"WHERE THE BUGGALO ROAM"
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Krafted With Luv By Monsters.]
[The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars ("Mightiest of Planets")
and lands just outside Wong Ranch (You've Come To The Wong Place).]
[The Wongs' Porch. The entire Planet Express staff are there.
Leela rings the doorbell and Mr. Wong slides a peephole across
(from inside) Yes?
Hi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers.
(from inside) Open up, Leo. It's Amy
and her weirdos.
[He opens the door.]
Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!
[The Wongs' Entrance Room. The staff look around the house.]
Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr.
Wong. I've never been to a Mars Day
Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth
Day. Dump trash wherever you want! Big,
OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is
holding a green bottle.]
Don't mind if I already did. By the
way, do you have anymore of this Dom
Perignon bubble bath? There was only
enough to fill the tub halfway.
[Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]
[Wong Ranch. The Wongs and the staff pass a field where a man
is rolling out fully-grown corn.]
This is quite a large ranch you have.
17.9 billion acres. We own entire western
hemisphere. (whispering) That the best
It's the same on Earth.
[They all look over a fence at a herd of buggalo.]
Here is most number one product of all:
The mighty buggalo. They used for everything;
Meat, milk and their shells make good
[He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]
(shouting) I broke your television.
Mon, it must take forever to brand all
Not really. We own so much stuff, it
easier just to brand everything that
[He brands Hermes' briefcase with "Not Property Of Wongs" brand.]
Please don't do that.
[Amy leaps over a fence to another buggalo. It is surrounded
with cushy things and has a ribbon around its neck.]
Betsy! This is my sweet, little Betsy.
I raised her from a larva that ate one
of my sweaters.
Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going
to eat her at Amy's wedding. If she
ever get married!
Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things
like that when you meet my boyfriend
Oh, that right. We finally get to spend
some time with this Mr. Kif.
I just hope he's a nice man who can
make us lot of grandchildren. This not
some parallel universe where you getting
[Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus is orbiting Mars. Zapp and Kif talk.
Near them is a photo of Amy.]
Now, remember, Kif: The quickest way
to a girl's bed is through her parents.
Have sex with them and you're in.
Actually, sir, I'm, I'm a little nervous
about meeting her family.
Well that's natural. After all you're
meek and uninteresting. Until now you've
gotten by on my left-over charisma,
scrounging off it like a tiny charisma
I just hope they like me.
And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know.
Tiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me
your tedious life story, Kif. And above
all have fun!
[Outside Wongs' House. Lots of people have gathered at the ranch
for country music and barbecued buggalo on Mars Day. The DJ scratches
some country music.]
Yeah, yeah, get on down! Oh, yeah!
Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla
Yo, fool! It's Mixmaster Festus!
[Mr. Wong puts more buggalo meat on the barbecue. A Pepto-Bismol
tanker pulls up next to a BBQ Sauce tanker and unloads. Fry sets
his plate of buggalo down on a barrel and pumps some Pepto-Bismol
onto it. He picks it up and walks over to the barbecue.]
So what's Mars Day about, anyway?
It commemorate the day centuries ago
when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong,
bought Mars from stupid natives.
How can you call the Native Martians
They sell whole planet for one bead.
Sound stupid to me!
[He, Mrs. Wong and Fry laugh.]
That is stupid!
I can't believe you're laughing at the
tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving
Lighten up, Leela. It's funny!
Of course it is. But you don't have
[Amy and Kif stand by the buffet. Amy kisses him and he is startled.]
Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet!
Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come
back to the country. It's where the
[Amy hugs him.]
RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.
This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby.
Oh, I don't--
[RJ puts one in Kif's mouth and he coughs.]
I haven't even lit it yet!
[He lights it.]
Oh. Is it lit now?
Yep. You're pathetic!
[Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]
Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful
You here five hours and already you
tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless
painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
Not bad for a city boy, huh? By the
way, I took the liberty of fertilising
[Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender
pours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass
on top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck
and stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif
stammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]
Just relax. I'm sure my parents will
You don't understand. When I get nervous,
I can't control my camouflage reflex.
Oh, dear! Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and
[Fry refills at the barbecue.]
I'll have a thorax and some feelers.
You want some salad with that?
[Amy and Kif arrive.]
Mom? Dad? You remember Kif?
This your boyfriend? I have instant
dislike of him!
He too scrawny to father grandchildren.
He's not scrawny, he's just small-boned.
Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported
by a system of fluid-filled bladders
Yes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy
should be dating real man. Like him!
[He points to RJ over by a campfire.]
I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh,
light up a smoke.
[He takes out a cigarette and lights it.]
(whispering) Wrong way!
[He chokes, turns pale and collapses.]
[Wong Ranch. Kif and Amy lean over a fence and watch the grazing
Look on the bright side: My parents
left after you passed out so they didn't
even see you barf.
Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly
enough to date their daughter.
It's OK, Kif. I'll go get you a tissue
from your tote.
[She walks off. RJ puts his hand on her shoulder and stops her.]
Hey there, Amy. Like you to meet my
[Enter Joe Camel.]
Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long
at the jazz club!
Kids love him!
[Kif watches Amy laugh and growls.]
[Cut to: Outside Wong House. A loud noise that sounds like a
very long "omm" comes into earshot.]
What's that weird sound?
[The noise gets louder. Wind blows down the "Happy Mars Day"
Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody
into house. Hurry, before we die. And
wipe your damn feet!
[The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is inside. Mrs. Wong looks out of
Phew! Everyone OK? No-one considering
Hmm. I might have mental anguish.
I'll have you know I'm friends with
every judge on planet.
I'm OK then.
Storm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo
herd is OK.
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Mr. Wong opens the door and looks
across at the cattle. A tornado sweeps across the ranch, taking
the buggalo with it. Everyone gasps.]
[Cut to: The Wongs' Lounge.]
What happened to the buggalo?
[Mrs. Wong comes running.]
They been rustled under cover of storm.
[Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]
[They push him away.]
Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK.
Oh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye?
Lobster mooch? Drunken garbage can?
This sounds like a job for--
Lieutenant Kif Kroker!
[He sits down and munches some crisps.]
[Time Lapse. The other guests have left.]
Aye-ah! Those buggalo are what made
Wong family so rich and powerful. Oh,
Inez, with them stolen, we ruined!
OK. I want a divorce.
[Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]
Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
They're not your parents, I'm not your
sister and that's not your golf cart.
[He reverses the golf cart away.]
Everybody just calm down. Kif promised
he'd catch the rustlers.
[Enter Kif in cowboy gear.]
Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief
I could borrow?
My plan is to take all the remaining
buggalo and lead them on a rough, tough
cattle drive. Then, when the rustlers
attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest!
It sounds dangerous. Someone could get
killed. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you
to go with him.
[Leela sighs. Bender mocks Farnsworth.]
Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll
get your cattle back or die trying.
Hey, we can't lose!
No, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have
to do this to prove your manliness.
Oh, yes he does!
[Wong Ranch. RJ leads some things towards Kif.]
Here are your mounts!
[Leela rubs one of the things and it makes a squelching noise.]
She's got a fine coat.
Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers.
How many are left?
You're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only
one left. She was curled up in my hamper
when the storm hit. Aw, she likes you!
Saddle up, men. We got some no good
rustlers to ... catch!
[Mars Surface. Kif, Leela and Fry ride ahead while Bender sits
on a wagon playing a banjo and singing a Bonanza-like tune.]
We've got a right to pick a little fight
Somebody wants to pick a fight with us,
He'd better bite my ass!
Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons. The
tallest volcano in the solar system.
Right in front of you.
We'll camp near the top. The rustlers
will be sure to spot us there.
[Olympus Mons. The party have set up camp for the night. Bender
tells a ghost story around the campfire.]
And even thought the computer was off
and unplugged, an image stayed on the
screen. It was ... the Windows logo!
Pfft, that's not scary!
It is if you're a laser printer.
OK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once,
there was this woman driving--
Hook on the hand!
OK, I've got one. This family--
Man in the attic!
Fine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally,
you tell a story!
With pleasure. (spookily) Once, not
far from here, four people set out on
a cattle drive--
(speaking fast) Robot gets bored and
kills Fry with a hammer! (normal) Sorry,
[Time Lapse. Someone peers through the bushes.]
And then, while they sat helplessly
around the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding
escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant
snuck up and--
(from bushes) Surprise!
[Fry, Bender, Kif and Leela scream. Amy comes out of the bushes.]
Amy? What are you doing here?
I forgot to give you something before
[Amy kisses him and his camouflage kicks in.]
Is that your camouflage reflex or are
you just happy to see me?
[Time Lapse. Amy and Kif are lying down at the top of the mountain
looking at the stars.]
I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly.
I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of
course, I tell no one my feelings.
But you still have them, right?
Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until
I can write them in my diary.
Ah, it's a wonderful night.
It sure is. I could just lie here beside
you staring at the sky all night.
I can't! What's that?
Maybe we just made love.
[Amy and Kif look over the rim of the volcano and into the crater.]
The buggalo! They're in the crater.
The rustlers must have seen me coming
and run off, scared.
Oh, Kif! You're so brave!
(nervous) Sh! They'll hear us!
[Time Lapse. The next morning. Kif pulls a wire from a mineshaft
on the side of the volcano.]
OK, the dynamite's in place.
Are you sure there's no other way to
get the buggalo out?
Not unless your parents have thousands
of helicopters at their disposal.
Too late! This is more fun!
[He detonates the dynamite and the buggalo are blown out of the
crater. They roll down the side of the volcano.]
Kif! You did it! But how did you know
the dynamite would work?
I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens
from a sand dune. The principle is essentially
[The noise returns.]
Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound
[Dust flies up and the tornado blows towards them.]
(shouting) Sandstorm! We're in the
eye of the storm!
[There is a buzzing noise. Three Martians come through the tornado,
riding flying buggalo. They have blue-grey skin and the tops
of their heads look like Native American headgear has been fused
to their head. Amy screams.]
Who are they?
[The lead Martian, Singing Wind, raises his hand.]
Fehk! We are the Native Martians.
[Everyone except Fry gasps. After a late reaction, he also gasps.]
Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly.
Only those who revere Mother Mars can
fly buggalo. And only they shall have
buggalo. And they're us.
But your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo
aren't yours. They belong to the Wong
You mean family that took all Martian
land and gave us one lousy bead?
Uh-huh! Amy Wong. And you are?
Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin
them by stealing buggalo. But now we
take girl instead.
[Two other Martians pick up Amy and they fly away.]
Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
[The Martians fly away.]
Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other
beautiful, rich girl will fall in love
[Bender laughs and Kif cries.]
[Wong Ranch. The buggalo are returned and Kif closes the gate
Hooray! You bring back cattle.
Yes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got
some bad news as well.
Let Amy tell us. That way it soften
the blow. Why Amy being so quiet?
Um ... well, um ... that is, um...
[A smaller tornado whips by and drops a piece of paper in front
of Mr. Wong. He picks up.]
Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! I know
it them 'cause they no use good grammar.
I'll get your daughter back, sir. I
Forget it, squishy. You the one lose
her in first place. You done enough.
Yeah. This time we get most decorated
law man in the whole universe!
You mean--? Oh, no, please. I beg you!
Oh, for the love of--
[The Wongs' Lounge. The law man has arrived.]
I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan,
at your service!
Please, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go
get our daughter back.
Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess.
I shall go bargain with the Martian's
personally. Your gasps intrigue me.
Martians have no land. They been gently
encouraged to live on reservation deep
underground. No-one ever dare go there.
This mission is incredibly dangerous.
Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela,
Damn you, old man!
[Mars Surface. Zapp, Kif, Leela, Fry and Bender trek across the
desert again. Betsy catches up with them and rubs against Kif.]
Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif!
I didn't realise you were bringing your
[He sniggers and Kif sighs.]
She won't leave me alone.
Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more
like a wife!
[There is silence. A tumbleweed blows by.]
[Time Lapse. They reach a cliff and look over the edge.]
Behold: The Great Stone Face of Mars.
The only known entrance to the Martian
What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?
Well, yeah, but it's way over the other
side of the planet.
[Time Lapse. They prepare to walk through one of the nostrils.]
[Cut to: Martian Reservation. The nose begins to get darker.
They mumble. They are surrounded by torches. They gasp. It gets
lighter and they see they are surrounded by Martians with bows
and laser-arrows. Singing Wind walks in.]
Fehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the
Take me to your leader.
[The Martians stare blankly at him.]
Moving along. Why you trespass on our
We come to negotiate the release of
Amy Wong. And just to clarify: Land
is the stuff that has sky over it.
[He drinks from a Slurm can and throws it down. A Martian cries
à la the Native American in those American public service advertisements.]
They have such respect for the planet.
Cynthia used to drink Slurm.
[Singing Wind claps and Martians come in holding Amy.]
We will give back girl when we get back
How do we even know she's alive?
Sh! You're weakening our bargaining
position. How about instead you give
us the girl and we carve a bunch of
our presidents into your sacred mountain?
You waste words. We want return of land
that was taken from us.
Uh, actually you traded it for a bead.
Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse.
We want land back!
Chief, my people are a people of law.
And that law is ... ... no backsies!
The time for stupid statements is over!
[He and the other Martians make the "omm" noise. The dust picks
[Cut to: Mars Surface. The Great Stone Face's mouth opens and
the tornado blows the sand away, revealing a Great Stone Body.]
[Cut to: Martian Reservation. Dust blows in Leela's face.]
Ow, ow, ow, ow! My eye!
[She puts in some eye drops.]
[Mars University. The tornado blows down the "Knowledge Brings
Fear" sign and strips away the Martian statue to a skeleton.]
[Wong Ranch. Zoidberg looks out the window.]
Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!
[Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]
[Martian Reservation. Singing Wind gives a signal and the tornado
sucks up Amy.]
Amy, no! It's too windy! Stay calm,
dearest! I'll save you!
[He flies Betsy into the tornado.]
Kif! You're flying Betsy!
Need a lift?
[Amy grabs hold of his face and stretches it.]
Great Mother Mars! He has the gift!
[He gives a signal and the Martians stop making the noise and
the tornado dies away. Kif lands Betsy. Zapp, Leela, Fry and
Kroker, that was one Brannigan-esque
feat of heroism!
We have misjudged you, green one. You
fly the buggalo like us. You have true
reverence for Mother Mars. Let there
be peace between us.
Yes. Let us smoke on peace pipe.
[Martian Tent. Singing Wind smokes the pipe and passes it to
Ooh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch.
You must smoke peace pipe. And you must
do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.
Well it's just really that I don't feel
Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers
all smoke and they seem pretty on the
[Kif takes a puff and everyone cheers.]
Way to suck it!
Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest!
Oh, monkey trumpets!
[Martian Torture Chamber. Kif is held down on a rack with rope.]
You have coughed at our offer of peace.
So you must die!
The very bead used to crush our dreams
shall be used to crush your bones.
Well, actually, I don't have bones.
I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled
[The Martians ignore him and turn away. The roof opens and Kif
screams. The bead is lowered in and he whimpers.]
Wait. That's the bead you traded your
It's a gigantic diamond! That thing
must be worth a fortune.
[The diamond stops and Kif sighs. Bender takes a look at the
diamond through an eye glass and stutters.]
Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest
girl in the world!
[He hugs Singing Wind and he immediately pushes him away.]
Y'know, if you still want your land,
we could just trade back for it.
Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless.
We assumed our ancestors were cheated
because they not have concept of ownership.
So we can have the diamond?
No. We do have concept of ownership.
You are free to go. Sorry about all
the rustling and kidnapping.
But what about your sacred land?
Land shmand! We don't wanna live on
this planet. It's a dump. We'll buy
new planet and act like it's sacred.
With cash like this, who's going to
argue? Nobody, that's who!
[The Martian ships fly away from Mars with the diamond in tow.]
[The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is back.]
Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from
the tornado and made peace with the
Please! He too much of a wimp.
Yeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan
Please, you give me too little credit.
Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome
here at Rancho Zoidberg!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his
head on a post and scoffs.]
Money doesn't make good people, no siree!
[Time Lapse. Later that night, Amy comes out onto the porch.
Kif is sat on the porch swing.]
Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're
Oh, you're kind. But your parents still
don't like me.
Well globviously! But if they liked
you then I wouldn't. Don't you know
anything about girls?
[They kiss. The buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets
up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]
Dear diary, I just made love for the
[He closes his diary and hugs it.]
Where The Buggalo Roam
Writers : J. Stewart Burns
Genres : Animation Comedy