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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE APOLOGY



                           Written by

                      Jennifer Crittenden




 
               
               
                             JERRY,
               Any

               second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.

                             MELISSA,
               Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.

                             JERRY,
               How about that.

                             MELISSA,
               Mmm-hmm.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               She ate breakfast naked?

                             JERRY
               She didn't even want a napkin.

                             GEORGE
               I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom 
               naked... I have never had living-room naked.

                             JERRY
               Oh, it's a scene.

                             GEORGE
               It's like you're livin' in the Playboy 
               Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?

                             JERRY
               I don't really have enough room.
 
               
                             GEORGE,
               Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy.

                             ELAINE
               Hey!

                             PUDDY
               Hi.

                             JERRY
               Hey.

                             PUDDY,
               I got to make a pit stop.

                             ELAINE,
               'Kay.

                             JERRY
               Back together?

                             ELAINE
               His apartment was being fumigated, 
               so we thought we'd give it 
               another shot.

                             JERRY
               Ah...

                             ELAINE
               So guess who called me last night? 
               Jason Hanke.
 
                             GEORGE
               'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He called to apologize for standing 
               me up five years ago.
 
                             JERRY
               Why now?

                             ELAINE
               A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. 
               Step number Nine is you have to
 
               apologize to anyone you've ever wronged.

                             GEORGE
               Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke 
               to come crawling back to me.
 
                             JERRY
               Still with the neck hole?

                             GEORGE
               Still upset. Very upset.

                             ELAINE
               What neck hole?

                             GEORGE
               Remember that New Year's party he threw 
               a few years ago? He had that
 
               very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue.

                             GEORGE
               I asked if I could borrow a sweater.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A cashmere sweater.

                             GEORGE
               I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. 
               So in front of the whole
 
               party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck 
               hole.'
 
                             ELAINE
               Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody 
               else did!
 
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's funny. I mean, you have 
               a big head. Or is it 'cause of
 
               your neck?

                             JERRY
               No, I think the head does most of the 
               stretching.
 
                             GEORGE
               Regardless. I had to walk around for 
               the rest of the party in some
 
               cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time.

                             ELAINE
               I really think it's the size of your 
               neck.
 
                             GEORGE
               It's my head!

                             ELAINE
               Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

                             PEGGY
               Hey.

                             ELAINE
               Isn't this great? With those nerds 
               in accounting moved, you and I
 
               are the only ones who use this bathroom.

               (Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the 
               toilet)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You went to the coffee shop without 
               me? I told ya, I just wanted to
 
               hop in the shower.

                             JERRY
               That was an hour ago. What were you 
               doing in there?
 
                             KRAMER
               Showering. How long does it take you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ten minutes.

                             KRAMER,
               Ten minutes? That's

               kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ten minutes.

                             KRAMER
               Let me smell you.

                             ELAINE
               All right. Whiff away.

                             KRAMER,
               Uh... that's not bad at all.

                             ELAINE,
               Hup! That's it.

                             KRAMER,
               OK.

                             ELAINE
               So get this. I'm in the bathroom at 
               work today, and I see Peggy
 
               using a seat protector.

                             JERRY
               So?

                             ELAINE
               So... we're the only women on the floor. 
               I mean, we're like
 
               roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a 
               roommate?
 
                             JERRY,
               I

               think the damage is probably already done.

                             JERRY,
               All

               right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.
 
               
                             ELAINE,
               Yeah, you're

               probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Mmm.

                             KRAMER
               Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe 
               I can make some changes. Get
 
               wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- 
               focus!
 
               
                             JERRY,
               Zephyr? That is not a

               word.

                             MELISSA
               Do you challenge?

                             JERRY
               No, I do not challenge.

                             MELISSA
               66 points. Ha ha.

                             JERRY
               I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't 
               know where you'd hide the
 
               tiles.

                             MELISSA
               You want some more ice tea?

                             JERRY
               Sure.

                             MELISSA,
               Wrong

               pipe.

               
                             GEORGE,
               So she coughed.

                             JERRY
               Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, 
               man.
 
                             GEORGE
               Everything goes with naked.

                             JERRY
               When you cough, there are thousands 
               of unseen muscles that suddenly
 
               spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball 
               in his
 
               stomach in slow motion.

                             GEORGE
               Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you 
               now how much mental energy I
 
               expend just trying to picture women naked?

                             JERRY
               But the thing you don't realize is 
               that there's good naked and bad
 
               naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, 
               there's Hanke.
 
                             GEORGE
               All right. It's grovel time.

                             HANKE
               Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just 
               got sober, so I've been going
 
               through the Twelve Steps.

                             GEORGE
               What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?
 
               
                             HANKE
               Yeah. Making amends.

                             GEORGE
               Important step. Maybe the most important.
 
               
                             HANKE
               Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may 
               sound dumb, but, you know, when
 
               we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may 
               even have
 
               called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you 
               noticed, but I
 
               always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.

                             JERRY
               Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate 
               you rectifying it.
 
                             HANKE
               (eyeing George, who's looking expectedly 
               up at him): Great. Great.
 
               Well, I'll see you guys later.

               
                             KRAMER,
               Well, I just got out of a 27-minute
 
               
               shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. 
               Yeah, I
 
               think what I kept is even stronger now.

                             JERRY,
               You got some suds over here.

                             KRAMER,
               Wha...? Oh, man!

               Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me 
               what I'm doing
 
               wrong.

                             JERRY
               Oh, come on!

                             KRAMER
               No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!

                             JERRY
               You promise you'll never come in here 
               again?
 
                             KRAMER,
               Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.
 
               
               
                             JERRY,
               Now my sense of it is that you're probably
 
               
               wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then 
               another.
 
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's how cats do it.

                             JERRY
               But, when you have a faucet instead 
               of a tongue, you want to use
 
               gravity.

                             KRAMER
               OK. Let's turn the water on now. 
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I told you, it's just a dry run.
 
               
                             GEORGE,
               Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. 
               He
 
               was spotted taking personal inventory.

                             JERRY
               That's Step Ten?

                             GEORGE
               All he has to do now is count his blessings, 
               say a prayer, and he's
 
               done. Do you believe this?

                             KRAMER
               Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy 
               swimsuit?
 
                             JERRY
               You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, this has all been one big tease!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE,
               These

               proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this 
               will work.
 
                             PEGGY,
               I'm... gonna

               get another bottle of water.

                             WALTER,
               Here, take mine.

               There's a little left.

                             PEGGY,
               Oh, thanks, Walter. Ahh!

               
                             HANKE,
               Guys, there's no doubt that the pay
 
               
               is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice 
               cream.
 
                             MAN #1
               You get pretty buff forearms.

                             HANKE
               I don't know if I'm into that.

                             GEORGE,
               Oh, hello, Hanke, others.

                             HANKE
               George.

                             GEORGE
               You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't 
               help notice, I... I didn't get my
 
               
               apology.

                             HANKE
               Apology? For what?

                             GEORGE
               A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless 
               friend? A ball-game giveaway
 
               Metlife windbreaker?

                             HANKE
               George, come on, not that neck hole 
               thing.
 
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would 
               appreciate it if you would
 
               say you're sorry.

                             HANKE
               No way, you would've completely stretched 
               it out.
 
                             GEORGE
               You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. 
               Step Nine! Step Nine.
 
                             HANKE
               All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. 
               I'm very, very sorry. I'm so
 
               sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling 
               to find its way
 
               through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER,
               Now see, that's smart.

               Constant motion. Wow.

                             MAN IN SHOWER,
               Hey!

                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, 
               too. But this guy's really
 
               showing me something!

                             KRAMER,
               You got a

               steak?

                             JERRY
               What happened to you?

                             KRAMER
               Ah, people in this city are crazy.
 
               
                             JERRY,
               Here ya go.

                             KRAMER,
               Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you
 
               
               got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.

                             JERRY
               What?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah, a different one.

                             JERRY,
               Oh!

                             KRAMER
               Jerry!

               
                             MELISSA,
               OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.

                             JERRY
               Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I 
               don't ride it. It's just for
 
               show.

                             MELISSA,
               I should really clean those

               bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.

                             JERRY
               Please don't crouch.

                             MELISSA
               Ouch! Caught my skin.

                             JERRY
               Oh, that's bad. Especially that area.
 
               
                             MELISSA
               You got anything to snack on?

                             JERRY
               Uhh...

                             MELISSA,
               Oh, pickles!

               Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.

                             JERRY
               Look, please stop! Let me help you 
               with that!
 
                             MELISSA,
               Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a 
               welt.
 
               Look at that.

                             JERRY,
               I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've 
               seen too
 
               much.

               
                             ELAINE
               Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it 
               about me that you find so
 
               offensive?

                             PEGGY
               You seem to be with a lot of men.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What!? I happen to have a very steady 
               boyfriend. You know, I mean,
 
               we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy 
               here or... or
 
               there, but, wh-why is this your business?

                             PEGGY
               It's not. Good day.

               Elaine, (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her 
               butt,
 
               right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How 
               about some for
 
               your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? 
               That's good,
 
               isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, technically he did apologize.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, I felt like a straight man in 
               some horrible sketch. He was
 
               riffing! Riffing! On my pain!

                             JERRY
               So now you want an apology for the 
               apology, plus the original
 
               apology?

                             GEORGE
               That's right. I'm two in the hole!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I hit the wall yesterday with 
               Lady Godiva. She did a full body
 
               flex on a pickle jar.

                             GEORGE
               Did you explain to her about the good 
               naked and the bad naked?
 
                             JERRY
               Where am I gonna get a fat guy and 
               a cannonball?
 
                             GEORGE
               Well... what if you showed up bad naked, 
               huh? You still got that
 
               belt sander?

                             JERRY
               Yeah.

                             GEORGE,
               Well, you on all fours, that thing
 
               
               vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!
 
               
                             JERRY,
               Hello?

                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling 
               from!
 
                             JERRY
               World War I plane?

                             KRAMER
               No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, 
               I'm trying to get out of the
 
               shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where 
               I want to
 
               be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, 
               and now I
 
               ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.

                             JERRY
               When are ya gettin' out?

                             KRAMER
               I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, please.

                             PETERMAN
               She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering 
               from intense malaise.
 
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. 
               Right?
 
                             PETERMAN
               I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's 
               in bed.
 
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, let me tell you something: this 
               is all in her mind, OK? She is
 
               insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, 
               rubbed
 
               her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, 
               she's a
 
               wacko.

               
                             GEORGE,
               So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?
 
               
                             SPONSOR
               Sponsor.

                             GEORGE
               Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned 
               about this guy.
 
                             SPONSOR
               He's doing very well. He's already 
               on to Step Ten.
 
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well when you don't actually 
               do the steps, you can go through
 
               them pretty quick. You can get through six a day.

                             SPONSOR
               Is there some unresolved issue between 
               you and Jason?
 
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. A little thing called 
               Step Nine? Instead of an
 
               apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me.

                             SPONSOR
               I'm not sure what you want me to do.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, aren't you the boss of him? You 
               shouldn't let him move up!
 
               When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three 
               years 'cause
 
               I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.

                             SPONSOR
               You're quite upset, George.

                             GEORGE
               Well, I think you should drop him down 
               to Step Two.
 
                             SPONSOR
               Admit there's a higher power?

                             GEORGE
               Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.
 
               
                             SPONER
               You know George, I think I can help 
               you. We're having a meeting
 
               tomorrow. Why don't you just come by?

                             GEORGE
               All right. That's more like it. Thank 
               you very much.
 
                             GEORGE,
               By the way, my

               uncle was an alcoholic, so...

               
                             KRAMER,
               Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry
 
               
               likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's 
               naked. Calm
 
               down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a 
               clog, I'll call
 
               ya back.

               
                             MELISSA,
               What are you doing?

                             JERRY,
               I found a rough spot on the kitchen
 
               
               floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have 
               here.
 
                             MELISSA
               No, not that. Why are you naked?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought naked is good.

                             MELISSA,
               This isn't good naked.

               
                             SPONSOR,
               George, here, have a seat.

                             GEORGE,
               Where's Hanke?

                             SPONSOR,
               Shhhhh.

                             LEADER
               OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics 
               Anonymous.
 
                             GEORGE
               What? Rate-aholics?

                             SPONSOR
               George, this can help you.

                             GEORGE
               Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here 
               for revenge.
 
                             LEADER
               Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy 
               at these meetings.
 
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? 
               Am I?!
 
                             LEADER
               Please don't call me 'Pinhead'.

                             GEORGE
               I'm losin' it!

               
                             JERRY,
               He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Probably because this whole Universe 
               is against me!
 
                             JERRY
               You've got a little rage.

                             GEORGE
               I know. And now they want me to bottle 
               it up. It makes me so mad!
 
                             JERRY
               By the way, my bad naked demo didn't 
               quite work.
 
                             GEORGE
               This bread has nuts in it!

                             JERRY,
               Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with
 
               
               my body?

                             ELAINE
               Chicken wing shoulder blades.

                             JERRY
               That's it?

                             ELAINE
               No, but that's one problem. Why?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I was walking around naked in 
               front of Melissa the other day--
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... 
               that is not a good look for a
 
               man.

                             GEORGE
               Why not? It's a good look for a woman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, the female body is a... work 
               of art. The male body is
 
               utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.

                             JERRY
               So you don't think it's attractive?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's hideous. The hair, the... the 
               lumpiness. It's simian.
 
                             GEORGE
               Well, some women like it.

                             ELAINE
               Hmm. Sickies.

               
                             KRAMER,
               Installing your

               Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main 
               drainage lot.
 
               Oh, come on, Clarkman.

                             PUDDY,
               Puddy.

                             KRAMER
               Is, uh, David Puddy there?

                             PUDDY
               This is Puddy.

                             KRAMER
               Well, this is Kramer.

                             PUDDY
               I know.

                             KRAMER
               Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could 
               you help me install a garbage
 
               disposal?

                             PUDDY
               Well, it's a big job. You've got to 
               dismantle the latch hasp from the
 
               
               auxiliary drainage line.

                             KRAMER
               No. It says 'main line'.

                             PUDDY
               It's a misprint. What do you got, a 
               Clarkman?
 
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               through it.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Puddy.

                             PUDDY
               Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe 
               five bucks for a balloon
 
               bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when 
               you see him.
 
                             ELAINE
               Balloon bouquet? For who?

                             PUDDY
               Peggy took a turn for the worst.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still 
               blaming me?
 
                             PUDDY
               That's what he said.

                             ELAINE
               I don't believe this woman.

                             PUDDY
               Talk to me, Babe.

                             ELAINE
               She's this crazy woman who is convinced 
               that my germs make her sick.
 
                             PUDDY
               Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's 
               about.
 
                             ELAINE
               Huh?

                             ELAINE
               What is this symbol?

                             PUDDY
               It's a germ.

               
                             PEGGY
               Elaine, it was very nice of you to 
               bring the man you're currently
 
               sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have 
               any problem
 
               with germs.

                             PUDDY
               Don't you? Elaine.

               (Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy)

                             PUDDY
               I know it looks bleak. I've been there. 
               Ten years ago waking up in
 
               bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the 
               Phisohex.
 
                             PEGGY
               Really?

                             PUDDY
               I still have trouble looking at those 
               disgusting old bedroom slippers
 
               she slogs around in.

                             ELAINE
               Hey, I've had those since college. 
               They're bunnies.
 
                             PUDDY
               They're bacteria traps.

                             PEGGY
               So you... just learned to live with 
               it?
 
                             PUDDY
               For the most part.

                             ELAINE
               OK, we're broken up for the rest of 
               the day.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So I'm glad we had a talk and worked 
               this out. Don't you feel this is
 
               better?

                             MELISSA
               This is nice.

                             JERRY
               Yes, clothes. This is normal.

                             MELISSA
               Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I 
               was thinking that we could go
 
               down...

               (as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously 
               naked,
 
               and stops paying attention)

                             MELISSA
               Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to 
               me?
 
                             JERRY
               Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.

                             MELISSA
               I wanted to know what you're doing 
               tomorrow.
 
                             JERRY
               Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, 
               maybe a...
 
               (as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly,
 
               
               'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention)

               
                             KRAMER,
               So you broke up?

                             JERRY
               We couldn't carry on a conversation. 
               I kept trying to picture her
 
               naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.

                             KRAMER
               Hang on.

               (Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what are you up to?

                             KRAMER
               Oh, just cooking up a little thank 
               you for Puddy. Hey, how do you
 
               make those radish roses?

                             JERRY
               Insert a knife into the center and 
               twist. Then, to make it bloom,
 
               soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.

                             KRAMER
               No problem there.

               
                             HANKE,
               George. Thanks for coming down to talk
 
               
               to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't 
               very
 
               flexible. I just started yesterday.

                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm here. What is it?

                             HANKE
               Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, 
               uh, I've thought it over, and, you
 
               
               know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, 
               and you deserve
 
               much better.

                             HANKE
               You're welcome.

                             KID,
               Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint?
 
               
                             HANKE
               Waffle or sugar cone?

                             GEORGE
               Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't 
               want to get into a big thing
 
               here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said 
               was actually an
 
               apology.

                             HANKE
               What?

                             KID
               Can you get on that cone?

                             HANKE
               Would you hang on just a second, son? 
               George, what are you talking
 
               about?

                             GEORGE
               Well, it's just, all you said was 'your 
               welcome', which is nice.
 
               It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology.

                             KID
               Is there anybody else here but you?
 
               
                             HANKE
               I'm alone, and it's my second day. 
               You know, I don't even think we
 
               have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know, 
               I-I admitted I
 
               was wrong, so what more do you want from me?

                             GEORGE
               I would like an apology.

                             HANKE
               All right, look, you know--

                             KID #2,
               Did you try it?

                             KID
               No, this guy doesn't know what he's 
               doing.
 
                             HANKE
               Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting 
               with someone here, if
 
               you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.

                             GEORGE
               Baah! There it is! You just said it! 
               That's what I want! Now say it
 
               again, and tell it to me.

                             HANKE
               I'm not saying anything to you. I'm 
               not sorry. I was never sorry. It
 
               was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where 
               is it? Can't
 
               find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What 
               are you
 
               looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get 
               out!
 
               
                             ELAINE,
               Mmm. This food is

                             FANTASTIC, PEGGY
               And what a pretty radish rose, huh?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, thank you.

                             ELAINE
               Here's to Peggy, on her first week 
               of being germ-free, free.
 
               (all four make toast)

                             KRAMER
               Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for 
               helping me install a much needed
 
               and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.

               (all four make another toast)

                             PEGGY
               You have a garbage disposal in your 
               bathtub?
 
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. 
               Yeah, I made this whole meal in
 
               there.

                             ELAINE
               This food was in the shower with you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.
 
               
               (Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch)

                             PUDDY
               Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Thanks. What are you guys doin' here?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer.

                             GEORGE
               Right.

               Download Sound

               
                             HANKE,
               Hi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a

               rage-aholic.

                             AUDIENCE
               Hi, Jason.

                             HANKE
               Uh, this is my first meeting.

                             GEORGE
               Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! 
               He skips Step Nine!
 
                             HANKE
               Please. Step Nine.

                             GEORGE
               That's right! He never apologized to 
               me for saying that I would
 
               stretch out the neck hole of his sweater.

               (audience laughs)

                             GEORGE
               It wasn't funny.

                             HANKE
               It was a very nice sweater. Take a 
               look at his neck, not to mention
 
               the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him 
               with a v-neck.
 
                             GEORGE
               He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm 
               losin' it!
 
                

                             THE END


The Apology



Writers :   Jennifer Crittenden
Genres :   Comedy


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