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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 406

                                "WHERE THE BUGGALO ROAM"

                                           By

                                    J. Stewart Burns

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Krafted With Luv By Monsters.]

               
               [The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars ("Mightiest of Planets") 
               and lands just outside Wong Ranch (You've Come To The Wong Place).]
 
               
               
               [The Wongs' Porch. The entire Planet Express staff are there. 
               Leela rings the doorbell and Mr. Wong slides a peephole across 
               the door.]
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         (from inside) Yes?

               
                                     AMY
                         Hi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers.
 
                         
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         (from inside) Open up, Leo. It's Amy 
                         and her weirdos.
 
               
               [He opens the door.]

               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!

               
               [The Wongs' Entrance Room. The staff look around the house.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr. 
                         Wong. I've never been to a Mars Day 
                         barbecue.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth 
                         Day. Dump trash wherever you want! Big, 
                         empty planet!
 
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is 
               holding a green bottle.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Don't mind if I already did. By the 
                         way, do you have anymore of this Dom 
                         Perignon bubble bath? There was only 
                         enough to fill the tub halfway.
 
               
               [Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]

               
               [Wong Ranch. The Wongs and the staff pass a field where a man 
               is rolling out fully-grown corn.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This is quite a large ranch you have.
 
                         
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         17.9 billion acres. We own entire western 
                         hemisphere. (whispering) That the best 
                         hemisphere!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's the same on Earth.

               
               [They all look over a fence at a herd of buggalo.]

               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Here is most number one product of all: 
                         The mighty buggalo. They used for everything; 
                         Meat, milk and their shells make good 
                         row boat.
 
               
               [He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) I broke your television.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Mon, it must take forever to brand all 
                         those cattle.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Not really. We own so much stuff, it 
                         easier just to brand everything that 
                         not ours.
 
               
               [He brands Hermes' briefcase with "Not Property Of Wongs" brand.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Please don't do that.

               
               [Amy leaps over a fence to another buggalo. It is surrounded 
               with cushy things and has a ribbon around its neck.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Betsy!  This is my sweet, little Betsy. 
                         I raised her from a larva that ate one 
                         of my sweaters.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going 
                         to eat her at Amy's wedding. If she 
                         ever get married!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things 
                         like that when you meet my boyfriend 
                         tonight.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Oh, that right. We finally get to spend 
                         some time with this Mr. Kif.
 
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         I just hope he's a nice man who can 
                         make us lot of grandchildren. This not 
                         some parallel universe where you getting 
                         any younger.
 
               
               [Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus is orbiting Mars. Zapp and Kif talk. 
               Near them is a photo of Amy.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Now, remember, Kif: The quickest way 
                         to a girl's bed is through her parents. 
                         Have sex with them and you're in.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Actually, sir, I'm, I'm a little nervous 
                         about meeting her family.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well that's natural. After all you're 
                         meek and uninteresting. Until now you've 
                         gotten by on my left-over charisma, 
                         scrounging off it like a tiny charisma 
                         parasite.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I just hope they like me.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know. 
                         Tiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me 
                         your tedious life story, Kif. And above 
                         all have fun!
 
               
               [Outside Wongs' House. Lots of people have gathered at the ranch 
               for country music and barbecued buggalo on Mars Day. The DJ scratches 
               some country music.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, yeah, get on down!  Oh, yeah! 
                         Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla 
                         Corn!
 
               
                                     DJ
                         Yo, fool! It's Mixmaster Festus!

               
               [Mr. Wong puts more buggalo meat on the barbecue. A Pepto-Bismol 
               tanker pulls up next to a BBQ Sauce tanker and unloads. Fry sets 
               his plate of buggalo down on a barrel and pumps some Pepto-Bismol 
               onto it. He picks it up and walks over to the barbecue.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So what's Mars Day about, anyway?

               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         It commemorate the day centuries ago 
                         when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong, 
                         bought Mars from stupid natives.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         How can you call the Native Martians 
                         "stupid"?
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         They sell whole planet for one bead. 
                         Sound stupid to me!
 
               
               [He, Mrs. Wong and Fry laugh.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That is stupid!

               
                                     LEELA
                         I can't believe you're laughing at the 
                         tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving 
                         people.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Lighten up, Leela. It's funny!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Of course it is. But you don't have 
                         to laugh!
 
               
               [Amy and Kif stand by the buffet. Amy kisses him and he is startled.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet!
 
                         
               
                                     RJ
                         Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come 
                         back to the country. It's where the 
                         flavour is.
 
               
               [Amy hugs him.]

               
                                     AMY
                         RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.

               
                                     RJ
                         This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby. 
                          Cigarette, partner?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, I don't--

               
               [RJ puts one in Kif's mouth and he coughs.]

               
                                     RJ
                         I haven't even lit it yet!

               
               [He lights it.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh. Is it lit now?

               
                                     RJ
                         Yep.  You're pathetic!

               
               [Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful 
                         time!
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         You here five hours and already you 
                         tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless 
                         painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                          Not bad for a city boy, huh?  By the 
                         way, I took the liberty of fertilising 
                         your caviar.
 
               
               [Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender 
               pours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass 
               on top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck 
               and stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif 
               stammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Just relax. I'm sure my parents will 
                         love you.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         You don't understand. When I get nervous, 
                         I can't control my camouflage reflex. 
                          Oh, dear!  Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and 
                         bodkins!
 
               
               [Fry refills at the barbecue.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll have a thorax and some feelers.
 
                         
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         You want some salad with that?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yuck!

               
               [Amy and Kif arrive.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Mom? Dad? You remember Kif?

               
                                     MR. WONG
                         This your boyfriend? I have instant 
                         dislike of him!
 
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         He too scrawny to father grandchildren.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         He's not scrawny, he's just small-boned.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported 
                         by a system of fluid-filled bladders 
                         that--
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Yes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy 
                         should be dating real man. Like him!
 
                         
               
               [He points to RJ over by a campfire.]

               
                                     KIF
                         I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh, 
                         light up a smoke.
 
               
               [He takes out a cigarette and lights it.]

               
                                     AMY
                         (whispering) Wrong way!

               
               [Kif drags.]

               
                                     KIF
                         (wheezy) Smooth!

               
               [He chokes, turns pale and collapses.]

               
               [Wong Ranch. Kif and Amy lean over a fence and watch the grazing 
               cattle.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Look on the bright side: My parents 
                         left after you passed out so they didn't 
                         even see you barf.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly 
                         enough to date their daughter.
 
               
               [He sobs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         It's OK, Kif.  I'll go get you a tissue 
                         from your tote.
 
               
               [She walks off. RJ puts his hand on her shoulder and stops her.]
 
               
               
                                     RJ
                         Hey there, Amy. Like you to meet my 
                         buddy, Joe.
 
               
               [Enter Joe Camel.]

               
                                     JOE
                         Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long 
                         at the jazz club!
 
               
               [RJ laughs.]

               
                                     RJ
                         Kids love him!

               
               [Kif watches Amy laugh and growls.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Wong House. A loud noise that sounds like a 
               very long "omm" comes into earshot.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What's that weird sound?

               
               [The noise gets louder. Wind blows down the "Happy Mars Day" 
               banner.]
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody 
                         into house. Hurry, before we die. And 
                         wipe your damn feet!
 
               
               [The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is inside. Mrs. Wong looks out of 
               the window.]
 
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Phew! Everyone OK? No-one considering 
                         lawsuit?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm. I might have mental anguish.

               
                                     MR. WONG
                         I'll have you know I'm friends with 
                         every judge on planet.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm OK then.

               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Storm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo 
                         herd is OK.
 
               
               [Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Mr. Wong opens the door and looks 
               across at the cattle. A tornado sweeps across the ranch, taking 
               the buggalo with it. Everyone gasps.]
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Oh!

               
               [Cut to: The Wongs' Lounge.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What happened to the buggalo?

               
               [Mrs. Wong comes running.]

               
                                     MR. WONG
                         They been rustled under cover of storm. 
                         We ruined!
 
               
               [Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (screaming) Nooo!

               
               [They push him away.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK.

               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Oh, really? Who gonna save us?  One-eye? 
                          Lobster mooch?  Drunken garbage can?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         This sounds like a job for--

               
                                     KIF
                         Lieutenant Kif Kroker!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Alright then.

               
               [He sits down and munches some crisps.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The other guests have left.]

               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Aye-ah! Those buggalo are what made 
                         Wong family so rich and powerful. Oh, 
                         Inez, with them stolen, we ruined!
 
                         
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         OK. I want a divorce.

               
               [Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!

               
                                     AMY
                         They're not your parents, I'm not your 
                         sister and that's not your golf cart.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Aw!

               
               [He reverses the golf cart away.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Everybody just calm down. Kif promised 
                         he'd catch the rustlers.
 
               
               [Enter Kif in cowboy gear.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief 
                         I could borrow?
 
               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     KIF
                         My plan is to take all the remaining 
                         buggalo and lead them on a rough, tough 
                         cattle drive. Then, when the rustlers 
                         attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It sounds dangerous. Someone could get 
                         killed. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you 
                         to go with him.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Aw, man!

               
               [Leela sighs. Bender mocks Farnsworth.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll 
                         get your cattle back or die trying.
 
                         
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Hey, we can't lose!

               
                                     AMY
                         No, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have 
                         to do this to prove your manliness.
 
                         
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Oh, yes he does!

               
               [Wong Ranch. RJ leads some things towards Kif.]

               
                                     RJ
                         Here are your mounts!

               
               [Leela rubs one of the things and it makes a squelching noise.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         She's got a fine coat.

               
                                     KIF
                         Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers. 
                         How many are left?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         You're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only 
                         one left. She was curled up in my hamper 
                         when the storm hit.  Aw, she likes you!
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Saddle up, men. We got some no good 
                         rustlers to ... catch!
 
               
               [Mars Surface. Kif, Leela and Fry ride ahead while Bender sits 
               on a wagon playing a banjo and singing a Bonanza-like tune.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER (SINGING)
                         We've got a right to pick a little fight 
                         with rustlers,
 
               Somebody wants to pick a fight with us,

               He'd better bite my ass!

               
                                     FRY
                         Yee-haw!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons. The 
                         tallest volcano in the solar system.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Where?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Right in front of you.

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh. Oh!

               
                                     KIF
                         We'll camp near the top. The rustlers 
                         will be sure to spot us there.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Where?

               
               [Olympus Mons. The party have set up camp for the night. Bender 
               tells a ghost story around the campfire.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And even thought the computer was off 
                         and unplugged, an image stayed on the 
                         screen. It was ... the Windows logo!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Pfft, that's not scary!

               
                                     BENDER
                         It is if you're a laser printer.

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, 
                         there was this woman driving--
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hook on the hand!

               
                                     KIF
                         OK, I've got one. This family--

               
                                     FRY
                         Man in the attic!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally, 
                         you tell a story!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         With pleasure. (spookily) Once, not 
                         far from here, four people set out on 
                         a cattle drive--
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (speaking fast) Robot gets bored and 
                         kills Fry with a hammer! (normal) Sorry, 
                         go on.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Someone peers through the bushes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         And then, while they sat helplessly 
                         around the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding 
                         escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant 
                         snuck up and--
 
               
                                     AMY
                         (from bushes) Surprise!

               
               [Fry, Bender, Kif and Leela scream. Amy comes out of the bushes.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy? What are you doing here?

               
                                     AMY
                         I forgot to give you something before 
                         you left.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         What?

               
               [Amy kisses him and his camouflage kicks in.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Is that your camouflage reflex or are 
                         you just happy to see me?
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Amy and Kif are lying down at the top of the mountain 
               looking at the stars.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. 
                         I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of 
                         course, I tell no one my feelings.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         But you still have them, right?

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until 
                         I can write them in my diary.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Ah, it's a wonderful night.

               
                                     KIF
                         It sure is. I could just lie here beside 
                         you staring at the sky all night.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         I can't!  What's that?

               
                                     KIF
                         Maybe we just made love.

               
               [Amy and Kif look over the rim of the volcano and into the crater.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         The buggalo! They're in the crater.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         The rustlers must have seen me coming 
                         and run off, scared.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, Kif! You're so brave!

               
                                     KIF
                         (nervous) Sh! They'll hear us!

               
               [Time Lapse. The next morning. Kif pulls a wire from a mineshaft 
               on the side of the volcano.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         OK, the dynamite's in place.

               
                                     AMY
                         Are you sure there's no other way to 
                         get the buggalo out?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Not unless your parents have thousands 
                         of helicopters at their disposal.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Well actually--

               
                                     BENDER
                         Too late! This is more fun!

               
               [He detonates the dynamite and the buggalo are blown out of the 
               crater. They roll down the side of the volcano.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Kif! You did it! But how did you know 
                         the dynamite would work?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens 
                         from a sand dune. The principle is essentially 
                         the same.
 
               
               [The noise returns.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound 
                         again.
 
               
               [Dust flies up and the tornado blows towards them.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Sandstorm!  We're in the 
                         eye of the storm!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Where?

               
                                     BENDER
                         What's that?

               
               [There is a buzzing noise. Three Martians come through the tornado, 
               riding flying buggalo. They have blue-grey skin and the tops 
               of their heads look like Native American headgear has been fused 
               to their head. Amy screams.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         My God!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Who are they?

               
               [The lead Martian, Singing Wind, raises his hand.]

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Fehk! We are the Native Martians.

               
               [Everyone except Fry gasps. After a late reaction, he also gasps.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly.
 
                         
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Only those who revere Mother Mars can 
                         fly buggalo. And only they shall have 
                         buggalo. And they're us.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         But your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo 
                         aren't yours. They belong to the Wong 
                         family.
 
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         You mean family that took all Martian 
                         land and gave us one lousy bead?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Uh-huh! Amy Wong.  And you are?

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin 
                         them by stealing buggalo. But now we 
                         take girl instead.
 
               
               [Two other Martians pick up Amy and they fly away.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
 
                         
               
               [The Martians fly away.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Amy! Nooo!

               
               [He cries.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other 
                         beautiful, rich girl will fall in love 
                         with you.
 
               
               [Bender laughs and Kif cries.]

               
               [Wong Ranch. The buggalo are returned and Kif closes the gate 
               behind them.]
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Hooray! You bring back cattle.

               
                                     KIF
                         Yes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got 
                         some bad news as well.
 
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Let Amy tell us. That way it soften 
                         the blow.  Why Amy being so quiet?
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Um ... well, um ... that is, um...
 
                         
               
               [A smaller tornado whips by and drops a piece of paper in front 
               of Mr. Wong. He picks up.]
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy!  I know 
                         it them 'cause they no use good grammar.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         I'll get your daughter back, sir. I 
                         swear.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Forget it, squishy. You the one lose 
                         her in first place. You done enough.
 
                         
               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Yeah. This time we get most decorated 
                         law man in the whole universe!
 
               
                                     KIF
                         You mean--? Oh, no, please. I beg you! 
                         Oh, for the love of--
 
               
               [The Wongs' Lounge. The law man has arrived.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, 
                         at your service!
 
               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Please, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go 
                         get our daughter back.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess. 
                         I shall go bargain with the Martian's 
                         personally.  Your gasps intrigue me. 
                         Explain.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Martians have no land. They been gently 
                         encouraged to live on reservation deep 
                         underground. No-one ever dare go there.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This mission is incredibly dangerous. 
                         Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, 
                         Bender--
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Damn you, old man!

               
               [Mars Surface. Zapp, Kif, Leela, Fry and Bender trek across the 
               desert again. Betsy catches up with them and rubs against Kif.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         I didn't realise you were bringing your 
                         girlfriend, lieutenant!
 
               
               [He sniggers and Kif sighs.]

               
                                     KIF
                         She won't leave me alone.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more 
                         like a wife!
 
               
               [There is silence. A tumbleweed blows by.]

               
               [Time Lapse. They reach a cliff and look over the edge.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Behold: The Great Stone Face of Mars.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Hm.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         The only known entrance to the Martian 
                         reservation.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well, yeah, but it's way over the other 
                         side of the planet.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. They prepare to walk through one of the nostrils.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Nose-ward, ho!

               
               [Cut to: Martian Reservation. The nose begins to get darker. 
               They mumble. They are surrounded by torches. They gasp. It gets 
               lighter and they see they are surrounded by Martians with bows 
               and laser-arrows. Singing Wind walks in.]
 
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Fehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the 
                         Martian tribe.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Take me to your leader.

               
               [The Martians stare blankly at him.]

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Moving along. Why you trespass on our 
                         land?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         We come to negotiate the release of 
                         Amy Wong. And just to clarify: Land 
                         is the stuff that has sky over it.
 
                         
               
               [He drinks from a Slurm can and throws it down. A Martian cries 
                la the Native American in those American public service advertisements.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         They have such respect for the planet.
 
                         
               
                                     MARTIAN
                         Cynthia used to drink Slurm.

               
               [Singing Wind claps and Martians come in holding Amy.]

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         We will give back girl when we get back 
                         planet surface.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         How do we even know she's alive?

               
                                     AMY
                         I'm fine.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Sh! You're weakening our bargaining 
                         position. How about instead you give 
                         us the girl and we carve a bunch of 
                         our presidents into your sacred mountain?
 
                         
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         You waste words. We want return of land 
                         that was taken from us.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, actually you traded it for a bead.
 
                         
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse. 
                         We want land back!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Chief, my people are a people of law. 
                         And that law is ...  ... no backsies!
 
                         
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         The time for stupid statements is over!
 
                         
               
               [He and the other Martians make the "omm" noise. The dust picks 
               up.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Oh, boy!

               
               [Cut to: Mars Surface. The Great Stone Face's mouth opens and 
               the tornado blows the sand away, revealing a Great Stone Body.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Martian Reservation. Dust blows in Leela's face.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Ow, ow, ow, ow! My eye!

               
               [She puts in some eye drops.]

               
               [Mars University. The tornado blows down the "Knowledge Brings 
               Fear" sign and strips away the Martian statue to a skeleton.]
 
               
               
               [Wong Ranch. Zoidberg looks out the window.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!

               
               [Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]
 
               
               
               [Martian Reservation. Singing Wind gives a signal and the tornado 
               sucks up Amy.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy, no! It's too windy!  Stay calm, 
                         dearest! I'll save you!
 
               
               [He flies Betsy into the tornado.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Kif!  You're flying Betsy!

               
                                     KIF
                         Need a lift?

               
               [Amy grabs hold of his face and stretches it.]

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Great Mother Mars! He has the gift!
 
                         
               
               [He gives a signal and the Martians stop making the noise and 
               the tornado dies away. Kif lands Betsy. Zapp, Leela, Fry and 
               Bender cheer.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yay, Kif!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kroker, that was one Brannigan-esque 
                         feat of heroism!
 
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         We have misjudged you, green one. You 
                         fly the buggalo like us. You have true 
                         reverence for Mother Mars. Let there 
                         be peace between us.
 
               
                                     MARTIAN #2
                         Yes. Let us smoke on peace pipe.

               
                                     KIF
                         Smoke-em?

               
               [Martian Tent. Singing Wind smokes the pipe and passes it to 
               Kif.]
 
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Here, take.

               
                                     KIF
                         Ooh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch.
 
                         
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         You must smoke peace pipe. And you must 
                         do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Well it's just really that I don't feel 
                         that--
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers 
                         all smoke and they seem pretty on the 
                         ball.
 
               
               [Kif takes a puff and everyone cheers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Yes, sir!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Way to suck it!

               
                                     KIF
                         Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest! 
                          Oh, monkey trumpets!
 
               
               [Martian Torture Chamber. Kif is held down on a rack with rope.]
 
               
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         You have coughed at our offer of peace. 
                         So you must die!
 
               
                                     MARTIAN #2
                         The very bead used to crush our dreams 
                         shall be used to crush your bones.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Well, actually, I don't have bones. 
                         I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled 
                         bladders that--
 
               
               [The Martians ignore him and turn away. The roof opens and Kif 
               screams. The bead is lowered in and he whimpers.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait. That's the bead you traded your 
                         land for?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's a gigantic diamond! That thing 
                         must be worth a fortune.
 
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Really?

               
               [The diamond stops and Kif sighs. Bender takes a look at the 
               diamond through an eye glass and stutters.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest 
                         girl in the world!
 
               
               [He hugs Singing Wind and he immediately pushes him away.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Y'know, if you still want your land, 
                         we could just trade back for it.
 
               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless. 
                         We assumed our ancestors were cheated 
                         because they not have concept of ownership.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         So we can have the diamond?

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         No. We do have concept of ownership. 
                         You are free to go. Sorry about all 
                         the rustling and kidnapping.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But what about your sacred land?

               
                                     SINGING WIND
                         Land shmand! We don't wanna live on 
                         this planet. It's a dump. We'll buy 
                         new planet and act like it's sacred. 
                         With cash like this, who's going to 
                         argue? Nobody, that's who!
 
               
               [The Martian ships fly away from Mars with the diamond in tow.]
 
               
               
               [The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is back.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from 
                         the tornado and made peace with the 
                         Martians.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         Please! He too much of a wimp.

               
                                     MRS. WONG
                         Yeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan 
                         here.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Please, you give me too little credit.
 
                         
               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome 
                         here at Rancho Zoidberg!
 
               
               [Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his 
               head on a post and scoffs.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Money doesn't make good people, no siree!
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Later that night, Amy comes out onto the porch. 
               Kif is sat on the porch swing.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're 
                         my hero.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, you're kind. But your parents still 
                         don't like me.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Well globviously! But if they liked 
                         you then I wouldn't. Don't you know 
                         anything about girls?
 
               
               [They kiss. The buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets 
               up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                          Dear diary, I just made love for the 
                         second time!
 
               
               [He closes his diary and hugs it.]

               
               THE END

               

Where The Buggalo Roam



Writers :   J. Stewart Burns
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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