The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE ALTERNATE SIDE



                             Written by

                     Larry David & Bill Masters




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the 
               car will behave as
 
               if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone 
               disturbs it,
 
               it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. 
               Not
 
               everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't 
               it be nice
 
               if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? 
               You know, somebody
 
               tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would 
               like a car alarm
 
               like that.

               
               
               First scene.

               Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Do you believe this? The car was parked 
               right out front.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Was the alarm on?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't 
               know my alarm sound; I'm not
 
               tuned in to it like it's my son.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't understand, how do these thieves 
               start the car?
 
               
                             JERRY
               They cross the wires or something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Cross the wires? I can't even make a 
               pot of spaghetti.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               They stole my car.

               
                             KRAMER
               Who did?

               
                             JERRY
               They did.

               
                             KRAMER
               Was it more than just one?

               
                             JERRY
               What should I do, should I call the 
               police?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What are they gonna do?

               
                             JERRY
               I'd better call the car phone company, 
               cancel my service.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe you should call your car phone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's probably driving it right 
               now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, call the car phone, see 
               what happens.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you serious?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, go ahead, call.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't even know if I remember the 
               number.
 
               
               Jerry dials.

               
                             JERRY
               What do I say if he picks up?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Is this 555-8383?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               I have no idea.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I ask you a question?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Sure.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you steal my car?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Yes I did.

               
                             JERRY
               You did?!

               
                             CAR THIEF
               I did.

               
                             JERRY
               That's my car!

               
                             CAR THIEF
               I didn't know it was yours.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you gonna do with it?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               I dunno, drive around.

               
                             JERRY
               Then can I have it back?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.

               
               Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Yeah, who's this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Kramer.

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Hello, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, there's a pair of gloves in 
               the glove compartment.
 
               
                             CAR THIEF
               Wait, hold on... Brown ones?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to 
               me? Or bring them by my
 
               building, it's 129 West 81st St.

               
                             CAR THIEF
               One-two-nine, okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?

               
                             CAR THIEF
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, let me ask you a question. How 
               do you cross those wires?
 
               
                             CAR THIEF
               I didn't cross any wires, the keys were 
               in it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, 
               I gotta go. Drive carefully.
 
               
                             CAR THIEF
               Jerry, when's the last time you had 
               a tune-up? Because I can't find
 
               the--

               
               Jerry hangs up.

               
                             JERRY
               Sid left the keys in the car.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's Sid?

               
                             JERRY
               He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks 
               cars on the block.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               He moves them from one side of the street 
               to the other so you don't get
 
               a ticket.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, do you pay him for that?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.

               
                             GEORGE
               How many people does he do that for?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The whole block, forty, fifty cars.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He only works three hours a day. He 
               makes a fortune. Course he's been
 
               
               doing that for years, right Jerry?

               
                             GEORGE
               Could anybody do that?

               
               Sid enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Sid, what happened?

               
                             SID
               I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting 
               too old for this stuff.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You left the keys in the car?

               
                             SID
               Well, you know they're making that Woody 
               Allen movie in the block, and all
 
               
               those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have 
               got a little
 
               distracted.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know I'm in that movie?

               
                             GEORGE
               You are?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm an extra.

               
                             GEORGE
               How'd you get that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I was just watching them film 
               yesterday and some guy just asked
 
               
               me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right out of the clear blue sky?

               
                             KRAMER
               Clear blue sky!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, why didn't they ask me?

               
                             KRAMER
               I got a quality.

               
                             SID
               Jerry, you got insurance, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent 
               one.
 
               
                             SID
               Well I'm going down to visit my sister 
               in Virginia next Wednesday, for a
 
               
               week, so I can't park it.

               
                             JERRY
               This Wednesday?

               
                             SID
               No, next Wednesday, week after this 
               Wednesday.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But the Wednesday two days from now 
               is the next Wednesday.
 
               
                             SID
               If I meant this Wednesday, I would have 
               said this Wednesday. It's the
 
               week after this Wednesday.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sid, who's gonna move the cars while 
               you're away?
 
               
                             SID
               Whoever wants to move them, why do I 
               care who moves them? They can move
 
               
               themselves if they want.

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I could move them until you get 
               back.
 
               
                             SID
               What's a young man like you want to 
               move cars for? You don't work?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm in a transition phase right now.
 
               
               
                             SID
               Well if you want to move the cars, move 
               the cars. Just don't forget to
 
               take the keys out, that's all.

               
               Phone rings.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one 
               on the bottom, just slide it all
 
               the way over. You're welcome.

               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm in awe of his intellect, when he 
               talks it sounds like he's reading
 
               
               from one of his novels.

               
                             JERRY
               Owen March, I never heard of him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, he's not a baseball player.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like 
               it's going pretty good.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's that?

               
                             ELAINE
               He's sixty-six years old.

               
                             RENTAL CAR AGENT
               Next please.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, go, go.

               
                             AGENT
               Can I help you? Name please?

               
                             JERRY
               Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a 
               mid-size, and she's a small. I'm
 
               kidding around, of course.

               
                             AGENT
               Okay, let's see here.

               
                             JERRY
               Sixty-six years old?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. 
               He works out, he's vibrant. You'd
 
               
               really like him.

               
                             JERRY
               Why do people always say that? I hate 
               everyone, why would I like him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you think, would you go out 
               with a sixty-six year old woman?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'll tell you, she would have 
               to be really vibrant. So vibrant,
 
               
               she'd be spinning.

               
                             AGENT
               I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available 
               at the moment.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand, I made a reservation, 
               do you have my reservation?
 
               
                             AGENT
               Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out 
               of cars.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But the reservation keeps the car here. 
               That's why you have the
 
               reservation.

               
                             AGENT
               I know why we have reservations.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think you do. If you did, I'd 
               have a car. See, you know how to
 
               take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation 
               and
 
               that's really the most important part of the reservation, the 
               holding. Anybody
 
               can just take them.

               
                             AGENT
               Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.
 
               
               
               The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she 
               can be seen
 
               speaking with someone.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You 
               know what she's saying over there?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Marge, you see those two people 
               over there? They think I'm talking
 
               
               to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you 
               start talking.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you mean like this? So it looks 
               like I'm saying something but I'm
 
               
               not really saying anything at all?

               
                             JERRY
               Now you say something else and they 
               won't yell at me 'cause they thought
 
               
               I was checking with you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, 
               see you later.
 
               
               The agent returns.

               
                             AGENT
               I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's 
               nothing we can do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it looked as if you were in a 
               real conversation over there.
 
               
                             AGENT
               But we do have a compact if you would 
               like that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Fine.

               
                             AGENT
               Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort 
               for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you
 
               like insurance?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you better give me the insurance, 
               because I am gonna beat the hell
 
               out of this car.

               
                             AGENT
               Please fill this out.

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you think, you think I'm making 
               a big mistake?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's 
               what's important.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I love being with him. I mean, I like 
               being with him. It's okay being
 
               with him.

               
               
               New scene.

               Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               I just don't enjoy being with him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well that's what's important.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's 
               around the corner, do I have to
 
               break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over 
               the phone?
 
               
                             JERRY
               How many times you been out with him?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Seven?

               
                             JERRY
               Face to face.

               
                             ELAINE
               Seven dates is a face-to-face break 
               up?
 
               
                             JERRY
               If it was six I could have let you go, 
               but seven, I'm afraid, is over
 
               the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm... How's the pasta over there?
 
               
               
               Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him 
               out of the way
 
               and heads for the kitchen sink.

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa, whoa!!

               
                             JERRY
               What is going on out there?

               
                             GEORGE
               I need like a bucket of water! I got 
               a car overheating, I got an alarm
 
               
               that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! 
               What do I
 
               do?! Help me! Help me!

               
               George runs off into the bathroom.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you know they were supposed to 
               do my scene today?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Today?!

               
                             KRAMER
               You know they told me that they wanted 
               me to walk down the block
 
               carrying this bag of groceries.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               So I start to walk, and I trip, and 
               the grocery bag goes flying, and
 
               Woody, Woody starts laughing.

               
                             ELAINE
               He was laughing?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, he was drinking something, 
               it started to come out of his nose.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So then what?

               
                             KRAMER
               I got a line in the movie!

               
                             ELAINE
               Get out!

               
                             JERRY
               That's great!

               
                             GEORGE
               You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Pretty good, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might 
               have a whole new career on my
 
               hands, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               You mean *a* career.

               
                             ELAINE
               So was Mia Farrow there?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, I didn't see him.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's your line?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, 
               Woody, you know, I'm at this bar
 
               and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
 
               
               
               The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.

               
                             KRAMER
               So I'm sitting there with Woody and 
               I say, I turn to him and I go,
 
               "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

               
                             GEORGE
               Is that how you're gonna say it?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, I'm working on it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do it like this. "These pretzels are 
               making me thirsty."
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. See, that's no good. See, you 
               don't know how to act.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"
 
               
               
               Jerry pinches his nose.

               
                             GEORGE
               That was no good?

               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't say anything.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm gonna go break up with Owen.

               
                             GEORGE
               What was wrong with that? I had a different 
               interpretation! Do you
 
               know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the 
               bar a really long
 
               time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman 
               and he's
 
               parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! 
               Alright!
 
               Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels 
               are making me
 
               thirsty!

               
               George storms out.

               
               
               New scene.

               Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding 
               on the door, Jerry
 
               opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god.

               
                             ELAINE
               Call an ambulance.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, he took it hard.

               
               
               New scene.

               Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what 
               happened.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We were walking down the block right 
               by your house and I was just about
 
               
               to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one 
               twenty nine west
 
               Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.

               
                             ELAINE
               Tell then to hurry! Hurry!

               
                             JERRY
               It's an ambulance. (To the operator) 
               I don't know but he's
 
               unconscious.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               These pretzels are making me thirsty. 
               (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy,
 
               these pretzels are making me thirsty.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               What happened here?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, I don't know, what should 
               we do? We called an ambulance,
 
               does anyone know first aid?

               
                             JERRY
               Shouldn't you do something with the 
               extremities?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What extremities?

               
                             KRAMER
               What's an extremity?

               
                             JERRY
               You raise the feet, get blood to the 
               head.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You raise the head, you get blood to 
               the feet.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, what about a cold compress? They 
               always do that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't have a washcloth.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well use a paper towel.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't put a paper towel on his head.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What about a big sponge?

               
                             JERRY
               How you gonna hold it on there?

               
                             KRAMER
               Use a belt.

               
                             ELAINE
               No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip 
               all over him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Should we walk him around?

               
                             ELAINE AND KRAMER
               Yes, yes.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I've seen them do that.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no that's for a drug overdose.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe that's what he's got.

               
                             ELAINE
               No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch 
               with him, he didn't leave the
 
               table.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well he could have dropped acid when 
               you weren't looking.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He is not a drug addict!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, 
               he might just need a cookie
 
               or something.

               
                             ELAINE
               A cookie!

               
                             KRAMER
               Can you give him a cookie?

               
                             ELAINE
               How's he gonna chew it?

               
                             JERRY
               We'll move his teeth, it happened to 
               my uncle, the sugar revived him.
 
               
               Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his 
               jaw up and down.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Careful, you're getting crumbs all over 
               him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I got him chewing but I don't think 
               he's gonna swallow.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know what, let's put a few cookies 
               in a blender and he could drink
 
               it.

               
                             JERRY
               Cookies don't liquefy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright I'll get a blender.

               
                             JERRY
               What blender? I don't have a blender.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You got a blender.

               
                             JERRY
               I would know if I had a blender.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where is the ambulance?!

               
               Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed 
               by a
 
               crashing sound.

               
               The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance 
               like thirty-five
 
               minutes ago.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe what's going on out 
               here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               This is an emergency, what's taking 
               so long? (the door buzzer buzzes)
 
               
               Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?

               
                             VOICE
               Paramedics.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. Okay, they're here.

               
                             ELAINE
               He seems to be breathing.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty 
               good-looking guy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
                             JERRY
               Those eyebrows could use a trimming, 
               you ever mention that to him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Almost.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild 
               there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's not an easy thing to bring up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's true.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, 
               it's all silk.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he 
               wears slippers.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He does, how'd you know that?

               
                             JERRY
               I could tell.

               
               Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.

               
                             ELAINE
               What happened, what took you so long?!
 
               
               
                             PARAMEDIC
               We got here twenty minutes ago but we 
               couldn't move, the whole
 
               intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. 
               So finally we
 
               make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking 
               cars slammed into
 
               us with a blue Escort.

               
                             JERRY
               Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!
 
               
               
               George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh man.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to the car?

               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry, you don't know what's going on 
               out there! (looks at Owen)
 
               Who's he?

               
                             ELAINE
               This guy I'm seeing.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               We don't know!

               
                             PARAMEDIC
               Who put cookies in his mouth?

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Cookies?

               
                             PARAMEDIC
               You're not supposed to do that.

               
                             JERRY
               So how'd you hit the car?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was moving it across the street, I 
               looked up and I saw Woody Allen
 
               and I got all distracted.

               
                             JERRY
               It's not even my car, it's a rental.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               What are you doing out there?! You're 
               holding up the production of the
 
               movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue 
               jacket who's got the street all
 
               screwed up?'

               
                             GEORGE
               Should I apologize to Woody?

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time 
               I talk to him, maybe I'll bring
 
               it up. I'll feel him out.

               
               
               Mid-episode Monologue.

               What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of 
               years ago? You
 
               know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no 
               equipment.
 
               Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole 
               first aid.
 
               They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 
               'No, no we
 
               can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if 
               you know that. Did
 
               you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before 
               anybody.'
 
               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             SID
               Now you didn't tell me you didn't know 
               how to drive. You should have
 
               mentioned that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I know how to drive.

               
                             SID
               Then how'd all those cars get damaged? 
               Why are people calling me up
 
               screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I get anybody anything?

               
                             SID
               Moving cars from one side of the street 
               to the other don't take no more
 
               sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is 
               who's putting your
 
               pants on?

               
                             GEORGE
               I put my pants on, Sid.

               
                             SID
               I don't believe you. If you can put 
               your pants on, you can move those
 
               
               cars.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I don't want to get into a big 
               dispute about the pants.
 
               
                             SID
               Who's gonna send money to my sister 
               in Virginia? Her little boy needs
 
               
               surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp 
               because you can't
 
               park a few cars.

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I could call my father.

               
               Kramer enters holding a newspaper.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you seen the paper yet?

               
                             JERRY
               Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as 
               it is my paper.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. There's an article in there about 
               that writer.
 
               
               Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered 
               a stroke
 
               yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. 
               You're the friend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The extent of the damage would have 
               been far less severe
 
               had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.

               
                             SID
               Oh lord.

               
                             JERRY
               The commotion also delayed production 
               of a Woody Allen movie
 
               that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary 
               filmmaker said
 
               that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days 
               of shooting
 
               movies in New York were over.

               
               
               New scene.

               Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating 
               a bag of
 
               pretzels.

               
                             ELAINE
               Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds 
               away from breaking up with
 
               him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, 
               it's over.'
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can he communicate?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he 
               understands me, he seems to enjoy
 
               
               it when I read to him.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the 
               counter) Hi, I called before,
 
               uh, my car got smashed.

               
                             ELAINE
               So listen, what should I do? I mean 
               if I break up with him now it'll
 
               look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be 
               ostracized from
 
               the community.

               
                             JERRY
               What community? There's a community?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Of course there's a community.

               
                             JERRY
               All these years I'm living in a community, 
               I had no idea.
 
               
                             AGENT
               Sir the estimate on the damage to your 
               car is two thousand eight hundred
 
               
               and sixty-six dollars.

               
                             JERRY
               Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything 
               so...
 
               
                             AGENT
               Yes, now, uh, in your report you said 
               that you were not the driver of
 
               the car at the time of the accident.

               
                             JERRY
               That is right, somebody else was driving.
 
               
               
                             AGENT
               Alright, well, sir, you're only covered 
               for when you're driving the car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh huh, what's that?

               
                             AGENT
               You're not covered for other drivers.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Other drivers?

               
                             AGENT
               Um hm.

               
                             JERRY
               Your whole business is based on other 
               drivers. It's a rented car.
 
               That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card 
               cover me or
 
               something?

               
                             AGENT
               Not that particular one.

               
                             JERRY
               Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick 
               a card, take a card, any card you
 
               
               want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.

               
                             AGENT
               Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Did you see the size of that document? 
               It's like the Declaration of
 
               Independence, who's gonna read that?

               
                             AGENT
               Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, 
               you are not covered for that
 
               damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about 
               that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               These pretzels are making me thirsty.
 
               
               
               
               New scene.

               Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair 
               and in
 
               generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. 
               Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't
 
               they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean 
               in the south, are
 
               they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like 
               my Yankee
 
               Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) 
               Owen, I
 
               think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would 
               be nice if *we*
 
               could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming 
               here, and uh,
 
               feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's 
               good stuff.
 
               Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! 
               But at this
 
               point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make 
               a commitment to one
 
               person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. 
               For example, I
 
               like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and 
               skiing, and um,
 
               well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a 
               bitch to get here.
 
               It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to 
               take the
 
               double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. 
               These
 
               pretzels are making me thirsty.

               
               
               New scene.

               Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Can you die from an odor? I mean, like 
               if you were locked in a
 
               vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               An overdose of odor? Good question.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Do I smell?

               
                             ELAINE
               No no no no, I was just down on the 
               forty-second street subway today,
 
               
               it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.

               
                             JERRY
               Ahh.

               
                             GEORGE
               He's alright?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He 
               told me he was just using me for
 
               sex.

               
               The waitress brings the check.

               
                             JERRY
               Let me get that.

               
                             GEORGE
               No no no, I got it.

               
                             JERRY
               Please.

               
                             GEORGE
               No come on, let me, let me. I smashed 
               your car, it cost you over two
 
               thousand dollars,

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters and sits down.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             KRAMER
               I got fired from the movie.

               
                             GEORGE
               Get out of here, why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know they were gonna shoot 
               it today, and uh, we rehearsed it
 
               
               twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 
               'These pretzels
 
               are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and 
               I slammed the
 
               glass down on the bar and it shattered.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aww.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, one of the pieces must have hit 
               Woody. He started crying. And
 
               he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, 
               she came up
 
               to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that 
               scene.
 
               
               Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the 
               gloves.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out 
               loud.
 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. 
               And the best part
 
               of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was 
               to get married,
 
               you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better 
               or for worse, all
 
               I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. 
               Do you take
 
               this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. 
               Rest of the
 
               time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get 
               the sniffles, you
 
               better be there.

               
               
               
                                   THE END



The Alternate Side



Writers :   Larry David  Bill Masters
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy