The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE AIRPORT



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; 
               there's always a small problem "There'll 
               be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* 
               late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! 
               We're just trying to get one of those 
               *little* trucks to pull us up just a 
               *little* closer to the jetway so you 
               can walk down the narrow hallway and 
               there'll be a man there in a tight suit 
               and he'll tell you you have very little 
               time to make your connecting flight. 
               So move it!".
 
               
               Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. 
               Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, 
               boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, could you do me a favour? (pause) 
               Could you shut-up?They both chortle, 
               and Jerry is hot so he's taking his 
               coat off, but Elaine refuses to take 
               the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck 
               and before you can say "Planes, Trains 
               and Automobiles", they collide head-on 
               with a Snapple truck....
 
               
               Would you believe a big purple jeep?

               
               Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck...
 
               
               
               Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey guess what? This window doesn't 
               work.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: 
               the window doesn't work,
 
               
               the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker...
 
               
               
               (pause) Or is that you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Gimme ten bucks and find out...

               
                             JERRY
               So, this worked out pretty good. Them 
               givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you 
               get a free trip to St. Louis, I did 
               my gig, you got to
 
               
               see your sister...

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, worked out good.

               
                             JERRY
               And here's the beauty--

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               George is pickin' us up at the airport.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out of here! Why?

               
                             JERRY
               You know that awning outside my building?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah...

               
                             JERRY
               He's always bragging about his vertical 
               leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that 
               he couldn't touch the awning.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what happened?

               
                             JERRY
               He didn't come within two feet of the 
               thing. He's wavin at it...
 
               
               So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't 
               have
 
               
               to pay me anything.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, how we doin' on time?

               
                             JERRY
               Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, 
               pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk 
               right on the plane...
 
               
               Oops.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! Wait up!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Wait up!

               
                             DRIVER
               Sorry. Heh heh heh...

               
               The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty 
               happy about it.
 
               
               Finally inside, they check their luggage...

               
                             SKYCAP
               Where you goin'?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, JFK. (To Elaine) I need some small 
               bills for a tip. You
 
               
               got anything?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you want five?

               
                             JERRY
               Gimme ten.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're giving him *ten* dollars?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, we got three bags.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's a pretty big tip...

               
                             JERRY
               That's what they get!

               
                             ELAINE
               They don't get that much.

               
                             JERRY
               Let's ask him.

               
                             ELAINE
               We can't ask him...

               
                             JERRY
               Let's see what he says.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, we don't have time for this...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Two seconds. (To Skycap) Excuse me, 
               my friend and I here, we were having 
               a discussion and we were wondering what 
               you usually get for a tip.
 
               
                             SKYCAP
               Depends on the person, depends on the 
               bag.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, how about a couple of people like 
               us.
 
               
                             SKYCAP
               People like you? I wouldn't expect much, 
               you don't even look like
 
               
               you know what you're doing...

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, seriously...

               
                             SKYCAP
               Well, since you asked, usually, I get 
               five dollars a bag.
 
               
               What!?

               
                             ELAINE
               What!?

               
                             SKYCAP
               That's right.

               
               *Five* bucks a bag?

               
                             ELAINE
               *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think 
               so.
 
               
                             SKYCAP
               Look, you asked, I told you.

               
                             ELAINE
               You got some nerve trying to take advantage 
               of us...
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, look, we're late. Thank you 
               very much...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're lucky I don't report you...
 
               
               
               
                             SKYCAP
               JFK...

               
                             THEN ELAINE'S
               
               
                             SKYCAP
               ...Honolulu.

               
               Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter 
               in time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Wait up!

               
                             JERRY
               You see? Never be late for a plane with 
               a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- 
               with the little steps and the arms flailing 
               out... You wanna make this plane, you've 
               gotta run like a man!
 
               
               Get your knees up!

               
               Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides, 
               she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph. 
               Anyway, they get to the ticket counter.
 
               
                             JERRY+ELAINE
               The flight's been canceled?!?!

               
                             TICKET LADY
               Everything into JFK's booked... No, 
               wait-- I have two seats
 
               
               into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right 
               now.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We'll take 'em!

               
                             ELAINE
               We're not going to sit together?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, so what? It's not that long-- 
               you'll read.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what about George? He's supposed 
               to pick us up at Kennedy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We'll call him...

               
                             ELAINE
               There's no time.

               
                             JERRY
               No time? (To ticket lady) Is there time?
 
               
               
                             TLADY
               There's no time.

               
                             JERRY
               There's no time. All right, we'll call 
               him from the plane.
 
               
                             TLADY
               I have one seat in first class, and 
               one in coach. The price is the same 
               since your flight was canceled.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'll take the first class.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Why should you get the first class?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               All right then. See? You won't know 
               what you're missing. I've
 
               
               flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... 
               I won't...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You flew here coach.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's a point...

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, fine. I don't care. If the 
               plane crashes, everybody in first class 
               is going to die, anyway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.

               
               They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine 
               aboard.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT #1
               Third row right...

               
               Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.

               
                             ATTENDANT #1
               Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Bon voyage, Lainey!

               
               
                             PASSENGER #1
               Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, 
               I think you're
 
               
               sitting in my seat...

               
               Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags 
               and Data General laptop.
 
               
                             PASSENGER #1
               I never check my bags-- I can't stand 
               that wait in the baggage area.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Great... (To herself) Help me...

               
               
                             TIA
               Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, sorry... My mistake... (To himself) 
               Thank... *you*!
 
               
               Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes.

               
               Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, thanks for coming with me.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what made you think you could touch 
               that awning?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I confused it with another awning.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So how we doin' on time?

               
                             GEORGE
               We're perfect. I timed this out so we 
               would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 
               17 minutes after their flight is supposed 
               to land. That gives them just enough 
               time to get off the plane, pick up their 
               bags and be walking *out* of the terminal 
               as we roll up.
 
               
               I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you 
               the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup.
 
               
               Um, George... Did you say "perfect"?

               
                             GEORGE
               What's going on? What are you doing? 
               The Long Island Expressway?
 
               
               What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you 
               know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Will you relax?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the 
               Grand Central, the Van Wyck!
 
               
               You destroyed my whole timing!

               
                             KRAMER
               This is the best way to go!

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you know what happens if I miss him? 
               I don't get credit for the pickup and 
               I lose my 50 bucks...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               George, there's no traffic at this time. 
               Now, come on, man...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               If anything, we'll probably get there 
               early. I'll have a chance to
 
               
               go to the Duty Free shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the 
               biggest sucker deal in retail.
 
               
               Do you know how much duty is?

               
                             KRAMER
               Duty.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty 
               is?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I dunno how much duty is.

               
                             GEORGE
               Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I still like to stop at the duty free 
               shop.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I like to stop at the duty free shop.
 
               
               
               
                             G+K
               I like to stop at the duty free shop!
 
               
               
               I like to stop at the duty free shop!

               
               Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't 
               that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists 
               on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't 
               go according to plan and all that boring dreck...)
 
               
                             TIA
               So, he says, "squeeze your breasts together", 
               and I say, "I thought this was an ad 
               for shoes"...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my...

               
               Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...

               
               
                             TIA
               Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 
               146.
 
               
               Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's* 
               what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's 
               a good thing they gave you
 
               
               that washcloth to cover yourself up...

               
               Um, what was that page number again?

               
                             JERRY
               What is this an ad for?

               
                             TIA
               See those wrinkled jeans slung over 
               the chair? Way in the background, out 
               of focus?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh...

               
               In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars 
               and what is obviously heavy traffic...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               How does it look on your side? (Pause 
               while George just stares at him) We'll 
               get there...
 
               
               Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping 
               beside
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and 
               I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe 
               he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys 
               burst? Is it worth it not to wake this 
               man up to damage a major organ? I hope 
               this disgusting slob appreciates what 
               I'm doing for him... (To passenger on 
               the other side of her, but still to 
               herself) Yeah, make a little more noise 
               with your gum-- that's helpful.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They're not here! You cost me fifty 
               bucks!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look at you! You run like a girl! Run 
               like a man! Lift your knees!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Look, we're wasting our time here! We're 
               a half-hour late, they've probably took 
               it off the board already.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, there it is, right there-- 133... 
               and it's canceled.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Canceled? Do I still get credit for 
               the pick up? I was here!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at 
               the ticket counter.
 
               
               
                             GROSSBARD
               Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... 
               (He leaves)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Did you see that guy?

               
                             GEORGE
               No... What guy?

               
                             KRAMER
               That guy.. He was just...

               
                             GEORGE
               Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, 
               I'm going to go stop in the gift shop 
               and pick up a copy of Time magazine. 
               There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry 
               in it and I think he mentioned my name!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (still lost) I know that guy...

               
               Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy 
               John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one 
               of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with 
               him again...
 
               
               
                             PRISONER
               Gotta get my Time magazine... Never 
               miss my Time magazine.
 
               
                             GUARD
               Yeah, get your magazine and let's get 
               out of here.
 
               
               George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get 
               it.
 
               
                             PRISONER
               Hey, I was gonna take that!

               
                             GEORGE
               Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
 
               
               
                             PRISONER
               I don't care when you got here, I want 
               the magazine...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't understand, there's a *blurb* 
               about me in this magazine!
 
               
                             PRISONER
               A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check 
               out the cover, idiot!
 
               
                             GUARD
               All right, let's go...

               
               George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the 
               aforementioned prisoner with the caption "Caught!" written below.
 
               
               
                             PRISONER
               I want the magazine!

               
                             GEORGE
               Umm... No.

               
                             PRISONER
               You know what I would do to you, if 
               I wasn't in these shackles...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But you are Blanche... You *are* in 
               the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read 
               my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. 
               Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the 
               park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful 
               day! Have a nice life... sentence, that 
               is!
 
               
               Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take 
               at "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books. 
               He goes up to
 
               
               George.

               
                             KRAMER
               They're on a different flight. They're 
               scheduled to land in a half hour, only 
               at Laguardia.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Where do I know that guy from?

               
               Back in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that 
               is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up 
               so she can go to the bathroom.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (To herself, loudly) Wake up, you human 
               slug! Wake up! *Wake*
 
               
               *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! (To the slug out loud) Excuse 
               me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...
 
               
               The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time 
               getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling 
               and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting 
               up, facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across 
               from her, Elaine makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac 
               from "Taxi Driver". You can just see the words "You lookin' at 
               *me*?" etched in her brain. It's a killer.
 
               
               Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia 
               are enjoying some hot towels on their faces.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my... that *is* refreshing...

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Would you care for some slippers?

               
                             JERRY
               Sounds lovely! (To Tia, motioning to 
               put them on her) May I?
 
               
                             TIA
               Please!

               
                             JERRY
               Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be 
               Cinderella.
 
               
               They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a 
               cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               My name is not mentioned in this blurb...
 
               
               
               Ding!

               
                             KRAMER
               It's Grossbard!

               
               Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's Grossbard?

               
                             KRAMER
               When I lived on Third avenue and 18th 
               street 20 years ago, I had this roommate 
               who was *always* behind in his rent. 
               Then one month,
 
               
               he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He 
               took the cash and )pfffft( disappears. Well, I try to find him, 
               I went
 
               
               to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got 
               the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks 
               twenty years ago...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna 
               get that guy...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You 
               *cannot* abandon people in the middle 
               of an airport pickup! It's a binding 
               social contract.
 
               
               We... we must go forward... not back.

               
               George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office?
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Tia, did you see all the flowers in 
               that bathroom? It's like an English 
               garden in there.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               They're gardenias, mostly.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought I smelled lilac.

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Yes, there are a few of those, too...
 
               
               
                             TIA
               It's almost overwhelming...

               
               
                             CAPTAIN
               Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain 
               speaking. Due to equipment problems 
               at the runway at Laguardia, we've been
 
               
               
               instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize 
               for any inconvenience...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (To anyone who'll listen) What'd he 
               say? What'd he say?
 
               
               Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside 
               to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer 
               in the car.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, You're not gonna believe it...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               The plane's been re-routed *back* to 
               Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- 
               it tolls for thee.
 
               
               Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God.

               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, 
               my personal favourite.
 
               
               Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in 
               a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, saffron! That sounds good.

               
                             ATTENDANT
               And today we're featuring wines from 
               the *Tuscany* region...
 
               
                             JERRY+TIA
               Tuscany!

               
               They do that "tink" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back 
               to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the 
               unwashed masses
 
               
               in coach and he's in her way.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. Can I get to my seat?

               
                             ATTENDANT
               You're just gonna have to wait...

               
                             ELAINE
               But you just passed it. I'm sitting 
               right there next to that guy...
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               You're not supposed to get up during 
               the food service.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, nobody *told* me that!

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Look. This plane is *full*. I got a 
               lot of people to serve.
 
               
               Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.

               
               Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty 
               of time.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. 
               I *still* got time to
 
               
               catch him!

               
                             GEORGE
               How you gonna catch him? He's probably 
               boarded the plane already.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Gimme your credit card.

               
                             GEORGE
               My credit card?

               
                             KRAMER
               Just gimme the card, don't ask me any 
               questions.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not gonna give you my card unless 
               you tell me what it's for!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get 
               on that flight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend 
               more on the ticket than you're gonna 
               get back from Grossbard.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm 
               gonna get my money, I'll get
 
               
               off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not 
               gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is a *great* idea! Here... use 
               this one. I get frequent flyer
 
               
               miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as
 
               
               
               your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get 
               *double* the bonus miles.
 
               
               Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about it), Elaine 
               returns to her
 
               
               seat now that the attendant is done serving.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do 
               this, but I got stuck in the aisle and 
               the flight attendant wouldn't let me 
               get through.
 
               
               There's no way to get around that cart...

               
                             PASSENGER 1
               You're not supposed to get up during 
               the food service.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'll try and remember that. (Pause) 
               Where's my meal?
 
               
                             PASSENGER 1
               He asked me where you were, and you 
               were gone so long I thought you, uh, 
               switched seats.
 
               
               Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get 
               a meal.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Are you sure?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray 
               of food had been served to me.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Would you?

               
               Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe.

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Well, the only meal left is a kosher 
               meal.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. 
               I don't even know what a kosher meal 
               is.
 
               
                             PASSENGER 1
               I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected 
               it, or something.
 
               
                             PASSENGER 2
               No, no. It all has to do with the way 
               they kill the pig.
 
               
                             PASSENGER 1
               They don't eat pigs!

               
                             PASSENGER 2
               They do if it's killed right-- under 
               a Rabbi's supervision.
 
               
               Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses the debate 
               from somewhere out of camera range.
 
               
                             PASSENGER 3
               Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher 
               meal.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Then why didn't you take it?

               
                             PASSENGER 3
               I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You're eating my food!

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do 
               you want it, or not.
 
               
               Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what the heck a 
               kosher meal is-- I'm curious...
 
               
               Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert treat.
 
               
               
                             J+T
               Mmmmmmmm!

               
                             TIA
               This is the best sundae I've ever had.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man. You know what... they got the 
               fudge on the bottom-- y'see?
 
               
               That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're 
               eatin' your ice cream.
 
               
                             TIA
               I've never met a man who knew so much 
               about nothing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thank you...

               
                             J+T
               Mmmmmm!

               
               We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* on the end 
               of her fork
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               More anything?

               
                             JERRY
               More everything!

               
               Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines?

               
               Back at JFK...

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.

               
                             GEORGE
               Super Savers? Are they refundable!?
 
               
               
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               You bought non-refundable tickets, you 
               idiot!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               She talked me in to it-- she said it 
               was the best deal.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Do you know how much this is going to 
               cost me?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split 
               it with you
 
               
               How big of you, you brute. They board the plane.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
 
               
               
               I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. Just ask Elaine.
 
               
               
               Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard 
               doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then 
               again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying 
               in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the 
               plane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom 
               door to a reply of "Just a minute" from the occupant inside (I 
               bet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the 
               Prisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why 
               he needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway, 
               the guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his 
               cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult 
               to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in 
               the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane. 
               Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with 
               going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws 
               against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until 
               they're moving? Who really cares, anyway?
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Excuse me... Excuuuse me...

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               What is your name?

               
                             ELAINE
               Elaine Benes?

               
                             ATTENDANT
               (Checks her list) You're going to have 
               to go back to coach.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, but there was nobody sitting here...
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Yes, but you're still not allowed. These 
               seats are very expensive.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. 
               Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice 
               up here. It's so comfortable up here. 
               I don't want to go back there. Please 
               don't send me back there... (She notices 
               another attendant offering goods)
 
               
               
               Oh, you got *cookies*!

               
                             ATTENDANT
               You're going to have to go back to your 
               seat!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, 
               our goal should be a society *without* 
               *classes*! (She goes through the curtain 
               to,ick, *coach*) Do you realise that 
               the people up here are getting *cookies*!
 
               
               
               The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket 
               and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're doing under 
               that big, blue blanket...)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is all the racket back there? You 
               know, you're trying to relax on the 
               plane and this is what you have to put 
               up with.
 
               
               (To attendant) What is going on?

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into 
               first class.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem 
               is, that curtain is no security-- there 
               really should be a locking door.
 
               
               Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling...
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!

               
               No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly 
               escapes.
 
               
               Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances 
               out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms 
               flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be 
               sure.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Couldn't be...

               
               After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys and get their 
               baggage
 
               
                             
               how would they know Kramer was there, 
               too? They didn't get a hold of George 
               on the phone, or he would've went to 
               Laguardia in the first
 
               
               place...)

               
                             JERRY
               Where are they already? I don't see 
               them anywhere...
 
               
               Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer is still 
               on the lam somewhere in the airport...
 
               
                             JERRY
               I got my bags, I'm ready to go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, *you* got *your* bags...

               
               In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving 
               around the baggage thingy, complete with lei...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The worst flight I have been on in my 
               entire life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, me too...

               
               He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of 
               photographers.
 
               
                             TIA
               I'll call you.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay... (To a bamboozled Elaine) It's 
               a business thing...
 
               
               Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out-- 
               you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a "Kramer 
               entrance", did you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You guys ready?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Where's George?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               
               
               Well, you can't hear him through the window, but he is definitely 
               shouting
 
               
               "KRAMER!"

               
                             JERRY
               But I have to admit, I like flying. 
               I like those little bathrooms that they 
               have on the plane. It's kind of like 
               a small apartment of your own on the 
               plane. You go in, you close the door, 
               the light comes on. It's like a small 
               surprise party every time you go in 
               there. The worst way of flying, I think 
               is "standby", you ever fly standby? 
               It never works, you know, that's why 
               they call it standby--
 
               
               you stand there going "Bye!" So I was on this flight where the 
               flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't 
               have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference,
 
               
               
               I mean this is just some regular person coming over to you going 
               "Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?" It's 
               like, "Who the Hell are you?!"
 
               
               
               
                              THE END



The Airport



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy