THE ABSTINENCE
Written by
Steve Koren
(Jerry and George are sitting outside.)
GEORGE
Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying
over the Andes.
JERRY
Why are we flyin' over the Andes?
GEORGE
We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway,
the plane crashes. Who are you gonna
eat to survive?
JERRY
Kramer.
GEORGE
So fast? What about me?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
JERRY
Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein
content. It's better for you.
GEORGE
Well I would eat you.
JERRY
That's very nice, I guess.
GEORGE
I still don't see why you wouldn't eat
me. I'm your best friend.
JERRY
Look, if other people are having some,
I'll try you.
GEORGE
Thank you.
JERRY
Can I have a piece of that?
GEORGE
No.
(George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.)
LOUISE
George, I can't have sex.
GEORGE
With me or in general?
LOUISE
I went to the doctor today. I have mono.
GEORGE
Nucleosis.
LOUISE
Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.
GEORGE
No, no, pff...
LOUISE
How long is this not gonna be a problem
for me?
(Jerry's apartment...)
JERRY
Six weeks?
GEORGE
Yeah, six weeks.
JERRY
Well, so what? you've gone six weeks
before.
GEORGE
I can do six weeks standin' on my head.
I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point.
At least there was the possibility.
JERRY
Well, so, are you gonna break up with
her?
GEORGE
I don't know. I don't wanna be one of
those guys.
JERRY
What guys?
GEORGE
Like us. (Elaine enters)
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
So it's just mono.
ELAINE
Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any
medical advise, Elaine met a doctor.
And he's unattached.
JERRY
I thought the whole dream of dating
a doctor was debunked.
ELAINE
No, it's not debunked, it's totally
bunk.
JERRY
Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of
bunk.
GEORGE
No something is bunk and then you debunk
it.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Huh?
GEORGE
I think. (Pause as they all look down)
ELAINE
Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like
it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)
JERRY
Hello?
KATIE
Jerry.
JERRY
Oh hi, Katie.
KATIE
Listen, something just came up for Tuesday
at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio,
Jerry.
JERRY
I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's
no good. I'm doin' career day at my
old junior high.
KATIE
Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the
boss. Katie works for Jerry.
JERRY
Yes, all right, Katie.
KATIE
Sorry for the late notice.
JERRY
Yes, bye.
KATIE
You're the-- (He hangs up)
GEORGE
They asked you to do career day?
JERRY
Yeah, it's no big deal.
GEORGE
Oh with all due respect, I went there
too, and I work for a team that just
won the World Series.
JERRY
And you were integral.
(Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside
classroom. Teacher enters hall.)
TEACHER
Jerry, it was so nice of you to come
down here.
JERRY
I'm on next, right?
TEACHER
Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from
the Bronx zoo...
JERRY
The guy with the lizard.
TEACHER
Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets,
and the children just love him. And
we're outta time.
TEACHER
So can you come back tomorrow?
JERRY
I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me
from career day?
(Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.)
ELAINE
So do most doctors like ER or do you
guys just think it's fake?
BEN
I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not
really a doctor.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted
to you.
BEN
Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to
medical school, but I still have to
pass my licensing exam.
ELAINE
When do you take this exam?
BEN
I've taken it. Three times. I almost
passed the last one.
ELAINE
Well, you're basically a doctor. Right?
I mean, people do call you doctor.
BEN
Well, um...
ELAINE
Well, can I introduce you as doctor?
BEN
Yeah.
ELAINE
All right, that's all I wanted to know.
LOUISE
Mono. (George removes hand)
GEORGE
It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up
talking all night.
JERRY
So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
GEORGE
you know, just by conversing, you can
really learn a lot about a person.
JERRY
I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey, buddy. How was career day?
JERRY
Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy
went long.
GEORGE
You got bumped from career day?
JERRY
It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
KRAMER
They're trying to screw with your head.
JERRY
Now why would a junior high school want
to screw with my head?
KRAMER
Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone
number when you buy batteries? I don't
know.
GEORGE
Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing?
You can't smoke in here.
KRAMER
No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)
LARRY
Take it outside.
KRAMER
Come on, Larry. You know me.
LARRY
It bothers people, and it's against
the law.
JERRY
You can make all the laws you want,
he's still gonna bother people.
KRAMER
What, did they kick you out too?
MAN
Yeah, they kicked us all out.
TEACHER
Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry.
Care for a graham cracker?
JERRY
No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes
off) What? What is going on? What is
that about?
TEACHER
Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!
JERRY
But I was promised this slot.
TEACHER
Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the
line)
JERRY
Fire drill, can you believe that?
GEORGE
What is Pericles?
ALEX TREBEK
Pericles is correct.
JERRY
Like fire in a school is such a big
deal. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey, you got any matches?
JERRY
Middle drawer.
GEORGE
Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
ALEX TREBEK
We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle.'
KRAMER
Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)
JERRY
Hello?
KATIE
Jerry.
JERRY
Oh hi, Katie.
KATIE
I heard what happened to the junior
high. They can't bump you like that.
That is so unprofessional.
JERRY
Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
GEORGE
What is Borax?
ALEX TREBEK
Yes, you're right.
KATIE
They bump you in junior high, the next
thing you know you're being bumped in
high schools, colleges, trade schools.
Before you know it, Letterman's not
returning your calls. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Ashtrays?
JERRY
No, I don't have any ashtrays.
KRAMER
Ooh, cereal bowls.
KATIE
Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take
care of it.
JERRY
No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)
KRAMER
All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)
GEORGE
What is Tungsten or Wolfram?
ALEX TREBEK
We were looking for 'What is Tungsten,
or Wolfram'.
JERRY
Is this a repeat?
GEORGE
No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking
a lot clearer. Like this afternoon,
(To television) what is chicken Kiev,
(Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching
a documentary with Louise.
JERRY
Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're
no longer pre-occupied with sex, so
your mind is able to focus.
GEORGE
You think?
JERRY
Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your
brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from
what I know about you, your brain consists
of two parts: the intellect, represented
here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce),
and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows
large piece) Now granted, you have extracted
an astonishing amount from this little
scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this
previously useless lump, is now functioning
for the first time in its existence.
(Eats tiny piece of lettuce)
GEORGE
Oh my God. I just remembered where I
left my retainer in second grade. I'll
see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's
cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Need some more matches.
JERRY
What is goin' on in there?
KRAMER
I met some people smoking on the street,
so I invited them up to my apartment
to smoke.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
Well somebody had to. You know, just
because a person's a smoker, that doesn't
mean he's not a human being.
JERRY
It doesn't?
KRAMER
Jerry, these people aren't just going
to let themselves be flicked into the
ashbin of society.
JERRY
why not?
KRAMER
Well you can confine them, you can punish
them, you can cram them into the corner,
but they're not going away, Jerry.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
So when they're handing you those cadavers,
do you get to choose whether it's a
man or a woman?
BEN
I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me
out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with
a man)
ELAINE
Oh my God.
BEN
What's wrong?
ELAINE
It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless
friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover
her face)
SUE ELLEN
Elaine? Hi.
ELAINE
Oh hi, Sue Ellen.
SUE ELLEN
Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend
of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist.
He does Giuliani's gums.
ELAINE
Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben
Gelfen.
BEN
Well, I'm an intern.
ELAINE
Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor.
He's a very good doctor.
WOMAN
Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone
help?
ELAINE
Well, there's a doctor right here.
BEN
No there's not.
ELAINE
Can't you at least tell him what to
do?
BEN
Like what?
SUE ELLEN
Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
BEN
Right. Elevate your legs!
ELAINE
I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really
wishes he could've helped.
LARRY
I thought he was a doctor.
ELAINE
Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him
doctor. (She walks away and sees George
sitting down reading books) George.
(He holds up his hand to signal her
to wait a second.)
GEORGE
Of course. Absolute zero!
ELAINE
What? What is with all these books?
GEORGE
I stopped having sex.
KRAMER
All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right,
I got room for two, but the only thing
I have is in the non-filter section.
(Jerry enters) Hey.
JERRY
Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge
in there?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying
themselves. You know, they come in once,
it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)
KATIE
Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't
answer the phone.
JERRY
I was out.
KATIE
Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an
assembly.
JERRY
An assembly?
KATIE
Two hours in front of the entire junior
high, grades six through eight. That's
six grade, seventh grade--
JERRY
I understand. But what am I gonna talk
about for two hours?
KATIE
And, it is already in the school paper.
They cancelled Rick James.
JERRY
Superfreak?
KATIE
Yes.
ELAINE
What is your answer to number 74?
BEN
Medobolic acidosis.
ELAINE
No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis.
Duh!
BEN
Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.
ELAINE
Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having
sex.
GEORGE
Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's
simple physics. Calculate the velocity,
v, in relation to the trajectory, t,
in which g, gravity, of course remains
a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not
complicated.
JETER
Now who are you again?
GEORGE
George Costanza, assistant to the traveling
secretary.
WILLIAMS
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada
in Milwaukee?
GEORGE
Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do
you wanna win some ball games?
JETER
We won the World Series.
GEORGE
In six games.
JERRY
...so if you like to tell jokes, and
love to make people laugh, stand-up
comedy may be the career for you.
GEORGE
Nine minutes.
JERRY
How am I gonna fill two hours?
GEORGE
Hello? I can take an hour off your hands.
Give the kids a chance to see a real
live Yankee.
JERRY
And give you the chance to see some
real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes
to table)
WAITRESS
More coffee?
GEORGE
Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese
accent?
WAITRESS
Si
GEORGE
Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.
WAITRESS
Mute pragalas senor
GEORGE
Eh, don't mention it.
ELAINE
Portuguese?
GEORGE
Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese.
I must've picked it up.
ELAINE
How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped
having sex with Ben three days ago and
I don't know no Portuguese?
JERRY
Are you all right?
ELAINE
I don't know. It's just the last coupla
days my mind has been, not good.
JERRY
Wait a second, I know what's happening.
The no sex thing is having a reverse
effect on you.
ELAINE
What? What are you talking about?
JERRY
To a woman, sex is like the garbage
man. You just take for granted the fact
that any time you put some trash out
on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's
gonna come along and pick it up. But
now, it's like a garbage strike. The
bags are piling up in your head. The
sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting
through. You're stupid.
ELAINE
I don't understand.
JERRY
Exactly.
KRAMER
Hey buddy.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey, you should come over. Tonight's
pipe night.
JERRY
What? What happened to your face? It
looks like an old catcher's mitt.
KRAMER
What?
KRAMER
My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.
JERRY
It's from all that smoke. You've experienced
a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What
did you expect?
KRAMER
Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But
not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood.
Everything I have I owe to this face.
JERRY
And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
KRAMER
Look away, I'm hideous.
ELAINE
Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word.
Winnie the blank.
B
Pooh!
ELAINE
Pooh...(laughing)
B
No, it's Winnie the Pooh.
LOUISE
So the hospital called, turns out some
stupid intern screwed up my test. I
never had mono. So we can... you know.
JERRY
So what did you do?
GEORGE
I told her I would have to think about
it.
JERRY
But ultimately, you're gonna choose
in favor of sex, right?
GEORGE
I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve
the world this way.
JERRY
You mean, not subjecting yourself to
your sexual advances.
GEORGE
Simple joke from a simple man.
JERRY
So you're never gonna have sex again?
GEORGE
Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good
chance I was never gonna have sex again
anyway.
JERRY
So you ready for the assembly tomorrow?
You know what you're gonna say about
the Yankees?
GEORGE
Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared
some science experiments that will illuminate
the mind and dazzle the eye.
JERRY
I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework
stinks.
JACKIE
My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent.
In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going
to Kofu.
JACKIE
Oh no.
KRAMER
Jackie we gotta talk.
JACKIE
No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing
but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation.
Now get out.
KRAMER
But Jackie--
JACKIE
I said out.
KRAMER
Jackie, I think I gotta case against
the tobacco companies.
JACKIE
The who?
KRAMER
The tobacco companies.
JACKIE
I've been wanting a piece of them for
years.
JACKIE
Did that cigarette warning label mention
anything about damage to your appearance?
KRAMER
No, it didn't say anything.
JACKIE
So you're a victim. Now your face is
shallow, unattractive, disgusting.
KRAMER
So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
JACKIE
Your face is my case.
JERRY
How ya doin'?
ELAINE
Not good. I'm a moron.
JERRY
Well, don't worry about it. Once he
passes the test, you'll have sex again,
and you'll be fine.
ELAINE
Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm
here. You got eleven minutes?
JERRY
What for? Oh come on.
ELAINE
I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing
to do with you.
JERRY
I think it has something to do with
me.
ELAINE
You could read the paper through the
whole thing if you want.
JERRY
(thinks about it for a second as to
reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's
too weird.
ELAINE
Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?
GEORGE
You know, Louise. I think you'll find
this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--
LOUISE
George, I have to have sex.
GEORGE
I used to share that same outlook. But
now, I have so many things to occupy
my mind. For instance, the atom.
LOUISE
Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)
GEORGE
What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress
approaches)
WAITRESS
Mas Café?
GEORGE
Si, por favor.
JACKIE
Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has
turned this beautiful specimen, into
a horrible twisted freak.
KRAMER
Who could love me?
WILKIE
I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer
projects a rugged masculinity.
JACKIE
Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only
been exposed to smoke for four days.
By the time this case gets to trial,
he'll be nothing more than a shrunken
head.
WILKIE
All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our
offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen.
(She exits)
KRAMER
Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
JACKIE
You better believe it. Jackie's cashin'
in on your wretched disfigurement.
ELAINE
Congratulations! You passed!
BEN
Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
ELAINE
What? you're breaking up with me? But
I sacrificed and supported you while
you struggled. What about my dream of
dating a doctor?
BEN
I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that
after I became a doctor, I would dump
whoever I was with and find someone
better. That's the dream of becoming
a doctor.
ELAINE
Look it, are we going to have sex, or
not?
KATIE
Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's
finished singing, George goes on, then
you. (George enters)
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Where have you been? You know, you're
on next.
GEORGE
I got lost on the way over.
JERRY
Got lost? We went to school here for
three years.
GEORGE
What are these? (Holds test tubes to
his head like antennae) Take me to your
leader.
JERRY
Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex
with Louise!
GEORGE
No, the Portuguese waitress.
JERRY
The Portuguese waitress?
GEORGE
I calculated my odds of ever getting
together with a Portuguese waitress.
Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
KATIE
George, George, you're on.
GEORGE
No, no. I'm not going on.
JERRY
Then what'd you come down here for?
GEORGE
Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.
JERRY
It's good to have you back.
KATIE
One of you has to go on.
JERRY
All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage)
Hey kids. What's the deal with homework?
you're not working on your home! (Audience
boos)
KRAMER
It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
JACKIE
It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten
that offer yet.
KRAMER
Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company
called me. We had a little pow-wow.
JACKIE
A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow?
I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.
KRAMER
She made an offer. I took it.
JACKIE
How much?
KRAMER
No, no, no. There was no money.
JACKIE
No money? Then what'd we get?
KRAMER
Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man
billboard with Kramer on it)
JACKIE
This is the most public yet of my many
humiliations.
JERRY
Cancelled? But I was supposed to be
on tomorrow night.
LETTERMAN
Yeah, but then, you know, some people
were telling me about that little flap
out there at the junior high assembly.
And before that, you were bumped by
a lizard?
JERRY: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A .
LETTERMAN
those things, deadly dangerous. A long
time ago my uncle and a date are driving,
like, through Mexico. They see one on
the road, drags him out of the road,
and chews his face off. Listen, we'll
call you if anything opens up. Okay,
Jimmy?
JERRY
Jerry.
LETTERMAN
Right. Jerry.
THE END
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