David X. Cohen
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Based On a True Story.]
[Catskills Ski Lodge. The whole Planet Express staff are on a
ski holiday. The room is packed with people waiting for a show.]
Ladies and gentlemen: Conan O'Brien's
[The audience cheer.]
Thank you, thank you. Let's get started.
Max, play me over. Looks like someone
forgot to feed Max. So, people are
getting pretty worried about this Y2K
No. they fixed that 900 years ago.
Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm
walking to work this morning--
I doubt it!
Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly
long legs in the war of 2012 but I've
still got something you'll never have:
And freckles! Well, I'm out of material.
You can catch me next week at the Andromeda
Chuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast.
[The audience applauds.]
[Mountains. The staff are geared up for skiing. They walk away
from the lodge.]
Ah, lets face it: Comedy's a dead art
form. Now tragedy ... ... That's funny!
Come on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing
will help us forget the mouldy old antics
of Conan O'Brien.
We can only hope!
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela are on the ski lift.]
This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global
warming never happened.
Actually it did. But thank God nuclear
winter cancelled it out.
[The lift tips them off and they ski over to Bender.]
Enough of your mindless chitchat, let's
[Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]
Jah damnit! We're stuck.
At least you're not cold blooded!
[He puts a glove over his mouth.]
Sweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor
[He points at Farnsworth who is skis well. He is actually asleep.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela ski.]
Look out! We're heading straight for
Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.
(mechanical voice) Trees down.
[The trees go down and Fry and Leela ski over them.]
Cool. Hey what do you do if you want
the trees up?
(mechanical voice) Trees up
[The trees go up and one takes Fry with it. He is stuck at the
top of one.]
(hoarse) Trees down!
(mechanical voice) Trees down.
[They go back down and Fry gets buried under the snow with one.
Bender speeds past on a snowboard. He is wearing a red and blue
hat and has a cigar in his mouth.]
Lookin' good, meatball!
[A man skis alongside Bender.]
Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding
off the trail.
Lick my frozen metal ass. Uh-oh!
[He falls over the edge of a cliff and screams as he falls towards
a frozen lake. Children skate on the ice. Bender plummets straight
through the surface. The ice around cracks and the children fall
in. They scream.]
[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another.
He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled
car and Fry stands behind him.]
You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to
Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand
years ago there was a legendary team
of Jamaican bobsledders.
Yup, I remember. They came in last at
the Olympics then retired to promote
A true inspiration for the children.
Um, a little help please? (screaming)
[Zoidberg laughs, slips, falls and slides down the track after
Hermes. Fry laughs.]
Oh, what the hell! Ow!
[Catskills Ski Lodge. Amy is chats up a man in a cast.]
You poor man. What happened to you?
Well, there I was on the triple diamond
slope, when suddenly--
Oh, excuse me. Hello there.
[Farnsworth skis into the lodge and wakes up to discover a bronze
medal around his neck.]
[Time Lapse. The staff all sport various injuries and sit around
a blazing fire with their feet up.]
Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super
Soaker of fine cognac.
[He squirts some into his mouth.]
Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas
Christmas. You know? X-M-A-S.
Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using
an archaic pronunciation. Like when
you say "ask" instead of "aks".
Xmas, huh? Y'know this'll be my first
Xmas away from home.
Hey, hey. Let me aks you something:
Would it cheer you up if we went and
cut down an Xmas tree?
Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree!
[Forest. Fry seems disappointed that Xmas trees are palm trees.]
Hey! These aren't Xmas trees!
They're supposed to be some kinda, you
know, pine tree.
Pine trees have been extinct for 800
years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle
and your primitive notions of modesty.
This isn't the way Christmas is supposed
[He leans against Fry and pats his shoulder.]
That's not true.
[She swings an axe and a laser on the end cuts through a palm
tree. It falls.]
[The ship flies across New New York with the Xmas tree tied to
the roof. It lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Zoidberg puts down a box marked
"Xmas Decorations" and cuts the tape with his claw. Bender rocks
back and forth in a chair with Nibbler on his lap.]
Xmas tree oh Xmas tree! Bah boo bee
boo bah bee boh.
[Leela sits on the arm of a couch in front of the fire and Fry
sits next to her on the couch. The Xmas tree is in the middle
of the room. Farnsworth leads a string of lights around the bottom
of the trunk. Amy takes a star out of a box and uses a jet pack
to get to the top of the tree. She hits her head on the ceiling.
(nostalgic) Every Christmas my mom would
get a fresh goose for goose burgers
and my dad would whip up his special
eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
This dumb holiday just makes me think
of all the things I left behind. Let's
just stop talking about Xmas.
[Enter Hermes with some envelopes.]
Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards
have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you
go, Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty
haul for Bender.
Yes! I got the most! I win Xmas!
And last, but not least, the sweet flower
of the office: Me. Hermes Conrad.
[Leela is disappointed. Bender looks at his card. On the front
is an ASCII Xmas tree.]
Hmm. Ah, a picture of my mommy.
Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin
Zoidfarb. Instead of "Claus" he writes
"Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's
comedians could learn from this card.
[Leela watches the others. She sighs and walks out.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela opens her locker and gets
out a photo album. She looks at photos of her childhood. One
shows her as a baby in an area marked "Abandoned Property". Another
shows her outside the Orphanarium, smiling. Children point at
her and laugh. Another shows her at her senior prom with no date.
She closes the album and a tear falls onto it.]
[Planet Express: Attic Room.]
What's the point of Xmas when everyone
you know died a thousand years ago?
I'm the lonliest person on Earth. Hey,
Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here,
huh? Yoiks! What was that about?
Fluh! She's an orphan.
Yes, and the only one of her species
in all the known universe. What a lonely
[He walks off shaking his head.]
My God! Poor Leela.
(upbeat) Hey, buddy, heard you needed
cheering up! Well old Bender'll make
you laugh. Look at me look! Oh, man,
I gotta work on my act!
[Time Lapse. Fry has taken off his jacket.]
I feel like a rat. Here I am whining
like a pig while all along Leela was
lonely as a frog. I could kick myself.
I'll do it for you.
[She kicks him in the shin.]
You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry.
You'd have to be blind not to notice
that Leela's a cyclops.
[He is actually talking to Hermes.]
Fry's over there, man.
[He adjust his glasses and looks around the room. Bender sits
in a chair with his feet up.]
Xmas Eve; Another day where I accomplish
[He slurps brandy and turns the TV on to the news.]
The holiday season is a time of celebration
for most. But it is also a time to remember
the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.
Earthlings do not yet know the meaning
[He cackles. Linda chuckles.]
Earlier today I visited a shelter for
down-and-out robots. Homeless robots,
too poor to afford even the basic alchohol
they need to fuel their circuits. Is
there anything sadder? Only drowning
puppies. And there would have to be
a lot of them.
[Bender heads for the door.]
Where are you going, Bender?
To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for
Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything
I'm very generous. What about that time
I gave blood?
I've got to do something to show Leela
how sorry I am.
So what's the problem? Just get down
on your claws and do the apology dance.
[He starts scuttling and singing.]
So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I
have a better idea! I'll go out and
get her the perfect Xmas present. Something
so great she'll never want to be unhappy
Just be back by sundown, mon.
We'll see. I like to haggle.
You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll
Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa
I know about Santa Claus.
Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company
built a robotic Santa to determine who'd
be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute
presents accordingly. But something
Wow! 2801! Anyway...
[He turns to leave.]
Wait, you fool! Due to a programming
error, Santa's standards were set too
high and he invariably judges everyone
to be naughty.
If he catches you after dark, he'll
chop off your head and stuff your neck
full of toys from his sack of horrors.
Nice meeting you.
[New New York City Street. Bender is dressed as a homeless robot,
wearing a torn woollen hat and fingerless gloves. He walks into
Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen.]
[Cut to: Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is greeted
by the Preacherbot.]
Welcome, brother! May the blessings
of the season be upon you.
Yeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of
those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing
about. Could you point me to the free
booze. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[Alien Overlord & Taylor. The department store advertises and
Xmas Sale with "3% Off".]
There's this girl who I really like
but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help
Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the
food court. Though there's a line this
time of year.
No, I need to get her a gift. And I
need it before sundown.
Well, you can't go wrong with something
traditional. A Surface-to-Santa rocket
launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking
[A missile points itself at Fry.]
[Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is finishing
off his seventh bowl of liquor.]
Oh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure kow
how to live. Hey, chief, someone's
stealing your handkerchief full of crap.
[The robot turns around and Bender steals his bowl. A little
robot with a leg missing holds out a bowl to the Preacherbot.]
Excuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of
I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out
[He turns, coughs, and limps away.]
My God! That poor kid!
[Joe's Ark Pet Store.]
You're the last store open. I need something
for my friend Leela. Just give me your
Best? Well that's a matter of opinion.
I personally like the Electric Snail.
[He picks up the snail in a jar. It's shell sparks with electricity.]
That's a stupid animal. You're stupid!
I said I want the best one. Now which
costs more? The parrot or the Stink
The lizards are a buck each, the parrot
That's a hell of a good parrot. Although,
I could get 500 lizards for the same
price. Girls like swarms of lizards,
Sir, the store is closing in two minutes.
Alright, I'll take the 500 lizards.
No, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The
[The parrot squawks.]
[Outside Joe's Ark Pet Store. Fry walks away with his parrot
and the shop closes.]
Well, I spent every penny I had but
I bet Leela's gonna love you. Hey,
you're quite the talker, aren't you?
Shut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird!
I know where you live.
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy ties a ribbon around an present.
She holds the knot with her finger and Zoidberg cuts off the
excess. On the other side of the room, Farnsworth and Hermes
play chess naked. Enter Leela.]
Hey, it's Leela.
Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't
mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
Huh? You were gone?
It's just that I get tired of Fry always
only thinking of himself.
I hear that! I aks him to set the table.
Instead he goes out to buy you a present.
Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's
I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is
coming to town!
[New New York City Street. The parrot flies towards a tall building
with a large digital clockface. Fry looks up at it from the street.]
Alright, bird, you thought you could
beat me in a game of wits. But you just
met your equal.
[Cut to: Outside Building. Fry opens a hatch and steps out onto
the clock face. He drops the cage and gulps. The parrot edges
away from him. He steps closer to it. The parrot moves to the
[He leaps for the bird but it flies away before he can get a
hold of it. He loses his balance and falls. He grabs onto the
2 on the clock. It changes to a 3 then a 4. He falls a little
further. It changes to a 5, a 6 and then a 7. With nothing to
hold onto he falls. Leela grabs him from a hatch.]
Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life.
I am gonna get you so many lizards.
[New New York City Street. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]
You didn't need to buy me a present,
I just wanted to do something to make
you happy. I mean, I miss my family
but you never even had a family.
It's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely.
But together we're lonely together.
[They hold hands.]
Merry Xmas, Leela.
[A huge shadow creeps over them followed by two loud bangs. They
Oh, boy! It's Santa!
[Santa's eyes turn around 180-degrees, making him look angry.]
Ho, ho, ho! You've been very naughty,
Fry and Leela. I checked my list.
Well check it twice!
I perform over 50 mega-checks per second.
You're both naughty for disregarding
each other's feelings.
But we set things right. Fry even risked
his life to get me a present.
But what about your other co-workers?
Did either of you ever stop to think
about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
No! I swear!
Santa has something very special in
his sack for you two!
[Fry smiles. Santa pulls out a laser gun and shoots them. They
scream and run away.]
[Outside Hattie's House. Bender and some other robots are singing
(singing) So lock the door and hit the
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.
Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us
in for a traditional glass of hard cider?
Oh, alright. But just one glass! (from
inside) OK, that's enough. I said that's
(from inside) Get her purse!
[New New York City Street. Fry and Leela are still running from
Santa. They jump to the ground and Santa swoops over them in
his sleigh, turns around and heads back towards them.]
Please let us live! We'll put out milk
and cookies for you!
You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove
coal so far up your stocking you'll
be coughing up diamonds!
[He throws a bauble-bomb at Fry and Leela. They run into an alcove
and it explodes. Santa flies his sleigh around ready for the
kill. Leela tries a door but it's locked.]
I never thought it would end this way:
Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly,
I didn't see it coming!
[Santa gets closer. Fry and Leela crouch down in a corner.]
Goodbye, Leela. Hey, look: We're under
[Leela looks up and they both look at each other. They move towards
each other to kiss.]
Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W.
[He shoots at them. Fry and Leela scream. The parrot flies in
front of the alcove and gets hit by the missile and explodes.
Feathers flutter down.]
Uh, you're present may need some assembly.
[Elsehwhere, Bender and the other robots are carrying lots of
(singing) On the 4th day of Xmas I stole
from that lady.
(singing) Four family photos.
(singing) Three jars of pennies.
(singing) Two former husbands.
(singing) And a slipper on a shoe tree.
[He throws the slipper down the sewer. Raoul waves through the
Oh, thank you!
[Fry and Leela come running down the street.]
(shouting) Somebody help us.
It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot
No, wait, I know these guys. They got
[Bender runs towards Fry and Leela. Santa flies over them.]
Ho ho ho! You've been very naughty,
What? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're
thinking of the kid.
[He points at Tinny Tim.]
My God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's
so naughty I'll have to add it to my
list right now. Framing ... I-N-G ...
... an ...
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Zoidberg
are sat under the Xmas Tree exchanging gifts.]
Amy, this is for you: A set of combs
for your beautiful hair.
Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair
to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of
combs for Hermes.
[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]
Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could
buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]
Thank you. These'll come in handy for
my new hair. Finally I look as pretty
as I feel!
(shouting; from outside) Help!
(shouting; from outside) Help!
(shouting; from outside) Help!
[The staff look through the window. Fry, Leela and the robots
are still being chased by Santa. They run towards the Planet
Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep.
And there's no trash pickup until January
[Enter Fry, Leela and the robots. There is a crash on the roof.]
Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the
Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover!
[The chimney is nearly covered when Santa sticks a candy cane
through a gap and rolls the cover back. The crew gasp. Santa
and the reindeer fly in.]
Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
[Hermes dives behind the sofa.]
You've all been very naughty. Very naughty
indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this
is for you.
[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]
[He giggles and bounces around the room.]
As for the rest of you, I'm going to
tear off your skin like wrapping paper
and deck the halls with your guts.
Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa
Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't
believe in him he can't hurt you. Ow!
God! The pain!
Ho ho ho! Time to get jolly on your
[He laughs maniacly.]
Watch out! His belly is shaking like
a bowl full of nitro-glycerine!
[A reindeers nose beeps and flashes red.]
(shouting) He's gonna blow.
[Everyone screams. Zoidberg cuts a wire hanging from the Xmas
[The wire falls and electrocutes Santa. Leela kicks him and the
rest of the staff use the Xmas tree to push him and his sleigh
into the chimney. The robots cover it with the armour-plated
cover. The reindeer beeps faster and the cover rocks as Santa
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Santa, the sleigh and the reindeer
fly upwards away from the building.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express crew, LaBarbara
and the homeless robots are sat around the table talking.]
Yes, good thing I got us out of that
[Bender brings a covered plate in from the kitchen.]
Xmas dinner, everyone.
[He pulls the cover off. The dinner is the exploded parrot.]
Uh, Bender? Where did you get that bird?
I found it lying in the street, like
all the food I cook. Dig in, everyone.
[He cuts a piece off and puts it on Tinny Tim's plate.]
Thank you, sir.
You got the toenail! Oh!
Look, the food isn't what's important.
I'm so hungry.
The important thing is we're all together
for Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded
by robots and monsters and old people,
I've never felt more at home.
Hear, hear! Now let's all of us shut
up and sing!
[They gather around a piano.]
He knows when you are sleeping.
He knows when you're on the can.
He'll hunt you down and blast your ass
from here to Pakistan.
You'd better not breathe, You'd better
You're better off dead, I'm telling
Santa Claus is gunning you down!
[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing
Merry Xmas, everyone!
[He joins the others at the piano and it snows again outside.]
[Closing Credits. A version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas
plays. Santa and his reindeer fly by.]
I'll be back. Back when you least expect
it: Next Xmas! Ho ho ho!