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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 209 

                          "WHY MUST I BE A CRUSTACEAN IN LOVE?"

                                           By

                                      Eric Kaplan

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: From the network that brought you 
               "The Simpsons".]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. An advertisement plays on TV. A plumberbot 
               reaches down a toilet with his arm and a jingle plays.]
 
               
                                     SINGERS
                          Call Robo-Rooter when you flush your 
                         towel ...
 
               
                                     PLUMBERBOT
                          ... And we can also help with an impacted 
                         bowel.
 
               
               [He whirls his hand around.]

               
                                     SINGERS
                          Robo-Rooter!

               
               [Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender drinks back beer while 
               Fry eats something.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Mmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a 
                         thousand years of progress: A Bavarian 
                         creamdog that's also self-microwaving!
 
                         
               
               [He presses a button on the side of the creamdog and it microwaves 
               itself, as well as Fry's face, which is left with black scorch 
               marks. He takes another bite. Bender tip his empty bottle upside-down.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the 
                         energy to get myself another beer.  
                         Oh, what is this? The Middle Ages?
 
                         
               
               [He just about manages to move under the stream of beer. Enter 
               Amy and Leela in gym gear.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but 
                         you've become a fat sack of crap.
 
                         
               
               [Fry licks some cream off his finger.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Sack?

               
                                     AMY
                         And, Bender, your beer belly's so big 
                         your door won't even close. And that 
                         doesn't even make sense.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on. We're taking you pigs to the 
                         gym.
 
               
               [Enter Zoidberg wearing a vest and sweatbands around his head 
               an wrists.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent. 
                         For some reason I'm frisky as a squid 
                         on Tuesday.
 
               
               [He clacks his claws.]

               
               [Outside NNY Dumbell Club. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg 
               walk into the gym. A sign in a gym window advertises "New - Windowless 
               Rooms For Ugly Exercisers".]
 
               
               [Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club. They pass some gym patrons, including 
               a six-legged alien on a running machine, a woman using a Kegelcizer 
               and a punch bag with arms and gloves repeatedly punching Larry 
               in the stomach.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, who's up for a nice hot steam?
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg shakes his head.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm 
                         going to go work out with the Nautilus!
 
                         
               
               [A nautilus appears behind him with a basketball.]

               
                                     NAUTILUS
                         What up, Dr. Z?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yo, yo, yo! Whassup whassup! Give up 
                         the rock!
 
               
               [The Nautilus passes him the ball and Zoidberg runs off chuckling.]
 
               
               
               [NNY Dumbell Club Steam Room. Leela, Amy and Fry relax in the 
               steam.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, Fry, you're in the womens' steam 
                         room.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, futuristic!

               
                                     AMY
                         Psst, look what life was like before 
                         genetic engineering.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Those poor 20th century women.

               
               [Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]

               
               [Outside Steam Room. Amy walks out of the steam room with a towel 
               wrapped around her and sees a man in a steam machine.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         (sexfully) Hey, handsome. Is there room 
                         in there for two?
 
               
               [The man snorts.]

               
                                     MAN
                         You wish!

               
               [The machine opens and there really is no room for Amy. The man 
               has a huge blubbery gut that has been forced into the shape of 
               the machine. He gets out of the machine and his gut falls back 
               into its natural shape. Amy shudders.]
 
               
               [NNY Dumbell Club Weight Room. Fry lifts some weights. Enter 
               Leela.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Leela, look who's the super-stud!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hmm, somebody must have turned down 
                         the gravity. I'll fix it for you.
 
                         
               
               [She turns the Gravistat from "Lo" to "Norm". Fry drops the weights 
               on his neck and starts to choke. Enter Zoidberg.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Give me that.  More weight!

               
               [Leela and Bender put some more weights on the end. A big fin 
               comes out of the top of Zoidberg's head like The Creature From 
               The Black Lagoon.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz 
                         on your head?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Enough with the questions. More weight! 
                          More!  More!
 
               
               [He growls and his pupils go crazy.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Maybe you could do more rips with less 
                         weight.
 
               
               [Zoidberg growls and cuts the dumbell. Amy and Fry scream and 
               fall to the ground.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming 
                         out of his shell.  Get it?  He's coming 
                         out--
 
               
               [Zoidberg gets up and knocks Bender over then runs rampage around 
               the room, knocking over equipment and people.]
 
               
               [Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Bike Room. People calmly pedal on the 
               exercise bikes. Enter a growling Zoidberg, making them peddle 
               faster, not really going anywhere.]
 
               
               [Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Pregnercise Pool. Randy leads a session 
               in the pool full of pregnant women.]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Nice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary 
                         stress.  Is there a doctor in the gym?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm a doctor!

               
               [Randy trembles and four more women give birth.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg sits on the lab table 
               with his claws bound. The rest of the staff stand around him.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting 
                         this way. Out of all of us he always 
                         seemed the most normal.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I am normal. (sexfully) Amy, take of 
                         these rubber bands and I'll show you 
                         how normal I am!
 
               
               [Amy's clothes have been ripped to shreds and her hair is a mess.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool 
                         me eight or more times, shame on me.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Maybe he has a parasite.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Maybe he is a parasite!

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's always so sad when a friend goes 
                         crazy and you have to have a big clam-bake 
                         and cook him! Yee-haw!
 
               
               [He puts his chef hat on. Farnsworth walks past with a syringe.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Now, now, this won't do. Let me just 
                         give old Zoidy a sedative.
 
               
               [He tries to poke the syringe needle into Zoidberg but it just 
               breaks on his shell.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah, much better. You can take off these 
                         rubber bands now.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I'll do it.

               
                                     LEELA
                         (simultaneously) Stop!

               
                                     FRY
                         (simultaneously) No, Amy!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Moron!

               
               [Farnsworth puts a stethoscope on Zoidberg's head.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Mm-hm...  Oh-ho!  Aha! There's the problem.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Give it to me straight, Professor. Is 
                         it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it? 
                         Tell me it's not fin rot!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Relax, my chiton-y chum. There's no 
                         problem. You're just heavy with male 
                         jelly.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bleck!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It must be mating season for Zoidberg's 
                         people. A chaotic time when his behaviour 
                         is dictated by the tiny brain in his 
                         rump.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Eck!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There's only one thing we can do...
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll get the water boiling!

               
               [He starts to leave, now wearing an apron with a lobster on it 
               as well as his hat.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         ...We, by which I mean you, will have 
                         to rush him to his ancient homeworld 
                         which will shortly erupt in an orgy 
                         of invertebrate sex.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, baby, I'm there!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, do you even understand the word 
                         "invertebrate"?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested 
                         in. (shouting) Uh, no need to pack pants, 
                         people. Let's roll!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these 
                         while he's gone.
 
               
               [She holds up the rubber bands. The staff stare at her, gobsmacked. 
               Bender slaps his head in disbelief.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg growls and the others 
               scream.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (from inside) Moron!

               
               [The ship flies down to the sandy world of Decapod 10. Most of 
               the planets surface is water, with a few sandy island dotted 
               here and there. The buildings are made of sand.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Decapod 10 Planetary Spaceport. The ships landing gear 
               extends and it skids along the sandy runway until it comes to 
               a stop in a parking space. The Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg 
               walk out and are greeted by a Decapod man standing underneath 
               a banner that says "Welcome Maters!" The man puts a garland over 
               Zoidberg, whose fin has disappeared.]
 
               
                                     DECAPOD MANM #1
                         Welcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours 
                         until the mating frenzy!
 
               
               [He points to a giant water clock that is slowly filling with 
               water.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Excellent, excellent!

               
                                     DECAPOD MAN #1
                         See you there Doctor--

               
               [He says something in the Decapodian language.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Is that how you say "Zoidberg"?

               
               [The man runs off crying.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You didn't have to call attention to 
                         his speech impediment.
 
               
               [Zoidberg's Car. Fry and Zoidberg sit in the front and Bender 
               and Leela in the back.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You're looking less nuts, crabby.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because 
                         tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly 
                         in the cloacal vents of a female. (sexfully) 
                         If you catch my drift.
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Who's the lucky lobsterina?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I don't know yet. But I shall attract 
                         one this afternoon with an erotic display.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's amazing that your people can fall 
                         in love so fast.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Love? That word is unknown here. I'm 
                         simply looking for a female swollen 
                         with eggs to accept my genetic material.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You and me both, brother!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah, my old scuttling grounds! Let's 
                         pull over.
 
               
               [He pulls over. Rather than a normal hover car, he is driving 
               a car with 10 legs along the sides.]
 
               
               [Decapod 10 Surface. They look into a rock pool.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I used to hang out here as a larva. 
                         It looked so much bigger back then. 
                          Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
 
                         
               
               [He eats it.]

               
               [Claw-Plach Arena. Zoidberg, Fry, Bender and Leela look into 
               an arena where spectators watch two Decapodians fighting.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Look! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets. 
                         Oh, let's do!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach, 
                         where my species fight to the death 
                         over matters of honour. Also whether 
                         abbreviations count in Scrabble. (angry) 
                         They don't!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I didn't come here to see any activity 
                         involving two guys. Where do you people 
                         do your erotic display?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Same place as your species: The beach.
 
                         
               
               [Decapod 10 Beach. Fry, Leela and Bender lie on sunbeds. Zoidberg 
               comes out of a male changing room wearing a grass skirt and a 
               shell necklace.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         How do I look?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Like whale barf.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Then the illusion is complete.

               
               [He walks off, clacking his claws.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I wonder if these guys are here 
                         to watch the erotic display too.
 
               
               [He points at a group of Decapods with cameras and binoculars.]
 
               
               
                                     DECAPOD MAN #2
                         Aw, yeah! Aw, wow!

               
               [Zoidberg puts a shell on a mound of sand.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Perfect! This oughta make me stand out. 
                          Craw!
 
               
               [Other men "craw" on the beach and women take interest. Fry chuckles.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Look how ridiculous they look.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Please, he's no different from the rest 
                         of you organisms; Shooting DNA at each 
                         other make babies. I find it offensive.
 
                         
               
               [Another woman walks past Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Craw!

               
                                     DECAPOD WOMAN #1
                         Keep your jelly away from my eggs!
 
                         
               
               [She walks off and another woman who sounds like Amy replaces 
               her.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Craw?!

               
                                     DECAPOD WOMAN #2
                         So not interested.

               
               [She walks off and a third woman approaches Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Craw!

               
                                     DECAPOD WOMAN #3
                         Hmph. I've heard that line before!
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg sighs.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The sun is setting and the other Decapod men hold 
               their mates in their arms along the beach. Zoidberg doesn't.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Cra-- Oh, what's the point?

               
               [His fin goes back into his head and he sits down on the mound. 
               Fry, Leela and Bender watch.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's 
                         the lobster equivalent of Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! I can get any girl I want anytime 
                         I want. I'm just too busy.
 
               
               [He starts playing with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. 
               He snarls and starts to untie it. Zoidberg sees another woman 
               and his fin goes up again.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Edna?! Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember? 
                         From high school?  You used to laugh 
                         at me because my face was covered with 
                         barnacles!
 
               
               [Edna gasps.]

               
                                     EDNA
                         Zoidberg? Well I didn't know you were 
                         back in town. I heard you went off and 
                         became a rich doctor.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I've performed a few mercy killings. 
                         So, as long as I'm in town I was wondering 
                         if maybe ... craw?
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         Oh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through 
                         a lot of things right now and-- Look, 
                         Zoidberg, I carry more eggs than any 
                         other female and I owe it to our race 
                         to pick a mate who's stuffed with male 
                         jelly. Maybe a rock star.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Or maybe a doctor?

               
                                     EDNA
                         I'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an 
                         inferior male specimen. Nice seeing 
                         you again.
 
               
               [She leaves. Zoidberg's fin goes down and he sits and starts 
               to cry.]
 
               
               [Ships Mess. Later that night, Zoidberg sits at the table and 
               the others stand around.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (crying) No one will ever want to mate 
                         with me, not with a puny claw like this. 
                         Did you see those other guys? They looked 
                         like giant claws with bodies attached.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         At least you didn't smell as bad as 
                         them.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (crying) You're right, my stink gland 
                         is weak. Smell!
 
               
               [He forces her face into his armpit and she struggles and gags.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Listen, Doc, if you wanna score you 
                         gotta fake like you're in love.  Just 
                         look her in the eye, start crying and 
                         say (fake crying) "I've never been so 
                         happy".
 
               
               [Leela takes her hand away and scoffs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         If a guy ever did that to me I'd know 
                         it. Wait a second. They've all been 
                         doing that to me. Even Sean!
 
               
               [She bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach 
                         me to fake it.
 
               
               [Ships Rec Room. Fry has set up the room to look like a classroom. 
               On a board at the front he has written "First Date: Champagne, 
               Flowers, Lame Conversation". Zoidberg sits at a desk ready to 
               learn.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, you're on a date. What's the first 
                         thing you do?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ask her to mate with me.

               
                                     FRY
                         No. Tell her she's special.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         But she's not. She's merely the female 
                         with the largest clutch of eggs.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, tell her that. And then?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Then mating.

               
                                     FRY
                         No. Make up some feelings and tell her 
                         you have them.  Yes?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Is desire to mate a feeling?

               
                                     FRY
                         You're not even trying!

               
               [Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It's all so complicated with the flowers 
                         and the romance and the lies upon lies.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister 
                         will take you under his wing.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What? Now there's a bird involved?
 
                         
               
               [Outside Edna's Apartment Building. Zoidberg stands outside the 
               sand building and Fry hides under a giant shell with his back 
               to the building.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, go ahead.

               
               [Zoidberg throws an octopus at Edna's French window. She opens 
               it and walks out onto the balcony.]
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         What the--? Dr. Zoidberg, your mating 
                         display failed. Why are you trying to 
                         talk to me?
 
               
               [Zoidberg shrugs.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) I have no idea.

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) You just wanna talk, it 
                         has nothing to do with mating.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) I just wanna talk, it has 
                         nothing to do with mating. (whispering) 
                         Fry, that doesn't make sense.
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. 
                         But OK.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Start with a compliment: 
                         Tell her she looks thin.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) You seem malnourished. Are 
                         you suffering from internal parasites?
 
                         
               
                                     EDNA
                         Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Now ask her how her day 
                         was.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Why would I wanna know?

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) You wouldn't. Ask anyway.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) How was your day?

               
                                     EDNA
                         Well first I got up and had a piece 
                         of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then 
                         I went to the store to buy some fish. 
                         Then...
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Fry, look what you did, she won't shut 
                         up.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) That's normal. Just nod 
                         your head and say "Uh-huh"
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                          Uh-huh, uh-huh.

               
                                     EDNA
                         ...And then you threw an octopus at 
                         my window. You know, Zoidberg, it's 
                         crazy but when you talk this way your 
                         obvious deficiencies as a male seem 
                         ... less obvious. Your genes seem less 
                         detrimental.  You even stink more.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg looks at Fry.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Do I ask her to mate now?

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Third date!

               
               [Red Primate. At the restaurant that is "For The Land Food Lover 
               In You", Zoidberg and Edna are on a date, joined by Fry, Leela 
               and Bender. They sit around a table. Other Decapodians are eating 
               at other tables. Bender finishes telling a story.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So I returned his artificial heart and 
                         ever since then I've been known by the 
                         name of Honest Bender.
 
               
               [Everyone laughs and Fry slips Zoidberg a piece of paper.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (reading) I'd like to propose a toast 
                         to ... coat check number 84.
 
               
               [He raises his glass.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Turn it over.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh, Edna! (reading) Of all the slimy, 
                         gross crab monsters on this planet, 
                         you are apparently the hottest.
 
               
               [He raises his glass again. Edna, Leela and Bender glare at him.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oy.

               
                                     FRY
                          That's the most beautiful thing I've 
                         ever heard.
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         Yes, well ... excuse me, I've got to 
                         powder my mouth flaps.
 
               
               [She gets up and leaves. Zoidberg sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, me too.

               
               [She runs after Edna.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange 
                         new emotion. Is it love when you care 
                         about a female for reasons beyond mating?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.
 
                         
               
               [Red Primate Women's Room. Edna powders her mouth flaps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Zoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's 
                         a nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's 
                         been telling him what to say and Fry's 
                         a ... do you have idiots on your planet?
 
                         
               
                                     EDNA
                         Fry? You mean words of such beauty came 
                         from the blowhole of that hideous alien?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah ... What? Look, never mind the 
                         words. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor 
                         honey.
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         Hmm.

               
               [Edna's Apartment Building Corridor. Fry stands outside her door 
               and reads a message on a fish. "Fry - Let's discuss Zoidberg 
               - Edna." He drops the fish and it wriggles back into the water. 
               Fry rings the doorbell which sounds like a sonar beep.]
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         (from inside) Come in.

               
               [She growls sexfully.]

               
               [Cut to: Edna's Apartment. Fry walks in and looks around. The 
               room is decorated like a fish tank. Edna pulls open some curtains 
               and walks towards Fry. She is dressed in a dark blue teddy and 
               fishnet tights.]
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         (sexfully) Hello, Fry. Can I interest 
                         you in some surf and turf?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No thanks. I just came to tell you that 
                         Zoidberg's really great. He's got male 
                         jelly coming out the wazoo.
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         Well that is where it comes out but 
                         jelly isn't everything.  I know Zoidberg's 
                         magical words were really yours. Teach 
                         me to love you, squishy poet from beyond 
                         the stars!
 
               
               [She runs towards him and he ducks behind the chair. She starts 
               edging towards him and he moves around the chair.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was 
                         gonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug 
                         you'd be way up the list!
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your 
                         mandibles and kiss me!
 
               
               [She dives on him and they land on a couch. Her mouth flaps snake 
               around Fry's head and she kisses him. Fry struggles to get away. 
               Enter a smartly-dressed Zoidberg carrying flowers and champagne.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Edna, I couldn't stand it any longer. 
                         I--  (angry) Fry!
 
               
               [He gets so tense his claws clip the bottle neck and it falls 
               to the floor and breaks.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (angry) Her caviar is on your neck!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But--

               
                                     EDNA
                         Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide 
                         it any longer. Fry and I have fallen 
                         in love and we're going to mate tomorrow.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         What?!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (angry) Fry!  I challenge you to Claw-Plach!
 
                         
               
               [He clacks his claws.]

               
                                     FRY
                         English please?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A fight to the death.

               
               [He clacks his claws again.]

               
                                     EDNA
                         And if you survive, we'll make sweet 
                         love!
 
               
               [She clacks her claws. Fry pulls on his hair and screams.]

               
               [Decapod 10 Surface. Decapod guards hold Fry in chains and march 
               Fry to the Decapod Emperor's throne. Bender and Leela watch.]
 
               
               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         The law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall 
                         fight to the death for the claw of the 
                         beautiful Edna.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But I don't want her!

               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         Once invoked, the sacred tradition of 
                         Claw-Plach can not be taken back. It 
                         is a recent tradition - only 18 years 
                         old - but it is a tradition none the 
                         less.
 
               
               [Claw-Plach Arena. Decapodians have filled the amphitheatre to 
               watch the fight. A Decapod child waves a big foam claw. Zoidberg 
               walks into the arena and the crowd cheers. The soldiers throw 
               Fry in and Zoidberg moves towards him with his claws at the ready.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Get ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your 
                         swim bladder out and show it to you.
 
                         
               
               [Leela leans over the edge of the bleachers.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're 
                         being irrational.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) Of course I'm being irrational! 
                         I'm in love!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww.

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Right, right.  You have to stop this 
                         madness.
 
               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         Listen, lady, as you can plainly see 
                         I'm a highly desirable male, groaning 
                         with jelly. Yet I embrace a life of 
                         celibacy in order to uphold our crazy 
                         traditions. One of your friends must 
                         die.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fate is cruel and unyielding and what 
                         must be must be. (shouting) Takin' all 
                         bets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the 
                         crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope, 
                         come on baby!
 
               
               [Spectators wave their money at Bender. Zoidberg takes Fry aside.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Fry, it's been years since medical school 
                         so remind me: Disembowelling in your 
                         species - Fatal or non-fatal?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Fatal.

               
               [Zoidberg holds some cash up to Bender.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Large bet on myself in round one!

               
               [Edna stands by the Emperor.]

               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         Edna, have you anything to say before 
                         begins the Claw-Plach?
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         I do. I just want to say that today 
                         I got up and I had a piece of toast. 
                         Then I brushed my teeth--
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Shut up!

               
                                     EDNA
                         I love you, Fry!

               
               [Zoidberg growls and reaches his claws out to Fry. Guards restrain 
               him.]
 
               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         Fry, having guessed what animal I was 
                         thinking of, you shall have first choice 
                         of weapon.  And you, doctor?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I choose my own claws! I want the tactile 
                         pleasure of chopping him right here 
                         in the gonads!
 
               
               [He points at Fry's neck.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Shh! Nobody correct him!

               
               [Bender leans over the bleachers.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry, I've never asked you for anything 
                         before but if it's not too much trouble, 
                         when it comes to the ninth round just 
                         let him win.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But it's a fight to the death!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, so this is suddenly all about you. 
                         Sheesh!
 
               
               [He storms off.]

               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         Please rise for the national anthem.
 
                         
               
               [Decapodians hold their hands to their hearts and a woman plays 
               the incidental music from the Star Trek episode Amok Time on 
               an organ.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh-oh.

               
                                     DECAPOD EMPEROR
                         (shouting) Let Claw-Plach begin!

               
               [Fry and Zoidberg circle each other. Zoidberg spins his claws 
               around and Fry does the same with his nutcrackers and whacks 
               himself in the eye. Zoidberg scratches a "Z" in Fry's shirt  
               la The Mark of Zorro then scratches "DR" above it. Fry squeals 
               and backs away. A bright light starts to shine in his eye. He 
               squints and tries to avoid it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey!

               
               [In the stands Bender is reflecting the sunlight off his arm 
               and into Fry's face. He chuckles. Leela slaps him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ow!

               
               [In the arena Zoidberg takes a dive at Fry and Fry dodges. Zoidberg 
               lands in the mud and Fry chuckles. Zoidberg stands on his hands, 
               kicks off his sandals and starts chasing Fry, clacking at him 
               with his foot claws. The crowds cheer.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Come on, Fry! Die with dignity!
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg carries on chasing Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aha!  Oops!

               
               [He grabs Zoidberg around the neck with the nutcrackers and Zoidberg 
               grabs Fry's neck with his claws locking the two together in a 
               struggle.]
 
               
                                     EDNA
                         (screaming) Nooo! I can't stand to look.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg looks up at her.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Huh?

               
               [Fry dodges his grasp and gains the upper hand by grabbing him 
               from behind with the nutcrackers and bringing him to his knees. 
               The crowd chants.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Psst, Fry. Take a dive.

               
               [Fry grins and tightens the nutcrackers. Sweat pours down Zoidberg's 
               face and the crowd chants.]
 
               
                                     CROWD
                         (chanting) Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! 
                          Claw-Plach!  Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!
 
                         
               
               [The crowd gasps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         My fellow fish monsters. Far be it for 
                         me to question your stupid civilisation 
                         or its dumb customs. But is squeezing 
                         each others brains out with a giant 
                         nutcracker really going to solve anything? 
                         Dr. Zoidberg is my friend. And though 
                         a woman has come between us, I say we'll 
                         always remain friends. And you know 
                         why?  One reason.
 
               
               [Zoidberg cuts his arm off with one clean click of the claws. 
               Fry looks at his lifeless arm on the ground and pulls his shirt 
               up around his wound.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!
 
                         
               
               [He picks up his dismembered arm and starts beating Zoidberg 
               around the head with it. Zoidberg kicks him away and starts to 
               choke him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone.

               
               [Zoidberg looks around the empty arena.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Edna? Honey?

               
               [Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. The mating frenzy meter has filled 
               with water.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Claw-Plach Arena. They hear the craws of Decapodians.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. They run to the beach and gasp.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Edna?

               
               [Edna and the emperor are holding claws. They scuttle into the 
               water along with thousands of other Decapods. They all disappear 
               underwater and the sea fills with a green slime.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ew!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, my God!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The frenzy!  Oh, the greatest experience 
                         in life and I missed it.
 
               
               [He bursts into tears.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aw. I'm sorry, Doc.

               
               [He pats him on the back with his severed arm.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The four walk along the empty beach and seagulls 
               fly around them. Zoidberg injects Fry with some St. Jonah's Morphine 
               For Children.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ow, ow! Ah!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The frenzy is over. How will I ever 
                         get rid of my male jelly now?
 
               
                                     FRY
                          I'll lend you this.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry!

               
               [A seagull grabs his arm and tries to pull it away from Fry.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, hey.

               
               [Bender is covered in bird faeces.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Shoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the 
                         flying jerks?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         They come to feast after the frenzy. 
                         Once my species passes on its genes, 
                         it dies.
 
               
               [He points to the sea which is littered with the corpses of Decapodians.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         You mean you have to choose between 
                         a life without sex and a gruesome death?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yes.

               
                                     FRY
                         Tough call.

               
               [The ship flies away from Decapod 10.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Medical Room.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Well it was nice of you to let me reattach 
                         your arm, Fry. Especially after I made 
                         a complete eel out of myself.
 
               
               [Fry is lying on a table while Leela and Bender watch. He shrugs.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         No biggie.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yes biggie. I learned to feel things 
                         I'd never felt before: Love, jealousy, 
                         passion for disembowling. I owe it all 
                         to you.  There! I pronounce the operation 
                         a success.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hooray!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah!

               
                                     FRY
                         (laughing) Yeah!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I may not know from emotions but when 
                         it comes to medicine, forget about it.
 
                         
               
               [Fry look at his arm.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc, 
                         but do you think maybe you could take 
                         one more whack at this?
 
               
               [He points at his arm. Zoidberg has attached it to his other 
               arm so he has two on the same side. Zoidberg turns around with 
               his laser-saw.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         For you, my friend, anything.

               
               [The ship flies towards Earth. Fry screams from inside.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (from ship) My legs!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (from ship) Alright, alright, third 
                         time's the charm.
 
               
               [He saws again and another limb falls off and splats.]

               
               

Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love



Writers :   Eric Kaplan
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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