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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 218

                              "THE PROBLEM WITH POPPLERS"

                                           By

                                    Patric M. Verrone

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear in an oval.]

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         (voice-over) Futurama is brought to 
                         you by......Molten Boron!
 
               
                                     JINGLE
                         (singing) Nobody doesn't like Molten 
                         Boron!
 
               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: For External Use Only.]

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. The Planet Express ship flies away from a dark 
               brown world surrounded by green clouds. Fry and Leela talk.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         I hate the Planet of the Moochers. They 
                         take you out for a drink, but when the 
                         check comes, their wallet's always in 
                         their other pants - which they borrowed 
                         from me!
 
               
               [He is indeed only wearing his underwear on his lower half. Bender 
               climbs up the ladder from the galley wearing his chef's hat and 
               an apron which says "Heil To The Chef".]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Dinner ready?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out 
                         our pantry. All they left was baking 
                         soda and capers. And here it is!
 
               
               [He holds up a plate piled high with the stuff.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ugh!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Ugh! Great. We're two days from Earth 
                         with no food.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Problem solved: You two fight to the 
                         death and I'll cook the loser. (whispering 
                         to Leela) Work his gut; I like it tender.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                          Maybe that planet over there has a 
                         drive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy 
                         Joe's or a Chizzler or something.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a 
                         billion miles from nowhere.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard 
                         Johnson's.
 
               
               [Planet Surface. The ship flies over the planet's lush forests 
               which are covered by an orange-brown haze. It lands in a clearing.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela scans the area. Fry walks off into the woods.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, it's a type-M planet, so it should 
                         at least have Roddenberries.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm experienced at foraging. I used 
                         to find edible mushrooms on my bath 
                         mat.
 
               
               [Bender arrives with a sack over his shoulder.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, 
                         right?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (tempting) Not even if they're sautéed 
                         in a little mud?
 
               
               [He bounces a bucket of mud up and down. Fry pushes some leaves 
               apart.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Here's something. It looks like a ditch 
                         full of fried shrimp.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What are you, blind? It looks more like 
                         a hole full of fried prawns.
 
               
               [Leela picks it up and scans it with her armband. It makes a 
               noise like a truck.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hm. This thing I wear on my wrist says 
                         they're not poisonous.
 
               
               [She puts it in her mouth and starts chewing.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well? How are they?  Oh, they're great! 
                         They're like sex! Except I'm having 
                         them!
 
               
               [Bender sniffs one.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You know what these would go great with? 
                         Rocks.
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Look! Here's more!

               
                                     BENDER
                         The planet's covered with 'em.

               
                                     FRY
                         Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, a whole Bender-ful!

               
               [He opens his chest door and starts filling his cabinet.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         No. Only what we need. Stuff the ship.
 
                         
               
               [Outside Planet Express. The ships comes in ready to land. There 
               is a crate strapped to the roof. The hangar roof opens.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Hermes stands at a control panel 
               wearing earphones and a mic.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Planet Express ship, you are cleared 
                         to land.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                          Roger!

               
               [The ship lands.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The whole crew are gathered around the 
               table eating the things.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, man, I'm inhaling these things! 
                         You guys scored some primo stuff here.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg eats some.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         They're tastier than an unguarded penguin 
                         nest. What do you call them?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We haven't thought of a name yet.

               
                                     BENDER
                         They're tasty, right? Let's call 'em 
                         "Tasty-cles".
 
               
               [Hermes gasps.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Ew!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No!

               
                                     LEELA
                         We can't call them that.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Why not?

               
                                     LEELA
                         It sounds too much like those frozen 
                         rocky mountain oysters on a stick. You 
                         know, Test-cicles?
 
               
               [Hermes types something on a computer.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         According to government records, the 
                         only names not yet trademarked are "Popplers" 
                         and "Zittzers".
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I know, we'll call them Popplers!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Good idea.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh, yeah, why not?

               
                                     AMY
                         You sure picked it.

               
                                     FRY
                         Swish!

               
               [Zoidberg crams some more into his mouth.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Call them what you want. I call them 
                         a free meal.
 
               
               [Bender grabs his claw.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, whoa, slow down there, Sigmund. 
                         I can't stand idly by while poor people 
                         get free food. We gotta sell these things!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, yeah.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Good idea.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bender's a genius.

               
               [New New York City Street. Fry and Bender have set up a hover-cart 
               selling fresh Popplers. They sell a bag to a guy and Fry holds 
               some cash.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, business is great.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, great is OK, but amazing would be 
                         great.
 
               
               [They look across the street and see a queue forming at a hot 
               dog stand.]
 
               
                                     VENDOR
                         Please, don't push, there's hot dogs 
                         for everyone.
 
               
               [Bender grumbles and crosses the road. The vendor hands a man 
               a hot dog.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat 
                         droppings you ordered?
 
               
               [The man throws his hot dog down and the people in the queue 
               cross the road to the popplers stand.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         That's disgusting.

               
                                     VENDOR
                         Wait a minute. You're not the guy who 
                         delivers the rat droppings.
 
               
               [Bender chuckles and walks back across the road. A short man 
               with stubble is talking to Fry.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         What are you selling? Popplers? Never 
                         heard of 'em.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Eat it or beat it.

               
               [Fry hands the man a bag and he eats some.]

               
                                     MAN
                         Mmm, these are great. Boys, this is 
                         your lucky day. I'm Joe Gillman.
 
               
               [He points at a Fishy Joe's sign where he is dressed as a pirate 
               and eating a sandwich with an entire fish in it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy 
                         Joe's?
 
               
                                     GILLMAN
                         Hell, no. I am Fishy Joe! I've got a 
                         fast-food franchise on every planet 
                         in the known universe. Uh, except McPluto.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write 
                         you about your in-store kiddie parks. 
                         The slides won't support an adult robot.
 
                         
               
                                     GILLMAN
                         Good point, not interested. But these 
                         Popplers, these are great. How much 
                         you sell 'em for?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         A dollar a dozen.

               
                                     GILLMAN
                         You'll never make money that way. You 
                         supply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for 
                         two bucks a dozen at my restaurants. 
                         I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! I'm gonna be rich.  You too but 
                         it's hard to get excited about that.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         How do we sign?

               
               [Montage Scene. The Popplers popularity starts to grow. An Over 
               X Popplers Served sign is placed outside Fishy Joe's. It turns 
               to one. Fry and Bender record an advertising jingle.]
 
               
                                     FRY AND BENDER
                         (singing) Pop a Poppler in your mouth
 
                         
               When you come to Fishy Joe's

               What they're made of is a mystery

               Where they come from no-one knows

               
               You can pick 'em

               You can lick 'em

               You can chew 'em

               You can stick 'em

               If you promise not to sue us

               You can shove one up your nose.

               
               [In space, Bender paints "Poppler" on the ships tail and scrubs 
               out "Planet", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through 
               space carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign turns over 
               to over one million sold. People buy Popplers from tube-thru 
               window. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I can't pay.

               
               [Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Move it, man. Come on!

               
               [The ship flies out into space and comes back to Earth with a 
               U-Yank trailer. It flies over the city and crashes into a billboard 
               which says "Fishy Joe's. Over 3.8 x 10^10 Popplers Served".]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela! That's the second billboard you've 
                         crashed into this week!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters 
                         outside our building.
 
               
               [Outside Planet Express. The ship and U-Yank trailer land inside 
               while a crowd of hippies congregate outside with placards saying 
               "Stopp Before You Popp", "Eating Is Murder" and "Popplers Are 
               Peoplers Too!"]
 
               
                                     HIPPIE #1
                         Disgusting!

               
                                     HIPPIE #2
                         You should be ashamed!

               
               [Farnsworth leans out of the lounge window.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Hey! Unless this is a nude 
                         love-in, get the hell off my property!
 
                         
               
               [The leader, a guy called Free Waterfall Jr., laughs.]

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         You can't own property, man!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I can, but that's because I'm not a 
                         penniless hippie.
 
               
               [Leela, Fry and Bender arrive at the window.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) What do you people want?
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         (shouting) We're with Mankind for Ethical 
                         Animal Treatment.  Popplers are living 
                         creatures. You gotta stop harvesting 
                         them for food!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Or what?

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         (shouting) Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're vegetarians, who cares what you 
                         do?
 
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         Shut up.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Animals eat other animals. It's nature.
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat 
                         tofu.  The point is, you shouldn't eat 
                         things that feel pain.
 
               
               [Bender throws a brick at him and he clutches his head.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) OK, we won't eat you.

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'll go get some more bricks.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks over to the table 
               and picks up some Fishy Joe's buckets.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, I wish you'd throw out these week-old 
                         Popplers. They're getting big and scaly. 
                         Ooh, there's one left.
 
               
               [She picks it up. It uncurls itself. It has eyes and a mouth.]
 
               
               
                                     POPPLER
                         Mama!

               
               [Leela gasps and lets go of it. It lands in some honey mustard 
               sauce, laughs, and swims around in it. She clasps her hands to 
               her mouth and licks her fingers.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela runs into the lounge later where the rest 
               of the crew are eating Popplers.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Stop! Stop eating Popplers!

               
               [She throws Fry's, Zoidberg's and Farnsworth's buckets off the 
               table and smacks them out of Hermes' and Amy's hands.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Why?

               
               [Leela smashes Bender's beer.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         My booze!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Popplers are intelligent. This one called 
                         me mama.
 
               
               [She has the Poppler wrapped in a Tender 'n' Juicy napkin.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Congratulations. I assume Amy is the 
                         father.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating 
                         from not eating enough Popplers. Here, 
                         eat some now.
 
               
               [He picks up a bucket. Leela turns away.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         No!

               
               [Bender squeezes her mouth open and tips some Popplers into her 
               mouth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I said "eat"! Come on, mange!

               
               [Leela throws the bucket into a bin, gasps and runs over to it.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Sorry, babies.

               
               [She puts it on the table.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Leela, maybe you should lie down.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yes, listen to the father.

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm telling you, it spoke to me. Come 
                         on, little Poppler, say "mama".
 
               
               [She tickles it. Fry tuts and leans back in his chair.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk, 
                         that doesn't mean it's intelligent. 
                         I mean, parrots talk and we eat them, 
                         right?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah. Maybe it just learned to talk 
                         as a parlour trick. Like Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Like Fry! Like Fry!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There's one way, and only one way, to 
                         determine if an animal is intelligent. 
                          Dissect its brain!
 
               
               [The Poppler reaches out to Leela.]

               
                                     POPPLER
                         No, mama. Stop grandpa!

               
               [Everyone but Farnsworth, who is sharpening a knife, gasps.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Enough chit-chat. Restrain the specimen!
 
                         
               
               [Fishy Joe's. Diners fill up on Popplers.]

               
                                     MAN
                         Mmm, good.

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Give me some of that special sauce.
 
                         
               
               [A Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats some Popplers and the fat guy 
               from the Titanic reaches inside him and takes a Poppler. The 
               Horrible Gelatinous Blob growls, grabs the man and eats him.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Outside Fishy Joe's. Leela wears a "Free The Popplers!" 
               sign.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Stop eating Popplers! They 
                         can talk!
 
               
               [A man dressed as a Poppler and holding a tray of free samples 
               walks up behind her.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         (shouting) Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers!
 
                         
               
               [A man takes a Poppler and eats it.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, cut it out!

               
                                     MAN
                         (shouting) Take a coupon, cut it out! 
                          Ow! Ow!
 
               
               [He falls over and some dogs eat the Popplers on the floor.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry handcuffs himself to the Fishy Joe's door.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         People, I won't let you enter. Popplers 
                         are as intelligent as you or me.
 
               
               [A smartly-dressed man pushes him aside.]

               
                                     SMARTLY-DRESSED MAN
                         You maybe!

               
               [The door Fry cuffed himself to is a revolving door. The door 
               drags him around and around.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender rings his head like a town crier's bell.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers! 
                         Stop eating them with honey mustard 
                         sauce......stop eating them with tangy 
                         sweet and sour sauce. Stop eating the 
                         new fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking 
                         advantage of the money-saving 12-pack. 
                          Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, 
                         in the car, or on the boat. Wherever 
                         good times are had!  Ow!
 
               
               [The bomb opens a little flag that says "Please Don't Eat Popplers" 
               comes out.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Everyone except Leela sits around the 
               TV to watch Datenight, presented by Linda.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating 
                         them. Is it alright to? We have with 
                         us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" 
                         Joseph Gillman......Noted anti-eating 
                         activist, Free Waterfall Jr......And 
                         the discoverer of Popplers, Captain 
                         Turanga Leela.
 
               
               [Leela appears on the screen.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Turanga?

               
                                     AMY
                         That's her name, Philip.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Philip?

               
                                     LINDA
                          Fishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent 
                         animals?
 
               
                                     GILLMAN
                          Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think 
                         anyone's here to make that claim.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                          I am.

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          Me too.

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          Listen...

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          Shut up...

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          ...we're talking about a snack...
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          ...shut up...

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          ...that's low in fat...

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          ...shut up.

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          ...and high in profit.

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          You're crazy, man. He is crazy.

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          There's not even any strong evidence 
                         that these Popplers are intelligent.
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut 
                         up...
 
               
                                     LEELA
                          That's not true. I have one right here 
                         that can talk.
 
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          ...shut up...

               
                                     LEELA
                          Come on, say "mama".

               
                                     POPPLER
                          Ca-ca!

               
                                     LINDA
                          OK, we'll have to bleep that.

               
                                     LEELA
                          Look, I'm saying eating meat is wrong...
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          Shut up.

               
                                     LEELA
                          I don't think anyone's here to make 
                         that claim.
 
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          I am.

               
                                     LEELA
                          But eating an intelligent animal is 
                         different.
 
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut 
                         up...
 
               
                                     GILLMAN
                          Oh, don't force your tired philosophy 
                         on us. I mean, the only reason we don't 
                         eat people is because it tastes lousy.
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          You're all nuts. Shut up, let me talk.
 
                         
               
                                     LINDA
                          You shut up, please.

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          No, you shut up, please.

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          Popplers are no smarter than any other 
                         animal I've served. And that includes 
                         cats.
 
               
               [Another rectangle forces itself in behind Linda. The Poppler 
               is in it.]
 
               
                                     POPPLER
                          Ca-ca head. Mean, old ca-ca head.
 
                         
               
                                     GILLMAN
                          Sir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouthed 
                         creatures are so smart, why don't they 
                         defend themselves, eh?
 
               
               [He grabs a bucket of Popplers and starts eating.]

               
                                     LEELA
                          Stop it!

               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                          I call murder on that.

               
                                     GILLMAN
                          Look, I'm willing to grant that it's 
                         murder. The real issue is: Who's gonna 
                         stop me?
 
               
               [He laughs. There is a crash and the studio starts shaking.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: New New York City Street. Shadows creep over buildings 
               and nine Omicronian saucers descend from the sky.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          We seem to be experiencing technical 
                         difficulties.  And, crap like I've never 
                         seen!
 
               
               [The screen cuts to static and then to Lrrr, standing behind 
               his old-fashioned microphone.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                          People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet 
                         Omicron Persei 8.  Turn down that TV, 
                         Nd-Nd.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Dear Lord, they're back!

               
                                     AMY
                         We're doomed!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Dooomed!

               
               [Bender takes a breath.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Doooo...!

               
                                     LRRR
                          Now then, the creatures you call "Popplers" 
                         come from a nursery planet in our sector
 
                         
               
               [Nd-Nd grabs the mic.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                          You monsters have been eating our babies!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Datenight Studio. Leela, Waterfall and Gillman watch 
               the Omicronians on a TV.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Eck!

               
               [Gillman spits out half a Poppler and puts the mush on the other 
               half he is holding.]
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                          We demand justice. As you ate our children, 
                         so shall you be eaten by us!
 
               
                                     LRRR
                          We will begin with the firemen, then 
                         the math teachers, and so on in that 
                         fashion until everyone is eaten.  Transmission 
                         over!  Well, that went OK. I tell you, 
                         when you know you can't scratch, that's 
                         when you really have to, huh?  Oh, yeah, 
                         oh, that feels a lot better. What? It's 
                         still on?
 
               
               [He growls and the TV cuts to static.]

               
               [DOOP Headquaters: Secret Conference Room. Outside, a sign has 
               been change from "Democratic Order Of Planets United Against 
               The Omicronian Menace" to "Democratic Order Of Planets Welcomes 
               The Omicronian Menace". In the small room, Zapp Brannigan sits 
               across a table from Lrrr and Nd-Nd. Omicronians and Kif stand 
               behind them.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         As chief negotiator, I speak for all 
                         of Earth when I mourn the regrettable 
                         loss of the Omicronian young. We share 
                         your pain.  Mmm.  If we could undo the 
                         damage... These would be great with 
                         quack-a-mole.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         (shouting) Stop eating our young! And 
                         it's pronounced guacamole!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Alright, I'm putting them away.  Now, 
                         uh, what is it you want?
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         We demand -  We demand to eat one human 
                         for each Omicronian that was eaten.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp cleans his teeth with a toothpick.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Fair enough. How many is that?

               
               [Kif taps him on the shoulder.]

               
                                     KIF
                         198 billion, sir.

               
                                     LRRR
                         Very well. You will provide us with 
                         198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
 
                         
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Lrrr!

               
                                     LRRR
                         Oh, alright, cottage cheese!

               
                                     KIF
                         Sir? (whispering) There aren't that 
                         many human beings.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         A though occurs: There aren't that many 
                         humans.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         We're willing to wait a few weeks while 
                         you shore up the numbers.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. 
                         We'll need an army of super-virile men 
                         scoring 'round the clock! I'll do my 
                         part. Kif, clear my schedule.
 
               
               [Kif takes out an Etch-A-Sketch and shakes it.]

               
               [DOOP Headquarters: Main Room. Hundreds of people sit waiting 
               for the negotiations to end. Fry is slumped in a chair.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I wish they'd just wipe out humanity 
                         and get it over with. It's the waiting 
                         I can't stand.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's stupid.

               
               [The door to the secret conference room opens. Zapp, Kif, Lrrr 
               and Nd-Nd walk out. Everyone cheers and Zapp waves.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         My fellow Earthlings, we have reached 
                         an agreement. Using the twin guns of 
                         grace and tact, I blasted our worthless 
                         enemies with a fair compromise.  They 
                         will not eat everyone on Earth.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         I filled up on nuts at the negotiation.
 
                         
               
               [Nd-Nd shakes her head.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Instead, they will eat only a single 
                         human of their choice.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         We choose to eat the first Earthling 
                         who ate our offspring.  Here is the 
                         culprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam 
                         satellite.  She must be sacrificed, 
                         but the rest of you shall be spared.
 
                         
               
               [Everyone cheers, except Leela, who boos.]

               
               [Madison Cube Garden. The sign outside reads "Slurm Concert Series 
               Present: An Evening With A Human-Eating Monster". Inside, the 
               crowds murmur. There a is a stage in the middle of the room with 
               a table and chairs on it. Linda presents the TV coverage from 
               a commentary box.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                         Tonight, the world watches in horror 
                         as an earthling is eaten alive on network 
                         television. This grim scene of unimaginable 
                         carnage is brought to you - by Fishy 
                         Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! 
                          100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the 
                         walrus!
 
               
               [A spotlight shines onto a door on the stage.]

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Ladies and gentlemen. The Omicronians!
 
                         
               
               [The door opens. Lrrr, Nd-Nd and some other Omicronians walk 
               out, waving. Nd-Nd sits at the table and the other Omicronians 
               sit down behind her. Lrrr stands at a mic.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Greetings, Earth morsels.

               
               [The crowd boos.]

               
                                     MAN
                         (shouting) You suck!

               
                                     LRRR
                         Get a job!

               
               [Backstage, Bender peeps through the curtain and then turns around.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll miss you, Leela.  I know you're 
                         just a carbon-based life form but I'll 
                         always think of you as a big pile of 
                         titanium.
 
               
               [He sobs. Fry puts his arm around him.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What Bender means is, you're really 
                         brave, and smart, and beautiful, and 
                         a great friend.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) Just like titanium!

               
               [He cries into Fry's lap.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         This is all a big load. I was the one 
                         trying to save the Popplers.  You were 
                         sucking them down like the fat hog you 
                         are and you were stepping on them for 
                         fun.  You both should be in here instead 
                         of me.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (whispering to Fry) Someone's acting 
                         awfully aluminum.
 
               
               [Enter Zapp.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. 
                         I have a devious plan!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. 
                         Why don't you tell it to Wingus and 
                         Dingus here?
 
               
               [Zapp turns to Fry and Bender.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Wingus? Dingus? Listen up. We're gonna 
                         give the aliens the old switcheroo!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You mean -

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Correct. I found a giant hideous ape 
                         that looks exactly like Leela.
 
               
               [Kif wheels in a cage holding an orang-utan that is wearing a 
               white tank top, black trousers and boots like Leela's.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It doesn't look anything like me. The 
                         hair is all wrong.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Don't worry. Kif is an expert stylist, 
                         as you can plainly see.  Mmm!
 
               
               [Kif groans and walks into the cage. He puts a sheet around the 
               orang-utan, squirts some shampoo onto its head and starts rubbing 
               it in.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You know, this might actually work. 
                         The Omicronians seem to have trouble 
                         telling one person from another.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         True. At the negotiations, they thought 
                         Kif here was the statesman and I was 
                         a jabbering mental patient. Isn't that 
                         right, Kif?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Please, I'm creating.  Voila!

               
               [The orang-utan grabs a banana, eats it and scratches itself.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bingo!

               
                                     FRY
                         That's Leela!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'm seeing double!

               
               [On the other side of the curtain, Lrrr sits at a table.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         I grow hungry! Bring on the one called 
                         "Leela".
 
               
               [A waiter fills his wine glass.]

               
                                     WAITER
                         That comes with salad or soup.

               
                                     LRRR
                         Uh, salad.

               
                                     WAITER
                         Ranch or vinaigrette?

               
                                     LRRR
                         Vinaigrette!

               
                                     WAITER
                         Balsamic or raspberry?

               
               [Lrrr picks up a laser from under the table and vapourises the 
               waiter. Zapp pulls on the cage with the Leela-ape inside. Nd-Nd 
               takes it out and puts it on the table. The crowd sees and murmurs.]
 
               
               
                                     WOMAN #1
                         (murmuring) What's going on here? It's 
                         very strange.
 
               
               [Zapp whispers into the microphone.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (whispering) People of Earth: Shh!
 
                         
               
                                     WOMAN #1
                         (murmuring) Oh, I get it.

               
                                     WOMAN #2
                         (murmuring) I understand.

               
               [Lrrr looks back and forth between a photo of Leela and the orang-utan. 
               They are both sat in the same pose.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Hmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I 
                         recognise her slumping posture and hairy 
                         knuckles.
 
               
               [Leela is taken aback and looks at her own knuckles. Lrrr puts 
               a lot of salt on the orang-utan.]
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         (sarcastic) Would you like some human 
                         with your salt?
 
               
               [Lrrr picks up the orang-utan and opens his mouth.]

               
                                     LINDA
                         This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's 
                         ploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought 
                         to you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.
 
                         
               
               [Lrrr is about to eat the orang-utan when some idiot shouts from 
               the crowd.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         Wait, stop! It's a trick! That's not 
                         Leela.
 
               
               [The crowd boos and Lrrr puts the orang-utan back on the table. 
               Waterfall Jr. runs onto the stage.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         W-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd.
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         It's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's 
                         most precious creatures.
 
               
               [He hugs the orang-utan and it starts to scratch his hair and 
               eat his fleas. Lrrr puts on a pair of glasses. Zapp grabs Waterfall 
               Jr. by the hair and drags him away.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Why'd you open your bong hole you smelly 
                         hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful 
                         woman to save a moderately-attractive 
                         monkey? You must've smoked some bad 
                         granola.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right. 
                         This is a monkey!
 
               
               [Nd-Nd eats it whole.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         Yes. Definitely.

               
                                     LRRR
                         Where is the real female?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'll never tell.

               
               [He crosses his arms and Lrrr points a laser to his head.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Where is the real female?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'll get her for you.

               
               [He runs off.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Zapp pushes Leela's cage out onto the stage.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I realise this may hurt our chances 
                         of consummating our relationship again.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Go consummate yourself.

               
                                     LRRR
                         Stop talking, you're getting cold.
 
                         
               
               [He reaches into the cage and grabs Leela around the waist.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Please! I just paid off my car!

               
                                     FRY
                         No!

               
                                     BENDER
                         I can't look!

               
               [He takes his eyes out, puts them in his chest cabinet and looks 
               back towards Leela. Lrrr puts Leela in his mouth.]
 
               
                                     POPPLER
                         Stop!  People of Earth. I am Jrrr of 
                         the planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone 
                         lower this thing for me?  Now then, 
                         if Leela gets eaten, I get eaten.
 
                         
               
               [The Omicronians gasp.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         Little one, get out of there. I'm going 
                         to count to blorks!
 
               
                                     JRRR
                         But elder one -

               
               [Nd-Nd starts counting off her fingers.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         Flingle. Glorg. Glorg and a gloob.
 
                         
               
                                     JRRR
                         Hear me out. There are many good reasons 
                         to eat. Hunger, boredom, wanting to 
                         be the world's fattest man. But not 
                         revenge. Are we no better than they? 
                         Besides, Leela's my friend.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         (mumbling) Is this true, Earthling?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (mumbling) Yeah, it is.

               
               [He takes her out of his mouth.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Leela's garbled words have opened my 
                         eyes.
 
               
               [The crowd cheers and Leela spits out and pokes Jrrr, who giggles. 
               Waterfall Jr. holds the mic and strokes his hair.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         OK, that's a start. That's very Earth-friendly. 
                         Now everyone join hands. Join hands, 
                         please. I'd like to lead you all in 
                         some swaying. Come on, pay attention. 
                          I said do it! Yeah...
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Is he your friend too?

               
                                     JRRR
                         No.

               
               [Lrrr eats Waterfall Jr. He pokes his head out of Lrrr's mouth.]
 
               
               
                                     WATERFALL JR.
                         This is not happening.

               
               [Lrrr swallows him and everyone cheers and applauds. Lrrr clutches 
               his stomach.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         I think there was something funny in 
                         that hippie.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thank you, Jrrr.  I hope you'll always 
                         think of me as your mom.
 
               
                                     JRRR
                         When my species grows up, we eat our 
                         moms!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Whoop!

               
               [She tosses Jrrr to Nd-Nd.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         People of Earth - oh, that hippie's 
                         starting to kick in - we've all learned 
                         a valuable lesson today, I realise now 
                         that - dude! My hand are huge!  The 
                         can touch anything but themselves.  
                         Oh, wait.
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Let's go.

               
               [She pulls her cape across her and she and the other Omicronians 
               walk off. A heavily stoned Lrrr stares at his cape and feels 
               it.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Whoa!

               
               [Nd-Nd pushes him off the stage.]

               
               [Outside Madison Cube Garden. Four Omicronian ships head off 
               into space and another follows, weaving around the sky.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                          Whoa, I feel like I'm flying!

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew sit around the table 
               and Bender puts a plate with a cover on the table.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         A toast to Leela. She showed us it's 
                         wrong to eat certain things.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hear, hear!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Let's get drunk!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Here you go.

               
               [He passes a plate over.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Mmm, let me get some of that suckling 
                         pig.
 
               
               [Amy passes it to him. Bender holds up a plate.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Who wants dolphin?

               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Not this one. He blew all his money 
                         on instant lottery tickets.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, OK.

               
                                     AMY
                         That's different.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good, good.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Pass the blowhole.

               
                                     AMY
                         Can I have a fluke?

               
                                     HERMES
                         Hey, quit hogging the bottle-nose.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Toss me the speech centre of the brain!
 
                         
               
               THE END

               

The Problem With Popplers



Writers :   Patric M. Verrone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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