THE APOLOGY
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
JERRY,
Any
second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.
MELISSA,
Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.
JERRY,
How about that.
MELISSA,
Mmm-hmm.
GEORGE
She ate breakfast naked?
JERRY
She didn't even want a napkin.
GEORGE
I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom
naked... I have never had living-room naked.
JERRY
Oh, it's a scene.
GEORGE
It's like you're livin' in the Playboy
Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?
JERRY
I don't really have enough room.
GEORGE,
Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy.
ELAINE
Hey!
PUDDY
Hi.
JERRY
Hey.
PUDDY,
I got to make a pit stop.
ELAINE,
'Kay.
JERRY
Back together?
ELAINE
His apartment was being fumigated,
so we thought we'd give it
another shot.
JERRY
Ah...
ELAINE
So guess who called me last night?
Jason Hanke.
GEORGE
'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?
ELAINE
He called to apologize for standing
me up five years ago.
JERRY
Why now?
ELAINE
A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps.
Step number Nine is you have to
apologize to anyone you've ever wronged.
GEORGE
Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke
to come crawling back to me.
JERRY
Still with the neck hole?
GEORGE
Still upset. Very upset.
ELAINE
What neck hole?
GEORGE
Remember that New Year's party he threw
a few years ago? He had that
very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue.
GEORGE
I asked if I could borrow a sweater.
JERRY
A cashmere sweater.
GEORGE
I said preferably cashmere, for warmth.
So in front of the whole
party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck
hole.'
ELAINE
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody
else did!
ELAINE
Well, it's funny. I mean, you have
a big head. Or is it 'cause of
your neck?
JERRY
No, I think the head does most of the
stretching.
GEORGE
Regardless. I had to walk around for
the rest of the party in some
cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time.
ELAINE
I really think it's the size of your
neck.
GEORGE
It's my head!
ELAINE
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
ELAINE
Hey.
PEGGY
Hey.
ELAINE
Isn't this great? With those nerds
in accounting moved, you and I
are the only ones who use this bathroom.
(Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the
toilet)
KRAMER
You went to the coffee shop without
me? I told ya, I just wanted to
hop in the shower.
JERRY
That was an hour ago. What were you
doing in there?
KRAMER
Showering. How long does it take you?
JERRY
Ten minutes.
KRAMER,
Ten minutes? That's
kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
ELAINE
Ten minutes.
KRAMER
Let me smell you.
ELAINE
All right. Whiff away.
KRAMER,
Uh... that's not bad at all.
ELAINE,
Hup! That's it.
KRAMER,
OK.
ELAINE
So get this. I'm in the bathroom at
work today, and I see Peggy
using a seat protector.
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
So... we're the only women on the floor.
I mean, we're like
roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a
roommate?
JERRY,
I
think the damage is probably already done.
JERRY,
All
right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.
ELAINE,
Yeah, you're
probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.
JERRY
Mmm.
KRAMER
Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe
I can make some changes. Get
wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop-
focus!
JERRY,
Zephyr? That is not a
word.
MELISSA
Do you challenge?
JERRY
No, I do not challenge.
MELISSA
66 points. Ha ha.
JERRY
I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't
know where you'd hide the
tiles.
MELISSA
You want some more ice tea?
JERRY
Sure.
MELISSA,
Wrong
pipe.
GEORGE,
So she coughed.
JERRY
Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off,
man.
GEORGE
Everything goes with naked.
JERRY
When you cough, there are thousands
of unseen muscles that suddenly
spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball
in his
stomach in slow motion.
GEORGE
Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you
now how much mental energy I
expend just trying to picture women naked?
JERRY
But the thing you don't realize is
that there's good naked and bad
naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey,
there's Hanke.
GEORGE
All right. It's grovel time.
HANKE
Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just
got sober, so I've been going
through the Twelve Steps.
GEORGE
What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?
HANKE
Yeah. Making amends.
GEORGE
Important step. Maybe the most important.
HANKE
Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may
sound dumb, but, you know, when
we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may
even have
called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you
noticed, but I
always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.
JERRY
Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate
you rectifying it.
HANKE
(eyeing George, who's looking expectedly
up at him): Great. Great.
Well, I'll see you guys later.
KRAMER,
Well, I just got out of a 27-minute
shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed.
Yeah, I
think what I kept is even stronger now.
JERRY,
You got some suds over here.
KRAMER,
Wha...? Oh, man!
Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me
what I'm doing
wrong.
JERRY
Oh, come on!
KRAMER
No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!
JERRY
You promise you'll never come in here
again?
KRAMER,
Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.
JERRY,
Now my sense of it is that you're probably
wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then
another.
KRAMER
Well, that's how cats do it.
JERRY
But, when you have a faucet instead
of a tongue, you want to use
gravity.
KRAMER
OK. Let's turn the water on now.
JERRY
No, I told you, it's just a dry run.
GEORGE,
Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten.
He
was spotted taking personal inventory.
JERRY
That's Step Ten?
GEORGE
All he has to do now is count his blessings,
say a prayer, and he's
done. Do you believe this?
KRAMER
Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy
swimsuit?
JERRY
You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.
KRAMER
Well, this has all been one big tease!
ELAINE,
These
proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this
will work.
PEGGY,
I'm... gonna
get another bottle of water.
WALTER,
Here, take mine.
There's a little left.
PEGGY,
Oh, thanks, Walter. Ahh!
HANKE,
Guys, there's no doubt that the pay
is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice
cream.
MAN #1
You get pretty buff forearms.
HANKE
I don't know if I'm into that.
GEORGE,
Oh, hello, Hanke, others.
HANKE
George.
GEORGE
You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't
help notice, I... I didn't get my
apology.
HANKE
Apology? For what?
GEORGE
A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless
friend? A ball-game giveaway
Metlife windbreaker?
HANKE
George, come on, not that neck hole
thing.
GEORGE
Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would
appreciate it if you would
say you're sorry.
HANKE
No way, you would've completely stretched
it out.
GEORGE
You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize.
Step Nine! Step Nine.
HANKE
All right, George, all right. I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry. I'm so
sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling
to find its way
through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.
KRAMER,
Now see, that's smart.
Constant motion. Wow.
MAN IN SHOWER,
Hey!
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you,
too. But this guy's really
showing me something!
KRAMER,
You got a
steak?
JERRY
What happened to you?
KRAMER
Ah, people in this city are crazy.
JERRY,
Here ya go.
KRAMER,
Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you
got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, a different one.
JERRY,
Oh!
KRAMER
Jerry!
MELISSA,
OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.
JERRY
Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I
don't ride it. It's just for
show.
MELISSA,
I should really clean those
bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.
JERRY
Please don't crouch.
MELISSA
Ouch! Caught my skin.
JERRY
Oh, that's bad. Especially that area.
MELISSA
You got anything to snack on?
JERRY
Uhh...
MELISSA,
Oh, pickles!
Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.
JERRY
Look, please stop! Let me help you
with that!
MELISSA,
Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a
welt.
Look at that.
JERRY,
I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've
seen too
much.
ELAINE
Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it
about me that you find so
offensive?
PEGGY
You seem to be with a lot of men.
ELAINE
What!? I happen to have a very steady
boyfriend. You know, I mean,
we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy
here or... or
there, but, wh-why is this your business?
PEGGY
It's not. Good day.
Elaine, (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her
butt,
right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How
about some for
your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm?
That's good,
isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.
JERRY
Well, technically he did apologize.
GEORGE
Jerry, I felt like a straight man in
some horrible sketch. He was
riffing! Riffing! On my pain!
JERRY
So now you want an apology for the
apology, plus the original
apology?
GEORGE
That's right. I'm two in the hole!
JERRY
Well, I hit the wall yesterday with
Lady Godiva. She did a full body
flex on a pickle jar.
GEORGE
Did you explain to her about the good
naked and the bad naked?
JERRY
Where am I gonna get a fat guy and
a cannonball?
GEORGE
Well... what if you showed up bad naked,
huh? You still got that
belt sander?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE,
Well, you on all fours, that thing
vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!
JERRY,
Hello?
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling
from!
JERRY
World War I plane?
KRAMER
No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know,
I'm trying to get out of the
shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where
I want to
be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth,
and now I
ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.
JERRY
When are ya gettin' out?
KRAMER
I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy.
PETERMAN
Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick.
ELAINE
Oh, please.
PETERMAN
She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering
from intense malaise.
ELAINE
Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise.
Right?
PETERMAN
I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's
in bed.
ELAINE
Yeah, let me tell you something: this
is all in her mind, OK? She is
insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob,
rubbed
her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah,
she's a
wacko.
GEORGE,
So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?
SPONSOR
Sponsor.
GEORGE
Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned
about this guy.
SPONSOR
He's doing very well. He's already
on to Step Ten.
GEORGE
Yeah, well when you don't actually
do the steps, you can go through
them pretty quick. You can get through six a day.
SPONSOR
Is there some unresolved issue between
you and Jason?
GEORGE
I don't know. A little thing called
Step Nine? Instead of an
apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me.
SPONSOR
I'm not sure what you want me to do.
GEORGE
Well, aren't you the boss of him? You
shouldn't let him move up!
When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three
years 'cause
I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.
SPONSOR
You're quite upset, George.
GEORGE
Well, I think you should drop him down
to Step Two.
SPONSOR
Admit there's a higher power?
GEORGE
Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.
SPONER
You know George, I think I can help
you. We're having a meeting
tomorrow. Why don't you just come by?
GEORGE
All right. That's more like it. Thank
you very much.
GEORGE,
By the way, my
uncle was an alcoholic, so...
KRAMER,
Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry
likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's
naked. Calm
down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a
clog, I'll call
ya back.
MELISSA,
What are you doing?
JERRY,
I found a rough spot on the kitchen
floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have
here.
MELISSA
No, not that. Why are you naked?
JERRY
I thought naked is good.
MELISSA,
This isn't good naked.
SPONSOR,
George, here, have a seat.
GEORGE,
Where's Hanke?
SPONSOR,
Shhhhh.
LEADER
OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics
Anonymous.
GEORGE
What? Rate-aholics?
SPONSOR
George, this can help you.
GEORGE
Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here
for revenge.
LEADER
Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy
at these meetings.
GEORGE
Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead?
Am I?!
LEADER
Please don't call me 'Pinhead'.
GEORGE
I'm losin' it!
JERRY,
He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
GEORGE
Probably because this whole Universe
is against me!
JERRY
You've got a little rage.
GEORGE
I know. And now they want me to bottle
it up. It makes me so mad!
JERRY
By the way, my bad naked demo didn't
quite work.
GEORGE
This bread has nuts in it!
JERRY,
Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with
my body?
ELAINE
Chicken wing shoulder blades.
JERRY
That's it?
ELAINE
No, but that's one problem. Why?
JERRY
Well, I was walking around naked in
front of Melissa the other day--
ELAINE
Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh...
that is not a good look for a
man.
GEORGE
Why not? It's a good look for a woman.
ELAINE
Well, the female body is a... work
of art. The male body is
utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.
JERRY
So you don't think it's attractive?
ELAINE
It's hideous. The hair, the... the
lumpiness. It's simian.
GEORGE
Well, some women like it.
ELAINE
Hmm. Sickies.
KRAMER,
Installing your
Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main
drainage lot.
Oh, come on, Clarkman.
PUDDY,
Puddy.
KRAMER
Is, uh, David Puddy there?
PUDDY
This is Puddy.
KRAMER
Well, this is Kramer.
PUDDY
I know.
KRAMER
Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could
you help me install a garbage
disposal?
PUDDY
Well, it's a big job. You've got to
dismantle the latch hasp from the
auxiliary drainage line.
KRAMER
No. It says 'main line'.
PUDDY
It's a misprint. What do you got, a
Clarkman?
KRAMER
Yeah.
through it.
KRAMER
Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy.
ELAINE
Hey, Puddy.
PUDDY
Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe
five bucks for a balloon
bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when
you see him.
ELAINE
Balloon bouquet? For who?
PUDDY
Peggy took a turn for the worst.
ELAINE
Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still
blaming me?
PUDDY
That's what he said.
ELAINE
I don't believe this woman.
PUDDY
Talk to me, Babe.
ELAINE
She's this crazy woman who is convinced
that my germs make her sick.
PUDDY
Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's
about.
ELAINE
Huh?
ELAINE
What is this symbol?
PUDDY
It's a germ.
PEGGY
Elaine, it was very nice of you to
bring the man you're currently
sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have
any problem
with germs.
PUDDY
Don't you? Elaine.
(Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy)
PUDDY
I know it looks bleak. I've been there.
Ten years ago waking up in
bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the
Phisohex.
PEGGY
Really?
PUDDY
I still have trouble looking at those
disgusting old bedroom slippers
she slogs around in.
ELAINE
Hey, I've had those since college.
They're bunnies.
PUDDY
They're bacteria traps.
PEGGY
So you... just learned to live with
it?
PUDDY
For the most part.
ELAINE
OK, we're broken up for the rest of
the day.
JERRY
So I'm glad we had a talk and worked
this out. Don't you feel this is
better?
MELISSA
This is nice.
JERRY
Yes, clothes. This is normal.
MELISSA
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I
was thinking that we could go
down...
(as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously
naked,
and stops paying attention)
MELISSA
Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to
me?
JERRY
Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.
MELISSA
I wanted to know what you're doing
tomorrow.
JERRY
Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know,
maybe a...
(as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly,
'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention)
KRAMER,
So you broke up?
JERRY
We couldn't carry on a conversation.
I kept trying to picture her
naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.
KRAMER
Hang on.
(Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub)
JERRY
So what are you up to?
KRAMER
Oh, just cooking up a little thank
you for Puddy. Hey, how do you
make those radish roses?
JERRY
Insert a knife into the center and
twist. Then, to make it bloom,
soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.
KRAMER
No problem there.
HANKE,
George. Thanks for coming down to talk
to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't
very
flexible. I just started yesterday.
GEORGE
Well, I'm here. What is it?
HANKE
Well, I talked to my sponsor, and,
uh, I've thought it over, and, you
know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude,
and you deserve
much better.
HANKE
You're welcome.
KID,
Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint?
HANKE
Waffle or sugar cone?
GEORGE
Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't
want to get into a big thing
here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said
was actually an
apology.
HANKE
What?
KID
Can you get on that cone?
HANKE
Would you hang on just a second, son?
George, what are you talking
about?
GEORGE
Well, it's just, all you said was 'your
welcome', which is nice.
It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology.
KID
Is there anybody else here but you?
HANKE
I'm alone, and it's my second day.
You know, I don't even think we
have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know,
I-I admitted I
was wrong, so what more do you want from me?
GEORGE
I would like an apology.
HANKE
All right, look, you know--
KID #2,
Did you try it?
KID
No, this guy doesn't know what he's
doing.
HANKE
Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting
with someone here, if
you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Baah! There it is! You just said it!
That's what I want! Now say it
again, and tell it to me.
HANKE
I'm not saying anything to you. I'm
not sorry. I was never sorry. It
was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where
is it? Can't
find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What
are you
looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get
out!
ELAINE,
Mmm. This food is
FANTASTIC, PEGGY
And what a pretty radish rose, huh?
KRAMER
Well, thank you.
ELAINE
Here's to Peggy, on her first week
of being germ-free, free.
(all four make toast)
KRAMER
Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for
helping me install a much needed
and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.
(all four make another toast)
PEGGY
You have a garbage disposal in your
bathtub?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time.
Yeah, I made this whole meal in
there.
ELAINE
This food was in the shower with you?
KRAMER
Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.
(Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch)
PUDDY
Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!
GEORGE
Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?
GEORGE
Thanks. What are you guys doin' here?
ELAINE
Kramer.
GEORGE
Right.
Download Sound
HANKE,
Hi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a
rage-aholic.
AUDIENCE
Hi, Jason.
HANKE
Uh, this is my first meeting.
GEORGE
Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper!
He skips Step Nine!
HANKE
Please. Step Nine.
GEORGE
That's right! He never apologized to
me for saying that I would
stretch out the neck hole of his sweater.
(audience laughs)
GEORGE
It wasn't funny.
HANKE
It was a very nice sweater. Take a
look at his neck, not to mention
the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him
with a v-neck.
GEORGE
He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm
losin' it!
THE END
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