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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 412

                              "WHERE NO FAN HAS GONE BEFORE"

                                           By

                                    David A. Goodman

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Where No Fan Has Gone Before.]

               
               [In the establishing shot, Star Trek-like music plays and the 
               Planet Express ship flies through space with the trademark warp 
               nacelles featured in Star Trek attached to it.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         (voice-over) Shatner's log, airdate 
                         ... unknown.
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. The room has been converted to resemble 
               a court setting. Zapp Brannigan is judge while Bender and Leela 
               sit with the heads in jars of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, 
               George Takei, Walter Koenig, DeForest Kelley and Nichelle Nichols.]
 
               
               
                                     SHATNER
                         The impossible has happened. It would 
                         take days to recount the events I have 
                         witnessed. So, settle in. It all began--
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Quiet, you! This court martial is now 
                         in session. The honourably sexy Zapp 
                         Brannigan residing. Bring in the accused.
 
                         
               
               [Kif wheels in Fry in the wheelchair used by Captain Pike in 
               the Star Trek episode The Menagerie. Fry looks paralysed. The 
               heads gasp.]
 
               
                                     TAKEI
                         Oh, my!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of 
                         travelling to the forbidden planet Omega 
                         3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent 
                         death sentences. Do you understand the 
                         charges?
 
               
               [Kif leans over Fry's shoulder.]

               
                                     KIF
                         One beep for "yes", two beeps for "no".
 
                         
               
               [Fry beeps once.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         "Yes". So noted. Do you plead guilty? 
                          Double "yes". Guilty! I will now carry 
                         out the punishment. Kif, my gun.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! He plead not guilty.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Order!  Order in the court! Very well 
                         then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events 
                         that led you to be guilty.
 
               
               [Fry beeps in Morse code.]

               
               [Flashback. "A Few Days Earlier".]

               
               [Rent-A-Wreck Video. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg look at 
               the videos on the shelves.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The Professor said he was taking a brief 
                         nap, so we only have time for six movies.
 
                         
               
               [Bender scoops up some videos.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Lets take these six Jim Carrey movies 
                         and record over them.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You know what movies average out to 
                         be really good? The first six Star Trek 
                         movies!
 
               
               [The rest of the crew gasp, a camera zooms in on Fry and other 
               customers panic.]
 
               
                                     CLERK
                         (shouting) Everybody hit the deck!
 
                         
               
               [Everybody falls to the floor.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Sh! Those words are forbidden!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         What words? Star Trek?

               
               [A klaxon goes off and a red light flashes.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sh!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Shut your gills!

               
               [A siren is heard from outside.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         That sound! It's patrol car 718! Hide 
                         him!
 
               
               [Leela and Zoidberg grab Fry and stuff him in Bender's chest 
               cabinet.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Rent-A-Wreck Video. Leela, Bender and Zoidberg 
               leave as Smitty and URL pull up and run into the shop without 
               noticing them.]
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
               [Fade to: Ships Cargo Bay. Fry is still beeping.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         The court is intrigued. Perhaps we could 
                         hear more about these forbidden words 
                         from someone with a sexilly seductive 
                         voice.
 
               
               [Nichelle Nichols is about to speak.]

               
                                     TAKEI
                         With pleasure. You see, the show was 
                         banned after the Star Trek wars.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You mean after the vast migration of 
                         Star Wars fans?
 
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         No, that was the Star Wars trek.  By 
                         the 23rd century, Star Trek fandom had 
                         evolved from a loose association of 
                         nerds with skin problems into a full-blown 
                         religion.
 
               
               [On the screen, a service is held at the Church Of Trek.]

               
                                     PRIEST
                          And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon 
                         ship where they would be no Tribble 
                         at all.
 
               
                                     CONGREGATION
                          All power to the engines.

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         As country after country fell under 
                         its influence, world leaders became 
                         threatened by the movements power.  
                         And so the Trekkies were executed in 
                         the manner most befitting virgins.
 
                         
               
               [On the rim of a volcano two men throw Trekkies into the flames.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN
                          He's dead, Jim!  He's dead, Jim!  He's 
                         dead, Jim!
 
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Finally, the sacred texts were banned.
 
                         
               
               [The episodes are put inside a torpedo casing.]

               
                                     TAKEI
                         The last copies of the 79 episodes and 
                         six movies were dumped on the forbidden 
                         world Omega 3. Along with that blooper 
                         reel where the door doesn't close all 
                         the way.
 
               
               [As he speaks a ship that looks like an Eagle from Space 1999 
               fires the torpedo. It hits the planet like Spock's coffin hit 
               the Genesis planet in Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan. The video 
               ends.]
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Thus, Star Trek was forever scoured 
                         from human memory.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Another classic science-fiction show 
                         cancelled before its time.
 
               
               [Zapp tuts.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I've never heard of such a brutal and 
                         shocking injustice that I cared so little 
                         about. Next witness.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Bender the robot, please take the stand.
 
                         
               
               [Fry steps out of the wheelchair, perfectly healthy.]

               
                                     FRY
                         She's all yours, buddy!

               
               [Bender gets in.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once, 
                         but I knew he was up to no good.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Please use the beeps.

               
               [Bender grumbles and starts to beep.]

               
               [Flashback.]

               
               [Fade to: Head Museum. Fry runs into the 20th century room.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Mr. Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard 
                         what happened centuries ago. I can't 
                         believe your show was banned.
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         I have absolutely no idea what you're 
                         talking about.
 
               
               [A camera tracks Fry but he ignores it.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You know? 1966? 79 episodes, about 30 
                         good ones.
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Oh, really, I've done too many things 
                         to remember one particular TV series. 
                         But if-if you want to discuss my books 
                         of poetry--
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Come on! Remember that episode where 
                         you go high on spores and smacked Kirk 
                         around?
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one 
                         man show about Vincent van Spock-- Uh, 
                         uh, I mean van Gogh! Damn!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Aha! You can't escape it!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         (crying) Oh, you're right, I can't.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, jeez, don't get upset. I mean, OK 
                         I outwitted you, but--
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         (crying) No, it's my fellow cast members. 
                         300 years ago they left Earth behind.
 
                         
               
               [Flashback ... again.]

               
               [Fade to: Launch Pad. Star Trek cast members' heads in jars are 
               loaded into a rocket.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, 
                         Leonard.
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Bill, you are, and always shall be, 
                         my friend. But I just signed a six-month 
                         lease on my apartment. I can't walk 
                         away from a commitment like that.
 
                         
               
                                     SHATNER
                         Very well, my friend.

               
               [His jar is loaded into the rocket. The rocket blasts off leaving 
               Nimoy behind.]
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
               [Fade to: Head Museum. Nimoy sobs.]

               
                                     NIMOY
                         (crying) Why did the world turn its 
                         back on our obvious greatness?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm literally angry with rage! Your 
                         co-stars may be gone but we can still 
                         get those episode tapes back for the 
                         whole world to see. Come on!
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Oh!

               
               [He grabs Nimoy's jar from the shelf, tucks it under his arm 
               and runs out. Jonathan Frakes' jar hops forward.]
 
               
                                     FRAKES
                         Yes! Front row!

               
               [Ships Cockpit. The ship is in the hangar and Fry starts to power 
               it up.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You can't go to Omega 3; It's forbidden! 
                         I forbid you!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But we have to! The world needs Star 
                         Trek to give people hope for the future.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         But it's set 800 years in the past!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, why is this so important to you?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         'Cause it-it taught me so much. Like 
                         how you should accept people, whether 
                         they be black, white, Klingon or even 
                         female. But most importantly, when I 
                         didn't have any friends, it made me 
                         feel like maybe I did.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I 
                         guess I can't let you go alone.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll go too, with Leonard's permission, 
                         of course.
 
               
               [Nimoy nods.]

               
               [The ship flies into a solar system.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         We're entering the Omega system.

               
               [An alarm goes off.]

               
                                     COMPUTER VOICE
                         Warning: You are now in forbidden space.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Forbidden shmer-shmidden! What are they 
                         gonna do, write a letter? (sarcastic) 
                         Ooh, I'm so scared!
 
               
               [The ship shakes and another alarms goes off.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I've lost control of the ship!

               
               [Bender panics.]

               
               [Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship hits the surface, flips over 
               and lands upside down. The crew get out, Fry carrying Nimoy. 
               Bender lights a cigar and Leela gasps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, dip!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         Dip, indeed!

               
               [They look around in amazement. There are Star Trek props and 
               sets everywhere.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's all stuff from that forbidden show.
 
                         
               
                                     NIMOY
                         So many cardboard sets, so many memories. 
                         If only the others--
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         I guess that's my cue.

               
               [He steps out of the "Guardian of Forever" prop with a body and 
               wearing a yellow Star Trek uniform.]
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Bill!

               
                                     SHATNER
                         L-Dog!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         (laughing) Hey! This is wonderful!
 
                         
               
                                     SHATNER
                         Oh, man.

               
                                     NIMOY
                         I feel like hugging you.

               
                                     SHATNER
                         Well I would except you have no body! 
                          And we're both men.
 
               
               [Nichelle Nichols steps out, also with a body. She is followed 
               by the other actors.]
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Nichelle! George! Walter! DeForest! 
                          Welshy!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Welshy?

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         We did some musical reunion specials 
                         in the 2200's but the guy who played 
                         Scotty had trouble yodelling.
 
               
                                     TAKEI
                         Ever since then, Welshy has been a welcome 
                         participant in our escapades.
 
               
               [Welshy says something in Welsh.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe it! How'd you all end 
                         up here?
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         We were on our way to Welshy's cousin's 
                         house to stay in the guest room when 
                         our ship was pulled down to this planet 
                         and crashed, just like yours.
 
               
                                     KOENIG
                         When we woke up, we had these bodies.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Say it in Russian!

               
               [Koenig sighs.]

               
                                     KOENIG
                         Ven ve voke up ve had these wodies.
 
                         
               
               [Fry squeals.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Now say "nuclear wessels"!

               
                                     KOENIG
                         No!

               
                                     TAKEI
                         You'll love it here. Everything is provided 
                         for us. And we never age. Check out 
                         these abs!
 
               
               [He rips his shirt revealing his body.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yowza!

               
                                     LEELA
                         But who's doing all this for you?

               
                                     SHATNER
                         You know, we never thought about it. 
                         We're famous celebrities -- we're used 
                         to this sort of treatment.
 
               
               [A deep, booming voice interrupts them.]

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         It is I!

               
               [Everyone gasps and looks up. Above them is a hovering, green 
               cloud.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa! What a cheesy effect!

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         I am not an effect! You doubt my power?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I do.

               
               [Melllvar zaps Welshy with a bolt of lightning and he falls over.]
 
               
               
                                     WELSHY
                         (shouting) Aye!

               
               [Fry runs to him and holds him.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (screaming) Welshy!

               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
               [Ships Cargo Bay.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         This court will now hear some very sensual 
                         testimony from this court's ex-lover, 
                         Turanga Leela.
 
               
               [Leela is already in the wheelchair.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Go  yourself.

               
               [She beeps.]

               
               [Flashback.]

               
               [Fade to: Omega 3 Surface. The flashback continues from earlier.]
 
               
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Behold another power, different from 
                         the one you saw earlier.
 
               
               [Melllvar floats over Nimoy's jar and gives him a body and a 
               blue uniform.]
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Hey! A body! Buff, tan. Yeah, this is 
                         mine alright!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, you gas, what's the deal?
 
                         
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures 
                         of the Enterprise crew rained down upon 
                         my planet. Over and over, I watched 
                         them. Especially the five with the energy 
                         beings. I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes, 
                         knower of the episodes! Tremble before 
                         my encyclopaedic knowledge of Star Trek!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Tremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more 
                         about Star Trek than me!
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         I beg to differ.  Long have I waited 
                         for the one who played Spock. At last, 
                         we can begin.
 
               
               [A banner reading "Welcome To Trekfest 3002" appears behind him, 
               hanging from a prop.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cool! A Star Trek convention!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         Uh, Melllvar, can you give us some idea 
                         of how long this is going to last?
 
                         
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Until time stops.

               
                                     LEELA
                         What?

               
                                     SHATNER
                         He can't do this!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         You can't be serious!

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Now, we have a full schedule of events--
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?
 
                         
               
                                     KOENIG
                         Good question!

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         No, you have to stay even longer.

               
               [Bender and Koenig groan.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The actors sit at a long table for autographs. Nimoy 
               snores. Melllvar gets Takei's autograph and Fry stands behind 
               him, nervous.]
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Um, uh, sign it to Melllvar. "Melllvar" 
                         has three "L's".
 
               
                                     TAKEI
                         I think I've done enough conventions 
                         to know how to spell "Melllvar".
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The cast and Melllvar are standing in front of a 
               backdrop having their photo taken by Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Say "nerd"!

               
                                     ALL
                         Nerd!

               
               [Time Lapse. Shatner is on a stage spoken-wording Eminem's The 
               Real Slim Shady.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         (spoken-word) I'm Slim Shady,

               Yes, I'm the real Shady,

               All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating,

               So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,

               Please stand up,

               Please stand up.

               
                                     KOENIG
                         How can you do a spoken-word version 
                         of a rap song?
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         He found a way.

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Melllvar are playing "Ambassador Sarek's 
               Trivia Challenge" with Leela as questionmaster. Fry has 500 points 
               and Melllvar has 300.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         For one hundred quatloos: Who did the 
                         captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?
 
               
               [Shatner leaps up.]

               
                                     SHATNER (SHOUTING)
                         Khaaan!

               
               [Fry buzzes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh ... Khan?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Correct.

               
               [Fry's score goes up to 600.]

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         My button has broken. The trivia contest 
                         has ended. I-I now have a surprise. 
                         You will perform a fan script, written 
                         by the ultimate Trek fan.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You have my fan script?

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         I meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate 
                         fan!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (smug) Oh, I was confused because the 
                         scoreboard says something different.
 
                         
               
               [Melllvar growls.]

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! 
                          We have limited rehearsal time. Now, 
                         I didn't make enough copies of the script 
                         so George and Walter will have to share.
 
                         
               
               [Takei reluctantly shares.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, you probably don't want us to see 
                         you rehearsing, or it'll give away the 
                         ending.
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         That's right! The ending must not be 
                         ruined.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We'll go wait in the ship.

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         OK.

               
                                     FRY
                         Not 'til I get my 600 quatloos!

               
               [Leela and Bender grab Fry and pull him away.]

               
               [Ships Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet.]

               
                                     FRY
                         This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned 
                         them there.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I dunno, I'm feeling pretty good about 
                         it.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I didn't wanna leave them either, Fry, 
                         but what are we supposed to do?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, usually on the show someone would 
                         come up with a complicated plan then 
                         explain it with a simple analogy.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hmm. If we can re-route engine power 
                         through the primary weapons and reconfigure 
                         them to Melllvar's frequency, that should 
                         overload his electro-quantum structure.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Like putting too much air in a balloon!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Of course! It's so simple!

               
               [The ship turns around and heads back to the planet.]

               
               [Omega 3 Surface. The cast are on the set of the Enterprise bridge 
               rehearsing with their scripts.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         (reading) Alas, my ship, whom I love 
                         like a woman, is .. .disabled.  Oh, 
                         Lord!
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         (reading) Fascinating, captain, and 
                         logical too. Yet we need some help.
 
                         
               
                                     TAKEI
                         (reading) Look, captain, Melllvar will 
                         help us.
 
               
               [He turns around and points to the door. It eventually opens 
               and Melllvar floats through.]
 
               
                                     KOENIG
                         (reading) Keptin, I wope he will welp 
                         our ... vessel.
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Wessel!  You're not acting hard enough!
 
                         
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. 
                         When I directed Star Trek IV I got a 
                         magnificent performance out of Bill 
                         because I respected him so much.
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         And when I directed Star Trek V I got 
                         a magnificent performance out of me, 
                         because I respected me so much!
 
               
               [The other actors roll their eyes.]

               
               [Ships Jeffries Tube. Bender welds something in the Planet Express 
               ships equivalent to Scotty's tube.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) OK! I'm done re-kafoobling 
                         the energy motron ... or, whatever.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fire!

               
               [She pauses then presses the "FIRE!" button on the control panel 
               herself.]
 
               
               [Orange phaser beams diverge from the ship.]

               
               [Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The fan script performance continues.]
 
               
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         (reading) My, what a handsome energy 
                         creature you are. I love you.  Hey, 
                         you wrote it!
 
               
               [Melllvar grows in size and the actors step backwards.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship shakes. Fry gets the obligatory 
               console exploding in his face like in Star Trek. Smoke comes 
               out of machinery and sparks fly.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Its not working! He's drawing straight 
                         from our weapons.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Like a balloon and ... something bad 
                         happens.
 
               
               [Melllvar turns into a giant green hand  la Apollo in the Star 
               Trek episode Who Mourns For Adonis?.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela scream.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship backs away. The hand grabs and 
               pulls it back down to the planet.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship crashes and the engine falls 
               off. The crew crawl out from underneath.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yup!

               
               [Melllvar and the Star Trek actors are nearby.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         So, uh, how's rehearsal going?

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch 
                         of actors while you, a crew of genuine 
                         space heroes, risked your lives to save 
                         them.
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Hey! We've done heroic things too.
 
                         
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Yeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner!
 
                         
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Silence! My whole world has turned upside-down. 
                         I have but one option.
 
               
                                     KOENIG
                         Keep them and let us go?

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         No! To determine who is more worthy 
                         of my fanatical devotion I shall pit 
                         you together against each other in armed 
                         combat ... To the death!
 
               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Where'd you get an idiotic idea like 
                         that?
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77.

               
                                     FRY
                         Great list. Except, you forgot episode 
                         66!
 
               
               [He chuckles.]

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         I was getting to that one!

               
               [He zaps Welshy's corpse and it explodes.]

               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
               [Ships Cargo Bay.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         So Melllvar ordered a battle to the 
                         death. I assume no one survived.
 
               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Can we get on with this? My foot's getting 
                         tired!
 
               
               [Flashback.]

               
               [Fade to: Omega 3 Surface.]

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         This will be your standard battle to 
                         the death. The only weapons: Whatever 
                         you can find. But I warn you, do nothing 
                         until I have signalled the start of 
                         combat. OK, start.
 
               
               [The Star Trek cast and Planet Express crew run off in different 
               directions.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The actors hide behind a covered wagon on a Western 
               set. A tumbleweed blows by. Shatner rips his shirt.]
 
               
                                     KOENIG
                         I don't have much experience at fighting-- 
                         Except with you guys.
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode 
                         where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
 
                         
               
                                     NIMOY
                         You mean Doohan?

               
               [They both laugh and high five.]

               
                                     SHATNER
                         Whoever it was, I did it like this.
 
                         
               
               [He takes a boot off and throws it at Takei's face.]

               
                                     TAKEI
                         Ow!

               
               [Shatner hops.]

               
                                     SHATNER
                         My foot's cold!

               
               [By the "Guardian of Forever" prop, Leela drops a pile of sticks 
               next to Fry.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There, we can make these into spears.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         And we can tie these caterpillars together 
                         to make bow strings for bows and arrows.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         And we can use this machine gun to shoot 
                         them! Yee-haw!  That was fun!
 
               
               [On a rock-face, the actors separate. Shatner, Nichols and Takei 
               remain. Shatner holds a bamboo stick.]
 
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         What if I distract them with my famous 
                         fan dance?
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         Oh, that's good, good, good, good. And 
                         then, George, you give them a karate 
                         chop!
 
               
                                     TAKEI
                         I find that offensive. Just because 
                         I'm of Japanese ancestry you assume 
                         I know karate. Have I ever led you to 
                         believe I've studied karate?
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         Well, no, but you never talk about yourself.
 
                         
               
                                     TAKEI
                         (sadly) Maybe if you showed a little 
                         interest.
 
               
               [Elsewhere, Fry tries out his bow and arrow.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, here goes nothing.

               
               [He tries to fire the arrow but the bow breaks and the caterpillars 
               crawl all over his face. He falls over. Nichols appears from 
               behind some rocks and does the fan dance from Star Trek V.]
 
               
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         (sexfully) Hello, boys!

               
               [She dances. Bender zooms in.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa!

               
               [Takei sneaks up behind him and chops him on the shoulder.]
 
               
               
                                     TAKEI
                         Hi-yah!

               
               [Bender screams. On a cliff, Leela and Shatner edge their way 
               around a rock, facing opposite directions. They bump into each 
               other and turn around. Leela screams and Shatner gasps.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         There's no right way to hit a woman.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Then do it the wrong way.

               
                                     SHATNER
                         Fine. Yah!

               
               [He kicks her and knocks her down. She gets back up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Is that all you've got? Hi-yah!

               
               [She does a roundhouse on him and hits him in the eye. He groans 
               and raises his fists, ready to hit her.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         See you in h--

               
               [Leela hits him in the face. He hits back and she dodges his 
               punch and kicks him in the chest. He flies back and hits the 
               ground. She jumps on him and repeatedly hits him in the face. 
               Fry fights DeForest Kelley while Bender takes on Nimoy, Koenig 
               and Takei.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on, Walter!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         Take that!

               
               [He hits Bender with a stick. Fry pushes Kelley away and Nichols 
               cartwheels onto him, yelling. She locks his head between her 
               thighs and pulls his hair.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It hurts!

               
                                     NIMOY
                         Let's see if this actually works!  Hm. 
                          Ow! Ow! Ow!
 
               
                                     KOENIG
                         My face!

               
                                     TAKEI
                         Ow! My face too!

               
               [Shatner and Leela are both down. Shatner gets up and offers 
               her his hand.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         May I?  Oh!

               
               [She picks up a rock and holds it over him.]

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Excellent! Excellent!

               
               [Shatner holds out his hand.]

               
                                     SHATNER
                         Leela, please. This is exactly what 
                         Melllvar wants. We're just pawns in 
                         his diabolical game of checkers. Can't 
                         we resolve our differences some other 
                         way?
 
               
               [A bigger pink energy cloud wearing ugly glasses appears next 
               to Melllvar.]
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR'S MOTHER
                         Melllvar! Dinner time!

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                         Aw, but Mom, I'm playing with my collectables!
 
                         
               
                                     MELLLVAR'S MOTHER
                         Now!

               
               [Melllvar groans and disappears.]

               
                                     FRY
                         All this time we thought he was a powerful 
                         super-being, yet he was just a child.
 
                         
               
                                     MELLLVARS'S MOTHER
                         He's not a child, he's 34!

               
               [She disappears.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright, Koenig, I've wanted to do this 
                         for years!
 
               
               [He grabs him by his shirt and holds up his fist. Fry grabs his 
               arm.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, wait! This is our chance to 
                         escape, before Melllvar comes back. 
                         But we all need to work together.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. They run onto the cliff and find Leela and Shatner 
               making out. Shatner rubs Leela's back.]
 
               
                                     SHATNER
                         I love you so much!

               
               [Nimoy clears his throat.]

               
                                     NIMOY
                         Hello?

               
               [They both look up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         We've decided to work together.

               
                                     NIMOY
                         Uh, so did they.

               
               [Shatner gets up and elbows Nimoy.]

               
                                     SHATNER
                         Now, how do we escape?

               
                                     LEELA
                         We can't use our ship; We have life 
                         support but the engines are wrecked.
 
                         
               
                                     TAKEI
                         Ironic Because our engines work but 
                         our life support systems don't.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, if your engines work--

               
                                     TAKEI
                         And your life support systems work--
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Stop! You're just goin' around in circles! 
                         (to himself) Think, Fry, think! Everyone's 
                         depending on you.
 
               
               [Time Lapse: Takei and Leela finish welding warp nacelles onto 
               the hull of the Planet Express ship.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The ship takes off but stalls and falls.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         We're too heavy. You guys need to lose 
                         some weight, fast!
 
               
               [Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The side door of the ship opens and 
               the decapitated bodies of the Star Trek cast are thrown out.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The actors heads are in jars. Fry wheels 
               in the video case.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Look, Leonard, we're light enough to 
                         keep the tapes! Isn't that great?
 
                         
               
                                     NIMOY
                         I'm living in a gefilte fish jar.

               
               [The ship flies away from the planet.]

               
                                     FRY
                         We did it!

               
               [Everyone cheers.]

               
               [Behind the ship, another ship de-cloaks. There is the sound 
               of Melllvar laughing and the ship shoots at the Planet Express 
               ship.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Melllvar's got a spaceship!

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                          Yes, in mint condition. And you made 
                         me take it out of the package!
 
               
               [He shoots at them some more. The ship approaches a familiar 
               ship.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         The Nimbus! We're saved!

               
               [A screen comes down from above Leela's head.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                          You're under arrest. Prepare to be 
                         boarded.
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
               [Ships Cargo Bay.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         So I boarded you, eh. What happened 
                         next?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You started this stupid court martial. 
                         Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting 
                         Melllvar!
 
               
               [Melllvar strafes the ship.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone runs in.]

               
               [Leela turns the ship around, back the way they came. Melllvar 
               follows, shooting more.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone falls over.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         One more hit and we're done for!

               
                                     TAKEI
                         Let's take 'em out with us. Do you guys 
                         have a self-destruct code? Like "destruct 
                         sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3--"
 
               
               [Bender's head explodes, leaving some wires, coils and his mouth 
               poking out of his body.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Thanks a lot, Takei, now everybody knows!
 
                         
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                          If I can't have the original cast of 
                         Star Trek, no one will! Prepare to die!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait! If they mean that much to you, 
                         why do you wanna kill them?
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                          Because I ... I ... I dunno what I'd 
                         do without them.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be 
                         your whole life. You can do anything 
                         you want. Look at Walter Koenig: After 
                         Star Trek, he became an actor.
 
               
                                     KOENIG
                         Not just an actor, but a well-rounded 
                         person, with my own friends and credit 
                         cards and keys.
 
               
                                     MELLLVAR
                          Well, I guess I could move out of my 
                         parents' basement ... maybe get a temp 
                         job.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Whoa, whoa! One step at a time.

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                          I thank you, Fry. You know, you and 
                         I are of a kind. In a different reality 
                         I could have called you "friend".
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Episode 10, Balance Of Terror.

               
                                     MELLLVAR
                          More like episode nine, loser! In your 
                         face! Victory is mine!
 
               
               [He turns his ship around and flies away, laughing.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cokpit. Everyone watches him return to the planet]
 
               
               
                                     SHATNER
                         I wonder, my friends, was he really 
                         such an evil energy gas?
 
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         He did give us eternal youth.

               
                                     KOENIG
                         24-hour Laundromat.

               
                                     TAKEI
                         A full assortment of rum, both spiced 
                         and regular.
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Truly, it was a paradise.

               
                                     FRY
                         And all you had to put up with was one 
                         really annoying Star Trek fan.
 
               
               [The heads catch on.]

               
                                     SHATNER
                         Let's get the hell outta here!

               
               [The ship flies away like at the end of every Star Trek episode.]
 
               
               
               [Closing Credits. A pseudo-Star Trek theme plays over stills 
               from the episode. An additional shot of Kif comes up, parodying 
               the shot from the Star Trek episode The Corbomite Manoeuver.]
 
               
               
               

Where No Fan Has Gone Before



Writers :   David A. Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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