The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS




                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 511

                                "THREE HUNDRED BIG BOYS"

                                           By

                                       Eric Kaplan

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Voted "Best."]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew watch a television news 
               program.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER [ON TV]
                         This week in the universe... Dateline 
                         Turantulon 6: The brave warriors of 
                         Earth under the command of General Major 
                         Weeblo Zapp Brannigan have achieved 
                         victory over the spider homeworld.  
                         And to the victor belong the spoils 
                         - one trillion dollars in silken treasure.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp strokes a silk suit.]

               
                                     ZAPP [ON TV]
                         Mmm!

               
               [The scene changes to Nixon outside a building making an announcement.]
 
               
               
                                     NIXON [ON TV]
                         My fellow Earthicans. After meeting 
                         with top voodoo economists, I have decided 
                         to refund our silk surplus to you, the 
                         taxpayers. That's right! I've sent you 
                         each 300 buckeroos in the form of a 
                         tricky dick fun bill. Knock yourselves 
                         out!
 
               
               [The programs ends and the crew cheer.]

               
                                     AMY
                         I'm slightly richer!

               
                                     BENDER
                         What to do what to do? One $300 hookerbot 
                         or 300 $1 hookerbots?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm going to swim with the whale! They're 
                         the gentle giants of the deep.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm well aware of that.

               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them 
                         $300 haircuts. This ones lost it's pizazz!
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A fortune it is! At last, Zoidberg will 
                         live like a rich man!
 
               
               [He kisses the $300. Nixon squirms on it.]

               
                                     NIXON [ON BILL]
                         Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away from 
                         me!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Shmeesh! It's just 300 bucks, what is 
                         that, like a hundred cups of coffee?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups 
                         of coffee! Starting now.  Coffee machine, 
                         one cup of coffee please.
 
               
               [He puts the $300 into the machine and it takes $3 off, leaving 
               him with $297.]
 
               
                                     NIXON [ON BILL]
                         Smells good!

               
               [Fry takes a sip of the coffee. His first. Zapp appears on the 
               screen.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
                         Leela? Are you there?

               
                                     LEELA
                         No.

               
                                     ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
                         Oh yes you are! I'm hereby inviting 
                         you and your oddball co-workers to a 
                         special reception to display the national 
                         silk surplus. I believe you know the 
                         heroic space stallion who captured it. 
                         Show them my medal Kif.
 
               
               [Kif points at a medal on Zapp's chest.]

               
                                     KIF [ON SCREEN]
                         He rented it with his tax refund.

               
                                     ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
                         So Leela, will you have the pleasure.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         What little there is to be had.

               
                                     ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
                         Tomorrow night at eight them. Smoochies!
 
                         
               
               [He kisses the screen.]

               
               [Street. People wander around enjoying their $300. The 99c Store 
               changes it's name to 299.99c Store and a crack addict wanders 
               out of an alley kissing his money.]
 
               
                                     CRACK ADDICT
                         No cheap crack houses for me no more!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Outside Crack Mansion. The crack addict hands a man 
               his $300.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Very good sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's 
                         crack pipe?
 
               
               [Above the crack mansion a peddle-plane flies over.]

               
               [Cut to: Peddle Plane. Amy and Kif are riding it. Kif is struggling.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh Kif, it was so romantic of you to 
                         rent this peddle plane with your tax 
                         rebate. We're like two dandelion seeds 
                         wafting on the breeze.
 
               
                                     KIF (GASPING)
                         Yes...seeds...wafting.

               
                                     AMY
                         I almost feel kinda shallow for blowing 
                         my rebate on this cool talking tattoo!
 
                         
               
                                     TATTOO
                         Hey Gordon Gecko! I cost as much as 
                         this whole crummy date!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Shut up!  Ow!

               
               [Geneworks. Farnsworth talks to a woman at a desk.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         As a man it has become too much of a 
                         chore for me to clean out my wrinkles 
                         each day. Is it true that stem cells 
                         may fight the aging process?
 
               
                                     GENEWORKS WOMAN
                         Well yes, in the same way an infant 
                         may fight Muhammed Ali! But -
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         One pound of stem cells please.

               
               [He slaps his $300 on the desk and the woman gives him a tub 
               of stem cells.]
 
               
                                     GENEWORKS WOMAN
                         Of course any age reversing effects 
                         will be purely temporary.
 
               
               [She gags and turns away as Farnsworth slaps the stem cell cream 
               on his face.]
 
               
               [Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender peruses the fine merchandise 
               within. He looks at some Dutch Butts for $1.99 but is more excited 
               by the Royal Kooparillo for $300. He looks across at a cigar 
               in a glass case, Le Grand Cigar, $10,000.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Say buddy, why's this grand cigar so 
                         pricy?
 
               
                                     CLERK
                         Well, as you can see, it's wrapper is 
                         a piece of the original US constitution. 
                         It was hand rolled by Queen Elizabeth 
                         during her wild years and was buried 
                         with George Burns until graverobbing 
                         space mushrooms - uh, well you know 
                         the rest.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Give me 300 bucks worth!

               
                                     CLERK
                         No can do.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh alright, I'll just take these $300 
                         burglars tools then.
 
               
                                     CLERK
                         Very good sir.

               
                                     BENDER
                         So uh, what time d'you close tonight?
 
                         
               
               [Outside The Conrads' House. Dwight sits on the steps and smiles 
               as Hermes arrives with a box behind his back.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Hey pops! Did that tax rebate come?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Came and went! You're now the proud 
                         owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots!  With 
                         a warning label this big you know they 
                         gotta be fun!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         But pops, I don't wanna have fun, I 
                         wanna be like you. Boring but prudently 
                         invested.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Babylon's bells! I tallyed almost 300 
                         bananas on this entertainment product. 
                         Now you put 'em on and have fun!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT (SHOUTING)
                         I don't wanna.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Well then I'm gonna put 'em on and make 
                         you watch me have fun!  See? Fun! Fun! 
                          Dwight! Help me!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         I'll save you pops!

               
               [He climbs the bamboo and hangs on to Hermes' feet. Hermes starts 
               to lose his balance and he stumbles down the road still wearing 
               the boots. Cars swerves to avoid him and honk their horns.]
 
               
               
               [Outside Geneworks. Farnsworth comes out of the building looking 
               younger. He sees a group of younger people standing around a 
               car listening to loud music.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hey! Turn that damn music......up!
 
                         
               
               [Hermes and Dwight stumble past on the bamboo boots.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Isn't this fun?

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         No! I wish I had two mommies!

               
               [They walks past a jewellery shop called Diamonds Are Forever.]
 
               
               
               [Diamonds Are Forever. Randy hands a cushion with jewellery on 
               it to Zoidberg.]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Try these, um, sir.

               
               [Zoidberg puts the rings on his mouth flaps and looks at himself 
               in the mirror.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I ask for rich guy stuff and you give 
                         me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu!
 
                         
               
               [He shakes the rings off and they hit Randy on the head.]

               
                                     RANDY
                         Ow!

               
               [Zoidberg looks scared, woops and scuttles out.]

               
               [Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. Leela is at a stand next to a 
               whale tank.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu please.
 
                         
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         Well you asked the right guy! I'm the 
                         whale biologist! Though personally I 
                         hate whales. (whispering) Espeically 
                         Mushu.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Then why'd you become a whale biologist?
 
                         
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         I don't know you well enough to get 
                         into that. $300 please.  Noon tomorrow. 
                         If you're late you only get to tread 
                         water in the scallop tank.
 
               
               [Leela takes her pass and leaves.]

               
               [Cut to: Brooklyn Aquarium: Starfishbucks Coffee. Fry waits in 
               line for a cup of coffee.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, I'll have a coffee.

               
                                     MAN
                         Guppy, trout, mermaid or -

               
                                     FRY
                         Whale please.

               
               [The man pours the coffee and Fry drinks it.]

               
               [Peddle Plane. Amy and Kif fly over the Aquarium.]

               
                                     KIF (GASPING)
                         Amy, I-I also spent some of my tax rebate 
                         on a gift for you.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh Kiffie!

               
               [She opens the box. It is a watch with two faces.]

               
                                     KIF
                         It shows the time wherever we both are. 
                         And it's powered by love! Also you have 
                         to wind it.
 
               
                                     TATTOO
                         Ohh! Somebody won big at Skeeball!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         You shut up! I love it Kif. I'll use 
                         it whenever I wanna know what time it 
                         is.  Ooo! It's Fry and Leela! (shouting) 
                         Hi Fry and Leela!
 
               
               [The paddle plane lurches forward and starts falling. Kif screams.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh! Keep peddling! Oh for the love of 
                         God keep peddling!
 
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Leela. Leela screams and Fry gurgles his coffee.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Peddle Plane. They get closer and closer to the ground. 
               The plane turns the right way right at the last minute and swoops 
               over people's heads. They scream. The peddle plane flies over 
               Mushu's tank. Kif wipes his brow and breathes a sigh of relief. 
               Amy leans over backwards again and waves.]
 
               
                                     AMY (SHOUTING)
                         Bye Fry and Leela!

               
               [The peddle plane tilts sideways and the watch starts to slide 
               of the front of it. Kif panics. The watch slips off and he sighs. 
               Mushu leaps up out of the water and eats the watch. The crowd 
               applauds.]
 
               
                                     TATTOO
                         Oh I can't wait until the tattoos on 
                         Amy's butt hear about this!
 
               
                                     BUTT TATTOOS
                         Hear about what? Tell us!

               
               [A horse tattoo neighs.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Kif cries.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Don't feel sad my little tadpole.

               
                                     KIF (CRYING)
                         I'm trying not to. But my gift to you 
                         is in the belly of a whale.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Say, this reminds me of that time I 
                         ate that other watch Kif gave you!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, it is kinda like that!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         To induce vomitting, that was the solution! 
                         Everywhere it went!  What a Valentine's 
                         Day that was!
 
               
               [Leela looks at her Mushu pass.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hmm, this may seem like a huge coincidence 
                         but I happen to have it in with that 
                         whale!
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Scruffy's formulated a plan. But you'll 
                         need a ready source of nausiatin' rotten 
                         fish.
 
               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine. In the restaurant Fry, Leela, Kif and 
               Amy sit around a table with a huge fish in the middle. Enter 
               Elzar.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Freshen your coffee sir?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah yeah yeah keep it comin' put the 
                         pot down get away!
 
               
               [He drinks the coffee. His 31st cup. Leela gets up and goes somewhere. 
               Elsewhere in the restaurant Farnsworth is having dinner with 
               the woman from earlier.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         You're so young in spirit! Its hard 
                         to believe you're as old as 25.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The key is to grab life by the hojos! 
                         Live every day like it might be your 
                         last!
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         What'll it be kids?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         One bowl of mild verena.

               
               [Cut to: Elzar's Kitchen. Enter Leela. She opens the fresh fish 
               freezer door and looks inside.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Pay dirt!  Heyya!

               
               [Cut to: Restaurant. Leela casually strolls out of the kitchen 
               whistling. And sits down. Elzar serves food to Zoidberg.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Here you go big spender: Foie gras and 
                         caviar!
 
               
               [Zoidberg sniffs the food.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Goose liver? Fish eggs?  Pah! Where's 
                         the goose? Where's the fish?
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Hey, that's what rich people eat. The 
                         garbage parts of the food.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't 
                         cost me $300! I'm not paying.  Farewell 
                         good sir!
 
               
               [He leaves with a very upper-class scuttle and woop.]

               
               [Outside Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. On the roof Bender shines 
               a torch onto a grate. He cuts it open and starts to lower himself 
               through it.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender lowers himself 
               from the roof a la Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible and stops 
               just above the case containing the $10,000 cigar. He gets a diamond 
               out of his chest cavity and cuts through the glass with it then 
               throws the diamond in the bin. He reaches in and takes out the 
               cigar.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Le Grand Cigar! She's mine! And with 
                         absolutely no consequences!
 
               
               [He evily cackles and raises himself out of the room. In the 
               corner a security camera watches him. The signal goes along a 
               wire, down a dark tunnel, through the sewers where El Chupanibre 
               terrorises the leg mutant, up a pole and through a dark hole.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Police Station. Smitty watches what's going on on URL's 
               chest.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         You see that?

               
                                     URL
                         Grand theft tobacco. Sounds like we 
                         should get off our fat cop asses and 
                         ride!
 
               
               [The siren comes out of his head.]

               
               [Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The next morning Hermes and Dwight 
               are still walking around on the bamboo boots but now they are 
               asleep. Elzar comes out the back door of the restaurant with 
               a crate of fish.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Pee-yew! This fish is slightly too rotten 
                         to even make jambolaya!
 
               
               [He pours the fish into a dumpster and leaves. The dumpster lid 
               swings open and Leela and Amy climb out with the fish in a net.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY (WHISPERING)
                         So far so good. Where's Kif?

               
               [Behind them Kif groans as he is dragged along inside the net.]
 
               
               
               [Guadalajara Brown Drip Gourment Coffee. Fry is jittery as he 
               has an early morning cup of coffee. He drinks his 51st cup.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY (SHOUTING)
                         This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulowesi!  And 
                         the cup's shaking I don't want my coffee 
                         shaking!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You seem a tad wound up buddy. And your 
                         face is greasy! Real greasy. You been 
                         up all night?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Of course I've been up all night! Not 
                         because of caffine it was insomnia I 
                         couldn't stop thinking about coffee 
                         I need a nap.  Coffee time!
 
               
               [He gulps down his 52nd cup. Bender gets out his cigar and sniffs 
               it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah! Mighty fine smokable!

               
                                     FRY
                         Fancy cigar why don't you smoke it already? 
                         Puff puff go go go go go!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, you can't blow smoke from such 
                         a majestic stogy in just anyone's face. 
                         I'm saving it for the fancy pants at 
                         Zapp Brannigan's black tie reception. 
                         You comin'?
 
               
               [Fry nods jitterily.]

               
               [Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. Leela is kitted out in a swimming 
               costume and flippers. The rotten fish is packed into her costume.]
 
               
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         And the fifth reason whales kill is 
                         for the sheer fun of it.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Anything else?

               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         Yeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful. 
                          Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em! I'm 
                         a whale biologist.
 
               
               [Leela turns to the tank.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK Mushu, its feeding time!  Oh crud, 
                         he ate my suit!
 
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         The suit was ugly - whale biologist!
 
                         
               
               [Golf Club. Zoidberg swings at the ball but repeatedly misses.]
 
               
               
                                     CADDY
                         Perhaps if you tightened your grip sir?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah. Thank you golf slave!  Bah! Rich 
                         pople wouldn't waste their time on this 
                         nonsense! Plus, these eggs are gritty 
                         and tasteless!
 
               
               [He spits out three golf balls and whacks them with the half 
               club.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Picnic Site. Farnsworth and the woman are kissing. One 
               of Zoidberg's balls hits Farnsworth on the head.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ow! Not so rough!

               
               [Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. The show has started and the 
               stands are full of people. Kif, Amy and Bender are already there. 
               Leela arrives wrapped in the Please Do Not Feed The Whale sign 
               and gives the thumbs up. The orphans sit in front of them.]
 
               
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu! 
                         The educated whale who thinks he's better 
                         than you!
 
               
               [The crowd cheers.]

               
                                     AMY
                         C'mon Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman!
 
                         
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         And now ignorant whale lovers, we'll 
                         see who's boss as I make Mushu jump 
                         through this hoop. Jump Mushu!  Who 
                         wants a fish?
 
               
               [Mushu throws up and the crowd gasps.]

               
                                     LITTLE ORPHAN
                         Mushu is sick!

               
               [Smity and URL stand aghast as Bender sneaks out behind them.]
 
               
               
                                     URL
                         It just keep comin' and comin'!

               
                                     KIF
                         Wait, that chunk, its the watch!  I 
                         got it Amy! I got it! The plan went 
                         off without a -
 
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         He's got Aquarium property! Stop him!
 
                         
               
                                     URL
                         Better do what he says. He's a whale 
                         biologist!
 
               
               [He lifts Kif out of the water.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         You're under arrest you squishy punk!
 
                         
               
               [Smitty puts the cuffs on Kif and he drops the watch. He sighs. 
               Mushu sicks up Leela's swimming costume.]
 
               
               [Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Two people walk inside. Two 
               hobos try to follow them but a forcefield stops them and the 
               fall over.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Silk Surplus Reception. Zapp tells his story to Mom 
               and her sons and Mayor Poopenmeyer.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like 
                         on the battlefield, are masters of the 
                         textile arts. Taste like king crab by 
                         the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this 
                         tapestry of my heroic conquest while 
                         I was still killing them!
 
               
               [Zoidberg scratches the tapestry and sniffs it.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What? It's not even scratch and sniff? 
                         But if rich people think it's good, 
                         I'll buy it!  One art please!
 
               
               [Mom laughs.]

               
                                     MOM
                         What a clever impersonation of a stupid 
                         poor person! How much is that placemat 
                         actually worth Brannigan?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Exactly $1 billion!

               
                                     MOM
                         Now that's walkin' around money!

               
               [She blows her nose on her $300.]

               
                                     NIXON [ON BILL]
                         What? Hey! Wait! Arooo!

               
               [Zoidberg looks on sadly. Over on the other side of the room 
               an even jitterier Fry just about manages to pour himself another 
               cup of coffee. He drinks his 99th cup. Bender "enjoys" a conversation 
               with Judge Whitey.]
 
               
                                     WHITEY
                         So I said to Kitty "The only way to 
                         keep the butler from running away is 
                         to cut off his foot!"  Yes, it reminds 
                         me of a joke I heard about upper-middle 
                         class people.
 
               
               [Bender blows smoke in his face and he coughs. Elsewhere Amy 
               and Scruffy talk.]
 
               
                                     AMY (CRYING)
                         I've never been sad at a party before. 
                         I wonder if my mind is thinking about 
                         Kif being in jail.
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria 
                         in the terlet! Course its shank or beshanked.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY (CRYING)
                         Of course.

               
               [Commander Riker Prison. Kif paces around in his cell still covered 
               in the whale sick.]
 
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         Look, just give back the property and 
                         we'll drop the charges.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Fine, have the watch. It's broken anyway.
 
                         
               
               [He throws the watch but a forcefield stops it from going through 
               the bars and it bounces back and hits him on the head.]
 
               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         I don't want your watch. You're covered 
                         in precious ambergris.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Precious ambergris?

               
               [The whale biologist sighs and presses a button on his belt. 
               A holographic image of Roseanne appears.]
 
               
                                     HOLO-ROSEANNE
                         Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product 
                         of the sperm whale's digestive tract 
                         that is used as a base in the finest 
                         perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your 
                         guide to the world of facts.
 
               
               [The holo-encyclopedia shuts off.]

               
                                     WHALE BIOLOGIST
                         You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless 
                         ambergris and I'll let you go!
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Or better yet I'll simply shed my skin!
 
                         
               
               [He struggles as he takes it off.]

               
               [Silk Surplus Reception. Morbo's wife fiddles with his bow tie.]
 
               
               
                                     MORBO
                         Stop it! Stop it! It's fine! I will 
                         destroy you!
 
               
               [Bender walks past and blows smoke in their faces. They cough. 
               Underneath a giant spider dress Farnsworth and his girlfriend 
               make out. A bell tolls.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wha?  Uh, gotta go, uh fight club!
 
                         
               
               [He runs out from underneath the dress and covers his face. His 
               girlfriend follows.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         What's happening Hubie?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm afraid the face you fell in love 
                         with was actually just a blob of living 
                         gunk I bought with my tax refund.
 
                         
               
               [The stem cells slide away.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Well as long as we're being honest, 
                         I also spent my tax refund on a crazy 
                         treatment.
 
               
               [She pulls a plug out of her belly button and she swells up. 
               She is really a huge fat woman.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That certainly is honest.

               
                                     WOMAN
                         It better for us both to just be ourselves. 
                         You, wrinkled as a prune.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You, fat as the Queen of Seacows.

               
                                     WOMAN
                         I love you!

               
               [They kiss and she falls on him.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh my!

               
               [On the other side of the room Leela is now talking to Whitey 
               and Kif is reunited with Amy.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         So you see the putrid waxy substance 
                         I was coated with was -
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Not precious ambergris?

               
                                     KIF
                         Yes! And I managed to sneak some out 
                         in a usual place! Ta-da!  Using that, 
                         I'll make you a perfume of lilac and 
                         jasmine and frankenberry!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh Kif, it's so romantic I can't even 
                         wait! I'm gonna wear it right now!
 
                         
               
               [She puts some on. Her tattoo splutters. Everyone else chokes 
               at he stench.]
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Who smells like freaking porpus hork?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         I do! Kiss me Kif!

               
               [They kiss. Zoidberg slinks out sadly.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Zoidberg walks out through 
               the fire exit and sits on a dustbin.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG (CRYING)
                         Oh what a foolish squid I've been. I'm 
                         not rich! I can't even buy one measley 
                         masterpiece!
 
               
               [He cries. The hobos approach him.]

               
                                     HOBO #1
                         Pardon us gent. Might a couple of hungry 
                         hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminium 
                         snack box?
 
               
               [Zoidberg gets off the bin and the hobos rummage through it.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So now I'm in the gutter? Surrounded 
                         by bums who eat garbage. Money brought 
                         me no happiness. Bupkiss!
 
               
                                     HOBO #2
                         Ooo this boot's got a little pudding 
                         at the bottom!
 
               
               [He licks it off.]

               
               [Silk Surplus Reception. Bender and Leela talk to Ben Beeler.]
 
               
               
                                     BEELER
                         Interestingly, the Spiderians are more 
                         closely related to our elephants than 
                         our spiders.
 
               
               [Bender blows smoke inhis face and he coughs. Bender chuckles 
               then gasps as Hermes and Dwight enter via the window, still walking 
               around on the bamboo boots.]
 
               
                                     HERMES (SHOUTING)
                         Don't mind us!

               
               [The start to go off balance and one of the bamboo legs knocks 
               Bender's cigar out of his hand. It spins through the air and 
               sets fire to the tapestry. Other things catch on fire too.]
 
               
               
                                     NIXON
                         The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela! My precious rock tub! I'll save 
                         you!
 
               
               [He runs towards her but gets caught in a Spiderian web.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Everyone! To the fire door!

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's on fire!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We're trapped my sweet hippopotamus!
 
                         
               
               [Amid the chaos Fry still finds time for a drink.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee 
                         coffee coffee coffee coffee!
 
               
               [He drinks the rest of the jug and his heartbeat rapidly increases. 
               It's his hundredth cup. He enters a slowed down bullet-time world 
                la The Matrix. He gazes around the room. A champagne cork slowly 
               shoots out the top of a bottle. Outside, a hummingbird's wings 
               beat slowly  la the hummingbird in Star Trek: Insurrection. 
               Fry blows out the fire that has engulfed Leela's shoe, picks 
               her up and carries her away. Hermes and Dwight are in mid-fall. 
               Fry picks them up, throws them over his shoulder and carries 
               them out. He carries a few more people out. Kif is slowly blowing 
               out the fire on Bender's burning arm. Fry squeezes his cheeks 
               and the flames go away. He puts Bender, Kif and Amy onto the 
               sofa with everyone else and wheels it out into the alley through 
               the fire door. He picks up a fire extinguisher and quickly puts 
               out the flames.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Everyone looks around, 
               wondering where they are.]
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Where are we pops?

               
                                     WOMAN
                         What happened to the food?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I think we were saved by a mysterious 
                         orange blur.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Welcome one and all. I finally figured 
                         out how money could make me happy! By 
                         using it to buy my hungry friends a 
                         feast!
 
               
               [Behind him the hobos cheer.]

               
                                     HOBO #2
                         Everyone join us. Oysters rockafeller 
                         here has provided genuine turkey dogs!
 
                         
               
                                     WHITEY
                         Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy 
                         a free turkey dog!
 
               
               [The rich people cheer.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         I'll take four!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Me too!

               
                                     MOM
                         Oh what the hell!

               
               [Everyone sits down and eats. Zoidberg puts a pack of Gobble 
               Wieners on a barbecue.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Here Dwight, $299 and 99 cents. You 
                         invest this penny like you want it.
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Thanks Dad. I'm gonna take this and 
                         buy five shares of amazon.com!
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         A risk taker? That's my boy!

               
               [Poopenmeyer walks out of the building carrying Nixon's head.]
 
               
               
                                     NIXON
                         The entire surplus has gone! What a 
                         muguvern I've been! Why did I have to 
                         issue that crooked tax rebate?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         At least we got a few mildly interesting 
                         stories out of it.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh my yes!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Speaking of which, my story kinda peetered 
                         out without me learning a lesson!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs. Enter Smitty and URL.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         There he is!

               
               [Bender panics. They grab him and bash him with their lightsabers.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         All right! Closure!

               
               THE END

               
               

Three Hundred Big Boys



Writers :   Eric Kaplan
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy