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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 302

                                   "WAR IS THE H WORD"

                                           By

                                      Eric Horsted

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Touch Eyes To Screen For Cheap Laser 
               Surgery.]
 
               
               [7^11. Bender looks in the beer fridges while Fry looks at the 
               gum and candy rack.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hm, Spider, Hubble, Nitrogum...ooh, 
                         Big Pink! It's the only gum with the 
                         breath-freshening power of ham.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And it pinkens your teeth while you 
                         chew.
 
               
               [The till clerk is dressed in a perspex box and is serving a 
               sergeant at the till.]
 
               
                                     CLERK
                         Alright, sergeant, $100 worth of pixie 
                         stix and porno mags with your 5% military 
                         discount comes to $95.  That'll be 40 
                         cents.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I believe you're forgetting about our 
                         5% military discount.
 
               
                                     CLERK
                         Well that's only for people in the military.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         What?! This is the worst kind of discrimination. 
                         The kind against me!
 
               
                                     CLERK
                         Alright, look. Our policy is, if for 
                         any reason you're not completely satisfied, 
                         I hate you.
 
               
               [He presses a button and a conveyor belt takes Fry and Bender 
               through the doors onto the street.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside 7^11. Bender's head falls off and rolls into 
               the gutter.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, now I'm mad.

               
               [He screws it back on.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, 
                         Monsignor.
 
               
               [Earth Army Recruiting Center. Over the decades, army recruitment 
               poster have changed. The one hanging outside the building has 
               the caption "Join The Army. What Are You, Chicken? Buk Buk Buk". 
               Inside, there is a line of people waiting to sign up. Hanging 
               on the wall is a banner showing the Earth Army's employee of 
               the month - in a coffin witht he Earth flag draped over it.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hello. We're here because we...uh...love 
                         our planet!
 
               
               [He and Fry chuckle. The man pushes their papers towards them.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN
                         Sign here on the dotted line, patriots. 
                         Then I'll give you your discount cards.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Just out of curiosity, we could use 
                         the cards to buy gum, then immediately 
                         quit the army, right?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You know, playing you all for chumps?
 
                         
               
                                     MAN
                         Correct. There's no obligation.  Unless, 
                         of course, war were declared.
 
               
               [A siren sounds and a red light flashes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What's that?

               
                                     MAN
                         War were declared.

               
               [South Street Spaceport. Kif and Zapp check off the new recruits 
               as they board the Nimbus. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Farnsworth follow 
               Bender and Fry as they carry their bags towards the ship.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill 
                         anyone, make sure to eat their heart, 
                         to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty 
                         courage.
 
               
               [He licks his lips.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         I don't want you to worry about your 
                         jobs while you're away. That's why I'm 
                         firing you now.
 
               
               [He hands them their pink slips then turns away and starts to 
               cry.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I wanna enlist. My friends always die 
                         if I'm not there to save them.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only 
                         policy.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What?!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         It's shameful, I agree. In the olden 
                         days, I proudly fought alongside female 
                         troops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas, 
                         after a series of deadly blunders caused 
                         by distracting low-cut fatigues and 
                         lots of harmless pinching, the army 
                         decided women weren't fit for service. 
                         Not when I'm in charge.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach 
                         you a lesson.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         If it's a lesson in love, watch out. 
                         I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. 
                         What do I call it, Kif?
 
               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Sex-lexia.

               
               [Time Lapse. The last soldiers board the ship, the boarding gangways 
               are removed and the ship takes off.]
 
               
               [Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp stands on a platform before the troops. 
               The Earth flag hangs behind him.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all 
                         be fighting for your planet. Many of 
                         you will be dying for your planet. A 
                         few of you will be forced through a 
                         fine mesh screen for your planet. They 
                         will be the luckiest of all.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Great, we're gonna die.

               
                                     FRY
                         And this ham gum is all bone.

               
               [He spits it out.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Now to present the logistics of our 
                         mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please 
                         welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth 
                         President Richard M. Nixon.
 
               
               [Kif sits Nixon's head in a jar on a stool.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         This is the brass ring, fellas......planet 
                         Spheron 1!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cool effect!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         It's a desolate, ugly little planet 
                         with absolutely no natural resources 
                         or strategic value. Questions?
 
               
                                     SOLDIER #1
                         Why is this godforsaken planet worth 
                         dying for?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Don't ask me, you're the one who's going 
                         to be dying.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         A valid question.  We know nothing about 
                         their language, their history or what 
                         they look like. But we can assume this: 
                         They stand for everything we don't stand 
                         for. Also, they told me you guys look 
                         like dorks.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         They look like dorks!

               
               [He starts waving his fists around and Fry has to hold him back.]
 
               
               
               [Nimbus Training Room. Zapp, Kif and Nixon watch the soldiers 
               training on gym equipment.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The soldiers drop a little water onto some green 
               blobs and they inflate into tents. Fry swallows his and downs 
               a glass of water. The tent inflates in his mouth and he mumbles.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         What's the matter, private? Tent got 
                         your tongue? (chuckling) Tent got your... 
                         (talking) Kif, write that down and send 
                         it to Humour In Uniform.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The soldiers learn to assemble their guns. Bender 
               quickly does his but attaches his arm to it as well. He sighs.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry puts on a helmet that obscures his vision and 
               holds a lightsaber. Kif releases a probe and it buzzes around 
               Fry. Fry swings for it, misses a few times and chops it in half. 
               Sweets fall out of it and the other soldiers scoop them up off 
               the floor and eat them. Fry looks around in confusion.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. An exhausted Fry and Bender sit out the obstacle 
               course. The soldiers run past them, through the tyres, through 
               the tunnels, under the barbed wire and through the ring of fire. 
               Another soldier breaks away from the group and runs past Fry 
               and Bender.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Whoa! Check out that guy. He makes Speedy 
                         Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.
 
                         
               
               [The soldier passes the finish line and Kif stops the stopwatch.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Yes. He edged out my old mark by two 
                         seconds......and 16 minutes...and 12 
                         hours. I do plan to finish someday, 
                         Kif. Good hustle, soldier.
 
               
               [He pats the soldier's bum and he turns around and slaps Zapp. 
               The soldier has purple hair, a purple beard and wears a visor 
               across his eyes. Shock, horror, it's actually Leela. Not that 
               Zapp notices.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Uh, sorry, 
                         sir. I was still in attack mode. You 
                         know how testosterone is.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones, 
                         I sure do. What's your name, private?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Lee --  ..la...man. 
                         La Man...Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.
 
               
               [She salutes.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a 
                         man's man's man. More importantly, your 
                         hand, while firm and masculine, is soft 
                         as a velvet child. What lotion do you 
                         use?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Pert and Popular, 
                         sir.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of 
                         Pert and Popular.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Squirt it on some homeless man with 
                         dry elbows.  Private Lee Lemon may well 
                         be the finest recruit I've seen in all 
                         my years of service. That young man 
                         fills me with hope and some other emotions 
                         that are weird and deeply confusing 
                         to me.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Ew.

               
               [Nimbus Mess Hall. Zapp watches the soldier through some binoculars. 
               He looks at Leela, sitting at a table alone and zooms in.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (sexfully) Hello!

               
               [Nixon is sat with Zapp at the table. Kif pours some wine into 
               Zapp's glass and then pours some into Nixon's jar. He slurps 
               it.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Mmm. Now that's a nice rosť. So, anyway, 
                         we open up the panda crate, wouldn't 
                         you know it, the damn thing's dead! 
                         Up-chucked it's bamboo. True story.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp isn't paying attention and is still looking through the 
               binoculars.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you 
                         were talking about for you.
 
               
               [Fry, Bender, soldier #1 and a hick carry their trays to Leela's 
               table.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Mind if we sit with you?

               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Uh, hey, why 
                         the hell would I? We're all guys here. 
                         Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.
 
               
               [They sit down.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Good point...I guess.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You're my kind of soldier, Lemon. A 
                         foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied 
                         pile of ugly muscle.
 
               
                                     HICK
                         So. Any you fellas got a special lady 
                         back home?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I sort of a have a thing for this 
                         girl I work with.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Really? (disguised, deeper voice) What 
                         type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, 
                         or cyclops?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cyclops.

               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Aw, she sounds 
                         sweet.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         But sweet girls aren't for you, eh? 
                         You hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly, 
                         ugly son of a --
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Stop! Stop 
                         flattering me!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (shouting) Ten hut!  Well, well, well. 
                         If it isn't Lee Lemon. The flaming star 
                         of Brannigan's Rough Rangers. Say, uh, 
                         Lemon, do you like to read? I just got 
                         a great book on tape. It's about life 
                         in ancient Greece and --
 
               
               [The alarm sounds and everyone runs off.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Sir, the alarm. 
                         I think I'd better --
 
               
               [Zapp puts his finger to her mouth.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Shh. Don't talk. Just go.

               
               [The Nimbus goes into orbit around Spheron 1.]

               
               [Nimbus Briefing Room. The soldiers are in full battle uniform 
               and holding their guns.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         We are now in position above Spheron 
                         1. This is the moment we were training 
                         for all yesterday afternoon.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         And now for the battle plan. As you 
                         all know, the key to victory is the 
                         element of surprise. Surprise!
 
               
               [He presses a big red button and the floor beneath the soldier 
               opens up.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Spheron One Surface. The Nimbus is a few metres off 
               the ground. The soldiers land in a heap on the ground. The floor 
               closes up again.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The soldiers stand alone on the vast planet surface. 
               The ground is quite rocky and the sky is green.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's creepy here.

               
                                     SOLDIER #1
                         This is the worst part. The calm before 
                         the battle.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         And then the battle's not so bad?

               
                                     SOLDIER #1
                         Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.
 
                         
               
               [He whimpers. The ground begins to shake and there is a loud 
               banging sound.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What's happening?

               
                                     HICK
                         Holy shoot! Looky!

               
               [Thousands of pink balls bounce towards them.]

               
                                     FRY
                         The enemy! They're balls!

               
               [The balls knock several troops over. Other soldiers blast them 
               with their guns and they deflate like burst balloons. Fry's gun 
               splurts out red bursts that go nowhere.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Charge your gun, Fry.

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, right.

               
               [He winds a handle on the side of his gun and it plays Pop Goes 
               The Weasel as it charges. A red pulse blasts out of the gun and 
               a horse neighs. Zapp is sat on the horse which is standing on 
               a hovering platform. Zapp is carrying a sword.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Watch where you're shooting, private. 
                         You spooked Felicity.  There, there, 
                         boy.
 
               
               [More balls knock over more soldiers. Eight of them gang up on 
               soldier #1 and he groans in pain. Leela kicks them away and soldier 
               #1 quivers on the ground. He holds up a watch to Bender.]
 
               
                                     SOLDIER #1
                         (hoarse) Give this to my son.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You got it!

               
                                     SOLDIER #1
                         (hoarse) Wait. I didn't tell you where 
                         he lives.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, I think your son might also like 
                         those boots.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The battle rages on. The soldiers charge their guns 
               and Pop Goes The Weasel plays over and over.]
 
               
                                     HICK
                         Cover us, buddy. You've got the only 
                         wounded-up positron shooter.  Fry, you 
                         emu-bellied coward!
 
               
               [The balls knock over him, Bender and Leela. Four balls line 
               up behind a bomb. Another ball pushes the first four balls and, 
               like a Newton's Cradle, the bomb is pushed away. It rolls past 
               Fry and stops between Leela, Bender and the hick. They scream 
               and the fuse burns away. Bender crawls towards it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Bender! No!

               
               [Bender opens his chest cabinet.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         If they put me on a stamp, tell them 
                         to use the young Bender.
 
               
               [He covers the bomb, it explodes and his chassis expands.]

               
               [DOOP Camp. The M*A*S*H theme tune plays. A helicopter lands 
               on a helipad.]
 
               
                                     P.A. ANNOUNCER
                         (on tannoy) Incoming wounded. All operating 
                         personnel report to tent four, repeat, 
                         four. I mean five! Repeat, four.
 
               
               [Two medics carry soldier #1 from the helicopter on a stretcher.]
 
               
               
               [Tent Four. Fry watches through the window. A jellyfish woman, 
               from the race from A Flight To Remember and The Lesser Of Two 
               Evils is a nurse.]
 
               
                                     NURSE
                         Are you ready to operate, doctor?

               
               [The doctor washes his claws. Claws? It's Zoidberg!]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'd love to, but first I have to perform 
                         surgery.  I kid, I kid!
 
               
               [The nurse puts some gloves on his claws and they break.]

               
               [Time Lapse. A human doctor operates on a mule, a robot doctor 
               operates on soldier #1 while Zoidberg operates on the hick.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Scalpel.  Blood bucket.  Priest. Next 
                         patient.
 
               
               [The robot doctor, iHawk, has a martini permanently attached 
               to his left hand.]
 
               
                                     IHAWK
                         Gee, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy 
                         to kill.
 
               
                                     NURSE
                         Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice 
                         the training you do.
 
               
                                     IHAWK
                         Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         See, this is how it starts. First with 
                         he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
 
                         
               
               [iHawk laughs then turns a switch on his body from "irreverent" 
               to "maudlin".]
 
               
                                     IHAWK
                         When will the killing end?

               
               [Cut to: Outside Tent 4. Fry is still outside. Zapp arrives, 
               still on his horse. Kif is standing beside the horse.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Look at this sissy, Kif. While others 
                         were fighting and dying pointlessly, 
                         he was hiding in a hole, wallowing in 
                         a pool of his own cowardice.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That wasn't cowardice.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'm depromoting you, soldier. Kif, what's 
                         the most humiliating job there is?
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Being your assistant.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Wrong! Being your assistant! Private 
                         Fry, you will henceforth serve as Kif's 
                         assistant.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That doesn't sound too bad.

               
                                     KIF
                         (uncharacteristically nasty) You speak 
                         when I tell you to, you filthy worm!
 
                         
               
               [Tent Four.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm afraid he's gone.

               
               [He pulls the sheet over the hick.]

               
                                     HICK
                         Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.
 
                         
               
                                     IHAWK
                         Believe it all you want, that won't 
                         make it true.  (mauldlin) This isn't 
                         a war, it's a murder.  (irreverent) 
                         This isn't a war, it's a moider!
 
               
               [The nurse wheels Bender in. His chassis is still mis-shapen 
               from the explosion.]
 
               
                                     HICK
                         Bender, old buddy. Hang in there.

               
               [The nurse hooks Bender up to a beer drip and he groans. Zapp 
               walks in with Nixon's head.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen 
                         since my mirror got grease on it. I 
                         hereby order that in Bender's honour, 
                         he be melted down and made into a statue 
                         of himself.
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Slow down there, Starsky, I'm up to 
                         something here. I want this robot fixed. 
                         Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. 
                         Damn bean-eating war hero!
 
               
                                     NURSE
                         Are you read to operate, doctor?

               
                                     IHAWK
                         I'd love to, but first I have to perform 
                         surgery.
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That's my joke! I'll kill you!

               
               [He jumps at iHawk and clacks his claws.]

               
               [Officers' Club. Zapp sits with Nixon and drinks a scotch as 
               the battle continues outside.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Ah! Pre-war scotch!  Welcome, Lieutenant 
                         Bender. You're looking sharp.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I got wheels! With clickety-clack-ers.
 
                         
               
               [Kif brings Zapp another scotch.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Damnit, Kif, where's the little umbrella? 
                         That's what makes it a scotch-on-the-rocks!
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Actually, sir --

               
               [He groans as Zapp plants the glass firmly in the middle of his 
               forehead.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Make me a new one.

               
               [Kif signs and walks back to the bar where Fry is cleaning glasses 
               with a cloth.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Use a brush, you dunderhead! And mix 
                         these mixed nuts. I see two almonds 
                         touching!
 
               
               [Back at Zapp's table...]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Now, listen here, Bender. This war is 
                         in danger of going all quagmire on me. 
                         So I'm sending you on one last mission.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hot diggidy daffodil!

               
                                     NIXON
                         A mission of peace.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (disappointed) Oh!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         You'll be negotiating with the aliens' 
                         mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls. 
                         They've got a lot of brains and they've 
                         got a lot of cutzpa!
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Accompanying you will be our top peace 
                         negotiator, Henry Kissenger.
 
               
               [Kif wheels in Kissenger's head in a jar.]

               
                                     KISSENGER
                         How are you?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Is he any good?

               
                                     NIXON
                         Looking like that, he talked his way 
                         into Jill St. John's bed. Nuff said!
 
                         
               
               [Helicopter. Bender and Nixon's helicopter lifts off and flies 
               away.]
 
               
               [Shower Block.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         (singing) I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning. 
                         Like a whirlpool it never ends.
 
               
               [Kif scrubs Zapp's back with a brush.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot 
                         lower. Too low...! Lower!
 
               
               [Kif sighs. Fry sings and scrubs Kif's back.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh.
 
                         
               
               [He hums. Leela walks in wearing a bathrobe and her Lee Lemon 
               hat and visor and gasps. She turns to go.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Private Lemon, no need to leave.  My 
                         stall just became free.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Maybe you 
                         should put on a towel, sir.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Right. Right!  I'm about to try the 
                         new lotion you recommended. (sexfully) 
                         If I should accidentally put too much 
                         on my hands, perhaps I could rub it 
                         onto you.
 
               
               [Leela gags. Kif carries Nixon's jar.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Brannigan!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Hm?

               
                                     NIXON
                         My God, cover yourself. I didn't live 
                         a thousand years and travel a quadrillion 
                         miles to look at another man's gizmo.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh, sorry, Mr. President, I didn't realise. 
                         Kif, raise him up about nipple-high.
 
                         
               
               [Behind them, Leela showers with her back turned.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Come on, Brannigan. Stuff yourself into 
                         a uniform. We've gotta get off this 
                         planet before the bomb goes off.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Bomb?! What 
                         bomb?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         The one we had the doctors implant in 
                         that gullible Bender robot.
 
               
               [Fry gasps. Zapp's horse kicks the shower stalls and Leela runs 
               out and wraps a towel around herself. Zapp looks her up and down 
               and purrs.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Zapp. Zapp!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Hm?

               
                                     NIXON
                         Inspect the troops later. It's time 
                         to activate the bomb.
 
               
               [Zapp takes a remote control out of his uniform pocket and presses 
               a button.]
 
               
               [Brain Ball Headquarters. Bender and Kissenger are sat around 
               a table with three Balls.]
 
               
                                     KISSENGER
                         Now, as for economic cooperation --
 
                         
               
               [The bomb inside Bender beeps and his antenna flashes.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa! Scuse me.

               
               [He bangs his chest and the bomb starts to tick.]

               
               [DOOP Camp.]

               
                                     P.A. ANNOUNCER
                         (on tannoy) Attention: All personnel 
                         evacuate the planet immediately. And 
                         not just because it's meat loaf night.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp is sat on his horse and Kif is sat on his mule, holding 
               Nixon's jar.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Come along, Lemon before this whole 
                         dump blows up.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Uh, commander? 
                         Could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Of course, my significant soldier. The 
                         bomb is voice activated. It will detonate 
                         the instant the robot unwittingly speaks 
                         a certain word.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What's the word...uh...sir?

               
               [He salutes.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         It's the one word the robot uses more 
                         than any other. We got it from this 
                         convenient database of his 10 most frequently-used 
                         words.  Number 10, chump; number nine, 
                         chumpette; number eight, yours; number 
                         seven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number 
                         five, bite; number four, my......number 
                         three, shiny; number two, daffodil. 
                         And Bender's number one most frequently 
                         uttered word, the word which, if uttered, 
                         will blow up this entire planet: Ass.
 
                         
               
               [Fry gasps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         We don't have long!

               
               [Brain Ball Headquarters.]

               
                                     BRAIN BALL #1
                         We demand bouncing, followed by rolling, 
                         followed by rolling of the third type.
 
                         
               
                                     KISSENGER
                         Say what?

               
                                     BENDER
                         My chair's too hard. It's a real pain 
                         in the...uh, whattya call it? Lower 
                         back! Yeah, that whole region.
 
               
               [DOOP Camp. Soldiers board helicopters and they take-off towards 
               the Nimbus. Fry crouches behind some barrels until most of the 
               helicopters are gone.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, I gotta break down that gate, beat 
                         up those three guards, steal that chopper 
                         and rescue Bender.  Hey, I did it! Wait, 
                         that's not me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Come on. We gotta save Bender.
 
                         
               
               [She climbs onto the helicopter.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely 
                         know him.
 
               
               [Leela pulls him onto the helicopter.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, don't you recognise me?

               
                                     FRY
                          Hermes?

               
               [Zapp arrives.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Lee? When will I see you again?  The 
                         two of you are good friends? But I thought 
                         we would be good friends. (contemptuous) 
                         Well, let's see how friendly you get 
                         when you're sharing a prison cell!
 
                         
               
               [He holds up some handcuffs. Leela punches him in the stomach, 
               smacks him about the face and kicks him to the ground.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, Zapp!

               
               [Zapp groans. Leela pulls of her helmet and fake beard.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela!

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         So it's you I've been attracted to! 
                         Oh, God, I've never been so happy to 
                         be beaten up by a woman.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's do it again sometime.

               
               [She closes the door and takes off.]

               
               [Brain Ball Headquarters.]

               
                                     BRAIN BALL #2
                         The elders tell of a young ball much 
                         like you. He bounced three metres in 
                         the air. Then he bounced 1.8 metres 
                         in the air. Then he bounced four metres 
                         in the air. Do I make myself clear?
 
                         
               
                                     KISSENGER
                         Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the 
                         same story. Oy.
 
               
               [Bender paces around shaking his fists.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         These balls are making me testy. If 
                         they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, 
                         I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty 
                         up their -- Wait a second. Where do 
                         you shove things up a ball?
 
               
                                     KISSENGER
                         This isn't a productive area of discussion.
 
                         
               
               [Helicopter. The helicopter closes in on the Brain Ball HQ, and 
               hundreds of balls bounce underneath.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're here. I followed the bouncing 
                         balls.  I'll keep the chopper at a safe 
                         altitude while you parachute down.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, my best friend's life is at stake. 
                         I can finally prove that I'm not a coward. 
                          Will you push me?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) I already did!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. Fry falls.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Thank you!  At last, war 
                         has made me into a man.
 
               
               [He cheers as he bounces towards the building.]

               
               [Cut to: Brain Ball Headquarters.]

               
                                     KISSENGER
                         Please, gentlemen. We must put an end 
                         to the bloodshed. We have all seen too 
                         many body bags and ball sacks.
 
               
                                     BRAIN BALL #1
                         We cannot condone bouncing of the seventh 
                         variety.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Enough of this crap! I'm catching the 
                         next pimpmobile outta here! But before 
                         I go I have one thing to say.  Bite 
                         my shiny metal --
 
               
               [Enter Fry on his ball.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Stop! You can't say the next word.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Up yours, chump, I said it 906 times 
                         before lunch.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, if you say the A-word and you'll 
                         blow this planet straight to the H-word!
 
                         
               
               [He opens Bender's chest door, revealing the armed bomb. They 
               gasp.]
 
               
                                     KISSENGER
                         Young man, you have the bravery of a 
                         hero and breath as fresh as a summer 
                         ham.  What? What is funny?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bender's got the upper hand now.  The 
                         name of the game is "Make Bender Happy 
                         Or He Blows Up The Planet".  I'd rather 
                         die and take everybody with me than 
                         sit here one more minute listening to 
                         these idiots talk about bouncing!
 
                         
               
                                     BRAIN BALL #1
                         Please, stay calm. There's no need to 
                         bounce of the handle.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's it, I'm saying it! A is for --
 
                         
               
                                     BRAIN BALL #1
                         Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's 
                         demands. The war is over. Our home planet 
                         is yours.
 
               
               [Bender laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         All right! Hey. Wait a minute! This 
                         is your home planet? We're the evil, 
                         invading aliens?
 
               
                                     BRAIN BALL #2
                         Correct.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Then I guess you learned a valuable 
                         lesson: Don't mess with Earth.
 
               
                                     BRAIN BALL #1
                         May you bounce in peace.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Get the hell off my planet.

               
               [Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. The balls on the surface 
               bounce and fly off the surface and away from the planet.]
 
               
               [Newspaper Headline: "War Over! Balls Thoroughly Licked!" There 
               is a picture of a bruished Zapp giving the thumbs up.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender lies on a table and 
               Farnsworth welds something in his chest cabinet. The other staff 
               gather around watching.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him. 
                         (shouting) Wake up!
 
               
               [He slaps Bender. Bender yawns and sits up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you 
                         get the bomb out? Can I go back to saying 
                         the word I love to say?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm sorry but we couldn't remove it.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's stuck in there with glue or something. 
                         I don't know.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (ironic) Well, this is just great! What's 
                         the point of living if I can't say "ass"? 
                          Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, 
                         ass, ass! Alright! I'm back in the saddle!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         We couldn't disarm the bomb so we reset 
                         the word that triggers it.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         It's from the list of words you almost 
                         never say.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's using your ass. So, what's the 
                         word?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         We think it's better if you don't know.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please? 
                         Oh, is it "please"?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hm, words I never say. Oh, I know! "Thanks"!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, stop trying to destroy the world.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"? 
                         No. "Funderful"? Uh, "nonalcoholic"?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Quit it!

               
                                     FRY
                         Bender!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Stop it, mon!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Enough already!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (from lab) "Compassion"? "Shrimptoast"? 
                         "Antiquing"?  I'm alright!
 
               
               THE END

               

War Is The H Word



Writers :   Eric Horsted
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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