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                           THE ABSTINENCE



                             Written by

                            Steve Koren




 
               
               
               (Jerry and George are sitting outside.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying 
               over the Andes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why are we flyin' over the Andes?

               
                             GEORGE
               We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, 
               the plane crashes. Who are you gonna 
               eat to survive?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer.

               
                             GEORGE
               So fast? What about me?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein 
               content. It's better for you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I would eat you.

               
                             JERRY
               That's very nice, I guess.

               
                             GEORGE
               I still don't see why you wouldn't eat 
               me. I'm your best friend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look, if other people are having some, 
               I'll try you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Thank you.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I have a piece of that?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
               (George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.)

               
                             LOUISE
               George, I can't have sex.

               
                             GEORGE
               With me or in general?

               
                             LOUISE
               I went to the doctor today. I have mono.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Nucleosis.

               
                             LOUISE
               Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, pff...

               
                             LOUISE
               How long is this not gonna be a problem 
               for me?
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment...)

               
                             JERRY
               Six weeks?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, six weeks.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, so what? you've gone six weeks 
               before.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can do six weeks standin' on my head. 
               I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. 
               At least there was the possibility.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, so, are you gonna break up with 
               her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. I don't wanna be one of 
               those guys.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What guys?

               
                             GEORGE
               Like us. (Elaine enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So it's just mono.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any 
               medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. 
               And he's unattached.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought the whole dream of dating 
               a doctor was debunked.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, it's not debunked, it's totally 
               bunk.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of 
               bunk.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No something is bunk and then you debunk 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think. (Pause as they all look down)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like 
               it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             KATIE
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hi, Katie.

               
                             KATIE
               Listen, something just came up for Tuesday 
               at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's 
               no good. I'm doin' career day at my 
               old junior high.
 
               
                             KATIE
               Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the 
               boss. Katie works for Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, all right, Katie.

               
                             KATIE
               Sorry for the late notice.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, bye.

               
                             KATIE
               You're the-- (He hangs up)

               
                             GEORGE
               They asked you to do career day?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's no big deal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh with all due respect, I went there 
               too, and I work for a team that just 
               won the World Series.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And you were integral.

               
               (Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside 
               classroom. Teacher enters hall.)
 
               
                             TEACHER
               Jerry, it was so nice of you to come 
               down here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm on next, right?

               
                             TEACHER
               Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from 
               the Bronx zoo...
 
               
                             JERRY
               The guy with the lizard.

               
                             TEACHER
               Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, 
               and the children just love him. And 
               we're outta time.
 
               
               
                             TEACHER
               So can you come back tomorrow?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me 
               from career day?
 
               
               (Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.)

               
                             ELAINE
               So do most doctors like ER or do you 
               guys just think it's fake?
 
               
                             BEN
               I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not 
               really a doctor.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted 
               to you.
 
               
                             BEN
               Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to 
               medical school, but I still have to 
               pass my licensing exam.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               When do you take this exam?

               
                             BEN
               I've taken it. Three times. I almost 
               passed the last one.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? 
               I mean, people do call you doctor.
 
               
               
                             BEN
               Well, um...

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, can I introduce you as doctor?
 
               
               
                             BEN
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, that's all I wanted to know.
 
               
               
               
                             LOUISE
               Mono. (George removes hand)

               
               
                             GEORGE
               It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up 
               talking all night.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               you know, just by conversing, you can 
               really learn a lot about a person.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, buddy. How was career day?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy 
               went long.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You got bumped from career day?

               
                             JERRY
               It was a mix-up, I'm sure.

               
                             KRAMER
               They're trying to screw with your head.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Now why would a junior high school want 
               to screw with my head?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone 
               number when you buy batteries? I don't 
               know.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? 
               You can't smoke in here.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)
 
               
               
                             LARRY
               Take it outside.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, Larry. You know me.

               
                             LARRY
               It bothers people, and it's against 
               the law.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can make all the laws you want, 
               he's still gonna bother people.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What, did they kick you out too?

               
                             MAN
               Yeah, they kicked us all out.

               
               
                             TEACHER
               Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. 
               Care for a graham cracker?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes 
               off) What? What is going on? What is 
               that about?
 
               
                             TEACHER
               Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But I was promised this slot.

               
                             TEACHER
               Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the 
               line)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Fire drill, can you believe that?

               
                             GEORGE
               What is Pericles?

               
                             ALEX TREBEK
               Pericles is correct.

               
                             JERRY
               Like fire in a school is such a big 
               deal. (Kramer enters)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you got any matches?

               
                             JERRY
               Middle drawer.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

               
                             ALEX TREBEK
               We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur 
               Conan Doyle.'
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             KATIE
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hi, Katie.

               
                             KATIE
               I heard what happened to the junior 
               high. They can't bump you like that. 
               That is so unprofessional.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What is Borax?

               
                             ALEX TREBEK
               Yes, you're right.

               
                             KATIE
               They bump you in junior high, the next 
               thing you know you're being bumped in 
               high schools, colleges, trade schools. 
               Before you know it, Letterman's not 
               returning your calls. (Kramer enters)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ashtrays?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't have any ashtrays.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, cereal bowls.

               
                             KATIE
               Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take 
               care of it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What is Tungsten or Wolfram?

               
                             ALEX TREBEK
               We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, 
               or Wolfram'.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is this a repeat?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking 
               a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, 
               (To television) what is chicken Kiev, 
               (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching 
               a documentary with Louise.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're 
               no longer pre-occupied with sex, so 
               your mind is able to focus.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You think?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your 
               brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from 
               what I know about you, your brain consists 
               of two parts: the intellect, represented 
               here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), 
               and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows 
               large piece) Now granted, you have extracted 
               an astonishing amount from this little 
               scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this 
               previously useless lump, is now functioning 
               for the first time in its existence. 
               (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my God. I just remembered where I 
               left my retainer in second grade. I'll 
               see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's 
               cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Need some more matches.

               
                             JERRY
               What is goin' on in there?

               
                             KRAMER
               I met some people smoking on the street, 
               so I invited them up to my apartment 
               to smoke.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well somebody had to. You know, just 
               because a person's a smoker, that doesn't 
               mean he's not a human being.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It doesn't?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, these people aren't just going 
               to let themselves be flicked into the 
               ashbin of society.
 
               
                             JERRY
               why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well you can confine them, you can punish 
               them, you can cram them into the corner, 
               but they're not going away, Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               So when they're handing you those cadavers, 
               do you get to choose whether it's a 
               man or a woman?
 
               
                             BEN
               I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me 
               out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with 
               a man)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God.

               
                             BEN
               What's wrong?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless 
               friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover 
               her face)
 
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Elaine? Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh hi, Sue Ellen.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend 
               of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. 
               He does Giuliani's gums.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben 
               Gelfen.
 
               
                             BEN
               Well, I'm an intern.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. 
               He's a very good doctor.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone 
               help?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, there's a doctor right here.
 
               
               
                             BEN
               No there's not.

               
                             ELAINE
               Can't you at least tell him what to 
               do?
 
               
                             BEN
               Like what?

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Shouldn't he elevate his legs?

               
                             BEN
               Right. Elevate your legs!

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really 
               wishes he could've helped.
 
               
                             LARRY
               I thought he was a doctor.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him 
               doctor. (She walks away and sees George 
               sitting down reading books) George. 
               (He holds up his hand to signal her 
               to wait a second.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course. Absolute zero!

               
                             ELAINE
               What? What is with all these books?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I stopped having sex.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, 
               I got room for two, but the only thing 
               I have is in the non-filter section. 
               (Jerry enters) Hey.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge 
               in there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying 
               themselves. You know, they come in once, 
               it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)
 
               
               
                             KATIE
               Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't 
               answer the phone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was out.

               
                             KATIE
               Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an 
               assembly.
 
               
                             JERRY
               An assembly?

               
                             KATIE
               Two hours in front of the entire junior 
               high, grades six through eight. That's 
               six grade, seventh grade--
 
               
                             JERRY
               I understand. But what am I gonna talk 
               about for two hours?
 
               
                             KATIE
               And, it is already in the school paper. 
               They cancelled Rick James.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Superfreak?

               
                             KATIE
               Yes.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               What is your answer to number 74?

               
                             BEN
               Medobolic acidosis.

               
                             ELAINE
               No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. 
               Duh!
 
               
                             BEN
               Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having 
               sex.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's 
               simple physics. Calculate the velocity, 
               v, in relation to the trajectory, t, 
               in which g, gravity, of course remains 
               a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not 
               complicated.
 
               
                             JETER
               Now who are you again?

               
                             GEORGE
               George Costanza, assistant to the traveling 
               secretary.
 
               
                             WILLIAMS
               Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada 
               in Milwaukee?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do 
               you wanna win some ball games?
 
               
                             JETER
               We won the World Series.

               
                             GEORGE
               In six games.

               
               
                             JERRY
               ...so if you like to tell jokes, and 
               love to make people laugh, stand-up 
               comedy may be the career for you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Nine minutes.

               
                             JERRY
               How am I gonna fill two hours?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. 
               Give the kids a chance to see a real 
               live Yankee.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And give you the chance to see some 
               real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes 
               to table)
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               More coffee?

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese 
               accent?
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Si

               
                             GEORGE
               Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               Mute pragalas senor

               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, don't mention it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Portuguese?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. 
               I must've picked it up.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped 
               having sex with Ben three days ago and 
               I don't know no Portuguese?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you all right?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. It's just the last coupla 
               days my mind has been, not good.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, I know what's happening. 
               The no sex thing is having a reverse 
               effect on you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               To a woman, sex is like the garbage 
               man. You just take for granted the fact 
               that any time you put some trash out 
               on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's 
               gonna come along and pick it up. But 
               now, it's like a garbage strike. The 
               bags are piling up in your head. The 
               sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting 
               through. You're stupid.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't understand.

               
                             JERRY
               Exactly.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you should come over. Tonight's 
               pipe night.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? What happened to your face? It 
               looks like an old catcher's mitt.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
               
                             KRAMER
               My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's from all that smoke. You've experienced 
               a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What 
               did you expect?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But 
               not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. 
               Everything I have I owe to this face.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look away, I'm hideous.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. 
               Winnie the blank.
 
               
                             B
               Pooh!

               
                             ELAINE
               Pooh...(laughing)

               
                             B
               No, it's Winnie the Pooh.

               
               
                             LOUISE
               So the hospital called, turns out some 
               stupid intern screwed up my test. I 
               never had mono. So we can... you know.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what did you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I told her I would have to think about 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But ultimately, you're gonna choose 
               in favor of sex, right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve 
               the world this way.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You mean, not subjecting yourself to 
               your sexual advances.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Simple joke from a simple man.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're never gonna have sex again?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good 
               chance I was never gonna have sex again 
               anyway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? 
               You know what you're gonna say about 
               the Yankees?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared 
               some science experiments that will illuminate 
               the mind and dazzle the eye.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework 
               stinks.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. 
               In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going 
               to Kofu.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               Oh no.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jackie we gotta talk.

               
                             JACKIE
               No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing 
               but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. 
               Now get out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               But Jackie--

               
                             JACKIE
               I said out.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jackie, I think I gotta case against 
               the tobacco companies.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               The who?

               
                             KRAMER
               The tobacco companies.

               
                             JACKIE
               I've been wanting a piece of them for 
               years.
 
               
               
               
                             JACKIE
               Did that cigarette warning label mention 
               anything about damage to your appearance?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, it didn't say anything.

               
                             JACKIE
               So you're a victim. Now your face is 
               shallow, unattractive, disgusting.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               Your face is my case.

               
               
                             JERRY
               How ya doin'?

               
                             ELAINE
               Not good. I'm a moron.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, don't worry about it. Once he 
               passes the test, you'll have sex again, 
               and you'll be fine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm 
               here. You got eleven minutes?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What for? Oh come on.

               
                             ELAINE
               I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing 
               to do with you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think it has something to do with 
               me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You could read the paper through the 
               whole thing if you want.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (thinks about it for a second as to 
               reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's 
               too weird.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, Louise. I think you'll find 
               this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--
 
               
               
                             LOUISE
               George, I have to have sex.

               
                             GEORGE
               I used to share that same outlook. But 
               now, I have so many things to occupy 
               my mind. For instance, the atom.
 
               
                             LOUISE
               Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress 
               approaches)
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Mas Café?

               
                             GEORGE
               Si, por favor.

               
               
                             JACKIE
               Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has 
               turned this beautiful specimen, into 
               a horrible twisted freak.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Who could love me?

               
                             WILKIE
               I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer 
               projects a rugged masculinity.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only 
               been exposed to smoke for four days. 
               By the time this case gets to trial, 
               he'll be nothing more than a shrunken 
               head.
 
               
                             WILKIE
               All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our 
               offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. 
               (She exits)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' 
               in on your wretched disfigurement.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Congratulations! You passed!

               
                             BEN
               Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should 
               see each other anymore.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? you're breaking up with me? But 
               I sacrificed and supported you while 
               you struggled. What about my dream of 
               dating a doctor?
 
               
                             BEN
               I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that 
               after I became a doctor, I would dump 
               whoever I was with and find someone 
               better. That's the dream of becoming 
               a doctor.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Look it, are we going to have sex, or 
               not?
 
               
               
                             KATIE
               Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's 
               finished singing, George goes on, then 
               you. (George enters)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Where have you been? You know, you're 
               on next.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I got lost on the way over.

               
                             JERRY
               Got lost? We went to school here for 
               three years.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What are these? (Holds test tubes to 
               his head like antennae) Take me to your 
               leader.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex 
               with Louise!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, the Portuguese waitress.

               
                             JERRY
               The Portuguese waitress?

               
                             GEORGE
               I calculated my odds of ever getting 
               together with a Portuguese waitress. 
               Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
 
               
               
                             KATIE
               George, George, you're on.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. I'm not going on.

               
                             JERRY
               Then what'd you come down here for?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's good to have you back.

               
                             KATIE
               One of you has to go on.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) 
               Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? 
               you're not working on your home! (Audience 
               boos)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten 
               that offer yet.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company 
               called me. We had a little pow-wow.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? 
               I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               She made an offer. I took it.

               
                             JACKIE
               How much?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. There was no money.

               
                             JACKIE
               No money? Then what'd we get?

               
                             KRAMER
               Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man 
               billboard with Kramer on it)
 
               
                             JACKIE
               This is the most public yet of my many 
               humiliations.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Cancelled? But I was supposed to be 
               on tomorrow night.
 
               
                             LETTERMAN
               Yeah, but then, you know, some people 
               were telling me about that little flap 
               out there at the junior high assembly. 
               And before that, you were bumped by 
               a lizard?
 
               
               JERRY: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A .

               
                             LETTERMAN
               those things, deadly dangerous. A long 
               time ago my uncle and a date are driving, 
               like, through Mexico. They see one on 
               the road, drags him out of the road, 
               and chews his face off. Listen, we'll 
               call you if anything opens up. Okay, 
               Jimmy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Jerry.

               
                             LETTERMAN
               Right. Jerry.

               
               
                             THE END


The Abstinence



Writers :   Steve Koren
Genres :   Comedy


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