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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 211 

                                 "THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS"

                                           By

                                     Eric Horstead

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Advertisment: Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]
 
               
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         (voice-over) Futurama is brought to 
                         you by......Arachno Spores! The fatal 
                         spore, with the funny name!
 
               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: The Show That Watches Back.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. A show called Cop Department is on TV.]
 
               
               
               
               [Fry, Bender and Leela sit slumped on the couch. The coffee table 
               is filled with dishes, uneaten burgers and boxes of Chinese food. 
               On the TV is a dazed centipede-like alien with a blurred face.]
 
               
               
                                     ALIEN [ON TV]
                         C'mon man, I didn't fire off no laser.
 
                         
               
                                     SMITTY [ON TV]
                         Then why is there a smoking hole in 
                         your ceiling sir?
 
               
               [The camera points to the ceiling.]

               
                                     ALIEN [ON TV]
                         What? Crazy upstairs lady must've been 
                         shooting down.
 
               
                                     URL [ON TV]
                         Sir, you're on the top floor of this 
                         particular domicile.
 
               
               [The alien's wife walks in.]

               
                                     ALIEN'S WIFE [ON TV]
                         You get that  camera out of my house!
 
                         
               
                                     SMITTY [ON TV]
                         Just relax ma'am.  Sir, sir, put down 
                         the lamp.
 
               
               [The alien smashes the lamp.]

               
                                     ALIEN [ON TV]
                         OK. OK, I'm co-operating.

               
                                     SMITTY [ON TV]
                         That's it, now put up your hands.

               
               [The alien puts it's 20 hands in the air and URL moves towards 
               him, cuffs at the ready.]
 
               
                                     URL [ON TV]
                         Nice and slow. Aww yeah!

               
                                     SMITTY [ON TV]
                         And while you're at it, unblur your 
                         face.
 
               
                                     ALIEN [ON TV]
                         Aw man.

               
               [He unblurs his face. It wasn't a TV effect!]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey Bender, I thought you said you were 
                         in this episode.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape 
                         3 because of what I did in the coffee 
                         pot.
 
               
               [Fry spits out his coffee. On the TV URL walks the alien out 
               of the building.]
 
               
                                     ALIEN [ON TV]
                         I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just 
                         going through some things.
 
               
               [Smitty opens the car door but the alien head butts him and runs 
               into some bushes. URL lifts up a shoe.]
 
               
                                     URL [ON TV]
                         I'm goin' in.

               
               [The Cop Department logo appears on the screen.]

               
               
               [The picture changes to a traffic-packed New New York.]

               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (tense and impatient) Shut up and get 
                         to the point!
 
               
               
               [A woman looks around the street.]

               
                                     WOMAN [ON TV]
                         It's like stepping back stepping back 
                         into the year 2000!
 
               
               [A cowboy riding a hover-moped and carrying a harpoon pulls up. 
               More cowboys follow him.]
 
               
                                     COWBOY [ON TV]
                         Time for the mammoth hunt dudes!

               
               [They ride off and start attacking a robotic mammoth on the streets. 
               It roars. A hot air balloon flies over head. Inside are actors 
               playing Albert Einstein and Hammurabi, an ancient king of Babylonia 
               who reigned around 2000BC, rather than AD.]
 
               
                                     EINSTEIN
                         Let's disco dance Hammurabi!

               
                                     HAMMURABI
                         Dy-no-mite!

               
               [And they do. The Past-O-Rama logo appears on the screen, a play 
               on the title logo of an unpopular cartoon series from the early 
               21st century.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Sounds like your kinda place Fry. Wanna 
                         go?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Nah. If I ever wanna go back to the 
                         year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         C'mon Fry, I really wanna see it. You 
                         know how I yearn for a simpler time. 
                         A time of barn dances and buggy rides, 
                         before life was cheapened by heartless 
                         hi-tech machines.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But Bender you are -

               
               [Bender hods his hands to his ear units and shakes his head.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 
                         blah blah blah blah...
 
               
               [Outside Past-O-Rama. The place has a Disneyland-esque theme 
               to it and a slogan adorns a sign: "It's Da Boom!"]
 
               
               [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender, Leela and Fry walk around 
               the streets, crowded with other tourists. They pass shops such 
               as 47th Street Butter Churns, Iowa Bagel Co and a cinema playing 
               Star Wars 9: Yoda's Bar Mitzvah.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cool, it's just like the good old days!
 
                         
               
               [A man jumps Fry with a knife.]

               
                                     MUGGER
                         Give me your wallet or I'll cut you!
 
                         
               
               [Fry laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey Leela, get a picture of me being 
                         "mugged."
 
               
               [He dangles his wallet in front of the mugger and Leela takes 
               a photo.]
 
               
                                     MUGGER
                         I'll take the camera too.

               
               [He takes it and runs out through an exit. Fry laughs until he 
               realises what has happened. He clears his throat.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Learning is fun.

               
               [Time Lapse. Leela points at a screen with Dow: 11,107 on it.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ooo, ancient Wall Street.

               
               [The Dow drops to 7,539 and stockbrokers crowd around the windows 
               inside.]
 
               
                                     STOCKBROKER #1
                         No!

               
                                     STOCKBROKER #2
                         I'm ruined!

               
               [They throw themselves out of the window. The Dow goes back up 
               to 11,108 and they fly back through the windows with jet-packs.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. The trio have joined a tour group. The guide is 
               dressed in old fashioned very pre-20th century American clothing.]
 
               
               
                                     TOUR GUIDE
                         I direct your attention to this ancient 
                         and mysterious tablet which has yet 
                         to be deciphered.
 
               
               [He points to a parking sign. Leela turns to Fry.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Do you know what it means?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah I asked a cop once. It means "Up 
                         yours kid."
 
               
               [Bender puts his arms around Fry and Leela.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I gotta say I'm really enjoying the 
                         day out with you people - Hey, a suicide 
                         booth! So long suckers.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, sorry Bender that's just a phone 
                         booth.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (disappointed) Oh.

               
                                     LEELA
                         What were they used for?

               
                                     FRY
                         In New York? Bathrooms.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh. I-I'll be out in a sec.

               
               [She walks into the phonebox.]

               
               [Past-O-Rama XLIInd Street Subway. A guy with an afro stands 
               next to some graffiti on the wall that just says "graffiti." 
               On the same wall are two signs, one advertising "Learn Spanglish" 
               and the other advertising "Laser Tentacle Surgery" in AL1. Bender, 
               Fry and Leela stand by a turnstile.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (reading) Tokens only. (talking) How 
                         does this work?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll show you.  Whup.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ohh, it's a turnstile.

               
               [He hops over it and Leela follows with some fancy vaulting.]
 
               
               
               [Past-O-Rama Subway Train. Leela, Bender and Fry look around 
               the messy train car.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What's this?  Another bathroom?

               
                                     FRY
                         No, it's a mobile apartment with no 
                         rent.
 
               
               [He lies down on a seat and puts a newspaper over him. Bender 
               hits him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         C'mon Fry get up!

               
               [Fry snarls like a grumpy homeless person and turns away from 
               him.]
 
               
               [Past-O-Rama Street. They walk out of the subway and head elsewhere.]
 
               
               
               [Past-O-Rama Tresures Of The Holy Tomb. The 20th century museum 
               seems to be themed on Ancient Egypt. Leela reads a tour leaflet.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow! The burial chamber of the 20th 
                         century's greatest spiritual leader 
                         - Al Sharpton.
 
               
               [Bender looks at a glass case of jewellery.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow. Now this guy had taste!

               
                                     LEELA
                         It says he was mummified in ceremonial 
                         vestments.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We sometimes called it a jogging suit.
 
                         
               
               [Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a 
               holo-film of a busy New York street, packed with cars.]
 
               
                                     NARRATOR
                         (voice-over) They traffic jams of Old 
                         New York were a public forum of free 
                         interchange of opinions.
 
               
               [In the holo-film the cars honk their horns.]

               
               
               
                                     NARRATOR
                         (voice-over) It all started with Gerald 
                         Ford's famous invention, the "automocar" 
                         ......which was powered by a tank of 
                         burning fossils. Here we see a 20th 
                         century assembly line where cars were 
                         constructed by primative robots.
 
               
               [A metal door goes up and behind it robots dressed like cavemen 
               bang car frames with clubs.]
 
               
                                     ROBOTS
                         (chanting) Ooga ooga ooga ooga ooga 
                         ooga...
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         We've come a long way baby!

               
               [The walkway moves on.]

               
                                     NARRATOR
                         (voice-over) The fruit of the robots' 
                         labour was this......the stately 1992 
                         Latoura.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, my girlfriend had one of those! 
                         Actually it wasn't her's it was her 
                         dad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend. 
                         She just lived next door and never closed 
                         her curtains.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, remember when I told you about 
                         always ending your stories a sentence 
                         earlier?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         C'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look.
 
                         
               
               [He peers in through the car's window. A man dressed in medieval 
               clothes stands behind him.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Sir, we don't touch the antiques sir. 
                         You - oh!  I'm sorry. You work here. 
                         I should have realised from that ridiculous 
                         getup you're wearing.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! This is from Miller's Outpo - uh, 
                         I mean, yeah, I work here alright!
 
                         
               
               [The man hands him some keys.]

               
                                     MAN
                         Here, move this rust bucket outside 
                         behind Saint Koch's cathedral.
 
               
               [He moves away but takes one last look at Fry and laughs.]

               
               [Cut to: Car. Fry and Bender climb in the front and Leela sits 
               in the back.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Did you drive much in the 20th century 
                         Fry?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Nope.  No one in New York drove. There 
                         was too much traffic.  Nice! Listen 
                         to that baby purr!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         There's a baby in there huh?

               
               [Fry looks in behind him, in the rear-view mirror and behind 
               him again.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's just like riding a bicyc -

               
               [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. The car lurches forward 
               and smashes through the wall.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The three scream as the car speeds 
               past people and cuts up a taxi being pulled a rickshaw driver, 
               with a couple sat on the roof. The car mounts the pavement and 
               they carry on screaming.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Theatre. 26 dancebots can-can to a packed 
               theatre hall. The car ploughs through the wall and drives across 
               the stage, cutting off the dancebots' legs. The dancebots fall 
               to the floor.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The car spins out of control past 
               a three-card-monté-bot and finnaly crashes into something and 
               comes to a stop.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Car. The airbags inflate in the front and the three 
               groan.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I think I got whiplash.

               
                                     LEELA
                         You can't have whiplash, you don't have 
                         a neck.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I meant ass whiplash.

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm just glad we hit something. I thought 
                         we'd never stop.
 
               
               [He opens the door and gets out.]

               
               [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender and Leela get out too. There 
               is a huge smoking dent in the front of the car. The trio gasp. 
               The thing that made the dent was another bending unit. It is 
               Bender's exact double, except for a goatee. The bending unit 
               rubs it's ass.]
 
               
                                     BENDING UNIT
                         Ow! I think I got whiplash.

               
               [He falls unconcious.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Zoidberg, Leela and Hermes impatiently 
               pace around the room while Bender casually sits on the couch 
               reading a magazine. Fry looks at a clock. 6:24. 6:25. Enter Farnsworth 
               and Amy, wearing masks and work aprons. Farnsworth holds a blowtorch.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         How's that robot I ran over?

               
               [Farnsworth lifts his mask.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We did all we could.

               
               [Fry gasps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You mean he's -

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good as new? Yes.

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are assembled in 
               the room.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this 
                         is Flexo.
 
               
               [He points to Flexo who is sat on a worktop.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except 
                         for that stylish beard, he looks just 
                         like Bender!
 
               
               [Flexo hops off the worktop. His voice is exactly like Bender's.]
 
               
               
                                     FLEXO
                         No duh dreadlock, we're both bending 
                         units.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey brobot, what's you serial number?
 
                         
               
                                     FLEXO
                         3370318.

               
                                     BENDER
                         No way! Mine's 2716057!

               
               [They both laugh. Fry joins in then stops.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I don't get it.

               
                                     BENDER
                         We're both expressable as the sum of 
                         two cubes.
 
               
               [Flexo cheers and they high five.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your 
                         body like that. You OK now?
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Well I don't feel as bad as you look! 
                          Nah I'm just messing with you kid. 
                         You're alright. That's some face you 
                         got though, I think they got a cream 
                         for that.  Nah, you're great.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well just let me know if there's anything 
                         I can do to make it up to you.
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Actually your little stunt did a number 
                         on my back. You mind rubbin' it for 
                         me?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh...sure.

               
               [He starts rubbing Flexo's shoulders.]

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Aw yeah, that's it. A little lower.
 
                         
               
               [Lower.]

               
                                     FRY
                         How's that?

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Lower. Yeah that's it. A little lower 
                         though.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh I can't get any lower than this.
 
                         
               
                                     FLEXO
                         I'll say, you're rubbing my ass!

               
               [He and Bender burst out laughing and high five again.]

               
               [Outside Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. A robot advertises 
               what is inside.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT #1
                         Hey, check it out here, six beautiful 
                         devices. They know what you like and 
                         they'll do it to within a tolerance 
                         of one micron!
 
               
               [Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. In the smokey strip club a 
               Fembot does a fan dance with real fans.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         Yeah spin those fans baby!

               
               [Another robot dog whistles.]

               
                                     ROBOT #3
                         Alright mama!

               
                                     ROBOT #4
                         Gyrate baby!

               
               [Flexo and Bender smoke cigars. Fry coughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I don't like this place. It's 120 degrees 
                         and there's very little oxygen.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Shut up and hoot.  Hubba-hubba, she 
                         is built! In Mexico I believe.
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten 
                         - and plenty of it!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (unsure) Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust 
                         fan.
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Eww!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Pervert.

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Yoo-hoo!

               
               [He waves a dollar and puts it into the stripperbot.]

               
                                     STRIPPERBOT
                         Thanks moderate spender. Please select 
                         erotic transaction.
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Yeah, how 'bout a lapdance for my pal 
                         here?
 
               
               [The stripperbot moves towards Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, no, that's alright.  Ow! Ow!

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning Fry sits at the 
               table with a plaster on his head and holding an icebag to it 
               and wearing a neck brace.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm telling you there's something about 
                         Flexo I don't like.
 
               
               [Enter Flexo and Bender.]

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Hey Fry, think fast.  Get it? It's chlorine!
 
                         
               
               [He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It's funny because it's poisonous!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah keep laughing brineshrimp but he's 
                         bad news. I regret ever running him 
                         over.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Take a rage dump man. He's no worse 
                         than Bender.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         He's much worse. He drinks, he smokes 
                         and he posts naked pictures of me on 
                         the internet.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         That's Bender alright.

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm talking about Flexo.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh I get it, this is cute. You're jealous 
                         of Bender's new friend!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No I'm not. Mark my words. Flexo's evil. 
                         He's the evil Bender.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Rage dump!

               
               [Farnsworth appears on the big screen.]

               
               
               [Everyone looks around in confusion.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bedroom. Farnsworth sits on his 
               four-poster bed while the crew and Flexo are gathered around.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Everyone get in bed with me. I have 
                         something to show you.  Feast your eyes 
                         on this!
 
               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's beautiful.

               
                                     AMY
                         And huge.

               
                                     FRY
                         Can I touch it?

               
               [Behind the curtains Farnsworth holds a big glowing atom.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So what is it already?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's a single atom of jumbonium. And 
                         element so rare, the nucleus alone is 
                         worth more than $50,000.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         How much more?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         100,000. That's why I hid it here. Under 
                         my mattress.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh Professor, can we discuss this somewhere 
                         else?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why certainly.

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bathroom. Farnsworth sits in the 
               bath still holding the atom a toy scale model of the Planet Express 
               ship floats in the bath with him.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The atom sits atop this dime stored 
                         tiara which will be awarded to the winner 
                         of this years Miss Universe pageant 
                         on the planet Tova 9.  Your job is to 
                         deliver it, safe and sound.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Wow, when I was a little girl on Mars 
                         I dreamed of being Miss Universe.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's kinda pathetic.

               
                                     AMY
                         Aw come on Leela. Deep down all girls 
                         wanna be Miss Universe.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Not me.

               
                                     AMY
                         Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Due to the atom's tremendous value, 
                         Planet Express would go bankrupt if 
                         it was stolen. Therefore we'll need 
                         to hire on additional security for the 
                         mission.
 
               
               [Flexo raises his hand.]

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Oh oh Mr Professor, right here!

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, maybe we should stick with people 
                         we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great 
                         but -
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Flexo's great you say? Well that's good 
                         enough for me.  Welcome aboard lad.
 
                         
               
               [Flexo cackles.]

               
               [The ship speeds away from Earth en route to Tova 9.]

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela puts the atom in a transparent 
               safe and locks it. She turns around, holding a laser.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Space banditos have been operating in 
                         this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour 
                         shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, 
                         then Flexo, then Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, I don't like the sound of that. 
                         Let's just go alphabetically.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, let's go by rank.

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Flexo outranks me?

               
                                     FLEXO
                         That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!

               
               [He pokes Fry. Then some more.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Bender's shift has started. He stands with his laser 
               poises, rotating his head around. The cargo bay door opens. Enter 
               Fry. Bender points the laser at him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Halt. Who goes there?

               
                                     FRY
                         Don't point that at me.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry who?

               
                                     FRY
                         Look, I know Flexo's your friend but 
                         I don't trust him alone with the atom.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         My God Fry just 'cause the guy's got 
                         a beard you label him as evil? Well 
                         I got a label for you pal. An ugly little 
                         word called "prejudice."
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm not prejudiced.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah save it for the cross burning Adolf!
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry is gone and Bender sits with his feet on the 
               safe reading Pentiumhouse magazine. Enter Flexo.]
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Keeping an eye on the safe?

               
               [Bender puts down the magazine. He only has one eye.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You know it!

               
               [He points at his other eye sitting on a crate the other side 
               of the cargo bay, watching the safe.]
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Well, looks like it's my shift. You 
                         lie down and go offline for a while.
 
                         
               
               [Bender yawns.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright.

               
               [He picks up his eye and walks out the room whistling. The door 
               closes behind him and Flexo laughs as he looks at the atom. Fry 
               jumps out from behind a crate.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Caught you!  I saw you looking at the 
                         atom!
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         So? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't 
                         you be resting up for your shift?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh-ho you'd like it if I went to sleep 
                         wouldn't you?
 
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Whatever it takes to shut your yapper. 
                          Nah, I'm just kidding you, you're a 
                         joker.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah well here's a funny joke. I'm gonna 
                         sit right here till it's my shift.
 
                         
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Suit yourself skinbag.

               
                                     FRY
                         That I will.

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Good.

               
                                     FRY
                         Good.

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Good.

               
                                     FRY
                         Good.

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Good.

               
                                     FRY
                         Good.  Good.

               
               [Time Lapse. Flexo sits with the laser, bored, while Fry paces 
               up and down. Fry's watch beeps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, that's eight hours.

               
               [He snatches the laser from Flexo.]

               
                                     FLEXO
                         Yeah eight hours of solid boredom.  
                         Nah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful 
                         man.
 
               
               [He leaves and Fry sits down.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Finally, the atom is safe.

               
               [He falls asleep immediately.]

               
               [The ship flies towards Tova 9.]

               
               [Outside Miss Universe Pageant. The ship lands on a landing pad 
               near a sign informing people that "Contestants May Not Exceed 
               More Than 50% Implant."]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. The ship shakes as it lands and Fry 
               wakes up. He screams. The safe is broken and the atom is gone. 
               Leela runs in.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What is it?  My God! Did you hear maracas?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Then it wasn't space banditos.  Bender, 
                         lock down the ship, don't let Flexo 
                         escape.
 
               
               [Behind her Bender is wearing a blue scarf around his neck.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aye aye captain. It appears that Flexo 
                         has outwitted us all. Especially me...Bender.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela and Fry look at the broken safe.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         How could Flexo have stolen the atom?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         He must have used a sleep ray on me. 
                         Sleep rays exist in the future right?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No.

               
                                     FRY
                         Then I must've fallen asleep.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well you were sure right about Flexo 
                         being evil.
 
               
               [Bender peers around the doorway, the bottom of his face and 
               his body obscured by the wall.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I locked down the ship but he may have 
                         already gotten away.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, thanks Bender. Let's fan out and 
                         look for him.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Roger that, I got a map of the ship 
                         right here.
 
               
               [He walks into full view carrying a big map that hides his body 
               and lower face. Leela walks over to him and whispers to him.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Keep an eye on Fry. We 
                         can't rule out the possibility that 
                         he did it.
 
               
               [Ship's Medical Lab. Leela sneaks in with her laser at the ready. 
               She flicks on the lights and positions herself by a cupboard 
               marked "Emergency Supplies."]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aha!

               
               [She opens the cupboard but all that is in there is a clown suit.]
 
               
               
               [Leela's Quarters. Fry snoops around by a chest of drawers.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Aha!  Uh searching...hmm.

               
               [Enter Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry? Why are you looking for Flexo in 
                         my underpants drawer?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I didn't find him here 10 minutes ago 
                         so I thought it was time to check again.
 
                         
               
               [Leela slaps his hand. Bender walks in with the map covering 
               him again.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, he wasn't in the uh, kitchen room.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (suspicious) Say Bender, can I hold 
                         that map for a second?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Any leave me high and dry in case of 
                         a scavenger hunt? I think not.
 
               
               [Fry starts pulling at the map but Bender holds onto it, with 
               it still covering his face.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Give it up!

               
               [They struggle for a bit and Fry eventually pulls it away, revealing 
               Bender to be wearing his green turtleneck that covers his chin.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright, take it. Sheesh.

               
               [He leaves. Fry eyes him suspiciously.]

               
               [Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela and Fry inspect the safe again.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, looks like Flexo got away clean.
 
                         
               
               [Bender is stood behind Fry wearing another scarf.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's a darn shame.

               
                                     LEELA
                         He must have jumped ship with the atom 
                         the second we landed.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Or maybe, he never left at all!  Wait 
                         a minute. You're Bender.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Of course, who said I wasn't?

               
                                     FRY
                         But why were you wearing that scarf, 
                         that turtleneck and this fruity number?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's a little thing called "style." 
                         Look it up sometime.
 
               
               [He puts the scarf back on.]

               
               [Outside Miss Universe Pageant. A screen advertises the Miss 
               Universe pageant tonight and the Miss Parallel Universe pageant 
               tomorrow. Flexo runs into the building laughing evily.]
 
               
               [Miss Universe Pageant. Inside, the finalists are lined up, all 
               of them grotesque monsters. Bob Barker's head in a jar hosts.]
 
               
               
                                     BARKER
                         Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet; 
                         Halatina Smogmeyer.  And our tenth and 
                         final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, the 
                         Crushinator.
 
               
               [The Crushinator rolls in and crushes some shoes.]

               
                                     CRUSHINATOR
                         (mechanical voice) Thank you Bob Barker, 
                         I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.
 
                         
               
                                     BARKER
                         Which one of these lovely womanoids 
                         will take home the lovely tiara?
 
               
               [From the side of the stage Leela peers around the curtains and 
               gestures to Barker.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Downplay the tiara.

               
                                     BARKER
                         Uh, we'll find out after these subliminal 
                         messages.
 
               
               [Bob Barker's Dressing Room. The Planet Express crew are with 
               him.]
 
               
                                     BARKER
                         So you lost the atom huh? You're garbage, 
                         human garbage! Do you braindead space 
                         jockeys have any idea how much that 
                         thing is worth?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         100,000?

               
                                     LEELA
                         200,000?

               
                                     BENDER
                         200,001?

               
               [Barker looks at Leela.]

               
                                     BARKER
                         You're closest without going over.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, we'll be leaving now. If you'll 
                         just sign this form saying you received 
                         the atom.
 
               
                                     BARKER
                         I'm not signing squat. You find me that 
                         damn tiara before the pageant ends.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         But Mr Barker -

               
                                     BARKER
                         Enough out of you. I may be against 
                         the fur industry, but that won't stop 
                         me from skinning you alive! As long 
                         as no one wears the skin.
 
               
               [A woman wheels him out.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well gentlemen, it appears we're boned.
 
                         
               
               [Flexo wanders past the open door.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Flexo!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Get him!

               
               [Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Unnamed Planet #2859-B plays 
               the William Tell tune on a bugle. She stops and takes her hands 
               away revealing the bugle to be her nose. The judges give their 
               scores. Florp from planet Trisol gives her an 8, Calculon gives 
               her a nine and Zapp Brannigan holds up a "Room 715" sign and 
               shakes the keys to the room sexfully.]
 
               
                                     BARKER
                         Next up in what is generously called 
                         the "Talent Competition," performing 
                         a traditional gangster rap, Miss - what 
                         the?
 
               
               [Flexo runs onto the stage followed by Bender, Fry and Leela. 
               The women scream and Bender dives on Flexo.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Got you!

               
               [They get up and try punching each other, each moving exactly 
               the same way and getting nowhere.]
 
               
                                     WOMEN
                         (chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 
                         Fight!
 
               
               [Leela points a laser at the two robots. They have their hands 
               at each others throats, covering any suspicious goatee that might 
               help tell them apart.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Shoot him, he's choking me!

               
                                     FLEXO
                         No shoot him, he's choking me!

               
               [They struggle and beads of sweat trickle down Leela's face.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know which one to shoot.

               
                                     FRY
                         Flexo! Shoot Flexo!

               
               [Bender and Flexo fence each other using their antennas and they 
               break through a wall.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Miss Universe Dressing Room. The Miss Universe contestants 
               run away screaming, covering themselves with towels. An Amazonian 
               seperates them.]
 
               
                                     AMAZONIAN
                         Women only room!

               
               [She lifts them up.]

               
               [Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. The jellyfish creature Zoidberg 
               hooked up with in A Flight To Remember is in the middle of her 
               rap. Bender and Flexo fly out through the hole in the wall and 
               knock her over. They cover each others chins again.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, enough of this.  There's the 
                         atom!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw jeez.

               
                                     FRY
                         Bender? You stole the atom?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah but I can explain, it's very valuable.
 
                         
               
                                     FLEXO
                         I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. 
                         That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Whoa whoa, you mean Bender is the evil 
                         Bender? I am shocked, shocked! Well 
                         not that shocked.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm sorry we suspected you Flexo. It's 
                         just, what with the beard and all.
 
                         
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Don't even bother. You people sicken 
                         me. I put my life on the line to guard 
                         that atom and this is how you repay 
                         me? Well you can go rot for all I care. 
                          Nah, I'm just kidding, you guys are 
                         alright.
 
               
               [He walks off laughing.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm so confused. The Bender I liked 
                         turn out to be evil and the Bender I 
                         hated was good. How can I live my life 
                         when I can't tell good from evil?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh, they're both fine choices, whatever 
                         floats your boat.
 
               
               [He takes out a cigar and smokes it.]

               
               [Miss Universe Pageant Backstage. Bob Barker reads a book the 
               woman is holding. URL and Smitty drag Flexo in behind him.]
 
               
               
                                     URL
                         Is this the guy?

               
                                     BARKER
                         Huh? Oh yeah, that looks like him. Whatever.
 
                         
               
                                     FLEXO
                         Wait, but I -

               
                                     BARKER
                         Take him away.

               
               [Miss Universe Pageant. The contestants are all lined up ready 
               for the winner to be announced.]
 
               
                                     BARKER
                         Alright, let's put an end to this pathetic 
                         hoedown. Brannigan read the thing.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         And the winner is...

               
               [He starts to open the envelope. Leela, Fry and Bender watch 
               from the side of the stage.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan 
                         would be judging the most chauvinistic, 
                         degrading, dehumanising -
 
               
               [Zapp turns around.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Huh? Leela?

               
               [Everyone applauds and a spotlight moves to Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait, you're making a -  Ooo! Look at 
                         that.  I feel like a princess.
 
               
               [She starts to cry and walks on the stage and waves to the applauding 
               audience.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Wait. What are you people, idiots? I'm 
                         still going mano a mano with this envelope. 
                          Miss Vega 4.  (singing) There it is, 
                         Miss Universe. There it is, looking 
                         weird.
 
               
               [The tiara sinks into Miss Vega 4. Fry, Leela and Bender watch. 
               Leela sighs.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I almost had that tiara.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Me too.

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, you guys might both be losers 
                         but I just made out with that radiator 
                         woman from the radiator planet.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, that's a radiator.

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh.  Is there a burn ward within 10 
                         feet of here?
 
               
               THE END

               
               

The Lesser Of Two Evils



Writers :   Eric Horstead
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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