"WHERE NO FAN HAS GONE BEFORE"
David A. Goodman
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Where No Fan Has Gone Before.]
[In the establishing shot, Star Trek-like music plays and the
Planet Express ship flies through space with the trademark warp
nacelles featured in Star Trek attached to it.]
(voice-over) Shatner's log, airdate
[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. The room has been converted to resemble
a court setting. Zapp Brannigan is judge while Bender and Leela
sit with the heads in jars of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy,
George Takei, Walter Koenig, DeForest Kelley and Nichelle Nichols.]
The impossible has happened. It would
take days to recount the events I have
witnessed. So, settle in. It all began--
Quiet, you! This court martial is now
in session. The honourably sexy Zapp
Brannigan residing. Bring in the accused.
[Kif wheels in Fry in the wheelchair used by Captain Pike in
the Star Trek episode The Menagerie. Fry looks paralysed. The
Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of
travelling to the forbidden planet Omega
3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent
death sentences. Do you understand the
[Kif leans over Fry's shoulder.]
One beep for "yes", two beeps for "no".
[Fry beeps once.]
"Yes". So noted. Do you plead guilty?
Double "yes". Guilty! I will now carry
out the punishment. Kif, my gun.
Wait! He plead not guilty.
Order! Order in the court! Very well
then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events
that led you to be guilty.
[Fry beeps in Morse code.]
[Flashback. "A Few Days Earlier".]
[Rent-A-Wreck Video. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg look at
the videos on the shelves.]
The Professor said he was taking a brief
nap, so we only have time for six movies.
[Bender scoops up some videos.]
Lets take these six Jim Carrey movies
and record over them.
You know what movies average out to
be really good? The first six Star Trek
[The rest of the crew gasp, a camera zooms in on Fry and other
(shouting) Everybody hit the deck!
[Everybody falls to the floor.]
(whispering) Sh! Those words are forbidden!
What words? Star Trek?
[A klaxon goes off and a red light flashes.]
Shut your gills!
[A siren is heard from outside.]
That sound! It's patrol car 718! Hide
[Leela and Zoidberg grab Fry and stuff him in Bender's chest
[Cut to: Outside Rent-A-Wreck Video. Leela, Bender and Zoidberg
leave as Smitty and URL pull up and run into the shop without
[Fade to: Ships Cargo Bay. Fry is still beeping.]
The court is intrigued. Perhaps we could
hear more about these forbidden words
from someone with a sexilly seductive
[Nichelle Nichols is about to speak.]
With pleasure. You see, the show was
banned after the Star Trek wars.
You mean after the vast migration of
Star Wars fans?
No, that was the Star Wars trek. By
the 23rd century, Star Trek fandom had
evolved from a loose association of
nerds with skin problems into a full-blown
[On the screen, a service is held at the Church Of Trek.]
And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon
ship where they would be no Tribble
All power to the engines.
As country after country fell under
its influence, world leaders became
threatened by the movements power.
And so the Trekkies were executed in
the manner most befitting virgins.
[On the rim of a volcano two men throw Trekkies into the flames.]
He's dead, Jim! He's dead, Jim! He's
Finally, the sacred texts were banned.
[The episodes are put inside a torpedo casing.]
The last copies of the 79 episodes and
six movies were dumped on the forbidden
world Omega 3. Along with that blooper
reel where the door doesn't close all
[As he speaks a ship that looks like an Eagle from Space 1999
fires the torpedo. It hits the planet like Spock's coffin hit
the Genesis planet in Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan. The video
Thus, Star Trek was forever scoured
from human memory.
Another classic science-fiction show
cancelled before its time.
I've never heard of such a brutal and
shocking injustice that I cared so little
about. Next witness.
Bender the robot, please take the stand.
[Fry steps out of the wheelchair, perfectly healthy.]
She's all yours, buddy!
[Bender gets in.]
I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once,
but I knew he was up to no good.
Please use the beeps.
[Bender grumbles and starts to beep.]
[Fade to: Head Museum. Fry runs into the 20th century room.]
Mr. Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard
what happened centuries ago. I can't
believe your show was banned.
I have absolutely no idea what you're
[A camera tracks Fry but he ignores it.]
You know? 1966? 79 episodes, about 30
Oh, really, I've done too many things
to remember one particular TV series.
But if-if you want to discuss my books
Come on! Remember that episode where
you go high on spores and smacked Kirk
No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one
man show about Vincent van Spock-- Uh,
uh, I mean van Gogh! Damn!
Aha! You can't escape it!
(crying) Oh, you're right, I can't.
Uh, jeez, don't get upset. I mean, OK
I outwitted you, but--
(crying) No, it's my fellow cast members.
300 years ago they left Earth behind.
[Flashback ... again.]
[Fade to: Launch Pad. Star Trek cast members' heads in jars are
loaded into a rocket.]
This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore,
Bill, you are, and always shall be,
my friend. But I just signed a six-month
lease on my apartment. I can't walk
away from a commitment like that.
Very well, my friend.
[His jar is loaded into the rocket. The rocket blasts off leaving
[Fade to: Head Museum. Nimoy sobs.]
(crying) Why did the world turn its
back on our obvious greatness?
I'm literally angry with rage! Your
co-stars may be gone but we can still
get those episode tapes back for the
whole world to see. Come on!
[He grabs Nimoy's jar from the shelf, tucks it under his arm
and runs out. Jonathan Frakes' jar hops forward.]
Yes! Front row!
[Ships Cockpit. The ship is in the hangar and Fry starts to power
You can't go to Omega 3; It's forbidden!
I forbid you!
But we have to! The world needs Star
Trek to give people hope for the future.
But it's set 800 years in the past!
Yeah, why is this so important to you?
'Cause it-it taught me so much. Like
how you should accept people, whether
they be black, white, Klingon or even
female. But most importantly, when I
didn't have any friends, it made me
feel like maybe I did.
Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I
guess I can't let you go alone.
I'll go too, with Leonard's permission,
[The ship flies into a solar system.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
We're entering the Omega system.
[An alarm goes off.]
Warning: You are now in forbidden space.
Forbidden shmer-shmidden! What are they
gonna do, write a letter? (sarcastic)
Ooh, I'm so scared!
[The ship shakes and another alarms goes off.]
I've lost control of the ship!
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship hits the surface, flips over
and lands upside down. The crew get out, Fry carrying Nimoy.
Bender lights a cigar and Leela gasps.]
[They look around in amazement. There are Star Trek props and
It's all stuff from that forbidden show.
So many cardboard sets, so many memories.
If only the others--
I guess that's my cue.
[He steps out of the "Guardian of Forever" prop with a body and
wearing a yellow Star Trek uniform.]
(laughing) Hey! This is wonderful!
I feel like hugging you.
Well I would except you have no body!
And we're both men.
[Nichelle Nichols steps out, also with a body. She is followed
by the other actors.]
Nichelle! George! Walter! DeForest!
We did some musical reunion specials
in the 2200's but the guy who played
Scotty had trouble yodelling.
Ever since then, Welshy has been a welcome
participant in our escapades.
[Welshy says something in Welsh.]
I can't believe it! How'd you all end
We were on our way to Welshy's cousin's
house to stay in the guest room when
our ship was pulled down to this planet
and crashed, just like yours.
When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Say it in Russian!
Ven ve voke up ve had these wodies.
Now say "nuclear wessels"!
You'll love it here. Everything is provided
for us. And we never age. Check out
[He rips his shirt revealing his body.]
But who's doing all this for you?
You know, we never thought about it.
We're famous celebrities -- we're used
to this sort of treatment.
[A deep, booming voice interrupts them.]
It is I!
[Everyone gasps and looks up. Above them is a hovering, green
Whoa! What a cheesy effect!
I am not an effect! You doubt my power?
[Melllvar zaps Welshy with a bolt of lightning and he falls over.]
[Fry runs to him and holds him.]
[Ships Cargo Bay.]
This court will now hear some very sensual
testimony from this court's ex-lover,
[Leela is already in the wheelchair.]
[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface. The flashback continues from earlier.]
Behold another power, different from
the one you saw earlier.
[Melllvar floats over Nimoy's jar and gives him a body and a
Hey! A body! Buff, tan. Yeah, this is
Alright, you gas, what's the deal?
Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures
of the Enterprise crew rained down upon
my planet. Over and over, I watched
them. Especially the five with the energy
beings. I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes,
knower of the episodes! Tremble before
my encyclopaedic knowledge of Star Trek!
Tremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more
about Star Trek than me!
I beg to differ. Long have I waited
for the one who played Spock. At last,
we can begin.
[A banner reading "Welcome To Trekfest 3002" appears behind him,
hanging from a prop.]
Cool! A Star Trek convention!
Uh, Melllvar, can you give us some idea
of how long this is going to last?
Until time stops.
He can't do this!
You can't be serious!
Now, we have a full schedule of events--
Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?
No, you have to stay even longer.
[Bender and Koenig groan.]
[Time Lapse. The actors sit at a long table for autographs. Nimoy
snores. Melllvar gets Takei's autograph and Fry stands behind
Um, uh, sign it to Melllvar. "Melllvar"
has three "L's".
I think I've done enough conventions
to know how to spell "Melllvar".
[Time Lapse. The cast and Melllvar are standing in front of a
backdrop having their photo taken by Bender.]
[Time Lapse. Shatner is on a stage spoken-wording Eminem's The
Real Slim Shady.]
(spoken-word) I'm Slim Shady,
Yes, I'm the real Shady,
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating,
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,
Please stand up,
Please stand up.
How can you do a spoken-word version
of a rap song?
He found a way.
[Time Lapse. Fry and Melllvar are playing "Ambassador Sarek's
Trivia Challenge" with Leela as questionmaster. Fry has 500 points
and Melllvar has 300.]
For one hundred quatloos: Who did the
captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?
[Shatner leaps up.]
Uh ... Khan?
[Fry's score goes up to 600.]
My button has broken. The trivia contest
has ended. I-I now have a surprise.
You will perform a fan script, written
by the ultimate Trek fan.
You have my fan script?
I meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate
(smug) Oh, I was confused because the
scoreboard says something different.
Trivia contest over! Take your scripts!
We have limited rehearsal time. Now,
I didn't make enough copies of the script
so George and Walter will have to share.
[Takei reluctantly shares.]
Uh, you probably don't want us to see
you rehearsing, or it'll give away the
That's right! The ending must not be
We'll go wait in the ship.
Not 'til I get my 600 quatloos!
[Leela and Bender grab Fry and pull him away.]
[Ships Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet.]
This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned
I dunno, I'm feeling pretty good about
I didn't wanna leave them either, Fry,
but what are we supposed to do?
Well, usually on the show someone would
come up with a complicated plan then
explain it with a simple analogy.
Hmm. If we can re-route engine power
through the primary weapons and reconfigure
them to Melllvar's frequency, that should
overload his electro-quantum structure.
Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Of course! It's so simple!
[The ship turns around and heads back to the planet.]
[Omega 3 Surface. The cast are on the set of the Enterprise bridge
rehearsing with their scripts.]
(reading) Alas, my ship, whom I love
like a woman, is .. .disabled. Oh,
(reading) Fascinating, captain, and
logical too. Yet we need some help.
(reading) Look, captain, Melllvar will
[He turns around and points to the door. It eventually opens
and Melllvar floats through.]
(reading) Keptin, I wope he will welp
our ... vessel.
Wessel! You're not acting hard enough!
Melllvar, you have to respect your actors.
When I directed Star Trek IV I got a
magnificent performance out of Bill
because I respected him so much.
And when I directed Star Trek V I got
a magnificent performance out of me,
because I respected me so much!
[The other actors roll their eyes.]
[Ships Jeffries Tube. Bender welds something in the Planet Express
ships equivalent to Scotty's tube.]
(shouting) OK! I'm done re-kafoobling
the energy motron ... or, whatever.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
[She pauses then presses the "FIRE!" button on the control panel
[Orange phaser beams diverge from the ship.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The fan script performance continues.]
(reading) My, what a handsome energy
creature you are. I love you. Hey,
you wrote it!
[Melllvar grows in size and the actors step backwards.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship shakes. Fry gets the obligatory
console exploding in his face like in Star Trek. Smoke comes
out of machinery and sparks fly.]
Its not working! He's drawing straight
from our weapons.
Like a balloon and ... something bad
[Melllvar turns into a giant green hand à la Apollo in the Star
Trek episode Who Mourns For Adonis?.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela scream.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship backs away. The hand grabs and
pulls it back down to the planet.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship crashes and the engine falls
off. The crew crawl out from underneath.]
[Melllvar and the Star Trek actors are nearby.]
So, uh, how's rehearsal going?
Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch
of actors while you, a crew of genuine
space heroes, risked your lives to save
Hey! We've done heroic things too.
Yeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner!
Silence! My whole world has turned upside-down.
I have but one option.
Keep them and let us go?
No! To determine who is more worthy
of my fanatical devotion I shall pit
you together against each other in armed
combat ... To the death!
Where'd you get an idiotic idea like
Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77.
Great list. Except, you forgot episode
I was getting to that one!
[He zaps Welshy's corpse and it explodes.]
[Ships Cargo Bay.]
So Melllvar ordered a battle to the
death. I assume no one survived.
Can we get on with this? My foot's getting
[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface.]
This will be your standard battle to
the death. The only weapons: Whatever
you can find. But I warn you, do nothing
until I have signalled the start of
combat. OK, start.
[The Star Trek cast and Planet Express crew run off in different
[Time Lapse. The actors hide behind a covered wagon on a Western
set. A tumbleweed blows by. Shatner rips his shirt.]
I don't have much experience at fighting--
Except with you guys.
I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode
where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
You mean Doohan?
[They both laugh and high five.]
Whoever it was, I did it like this.
[He takes a boot off and throws it at Takei's face.]
My foot's cold!
[By the "Guardian of Forever" prop, Leela drops a pile of sticks
next to Fry.]
There, we can make these into spears.
And we can tie these caterpillars together
to make bow strings for bows and arrows.
And we can use this machine gun to shoot
them! Yee-haw! That was fun!
[On a rock-face, the actors separate. Shatner, Nichols and Takei
remain. Shatner holds a bamboo stick.]
What if I distract them with my famous
Oh, that's good, good, good, good. And
then, George, you give them a karate
I find that offensive. Just because
I'm of Japanese ancestry you assume
I know karate. Have I ever led you to
believe I've studied karate?
Well, no, but you never talk about yourself.
(sadly) Maybe if you showed a little
[Elsewhere, Fry tries out his bow and arrow.]
Well, here goes nothing.
[He tries to fire the arrow but the bow breaks and the caterpillars
crawl all over his face. He falls over. Nichols appears from
behind some rocks and does the fan dance from Star Trek V.]
(sexfully) Hello, boys!
[She dances. Bender zooms in.]
[Takei sneaks up behind him and chops him on the shoulder.]
[Bender screams. On a cliff, Leela and Shatner edge their way
around a rock, facing opposite directions. They bump into each
other and turn around. Leela screams and Shatner gasps.]
There's no right way to hit a woman.
Then do it the wrong way.
[He kicks her and knocks her down. She gets back up.]
Is that all you've got? Hi-yah!
[She does a roundhouse on him and hits him in the eye. He groans
and raises his fists, ready to hit her.]
See you in h--
[Leela hits him in the face. He hits back and she dodges his
punch and kicks him in the chest. He flies back and hits the
ground. She jumps on him and repeatedly hits him in the face.
Fry fights DeForest Kelley while Bender takes on Nimoy, Koenig
Come on, Walter!
[He hits Bender with a stick. Fry pushes Kelley away and Nichols
cartwheels onto him, yelling. She locks his head between her
thighs and pulls his hair.]
Let's see if this actually works! Hm.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! My face too!
[Shatner and Leela are both down. Shatner gets up and offers
her his hand.]
May I? Oh!
[She picks up a rock and holds it over him.]
[Shatner holds out his hand.]
Leela, please. This is exactly what
Melllvar wants. We're just pawns in
his diabolical game of checkers. Can't
we resolve our differences some other
[A bigger pink energy cloud wearing ugly glasses appears next
Melllvar! Dinner time!
Aw, but Mom, I'm playing with my collectables!
[Melllvar groans and disappears.]
All this time we thought he was a powerful
super-being, yet he was just a child.
He's not a child, he's 34!
Alright, Koenig, I've wanted to do this
[He grabs him by his shirt and holds up his fist. Fry grabs his
Bender, wait! This is our chance to
escape, before Melllvar comes back.
But we all need to work together.
[Time Lapse. They run onto the cliff and find Leela and Shatner
making out. Shatner rubs Leela's back.]
I love you so much!
[Nimoy clears his throat.]
[They both look up.]
We've decided to work together.
Uh, so did they.
[Shatner gets up and elbows Nimoy.]
Now, how do we escape?
We can't use our ship; We have life
support but the engines are wrecked.
Ironic Because our engines work but
our life support systems don't.
Hey, if your engines work--
And your life support systems work--
Stop! You're just goin' around in circles!
(to himself) Think, Fry, think! Everyone's
depending on you.
[Time Lapse: Takei and Leela finish welding warp nacelles onto
the hull of the Planet Express ship.]
[Time Lapse. The ship takes off but stalls and falls.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
We're too heavy. You guys need to lose
some weight, fast!
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The side door of the ship opens and
the decapitated bodies of the Star Trek cast are thrown out.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The actors heads are in jars. Fry wheels
in the video case.]
Look, Leonard, we're light enough to
keep the tapes! Isn't that great?
I'm living in a gefilte fish jar.
[The ship flies away from the planet.]
We did it!
[Behind the ship, another ship de-cloaks. There is the sound
of Melllvar laughing and the ship shoots at the Planet Express
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Melllvar's got a spaceship!
Yes, in mint condition. And you made
me take it out of the package!
[He shoots at them some more. The ship approaches a familiar
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
The Nimbus! We're saved!
[A screen comes down from above Leela's head.]
You're under arrest. Prepare to be
[Ships Cargo Bay.]
So I boarded you, eh. What happened
You started this stupid court martial.
Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting
[Melllvar strafes the ship.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone runs in.]
[Leela turns the ship around, back the way they came. Melllvar
follows, shooting more.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone falls over.]
One more hit and we're done for!
Let's take 'em out with us. Do you guys
have a self-destruct code? Like "destruct
sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3--"
[Bender's head explodes, leaving some wires, coils and his mouth
poking out of his body.]
Thanks a lot, Takei, now everybody knows!
If I can't have the original cast of
Star Trek, no one will! Prepare to die!
Wait! If they mean that much to you,
why do you wanna kill them?
Because I ... I ... I dunno what I'd
do without them.
Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be
your whole life. You can do anything
you want. Look at Walter Koenig: After
Star Trek, he became an actor.
Not just an actor, but a well-rounded
person, with my own friends and credit
cards and keys.
Well, I guess I could move out of my
parents' basement ... maybe get a temp
Whoa, whoa! One step at a time.
I thank you, Fry. You know, you and
I are of a kind. In a different reality
I could have called you "friend".
Episode 10, Balance Of Terror.
More like episode nine, loser! In your
face! Victory is mine!
[He turns his ship around and flies away, laughing.]
[Cut to: Ships Cokpit. Everyone watches him return to the planet]
I wonder, my friends, was he really
such an evil energy gas?
He did give us eternal youth.
A full assortment of rum, both spiced
Truly, it was a paradise.
And all you had to put up with was one
really annoying Star Trek fan.
[The heads catch on.]
Let's get the hell outta here!
[The ship flies away like at the end of every Star Trek episode.]
[Closing Credits. A pseudo-Star Trek theme plays over stills
from the episode. An additional shot of Kif comes up, parodying
the shot from the Star Trek episode The Corbomite Manoeuver.]