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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 301

                                     "THE HONKING"

                                           By

                                       Ken Keeler

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Smell-O-Vision Users Insert Nostril 
               Tubes Now.]
 
               
               [Old Building. A robot croaks and his arm shakes. He tries to 
               clench his fist but is too weak and his arm falls beside him. 
               He is lying in an old four-poster bed. The room around him is 
               covered in cobwebs and lit by candles. A human butler stands 
               at one side of the bed and a Doctorbot and the Preacherbot stand 
               on the other side. The Doctorbot opens the old robot's chest 
               cabinet and inside a life-support machine beeps and stops. The 
               robot is dead. The Doctorbot closes the robot's eyes.]
 
               
                                     DOCTORBOT
                         Notify his survivors.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender!  B-E-N-D-E-R! 
                         Be-ender! Sayin' B-E-N-D-ERRR...
 
               
               [Enter Hermes. He picks up a remote control and mutes Bender. 
               Bender carries on dancing, unaware.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Mail call! Amy, here's your designer 
                         lingerie catalogue, Fry, Sadie's Bra 
                         Parade and Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.
 
                         
               
               [Leela snatches the catalogue from him.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You buy one pound of underwear and you're 
                         on their list forever.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         And for Bender, uh-oh: A black-bordered 
                         envelope.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh no, someone you know must've died.
 
                         
               
               [Bender takes the envelope and Hermes un-mutes him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I hope it was one of my enemies, those 
                         guys suck!  Oh no, my uncle Vladimir.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Tomorrow, at the family castle. Followed 
                         by the reading of his will.  Well, I'm 
                         rich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always 
                         hated!  C'mon, it'll be fun!
 
               
               [Somewhere In Eastern Europe. The Planet Express ship lands in 
               a lightning storm. It gets caught in a huge cobweb between some 
               trees before landing on a landing pad near a small settlement.]
 
               
               
               [Thermostadt. The crew walk into the capital of the Robo-Hungarian 
               Empire. The town is populated by robots, dressed like 11th century 
               folk. Bender addresses a robot feeding a horse.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, pardon me, my good simpleton, could 
                         you take us to yon castle?
 
               
               [He points to a huge imposing castle on a mountain top. The townsfolk 
               mutter and run indoors. An old hunchbacked robot hobbles towards 
               the crew.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT #1
                         Some say unholy things happen up there.
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         For example: All of us say that.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Fuf! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo.
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not! 
                         With all your modern science are you 
                         any closer to understanding the mystery 
                         of how a robot walks or talks?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, you idiot.  The circuit diagram 
                         is right here on the inside of your 
                         case.
 
               
               [The robot slams it shut.]

               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         I choose to believe what I was programmed 
                         to believe.
 
               
               [Mountain. A hover-carriage pulled by two horses skids around 
               a corner on a narrow mountain pass. It stops suddenly. Bender 
               peeps out of the window.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         I will go this far and no further.
 
                         
               
               [They are right outside the front door of the castle.]

               
               [Castle Cemetery. The crew and Vladimir's other relatives stand 
               in the cemetery which is populated by such robots as Blimpf, 
               Hovermayor of Thermostadt ("I Will Rise Again") and The Red LeBaron. 
               Vladimir's gravestone has "Vladimir 2790-3001. Efficient Father 
               And Husband" engraved on it.]
 
               
                                     PREACHERBOT
                         I now commend Vladimir's remains to 
                         the earth. Filings to filings; rust 
                         to rust.
 
               
               [Four pallbearerbots carry Vladimir's body towards the grave, 
               package his body in polystyrene and a cardboard box, stamp "Return 
               To Sender" on it and place it in the ground. A Fembot weeps and 
               Preacherbot fills the hole.]
 
               
               [Execu-tor & Prosecutron Solicitors. Everyone is gathered for 
               the reading of the will.]
 
               
                                     SOLICITORBOT
                         (reading) To my loyal butler, You There, 
                         I leave a pittance, to be paid in 20 
                         equal installments of one-twentieth 
                         of a pittance each.  To my lazy, spoiled 
                         son, Tandy, who never learned the value 
                         of a dollar, I leave my entire $10 million 
                         fortune.
 
               
               [Tandy leans over to his wife.]

               
                                     TANDY
                         (whispering) Is that a lot?

               
                                     SOLICITORBOT
                         (reading) And to my loving nephew, Bender, 
                         assuming he's not responsible for my 
                         death, I leave my castle.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! Let's stay there tonight.

               
                                     SOLICITORBOT
                         (reading) On condition that he spend 
                         one night within its walls.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh man, there's always a catch.

               
               [Castle Dining Room. The crew sit around a long table. Lightning 
               still crackles outside. Bender sips from a glass.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah! I got a good vibe from this place: 
                         Nice long dinner table, quiet, well-behaved 
                         spiders, graveyard-adjacent. Yep! It's 
                         gonna be -
 
               
               [He drops his glass and screams.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What is it?

               
               [Bender peeps over the top of the table and points.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         That painting, the eyes are watching 
                         me!
 
               
               [Farnsworth walks towards a portrait of Commodore LXIV.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm.  It has motor eye sensors attached 
                         to motion detectors.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So does my butt, but I don't frame it 
                         and put it on the wall! Although... 
                          What's that?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I don't know, but it's infectious!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs.]

               
               [Castle Parlour. The crew sit in front of a roaring fire in an 
               old parlour. Bender's teeth chatter together.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No doubt about it, this place is haunted.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Don't be silly mon, the last ghost died 
                         over 200 years ago.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         The last human ghost. But robot ghosts?
 
                         
               
               [He shudders. The Windows music plays again. Bender gasps and 
               points at some blood-red numbers appearing on a wall. Leela and 
               Amy turn around.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (reading) 0101100101. (talking) What 
                         does it mean?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's just gibberish.  (reading) 1010011010?!
 
                         
               
               [He screams and runs out of the room.]

               
               [Cut to: Castle Corridor. He runs down the corridor being chased 
               by a ghostly toaster with wings and the Windows logo. He runs 
               around a corner and gasps.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uncle Vladimir!

               
                                     VLADIMIR-GHOST
                         Come, Bender. You'll like being dead!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's what they said about being alive.
 
                         
               
               [Some robot ghosts appear from paintings on the wall.]

               
                                     ROBOT GHOSTS
                         (chanting) Join us! Join us! Join us, 
                         Bender!
 
               
               [Bender screams and runs away. Again.]

               
               [Cut to: Castle Cemetery. The crew are digging up the graves 
               of other robots. Fry hands Leela the toaster that chased Bender. 
               Farnsworth dusts of a piece of sparking equipment.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Just as I suspected. These robots were 
                         buried in improperly shielded coffins. 
                         Their programming leaked into the castles 
                         wiring through this old, abandoned modem 
                         allowing them to project themselves 
                         as holograms.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Of course! It was so obvious!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, that sequence of words I said made 
                         perfect sense. We really should tell 
                         Bender there's nothing to be afraid 
                         of.
 
               
               [Bender runs, screaming, through the middle of the group and 
               out onto the moors.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Moors. Bender stops running and leans against a wall 
               as he catches his breath. He jumps and turns around. Behind him, 
               two lights light up. They are the headlights on a car. It races 
               towards him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (screaming) No!

               
               [The car hits him and Bender goes flying, landing on the ground 
               unconscious. The car howls at the moon and honks.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The next morning the crew find Bender in a crumpled 
               mess on the floor.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, wake up!  He's OK! Quick, does 
                         anyone have any liquor?
 
               
               [Everyone offers him some. Bender takes a hip flask from Amy.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, what happened?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Somebody tried to run me over. And not 
                         with a normal hover-car. It crept along 
                         the ground on round, rubber feet, like 
                         a wolf!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've 
                         been drinking too much, or too little, 
                         I forget how it works with you. Anyway, 
                         you haven't drunk exactly the right 
                         amount.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Maybe he's right, look at these tracks.
 
                         
               
               [She points at some tyre tracks. Bender screams.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I think Bender may be telling the truth.]
 
                         
               
               [The other five scream.]

               
               [The ship flies back to New New York City later that night.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The next morning, Bender staggers into 
               the lounge, where the rest of the crew already are. His eyes 
               are bloodshot.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Bender, you look awful. I prescribe 
                         make-up. Here. It just so happens I 
                         have my Mary Kay sample case!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares 
                         all night about cars running people 
                         over.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Many people dream of a fresh, new look. 
                         And Mary Kay can make those dreams come 
                         true.
 
               
               [Enter Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Look at this. They found those same 
                         rubbery tracks right here in New New 
                         York.  There was a hit-and-run by the 
                         robot porno theatre.
 
               
               [Bender gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Robot porno theatre? I was in that...general 
                         area, last night. Whoever ran me down 
                         on those moors must've followed me back 
                         here.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Bender mon, no one's trying to run you 
                         over. Stop being a big, hallucinating 
                         baby.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah?! Could a big, hallucinating baby 
                         do this: (crying) I scared!
 
               
               [New New York Street. A grey car drives across rooftops and down 
               the transport tubes. In an alley two vandals smash up a car with 
               a blernsball bat and a crowbar. One laughs.]
 
               
                                     VANDAL #1
                         I don't know which I like more: Smashing 
                         cars or smashing faces.
 
               
                                     VANDAL #2
                         Well. lucky you don't gotta decide tonight. 
                         No come on, we got church tomorrow. 
                          Did you hear something?
 
               
               [They both look around then carry on walking.]

               
                                     VANDAL #1
                         Ah, it was probably just a golden marmoset.
 
                         
               
               [The car revs it's engine.]

               
                                     VANDAL #2
                         That don't sound like any golden marmoset 
                         I ever heard.
 
               
               [They run into a building called The Squatterly.]

               
               [Cut to: The Squatterly. They close the door behind them, catch 
               their breath and high-five.]
 
               
                                     VANDAL #1
                         Made it!

               
               [Vandal #2 presses the elevator button.]

               
                                     VANDAL #2
                         So anyway, what're you wearing tomorrow?
 
                         
               
               [The elevator doors open. The car is in there. The vandals scream.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: New New York Street. The car's honk and howl echoes 
               around the city.]
 
               
               [Impound Lot 136. The next morning Bender wakes up in a puddle 
               of oil. He groans and wipes some oil from his mouth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Where...? What the...?  Transmission 
                         fluid? Where have I been? What happened?
 
                         
               
               [Sal kicks him.]

               
                                     SAL
                         Get outta here, yous lazy bum!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Please, I'm scared.

               
                                     SAL
                         We're all scared, it's the human condition. 
                         Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy 
                         facade? Now beat it!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender recounts his tale to Fry and 
               Leela.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I passed out around midnight, which 
                         is much earlier that usual, and when 
                         I woke up, I found these in my chest 
                         cabinet.
 
               
               [He pulls out some fluffy dice.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aw, relax buddy. You were probably just 
                         shooting some big, fuzzy craps.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, I think I may have hurt someone. 
                         Oh Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous 
                         meltdown.
 
               
               [He bangs his head.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Geez Bender, you're scaring me. You're 
                         going wacko!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You're right, I need professional help. 
                         And damn the expense.
 
               
               [Carnival. Bender's "professional help" is a Circus Fortune-teller 
               machine which costs 5c.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Damn the expense!

               
               [He puts 5c in and the gypsy lights up.]

               
                                     GYPSY
                         My friend, you have nothing to worry 
                         about. Except a nightmare-ish life of 
                         unremitting horror!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Phew!

               
                                     GYPSY
                         For, you see, you are a were-car.

               
               [Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         A were-car?

               
                                     GYPSY
                         The car that ran you down on the moors 
                         was also a were-car. It beamed a virus 
                         to you through its demonic headlights.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's crazy!

               
                                     GYPSY
                         Yes. So crazy that it must be true! 
                         Each midnight, when your clock resets 
                         to zero, your hardware reconfigures 
                         into a murderous, four-wheeled car.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I can't keep running people over. I'm 
                         not famous enough to get away with it. 
                         Can't you help me?
 
               
                                     GYPSY
                         Yes. But you must be willing to pay 
                         a terrible price.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, yeah, yeah.

               
               [He puts another 5c in.]

               
                                     GYPSY
                         Follow me.

               
               [She walks off.]

               
               [Gypsy's Caravan. She reads Curse Of The Were-Car. For Windows 
               98.]
 
               
                                     GYPSY
                         According to this ancient read-me file, 
                         your only hope is to destroy the original 
                         were-car.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm with you.

               
                                     GYPSY
                         In its death throes, the dread car will 
                         beam out the virus's uninstall program, 
                         thus ridding you of the curse.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Otherwise, I can never die?

               
                                     GYPSY
                         Who said that? Sure you can die. You 
                         want to die?
 
               
               [She points a laser at him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         No! I wanna live! There's still too 
                         many things I don't own!
 
               
                                     GYPSY
                         Then live on, forever cursed. Each night, 
                         your attacks will become more gruesome 
                         until, one dark night you are doomed 
                         to kill your dearest friend.
 
               
               [Fry gulps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I wouldn't wanna be me right now.

               
                                     GYPSY
                          Now go! Go!  Uh, could one of you just...? 
                         Ah, forget it. I'll just sleep here.
 
                         
               
               [She starts to snore and the others leave.]

               
               [Fry and Bender's Lounge. Leela finishes welding Bender to the 
               wall.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There. No rampaging for you tonight.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone 
                         except me to the wall?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry 
                         you down, have a nice breakfast and 
                         then go hunt down and slaughter that 
                         ancient evil.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It'll be a rich, full day.

               
               [Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Fry and Leela leave the building.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my 
                         dinners for the next month and freeze 
                         them.
 
               
               [The two part company. Above them, the huge digital clock displays 
               11:58:48, 49, 50, 51, 52...]
 
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. Bender stirs in his sleep. 
               His internal clock reaches midnight and the were-car routine 
               begins. He wakes up. His arm turns into a wheel, as do his other 
               limbs. He falls from the wall and his casing forces itself into 
               the shape of a car chasis. His head stretches and his eyes turn 
               into headlights. They light up and the engine purrs.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The Bender-car bursts 
               through the wall and drives down the corridor.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Bender smashes through 
               the front doors and speeds off down the street. He howls and 
               honks at the moon.]
 
               
               [Cut to: New New York Street. Leela walks through the deserted 
               city and gulps when she hears the honking. Fry turns as he hears 
               it. Leela walks around a corner and comes to face to face with 
               the Bender-car. She dives out of the way. Fry appears.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Bender, no!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Fry, stay back!

               
               [Bender tears after her. He chases her into an alley and she 
               comes to a dead end.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) You jerk. I thought I was 
                         your best friend. What kind of two-timing 
                         kill-mobile are you?
 
               
               [Bender drives at Leela and she screams. She runs through a gap 
               in the fence and into a junkyard.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Park Avenue Junk. Leela jumps onto a mattress and springs 
               out of Bender's way. Bender crashes into some rubbish. He shakes 
               it off and looks around for Leela. Leela drives up behind him 
               in a crane and lifts him up with the grabber. Bender growls and 
               honks.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe this. Bender is supposed 
                         to murder his closest friend, which 
                         I thought was me. But he went straight 
                         for you. He didn't even try to second-degree 
                         murder me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Could you give me some help? I think 
                         Bender crushed my foot.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Stop rubbing it in.

               
               [Time Lapse. The next morning Bender is nearly back to normal, 
               though his right arm is still a wheel. He wakes up, screams and 
               shakes it back to normal. Leela lowers him to the ground.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh God. Fry, I'm so glad to see you. 
                         I didn't hurt you did I?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Not physically. But why don't you ask 
                         your new best friend, Leela?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I tried to run you over?

               
                                     LEELA
                         It was very sweet of you, Bender.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have 
                         love enough for two.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Words. Nothing sweet, sweet words that 
                         turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Enough with the feelings, you two. If 
                         we're gonna cure Bender we've got to 
                         go back to the castle and hunt down 
                         the original were-car.
 
               
               [Thermostadt. The ship lands outside the town and Fry, Bender 
               and Leela walk through the street. The robots make the sign of 
               the cross but the crew take no notice.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, yeah, yeah.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Cursed, got it.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whatever.

               
               [Outside Old Shack. The trio follow some tyre tracks to the garage 
               door of a rickety, old shack.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The tracks lead here.

               
                                     FRY
                         Thanks, eagle eye.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Now it's daylight, so he should be in 
                         robot form. But be careful. Many robots 
                         are stupid and violent.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (sarcastic) I wish I was stupid and 
                         violent. Then we'd see what's what, 
                         I'd pound him till -
 
               
               [He screams and someone rams a pitchfork at him.]

               
                                     YOKELBOT
                         Get ye to your house, ye ignorant villagers.
 
                         
               
               [He pokes Bender with his pitchfork.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         We are not ignorant villagers, we're 
                         sophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup 
                         his butt!
 
               
               [They dive on the robot and punch him.]

               
                                     YOKELBOT
                         Stop! What are ye doing?

               
                                     BENDER
                         We're whaling on the original were-car, 
                         which is you, you jerk.
 
               
                                     YOKELBOT
                         Ye think me be he?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Sí.

               
                                     YOKELBOT
                         Nee. I mean, "no". I was given the curse 
                         many a year ago while on a bird-watching 
                         trip to the Arctic...
 
               
               [Arctic. The ship cruises over the icy land, lands and skids 
               to a stop outside an igloo.]
 
               
                                     YOKELBOT
                         (voice-over) ...I was attacked by a 
                         vicious, motorised sled. The natives 
                         called it the abominable snowmobile.
 
                         
               
               [Igloo. The crew sit with an Inuitbot.]

               
                                     INUITBOT
                         Yes, it's true. I ran over that bird-watching 
                         jerk and a hundred others. Even my best 
                         friend from aromatherapy school.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I once had a best friend who liked to 
                         smell things with me.
 
               
               [He glares at Bender.]

               
                                     INUITBOT
                         Alas, I'm afraid I'm not the original 
                         were-car. I received the curse while 
                         taking a learning annex class from a 
                         famous robot actor.
 
               
               [Outside All My Cicuits Soundstage. The crew go in.]

               
                                     INUITBOT
                         (voice-over) You know him as Calculon.
 
                         
               
               [Calculon's Dressing Room. Calculon is dressed in period costume. 
               He dabs himself with Silver Pancake and Iron Blush.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (dramatically) Oh, fate most cruel, 
                         would that my boundless acting skills 
                         would avail me a sword with which to 
                         slay this wretched curse.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Let's kick him some more.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         No, wait, let me explain. (dramatically) 
                         It all began one fateful night a thousand 
                         years ago.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're a thousand 
                         years old? Your bio says you're 27!
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Lies! I change my identity and upgrade 
                         my appearance every few decades to avoid 
                         suspicion. I was all of history's great 
                         acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, 
                         David Duchovny!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Look, are you the original were-car 
                         or not?
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         No, but you are nearing the end of your 
                         search, for you see I was attacked by 
                         the original were-car.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Give us a name MacButt!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         The year was 2019, and I was just a 
                         lowly robot arm...
 
               
               [Flashback. 2019 - Car Factory.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         (voice-over) ...working in an automotive 
                         research lab. I was working on Project 
                         Satan......a savage, intelligent military 
                         vehicle built from the most evil parts 
                         of the most evil cars in all the world. 
                         The steering wheel from Hitler's staff 
                         car, the left-turn signal from Charles 
                         Manson's VW, the windshield from that 
                         car that played Knight Rider.
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Knight Rider wasn't evil.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         His windshield wipers were. It didn't 
                         come up much in the show though. Anyway...
 
                         
               
               [Flashback. 2019 - Car Factory.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         (voice-over) ...Only after bringing 
                         Project Satan to life did they discover 
                         they had made a horrible mistake.  For 
                         you see, it was pure evil.
 
               
               [Project Satan's headlight light up and it rams Calculon. It 
               honks and howls.]
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         So what happened to Project Satan?
 
                         
               
               [Paris. Bender. Leela and Fry stand near the Eiffel Tower looking 
               around.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (voice-over) It's either in Paris, or 
                         much more likely...
 
               
               [Outside Chrysler Factory.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         (voice-over) ...still in the abandoned 
                         automotive lab.
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship lands outside the building. Someone 
               has sprayed "Anti" in front of "Chrysler".]
 
               
               [Chrysler Factory. Rats run around the deserted building. Leela, 
               Bender and Fry open the door and walk in.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You guys distract the were-car and I'll 
                         kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe 
                         with this silver potato.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The crew peer over a pile of debris.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (whispering) Psst, there it is.

               
               [Project Satan is parked next to a furnace, sobbing.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It looks so unhappy. Excuse me? Are 
                         you Project Satan?  Don't be afraid. 
                         We know what you are.
 
               
                                     PROJECT SATAN
                         You do?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Would you like us to...put you out of 
                         your misery?
 
               
                                     PROJECT SATAN
                         Misery? What misery? I love killing 
                         people! Squishing them till their organs 
                         squirt out like chunky mustard.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Look, everyone love killing people, 
                         but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
 
                         
               
               [He puts his arms around Fry and Leela. Fry walks off in a huff. 
               A bell rings 12 outside. Bender's arms turn into wheels.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh no! It's midnight.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, this is starting to feel pretty 
                         good!
 
               
               [His legs morph into wheels and he and Project Satan laugh. Project 
               Satan turns to Fry and Leela.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, distract him.

               
                                     FRY
                          Hey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm 
                         a blind pedestrian. 20 points!
 
               
               [Project Satan chases Fry and Leela grabs hold of its back bumper.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe!

               
                                     PROJECT SATAN
                         That's right, thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s 
                         electric motor, the most evil propulsion 
                         system ever conceived!  Take whichever 
                         one you want.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy 
                         store!
 
               
               [He chooses Fry and tries to ram him. Fry runs away.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (gasping) Yes! He chose me! He's trying 
                         to kill me! Leela, I'm so happy!  (talking) 
                         Oh, thanks Bender.  (choking) Too tight! 
                         Too tight!
 
               
               [Bender's steering wheel starts hitting Fry in the face. Project 
               Satan chases Leela into a crash test area and up a huge ramp. 
               She dives off the end of it.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Whoa!

               
               [Project Satan screams as he flies over several yellow school 
               buses. Bender drives up the other ramp and he, Project Satan 
               and Fry scream as they fly past each other. Project Satan drives 
               down the other ramp and laughs, then screams as it realises it 
               is about to go face-first into a very, very, very, very, very 
               hot furnace. It slams its brakes on but doesn't stop in time. 
               It lands in the furnace and melts. It's headlight flash purple. 
               Bender's antenna beeps as the were-car program uninstalls itself. 
               He starts turning back into his normal self.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh-oh.

               
               [He runs down the other ramp and falls over, back to his old 
               robot self.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, you're cured! But what happened 
                         to Fry?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) I must've killed him. He's 
                         my best friend and I killed him. I never 
                         felt so empty inside.
 
               
               [His door opens. Fry is inside.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, I'm alive!  You didn't hurt 
                         me at all. But I know you wanted to, 
                         and that's what matters.  Here's to 
                         you.
 
               
               [He drinks.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. 
                         I'll kill you!
 
               
               [Fry raises his bottle.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill 
                         you too!
 
               
               [Bender starts to choke him.]

               
               THE END

               
               

The Honking



Writers :   Ken Keeler
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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