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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 203 

                                  "WHEN ALIENS ATTACK"

                                           By

                                       Ken Keeler

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [A view of the WNYW television building in New York. The caption 
               "Earth: 1999" appears on the bottom of the screen.]
 
               
               [Cut to: WNYW Corridor. Fry hums as he walks through the corridor 
               carrying a pizza box and a six pack of beer. He opens a door 
               marked "WNYW Control Room". Next to the door an "On Air" sign 
               is lit up.]
 
               
               [Cut to: WNYW Control Room. He walks through the door. In the 
               room is a technician surrounded by broadcasting equipment.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real 
                         TV station, huh?
 
               
                                     TECHNICIAN
                         Well, it's a Fox affiliate.

               
                                     FRY
                         What are you showing right now?

               
               [The technician presses a button and a show's title appears on 
               some screens.]
 
               
                                     TECHNICIAN
                         Single Female Lawyer. It's the season 
                         finale. Wanna watch?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I 
                         prefer programmes of the genre "world's 
                         blankiest blank".
 
               
                                     TECHNICIAN
                         She is wearing the world's shortiest 
                         skirt.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm in!

               
               [He sits down and the technician tosses him a can of L÷brau. 
               On the screen is a judge and the single female lawyer, who bears 
               an uncanny resemblance to Calista Flockhart. In fact the entire 
               show is pretty much Ally McBeal.]
 
               
                                     JUDGE
                          Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical 
                         to sleep with your client. If you really 
                         care about the outcome of the case, 
                         you should sleep with me.
 
               
                                     SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER
                          Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition 
                         a single female lawyer in court, but 
                         this is a unisex bathroom.
 
               
                                     JUDGE
                          Overruled, counselor!

               
               [He grabs her and they kiss. A cubicle door opens and a stenographer 
               appears with a machine.]
 
               
                                     STENOGRAPHER
                          Could you repeat that last part?

               
               [Fry yawns and stretches and knocks over a can of beer. The equipment 
               fizzles, crackles and the screens turn to static.]
 
               
                                     TECHNICIAN
                         Oh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the 
                         air!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Pfft! Like anyone on Earth cares.

               
               [In a pullback sequence lifted from Contact the WNYW transmitter 
               transmits the signal through the clouds, away from Earth, and 
               out of the solar system to a planet called Omicron Persei 8 which 
               intercepts the signal 1000 years later.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Omicronian Living Room. Two huge green aliens, Lrrr 
               and Nd-Nd, watch Single Female Lawyer on their small oval TV.]
 
               
               
                                     STENOGRAPHER
                          Could you repeat that last par--

               
               [The picture cuts to static. Lrrr hits the TV with his fist.]
 
               
               
                                     LRRR
                         This is an outrage! I demand to know 
                         what happened to the plucky lawyer and 
                         her compellingly short garment.
 
               
               [The static on the TV changes to the Fox logo.]

               
                                     FOX ANNOUNCER
                          Due to technical difficulties, we now 
                         bring you eight animated shows in a 
                         row.
 
               
               [Lrrr growls and vaporises the TV with a laser.]

               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Proudly Made On Earth.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender lie back on the couch. 
               Fry is holding a can of Slurm and Bender a can of beer. Enter 
               Hermes.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? 
                         Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
 
               
               [He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ow!

               
               [Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor 
                         Day.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday 
                         crammed down our throats by fat-cat 
                         union gangsters?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's the one.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Hot damn, a day off!

               
               [He takes off his jacket and shirt and sits between Fry and Bender. 
               Bender hands him a beer. Enter the rest of the crew wearing and 
               carrying various things. Zoidberg is dressed in an old fashioned 
               green striped swimsuit and is wearing a lobster rubber ring around 
               his waist; Amy is wearing a pink bikini and carrying a fold-up 
               chair; Leela is wearing her green swimsuit with the hole around 
               the navel and is carrying a picnic bag; Farnsworth is carrying 
               a red parasol and wearing 3/4 length shorts, though he is still 
               wearing his lab coat and slippers.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Who's up for one last summer beach trip?
 
                         
               
               [Bender and Hermes leap up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw, yeah!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Ready Freddy!

               
               [He unzips his trousers and they fall around his ankles revealing 
               his swimming trunks underneath. Fry stays on the couch.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (unenthusiastic) Eh, I think I'll just 
                         stay here.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, you're wasting your life sitting 
                         in front of that TV. You need to get 
                         out and see the real world.
 
               
               [She walks between him and the TV. Fry peers around her.]

               
                                     FRY
                         But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution 
                         than the real world!
 
               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Everyone's too polite to say anything 
                         but you're covered with bed sores.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Not covered!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Just get in the car.

               
               [Car. Leela drives the crew across the desert in a dark blue 
               convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth and Fry. Fry 
               has taken off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, 
               Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back and Bender lies across the 
               three of them.]
 
               
               [Monument Beach Car Park. Leela parks in the packed car park 
               and the crew get out.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!

               
               [Fry gazes at the beach. People climb the Sphinx of Giza and 
               alongside it is St Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, 
               the Heads of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount 
               Rushmore.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning 
                         Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were 
                         both in New York!
 
               
               [Leela unpacks some things from the boot.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         They are now. In the 2600's New Yorkers 
                         elected a super-villain governor, and 
                         he stole most of the world's monuments.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
 
                         
               
               [He looks up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's 
               head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' 
               heads.]
 
               
               [Monument Beach. Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of 
               Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs 
               and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg picks up a chunk of real 
               butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across 
               in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It 
               beeps rapidly.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Aha!  Found you!

               
               [Bender's head pops up from the sand.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, now you go hide.  Nice knowin' you.
 
                         
               
               [He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in 
               a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she bashes it 
               over the net. It hits Farnsworth in the head and knocks him over. 
               He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns 
               and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth 
               stands up.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right 
                         to you.
 
               
               [Zoidberg scoffs.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I've had it with this game! I'm going 
                         for a scuttle!
 
               
               [He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Leela is back on her sunbed and Bender is on his.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, everyone, come and get it!

               
               [He opens his door. He has turned his chest cabinet into a grill 
               and there are four cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one 
               out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, just like my dad used to make ... 
                         until McDonald's fired him.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bite my red-hot glowing ass.  Wait a 
                         minute. Red-hot glowing ass?  (calmly) 
                         I'll be right back!  Ow ow ow ow ow 
                         ow ow ow ow!  Aw, yeah!
 
               
               [Amy, Leela and Fry eat their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. 
               Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of 
               the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         No, Nibbler!  (whispering) Psst, Professor, 
                         I need another bikini.
 
               
               [Farnsworth wakes up.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Eh ... wha?  Oh, oh, OK, I think there's 
                         one can left.  Oh, my.
 
               
               [She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.]

               
                                     AMY
                         There. How do I look?

               
               [Farnsworth wiggles his glasses.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Like a cheap French harlot.

               
                                     AMY
                         French?!

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry finishes sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy 
               stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasps 
               and Fry spits the sand out. The guy turns to Leela.]
 
               
                                     BULLY
                         Say, doll-face, how'd you like to make 
                         time with a real man?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No. I'm not attracted to bullies. No 
                         matter how big and ...  ... handsome 
                         they are.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot 
                         of work to do.
 
               
                                     BULLY
                         Uh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a 
                         professional beach bully. I pretend 
                         to steal your girl, you punch me, I 
                         go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 
                         bucks.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         50 bucks?! Not even if she was my girlfriend. 
                         You take her.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry! Although I suppose we could go 
                         for a walk along the beach.
 
               
                                     BULLY
                         Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
 
                         
               
               [He runs off and Leela sighs.]

               
               [Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon 
               a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uh-oh.  Help! Help!  Bender, you gotta 
                         spring me. I'll never survive in here; 
                         I'm too pretty!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. 
                          Cheese it!
 
               
               [Then run off.]

               
               [Monument Beach. Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever 
                         built. This is the kind of castle King 
                         Arthur would have lived in -- If he 
                         were a fiddler crab.
 
               
               [Leela and Farnsworth gather round.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's very nice. We should get a picture 
                         before the tide comes in.
 
               
               [Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Right here, buddy.  Wait, I wanna be 
                         in the picture too.  Pretend you're 
                         happy.
 
               
               [They smile.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yay!

               
               [The smiles fade when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera 
               goes off as the crew look up and see a huge grey alien saucer 
               flying low overhead. The centre of it starts to open up. Everyone 
               watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up 
               and it blows up the White House Ó la Independence Day. Everyone 
               screams.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, my God!

               
               [Hermes pokes his head up through the sand.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         What in Babylon?

               
               [People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble 
               and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies 
               past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his 
               knees and scoops up the sand.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (screaming) Nooo!

               
               [Car. The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing 
               them.]
 
               
               [Outside Planet Express. The car does a 180-degree skid outside 
               the building and the crew run inside.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Faster!

               
               [A saucer blows up the car.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry peeps through the blinds 
               and turns to the rest.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We're all gonna die, aren't we?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, I should think so. Although last 
                         time aliens invaded all they did was 
                         force the most intelligent of us to 
                         pair off and mate continuously. (chuffed) 
                         Oh, yes!
 
               
               [He sprays his throat. Bender turns on the TV to the news. Linda 
               presents with a smile.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          Once again, today's winning lotto number 
                         was 4. In other news, alien saucers 
                         continue to rain destruction upon Earth. 
                         We now go live to an emergency address 
                         by Earth President McNeal.
 
               
               [A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged 
               man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from 
               different nations. A "President McNeal" caption is on the bottom 
               of the screen.]
 
               
                                     MCNEAL
                          Ladies and gentlemen, our course is 
                         clear. The time has come to knuckle 
                         under. To get down on all fours and 
                         really lick boot. Give our alien masters 
                         whatever they want a--
 
               
               [The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to Lrrr. His is now 
               wearing a big red cape and is surrounded by several other Omicronians. 
               He speaks into an old-fashioned microphone.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                          People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet 
                         Omicron Persei 8.  Is this thing on? 
                          Now then: We want the one you call 
                         "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will 
                         lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument 
                         laser. We demand McNeal!
 
               
               [The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal.]
 
               
               
                                     MCNEAL
                          Uh, as I was saying ...  ... mankind 
                         would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous 
                         alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever 
                         he is. Am I right?  And now, the man 
                         who will lead us in our proud struggle 
                         for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph 
                         over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 
                         25-star General Zapp Brannigan!
 
               
               [He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and 
               applaud.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                          Yeah!

               
               [Fry applauds and Leela groans.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic 
                         windbag you slept with.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The Earth is under attack. Can't we 
                         just forget about that?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Evidently not.

               
                                     ZAPP
                          Call me cocky, but if there's an alien 
                         out there I can't kill, I haven't met 
                         him and killed him yet. But I can't 
                         go it alone.  That's why I'm ordering 
                         every available ship to report for duty. 
                         Anyone without a ship should secure 
                         a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
 
                         
               
               [Leela stands up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, you heard the windbag: We've been 
                         drafted. Everyone into the ship.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse 
                         to fight. I'm a conscientious objector.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         A what?

               
                                     BENDER
                         You know, a coward.

               
                                     ZAPP
                          Since this is an emergency all robots 
                         will now have their patriotism circuits 
                         activated.
 
               
               [He holds up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses 
               the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he 
               stands up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It is every robot's duty to give his 
                         life for the good of humanity.  Oh, 
                         crap!
 
               
               [A fleet of ships, including a yellow school bus and the Planet 
               Express ship, fly away from Earth towards the hangar bay of the 
               orbiting Nimbus.]
 
               
               [Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled 
               recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his 
               side.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         We're all from different cultures here. 
                         Some of you are white, some of you are 
                         black.  You're brown.  And you're silver. 
                         But I don't care if your skin's red 
                         or tan or Chinese. You're all going 
                         to have to learn to die together.  Am 
                         I right, soldier?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well actually I--  Sir, yes sir! Sir!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy 
                         all aliens!
 
               
               [Kif raises his hand.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Um, uh, not me, sir.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif ... 
                         (quietly) unless you have to.  (talking) 
                         Oh ho ho! The luscious Captain Leela. 
                          This is turning into one very sex-ay 
                         struggle for the future of the human 
                         race!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.
 
                         
               
               [Nimbus Crew Bunkroom. The recruits are assembled around the 
               beds.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         The key to victory is discipline, and 
                         that means a well-made bed. You will 
                         practise until you can make your bed 
                         in your sleep.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. 
                         Not with all the bed-making you'll be 
                         doing.
 
               
               [Nimbus Briefing Room. The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms 
               and Zapp briefs them Ó la the briefing in Star Wars. He points 
               at a display of an Omicronian saucer.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         The alien mothership is in orbit here. 
                         If we can hit that bullseye the rest 
                         of the dominoes will fall like a house 
                         of cards. Checkmate.  Now, like all 
                         great plans, my strategy is so simple 
                         an idiot could have devised it. On my 
                         command all ships will line up and file 
                         directly into the alien death cannons, 
                         clogging them with wreckage.
 
               
               [Fry raises his hand.]

               
                                     FRY
                         W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send 
                         the robots in first a--
 
               
               [Bender starts to choke him Ó la Homer Simpson to Bart in The 
               Simpsons. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry 
               and salutes.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission. 
                          Aw, cut it out!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You're a brave robot, son. But when 
                         I'm in command every mission's a suicide 
                         mission. Which reminds me.  Leela, perhaps 
                         before we head into battle you'd like 
                         to make love to me, in case one of us 
                         doesn't come back.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Maybe we should wait 'til afterwards, 
                         in case neither of us comes back.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Here's hoping.

               
               [He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and 
               blowing a kiss.]
 
               
               [The fleet flies around the moon towards the Omicronian mothership 
               Ó la the X-Wing approach in Star Wars.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry is at the controls wearing a 
               helmet that looks like Luke Skywalker's.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, 
                         just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, 
                         or Xena!
 
               
               [Leela is on a small screen.]

               
                                     LEELA
                          Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. 
                         Can't you tell the difference?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Sure, I just like TV better.

               
               [He makes gunfire noises.]

               
               [The fleet attacks. Lasers fly in the Star Wars-esque battle. 
               The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships 
               flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding 
               another laser beam.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela wrestles with the controls as alarms 
               beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out 
               of her eye and looks across the room.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, damage report.

               
                                     BENDER
                         The auxiliary power's out, and they 
                         spilled my cocktail.
 
               
               [He looks at the tipped over glass lying on the computer and 
               the olive rolls off the edge.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry narrows his eyes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's 
                         cocktail!
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and 
               Fry lets rip with 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turns the ship 
               away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans and finally explodes 
               in a spectacular fireball, complete with the obligatory flying 
               tyre.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry looks back at the explosion 
               and cheers.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela stands up and waves her arms around.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         We did it! We won!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (sadly) Yeah, but it'll never bring 
                         back my martini.  (normal) Well, who 
                         wants a martini?
 
               
               [He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise 
               a toast. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                          Good work, everyone. The mothership 
                         is destroyed.
 
               
               [Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield.]
 
               
               
               [The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing 
               it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs 
               the Nimbus.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         What the hell is that thing?

               
                                     KIF
                         It appears to be the mothership.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Then what did we just blow up?

               
               [Kif checks the screen beside him.]

               
                                     KIF
                         The Hubble Telescope.

               
               [The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships 
               and a Slurm lorry.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp and Kif watch the battle 
               on screen.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (shouting) Stop exploding, you cowards!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela drops her martini glass.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         This is hopeless.  If we're gonna get 
                         blown to bits, we might as well do it 
                         in the comfort of our own home.
 
               
               [She pulls a lever on the seat.]

               
               [The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth is talking to a woman, a 
               man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry 
               and Bender. The woman is blonde and has two eyes; the man has 
               brown hair that is combed down and he wears a green jacket; the 
               robot is very crude and clunky.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You'll be the captain, you'll be the 
                         delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, 
                         foul-mouthed--  Oh, God, you're alive. 
                         I mean, thank God you're alive!  Sorry, 
                         check back in three days, a week at 
                         the most.
 
               
               [They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV.]

               
                                     LRRR
                          We want McNeal! Stop stalling!

               
               [The scene changes to the news studio.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.
 
                         
               
               [McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with 
               them.]
 
               
                                     MCNEAL
                          The people of Earth remain united in 
                         my refusal to hand over myself. Total 
                         annihalation is a small price to pay 
                         compared with--
 
               
               [Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags 
               him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack.]
 
               
               [Outside Capitol Building. An Omicronian saucer is parked at 
               the back of the building and there is a door at ground level. 
               Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (shouting) Here he is! Come and get 
                         him!
 
               
               [The door opens and Lrrr and Nd-Nd are standing behind it. McNeal 
               wriggles out of the sack and gasps.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         You are not McNeal.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (simultaneously) Huh?

               
                                     MCNEAL
                         (simultaneously) Huh?

               
                                     ND-ND
                         You are not the one we want.

               
                                     MCNEAL
                          Oh, thank you. Thank you, glorious 
                         masters! I--
 
               
               [Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporises McNeal. He crumbles into 
               a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back.]
 
               
               
                                     LRRR
                         Give us McNeal!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         That was McNeal.

               
                                     ND-ND
                         No, McNeal: The single female lawyer.
 
                         
               
                                     LRRR
                         She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp rubs his chin.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (sexfully) Really?

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff are watching on TV.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.

               
               [Cut to: Outside Capitol Building.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried 
                         human female struggling to succeed in 
                         a human male's world.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Maybe that's just her excuse for being 
                         incompetent.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         (shouting) Silence! (talking) We will 
                         accept no more decoys.  This is the 
                         McNeal.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry stares at the headshot.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, I know her.

               
                                     LEELA
                         You do not, you big fat liar. You don't 
                         know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         That's where I know her from. She's 
                         Jenny McNeal. She was a character on 
                         a TV show back in the 20th century, 
                         Single Female Lawyer.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well if they're hoping to see a TV show 
                         that hasn't existed for a thousand years, 
                         pfft, they are royally boned.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                          We will raise your planet's temperature 
                         by one million degrees a day, for five 
                         days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow 
                         -- 8 central!
 
               
               [The staff gasp.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (disappointed) I'm beginning to think 
                         there'll be no forced mating at all.
 
                         
               
               [Lrrr and Nd-Nd's saucer hovers above New New York.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The entire staff are assembled 
               around the table. Leela paces around.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         They're going to destroy the entire 
                         Earth if they don't see some stupid 
                         TV show about some bimbo lawyer?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's crazy! How could they even know 
                         about a show from a thousand years ago?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand 
                         light years away. So the electro-magnetic 
                         waves would just recently have gotten 
                         there. You see--
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Magic. Got it.

               
               [Amy types "single female lawyer" into a search engine and a 
               page pops up.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Check this out: Back in 1999 the season 
                         finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted 
                         by technical problems. Apparently some 
                         zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Beer -- I would think.

               
                                     BENDER
                         They must just wanna see that episode. 
                         Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
 
                         
               
               [Amy searches some more.]

               
                                     AMY
                         There aren't any copies left.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes 
                         from that era were damaged in 2443 during 
                         the Second Coming of Jesus.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of 
                         that episode. If I could make up an 
                         ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I could make the costumes.

               
               [He cuts some material with his claw.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting 
                         tower in the attic.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (dramatically) And I, I could be an 
                         acting coach!
 
               
               [He whizzes his hand around.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Let's put on a show.

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. The ship has been moved to make way 
               for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth makes some last minute 
               perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's 
               table and Zoidberg wheels a clothes rail loaded with frilly things 
               past Fry, Leela and Amy. Fry is sat on a chair with the script.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh-uh, forget it. A: I'm camera shy, 
                         and B: I get tongue tied in front of 
                         an audience armed with death rays.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Plus, you don't really have the thighs 
                         for a miniskirt.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Gimme the script.

               
               [She snatches it from Fry.]

               
               [Planet Express: Attic Roof. Farnsworth leans through a hatch 
               and hooks up a satellite dish and points it at the nearby saucer.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Outside Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr climbs a ladder up to 
               the roof and jabs an aerial into it.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. On the courtroom set Fry calls for his 
               cast.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Places, everyone.

               
               [Amy puts the finishing touches to Leela's make-up. She is dressed 
               in a green suit and high heels.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         OK ... all set!

               
               [Leela turns around. Amy has attached a googly eye to the side 
               of Leela's face. She flicks the pupil and it rolls around.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Lights!  Camera one!  Camera two!  Camera 
                         three!
 
               
               [Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing else moves.]
 
               
               
               [Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit in recliners in front 
               of a TV screen with six other Omicronians sat around them.]
 
               
               
                                     LRRR
                         Prepare the water cooler, that we may 
                         gather around it later and discuss things.
 
                         
               
               [He pulls the recliner lever and flicks the TV on. Bender holds 
               up a crude sign with "Single Female Lawyer" written on it and 
               sings.]
 
               
               Fighting for her client,

               [He swaps the sign to one that says "Written and Directed by 
               Fry."]
 
               Wearing sexy miniskirts...

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) ...And being self-reliant.
 
                         
               (talking) Hey I'm pretty good!

               
               [He takes the sign away and the episode begins. Farnsworth is 
               the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Leela is the defendant. 
               Farnsworth and Leela are holding their scripts.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Uh, (reading) Jenny McNeal, you are 
                         charged with jury-tampering in last 
                         week's case ...  ... on account of your 
                         hot, naked affair with the foreman. 
                         How do you plead?
 
               
               [Leela stands up and looks at her script.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Your Honour, I move for a mistrial, 
                         on the grounds that I'm also having 
                         a hot, naked affair with the foreman 
                         of this jury.
 
               
               [Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with 10 cardboard people. 
               Hermes waves.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (sexfully) I'll see you during the recess!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Omicronian Saucer.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously 
                         why does she not simply tear the judge's 
                         head off?
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         It is true what they say; "Women are 
                         from Omicron Persei 7, men are from 
                         Omicron Persei 9".
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (reading) Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Gracias.  Single Female Lawyer, where 
                         were you on the night of August 23rd?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Sleeping with you.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Aha!

               
               [He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face. 
               He sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a 
               panic.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh, 
                         matter, uh-uh, if it please the court 
                         ... (whispering) Fry, there's nothing 
                         else here. You only wrote two pages 
                         of dialogue.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, it took an hour to write. I thought 
                         it would take an hour to read.
 
               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What are we supposed to do now?

               
                                     FRY
                         I don't know, I don't know. Just say 
                         anything. As long as it's compelling, 
                         mesmerising, a tour de force.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh...

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (reading) What say you, Single Female 
                         Lawyer?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I say ... I'm giving up the law.  And 
                         I'm giving up being single. Your Honour, 
                         will you marry me?
 
               
               [Amy and Hermes gasp. Bender makes dramatic incidental music 
               noises. Fry buries his face in his hands.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No, no! Go to commercial!

               
               [Bender puts the Single Female Lawyer card in front of the camera.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         We'll be back after this word from Crazy 
                         Bender's Discount Stereo.
 
               
               [He retracts his eye.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Married? Jenny can't get married.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But that's not why people watch TV. 
                         Clever things make people feel stupid, 
                         and unexpected things make them feel 
                         scared.
 
               
               [Lrrr crackles onto the screen.]

               
                                     LRRR [ON TV]
                         Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage 
                         plan scares us. You stole our hearts 
                         as a single female lawyer, and so shall 
                         you remain -- or else!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You see? TV audiences don't want anything 
                         original. They wanna see the same thing 
                         they've seen a thousand times before.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (Ó la Arnold Jackson) Whatchoo talkin' 
                         'bout, Fry?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Trust me on this. While other people 
                         were out living their lives, I wasted 
                         mine watching TV, because deep down 
                         I knew it might one day help me save 
                         the world. Plus, I would have lost my 
                         Workman's Comp if I hadd gone outside. 
                         Now just read these cue cards.
 
               
               [He scrawls something on some big cards with a black marker.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. The cast take their places. Fry holds up the cue 
               cards.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         And action!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (reading) Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I 
                         must decline your offer of marriage. 
                         For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then 
                         fall over dead.
 
               
               [He smiles and just stares ahead.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (reading; unmoved) My God, he's dead.
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth checks his pulse.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (reading) I will now make my closing 
                         statement. With my fiancÚ deceased ... 
                          ... I hereby return to my single female 
                         lawyer career. No matter what any man 
                         says.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         We find the defendant vulnerable yet 
                         spunky!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (cheering) Hooray!

               
                                     AMY
                         (cheering) Hooray!

               
                                     FRY
                         And ... cut!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Single Female Lawyer,

               Having lot's of sex--

               (talking) Huh?

               
               [Lrrr cuts onto the TV. Nd-Nd drinks from the water cooler behind 
               him.]
 
               
                                     LRRR [ON TV]
                         Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably 
                         satisfied with the events we have seen. 
                         Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not 
                         great.  As a result, we will not destroy 
                         your planet. But neither will we provide 
                         you with our recipe for immortality.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Way to overact ,Zoidberg!

               
                                     LRRR [ON TV]
                         And now we must return to our planet, 
                         to catch the end of a thousand-year-old 
                         Leno monologue.
 
               
               [He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen.]

               
               [Cut to: Street. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come 
               out from hiding. A white man hugs a black man, a Jew hugs an 
               Arab and a clown hugs a nun.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch and cheer.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         You did it, Fry!

               
                                     FRY
                         Yep.  It was just a matter of knowing 
                         the secret of all TV shows; At the end 
                         of the episode, everything's always 
                         right back to normal.
 
               
               [Pullback: New New York is a burning ruin. There is a crashed 
               ship in the river and the flaming arm of the Statue Of Liberty 
               crumbles away.]
 
               
               THE END

When Aliens Attack



Writers :   Ken Keeler
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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