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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 516

                        "THE DEVIL'S HANDS ARE IDLE PLAYTHINGS"

                                           By

                                       Ken Keeler

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: See You On Some Other Channel. Above 
               the caption Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]
 
               
               [Fry and Bender's Lounge. It's the middle of the night. A bad 
               rendition of The Grumpy Snail comes from Fry's room. Bender, 
               wearing pyjama trousers, pokes his head around the corner from 
               his room.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Huh?  I choose to not understand these 
                         signs.
 
               
               [He puts his hand on the doorknob and turns it.]

               
               [Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The door opens and Bender sees Fry sat 
               on his bed playing the holophonor. The green holographic smoke 
               snakes upwards from it but he can't form a picture.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aha!

               
               [Fry quickly hides the holophonor behind him.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Bender?? I was just not playing the 
                         holophonor.
 
               
               [He wafts the smoke away with his hand.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah well you should try not stinking 
                         at it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I am trying. (ashamed) I've been taking 
                         lessons.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Lessons? Oh that's rich! Isn't it time 
                         you gave up all hope of ever improving 
                         yourself in any way?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I know I should but I just can't. Remember 
                         when I had those stomach worms that 
                         made me smart? I could play the holophonor 
                         and it made Leela like me.  Hey Bender, 
                         as long as you know, I have a holophonor 
                         recital Tuesday and I'd really like 
                         to have somebody there. Please?
 
               
               [Bender sighs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fine I'll go already. Y'know sometimes 
                         I wish your real parents were still 
                         alive...not often.
 
               
               [He and Fry hug.]

               
               [Outside Holophonor School. The sign reads "Holophonor Teacher. 
               Taking The Joy Out Of Music For 20 Years." Fry and Bender ride 
               some Segways on the pavement and Fry crashes his into Bender's.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa...hey!

               
               [Holophonor School. The room is decorated like an old woman's 
               home, being as the teacher herself is an old woman. A mother 
               straightens her son's hair and the teacher approaches Fry and 
               Bender with a tray.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh...hello Mrs Mellenger.

               
                                     MRS MELLENGER
                         Hello Philip.  And you must be Mr Bender. 
                         Philip's told me so much about you. 
                         Is it true that you're a robot?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I prefer the term "love machine."

               
               [He growls sexfully.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Everyone sits down and watches the kid with the 
               untidy hair play Beethoven's Für Elise on his holophonor. The 
               holographic smoke whirls around and forms a picture of an elegantly 
               dressed man and woman. The man plays an open grand piano and 
               the woman sits on it. Some steps fly around the back of the man 
               and the woman gets up and walks up them. The man follows her 
               as they climb into the clouds. A barrel rolls under them and 
               scores 100 points for each like in the Donkey Kong game. The 
               audience applauds. Bender leans over to the kid's mother.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow, your kid is great. How hard did 
                         you say you had to hit him?
 
               
                                     MOTHER
                         Fairly hard.

               
               [Fry puts My First Holophonor on the music stand. He flips through 
               it, sits down and clears his throat.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         The...Grumpy Snail.  Sorry.

               
               [He carries on playing then starts playing badly. The snail turns 
               into a slimy, salivating beast and starts growling at the audience. 
               They scream.]
 
               
                                     KID
                         (crying) It's too grumpy!

               
               [A man screws up a piece of paper and throws it at Fry. More 
               people throw paper at Fry and the snail disappears.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! No! Quit it! Stop it!

               
               [Bender stands up, applauds and cheers. The audience stares at 
               him.]
 
               
                                     MRS MELLENGER
                         Mr Bender, I simply can not teach your 
                         child.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Then good day madam!  We hope to see 
                         you soon for tea.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender and Fry sit at the table with 
               the holophonor.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's hopeless. I can hear all this great 
                         music in my head but my stupid hands 
                         can't keep up.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aww, you know what always cheers me 
                         up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes.
 
                         
               
               [He laughs at Fry's misfortune. Enter Leela with a clipboard.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey guys, you missed a great delivery 
                         to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh...a concert.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Ooo was it jazz-noodling? My ex-boyfriend 
                         Sean played the sax. I used to listen 
                         for hours while he sat naked on my couch 
                         and improvised.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein 
                         huh?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah, it's weird. Sean was uneducated, 
                         unambitious. He was pastey and hunched...
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (quietly) Pretty boy.

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...But when he played I could sense 
                         this incredible, beautiful creative 
                         soul. Then one day I found someone else's 
                         couch fibres on his butt.
 
               
               [She walks out into the meeting room, muttering to herself. The 
               door closes behind her and Fry stands up from the table.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It could be my beautiful soul sitting 
                         naked on her couch if I could just learn 
                         to play this stupid thing.
 
               
               [Bender stands up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh but you can. Although you may have 
                         to metaphorically make a "deal with 
                         the devil." And by "devil" I mean "Robot 
                         Devil." And by "metaphorically" I mean 
                         "get your coat."
 
               
               [Robot Hell. Hellbots torture damned robots in the burning cave 
               underneath The Inferno and they scream in pain. Beelzebot and 
               his band of Hellbots practice the Robot Hell song. He plays his 
               golden fiddle and then suddenly stops.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         God, you hit a sour note about 200 years 
                         back Doug!  Let's take it from the top. 
                          Ah Bender, Fry. You've come back for 
                         more eternal damnation.
 
               
               [Bender stands up and dust himself off.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry 
                         just wants holophonor lessons.
 
               
               [Fry stands up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yep. I need to get really good without 
                         practicing.
 
               
               [The Robot Devil cackles evilly.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Hell is full of ten year olds who wanted 
                         exactly the same thing. Trouble is, 
                         you have what my old music teacher Mrs 
                         Mellenger called "stupid fingers."  
                         With hands like that you'll be lucky 
                         to master a belt buckle.  Now wouldn't 
                         it be nice if you had a pair of robot 
                         hands to replace them?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Sure it would.  Oh well. Goodbye.

               
               [He turns around and Bender stops him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry you smelly idiot, I think he's willing 
                         to make some kind of deal with the devil 
                         with you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         He is?  Great! Wait, what's the catch?
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         No catch. I'll merely pick a robot at 
                         random from somewhere in the universe 
                         - probably one you've never even met 
                         - and then I'll remove his hands and 
                         switch them for yours.  It's just the 
                         sort of guy I am, what do you say?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't know. It doesn't seem entirely 
                         moral to -
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry if you don't take this offer right 
                         now I will lose all respect for you 
                         and punch you.
 
               
               [The Robot Devil giggles and drums his fingers on the huge Wheel 
               Of Robots in anticipation of Fry's decision.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well...alright. You sure I probably 
                         won't know him?
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Definitely probably not.  Just sign 
                         this contract.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow.

               
               [Fry signs the contract and the Robot Devil pulls it away from 
               him.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         And here we go!

               
               [He spins the huge wheel and cackles insanely.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exambot!
 
                         
               
               [They watch as the wheels cycles through hundreds of robots. 
               It begins to slow down. The arrow passes Emotitron Jr from Bender 
               Should Not Be Allowed On TV, Ceiling Fan from Mother's Day and 
               Hookerbot from Hell Is Other Robots. It reaches "Bender" and 
               slows down even more and just manages to pass it, finally coming 
               to rest on "Robot Devil." The Robot Devil screams.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam!
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Oh what an appallingly ironic outcome.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's not ironic it's just coincidental. 
                         Now fork over those lady-fingers cookie!
 
                         
               
               [Fry holds out his hands and the Robot Devil sighs. He takes 
               a meat cleaver out of his chest cabinet.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Y'know I only put my name on there as 
                         a show of good faith for the other robots.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Stop being such a baby and chop my hands 
                         off.
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Oh very well.

               
               [He very quickly chops and swaps Fry's and his hands. Fry looks 
               at his new hands.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (impressed) How'd you do that?

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         They're very good hands.

               
               [Fry flexes his new fingers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         At last! At last I have the power to 
                         make Leela love me.
 
               
               [The hands grab his around the throat and start to choke him.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Oh sorry, that'll wear off in a couple 
                         of days.
 
               
               [He looks at his new hands and Fry falls to the floor, still 
               choking.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Next morning Farnsworth, Hermes, 
               Leela, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender are sat around the table. Enter 
               Fry.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Check it out everyone. I'm back from 
                         hell and I've got the Robot Devil's 
                         hands!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Neat! Let's see a trick.

               
                                     FRY
                         Alrighty!

               
               [He spins off Bender's head and starts to completely dismantle 
               him. Then he starts juggling the pieces. Bender panics as he 
               juggles. Enter Scruffy.]
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Somebody called the Robot Devil's here 
                         to see somebody called Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh-oh.

               
               [He quickly puts Bender back together and runs out.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Where'd I go just now?

               
               [Planet Express: Entrance. Fry walks into the foyer where the 
               Robot Devil is already standing.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Hello Fry.  Just dropped by to make 
                         sure you're as happy with our little 
                         deal as I am.  Give me back my hands! 
                         These things are always touching me 
                         in places.
 
               
               [Fry chuckles.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, they get around! But I'm afraid 
                         we had a deal.
 
               
               [The Robot Devil groans.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         It looks like I wasted a bus trip.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yes you did.

               
               [Montage Later that night Fry sits in his bedroom playing The 
               Grumpy Snail much better than before. The next day he plays Beethoven's 
               Für Elise to Mrs Mellenger. Like the kid who played it before, 
               the formally dressed man and woman dance. A formally dressed 
               grumpy snail slides between them and the man dances with him 
               instead. A barrel rolls down the steps and knocks the woman over. 
               At Hovercar-Negie Hall Fry plays with a full orchestra to a captivated 
               audience. His holo-dancers dance to the music and twist around 
               the grumpy snail's eyestalks. The audience goes wild. From a 
               balcony Leela watches with tears in her eyes. She applauds.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. There is an advertisement on TV presented 
               by the grumpy snail. At the side of the screen is a picture of 
               Fry in an oval holding his holophonor underneath "Fry's Greatest 
               Holophonor Hits."]
 
               
                                     GRUMPY SNAIL [ON TV]
                         Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso 
                         Philip Fry play 900 of his classic themes 
                         in your own home on this two-record 
                         set.  That's over 30 minutes of music 
                         for only $14.99.
 
               
               [Fry sits on the couch bored. Zoidberg picks up the phone and 
               starts dialling.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two 
                         records! Oh Zoidberg, at last you're 
                         becoming a crafty consumer!  Hello? 
                         I'll take eight!
 
               
               [The doorbell rings. Scruffy walks in from the meeting room and 
               points back the way he came.]
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Mr Hedonismbot to see you.

               
                                     FRY
                         Show him in.

               
                                     SCRUFFY
                          Very good sir.

               
               [He leaves. Enter Hedonismbot.]

               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         Ah Fry, congratulations. Your latest 
                         performance was as delectable as dipping 
                         my bottom over and over into a bath 
                         of the silkiest oils and creams!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Thank you sir, that's exactly what I 
                         was going for.
 
               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         You were the sole diversion in what 
                         has been a pale and unamusing season. 
                         And so I would feign commission you 
                         write an opera.
 
               
               [He drops a bunch of grapes into his mouth.]

               
                                     FRY
                         But, I've never written an opera.

               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         And I've never heard one. Still, if 
                         you can keep me amused through the overture 
                         I shall consider it a smashing success.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But I wouldn't even know what to write 
                         about. Unless...  OK I'll do it. If 
                         I can make it about Leela.
 
               
               [Leela stops eating and turns around.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Me? Really?

               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         A man writing an opera about a woman? 
                          Oh sera, how deliciously absurd!  I 
                         shall see you at the premiere.
 
               
               [He walks out the door, laughing.]

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Late at night Leela hammers something 
               inside the ship's port wing when she hears some music. She stops 
               hammering and looks around.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Leela walks in trying to trace 
               the sound. She sees holographic silhouettes coming from underneath 
               a door like Bender did in the apartment.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Leela opens the door 
               and sees Fry sat on the balcony playing the holophonor. In his 
               image two stick figures dance. He stops playing and writes some 
               notes on a music sheet.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Is it part of the opera?

               
               [Fry turns around and quickly puts the holophoner down.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela!  You shouldn't be listening. 
                         I-I don't want you to hear it 'til it's 
                         done.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But it's so beautiful.

               
                                     FRY
                         So's a peacock but you don't eat it 
                         'til it's cooked. This has to be perfect. 
                         I want you to hear exactly what I hear 
                         when I think about you.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh Fry. All this time you've had this 
                         incredible gift and I never knew. I've 
                         been a fool. A fully justified prudent 
                         fool.  They're so cold.
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) No!

               
               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. The next morning Bender wanders into 
               the kitchen humming with a towel wrapped around his waist. He 
               opens the fridge and screams. The Robot Devil leaps out of it.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Ah Bender, this is a surprise! For you. 
                         Finding me in the refrigerator.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         True but at least I don't have the hiccups 
                         anymore. What up?
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Oh well it so happens I'm in the mood 
                         to make a deal with you.
 
               
               [He puts his arms on Bender's shoulders but Bender pushes him 
               away.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Forget it, you can't tempt me.

               
               [He walks over and opens a cupboard.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (tempting) Really? There's nothing you 
                         want?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hm. I forgot you could tempt me with 
                         things I want.  Well, I suppose I've 
                         always wondered what it would be like 
                         to be more annoying.
 
               
               [The Robot Devil chuckles.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Nothing simpler! And all I ask in return 
                         is you hands.  To replace these bony 
                         hotdogs!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Grabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these 
                         guys!
 
               
               [The Robot Devil groans.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Is there anything else you would part 
                         with?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, nothing ain't gonna happen.

               
               [Time Lapse. The Robot Devil screws a huge white airhorn into 
               Bender's nose slot.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! With this built-in stadium airhorn 
                         I can really annoy people. And all it 
                         cost me was my crotchplate.
 
               
               [He bends over, puts his hand in his chest cabinet and wiggles 
               his hand between his legs.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         You certainly are a shrewd businessman 
                         Bender.  Now find someone and give 'em 
                         a good blast!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, that'll teach the first person 
                         I see a lesson!
 
               
               [He walks off.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan 
                         is one-quarter complete!
 
               
               [He cackles evily...again.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy is sat on the couch eating 
               a buggalo leg. Leela puts her handbag on her shoulder.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, Fry's opera premiere's tomorrow 
                         night. I'm off to find a pair of formal 
                         gloves that'll fit over my enormous 
                         forearms.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Leela walks through the door 
               into the corridor between the lounge and meeting room and walks 
               straight into Bender who blasts her with a blast from his airhorn. 
               She holds her ears to block out the tremendous noise. Bender 
               stops and laughs. The Robot Devil peeks around the corner from 
               the meeting room.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Pretty annoying, huh Leela?

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) What? Are you talking? Oh 
                         God I'm deaf!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oops. I'm so so sorry Leela. I just 
                         wanted to annoy you.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) What? Oh this is horrible. 
                         I won't be able to hear Fry's opera.
 
                         
               
               [She starts to cry. The Robot Devil stands at the end of the 
               corridor watching them.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Ah how delightfully ironic.

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's not ironic, it's just mean. Take 
                         this!
 
               
               [He blows the airhorn weakly.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Ooh! Out of aerosol? Also ironic!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh yeah? Well bite my shiny metal - 
                          (shouting) Oh nooo!
 
               
               [Outside Metropolitan House Of Opera. It's premiere night. Fry 
               has entitled his opera "Leela: Orphan Of The Stars."]
 
               
               [Cut to: Metropolitan House Of Opera Auditorium. People stand 
               on an upper level and wait for flying booths to carry them off 
               to the upper gallery. The entire Planet Express crew except Fry 
               sit a few rows back from the front wearing formal clothes.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf. If he found 
                         out I couldn't hear his opera, it'd 
                         break his heart.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK deafo.

               
               [A booth carrying Hedonismbot and his servants flies over the 
               stage.]
 
               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         Courtesans and gentle fops. I bid you 
                         welcome to my opera.  Let us cavort 
                         like the Greeks of old. (sexfully) You 
                         know the ones I mean.
 
               
               [The booth flies away and an orchestra plays. The lights dim, 
               the orchestra stops and a spotlight follows Fry as he walks across 
               the stage with his holophonor. The audience applauds and cheers.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yay Fry!

               
               [Zoidberg leans forward to some people in front.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I watch TV with that guy!

               
               [Fry bows and sits down. He starts to play. The smoke forms an 
               image of a sign. "Scene 1. Wherein Leela Is Found At The Orphanarium." 
               The holo-scene changes to the steps of Cookieville Minimum Security 
               Orphanarium. The people are real actors with holographic costumes. 
               A group of Holo-orphans watch as a Holo-Vogel steps out of the 
               building and sees holo-Leela in a basket.]
 
               
                                     HOLO-VOGEL
                         (singing) Who is this one-eyed female 
                         baby Moses?
 
               With courage in her female baby smile.

               
                                     HOLO-ORPHANS
                         (singing) A saviour from the stars,
 
                         
               Or something stranger still.

               
                                     HOLO-LEELA
                         (singing) Or just some lonely filthy 
                         starving child.
 
               
               [In the audience Leela leans to Amy.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Amy, Fry's looking at me. What am s'posed 
                         to be feeling?  Ah!
 
               
               [She turns back to the stage with her face screwed up in sadness. 
               Fry smiles and carries on playing.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. On the stage a big green Holo-Godzilla holds Holo-Fry 
               in it's hands. Holo-Bender watches as Holo-Leela points a laser 
               at it.]
 
               
                                     HOLO-BENDER
                         (singing) Leela! Leela Leela save him!
 
                         
               Save Fry, save Fry,

               Godzilla will devour him,

               As for me,

               I must be off,

               To have my doctor check this cough!

               
               [He coughs.]

               
               Goodbye!

               
               [He turns away but Godzilla slams his foot down and blocks his 
               path. In the audience Bender watches with great interest.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla 
                         but that is so what I would have done.
 
                         
               
               [Metropolitan House Of Opera Bar. It's the intermission and the 
               patrons are gathered outside the auditorium. Calculon and Preacherbot 
               talk while Florp laughs at one of Humorbot 5.0's jokes. Amy and 
               Hermes are at the bar.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         One diet double Martini please.

               
                                     BARTENDER
                         And for you sir?

               
                                     HERMES
                         I'll just have a Shirley Hemple.

               
               [Tinny Tim wanders in with a newspaper, passing Leela who is 
               standing by the coat room door.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Extra! Extra! World's greatest opera 
                         only half over!
 
               
               [Leela reads the headline.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Half over? Oh, I'd give anything to 
                         hear the rest.
 
               
               [The coat door opens and Beelzebot is inside.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Anything?  Thank you sir.  Now, as I 
                         was saying, anything? Because I can 
                         give you new robotic ears!
 
               
               [He points at his ears.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What? You can give me new ears? Wait, 
                         what seemingly reasonable thing do you 
                         want in return?
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Just your hands my dear.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Whatever you said, forget it!

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Alright, just one hand.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Just...my left hand? Um...uh...

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Please take your seats for act two.
 
                         
               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         But I'm not done vomiting.

               
               [He laughs. Leela looks at the people behind her.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I can't stand it!  OK. You can have 
                         my hand.
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Wonderful!  Just sign here.  Calculon 
                         old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Well I do owe you for giving me this 
                         unholy (dramatically) acting talent!
 
                         
               
               [The Robot Devil takes Calculon's ears off his head and puts 
               them into Leela's ears. She looks around and smiles.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker! 
                         Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         In good time, you go enjoy the opera.
 
                         
               
               [Leela gives him a shifty look but runs back into the auditorium 
               anyway.]
 
               
               [Metropolitan House Of Opera Auditorium. Leela shuffles past 
               the rest of the crew and sits back in her seat. Fry plays the 
               scene in Robot Hell where the Robot Devil decided who's hands 
               to give him. Holo-Fry sees Leela as a winged angel.]
 
               
                                     HOLO-FRY
                         (singing) To win Leela's heart with 
                         the holophonor's art,
 
               I need hands of transcendental quickness.

               
                                     HOLO-ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) Well I don't see any danger,
 
                         
               In gambling with a stranger,

               For my head is of a most amazing thickness.

               
               [He spins the Wheel Of Robots and falls over. The audience laughs. 
               At the back of the room the Robot Devil sees and growls. He stands 
               up.]
 
               
               I'm stupid, I'm stupid,

               I'm stupider than you,

               I'm stupider than you in every way!

               
               [The real Robot Devil jumps onto the stage.]

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         Stupider? Pah! This opera's as lousy 
                         as it is brilliant!  Your lyrics lack 
                         subtlety. You can't just have your characters 
                         announce how they feel. That makes me 
                         feel angry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Look, what do you want?

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) I want my hands back.

               
               [He laughs menacingly and columns of flame explode behind him. 
               Fry stands up.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Never!

               (singing)A deal's a deal,

               Even with a dirty dealer.

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) Very well,

               Then I'll take what I want from Leela.

               
               [The spotlight moves from the stage to Leela. Beelzebot extends 
               his arms and pulls her from her seat onto the stage.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Whoa!

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) Leela has promised me her 
                         hand.
 
               
               [The audience gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) Fry, you do not understand.
 
                         
               
               [The music slows down and the spotlight narrows as Leela walks 
               across the stage.]
 
               
               I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender,

               The shame,

               The shaaame,

               But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendour,

               Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender,

               He gave me mechanical ears,

               Effective though just a bit garish,

               In return without shedding a tear I agreed that I'd give him 
               my hand...
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) ...In marriage!

               
               [Fry gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What?

               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) You'd give me your hand in 
                         marriage.
 
               
               [He gets down on one knee. The audience watches. Farnsworth watches 
               through some opera glasses, though are just as thick as his normal 
               ones.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (singing) Is this really happening or 
                         just being staged?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (singing) It can't be real -

               
                                     AMY
                         (singing) Not if Leela is engaged!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) That isn't what I meant,
 
                         
               That isn't what I signed.

               
               [The Robot Devil takes the contract out of his chest cabinet.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) You should have checked the 
                         wording in the fine...  Print!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (reading) I'll give you my hand...
 
                         
               
               
               [In the audience Bender reads from a dictionary.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) The use of words expressing 
                         something other than their literal intention,
 
                         
               Now that is "irony!"

               
               [The Robot Devil pulls Preacherbot out of his seat and onto the 
               stage.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         (singing) I will marry her now and confine 
                         her to hell,
 
               How droll,

               How droll!

               Where Styx is a river,

               And not just a band,

               Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned,

               Unless Fry you surrender my hands!

               
               [Fry looks at the hands on his wrists. The spotlight narrows 
               over him.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) Destiny has cheated me by 
                         forcing me to decide upon,
 
               The woman that I idolise,

               Or the hands of an automaton,

               Without these hands I can't complete the opera that was captivating 
               her,
 
               But if I keep them,

               And she marries him,

               Then he probably won't want me dating her.

               
               [The audience applauds and cheers. Nixon sits next to Morbo and 
               wife.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Arooo!

               
               [Zapp the linguist sits on a balcony with a date.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Bray-vo! Enn-core!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (singing) I can't believe the devil 
                         is so unforgiving.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (singing) I can't believe everyone is 
                         just ad-libbing!
 
               
               [Leela struggles to get out of Beelzebot's hold but he is holding 
               her too tightly. Fry gazes at his hands.]
 
               
                                     PREACHERBOT
                         (singing) By the power vested in me,
 
                         
               By the state of New New York -

               
                                     FRY
                         No!  Stop! Take my hands!

               (singing) You evil metal dork!

               
               [He falls to his knees and cries. The Robot Devil cackles, pulls 
               out his cleaver and chops his hands off Fry's wrists. Leela gasps. 
               The lights dim.]
 
               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully 
                         decadent and just as I was beginning 
                         to lose interest.  The chocolate icing! 
                          Oh my!
 
               
               [The Robot Devil screws his hands back onto his wrists and Fry 
               looks at his own.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         My hands. My horrible human hands.  
                         And what did you do to my nails?
 
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         I cleaned them. Now if you'll excuse 
                         me it's my poker night and I feel lucky. 
                          So it's back to hell for me. Come on 
                         Nixon!
 
               
               [He picks up Nixon's jar.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Huh?

               
               [They vanish in a flash of smoke and flame. The audience murmur 
               in confusion and don't notice the Robot Devil running out of 
               the auditorium behind them.]
 
               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the 
                         opera.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But I can't play anymore.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) Yes you can. The beauty was 
                         in your heart, not your hands.  The 
                         music's bad and you should feel bad.
 
                         
               
               [The audience gets up and walks out, throwing paper at Fry along 
               the way.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah! Ooo, ah, whoa, hey!

               
               [Outside Metropolitan House Of Opera. The audience flock out 
               of the opera house. Tinny Tim has a new newspaper.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         (shouting) Extra! Extra! Greatest opera 
                         of all time sucks!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'll take eight!

               
               [He hands Tinny Tim some money and picks up a pile of newspapers.]
 
               
               
               [Metropolitan House Of Opera. Fry sits alone on the stage in 
               the empty auditorium. He puts his holophonor on the floor and 
               gets up to leave.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Please don't stop playing Fry. I wanna 
                         hear how it ends.
 
               
               [Fry turns around. Leela is the only person left in the room. 
               He smiles then sits down, picks up the holophonor and starts 
               to play. The smoke whirls around above him and forms a crude 
               cartoon-like image of him and Leela who turn to each other and 
               take hold of one another's hand. They kiss, turn around and walk 
               away towards the horizon, never taking their eyes off each other.]
 
               
               
               THE END

               

The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings



Writers :   Ken Keeler
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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