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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 208 

                                      "XMAS STORY"

                                           By

                                     David X. Cohen

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Based On a True Story.]

               
               [Catskills Ski Lodge. The whole Planet Express staff are on a 
               ski holiday. The room is packed with people waiting for a show.]
 
               
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and gentlemen: Conan O'Brien's 
                         head.
 
               
               [The audience cheer.]

               
                                     O'BRIEN
                         Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. 
                         Max, play me over.  Looks like someone 
                         forgot to feed Max.  So, people are 
                         getting pretty worried about this Y2K 
                         problem, huh?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No. they fixed that 900 years ago.
 
                         
               
                                     O'BRIEN
                         Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm 
                         walking to work this morning--
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I doubt it!

               
                                     O'BRIEN
                         Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly 
                         long legs in the war of 2012 but I've 
                         still got something you'll never have: 
                         A soul!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh.

               
                                     O'BRIEN
                         And freckles!  Well, I'm out of material. 
                         You can catch me next week at the Andromeda 
                         Chuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast.
 
                         
               
               [The audience applauds.]

               
               [Mountains. The staff are geared up for skiing. They walk away 
               from the lodge.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, lets face it: Comedy's a dead art 
                         form. Now tragedy ...  ... That's funny!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Come on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing 
                         will help us forget the mouldy old antics 
                         of Conan O'Brien.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Great idea!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         We can only hope!

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Leela are on the ski lift.]

               
                                     FRY
                         This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global 
                         warming never happened.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Actually it did. But thank God nuclear 
                         winter cancelled it out.
 
               
               [The lift tips them off and they ski over to Bender.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hi!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Enough of your mindless chitchat, let's 
                         get going.
 
               
               [Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Jah damnit! We're stuck.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                          At least you're not cold blooded!
 
                         
               
               [He puts a glove over his mouth.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor 
                         go.
 
               
               [He points at Farnsworth who is skis well. He is actually asleep.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Leela ski.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Look out! We're heading straight for 
                         those trees!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.

               
                                     TREES
                         (mechanical voice) Trees down.

               
               [The trees go down and Fry and Leela ski over them.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Cool. Hey what do you do if you want 
                         the trees up?
 
               
                                     TREES
                         (mechanical voice) Trees up

               
               [The trees go up and one takes Fry with it. He is stuck at the 
               top of one.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (hoarse) Trees down!

               
                                     TREES
                         (mechanical voice) Trees down.

               
               [They go back down and Fry gets buried under the snow with one. 
               Bender speeds past on a snowboard. He is wearing a red and blue 
               hat and has a cigar in his mouth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Lookin' good, meatball!

               
               [A man skis alongside Bender.]

               
                                     MAN
                         Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding 
                         off the trail.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Lick my frozen metal ass.  Uh-oh!

               
               [He falls over the edge of a cliff and screams as he falls towards 
               a frozen lake. Children skate on the ice. Bender plummets straight 
               through the surface. The ice around cracks and the children fall 
               in. They scream.]
 
               
                                     CHILD
                         (shouting) Mommy!

               
               [Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another. 
               He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled 
               car and Fry stands behind him.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to 
                         see!
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand 
                         years ago there was a legendary team 
                         of Jamaican bobsledders.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yup, I remember. They came in last at 
                         the Olympics then retired to promote 
                         alcoholic beverages.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         A true inspiration for the children. 
                          Um, a little help please?  (screaming) 
                         Nooo!
 
               
               [Zoidberg laughs, slips, falls and slides down the track after 
               Hermes. Fry laughs.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, what the hell!  Ow!

               
               [Catskills Ski Lodge. Amy is chats up a man in a cast.]

               
                                     AMY
                         You poor man. What happened to you?
 
                         
               
                                     MAN
                         Well, there I was on the triple diamond 
                         slope, when suddenly--
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, excuse me.  Hello there.

               
               [Farnsworth skis into the lodge and wakes up to discover a bronze 
               medal around his neck.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wha?

               
               [Time Lapse. The staff all sport various injuries and sit around 
               a blazing fire with their feet up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super 
                         Soaker of fine cognac.
 
               
               [He squirts some into his mouth.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas 
                         spirit.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What-mas?

               
                                     FRY
                         Christmas. You know? X-M-A-S.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using 
                         an archaic pronunciation. Like when 
                         you say "ask" instead of "aks".
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Xmas, huh?  Y'know this'll be my first 
                         Xmas away from home.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, hey. Let me aks you something: 
                         Would it cheer you up if we went and 
                         cut down an Xmas tree?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree!

               
               [Forest. Fry seems disappointed that Xmas trees are palm trees.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! These aren't Xmas trees!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Eh wha?

               
                                     FRY
                         They're supposed to be some kinda, you 
                         know, pine tree.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Pine trees have been extinct for 800 
                         years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle 
                         and your primitive notions of modesty. 
                          Ah! Brisk!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This isn't the way Christmas is supposed 
                         to be.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There, there.

               
               [He leans against Fry and pats his shoulder.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Everything's changed.

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's not true.

               
               [She swings an axe and a laser on the end cuts through a palm 
               tree. It falls.]
 
               
               [The ship flies across New New York with the Xmas tree tied to 
               the roof. It lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room. Zoidberg puts down a box marked 
               "Xmas Decorations" and cuts the tape with his claw. Bender rocks 
               back and forth in a chair with Nibbler on his lap.]
 
               
                                     BENDER (SINGING)
                         Xmas tree oh Xmas tree! Bah boo bee 
                         boo bah bee boh.
 
               
               [Leela sits on the arm of a couch in front of the fire and Fry 
               sits next to her on the couch. The Xmas tree is in the middle 
               of the room. Farnsworth leads a string of lights around the bottom 
               of the trunk. Amy takes a star out of a box and uses a jet pack 
               to get to the top of the tree. She hits her head on the ceiling.
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Ow!

               
                                     FRY
                         (nostalgic) Every Christmas my mom would 
                         get a fresh goose for goose burgers 
                         and my dad would whip up his special 
                         eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. 
                          This dumb holiday just makes me think 
                         of all the things I left behind. Let's 
                         just stop talking about Xmas.
 
               
               [Enter Hermes with some envelopes.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards 
                         have arrived! Xmas!  Amy, there you 
                         go, Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty 
                         haul for Bender.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! I got the most! I win Xmas!

               
                                     HERMES
                         And last, but not least, the sweet flower 
                         of the office: Me. Hermes Conrad.
 
                         
               
               [Leela is disappointed. Bender looks at his card. On the front 
               is an ASCII Xmas tree.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hmm.  Ah, a picture of my mommy.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Huh? What's this?  A card from my cousin 
                         Zoidfarb.  Instead of "Claus" he writes 
                         "Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's 
                         comedians could learn from this card.
 
                         
               
               [Leela watches the others. She sighs and walks out.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela opens her locker and gets 
               out a photo album. She looks at photos of her childhood. One 
               shows her as a baby in an area marked "Abandoned Property". Another 
               shows her outside the Orphanarium, smiling. Children point at 
               her and laugh. Another shows her at her senior prom with no date. 
               She closes the album and a tear falls onto it.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What's the point of Xmas when everyone 
                         you know died a thousand years ago? 
                         I'm the lonliest person on Earth.  Hey, 
                         Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here, 
                         huh?  Yoiks! What was that about?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Fluh! She's an orphan.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, and the only one of her species 
                         in all the known universe. What a lonely 
                         life.
 
               
               [He walks off shaking his head.]

               
                                     FRY
                         My God! Poor Leela.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (upbeat) Hey, buddy, heard you needed 
                         cheering up! Well old Bender'll make 
                         you laugh.  Look at me look!  Oh, man, 
                         I gotta work on my act!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry has taken off his jacket.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I feel like a rat. Here I am whining 
                         like a pig while all along Leela was 
                         lonely as a frog. I could kick myself.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         I'll do it for you.

               
               [She kicks him in the shin.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! Thanks.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. 
                         You'd have to be blind not to notice 
                         that Leela's a cyclops.
 
               
               [He is actually talking to Hermes.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Fry's over there, man.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh?

               
               [He adjust his glasses and looks around the room. Bender sits 
               in a chair with his feet up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Xmas Eve; Another day where I accomplish 
                         nothing.
 
               
               [He slurps brandy and turns the TV on to the news.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          The holiday season is a time of celebration 
                         for most. But it is also a time to remember 
                         the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.
 
                         
               
                                     MORBO
                          Earthlings do not yet know the meaning 
                         of suffering.
 
               
               [He cackles. Linda chuckles.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          Earlier today I visited a shelter for 
                         down-and-out robots.  Homeless robots, 
                         too poor to afford even the basic alchohol 
                         they need to fuel their circuits. Is 
                         there anything sadder? Only drowning 
                         puppies. And there would have to be 
                         a lot of them.
 
               
               [Bender heads for the door.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Where are you going, Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for 
                         homeless robots.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything 
                         charitable.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm very generous. What about that time 
                         I gave blood?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Whose blood?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Some guy's.

               
               [He leaves.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I've got to do something to show Leela 
                         how sorry I am.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So what's the problem? Just get down 
                         on your claws and do the apology dance.
 
                         
               
               [He starts scuttling and singing.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I 
                         have a better idea! I'll go out and 
                         get her the perfect Xmas present. Something 
                         so great she'll never want to be unhappy 
                         again.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Just be back by sundown, mon.

               
                                     FRY
                         We'll see. I like to haggle.

               
                                     AMY
                         You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll 
                         be killed!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Say what?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa 
                         Claus.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I know about Santa Claus.

               
               [He winks.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company 
                         built a robotic Santa to determine who'd 
                         be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute 
                         presents accordingly. But something 
                         went wrong.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! 2801! Anyway...

               
               [He turns to leave.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wait, you fool! Due to a programming 
                         error, Santa's standards were set too 
                         high and he invariably judges everyone 
                         to be naughty.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         If he catches you after dark, he'll 
                         chop off your head and stuff your neck 
                         full of toys from his sack of horrors.
 
                         
               
               [Fry gulps.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Nice meeting you.

               
               [New New York City Street. Bender is dressed as a homeless robot, 
               wearing a torn woollen hat and fingerless gloves. He walks into 
               Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is greeted 
               by the Preacherbot.]
 
               
                                     PREACHERBOT
                         Welcome, brother! May the blessings 
                         of the season be upon you.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of 
                         those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing 
                         about. Could you point me to the free 
                         booze.  Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
 
               
               [Alien Overlord & Taylor. The department store advertises and 
               Xmas Sale with "3% Off".]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         There's this girl who I really like 
                         but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help 
                         me?
 
               
                                     SALESMAN #1
                         Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the 
                         food court. Though there's a line this 
                         time of year.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No, I need to get her a gift. And I 
                         need it before sundown.
 
               
                                     SALESMAN #1
                         Well, you can't go wrong with something 
                         traditional.  A Surface-to-Santa rocket 
                         launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking 
                         missiles.
 
               
               [Fry laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         That's funny!

               
               [A missile points itself at Fry.]

               
                                     SALESMAN #1
                         Careful, sir!

               
               [Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is finishing 
               off his seventh bowl of liquor.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure kow 
                         how to live.  Hey, chief, someone's 
                         stealing your handkerchief full of crap.
 
                         
               
               [The robot turns around and Bender steals his bowl. A little 
               robot with a leg missing holds out a bowl to the Preacherbot.]
 
               
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Excuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of 
                         booze?
 
               
                                     PREACHERBOT
                         I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out 
                         early tonight.
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         I understand.

               
               [He turns, coughs, and limps away.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         My God! That poor kid!

               
               [He laughs.]

               
               [Joe's Ark Pet Store.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You're the last store open. I need something 
                         for my friend Leela.  Just give me your 
                         best animal.
 
               
                                     SALESMAN #2
                         Best? Well that's a matter of opinion. 
                         I personally like the Electric Snail.
 
                         
               
               [He picks up the snail in a jar. It's shell sparks with electricity.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         That's a stupid animal. You're stupid! 
                         I said I want the best one. Now which 
                         costs more? The parrot or the Stink 
                         Lizard?
 
               
                                     SALESMAN #2
                         The lizards are a buck each, the parrot 
                         is $500.
 
               
               [Fry whistles.]

               
                                     FRY
                         That's a hell of a good parrot. Although, 
                         I could get 500 lizards for the same 
                         price. Girls like swarms of lizards, 
                         right?
 
               
                                     SALESMAN #2
                         Sir, the store is closing in two minutes.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, I'll take the 500 lizards. 
                         No, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The 
                         parrot!
 
               
               [The parrot squawks.]

               
               [Outside Joe's Ark Pet Store. Fry walks away with his parrot 
               and the shop closes.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I spent every penny I had but 
                         I bet Leela's gonna love you.  Hey, 
                         you're quite the talker, aren't you? 
                          Shut the hell up!  Ow!  Stupid bird! 
                         I know where you live.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy ties a ribbon around an present. 
               She holds the knot with her finger and Zoidberg cuts off the 
               excess. On the other side of the room, Farnsworth and Hermes 
               play chess naked. Enter Leela.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, it's Leela.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't 
                         mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Huh? You were gone?

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's just that I get tired of Fry always 
                         only thinking of himself.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         I hear that! I aks him to set the table. 
                         Instead he goes out to buy you a present. 
                         Selfish dog.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's 
                         in danger!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Why?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is 
                         coming to town!
 
               
               [New New York City Street. The parrot flies towards a tall building 
               with a large digital clockface. Fry looks up at it from the street.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, bird, you thought you could 
                         beat me in a game of wits. But you just 
                         met your equal.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Building. Fry opens a hatch and steps out onto 
               the clock face. He drops the cage and gulps. The parrot edges 
               away from him. He steps closer to it. The parrot moves to the 
               very edge.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Aha! Cornered!

               
               [He leaps for the bird but it flies away before he can get a 
               hold of it. He loses his balance and falls. He grabs onto the 
               2 on the clock. It changes to a 3 then a 4. He falls a little 
               further. It changes to a 5, a 6 and then a 7. With nothing to 
               hold onto he falls. Leela grabs him from a hatch.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hi there!

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life. 
                         I am gonna get you so many lizards.
 
                         
               
               [New New York City Street. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         You didn't need to buy me a present, 
                         Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I just wanted to do something to make 
                         you happy. I mean, I miss my family 
                         but you never even had a family.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely. 
                         But together we're lonely together.
 
                         
               
               [They hold hands.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Merry Xmas, Leela.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Merry Xmas.

               
               [A huge shadow creeps over them followed by two loud bangs. They 
               turn around.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, boy! It's Santa!

               
               [Santa's eyes turn around 180-degrees, making him look angry.]
 
               
               
                                     SANTA
                         Ho, ho, ho!  You've been very naughty, 
                         Fry and Leela. I checked my list.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Well check it twice!

               
                                     SANTA
                         I perform over 50 mega-checks per second. 
                         You're both naughty for disregarding 
                         each other's feelings.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But we set things right. Fry even risked 
                         his life to get me a present.
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         But what about your other co-workers? 
                         Did either of you ever stop to think 
                         about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No! I swear!

               
                                     SANTA
                         Santa has something very special in 
                         his sack for you two!
 
               
               [Fry smiles. Santa pulls out a laser gun and shoots them. They 
               scream and run away.]
 
               
               [Outside Hattie's House. Bender and some other robots are singing 
               carols.]
 
               
                                     ROBOTS
                         (singing) So lock the door and hit the 
                         floor,
 
               'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

               
               [Hattie claps.]

               
                                     HATTIE
                         Go away!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us 
                         in for a traditional glass of hard cider?
 
                         
               
                                     HATTIE
                         Oh, alright. But just one glass!  (from 
                         inside) OK, that's enough.  I said that's 
                         enough!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (from inside) Get her purse!

               
               [New New York City Street. Fry and Leela are still running from 
               Santa. They jump to the ground and Santa swoops over them in 
               his sleigh, turns around and heads back towards them.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Please let us live! We'll put out milk 
                         and cookies for you!
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove 
                         coal so far up your stocking you'll 
                         be coughing up diamonds!
 
               
               [He throws a bauble-bomb at Fry and Leela. They run into an alcove 
               and it explodes. Santa flies his sleigh around ready for the 
               kill. Leela tries a door but it's locked.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're trapped.

               
                                     FRY
                         I never thought it would end this way: 
                         Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, 
                         I didn't see it coming!
 
               
               [Santa gets closer. Fry and Leela crouch down in a corner.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Goodbye, Fry.

               
                                     FRY
                         Goodbye, Leela.  Hey, look: We're under 
                         the mistletoe.
 
               
               [Leela looks up and they both look at each other. They move towards 
               each other to kiss.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. 
                         missile!
 
               
               [He shoots at them. Fry and Leela scream. The parrot flies in 
               front of the alcove and gets hit by the missile and explodes. 
               Feathers flutter down.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, you're present may need some assembly.
 
                         
               
               [Elsehwhere, Bender and the other robots are carrying lots of 
               stuff.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) On the 4th day of Xmas I stole 
                         from that lady.
 
               
                                     ROBOT #1
                         (singing) Four family photos.

               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         (singing) Three jars of pennies.

               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         (singing) Two former husbands.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) And a slipper on a shoe tree.
 
                         
               
               [He throws the slipper down the sewer. Raoul waves through the 
               gate.]
 
               
                                     RAOUL
                         Oh, thank you!

               
               [Fry and Leela come running down the street.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Help!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Somebody help us.

               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot 
                         sir?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, wait, I know these guys. They got 
                         nothing.
 
               
               [Bender runs towards Fry and Leela. Santa flies over them.]
 
               
               
                                     SANTA
                         Ho ho ho!  You've been very naughty, 
                         Bender.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're 
                         thinking of the kid.
 
               
               [He points at Tinny Tim.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         My God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's 
                         so naughty I'll have to add it to my 
                         list right now.  Framing ... I-N-G ... 
                          ... an ...
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Zoidberg 
               are sat under the Xmas Tree exchanging gifts.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Amy, this is for you: A set of combs 
                         for your beautiful hair.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair 
                         to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of 
                         combs for Hermes.
 
               
               [She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could 
                         buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
 
                         
               
               [He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Thank you. These'll come in handy for 
                         my new hair.  Finally I look as pretty 
                         as I feel!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting; from outside) Help!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting; from outside) Help!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting; from outside) Help!

               
               [The staff look through the window. Fry, Leela and the robots 
               are still being chased by Santa. They run towards the Planet 
               Express building.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep. 
                         And there's no trash pickup until January 
                         3rd.
 
               
               [Enter Fry, Leela and the robots. There is a crash on the roof.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the 
                         roof!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover! 
                          Push! Push!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Use teamwork!

               
               [The chimney is nearly covered when Santa sticks a candy cane 
               through a gap and rolls the cover back. The crew gasp. Santa 
               and the reindeer fly in.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

               
               [Hermes dives behind the sofa.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         You've all been very naughty. Very naughty 
                         indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this 
                         is for you.
 
               
               [He hands Zoidberg a gift.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A pogo-stick!

               
               [He giggles and bounces around the room.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         As for the rest of you, I'm going to 
                         tear off your skin like wrapping paper 
                         and deck the halls with your guts.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa 
                         Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't 
                         believe in him he can't hurt you.  Ow! 
                         God! The pain!
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Ho ho ho! Time to get jolly on your 
                         naughty asses!
 
               
               [He laughs maniacly.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Watch out! His belly is shaking like 
                         a bowl full of nitro-glycerine!
 
               
               [A reindeers nose beeps and flashes red.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Rudolph's nose!

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) He's gonna blow.

               
               [Everyone screams. Zoidberg cuts a wire hanging from the Xmas 
               tree.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Aha!

               
               [The wire falls and electrocutes Santa. Leela kicks him and the 
               rest of the staff use the Xmas tree to push him and his sleigh 
               into the chimney. The robots cover it with the armour-plated 
               cover. The reindeer beeps faster and the cover rocks as Santa 
               explodes.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Santa, the sleigh and the reindeer 
               fly upwards away from the building.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express crew, LaBarbara 
               and the homeless robots are sat around the table talking.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, good thing I got us out of that 
                         one!
 
               
               [Bender brings a covered plate in from the kitchen.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Xmas dinner, everyone.

               
               [He pulls the cover off. The dinner is the exploded parrot.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, Bender? Where did you get that bird?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I found it lying in the street, like 
                         all the food I cook. Dig in, everyone.
 
                         
               
               [He cuts a piece off and puts it on Tinny Tim's plate.]

               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Thank you, sir.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You got the toenail!  Oh!

               
                                     FRY
                         Look, the food isn't what's important.
 
                         
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         I'm so hungry.

               
                                     FRY
                         The important thing is we're all together 
                         for Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded 
                         by robots and monsters and old people, 
                         I've never felt more at home.
 
               
                                     FARNSOWRTH
                         Hear, hear! Now let's all of us shut 
                         up and sing!
 
               
               [They gather around a piano.]

               
                                     AMY (SINGING)
                         He knows when you are sleeping.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH (SINGING)
                         He knows when you're on the can.

               
                                     LEELA (SINGING)
                         He'll hunt you down and blast your ass 
                         from here to Pakistan.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG (SINGING)
                         Oh.

               
                                     HERMES (SINGING)
                         You'd better not breathe, You'd better 
                         not move.
 
               
                                     BENDER (SINGING)
                         You're better off dead, I'm telling 
                         you, dude.
 
               
                                     FRY (SINGING)
                         Santa Claus is gunning you down!

               
               [Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing 
               himself again.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Merry Xmas, everyone!

               
               [He joins the others at the piano and it snows again outside.]
 
               
               
               [Closing Credits. A version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas 
               plays. Santa and his reindeer fly by.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                          I'll be back. Back when you least expect 
                         it: Next Xmas! Ho ho ho!
 
               
               

Xmas Story



Writers :   David X. Cohen
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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