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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 311

                                "THE CYBER HOUSE RULES"

                                           By

                                      Lewis Morton

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Please Rise For The Futurama Theme 
               Song.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV, Morbo and Linda present an 
               early morning breakfast programme called Good Morning Earth. 
               They are wearing pyjamas and sit in a cosy sitting room set.]
 
               
               
                                     MORBO
                         ...So I gave the cookies to Fawn and 
                         the kids and they couldn't believe it 
                         -- they were delicious. But, I digress. 
                          (shouting) Tremble, puny earthlings! 
                         One day my race will destroy you all!
 
                         
               
               [Leela, Fry and Bender eat while they watch. The doorbell rings.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Could one of you guys get that?

               
               [They both shake their heads she narrows her eye at them.]

               
               [Planet Express: Entrance Foyer. Leela opens the door and looks 
               around but there doesn't appear to be anyone there. She hears 
               a squealing noise, looks down and gasps.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's a doorbell baby!  Hello, little 
                         guy. You know, I was abandoned as a 
                         baby too, so --
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.
 
                         
               
               [He starts stamping on the basket.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, stop! It's a baby!

               
                                     BENDER
                          A baby what?  Ow!

               
               [Leela bends down and unwraps the blankets. There is no baby 
               inside. Instead, there is a green card with a sad looking kid 
               on it holding up an empty food dish. Written along the top of 
               the card is "Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium”.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, it's just a card -- from the orphanarium 
                         I grew up in.
 
               
               [The card speaks with a child's voice.]

               
                                     CARD
                         Leela, you're invited to reunion at 
                         Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. 
                          Please stand clear of self-destructing 
                         basket.
 
               
               [The basket explodes.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh? 
                         You gonna go?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No way, jose-bot. I never wanna see 
                         those other orphans again! Not after 
                         the way they used to pick on me.
 
               
               [Flashback: In the kids' playground at the orphanarium (where 
               everything is broken) the kids stand around young Leela, pointing 
               and chanting.]
 
               
                                     KIDS
                         (chanting) One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!
 
                         
               
                                     KIRK
                         Nice depth-perception, one-eye!

               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're 
                         blind!
 
               
                                     KIRK
                         My eyes may not work, but at least I 
                         got two of them!
 
               
               [He laughs again. Leela sighs.]

               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aww. That's terrible, Leela. But imagine 
                         the look on their faces when you show 
                         up with two friends who eat all the 
                         hors d'oeuvres.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success 
                         in a few choice faces.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Set a course for adventure!

               
               [Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Lobby. There a broken, 
               leaking pipes running across the ceiling, the windows are barred 
               up and owls scavenge around the floor. Leela is wearing a purple 
               suit.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Eww!

               
                                     BENDER
                         What a dump!

               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Just like old times. Gosh. The bars 
                         on the windows seemed so much thicker 
                         back then.  Mr. Vogel? Remember me?
 
                         
               
                                     VOGEL
                         Leela! You're worthless and no one will 
                         ever love you!
 
               
               [They both laugh.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You used to say that all the time!
 
                         
               
                                     VOGEL
                         Oh, those were happier days.

               
               [Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Gymnasium. A "Welcome, 
               Orphans" banner has been strung up across the ceiling and the 
               room has been decorated with balloons and streamers. There is 
               a sign that says "Please Abandon Coats In Lobby" next to the 
               buffet table where Fry and Bender stand.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Mmm! The gristle-in-a-blanket isn't 
                         half bad.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Mmm! And try one of these Popsicle sticks. 
                         They've absorbed quite a bit of flavour.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, look. It's our old group picture.
 
                         
               
               [They look at a black and white photo of the orphans and a younger 
               Vogel. Fry squints.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't see you anywhere.

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's me over in Cootietown.

               
               [She points at herself, standing apart from the group. Bender 
               points at someone in the back row.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa! Get a load of this average-looking 
                         guy!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have 
                         kind of a crush on him.
 
               
               [Flashback. The scene continues from earlier with the kids still 
               chanting.]
 
               
                                     KIDS
                         (chanting) One-eye! One-eye!

               
                                     FRENCH GUY
                         Stupid as a French guy!

               
                                     KIDS
                         (chanting) One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! 
                         One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! 
                         One-eye!
 
               
               [Adlai chants with the others and Leela looks at him with lovey 
               eyes and sighs.]
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, it's time to say hello to the 
                         old gang.
 
               
               [She gulps down her drink, then Bender's and then the water from 
               a vase of flowers. On the other side of the gym, the orphans 
               have turned into bums.]
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         So, watcha been up to since you left 
                         the orphanarium?
 
               
                                     MAN #2
                         Uh, living in a box, fighting the shakes. 
                         You?
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Selling kidneys, teeth; whatever falls 
                         out of me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         And what am I up to, you ask? Well I'm 
                         a very successful space captain.
 
               
                                     MAN #2
                         Oh.

               
                                     MAN #1
                         Wow.

               
                                     MAN #3
                         How nice for you, Leela.

               
                                     WOMAN
                         (patronising) That's so good for a person 
                         with one eye.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey! You can't feel sorry for me! I'm 
                         a space captain and you're all a bunch 
                         of losers.
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Uh, right, right. We're the losers!
 
                         
               
               [He coughs and a tooth falls out of his mouth. Kirk arrives.]
 
               
               
                                     KIRK
                         Well, if it isn't old one-eye!

               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane boy!
 
                         
               
                                     MAN #3
                         He can't hear you. He's deaf now.

               
                                     ADLAI
                         Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly 
                         normal life. She's not gussied up, duded 
                         out, getting down or where it's at. 
                         Now, run along.
 
               
               [The other five leave.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never really 
                         outgrow being an eyeball -- oddball!
 
                         
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Nonsense. You're a space captain. That's 
                         a fine, conventional profession.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, you know. It's just for a package 
                         delivery service.
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Ah-ah. A package is just a box until 
                         it's delivered.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Huh. I'd never thought of it that way. 
                         So what do you do these days?
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Oh, I'm a doctor.

               
                                     LEELA
                         A tall doctor, you say?

               
               [She brushes her fingers through her hair. At the bar, Bender 
               drinks down one glass while another is being refilled. Vogel 
               stands behind Fry with 12 kids.]
 
               
                                     VOGEL
                         Sir, you seem pretty stable. Have you 
                         thought about adopting one of our kids?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Sure haven't.

               
                                     VOGEL
                         Well keep adoption in mind. It's a great 
                         way to have kids without having sex.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (thoughtful) Really?

               
                                     VOGEL
                         Plus, the government will help out with 
                         a small stipend of $100 a week.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         $100 a week?

               
               [He spits out his drink, has it refilled, drinks it and spits 
               it out again. Aldai and Leela look at the group photos.]
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         I'm so sorry I teased you back then. 
                         Let me make it up to you. I can fix 
                         it so that no one ever makes fun of 
                         you again.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You mean by beating them up? Because 
                         I've broken that blind kid's nose like 
                         10 times and it doesn't make any difference.
 
                         
               
                                     ADLAI
                         No, I specialise in phaser eye surgery. 
                         I can build you a paraffin eye and graft 
                         it on with skin from your foot. It won't 
                         be able to see but you'll look like 
                         a perfectly normal two-eyed person.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Me? Perfectly normal?

               
               [She touches her eye and it squelches. Fry eats more of the hors 
               d'oeuvres and turns around when he hears laughing kids. Bender 
               is with the kids.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, why are those kids following you? 
                         Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         No. It's called parenting. Come on, 
                         dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends 
                         to collect.
 
               
                                     KIDS
                         (cheering) Yay!

               
                                     BOY
                         Our daddy's a giant toy!

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the conference 
               table.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea. 
                         I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping 
                         at her eye all the time.
 
               
               [He stares open-mouthed at her.]

               
                                     AMY
                         I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela. 
                         I used to be too cute, so I had cuteness-reduction 
                         surgery here......and here.
 
               
               [She points to her nose.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need 
                         surgery. You look great the way you 
                         are.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once 
                         in my life, I just wanna look normal.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But you're better than normal, you're 
                         abnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't 
                         care what other people think.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're right! I'll start by not caring 
                         what you think!  I'm getting the surgery.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Thatagirl!

               
                                     AMY
                         Right on!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Wonderful. And while you're under the 
                         knife, you could also get an ink pouch 
                         to help you escape your enemies.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's the stupidest idea I've ever 
                         heard you imbecile!
 
               
               [He raises a rolled-up newspaper at Zoidberg. Zoidberg sprays 
               ink at his face and runs off, whooping.]
 
               
               [Taco Bellevue Hospital. There is a sign outside that says "Normal, 
               Healthy Baby? Super-Size It For 49c!" Inside, the Planet Express 
               staff and Adlai stand around Leela's bed. The entire top half 
               of Leela head is covered with bandages.]
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Now we'll find out if the operation 
                         was a success. Hold on to your hats. 
                          Oh, I'm sorry, this is the wrong patient. 
                          Oops.
 
               
               [He scribbles on a new pupil with a marker pen.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Leela, those eyes look so great on you.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Bah! I think she looked fine before.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No.

               
                                     AMY
                         Uh-uh.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Wrong.

               
               [Leela looks at herself in a mirror.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, look at me. Although I don't have 
                         the hang of blinking yet.
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         You'll get it. Personally, I try not 
                         to blink too much because it seems flashy. 
                         But when I do, I enjoy it.
 
               
               [She tries again and succeeds this time. She gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I did it! I blunk!

               
                                     HERMES
                         And just in time to screw up this picture 
                         I took!
 
               
               [He shows her a photo of her blinking.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hooray!

               
               [Montage Scene. Leela gets accustomed to her new life to Roy 
               Orbison's Pretty Woman. She carries a box marked "Leela's Monocles" 
               through the front door of her apartment building at drops it 
               in the bin. Later, she comes out of the Eye Robot wearing two 
               pairs of sunglasses, a pair of binoculars and carrying a pair 
               of theatre specs. She walks past Mom's sons and winks at them. 
               They stop and bump into each other.]
 
               
                                     WALT
                         Ow!

               
                                     IGNER
                         Ow!

               
                                     LARRY
                         Ow!

               
               [Amy shows Leela how to apply eyeliner. She puts it across her 
               eyes first and watches Leela try. Leela smears it all the way 
               across her brow. Amy shakes her head, licks her finger, and rubs 
               it off in the middle. Leela smiles. On the street, Leela bumps 
               into Kirk. She takes his hand and feels her face with it. He 
               groans with disappointment.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy and Fry are sat 
               on the couch.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I've never felt so unremarkable! Today 
                         I actually blended in with a crowd!
 
                         
               
               [She laughs. Bender walks in with the kids.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with.
 
                         
               
                                     KIDS
                         (chanting) Hello, jerkbags!

               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, they're so cute! What are their 
                         names?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Kids have names?

               
                                     NINA
                         My name's Nina, and his name's Albert 
                         --
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And from now on, you're all named Bender 
                         Jr.!  Looky here! My first government 
                         stipend cheque! 12 baby humans, 1200 
                         wing-wangs!
 
               
               [Sally, a girl with an ear on her face, tugs Bender's arm.]
 
               
               
                                     SALLY
                         Daddy Bender, we're hungry.

               
                                     BENDER
                         What is it with you kids? Every other 
                         day, it's food, food, food!  Oh, fine. 
                         I'll get you some stupid food.
 
               
                                     ALBERT
                         Can we have Bender burgers again?

               
                                     BENDER
                         No. The cat shelter's on to me!

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Fry scrubs one of the landing feet and 
               Leela welds something along the ships side. Adlai comes in wearing 
               a grey Hawaiian shirt.]
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Hello, Leela. I was in a nearby tailor 
                         getting one of my Hawaiian shirts toned 
                         down, so I thought I'd drop in for your 
                         follow-up exam.
 
               
               [Leela giggles.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's so handsome of you.

               
                                     ADLAI
                         Just follow the light with your eyes. 
                          Perfect! You know, a guy could fall 
                         head-over-heels for a gal like you. 
                          As for me, I'm somewhat interested 
                         myself.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What are you saying?

               
                                     ADLAI
                         I've never been good with words, which 
                         is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. 
                         Will you go out with me this Sunday?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Sure!

               
               [Fry gasps.]

               
                                     ADLAI
                         I don't know what else to say, so I'll 
                         just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.
 
                         
               
               [He leaves.]

               
                                     FRY
                         This is so unfair! I liked you back 
                         when you were a cyclops! That guy's 
                         only interested now that you have two 
                         eyes.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're just jealous!

               
                                     FRY
                         No, I'm not! Oh, wait, I am. But my 
                         point remains valid!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal 
                         man, who if you go somewhere with him 
                         no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve 
                         that once in life.
 
               
               [Zoidberg holds her arm.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Be careful with Adlai, Leela, he's a 
                         doctor, they're very poor.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Actually, most doctors are rich.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What? When did this happen? You're joking, 
                         right?  That's not funny!
 
               
               [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender takes the kids in.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, they've got everything you need 
                         here: Booze, a couple of peanuts, they 
                         got a crapper in the back -- that's 
                         one of the things you kids do, right?
 
                         
               
                                     ALBERT
                         Yeah.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Then knock yourself out.  Hey! Hey! 
                         Only eat enough to barely keep yourselves 
                         alive! I'm trying to make a profit here.
 
                         
               
               [He sits on a stool and reads a newspaper.]

               
                                     NINA
                         Daddy! Bethany's hitting me!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Here.

               
               [He hands her a blernsball bat and she runs off with it, laughing. 
               A fembot sits next to Bender.]
 
               
                                     FEMBOT
                         These kids yours?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah.

               
                                     FEMBOT
                         Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's me, baby! Let me just ditch the 
                         kids in an alley and we can go have 
                         some fun.
 
               
               [A boy taps Bender.]

               
                                     BOY
                         Daddy Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Son, daddy's trying to score with a 
                         cheap floozy right now, so we need you 
                         to cram a Tinkertoy in it!
 
               
                                     BOY
                         I love you, Daddy Bender!

               
               [He hugs him. The other kids start hugging him too.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, what the hell are you doing? Quit 
                         hugging me!
 
               
                                     FEMBOT
                         I guess you're busy. I'll catch you 
                         later.
 
               
               [She leaves.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You morons! I don't know what you're 
                         trying to pull here but I got half a 
                         mind to hug each and every one of you 
                         and see how you like it!
 
               
                                     KIDS
                         (cheering) Yay!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (grumbling) Oh, come on!

               
               [Adlai's Car. He drives Leela away from the city.]

               
                                     ADLAI
                         I thought I'd take you someplace ordinary 
                         -- a place no one could object to.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That sounds wonderful.

               
               [Outside Municipal Arboretum. Adlai opens the gate and lets Leela 
               through. On the fence is a sign that reads "Yes, We Have Looking 
               At Trees".]
 
               
               [Municipal Arboretum. A couple stop by an Altairean Bouquet Tree.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN
                         I'd like and extra-beautiful bouquet 
                         for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.
 
                         
               
               [The tree hands the man some flowers and he hands them to the 
               woman. They walk away and Leela and Adlai arrive.]
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Average, please.

               
               [The tree hands him a bunch and he hands them to Leela. She smells 
               them.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time 
                         today. No one's stared at me or avoided 
                         staring at me or tried to burn me. You 
                         make me feel so not weird.
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Leela, you're 999,999 in a million!
 
                         
               
               [She smiles and they lean in to kiss. Adlai pecks her on the 
               lips and she freezes for a moment then smiles weakly.]
 
               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Adlai and the Planet Express staff sit 
               around a table, though Bender is not with them.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks for coming out to get to know 
                         my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (mesmerised) Totally.

               
               [He eats a cracker.]

               
                                     ADLAI
                         Uh, listen: I just want you all to know 
                         your Leela's one standard lady.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, Adlai, stop!

               
                                     FRY
                         What's so wonderful about Leela being 
                         normal? The rest of us aren't normal 
                         and that's what makes us great. Like 
                         Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who 
                         smells like he eats garbage and does.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Damn right!

               
                                     FRY
                         And the professor's a senile, amoral 
                         crackpot.  Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Tally me banana.

               
                                     FRY
                         Amy's a klutz from Mars.

               
               [Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Sploops!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna 
                         be like us? Or do you wanna be like 
                         Adlai with no severe mental or social 
                         problems whatsoever?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's the dumbest question I ever heard!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         She's right!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No doubt about it.

               
                                     AMY
                         Duh!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Daylight come!

               
               [Bender runs through the restaurant carrying a high chair.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Coming through, watch your heads!

               
               [He wangs Zoidberg on the head as he passes him.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Help! I'm under attack!

               
               [He sprays the others with ink. Bender is sat with the kids at 
               another table.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Remember your manners, kids. Forks go 
                         in the left pocket, spoons in the right.
 
                         
               
               [Elzar arrives with a plate of food.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Which one of you cutie muffins gets 
                         the children's spicy squab?
 
               
               [A little boy comes out of Bender's chest door.]

               
                                     LITTLE BOY
                         Me!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah-ah-ah! What do we say when someone 
                         gives you something?
 
               
               [The boy turns to Elzar.]

               
                                     LITTLE BOY
                         'Bout time!

               
                                     BENDER
                         That's my boy!

               
               [He closes the door on him.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         And here's your check. Bam!

               
               [Bender looks at it and gasps. Albert taps his arm.]

               
                                     ALBERT
                         I gotta go poopy!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well you should've gone poopy before 
                         it was time to run out on the check! 
                         C'mon! Go, go! Through the kitchen!
 
                         
               
               [They leg it.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         (shouting) You little crooks! If I catch 
                         you I'm going to make cutie-muffin gumbo!
 
                         
               
               [They run past the other table and Bender laughs as they run 
               through the door.]
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         You know, seeing that strange robot 
                         force 12 children to do his bidding 
                         makes me think about kids of our own.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Us? Me? You? Kids?

               
                                     ADLAI
                         That's correct. It's time to stop living 
                         this vida bachelor loca, settle down 
                         and have kids.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful 
                         moment of my life!
 
               
               [Zoidberg woops and sprays her with ink.]

               
               [Fry and Bender's Spare Room. The room has six bunk beds in it. 
               The kids run around screaming and laughing and bouncing on the 
               mattresses. Fry and Bender play poker. Albert jumps on Bender.]
 
               
               
                                     ALBERT
                         Daddy Bender, I want a piggy back ride.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Daddy's tired. Let's just have another 
                         dog pile on Fry.
 
               
               [The kids dive on Fry.]

               
                                     SALLY
                         Tell us a story, Daddy Bender.

               
                                     KIDS
                         (chanting) Story! Story! Story!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright, fine, gather round.

               
               [The kids cheer.]

               
                                     NINA
                         We wanna hear this one again!

               
               [She hands him something and he opens it and clears his throat.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (reading) "Bender's Arrest Record" by 
                         the police. On March 3rd at 2pm, Bender 
                         was caught shoplifting!
 
               
                                     ALBERT
                         Yeah, show us the picture!  There he 
                         is!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, kids. It's 9:00, you know what that 
                         means. Daddy's sick of looking at you 
                         so go to bed.  The grown-ups have to 
                         talk. Come on, Ma.
 
               
               [He and Fry leave.]

               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. On the door is a newspaper 
               clipping with a photo of Fry on it. The headline reads "Primitive 
               Human Found In Cryo-Tube". Bender slides the door shut.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now to figure out how much money I'm 
                         raking in off those twerps!  Oh, I need 
                         a calculator.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You are a calculator.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I mean a good calculator. Minus the 
                         food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper -- 
                          I'm getting 100 bucks a kid and they're 
                         costing 110!
 
               
               [Fry tuts.]

               
                                     FRY
                         There goes my new kitchen cabinets.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm not sitting through one more PTA 
                         meeting. The kids have got to go!
 
                         
               
               [The little boys opens Bender's door.]

               
                                     LITTLE BOY
                         Daddy, how do I flush you?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Just go to bed!

               
               [The boy climbs out and runs off. Bender pushes his antenna down 
               and flushes himself.]
 
               
               [Adlai's Lounge. He and Leela sit at a table doing a jigsaw.]
 
               
               
                                     ADLAI
                         You know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of 
                         a pacifier factory makes me want to 
                         have children with you all the more.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Adlai, I was thinking. Since we're both 
                         orphans, maybe we should adopt a child.
 
                         
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable. Heck, 
                         it's more than acceptable. It's adequately 
                         satisfactory!
 
               
               [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Adlai opens Fry and Bender's 
               door and he and Leela go in. There is a sign above the door that 
               says "Honest Bender's Stolen Car Parts Boutique" and scribbled 
               below it "And Orphanarium".]
 
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. The kids are up again and running 
               around. Bender is on the phone.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've 
                         got a herd of you-know-whats for sale...Let 
                         me check.  Oh, aren't you a cutie?  
                         About 35lbs.  What?!
 
               
               [Fry points and Bender panics and hangs up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child.
 
                         
               
               [Bender stands up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, you've come to the right place 
                         because Honest Bender's Orphanarium 
                         means discount orphans. Now, little 
                         lady. What do I have to do to send you 
                         home with 12 orphans today?
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Uh, I'm afraid we only want one.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you 
                         what I got in stock.
 
               
               [He walks into the kids' room.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I remember this from when we were kids: 
                         The warden would trot you out in front 
                         of prospective parents and they'd judge 
                         you like a piece of meat.
 
               
               [The kids are lined up. Albert steps forward.]

               
                                     ALBERT
                         I'm Albert.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Kind of fatty.

               
               [Bender pushes Nina forward.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Then how about this little number? Pure-bred 
                         human. No vampire in there.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, um.

               
                                     ADLAI
                         Hmm.

               
                                     BENDER
                         If you're strapped for cash, you might 
                         wanna consider this irregular unit. 
                          Cursed with a third ear but so full 
                         of that emotion that I understand is 
                         called "love".
 
               
                                     SALLY
                         One time, I did a hundred jump ropes.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, I can't decide. We're gonna have 
                         to think about it.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, kids, grown-ups gotta talk, time 
                         for bed.
 
               
                                     ALBERT
                         But it's 10 in the morning!

               
                                     BENDER
                         I said hit the hay!

               
               [The kids run.]

               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Spare Room. The kids get into bed and 
               Bender flicks the light off.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, they're all so adorable.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah. You know, it's times like this 
                         I can hardly bear to let them go. Goodnight, 
                         you princes of Maine, you kings of New 
                         New England.
 
               
               [Fry and Bender's Lounge. The police break down the door.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         You're under arrest for child cruelty, 
                         child endangerment, depriving children 
                         of food, selling children as food and 
                         misrepresenting the weight of livestock.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Smitty slaps the cuffs on Bender and the other police 
               lead Fry and the kids out.]
 
               
               [Prison Cells. Smitty locks Fry, Bender and the kids in a cell.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Officer, would it be alright if we adopted 
                         one of the kids?
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Might as well. They're just gonna rot 
                         in the evidence locker.
 
               
               [He and URL leave. The kids laugh and point at Sally.]

               
                                     KID #1
                         Nice ear!

               
                                     KID #2
                         Hey, freaky ears!

               
                                     KID #3
                         How's you ear?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her.
 
                         
               
               [She points at Sally.]

               
                                     ADLAI
                         Her? But there's plenty of normal ones.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on, Adlai. She could really use 
                         a mom and dad.
 
               
                                     KIDS
                         (chanting) Ear-face! Ear-face! Sally 
                         won the ugly race!
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         On the other hand, the children bring 
                         up a good point. She does have an ear 
                         on her face.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well? So what? She may be different 
                         but she still deserves a good home.
 
                         
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Oh, alright. If you really want that 
                         one, I can give her an operation to 
                         make her acceptable.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         She doesn't need an operation! She's 
                         fine the way she is!
 
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Oh, and I suppose you were fine the 
                         way you were?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Damn right I was!

               
                                     FRY
                         Yay!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud 
                         to be different. And I just wished I'd 
                         realised that when I was her age.
 
                         
               
                                     SALLY
                         I also have a tail!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Now take me to the hospital and put 
                         my eye back the way it was. Right now!
 
                         
               
                                     ADLAI
                         Why should I do that?

               
               [Leela slams him against the bars.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, 
                         one of us is going to have one eye.
 
                         
               
               [Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. People are 
               crowded around the front door as Vogel makes a speech.]
 
               
                                     VOGEL
                         In recognition of Bender's generous 
                         gift of 12 orphans and a government 
                         cheque for 1200 wing-wangs, I hereby 
                         rename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez 
                         Orphanarium!
 
               
               [The crowd cheers and Vogel shakes Bender's hand. Leela's eye 
               is back to how it was before.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's good to have the old weird-looking 
                         Leela back.
 
               
               [They hug.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww! You're a true friend, Fry. I guess 
                         there's nothing wrong with being a little 
                         weird.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
 
                         
               
               [The kids say goodbye to Bender.]

               
                                     ALBERT
                         We'll miss you, Daddy Bender.

               
                                     NINA
                         We know robots don't have emotions but 
                         we drawed you this picture!
 
               
               [She shows him a crude picture of him and the kids.]

               
                                     SALLY
                         So if you ever miss us, even just a 
                         teeny bit, you can look at it.
 
               
               [Bender takes the picture.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. 
                         Sheesh!  Hey, what the? Get away! Come 
                         on! I just got all the gum off of there! 
                         Hey! Hey! (shouting) I hate you! I hate 
                         you all!
 
               
               THE END

               
               

The Cyber House Rules



Writers :   Lewis Morton
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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