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                           THE APARTMENT



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman


 
               
               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I painted my apartment again. 
               I've been living in this apartment for 
               years and years, and every time I paint 
               it, it kinda gets me down. I look around,
 
               
               
               and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I 
               realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of 
               it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Everytime I
 
               
               paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the 
               wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two 
               slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to
 
               
               push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug 
               in.. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on 
               the Starship Enterprise. You know what
 
               
               I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star 
               Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through 
               space in your living room, watching
 
               
               TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because 
               Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday 
               night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be
 
               
               there.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded. 
               His hair is slicked down)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               Mousse. I moussed up.

               
                             ELAINE
               I guess it was just a matter of time.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, I should've done this years 
               ago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives. 
               My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse. 
               Hey, tell me the truth,
 
               
               have you ever seen a better looking guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, look, its so subjective.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't mean to interrupt or anything, 
               but on Sunday, my friend is having a 
               brunch for the New York Marathon.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               She lives right above First Avenue, 
               and says she has a perfect view of the 
               race. And she said I can invite some 
               friends.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe.

               
               (A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny, 
               the building supervisors)
 
               
                             HAROLD
               No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams 
               out something in Spanish)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Harold and Manny.

               
                             HAROLD
               I'm not going. (Manny says something 
               in Spanish, Jerry goes out into the 
               hall)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boys, boys.

               
                             HAROLD
               Oh, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               I slid the rent under your door, Harold. 
               Did you get it?
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would 
               you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker's 
               apartment? (Manny starts yelling at 
               Harold in Spanish) I was only
 
               
               joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's 
               things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there 
               now and clean the apartment.
 
               
               It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there 
               for a month.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died?

               
                             HAROLD
               Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. 
               She didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying.
 
               
               
                             MANNY
               Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry 
               up!
 
               
                             HAROLD
               (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! 
               I'm talking. So, Jerry, you know anyone 
               who needs an apartment?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding? You know my friend 
               Elaine?
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Oh yeah, I like her. She always says 
               "hello" to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause 
               she would take it in a second.
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, 
               but he got deported. (Manny starts protesting 
               in Spanish) What's the difference? It's 
               true.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, it's okay? I could just tell her 
               she can have it?
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, 
               too. It's only four hundred dollars 
               a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. 
               (Manny keeps talking in Spanish) Okay.
 
               
               
               (Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, 
               what do you think?
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his 
               hair.
 
               
                             MANNY
               (In Spanish) It looks worse.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks.
 
               
               
               (Jerry enters his apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               What was that all about?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, nothing important.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's going on? What is that look?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What look? Nothing.

               
                             ELAINE
               Something's going on here.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know if you should sit for this 
               or not. Sitting is good if you faint, 
               but standing is good for jumping up 
               and down.. I can't decide.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jumping up and down? What are you talking 
               about? C'mon. Cough it up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - 
               rarely ever thinking of myself. My only 
               concern is the welfare and happiness 
               of those close to me. Sure, it hurts
 
               
               
               sometimes - to give, and give, and give..

               
                             ELAINE
               Would you please?

               
                             JERRY
               What would you say if I told you that..
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Told me what?!

               
                             JERRY
               ..I got you an apartment in this building.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Dumbfounded) No.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               You didn't.

               
                             JERRY
               I did.

               
                             ELAINE
               You got me an apartment in the building?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I got you an apartment in the building.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How did you..

               
                             JERRY
               Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old 
               woman who lived above me?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               She died.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Thrilled) She died?!

               
                             JERRY
               She died.

               
                             ELAINE
               She died!

               
                             JERRY
               And the rent's only four hundred dollars 
               a month!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles 
               back) Four hundred a month? Only four 
               hundred a month?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Four hundred a month.

               
                             ELAINE
               And I'll be right upstairs?

               
                             JERRY
               Right upstairs.

               
                             ELAINE
               Right above you?

               
                             JERRY
               Right above me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all 
               the time!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Suddenly having second thoughts) All 
               the time..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We can exchange keys so we can come 
               in and out. Oh, this is going to be 
               great!
 
               
                             JERRY
               ..All the time..

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               The problem with talking is that nobody 
               stops you from saying the wrong thing. 
               I think life would be a lot better if 
               it was like you're always making a movie.
 
               
               
               You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole 
               shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you 
               could take back. You're out
 
               
               somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" "Cut, 
               cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the 
               door, and come back in. Let's take
 
               
               this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!"
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, 
               Donna. (Walks out, he runs into Jerry 
               outside the shop) What happened to you?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can't believe what I just did.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What? What did you do?

               
                             JERRY
               I could tell you what I did, but you 
               wouldn't believe it. It's not believable.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What did you do?

               
                             JERRY
               How could I have done that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Done what?

               
                             JERRY
               I told Elaine about an apartment opening 
               up in my building. She's going to move 
               in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine's moving into your building?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. Right above me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right above you?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're gonna be neighbors.

               
                             JERRY
               I know. Neighbors.

               
                             GEORGE
               She's right above you?

               
                             JERRY
               Right above me.

               
                             GEORGE
               How could you do that?

               
                             JERRY
               'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're 
               an idiot, but with all due respect - 
               I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't insult me, my friend. Remember 
               who you're talking to. No one's a bigger 
               idiot than me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to 
               move into your building?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Did you ever go to a singles weekend 
               in the Poconos?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's right in my building! Right above 
               me! Every time I come in the building, 
               I'm gonna have to sneak around like 
               a cat burglar.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're doomed. You're gonna have to 
               have all your sex at women's apartments. 
               It'll be like a permanent road trip. 
               Forget about the home bed
 
               
               advantage.

               
                             JERRY
               But I need the home bed advantage!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course, we all do.

               
                             JERRY
               (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come 
               in for two minutes and sit with me.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I was just in there. It's embarrassing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, who's gonna know?

               
                             GEORGE
               They saw me walk out.

               
                             JERRY
               Two minutes.

               
               (Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)

               
                             JERRY
               My censoring system broke down. You 
               know that little guy in your head who 
               watches everything you say? Makes sure 
               you don't make a mistake? He went
 
               
               
               for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.

               
                             GEORGE
               My censor quit two years ago. He checked 
               into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine 
               thing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Tough.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, the water pressure's terrible 
               in my building.. and she loves a good 
               shower.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think anyone's turned down an 
               apartment because of a weak shower spray.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               If they were fanatic about showers, 
               they might.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               For that rent, she'd take a bath in 
               the toilet tank if she had to..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look at that woman feeding her baby 
               greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned 
               beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you 
               have to have a date first.. remember 
               my friend, Adam, from Detroit?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, the guy with the flat head?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's a cube.. anyway, he got married 
               six months ago. he told me ever since 
               he's been wearing a wedding band, women 
               have been coming on to him
 
               
               everywhere he goes.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I've heard that about wedding 
               bands.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Joking) I wonder if that's really true.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That would be an interesting sociological 
               experiment. You know, Kramer has his 
               father's band. He'd loan it to you.
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Apartment buliding hallway)

               
               (George is trying on a wedding band)

               
                             GEORGE
               Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you 
               in a week.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, I don't even know why you're 
               fooling around with this ring. I've 
               been telling you, get yourself some 
               plugs, or a piece.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not doing that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're 
               a good looking guy. What do you want 
               to walk around like that for?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I'll put half a can of mousse in 
               my head like you.
 
               
               (Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall)

               
                             HAROLD
               I told you I don't like these sponges, 
               they're too small! I want a big sponge! 
               (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything 
               with these! There's no absorption!
 
               
               
               (Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Boys, boys.

               
                             HAROLD
               Hi, Jerry.

               
                             HAROLD
               Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish 
               to Harold)
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             HAROLD
               Because somebody offered Manny five 
               thousand dollars for the apartment. 
               I don't want to do it. Manny wants to 
               do it. (Manny yells) Because it's true!
 
               
               
               Why shouldn't I tell him?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. 
               (Manny talks in Spanish)
 
               
                             HAROLD
               Oh, now, he says that if your friend 
               has five thousand dollars, we'll give 
               it to her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's a lot of money. But, if 
               that's the way it's gotta be, that's 
               the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to 
               his apartment) You know, I used to think 
               that the
 
               
               universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, 
               but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to you?

               
                             JERRY
               Religion, my friend, that's what happened 
               to me. Because, I have just been informed 
               that it's going to cost Elaine the sum 
               of five thousand dollars to get the
 
               
               
               apartment upstairs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have 
               five thousand dollars!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course she doesn't have five thousand 
               dollars!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, she can't get the apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Can't get it.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, she doesn't move in.

               
                             JERRY
               No move. So, you see, it's all part 
               of a divine plan.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And how does the baldness fit into that 
               plan?
 
               
               (The intercom buzzes)

               
                             JERRY
               (Into the intercom) Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, 
               this is going to require some great 
               acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. 
               You're going to really see
 
               
               me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should 
               go in the other room.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Are you kidding?! I lie ever second 
               of the day. My whole life is a sham!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               'Cause you know, I love Elaine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course you do.

               
                             JERRY
               But you know.. not in the building. 
               Really, I feel terrible about this. 
               My intentions were good. What can I 
               do? Tell me..
 
               
                             
               (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll 
               be seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good 
               morning, good morning.." Have you ever 
               gotten up in the morning
 
               
               and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift 
               of sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other 
               room) Oh, and before I forget, I have the
 
               
               checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have 
               seventy-five dollars left in my account.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's 
               a little bit of a problem.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, 
               I know. I've already thought about it, 
               and I'm switching to baths. As Winston 
               Churchill said, "Why stand when
 
               
               you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies..

               
                             JERRY
               No, someone offered Harold and Manny 
               five thousand for the apartment. I'm 
               sure they'd just as soon give it to 
               you, but you'd have to come up with 
               that
 
               
               money.

               
                             ELAINE
               Five thousand dollars? I don't have 
               five thousand dollars.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know.

               
                             ELAINE
               How am I going to get five thousand 
               dollars?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I have no idea.

               
               (Enter Kramer)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, my new neighbor!

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not moving in.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               They want five thousand dollars now.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So, okay. What's the problem?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't have five thousand dollars.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, you can come up with five thousand 
               dollars.. Jerry, you don't have five 
               thousand dollars you can led her? Come 
               on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something 
               you want to borrow?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, that's too much money to borrow.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Loan her the money. You can afford it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She doesn't want to borrow the money.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's 
               five grand between friends?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Of course I'd pay you back..

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, so what's the problem?

               
                             JERRY
               Who said there's a problem?

               
                             KRAMER
               He said he'd loan you the money.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well Jerry, it might take a while for 
               me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. 
               How do you feel about that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's okay. He doesn't care.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, money can sometimes come between 
               friends.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Get outta here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Let me think about it.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's to think about?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. 
               let me just take one more look at it. 
               (Leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               It was all over! Taken care of. Done! 
               Finished. Five thousand.. Where's she 
               gonna get five thousand? She doesn't 
               have five thousand. Clean. Good bye.
 
               
               
               She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five thousand? 
               What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand."
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You didn't want her in the building?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I didn't!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, then what did you loan her the 
               five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she 
               won't take it.. I mean, she did say 
               that she was going to think about it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               People don't turn down money! It's what 
               separates us from the animals.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I still don't understand what the problem 
               is having her in the building.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let me explain something to you.. You 
               see, you're not normal. You're a great 
               guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, 
               on the other hand, am a human being. 
               I
 
               
               sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain 
               situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Because I'm a pod?

               
               (George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'll take it!

               
               (George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room)
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Roxanne's apartment)

               
               (Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry 
               and George. Roxanne greets them)
 
               
                             ROXANNE
               Hi, Elaine..

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These 
               are my friends. This is George, and 
               this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) 
               Jerry's the one who got me my new
 
               
               
               apartment!

               
                             ROXANNE
               So, you're Elaine's hero.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's my life's work.

               
                             ROXANNE
               There are so few true heros left in 
               this world. (Jerry's attracted to Roxanne, 
               Elaine notices)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, 
               my wife couldn't make it today. She's 
               got some thing with her mother.. Who 
               know's what going on with her. Don't
 
               
               
               let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle)

               
                             JERRY
               Well, better load up on some carbos 
               before the race. (Starts selecting food 
               from the tables)
 
               
                             ROXANNE
               Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in 
               it.
 
               
                             ROXANNE
               I wish we had a view of the finish line.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's to see? A woman from Norway, 
               a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand 
               losers.
 
               
               (Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next 
               to an attractive woman)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me 
               about the lawn today. I'm tellin' ya, 
               it's one thing after another.
 
               
                             RITA
               Is she here?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, she's working.

               
                             RITA
               What does she do?

               
                             GEORGE
               She's an.. entymologist - you know, 
               bees, flies, gnats. What about you?
 
               
               
                             RITA
               I work for the Director of Madison Square 
               Garden. It's great! I can get free tickets 
               to any sporting even in New York. (George 
               is stunned) Anyway, she's a
 
               
               very luck woman.

               
                             GEORGE
               But.. (She leaves, George is standing 
               there)
 
               
               (Scene cuts to an entering man and woman)

               
                             ROXANNE
               Hi Stan. Joanne.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. 
               They're in my short story class with 
               Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got 
               me a great apartment in his building!
 
               
               
                             JOANNE
               Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a 
               close friend nearby?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Fantastic..

               
                             STAN
               She can pop in whenever she wants.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know.

               
                             JOANNE
               She doesn't even need to knock!

               
                             JERRY
               It's tremendous.

               
                             STAN
               Anytime of day.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm in heaven.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's 
               the one who got me the apartment.
 
               
               
                             RITA
               Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this 
               is the guy who got Elaine the apartment.
 
               
               
               (Scene cuts to George)

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal 
               about being a matador. The bull charges, 
               you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The 
               both laugh flirtingly)
 
               
                             SUSIE
               So, are you really married? Because, 
               I've actually heard of single guys who 
               wear wedding bands to attrack women.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You'd have to be a real loser to try 
               something like that.
 
               
                             SUSIE
               That's too bad, because I really have 
               a thing for bald guys with glasses. 
               (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)
 
               
               
                             RITA
               Hey everybody! Here come the runners!
 
               
               
               (Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put)

               
                             ELAINE
               So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, 
               huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really? From a distance, you seemed 
               to be coming on to her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm a guy.. it always looks like that.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Because, I was thinking.. are you at 
               all concerned that living in the same 
               building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Na..

               
                             ELAINE
               Because, I was worried that there might 
               be a situation in which one of us come 
               home with somebody, it could get a little 
               uncomfortable. But - as long as
 
               
               you're okay with it, it's fine with me.

               
               (Scene cuts to George)

               
                             JANICE
               I've never been able to be with just 
               one person. I can, however, carry on 
               strictly physical relationships which 
               can last for years and years. It's a 
               shame
 
               
               you're married..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Frantically tries to take the ring 
               off) I'm not. It's just a sociological 
               experiment!
 
               
                             JANICE
               Please.. (Walks away)

               
               (Jerry walks over to George)

               
                             JERRY
               You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine 
               just gave me a chance to get out and 
               I didn't take it. (Points to himself) 
               This is an idiot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is that right? (Showing him up) I just 
               threw away a lifetime of guilt-free 
               sex and floor seats for ever sporting 
               event in Madison Square Garden. So please,
 
               
               
               a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!

               
                             ROXANNE
               (Yelling out the window) You're all 
               winners!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But suddenly, a new contender has emerged..
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep 
               at all last night.. I decided I have 
               to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. 
               That's all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are 
               you
 
               
               listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide 
               right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you 
               back after I talk to her. Bye.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's 
               cool.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? What's cool?

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             KRAMER
               I just found a guy who's willing to 
               pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You what?! Get out! Ten thousand?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Nods) Cash.

               
                             JERRY
               Who would pay that much?

               
                             KRAMER
               He's in the music business.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine would never borrow that much 
               money! (Hugs Kramer, then grabs him 
               by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! 
               This is beautiful! I think I'm in the 
               clear
 
               
               here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She 
               has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, occasionally, I like to help the 
               humans.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is 
               coming through the walls)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Wow. You're right. That is loud.

               
                             JERRY
               It's just unbelievable.

               
                             ELAINE
               They rehearse all the time?

               
                             JERRY
               All the time. I've been up there six 
               times. They refuse to stop. I can't 
               live like this. I don't know what I'm 
               gonna do. I'm heading for breakdown! 
               (To Harold)
 
               
               Can't you do something?

               
                             HAROLD
               I'm not going up. It stinks up there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Manny..

               
                             MANNY
               (In Spanish) They're allowed to play 
               until eleven o' clock.
 
               
                             HAROLD
               I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. 
               He makes up his own rules.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd 
               never hear a peep out of me. I'm as 
               quiet as a mouse.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Talking about the music) Oh, I love 
               the one they do right after this one!
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. What do you do when a 
               neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise 
               at three o' clock in the morning? I 
               mean, can you knock on someone's door               
               and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole 
               self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening 
               to me? Can I do this? Am I a               
               shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going 
               on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... 
               shhh... shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause               
               nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. 
               "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people 
               you can't shush in a movie               
               theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. 
               They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing 
               them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Apartment



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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