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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 503

                                 "THE ROUTE OF ALL EVIL"

                                           By

                                       Dan Vebber

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Disclaimer. Any Resemblance To Actual 
               Robots Would Be Really Cool.]
 
               
               [7^11 Store. Fry, Bender and Leela peruse the beer fridge.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah beer! So many choices! And it makes 
                         so little difference.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         How 'bout Löbrau? It has dots on it.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Overruled. The choice of champions is 
                         Pabst Blue Robot!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I can't drink that! The metal shavings 
                         make my throat bloody.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (mocking) Waah waah! Baby wants a Zima!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey hey! We can all fight when we're 
                         drunk. Now listen: Why don't we just 
                         brew our own beer?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You can brew your own beer?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sure, the kids at the orphanarium used 
                         to do it all the time.
 
               
               [Bender stares for a while then his head springs off.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, LaBarbara, Farnsworth, Cubert 
               and Hermes' son Dwight are there. Dwight has dreads and wears 
               a shirt made of the Jamaican flag.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Cursed bacteria of Liberia. My own son 
                         suspended from boarding school.
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         It's not my fault Dad.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And you Cubert. I cloned you from one 
                         of my warts and I can send you straight 
                         back in there.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Nuh-uh!

               
               [Enter Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What's going on? Is this angry yelling 
                         or busted hearing aid yelling?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         I'm afraid it's both.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) What?

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         Now hold on, everyone cool your daiquiris! 
                         Let's give the little vermin a chance 
                         to explain themselves.
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         It was self defence Mom. Just look at 
                         the letter the Principal sent.  We were 
                         in science class and we had just finished 
                         building a minature black hole.
 
               
                                     CUBERT [ON TV]
                         That was easy.

               
               [Bret Blob, a horrible gelatinous blob, scoffs.]

               
                                     BRET [ON TV]
                         Pretty scrawny black hole. It must be 
                         hungry.
 
               
                                     CUBERT [ON TV]
                         Duh! Black holes don't need food.

               
                                     BRET [ON TV]
                         Neither do nerds!

               
               [He picks up Cubert and Dwight's lunch boxes and throws them 
               in the black hole. The black hole disappears.]
 
               
               
               [Bret laughs.]

               
                                     CUBERT [ON TV]
                         That's it Bret. You've compressed our 
                         lunches to a singularity for the last 
                         time! Salt him Dwight!
 
               
               [He and Dwight pick up some jars of salt and shake it over Bret. 
               He dissolves into a green puddle.]
 
               
                                     BRET [ON TV]
                         When I resolidify, I'm gonna put you 
                         in a world of goop!
 
               
               [Cubert and Dwight scream.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         See? That bully started it. We couldn't 
                         fight back with brawn so we used our 
                         brains!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I've warned you not to use those things!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry, Bender and Leela are starting 
               their beer.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's see. We've got our malt, our hops...we 
                         just need a big disposable tub to mix 
                         it in.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yo!

               
               [He leans back so his chest cabinet is horizontal. Fry and Leela 
               pour in the ingredients.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Now it needs to boil for a couple hours.
 
                         
               
               [Bender hops onto the gas hob and turns it on. He whistles. Enter 
               Farnsworth, Hermes, Dwight and Cubert. Dwight is playing a computer 
               game.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Dwight, you remember the crew?

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         (unenthusiastically) Eh...

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Crew, you remember Cubert?  Wonderful! 
                         And I'm sure you won't mind being their 
                         legal guardians for a month!
 
               
               [He and Hermes run out.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Well, well.  If it isn't my old friend 
                         stretchpants......no pants and...He 
                         looks at Fry.]...idiot!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         We're making beer! I'm the brewery.
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         I heard alcohol makes you stupid.

               
                                     FRY
                         No I'm...doesn't.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Actually Dwight you're right. Alcohol 
                         is very very bad...for children. But 
                         once you turn 21 it becomes very very 
                         good! So scram!
 
               
               [Dwight and Cubert walk out the room muttering.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Aw man!

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Stupid...

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is fiddling 
               with a machine.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Hey Dad! What useless contraption are 
                         you half-baking today?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Eh wha? Oh! This is my latest invention. 
                         A device that lets anyone sound exactly 
                         like me!
 
               
               [Cubert tries it out.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         (Farnsworth's voice) Good news everyone! 
                         I'm a horse's butt!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I am? That's not good news at all you 
                         little...
 
               
               [He shakes his fist and Cubert screams in Farnsworth's voice 
               and runs away. Dwight looks at the machine.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         What's this device's marketability? 
                         Who's the target consumer?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There is no target consumer! Only targets. 
                         Targets that will tremble as their new 
                         master hands down edicts in my glorious 
                         booming voice!  Now quit pestering me 
                         you scoundrels!
 
               
               [Hermes' Office. He is stamping and singing.]

               
               Hermes; (singing) Stamp it...file it...oh yeah! Send it overnight!
 
               
               
               [Enter Cubert and Dwight. Dwight sees a pile of papers.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Can I collate that?

               
                                     HERMES
                         No!

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Can I shread these contracts?

               
                                     HERMES
                         No!

               
               [Cubert shreads them anyway. Dwight picks something up.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Wow! A powerstamper!

               
               [He turns it on. It stamps objects around the room, including 
               Hermes' head.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Now look at all the work I gotta do! 
                          Ow!
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Dwight and Cubert run out 
               of Hermes' office laughing.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender belches foam. Leela tastes it.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Mmm. The ingredients are cooked. And 
                         they've picked up some of your natural 
                         robot flavourings. Time to add the yeast.
 
                         
               
               [Fry takes Bender's antenna off and Leela puts a funnel in then 
               tips the yeast in.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeast? You mean I'll have a lifeform 
                         growing inside me? (crying) It's so 
                         beautiful.
 
               
               [He blows his nose. Leela wrist thing rings. She presses a button.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Talk to me.

               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight and Cubert are 
               sat with the machine that mimics Farnsworth's voice. It is Cubert 
               who is talking to Leela.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         (Farnsworth's voice) Sorry I can't come 
                         down to say goodbye, but I'm busy inventing 
                         useless junk.
 
               
               [He passes the machine to Dwight.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         (Farnsworth's voice) And I smell bad.
 
                         
               
               [They laugh.]

               
               [Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]

               
               [Time Lapse. A week later the ship lands.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew emerge from the ship. 
               Farnsworth and Hermes stand at the bottom of the steps with Cubert 
               and Dwight. Cubert is playing on Dwight's game. Leela takes it 
               from him, squeezes it and breaks it.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Hey!

               
               [She grabs both of them by their shirts.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         If you were my kids you'd get quite 
                         a talking to...from your father......when 
                         he got home from the senate.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh bother, what have they done now?
 
                         
               
               [Bender rolls his sleeves up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake 
                         delivery.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the 
                         universe ends right after Dogdoo 7!
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Child man, is this true?

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your 
                         dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously 
                         fake mission!
 
               
               [Cubert points at Bender.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Plus, you're making bootleg beer inside 
                         company property!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Lies! Lies and slander!
 
                         
               
               [He belches foam.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? 
                         That's the last straw! You boys have 
                         been underfoot long enough!
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         You jerked the words right outta my 
                         mouth. We're their fathers and its high 
                         time we acted like it.
 
               
               [Bender rubs his hands together with glee.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooo-hoo! Here comes violence!

               
               [Hermes clears his throat.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Get a job you lazy kids!

               
               [Dwight and Cubert gasp in horror. Bender is disappointed.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I guess if you want children beaten......you 
                         have to do it yourself.
 
               
               [Outside Planet Express. Dwight and Cubert have set up something 
               and put a white sheet over it. They lead Farnsworth and Hermes 
               to some chairs.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Come on Dad, shuffle faster!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         You don't wanna miss the unveiling of 
                         our new company do you?
 
               
               [Hermes and Farnsworth sit down.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Company?  (mocking) How cute! What will 
                         you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? 
                         Cootie insurance?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (mocking) Perhaps they've constructed 
                         a teddybear hospital!
 
               
               [They laugh.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Actually, we're starting a competing 
                         delivery company.
 
               
               [He pulls the sheet off to reveal a logo that says Awesome Express. 
               Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Welcome to the world of business!

               
               [He and Farnsworth start kicking the logo.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Who's going to use a delivery service 
                         with a kicked sign? Nobody that's who!
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         But we already have a client signed 
                         up! We're delivering the Daily Supernova.
 
                         
               
               [He holds up the newspaper. On it is a headline: Space Monster 
               To City: Grrrrr!. Beside it is a picture of a Godzilla-like creature. 
               Hermes chuckles.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         So your delivery company is just a cute 
                         harmless paper route?
 
               
               [Farnsworth wipes his brow.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Phew!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         No. Its a serious business.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (mocking) Yes its a tremendous responsibility 
                         alright!  What if a paper were to land 
                         in a puddle?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (mocking) Civilisation as we know it 
                         might get splashed!
 
               
               [He and Farnsworth laugh and ruffle their sons' hair.]

               
               [Planet Express: Balcony. Cubert and Dwight have set up a new 
               sign.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Why do they always treat us like dumb 
                         kids? We're practically old enough to 
                         find the Fox Network infantile!
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Ah we'll show 'em. All Awesome Express 
                         needs is a sturdy interstellar delivery 
                         craft!  Voila! You got a quarter?
 
                         
               
               [Dwight pulls out a coin. Cubert rips out the ad and puts it 
               in an envelope with the quarter and puts the envelope in the 
               mailbox. It flies off down a message tube.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Man, that ad said to allow four to six 
                         seconds for delivery.
 
               
               [Cubert snorts.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         More like seven!

               
               [A mail tube shoots out of the box and knocks Cubert off his 
               feet.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch. His casing 
               is a little bigger than usual and he looks pregnant. Enter Fry 
               and Leela.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm really starting to swell up with 
                         beer. I must look ridiculous.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No, you have a healthy glow.

               
               [Bender belches.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh my God! I just felt it ferment!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ooo! Let me feel.  Have you thought 
                         about what to name it?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I was thinking Benderbrau if it's an 
                         ale, Botweiser if it's a lager.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I hope it's a lager so I can take it 
                         to a ball game.  Ooo! I felt that one!
 
                         
               
               [Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building Dwight and 
               Cubert finish putting together their hovercraft. They are wearing 
               spacesuits.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Uh, there's a crack in the hull here. 
                         That could cause explosive decompression.
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Put a sticker on it.

               
               [He hands Cubert a sticker for Mom's Moron Oil For Dumb Robots. 
               Farnsworth and Hermes walk around the corner.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Off on your first delivery eh? You be 
                         careful my little tinkler.  Remember 
                         we used to call you that huh? Tinkler?
 
                         
               
               [A Daily Supernova van pulls up. Sal throws out a bundle of papers.]
 
               
               
                                     SAL
                         Gets movin'! Those newspapers won'ts 
                         deliver themselveses! Only the Sunday 
                         edition can dos that.
 
               
               [He drives off.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Goodness there must be 50 papers in 
                         that bundle! That's a big number, 50.
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Yeah if you're an idiot!

               
               [He and Dwight climb into the hovercraft. Dwight counts down.]
 
               
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         3. 2. 1.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         All systems go.

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Blast off!

               
               [The hovercraft blasts off. It is pedal powered. Dwight and Cubert 
               pedal and it flies up into the sky.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (shouting) See you at din-din!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) I'm blowing you a kiss.
 
                         
               
               [He blows it. Cubert "sees" it coming towards him and screams.]
 
               
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Take evasive action!

               
               [He and Dwight pedal around to avoid the kiss.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) It's closing in! You can't 
                         avoid it! It's a cheek-seeker. And...gotcha!
 
                         
               
               [Cubert screams and spits.]

               
               [Montage Dwight and Cubert fly their hovercraft through a posh 
               estate called Maple Craters in a sequence lifted from the Paperboy 
               game from the late 1980's. They throw a paper to a woman, then 
               they are chased by a dog (which is then eaten by the space monster 
               from The Empire Strikes Back). Back on Earth Sal delivers more 
               papers to them. At Maple Craters they pass Bret Blob's house. 
               He throws some slime at them and it hits their hovercraft. Cubert 
               hands a paper to Dwight and he throws it through the Blobs' window. 
               Cubert and Dwight laugh. Back on Earth Sal delivers even more 
               papers. Then they are presented an award at the Paperboys Of 
               The Week ceremony. Their photo makes the front page of the Daily 
               Supernova with the headline Paperboys Win Award On Slow News 
               Day. They throw the last paper to the last house and fly back 
               to Earth.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat at the table. 
               Bender is knitting a beer bottle cover.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Business is down. So I filed papers 
                         to have you all reclassified as slaves.
 
                         
               
               [Enter Dwight and Cubert with a wheelbarrow with a big lump in 
               it covered by a sheet.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, well, well. If it isn't our little 
                         muchkin moguls!
 
               
               [He tickles them.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         What's the trouble men? Need some penny 
                         rolls for your profits?
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Actually, thank's to Dwight's brilliant 
                         accounting and my unaccountable brilliance......our 
                         paper route now has over a million customers!
 
                         
               
               [He pulls the sheet off the wheelbarrow, revealing the lump to 
               be a huge pile of money. Hermes and Farnsworth stand gawping 
               at it, dumbstruck.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         We're finally making more money than 
                         you guys! Aren't you impressed now Pops? 
                         Aren'tcha? Aren'tcha?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Uh, in a small way yes. But you still 
                         don't have your own building, your own 
                         conference table or...or one of those 
                         things!
 
               
               [He points at Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hello!

               
               [He waves.]

               
               [Planet Express: Balcony. Dwight and Cubert lean against the 
               wall with their wheelbarrow.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Our Dads are never impressed, no matter 
                         what we do.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Maybe we should start a fire.

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         If we really want to impress them we'll 
                         have to crush them with strategy...Dwight 
                         Lightning!
 
               
               [He pulls out a pad with "Dwight Lightning" written on the front.]
 
               
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Very well. But I get to name the next 
                         strategy.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, Fry and Bender are sat watching 
               a TV programme.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER [ON TV]
                         This week on The Real World: The Sun.
 
                         
               
                                     MAN [ON TV]
                         Argh! I'm burning to death!

               
               [Leela scoffs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You know how much an apartment that 
                         big would cost on the Sun?
 
               
               [Fry turns the TV off. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         People, as you know our young sons have 
                         become great successes in the very same 
                         field as us.
 
               
               
                                     FRY [SIMULTANEOUSLY]
                         That's great!

               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Naturally, we're humiliated.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's why we need you, our loyal crew, 
                         to make Planet Express 800% more profitable.
 
                         
               
               [Hermes sets up a chart.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         We'll start by slashing salaries. And 
                         this time I mean really slash.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh guys, I don't know how to tell you 
                         this. So I'll just let Fry blurt it 
                         out thoughtlessly.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We don't work for you anymore!

               
               [Hermes gasps.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Dwight and Cubert made us a better offer. 
                         We're paperboys now.
 
               
               [Enter Cubert and Dwight.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Incoming! We got papers to stuff team! 
                         Hup two hup two!
 
               
               [The Awesome Express team get up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yes sir!

               
                                     BENDER
                         On our way!

               
                                     LEELA
                         We're on it Mr Farnsworth!

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth and Hermes address 
               the crew.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Folks, the situation is grim but we 
                         shall prevail, thanks to you, our crack 
                         team of loyal dregs!
 
               
               [Scruffy sits with his feet on the table, Amy puts make up on 
               and Zoidberg sits, listening. Hermes looks at Scruffy.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         I don't even know who this guy is!
 
                         
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, of course you are. Now we've got 
                         to buckle down and save Planet Express.
 
                         
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         I'm on break.

               
               [He picks up a bag of Potato Chips and slowly munches them.]
 
               
               
               [Enter the Awesome Express crew.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Sorry to interrupt this "whirlwind of 
                         activity" but we have an announcement.
 
                         
               
               [Dwight walks over to Hermes.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         I direct your attention to these forms, 
                         which I'm presently engaged in handing 
                         to you.
 
               
               [Hermes takes the forms and reads them.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet guineapig of Winnipeg! They've 
                         taken over our company!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Balderdash! I never agreed to that!
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         No. But you did declare yourself dead 
                         three years ago as a tax dodge.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Tax dodge nothing! You take one nap 
                         in a ditch in the park and they start 
                         declaring you this and that.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Either way I technically inherit your 
                         building and your spaceship. Which mean 
                         Planet Express is now......Awesome Express!
 
                         
               
               [Hermes and Farnsworth gasp.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         (angry) You rotten kids! (nicely) Will 
                         you be hiring?
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         No.

               
                                     HERMES
                         (angry) You rotten kids!

               
               [Awesome Express: Hangar. Leela sprays the ship red. Bender and 
               Fry finish loading the papers onto the cargo bay lift.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         There. One million papers. Folded and 
                         loaded!
 
               
               [Cubert jet packs up to Leela with something in his hands.]
 
               
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Hey Leela, help me apply these flame 
                         decals I got in my cereal. They'll make 
                         the ship go faster.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         And what's your scientific basis for 
                         thinking that?
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         I'm 12.

               
               [Cut to: Outside Awesome Express. Hermes and Farnsworth walk 
               across the street, carrying boxes of their stuff. The ship blasts 
               off and they watch. Farnsworth sighs.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Did I ever tell you how I used to own 
                         that ship?
 
               
               [They walk away.]

               
               [Cut to: Street. They walk past a dumpster. Zoidberg pops out 
               of it and watches Farnsworth and Hermes walk by sadly.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         There but for the grace of God.

               
               [He dives back in and gobbles up some scraps.]

               
               [Awesome Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender are sat on the couch 
               watching All My Circuits. Bender sings to his bump to the tune 
               of Hush Little Baby.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Hush little brewsky don't 
                         you leak. Daddy wants to drink for at 
                         least a week.  Oh my God! I think it's 
                         time!
 
               
               [Leela runs in.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hurry Leela, get some coasters and cold 
                         mugs.
 
               
               [Awesome Express: Meeting Room. Bender lies on the table with 
               his head on Leela's lap. Fry puts the beer in bottles. Bender 
               cries in pain.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Push Bender push!

               
                                     LEELA
                         You're doing great!

               
               [Bender cries again.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         It feels like I'm trying to push a water 
                         bed out of me.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Almost there. Just two more bottles.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Is it OK? I can't hear anything.

               
               [The last of the beer drains from Bender. Fry holds a bottle 
               up.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's an ale! 5 gallons, 6 ounces!

               
               [He slaps a Benderbrau label on the bottle then hands the crate 
               of beer to Bender who hugs it.]
 
               
               [Enter Dwight and Cubert.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Hey, what's goin' on? This is a delivery 
                         company not a delivery room!
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         We just busted our bums delivering a 
                         million newspapers and this is how you 
                         greet us? With a bunch of frosty cold 
                         beers?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey wait a second. How did you deliver 
                         a million papers in one hour?
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Uh...we just did OK? 'Cause we're awesome! 
                         Yeah!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Yeah awesome!

               
               [The phone rings. Leela answers.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hello, Awesome Express, the rude, crude 
                         delivery dudes! How may I direct your 
                         call?...What's that?...You haven't gotten 
                         your paper?...In how long?...
 
               
               [Five more phones ring. Dwight and Cubert act nervously.]

               
               [The Conrads' Dining Room. LaBarbara, Hermes and Farnsworth sit 
               at the table eating. Farnsworth holds up his empty plate.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Uh, might a homeless old man have a 
                         touch more beef bourguignon? And another 
                         tequila slammer?  Please?
 
               
                                     LABARBARA
                         Don't you sweet talk me you wrinkly 
                         old tube sack!
 
               
               [Hermes holds up his glass.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Might I have one too wife?

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         Ah you're both pathetic, being jealous 
                         of your own offspring. Now you should 
                         be happy they became successes, instead 
                         of following in your footstamps.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh it's true. But they grow up so fast. 
                         We just wanted a few more years of being 
                         better than them.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         They're so stinking talented they don't 
                         even need their fathers anymore.
 
               
               [He and Hermes hug and cry. Cubert and Dwight run in and run 
               into their father's arms.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Dad! We screwed up!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You did? Tough luck suckers!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Please, help us Pops. We agreed to deliver 
                         way more papers than we can handle.
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         (crying) But we couldn't handle them 
                         so we started dumping the extras in 
                         a crater on the Moon.
 
               
               [He cries more.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         (crying) And now everyone's yelling 
                         at us about our missing papers!
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         (crying) And now we don't know what 
                         to do!
 
               
               [Hermes and Farnsworth laugh very loudly then sigh. They put 
               their sons on their laps.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why did you boys do all this?

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         (crying) We just wanted you to be proud 
                         of us.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Proud of you? You ruined us with sleazy 
                         business practices and a complete disregard 
                         for human decency. But, of course we're 
                         proud of you.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Damn right we are! Now come on. Let's 
                         go do a little Father/Son weaseling 
                         out of this.
 
               
               [The newly repainted Planet Express ship flys away from Earth 
               and hovers over the crater on the Moon.]
 
               
               
               [The cargo bay hatch opens and a net comes out and wraps around 
               the papers. It hoists them out of the craters and the ship flies 
               off. As they approach Maple Craters the port torpedo door opens 
               and a gun pops out.]
 
               
               [Ship's Torpedo Room. Hermes is sat behind the gun with the papers 
               scattered around the room.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         OK boys, let me show you how a paper 
                         man does it.
 
               
               [He grabs the gun and shoots the papers to the houses.]

               
               [Cut to: Maple Craters. Some papers hit the doors, some hit cars 
               and one hits the little prince from the novel of the same name. 
               He tumbles away into the void of space.]
 
               
                                     BOY
                         Au revoir!!

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Can I use the gun Dad?

               
                                     HERMES
                         Aw what kind of father would I be if 
                         I said no?
 
               
               [He lifts Dwight into the chair.]

               
               [Cut to: Maple Craters. Dwight fires the papers to their houses.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Only one house to go. We did it!

               
               [He, Cubert, Hermes and Farnsworth cheer. The screen beeps and 
               displays the Blob house. Inside Bret Blob lifts weights.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Run away! That bully Bret Blob lives 
                         there!
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         He's ugly, mean, stupid, stink, mucus! 
                         And last week...we sort of...broke his 
                         window.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Alright, alright. What do we do when 
                         we break somebody's window?
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         (sheepish) Pay for it?

               
               [Hermes laughs.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Heavens no! We apologise! With nice 
                         cheap words!
 
               
               [Outside Blob House. Hermes rings the doorbell. Bret answers.]
 
               
               
                                     BRET
                         I thought I heard the doorbell but I 
                         see it was the dorkbell!
 
               
               [He laughs. Cubert and Dwight laugh nervously.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Man, we had it coming Bret!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Now now, no need to give us the business. 
                         We'd like a word with you daddy.
 
               
                                     BRET
                         Whatever. (shouting) Daaad!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Don't worry boys. I'm sure his father 
                         is a perfectly normal reasonable man.
 
                         
               
               [Horrible Gelatinous Blob comes out of the door with his tentacles 
               waving.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Mr Blob, our sons have come to apologise 
                         for damaging your window. They've learned 
                         their lesson and they want to make amends.
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         (ashamed) Sorry sir.

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         (ashamed) Yeah, sorry.

               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Now see here. We assured our sons that 
                         you'd accept their apology.
 
               
               
               [He laughs. Farnsoworth and Hermes move their sons aside.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No one gives my son that option!

               
               [He and Hermes roll up their sleeves.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Bring it on Jello-pop!

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Yeah go Dad!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Show 'em who's boss!  Get 'em...Pops!
 
                         
               
               [Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats Hermes and Farnsworth.]

               
               [Taco Bellevue Hospital. Farnsworth and Hermes are in a room 
               in body casts and traction.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         That was incredible! You are the bravest 
                         dads in the entire trauma centre!
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         You guys almost had him...until he digested 
                         you.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Aww, you're good kids.  If I could feel 
                         anything right now, it would be pride. 
                          I was wrong! I can still feel pain!
 
                         
               
               [A knock at the door. Enter the Blobs. Horrible Gelatinous Blob 
               pushes Bret in. Horrible Gelatinous Blob is carrying flowers. 
               Hermes screams.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         He's coming to finish the job. Someone 
                         toss me out the window!
 
               
               
               [Hermes and Farnsworth mull it over.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I suppose.

               
               [Enter Bender with a crate of Benderbrau.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey chumps! I heard you were on the 
                         ass end of an ass kicking so I figured 
                         you could use a couple of these babys!
 
                         
               
               [He hands Farnsworth and Hermes a bottle each.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh why not! Might as well live it up 
                         as long as I 've got this catheter in 
                         me!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Uh, won't join us Mr Blob?

               
               
               [Bender hands him a bottle.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         This is what makes life worth clinging 
                         to. Three fathers, enjoying a day out 
                         with their sons.
 
               
               [Hermes, Farnsworth, Bender and Horrible Gelatinous Blob clink 
               their bottles.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It would seem we've taught our boys 
                         a lesson about life: Man or Blob, it's 
                         whats inside that counts.
 
               
               [They drink their beer. Cubert and Dwight struggle and whimper. 
               Bret has eaten them.]
 
               
               THE END

               

The Route Of All Evil



Writers :   Dan Vebber
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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