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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 216 

                                    "THE DEEP SOUTH"

                                           By

                                    J. Stewart Burns

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: A Stern Warning of Things to Come.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler sits on Leela's lap and she 
               picks tufts out of his fur. Bender does the same to Fry. Enter 
               Hermes.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Exciting news, people! The pet licence 
                         I requsitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know 
                         you cared about Nibbler.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the 
                         little bastard in a sack and toss the 
                         sack in a river and hurl the river into 
                         space. But I do like filling out requisitions 
                         and these were some doozies!  Great 
                         Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up. 
                         This isn't a pet licence, it's a fishing 
                         licence. And it's mandatory!
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship takes off and heads out to sea. It stops 
               a short while later and the cargo bay lift comes down with Bender, 
               Fry and Farnsworth standing on it.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ah! The exact centre of the Atlantic 
                         Ocean. This seems the logical place 
                         for fish to congregate.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So we're in international waters?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Indeed so.

               
               [Bender whips out a radio and talks into it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Falcon, this is Blue Raven, the goose 
                         has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested. 
                          Hey, guess what you're accessories 
                         to?
 
               
               [Time Lapse. On the roof of the ship, the crew pull out their 
               fishing equipment from the gun turret.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The sun, the sea air, good friends.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Leela's right, fishing blows. Whattya 
                         say we make it interesting?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Why not?

               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yeah, cool.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Everybody kick in five bucks.  There, 
                         wasn't that interesting?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender!

               
               [Fry chuckles.]

               
                                     FRY
                         This contest is as good as over. I once 
                         caught a fish this big.
 
               
               [He stretches out his arms.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah? I once caught a fish this 
                         big!
 
               
               [He extends his arms the length of the ship. Leela opens a case.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm afraid you're both out of your league, 
                         boys, 'cause you're looking at a woman 
                         who owns her own harpoon.
 
               
               [She twists the top of the harpoon onto the bottom.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Harpoon, my ass!

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK.

               
               [And she does. He screams in pain and jumps into the water. Hermes 
               looks at five buckets.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Let's see now, which bait to use?  Crickets? 
                         Squid? Chicken necks?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm 
                         willing to offer my services as a bait 
                         critic.  These sardines for example 
                         are bland and tasteless.  And these 
                         dry, stringy nightcrawlers, though juicy 
                         ...  ... very very juicy--
 
               
               [He sticks his head in the bucket and gobbles the bait.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         I don't believe this! It's eating my 
                         bait!  Beat it, you mooching crawdad!
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg runs away and woops. Bender presses a button on his 
               fishing rod.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, Fry, check out my laser-guided 
                         fishing rod.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Quiet, Bender, you're scaring 
                         away the fish.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fine. I'll head over to the other side. 
                          (shouting) Good luck fishing on this 
                         side!
 
               
               [He walks away and Fry casts his line and chuckles.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I can hit a fish between the eyes from 
                         20 yards!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah? I can hit a shrimp!

               
                                     FRY
                         A shrimp?  I find it a bit hard to believe 
                         that--
 
               
               [Bender's line hits Fry between the eyes and knocks him over. 
               Leela spins her harpoon around and sees something in the water.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aha!  Gather round, chumps! I got the 
                         winner!
 
               
               [An old boot comes out of the water on the end of the harpoon. 
               Leela sighs.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, so this is where you shop for your 
                         boots?
 
               
               [Fry reels in a little fish.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Couple more of those and you'll have 
                         yourself a fish stick!
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, a fish this fine belongs in a fish 
                         nugget-style chunklet. And anyway, it's 
                         bigger than anything you've caught. 
                          Ow! My small intestine!
 
               
               [Leela tries again with the harpoon.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times 
                         heavier than a boot.
 
               
               [She pulls out a crate marked "Boots 10 Pair" and sighs.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You'll never catch anything with that 
                         primitive technology. What you need 
                         is this fish pheromone.  The most potent 
                         aphrodisiac known to fishkind.  Uh-oh!
 
                         
               
               [Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them 
               off. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (sexfully) I'm so into you!

               
               [He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, my!

               
               [Fry reels in his line. There is big fish attached to it.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Hey, Bender, I just caught 
                         a fish this big!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Quit exaggerating, Fry. Ah, screw this! 
                          If I'm not gonna catch a fish, I might 
                         as well not catch a big fish.  There. 
                         Like most of life's problems this one 
                         can be solved with bending.
 
               
               [He ties the ships tether line to the hook.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Bender, be careful. That's the ships 
                         diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Then why do I have to be careful?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It belonged to my grandmother.

               
               [Bender takes some food from Hermes' hands, attaches it to his 
               hook and throws it into the sea.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         My manwich!

               
               [Time Lapse. Dusk approaches. Fry is asleep in a chair with his 
               rod next to him, Amy is asleep, Hermes is asleep with sign hanging 
               around him saying he will be awake at 7pm. Bender snoozes, his 
               door opening and closing. Leela casts her harpoon again.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wake up, everyone! I've got something. 
                         And this time it's alive!  Dr. Zoidberg, 
                         since when do you even wear boots?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I wasn't wearing it. (ashamed) I was 
                         eating it.
 
               
               [Leela sighs and lets go of the rope.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on, let's go home.

               
               [Amy wakes up and screams.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined! 
                         What happened to my parasol?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't know. It wasn't here when I 
                         took your umbrella.  What? I put sunblock 
                         on you.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Well it didn't work!

               
               [She turns around and stomps off. On her back Bender has spelled 
               out "Honk If Bender Is Great" in sunblock. He giggles.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on, Bender. Pull in your line and 
                         let's go.
 
               
               [Bender tries to pull in the line.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, I'm snagged.

               
               [The line starts to whirr away.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's not snagged, the mechano man has 
                         caught something!  Sweet Zombie Jesus! 
                         It's huge!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         It's coming up!

               
               [A huge fish leaps up from the water and over the top of the 
               ship. The staff gasp.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, that's big!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         A colossal-mouth bass!

               
               [The bass heads back under the water and the tether starts winding 
               away.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's diving!

               
               [The ship shakes and tilts forward.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's pulling us under! Everyone into 
                         the ship!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable 
                         diamond filament!  Well, at least I'll 
                         die with my friends. Hello?
 
               
               [The others shut the turret door behind them and the water line 
               creeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him. 
               The ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the 
               staff scream. Something floats to the surface.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (from ship) My Speedos!

               
               [Ships Cockpit. The room is glowing red and a klaxon beeps. Leela 
               watches the depth gauge.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Depth at 45 hundred feet, 48 hundred, 
                         50 hundred! 5000 feet!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres 
                         of pressure.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere 
                         between zero and one.
 
               
               [The ships hull creaks around them.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What's that? Is someone bending girders?
 
                         
               
               [More creaking. The depth gauge reaches 6000ft and breaks. Farnsworth's 
               glasses break and so do Bender's eyes. He screws some new ones 
               in.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We'll be crushed if we don't equalise 
                         the pressure.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         How do we do that?

               
               [Pipes burst around the room and the water floods in.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That should do it.

               
               [The water gets higher.]

               
                                     AMY
                         We're all gonna die!

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, I'll be back in a minute.

               
               [He takes off his jacket and swims under the water. A toilet 
               flushes and the water level drops. The staff cheer and Fry walks 
               back in, zipping up his shorts.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You did it, Fry!

               
                                     FRY
                         Did what?

               
               [The ship hits some rocks and everyone is thrown across the room, 
               screaming. The ship comes to a rest on the ocean floor. Bender 
               looks out the window.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         People, it's far far worse than we thought; 
                         My fish got away.
 
               
               [Ship Corridor. Bender fixes the electricity and the lights come 
               back on, Leela mops the floor and Fry tapes up a crack in the 
               hull.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There, good as new! Except we're three 
                         miles below the surface, we don't have 
                         any food and the ship won't work underwater.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (restrained) Tempers are wearing thin. 
                         Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill 
                         everybody.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         The important thing is that we don't 
                         panic. There are rules for situations 
                         like this.  Now, the first order of 
                         business is lunch. I suggest a nice 
                         lobster Zoidberg, I mean lobster Newburg, 
                         I mean Doctor Zoidberg.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, everyone, calm down. The Professor 
                         and I will get to work on the ship. 
                         Bender, Zoidberg, since you can survive 
                         underwater, you'll go out and look for 
                         food.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'd better go too. They don't know what 
                         I like.
 
               
               [He opens the airlock.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Fry, no! The pressure will crush you 
                         like a green snake under a sugarcane 
                         truck.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Not necessarily. This is chance for 
                         Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure 
                         pill.
 
               
               [He pulls out a huge black pill.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I can't swallow that.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well then good news! It's a suppository.
 
                         
               
               [Seabed. Fry, Bender and Zoidberg walks across the ocean floor. 
               Fry holds a bag of air. Zoidberg picks up a fish and puts it 
               Bender's chest cabinet.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         How are you doing there, Fry?  Glad 
                         to hear it.  Aha!
 
               
               [He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet. Bender sees an electric 
               eel and grabs it. It shocks him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw, yeah!

               
               [Zoidberg sees a little glowing thing.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yum, yum, yum!  Uh-oh!  Look at me, 
                         I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck. 
               Fry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Careful, Fry, I think that flag might 
                         be poisonous.
 
               
               [Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eyepatch 
               and carrying some bottles.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty 
                         grub.  Arr! The laws o' science be a 
                         harsh mistress!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help 
                         me move a couch?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.
 
                         
               
               [He climbs into the shell leaving Fry alone. Some seaweed parts, 
               revealing a mermaid. She laughs and swims away and Fry blubbers. 
               Zoidberg and Bender emerge from the shell.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What is it, Fry?

               
                                     FRY
                         (blubberling) Mermaid.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You want some lemonade? You saw a big 
                         parade?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Your student loans have been repaid? 
                         Then how 'bout lending your old pal 
                         Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr Millionaire!
 
                         
               
               [Ships Mess. The crew are eating. Fry is still blubberling.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, swallow your food. Then talk.
 
                         
               
               [Fry swallows.]

               
                                     FRY
                         A mermaid!

               
               [Amy laughs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         You think you saw a mermaid?

               
                                     FRY
                         No, I did see a mermaid! She was wearing 
                         a tube top and she had a beautiful scaley 
                         tail. And I think she had hair extensions.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, right!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sure she did.

               
                                     HERMES
                         OK, Fry!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You're simply hallucinating, you ... 
                         moron.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What's so far-fetched about mermaids? 
                         I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea 
                         creatures here in the future. Like Dr. 
                         Zoidberg.
 
               
               [He through the window at Zoidberg. He is wearing a sunhat and 
               has built a window box on his shell and is landscaping a garden. 
               He turns around and waves.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean 
                         madness.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Every time something good happens to 
                         me you say it's some kind of madness, 
                         or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy. 
                         Well I saw a real mermaid and I wish 
                         for once my friends would have decency 
                         and kindness to believe me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Ocean madness.

               
               [Fry storms out.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         He may have ocean madness but that's 
                         no excuse for ocean rudeness.
 
               
               [Fry's And Bender's Quarters. Fry lies awake while Bender snores.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         (muttering) Ocean madness, yeah right. 
                         It's always something, ain't it?  (talking) 
                         It's her! Bender, wake up! She's here! 
                         Wake up!  Oh! oxygen!
 
               
               [He picks up a suitcase.]

               
               [Cut to: Seabed. Fry steps outside the airlock and closes the 
               door behind him. His suitcase floats away and he screams. The 
               mermaid puts something in his mouth.]
 
               
                                     MERMAID
                         Here you go, darlin'.

               
               [Fry breathes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! I can breath and talk, just like 
                         a fish!
 
               
                                     MERMAID
                         Oh, you speak fish?

               
               [She says something in fish.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What?

               
                                     MERMAID
                         I'm sorry, my accent's atrocious. Hi, 
                         my name's Umbriel!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm Fry. So, uh, am I gonna drown?
 
                         
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Course not. Just stay calm and let the 
                         currents relax your every muscle.
 
                         
               
               [Fry relaxes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aw, yeah!

               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Did it just get warmer?

               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe you're really real. 
                         I like your tail.
 
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Oh, you're sweet. I like those wiggly 
                         doo-dads comin' outta your hips.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, Thanks. They're called pants.

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Umbriel sit next to a glowing vent.]

               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         This here's a volcanic vent. The water 
                         comes out at over 4000 degrees.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No kidding.

               
               [He relaxes.]

               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Did it just get colder?  Tell me more 
                         about that bizarre land-y world you 
                         come from. Is there water there too?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Sure, sometimes it falls from the sky.
 
                         
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Hm.

               
                                     FRY
                         And sometimes it doesn't.

               
               [She gasps.]

               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Oh, Mr. Fry! You do go on!

               
                                     FRY
                         You know what I like best about you, 
                         Umbriel? You find me fascinating even 
                         when I'm not claiming to be a jewel 
                         thief or a lion tamer.
 
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Lions? There are sealions on the land?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yup. We call them land-sealions ... 
                         I tame them!
 
               
               [Montage: Fry and Umbriel date to Donovan's Atlantis. They watch 
               a squid and whale fight, swim on the back of a flat fish and 
               Fry spells out words to Umbriel with glowing fish. They look 
               into each other's eyes and kiss.]
 
               
               [Ships Galley. Bender reads The Atlantic Monthly while Leela, 
               Amy and Hermes are gathered around something. Enter Farnsworth.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm almost finish reconfiguring the 
                         ships propulsion system. We can leave 
                         as soon as the paper-mâché is dry.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Where's Fry?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I didn't kill him. Professor?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No, I've been busy.

               
                                     HERMES
                         He must've gone out looking for that 
                         mermaid. The poor demented honky.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's ocean madness alright. Sailors 
                         call it aqua dementia, the deep down 
                         crazies, the wet willies, the screaming 
                         moist!
 
               
               [As she speaks the crew leave. Bender slams the door behind him.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ship Corridor. Leela joins the rest of them. Farnsworth 
               opens the door to the airlock.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We'll form a search party. Now, we'll 
                         need oxygen.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I got it covered.  In the event of an 
                         emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation 
                         device.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ooh, that reminds me: You've all taken 
                         your pressure pills, right?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yes! Stop asking!

               
               [Seabed. The crew stand outside the ship wearing their oxygen 
               masks. Zoidberg sniffs around like a dog.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I've got his scent! Over here where 
                         the water gets warmer. This way!
 
               
               [The staff follow him across the seabed. They peek over a mound 
               and gasp. Ahead of them is a city.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (awestruck) Bend me!

               
               [Amy says something in Chinese.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Dude! An ancient sunken city!

               
               [The crew look at a partly-obscured sign that reads "City Of 
               Atl".]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Could it possibly be? Are the old legends 
                         true?  It is! It's the fabled lost city 
                         of Atlanta!
 
               
                                     MERMAN
                         Howdy, y'all!

               
               [City Of Atlanta. The crew are greated by another merman.]

               
                                     COLONEL
                         Welcome to Atlanta. Folks round these 
                         parts call me the Colonel.  Here, have 
                         some breathers, courtesy of our Chamber 
                         of Commerce.
 
               
               [He hands them the same breathing gear Umbriel gave Fry earlier. 
               They put them in.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This is uncomfortable and humiliating. 
                         Now, if they could put it in the form 
                         of a suppository.
 
               
                                     COLONEL
                         Y'all enjoy your stay! Tourism's our 
                         main source of income round here so 
                         see the sights, spend some money. Please 
                         don't leave!
 
               
               [Fry and Umbriel come out of Krispy Kreme.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry! Oh, I just knew you were still 
                         alive! (whispering) I owe you 10 bucks, 
                         Hermes!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing 
                         happened. It's two-for-one Tuesday at 
                         Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids.
 
                         
               
                                     COLONEL
                         Nice out of town folks, I'd like you 
                         to meet my daughter, Umbriel. Umbriel, 
                         these are some Yankees.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The staff, Umbriel and the Colonel wander around 
               the city.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city 
                         in your time?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I think it was just an airport. They 
                         had a place where you could buy nuts.
 
                         
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just 
                         a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis, 
                         the equal of Paris or New York.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's right, honey! Whatever you say.
 
                         
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner 
                         Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant, 
                         the, uh, the airport.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But tell us: How could a city with such 
                         a ... fabulous airport, end up underwater?
 
                         
               
                                     COLONEL
                         Ah, now that's a story that can only 
                         rightly be told in a Chamber of Commerce 
                         video narrated by folk-rock trubadour 
                         Donovan.
 
               
               [He presses a button and Donovan appears on the screen and strums 
               the tune to Atlantis with slightly different lyrics.]
 
               
                                     DONOVAN
                          Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds 
                         of miles from the area we now call the 
                         Atlantic Ocean,
 
               Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism that they moved 
               offshore, becoming an island and an even bigger Delta hub,
 
               
               
               [On the screen, helicopters lift the city and land it in the 
               ocean. The scene changes to years later. The island is packed 
               with buildings.]
 
               Until the city over-developed and it started to sink,

               Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away,

               Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the guy who invented 
               Coca-Cola, the magician and the other so-called gods of our legends,
 
               
               Though gods they were -- and also Jane Fonda was there.

               
               [A boat with the people on pulls away and the city sinks.]

               The others chose to remain behind on their porches with their 
               rifles, and one day evolve into mermaids, and sing and dance 
               and ring in the new.
 
               
                                     MERMAIDS
                          Hail Atlanta!

               
               [The video ends.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         The magician?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't it take millions 
                         of years to evolve into mermaids?
 
                         
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Normally, yes, but the caffine really 
                         sped things up.  That stuff's wonderful.
 
                         
               
               [Colonel's House. The staff are seated around a dining table 
               with the Colonel and Umbriel.]
 
               
                                     COLONEL
                         So when Umbriel first brought home this 
                         carpet bagger, I was again' it. But, 
                         damnit, if old legs here ain't grown 
                         on me!
 
               
               [He pats Fry on the back.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aw, shucks, Colonel.

               
               [He spits tobacco and the spitoon dings.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Well, it's all very nice here but we 
                         should be going. I miss me wife and 
                         me oxygen.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, we all miss our loved ones and 
                         gases. Come on, Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait. I'm not going with you.

               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         But, Fry, what about us? What about 
                         your life on the surface? You don't 
                         belong down here.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         She's right, I mean sure they got the 
                         Braves but it's a third-rate symphony.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Fry, you half-mad, half-insane maniac, 
                         be reasonable. Don't you realise that 
                         if you stay at this depth your body 
                         will permanently adapt to the pressure?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Realise it? I don't even understand 
                         it!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It means you'll never be able to return 
                         to the surface.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't care. I'm staying. I've got 
                         everything I want right here.
 
               
               [He hugs Umbriel.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) I'm bored! Let's go!

               
               [Outside Colonel's House. On the porch Fry shakes hands with 
               his old friends as they leave.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You know, Fry, I've got a little place 
                         just outside town. You could come visit, 
                         maybe?
 
               
               [Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join 
                         the country club.
 
               
               [Bender hugs Fry.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) Oh, Fry!  I'll miss you!

               
               [He leaves and the Colonel waves.]

               
                                     COLONEL
                         Y'all come back now, y'hear?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Let's go, damnit! Let's go!
 
                         
               
               [Ships Airlock. Farnsworth opens the door and the crew walk in. 
               Zoidberg stops outside.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Well, I guess this is goodbye for me 
                         as well.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Whatever.

               
                                     AMY
                         Later.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Bye.

               
               [Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes 
               behind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No! My home! It burned down!  (crying) 
                         How did this happen?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         That's a very good question.

               
               [Bender picks something up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         So that's where I left my cigar.

               
               [He smokes it.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         That just raises further questions!
 
                         
               
               [Umbriel's Bedroom. Fry and Umbriel sit on her bed.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You know, Umbriel, these last 24 hours 
                         have been the happiest days of my life.
 
                         
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Oh, Fry! I want you to make a mer-woman 
                         outta mer-me.
 
               
               [She gets under the sheet and her top floats away.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Mercy! I do believe I'm gettin' the 
                         vapours!
 
               
               [He tears his clothes off and dives under the sheets. He and 
               Umbriel kiss and her tail flaps around.]
 
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         What the hell is that?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah I'm a little confused too. How 
                         do I ... y'know ... with the tail and 
                         all?
 
               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         I'm not your first am I? I mean, I-I 
                         lay my eggs and leave and you release 
                         your fertiliser.
 
               
               [Outside Colonel's House. Fry runs away from the house.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (gasping) Why couldn't she be the other 
                         type of mermaid, with the fish part 
                         on top and the lady part on the bottom?
 
                         
               
               [The Colonel and Umbriel open the door.]

               
                                     UMBRIEL
                         Now who's gonna escort me to the Debutante 
                         Ball?
 
               
                                     COLONEL
                         Well what about that rich young dugong 
                         from Macon?
 
               
               [Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There! The engine modifications are 
                         complete.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Prepare for launch.

               
               [Cut to: Seabed. The ship takes off from the rocky bed. The engine 
               has been modified to flap around like a fish tail. Fry misses 
               the ship.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait! Wait for me! Don't leave me here!
 
                         
               
               [He sees Bender's fish hook and chases it. He leaps up and grabs 
               it and it pulls him upwards. The giant bass swims up behind him, 
               he screams and the bass eats him.]
 
               
               [Port. The bass is hanging from a giant set of scales. Mayor 
               Poopenmeyer, photographers and other people are crowded around 
               Bender.]
 
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         And so, in honour of his record-breaking 
                         catch, I'm proud to award Bender this 
                         cheque for $1000.
 
               
               [He shakes Bender's hand and photographers take photos. The crowd 
               cheers. The bass spits out Fry followed by Hermes' manwich.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's you!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, buddy!

               
                                     HERMES
                         My manwich!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, are you alright? What happened?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         What about Umbriel?

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, it turns out I loved her, but 
                         I wasn't in love with her.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         (whispering) Trouble in bed.

               
               [Leela nods.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy.
 
                         
               
               [He puts his arms around Fry. Poopenmeyer looks at the scales.]
 
               
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         Wait a-- This is no record! Gimmie back 
                         that cheque! I'm giving it to some giant 
                         orphans.
 
               
               [He snatches the cheque from Bender. Fry starts struggling.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! Bender, you're hurting me. Ow!
 
                         
               
               [He chokes. The bass' gills open. Zoidberg is inside.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here!

               
               THE END

               
                                     DONOVAN
                         (over credits) Hail Atlanta!

               
               

The Deep South



Writers :   J. Stewart Burns
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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