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                          THE ANDREA DORIA



                             Written by

                           Spike Feresten

 
               
               
                             
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts 
               into the room)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving 
               out!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Gets up) Get out!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across 
               from mine, huh. I can't wait for you 
               to see it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Looks around his apartment) Is it better 
               than mine?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Definite) Oh yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what? It's better than Elaine's, 
               too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves 
               tward the phone)
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's out.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Stops) Oh right, the blind date.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up 
               now. I guess the blind people don't 
               like being associated with all those 
               losers.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Come on. Come check out my new place. 
               It'll take you two minutes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at 
               my mini-storage.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture 
               down there? I need some more stuff to 
               fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in 
               closet. (Smiles)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really 
               annoying.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Laughs as they leave) It's working 
               already! (Both exit)
 
               
               
               
                             
               (Manhattan Mini-storage)

               
               (Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling 
               a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Disgusted) What is with that?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells 
               the diseased germs out of the body, 
               into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs 
               being in the air)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Takes out his key to unlock the unit 
               door) Where is your key?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's 
               got it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, Kramer, I rented out half 
               of my space to you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and I rented out half that space 
               to Newman. (Starts coughing again)
 
               
               
               (Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing 
               mail in here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.
 
               
               
               
               
                             
               (George's new apartment)

               
               (George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while 
               he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)
 
               
                             RICARDI
               Excuse me, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves 
               her off)
 
               
                             RICARDI
               (Moves into the apartment, hand out) 
               No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of 
               the tenant's association.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! 
               Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. 
               It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and 
               guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball)
               toward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively)
               Come on! (Stops and laughs right before running
               into her)
 
               
                             RICARDI
               No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, 
               unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 
               8C has decided that he wants the apartment.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised 
               it to me.
 
               
                             RICARDI
               Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge 
               is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in 
               light of the terrible suffering that 
               he's already been through, we've decided 
               to give it to him.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. 
               that was quite a fire. (Moves to the 
               door, leaving).
 
               
                             RICARDI
               (Correcting) Shipwreck.

               
                             GEORGE
               I remember.. (Leaves)

               
               
               
                             
               (Restaurant)

               
               (Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's 
               thinking to herself)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) 
               I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought 
               something to read.. (Picks up a sugar 
               packet) "Cancer in labratory animals"..
 
               
               
               huh.

               
               (A waiter approaches)

               
                             WAITER
               Excuse me, Elaine Benes?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah?

               
                             WAITER
               An Alan Mercer called for you. He said 
               he's sorry, but he won't be able to 
               make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Shocked) Stabbed?!

               
                             WAITER
               More bread?

               
               
               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Did you find out who stabbed him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was 
               his ex-girlfriend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Like a father) Well, you're not going 
               near this hooligan anymore.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about 
               it, Jerry. There must be something exciting 
               about this guy if he can arouse that 
               kind of passion. (Obviously turned
 
               
               
               on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. 
               kind of a compliment.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't 
               get shot. He could have been the one.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves 
               to the kitchen)
 
               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No 
               expiration date on this.. (Opens it, 
               then starts coughing directly onto the 
               food)
 
               
                             JERRY
               There is now. Kramer, you should really 
               get that cough checked out by a doctor.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. 
               No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys 
               and yes-men all towing the company line.. 
               (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so
 
               
               
               Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.

               
                             JERRY
               (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!
 
               
               
               (Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. How's the new place?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the 
               living room. Kramer takes the carton 
               of food to the table, and begins eating) 
               The tenant association made me give 
               it
 
               
               to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..

               
                             ELAINE
               Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they 
               did the song about?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.
 
               
               
                             ELIANE
               I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.

               
                             JERRY
               (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot 
               was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was 
               the ship.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Talking about his would-be apartment) 
               You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed 
               by the Cat Stevens.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided 
               with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles 
               off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a 
               clicking sound with his
 
               
               tongue)

               
               (Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)

               
                             GEORGE
               How do you know?

               
                             KRAMER
               it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales 
               of the Sea" 51 people died.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               51 people?!

               
                             KRAMER
               That's it?! I thought it was, like, 
               a thousand!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There were 1,650 survivors.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's no tragedy! How many people do 
               you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! 
               Kramer, can I take a look at that book? 
               (Starts walking tward the door.
 
               
               Kramer grabs his food, and follows)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear 
               Attacks"
 
               
               (George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry 
               stops Kramer before he can do the same)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk 
               to Newman about getting that mail outta 
               there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna 
               do it. (Leaves)
 
               
               (Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)

               
               
               
                             
               Newman's apartment)

               
               (Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting 
               on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Newman?

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, I want you to get the mail outta 
               my storage unit.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Sometimes we don't get what we want.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Confused) What are you talking about?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               I didn't get my transfer.

               
                             JERRY
               "Transfer"?

               
                             NEWMAN
               To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal 
               route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet 
               you don't even have to like the stamps.. 
               But it's not to be - So, I'm
 
               
               hanging it up.

               
                             JERRY
               You quit the post office?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, 
               I'm just not delivering mail.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, get it out of my storage. It's 
               illegal.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               And yet, it's perfectly legal to take 
               a man's soul and crush it out like a 
               stale Pall Mall.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)
 
               
               
               
               
                             
               Central Park)

               
               (Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs 
               passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops 
               the man)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough 
               you got there, huh?
 
               
                             MAN
               What cough?

               
               (One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing 
               to the dog)
 
               
               
               
                             
               Restaurant)

               
               (Elaine's on a date with Alan)

               
                             ELAINE
               I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around 
               as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. 
               You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves 
               her knife along with her hand gestures.
 
               
               
               Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) 
               and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) 
               Oh.. (Puts the knife down)
 
               
                             ALAN
               No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little 
               bit jumpy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Leans in close) Between you and me, 
               what happened there with the stabbing?
 
               
               
                             ALAN
               Just.. one of those things, you know.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Was she just so crazy in love 
               with you that she just couldn't take 
               it anymore? Or..?
 
               
                             ALAN
               I don't know. Could be.

               
               (A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's 
               table)
 
               
                             CAROL
               Alan?!

               
                             ALAN
               Carol?

               
               (Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then 
               storms off. Alan screams from the pain)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was 
               that the one?! Was that the one who 
               stabbed you?!
 
               
                             ALAN
               (Between screams) No, that was a different 
               girl.
 
               
               (Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)

               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
                             JERRY
               There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Right, so, I called my friend, you know 
               - the one who set us up - I found out, 
               he's a bad-breaker-upper.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Mmm.. Bad how?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Fast) Well, you know when you break 
               up, how you say things you don't mean? 
               Well, he says the mean things you don't 
               mean, but he means them.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna 
               do?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Dump him. I can't be with someone who 
               doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to 
               me, that's one of the most important 
               parts of a relationship.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Agreeing) What's more important?

               
               (Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both 
               get into sort of a shrug-off)
 
               
               
               
                             
               NYC Street)

               
               (While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he 
               meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Between coughs) Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's with the dog?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. 
               I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh..

               
               (Smuckers coughs)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share 
               the same affliction, so I'm gonna have 
               a vet check us out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A vet?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any 
               day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps 
               his fingers in rhythm with his words) 
               lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops
 
               
               
               snapping) - all on the same day.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna 
               take dog medicine?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? 
               (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) 
               I'll see ya.
 
               
               
               
                             
               George's apartment building)

               
               (George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment. 
               George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you 
               were on the Andrea Doria.
 
               
                             ELDRIDGE
               Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.

               
                             GEORGE
               I tell ya, I hear people really stuff 
               themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) 
               The buffet, that's the real ordeal, 
               huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
 
               
                             ELDRIDGE
               (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
 
               
               
                             ELDRIDGE
               The boat sank.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Holding up Kramer's book) According 
               to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased 
               into the water like an old man into 
               a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) 
               So,
 
               
               uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting 
               me shove off in this beauty?
 
               
                             ELDRIDGE
               Is that what this is all about?! I don't 
               think I like you. (Enters his apartment, 
               and slams the door behind him)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! 
               The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, 
               but I will! Ha, ha, ha!
 
               
               
               
                             
               Vet's office)

               
               (Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)

               
                             VET
               What are the symptoms?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. 
               Expecially when he drinks orange juice. 
               (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. 
               dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's
 
               
               
               worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's 
               it. That's it.
 
               
                             VET
               Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a 
               lot of this lately. Been drinking from 
               the toilet?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..
 
               
               
               
               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
                             ALAN
               So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' 
               up?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) 
               What? Break-up? We went out on one date.
 
               
               
                             ALAN
               (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. 
               Whatever you say.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, 
               good. Good.
 
               
                             ALAN
               Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. 
               big head. (Gets up to leave)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Pardon?

               
                             ALAN
               You got a big head. It's too big for 
               your body. (Walks for the door)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs 
               again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs 
               loudly as Alan exits)
 
               
               
               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't 
               deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, 
               that was, like, 40 years ago! What has 
               he been doing lately?! I've
 
               
               been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, if this tenant board is so 
               impressed with suffering, maybe you 
               should tell them the "Astonishing Tales 
               of Costanza".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Interested) I should!

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, your body of work in this field 
               is unparalleled.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I could go bumper to bumper with any 
               one else on this planet!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're the man!

               
               (There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's 
               standing in the doorway)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm with people, I'll be with you in 
               a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's 
               face. Then tries to delay talking to 
               Newman by keeping the conversation with
 
               
               
               George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, I guess I should really get moving 
               on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the 
               door, letting Newman in. Leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Angered) Hello.. Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Urgent) I need that mail, where is 
               it?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's the difference?

               
                             NEWMAN
               The guy who had the Hawaii transfer 
               got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret 
               catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 
               in addition to my ususal load of one! 
               I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over 
               to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be
 
               
               
               stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's 
               couch) The dream is dead.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're giving up that easy?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See 
               ya.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! 
               You can't let this dream die. You moving 
               away is my dream too!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (Intrigued) What are you proposing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long 
               as it takes me, where ever it takes 
               me as long as it takes you away from 
               me!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               An alliance?

               
                             JERRY
               (Confirming) An alliance. (They both 
               shake hands and laugh evily) Now get 
               the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)
 
               
               
               
               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman 
               with the mail?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman 
               is my sworn enemy. And he lives down 
               the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! 
               Where I sleep, where I come to
 
               
               play with my toys.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. 
               You know, I told him I didn't want to 
               see him anymore.. He called me "big 
               head".
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a 
               compliment.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things 
               anyone's ever said to me.
 
               
               (The phone rings. Jerry answers it)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             GEORGE
               (On the other line) Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can't make it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, the tenant association has decided 
               to hear my side of the story. So, uh, 
               I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. (Hangs up)

               
                             ELAINE
               Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna 
               happen.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright, 
               well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to 
               exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine 
               does her best to dodge out of the way 
               of
 
               
               Kramer's coughs, then walks off)

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, aren't you taking any medication 
               for that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his 
               pocket) I got some pilss. They taste 
               terrible.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 
               'em.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's 
               too tender.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs 
               a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing 
               tward Kramer - like an owner with his 
               dog)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't want to!

               
               (Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently 
               - much like a dog would)
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon. Just sit down!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Squirming) Jerry! What?!

               
                             JERRY
               Sit down! Sit down!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Struggling) Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Lean your head back. Open your mouth! 
               (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! 
               Open it! Open it!
 
               
               (Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's 
               mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed 
               it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer
 
               
               spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up)

               
                             JERRY
               (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of 
               pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? 
               "May cause panting and loss of fur"? 
               (Turns to Kramer) These are dog
 
               
               pills!

               
                             KRAMER
               Whe have the same symptoms.

               
                             JERRY
               But, he's a dog! You need to see a real 
               doctor.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. No doctors.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing 
               his coat)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Where are you going?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm taking the car. I gotta run some 
               errands. You want to go?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know..

               
                             JERRY
               (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go 
               for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys 
               - as if he's calling out for a dog) 
               Huh? C'mon! C'mon!
 
               
               (Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows 
               Kramer out)
 
               
               
               
                             
               Taxi cab)

               
               (Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)

               
                             DRIVER
               Lady, could you move your head a little 
               bit?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             DRIVER
               Your head. I can't see out the back. 
               (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little 
               more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little 
               more. (Slides down until just her eyes 
               and
 
               
               forehead can be seen) Thank you.

               
               
               
                             
               Jerry's car)

               
               (Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless 
               in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows 
               - just as a dog would)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks 
               out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry 
               looks like he's trying to keep something 
               from Kramer) This isn't the
 
               
               way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are 
               we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) 
               You're taking me to the doctor!
 
               
               
               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
               (George is at the coffee shop with his parents)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that 
               you could help me to remember my childhood 
               a little clearly..
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket 
               and her drink) Let's change tables.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Get outta here! We have a booth.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Frank, I'm cold!

               
                             FRANK
               Order a hot dish.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Why can't we sit over there? (Points 
               to a table)
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Yelling) That's not a booth!

               
                             ESTELLE
               (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, 
               who says we have to sit in a booth?!
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway 
               all the way to New York to sit at a 
               table like that! (Gestures to the table)
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the 
               subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
 
               
               
               (A moment passes)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Now, George, what do you want to know 
               about your childhood?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Fed up with his parents) Actually, 
               I think I'm pretty clear on it.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming 
               from?
 
               
               
               
                             
               NYC Street)

               
               (Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer 
               refuses to get out of the car)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!

               
                             KRAMER
               No, Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, 
               trying to pull him out of the car)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No! Don't!

               
               (Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets 
               up and takes off - running down the street)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! 
               Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! 
               Kramer!
 
               
               
               
                             
               Tenant board room)

               
               (Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each 
               one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is 
               bored to death. He's leaning back in his
 
               
               chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display 
               how bored he is)
 
               
                             ELDRIDGE
               Just then, a rescue ship emerged from 
               the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, 
               then gives George a look. George stops 
               knocking on the walls) It was the
 
               
               
               sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.

               
                             RICARDI
               (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The 
               tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's 
               testimony.
 
               
               (George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for 
               him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes 
               George's seat in the corner)
 
               
               
               
                             
               Newman's apartment)

               
               (Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)

               
                             JERRY
               Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it 
               all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer bit me!

               
                             JERRY
               Bit you?!

               
                             NEWMAN
               We had an arguement about me going to 
               Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle 
               like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! 
               I don't think I can do my route -
 
               
               
               and they're awarding the transfer in two days!

               
                             JERRY
               (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't 
               deliver mail!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, why not?

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're 
               right. It's just walking around putting 
               it into boxes..
 
               
                             JERRY
               What am I gonna wear?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I could give you my uniform from my 
               rookie year.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna 
               be a mailman!
 
               
               (Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a 
               city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner 
               brooming the sidewalk)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Hands him some mail) There you go. 
               Merry Chirstmas!
 
               
                             OWNER
               Mail on Sunday?

               
                             JERRY
               (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along 
               the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper 
               to a homeless bum on the street, then 
               keeps walking)
 
               
               
               
                             
               Tenant board room)

               
               (George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every 
               board member seems to be deeply moved by them)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my 
               underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. 
               (Scene cuts to another story) She was 
               attractive.. She was, also, infact, 
               a
 
               
               Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming 
               in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. 
               significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts
 
               
               to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, 
               there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing 
               pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing
 
               
               statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, 
               because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, 
               the story of my life as a short,
 
               
               stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber 
               of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving 
               of the apartment. Ricardi
 
               
               is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) 
               Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I 
               picked out. (Sobs and loud crying
 
               
               erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge 
               looks defeated)
 
               
               
               
                             
               Newman's apartment)

               
               (Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in 
               the box, like you told me, but sometimes 
               it says, like, "Photographs - Do not 
               bend".
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just 
               crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. 
               (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. 
               This is he. I don't understand..
 
               
               very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             NEWMAN
               That was the Vice President of the post 
               office. I didn't get the transfer.. 
               They knew it wasn't me doing my route!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How did they know?!

               
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) I tried my best!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. 
               (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. 
               Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman 
               then tears the post office
 
               
               badge from Jerry's coat)

               
                             JERRY
               You know, this is your coat.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Realizing) Damn!

               
               
               
                             
               Central park)

               
               (Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies 
               right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains 
               it's balance, and flies off. The man on
 
               
               the bench is staring in awe)

               
                             MAN 2
               He flew right into your head. Like he 
               couldn't avoid it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) 
               Really?
 
               
                             MAN 2
               Never seen that before. Bird into a 
               woman's head..
 
               
               (Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)

               
               
               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not contest. The guy had nothing! 
               The ship went down, he got into a life 
               boat, I mean, come on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. 
               (George laughs) So, when do you move 
               into the apartment?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They're making their decision today.
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie 
               her hair down. She looks angered at something)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter with you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into 
               my giant freak-head. (Sits down)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What giant freak-head?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits 
               atop my disproportunately puny body.. 
               I'm a walking candy apple!
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, it's actually gotten to you? You're 
               playing right into his hands!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. 
               All I have to do is call him up, and 
               sit with him, and show him that it doesn't 
               bother me. You know, laugh it off.. 
               or
 
               
               jam a fork into his forehead.

               
                             JERRY
               (Casually, sarcastic) Either way.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Getting up to leave) Alright.

               
               
               
                             
               Restaurant)

               
                             ALAN
               I want to apologize for..

               
                             ELAINE
               (Shrugging it off) Oh, please.

               
                             ALAN
               So you have a big head.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Casually playing along) So what?

               
                             ALAN
               It goes well with that bump in your 
               nose.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Suddenly angry) What?!

               
               (Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out 
               of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed 
               woman beating up some guy! Tell the 
               police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry!
 
               
               
               (Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop. 
               He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before 
               he can tell them the urgent message,
 
               
               he starts coughing uncontrollably)

               
                             COP
               Boy, that's some cough you got there.
 
               
               
               (Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)

               
                             COP 2
               No, I think he's trying to tell us something. 
               What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer 
               manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?! 
               Trouble? Where? Where's
 
               
               trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at 
               the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come 
               on.
 
               
               (Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following 
               him)
 
               
               
               
                             
               George's apartment building)

               
               (George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan 
               is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in 
               there?
 
               
                             ALAN
               I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. 
               (They shake hands)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have 
               you the apartment?!
 
               
                             ALAN
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. 
               got coffee thrown in your face, and.. 
               uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)
 
               
               
                             ALAN
               Oh, fork in the forehead.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's why they gave you the apartment?
 
               
               
                             ALAN
               No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, that is my apartment. 
               I earned it with 34 years of misery!
 
               
               
                             ALAN
               Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his 
               new apartment, and slams the door on 
               George)
 
               
               (George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like 
               Elaine and her head)
 

               
               
                            THE END





The Andrea Doria



Writers :   Spike Feresten
Genres :   Comedy


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