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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


 
               
                       GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS



                           Written by

                  Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               You know, why we're here? To be out, 
               this is out...and out is one of the 
               single most enjoyable experiences of 
               life. People...did you ever hear people 
               talking about "We should go out"? This 
               is what they're talking about...this 
               whole thing, we're all out now, no one 
               is home. Not one person here is home, 
               we're all out! There are people tryin' 
               to find us, they don't know where we 
               are. (imitates one of these people "tryin' 
               to find us"; pretends his hand is a 
               phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find 
               him." (imitates other person on phone) 
               "Where did he go?" (the first person 
               again) "He didn't tell me where he was 
               going". He must have gone out. You wanna 
               go out: you get ready, you pick out 
               the clothes, right? You take the shower, 
               you get all ready, get the cash, get 
               your friends, the car, the spot, the 
               reservation...There you're staring around, 
               whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be 
               getting back". Once you're out, you 
               wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, 
               you wanna get up, you wanna go out again 
               tomorrow, right? Where ever you are 
               in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta 
               go.
 
               
               
               
               (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Seems to me, that button is in the worst 
               possible spot. (talking about George's 
               shirt) The second button literally makes 
               or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's 
               too high! It's in no-man's-land, you 
               look like you live with your mother.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Are you through? (kind of irritated)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You do of course try on, when you buy?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't 
               actually recall considering the buttons.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you don't recall?

               
                             GEORGE
               (pretends he's talking into a microphone) 
               Uh, no, not at this time.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, senator, I just like to know, 
               what you knew and when you knew it. 
               (a waitress approaches the table)
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in 
               his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants 
               to pour coffee, but George stops her)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's 
               the orange indicator?
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               It's missing, I have to do it in my 
               head: decaf left, regular right, decaf 
               left, regular right...it's very challenging 
               work. (ironically)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, 
               Claire is a professional waitress.
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               Trust me George: no one has any interest 
               in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours 
               the coffee and walks away)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How come you're not doin' the second 
               show tomorrow?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, there's this uh, woman might be 
               comin' in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second, wait a second, what coming 
               in, what woman is coming in?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I told you about Laura, the girl I met 
               in Michigan?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you didn't!

               
                             JERRY
               I thought I told you about it, yes, 
               she teaches political science? I met 
               her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks 
               in the milk can) There's no milk in 
               here, what...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes 
               the milk can from Jerry and puts it 
               on the table) what is she like?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's 
               got like a real warmth about her and 
               she's really bright and really pretty 
               and uh...the conversation though, I 
               mean, it was...talking with her is like 
               talking with you, but, ya know, obviously 
               much better.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (with a big smile) So, ya know, what, 
               what happened?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it 
               was great.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is great!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, ya know, she calls and says she 
               wants to go out with you tomorrow night? 
               God bless! Devil you!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she 
               said, you know, she called this morning 
               and said she had to come in for a seminar 
               and maybe we'll get together.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had 
               to"? "Had to come in"?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but...

               
                             GEORGE
               "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get 
               together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: 
               you're not gonna see this woman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (indignant) What, are you serious...why, 
               why did she call?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe 
               she wanted to be polite.
 
               
                             JERRY
               To be polite? You are insane!

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, all right, I didn't want 
               to tell you this, you wanna know why 
               she called you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes!

               
                             GEORGE
               You're a back-up, you're a second-line, 
               a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I get it, this is about the button.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (The waitress(Claire) passes the table; 
               George stops her and writes something 
               on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're 
               a woman, right?
 
               
                             CLAIRE
               What gave it away, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you 
               to analyze a hypothetical phone call, 
               ya know, from a female point of view.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Oh, come on now, what are 
               you asking her? Now, how is she gonna 
               know?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all 
               right? She says she has to (makes some 
               gestures to accent "has to") come to 
               New York on business...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh you are beautiful! (ironically)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               and, and maybe (again some gestures) 
               she'll see me when she gets there, does 
               this woman intend to spend time with 
               me?
 
               
                             CLAIRE
               I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows 
               his note-block to Jerry, it says very 
               largely: NO)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Claire) So why did she call?

               
                             CLAIRE
               To be polite.

               
                             GEORGE
               To be polite, I rest my case.

               
                             JERRY
               Good. Did you have fun? You have no 
               idea, what you're talking about, now, 
               come on, come with me (stands up), I, 
               I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer 
               anyway.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy".
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Come on, I'm tired.

               
                             CLAIRE
               (to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a 
               little caffeine: he'll perk up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (takes off his glasses and rubs his 
               eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...! 
               (Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away 
               with a smile)
 
               
               
               
               (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one 
               of the dryers)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this 
               is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. 
               (walks away from the dryer; a man passes 
               George and Jerry)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got 
               everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, 
               fabric softeners; this is not his first 
               load.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta 
               get out of the city, I feel so cramped...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And you didn't even hear how she sounded.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What?!

               
                             JERRY
               Laura.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe: (falls on his knees) 
               WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry 
               (starts snapping his fingers), it's 
               signals! Don't you....all right. Did 
               she even ask you, what you were doin' 
               tomorrow night, if you were busy?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               She calls you today and she doesn't 
               make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? 
               It's Saturday night!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry 
               bobs agreeingly) You don't even know, 
               what hotel she's staying at, you can't 
               call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's 
               a signal! (snaps his fingers again) 
               Signal!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you're right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               This is insane. You know, I don't even 
               know where she's staying! She, she's 
               not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (puts an arm around Jerry and whispers) 
               I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen, 
               your stuff has to be done by know, why 
               don't you just see if it's dried?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. 
               The machine is working, it, it knows 
               what it's doing, just let it finish.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're gonna "overdry" it.

               
                             JERRY
               You, you can't "overdry".

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               Same as you can't "overwet". (George 
               looks puzzled) You see, once something 
               is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: 
               like once you die you're dead, right? 
               Let's say you drop dead and I shoot 
               you: you're not gonna die again, you're 
               already dead. You can't "overdie", you 
               can't "overdry".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (looks at the other persons in the laundry 
               and says to them pointing to Jerry) 
               Any questions?
 
               
                             JERRY
               How could she not tell me where she 
               was staying? (George stands by the dryer 
               again and secretly opens it: the dryer 
               stops working and George closes the 
               lid)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (points to the dryer) Look at that: 
               they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry 
               looks surprised)
 
               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day 
               in the live of clothes. It is...no, 
               think about it: the washing machine 
               is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, 
               it's dark, there's bubbles happening, 
               they're all kind a dancing around in 
               there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon 
               babe, let's gather". You come by, you 
               open up the lid and they'll: (shows 
               how clothes are acting when you open 
               the lid)...Socks are the most amazing 
               article of clothing. They hate their 
               lives, they're in the shoes with stinky 
               feet, the boring drawers...the dryer 
               is their only chance to escape and they 
               all know it. They knew a escape from 
               the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, 
               the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow, 
               the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" 
               The dryer-door swings open and the sock 
               is waiting up against the side wall. 
               They hope you don't see him and then 
               he goes down the road (shows how the 
               sock is going down the road). They got 
               buttons sewed on their faces: join the 
               puppet show...So they're showing me 
               on television the detergent for getting 
               out blood-stains...Is this a violent 
               image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, 
               I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains 
               all over it, maybe laundry isn't your 
               biggest problem right now...Maybe you 
               oughta get the harpoon out your chest 
               first.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)

               
                             JERRY
               (The phone rings. He picks it up and 
               says:) If you know what happened in 
               the Mets-game, don't say anything, I 
               taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, 
               you have the wrong number...Yeah, no 
               (somebody knocks at the door) Yeah? 
               (to the door, while still at the phone)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (enters) Are you up?

               
                             JERRY
               (To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah, 
               people do move! Have you ever seen the 
               big trucks out on the street? Yeah, 
               no problem (hangs up the phone).
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing? 
               Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't 
               understand the name; maybe "Kramer" 
               wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!) 
               I taped the game, it's one o'clock in 
               the morning! I avoided human contact 
               all night to watch this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought 
               you knew...(takes two loaves of bread 
               out of his pockets) You got any meat?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (a little irritated) Meat? I don't, 
               I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks 
               to the refrigerator and sticks his head 
               in) Well what, what happened in the 
               game anyway?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (still with his head in the refrigerator) 
               What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's 
               what happened! (takes some meat from 
               the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know, 
               I almost wound up going to that game.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the 
               game. You haven't been out of the building 
               in ten years!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. 
               Kramer sits down next to him and starts 
               turning over the pages of a magazine. 
               Suddenly he spots an article he likes 
               and tears it out. Jerry looks at him 
               with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" 
               and Kramer asks:) Are you done with 
               this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               (glues the article back with his own 
               saliva and puts the magazine back on 
               the table) When you're done, let me 
               know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I thought I wasn't allowed to be in 
               here this weekend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's OK now, that, that girl is 
               not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole 
               thing.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You want me to talk to her?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you 
               know that I was almost... a lawyer. 
               (shows with his fingers how close it 
               was)
 
               
                             JERRY
               That close, huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               You better believe it. (The phone rings. 
               Jerry picks it up)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.

               
                             KRAMER
               Give me it...let me talk to her (continues 
               this way).
 
               
                             JERRY
               (gestures Kramer to shut up) No believe 
               me, I'm always up at this hour. How 
               are you?...great...sure...What time 
               does the plane get in?...I got my friend 
               George to take me...(Kramer suddenly 
               notices something in the Mets-game on 
               TV)...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               A SLIDE!...Wow!

               
                             JERRY
               ...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah, 
               I got it (takes a pencil and a cereal 
               box to write on) ten-fifteen...No, don't 
               be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, 
               great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll 
               see you tomorrow...great, bye. (hangs 
               up the phone; to Kramer:) I, I don't 
               believe it...That, that was her. She 
               wants to stay here!
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               If my father was moving this he'd had 
               to have a cigarette in his mouth the 
               whole way. (talks from now on like he 
               has a cigarette in his mouth) Have you 
               got your end?...Your end's got to come 
               down first, easy now, drop it down...drop 
               it down, your end's got to come down.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' 
               in an extra bed for woman, that wants 
               to sleep with you. Why don't you bring 
               in an extra guy too? (sits down)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (hands George a beer) Look, it's a very 
               awkward situation, I, I don't wanna 
               be presumptuous.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, all right, one more time, 
               one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing 
               of the request?
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, she said she couldn't find 
               a decent hotel- room...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A decent hotel-room...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it 
               be terribly inconvenient if she stayed 
               at my place.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't be serious. This is New York 
               city: there must be eleven million decent 
               hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? 
               (waves with his handkerchief) This is 
               the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (cynical) This is the signal. Thank 
               you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I think I was affected by the caffeine. 
               (suddenly a dog enters the apartment 
               and jumps George at the couch) HO, HO, 
               HO, GOOD DOG (etc.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (walks in behind the dog and closes 
               the door) He really likes you, George.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (ironically) Well, that's flattering.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently 
               starts drinking from the toilet) Oh, 
               he's getting' a drink of water. (sees 
               the mattress on the floor) Is this for 
               that girl?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why even give her an option?

               
                             JERRY
               This is a person I like, it's not: "How 
               to score on spring break".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, 
               I'm gonna get a ticket.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, 
               I forgot to clean the bathroom.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So what? That's good.

               
                             JERRY
               Now, how could that be good?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because filth is good...Whatta you think: 
               rock stars have sponges and ammonia 
               lyin' around the bathroom? They, they 
               have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta 
               tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters 
               you never do what your instincts tell 
               you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               This is how you operate?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I wish.

               
                             JERRY
               Let me just wipe the sink.

               
                             KRAMER
               (stands up from the couch and yells.) 
               WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? (Jerry 
               walks to the bathroom and closes the 
               door; to George, while pointing to the 
               mattress) It's unbelievable.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...How's the real estate-business?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               ...(surprised he asked) It's uh, not 
               bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you 
               need something.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Do you handle any of that commercial...real 
               estate?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I might be getting in to that.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (slaps George on the arm) You keep me 
               posted!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm aware of you, all right, let's go 
               (opens the bathroom door), let's go! 
               (Jerry and the dog come out) You're 
               on stage in 25 minutes.
 
               
               
               
               (Comedy club.)

               
                             JERRY
               The dating world is not a fun world...it's 
               a pressure world, it's a world of tension, 
               it's a world of pain...and ya know, 
               if a woman comes over to my house, I 
               gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause 
               she needs things. Women need equipment. 
               I don't know what they need. I know 
               I don't have it, I know that...Ya know 
               what they need, women seem to need a 
               lot of cotton-balls. This is the one 
               I'm, always has been one of the amazing 
               things to me...I have no cotton-balls, 
               we're all human beings, what is the 
               story? I've never had one...I never 
               bought one, I never needed one, I've 
               never been in a situation, when I thought 
               to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball 
               right now"...I can certainly get out 
               of this mess...Women need them and they 
               don't need one or two, they need thousands 
               of them, they need bags, they're like 
               peat-moss bags, have you ever seen these 
               giant bags? They're huge and two days 
               later, they're out, they're gone, the, 
               the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, 
               ladies? What are you doin' with them? 
               The only time I ever see'em is in the 
               bottom of your little waste basket, 
               there's two or three, that look like 
               they've been through some horrible experience... 
               tortured, interrogated, I don't know 
               what happened to them...I once went 
               out with a girl who's left a little 
               zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over 
               my house. I don't know what to do with 
               them, I took them out, I put them on 
               my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. 
               I thought maybe the cockroaches would 
               see it, figure this is a dead town: 
               "Let's move on"... The dating world 
               is a world of pressure. Let's face it: 
               a date is a job-interview, that lasts 
               all night. The only difference between 
               a date and a job-interview is: not many 
               job-interviews is there a chance you'll 
               end up naked at the end of it...ya know: 
               "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're 
               the man for the position, why don't 
               you strip down and meet some of the 
               people you'll be workin' with?".
 
               
               
               
               (Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura)

               
                             JERRY
               Wouldn't it be great if you could ask 
               a woman what she's thinking?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What a world that would be, if you just 
               could ask a woman what she's thinkin'.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: 
               I've gotta pick up clues, the whole 
               thing is a murder investigation.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 
               'cause you're gonna know the whole story 
               the minute she steps off the plane.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really? How?

               
                             GEORGE
               'Cause it's all in the greeting.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, if she puts the bags down 
               before she greets you, that's a good 
               sign.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" 
               is good.
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Lip-area".

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya know a hug: definitely good.

               
                             JERRY
               Hug is definitely good.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sure.

               
                             JERRY
               Although what if it's one of those hugs 
               where the shoulders are touching, the 
               hips are eight feet apart?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's so brutal, I hate that.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya know how they do that?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's why, ya know, a shake is bad.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? 
               The hand on the bottom, the hand on 
               the top, the warm look in the eyes?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hand-sandwich.

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               I see, well, that's open to interpretation. 
               Because so much depends on the layering 
               and the quality of the wetness in the 
               eyes...(suddenly a woman approaches 
               Jerry from behind and puts her hands 
               over Jerry's eyes)
 
               
                             LAURA
               Guess who?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey.

               
                             LAURA AND JERRY
               Heeeey! (they take each others hands 
               like they're planning to do a folk dance; 
               George is looking puzzled)
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's good to see you.

               
                             LAURA
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               This is my friend George.

               
                             LAURA
               (shakes George's hand) Hi, how nice 
               to meet you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, how are you?

               
                             JERRY
               This is Laura.

               
                             GEORGE
               Laura, sure.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Laura) I can't believe you're here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE AND JERRY
               Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. (they pick 
               up the bags)
 
               
                             LAURA
               Oh, thank you.

               
                             JERRY
               (privately to George) Now that was an 
               interesting greeting, did you notice 
               that, George?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting". 
               That wasn't in the manual, I don't know.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               So uh, what do ya think?

               
                             LAURA
               Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work 
               on the road...So uh, make yourself at 
               home. (Laura sits down on the couch, 
               takes off her shoes and opens some buttons 
               of her shirt) So uh, can I get you anything? 
               Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?
 
               
               
                             LAURA
               (laughs) Actually uhm, do you have any 
               wine?
 
               
               JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do.

               
                             LAURA
               Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? 
               (points to the lamp)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. (she turns 
               down the lamp)
 
               
                             LAURA
               Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wondering: would 
               it be possible, and if it's not, fine, 
               for me to stay here tomorrow night too?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you 
               stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what 
               is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, 
               are you doin' anything?
 
               
                             LAURA
               No, I'd love to do something, uh, I 
               have my seminar in the morning, then 
               after that I'm right open.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really? What would you like to do?
 
               
               
                             LAURA
               Well...now I know this sounds touristy, 
               but I'd just love to go on one of those 
               five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (doubtfully) Yeah, we could do that...why 
               not, why not. (pours the wine) I'm just, 
               I'm really glad you're here. (the phone 
               rings; he picks it up) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, 
               she is, hold on. (to Laura) Uhm, it's 
               for you.
 
               
                             LAURA
               (she takes the phone) Hello?...Hi!...no 
               no it was great, right on time...no, 
               I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, 
               yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a 
               boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not 
               gonna have this conversation...look 
               I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye 
               (she hangs up the phone). Never get 
               engaged.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're engaged?

               
                             LAURA
               You, you really have no idea what it's 
               like until you actually do it and I'm 
               on this emotional roller coaster.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're engaged? (still can't believe 
               it)
 
               
                             LAURA
               Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. 
               You have to start thinking in terms 
               of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're engaged! (like he's answering 
               his own question)
 
               
                             LAURA
               Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             LAURA
               You'd really like him...ya know, I can't 
               wait to get on that boat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Me too!

               
               
               
               (Comedy club.)

               
                             JERRY
               I swear, I have absolutely no idea what 
               women are thinking. I don't get it, 
               OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting 
               the signals. I am not getting it! Women, 
               they're so subtle, their little...everything 
               they do is subtle...men are not subtle, 
               we are obvious. Women know what men 
               want, men know what men want, what do 
               we want? We want women, that's it!...It's 
               the only thing we know for sure, it 
               really is: we want women. How do we 
               get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, 
               we don't know. The next step after that 
               we have no idea. This is why you see 
               men honking car-horns, yelling from 
               construction sites. These are the best 
               ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, 
               is that a beauty? Have you seen men 
               doing this? What is this? The man is 
               in the car, the woman walks by the front 
               of the car, he honks: (imitates horn).
               
               
               THE END 


Good News, Bad News



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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