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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE BABY SHOWER



                             Written by

                            Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               Men flip around the television more 
               than women, I think. Men get that remote 
               control in their hands, they don't even 
               know what the hell they're watching.
 
               
               
               You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. 
               " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." 
               "Who was that?" "I don't know what it
 
               
               was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, 
               I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will 
               stop and go, "Well, let me see what the
 
               
               show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. 
               Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we 
               watch TV differently. Before
 
               
               there was flipping around, before there was television, kings 
               and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would 
               tell them stories 'cause that was their
 
               
               entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, 
               like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip 
               around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story,
 
               
               what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to 
               the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in 
               that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next
 
               
               guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut 
               up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want 
               to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of
 
               
               here. I'm going to bed."

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is 
               pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's the performance artist, right?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. 
               She's a real performer. A real trooper.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's her husband's name, again? Chip? 
               Kip? Skip?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Todd.

               
                             JERRY
               Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, he's not.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               By marriage.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went 
               to their wedding. You should have heard 
               him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying 
               to blame the whole thing on
 
               
               bad directions.

               
                             GEORGE
               That woman was unequivocally the worst 
               date of my life.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, pardon me for trying to set you 
               up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What, you don't think I can attract 
               beautiful, intelligent women?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thin ice, George. Thin ice..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance 
               piece she'll give birth on stage.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               She stopped performing.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow 
               to the culture.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Gesturing to George) You believe this 
               guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She dragged me down to that warehouse 
               on the waterfront in Brooklin to see 
               one of her "performances".
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for 
               some celebrity?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's 
               yelling and screaming, and the next 
               thing I know, she throws a big can of 
               chocolate syrup all over my new red
 
               
               
               shirt.

               
                             ELAINE
               It was an accident!

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She 
               was aiming right at me like she was 
               putting out a fire! Then, for the rest 
               of the show, I'm sitting there with 
               chocolate all
 
               
               over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing 
               all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, 
               backstage when I talk to her, I'm a
 
               
               groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw 
               any other foods?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To Elaine) he thought he still had 
               a shot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And then, then, then she leaves with 
               somebody else! Never even, never even 
               said goodbye! Never called me back.. 
               Never apologized. Nothing. Like I
 
               
               
               was dirt.

               
                             JERRY
               What ever happened with the shirt?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I still have it. The collar's okay. 
               I wear it under sweaters.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know what I'm gonna do. She 
               asked me to give her a baby shower.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Asked you? You're not going to do that 
               are you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I 
               have a problem saying no to. For some 
               reason, I seem to want her approval.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ask not what I can do for you - ask 
               what you can do for me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? 
               Why does everybody make such a big deal 
               about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! 
               Who cares?! It's
 
               
               all so boring..

               
                             GEORGE
               She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She 
               deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves 
               Rosemary's baby!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little 
               problem, though.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Never said goodbye. Never apologized. 
               Nothing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               See, I was gonna give the shower in 
               my apartment..
 
               
                             JERRY
               But?

               
                             ELAINE
               My roommate has Lyme disease.

               
                             JERRY
               Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr 
               Syndrome?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. 
               It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist 
               of Lyme disease.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How did she get Lyme disease?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. She did some outdoor version 
               of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They still do that play?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's a classic.

               
                             JERRY
               With all the nudity?

               
                             ELAINE
               I guess. She must've rolled over on 
               a tick during the love-in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. 
               Goodbye!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Explain to me how this baby shower thing 
               works.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you wanna know?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into 
               a drunken orgy of violence?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Rarely.

               
                             JERRY
               There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, 
               is there?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               When is this suppose to be?

               
                             ELAINE
               Saturday.

               
                             JERRY
               Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo 
               on Saturday. They're not gonna bust 
               up my apartment, or anything, are they?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'll take full responsibility. You won't 
               regret it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               'Cause I've seen these pregnant women 
               - and they sometimes misjudge their 
               fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, 
               and boom! And entire buffet is swept 
               off
 
               
               the table.

               
                             GEORGE
               Someday, before I die, mark my words 
               - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly 
               what I think of her. I'll never be able 
               to forgive myself until I do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And if you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I still won't be able to forgive myself 
               - but at least it won't be about this.
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the 
               dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What are you doing this for? Look at 
               you..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               But you don't have to do this! This 
               guy is waiting in my house.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) Leave me alone.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty 
               bucks. Why live like this?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not getting illegal cable!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna 
               wait for the cable companies to resolve 
               their dispute? They're gonna be in court 
               for years.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I read in the paper..

               
                             KRAMER
               (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..

               
                             JERRY
               Well, they might hook us up again.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable 
               companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." 
               (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! 
               You're banging things..
 
               
               Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six 
               channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do 
               you know what you're saying?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What you're suggesting is illegal.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's not illegal.

               
                             JERRY
               It's against the law.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, 
               just, hold this. Can you hold that?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will 
               you at least let me bring the guy over? 
               He's an amazing man. He's a Russian 
               immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's
 
               
               
               like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. 
               He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A real human rights nut, huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. He's intense, man.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. What if I get caught?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, 
               let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, 
               it's Hammer time! Come on, just let 
               me get him.
 
               
               (Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He 
               then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and 
               his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles,
 
               
               shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks 
               confused)
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, why don't we wait? Because, 
               I'm going out of town tomarrow.
 
               
                             TABACHNICK
               Tomarrow okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole 
               thing installed by the time you get 
               back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn 
               on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. 
               They're gonna track me down like a dog, 
               I know it..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, 
               it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have 
               seventy-five games on cable this year..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer 
               just said) Put it in.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters 
               some more, Kramer rubs his hands together 
               in anticipation, then starts dancing 
               around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's
 
               
               
               gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting 
               for him)
 
               
                             MAN
               Mr. Steinfeld?

               
                             JERRY
               Seinfeld.

               
                             MAN
               We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us 
               about your cable hook-up?
 
               
                             JERRY
               My cable hook-up? What about it?

               
                             MAN
               It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It has? I've been out of town. How did 
               you know?
 
               
               (An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. 
               I had no choice. They were onto the 
               scam from the very beginning.
 
               
                             MAN
               You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! 
               We're just patsies. We're just a couple 
               of users.. We never sold the stuff. 
               What about the Russian guy? The Russian
 
               
               
               guy is the guy you want.

               
               (Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other 
               FBI men, and speaks without an accent now)
 
               
                             TABACHNICK
               Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.
 
               
               
               (Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for 
               the door)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. 
               Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of 
               bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen 
               Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his
 
               
               
               hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little 
               cable boy?..
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Airplane)

               
               (Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess 
               approaches)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?
 
               
               
                             STEWARDESS
               I'm afraid not.

               
                             JERRY
               What's with this airline? What are you, 
               cutting out the drinks now?
 
               
                             STEWARDESS
               No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. 
               Please fasten your seat belt. We're 
               making an emergency landing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the 
               instructions again?
 
               
               (The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)

               
                             BILL
               My name is Bill. I might be the last 
               person you ever see.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not afraid of flying, although many 
               people do have fear of flying and, I 
               have no arguement with that. I think 
               fear of flying is quite rational because, 
               human
 
               
               beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have 
               fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This 
               isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I
 
               
               don't belong here."

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (George's car)

               
               (George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater 
               with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Sounds like a rough trip.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along 
               the runway. And then, when we landed 
               safely, they all seemed so disappointed.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, the college cancelled the gig?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, there was so much snow. The roads 
               were closed. I really appreciate it 
               - you picking me up. Thanks again.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Modestly) Forget it.

               
                             JERRY
               No, really.. an airport run.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could 
               you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest 
               it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. 
               Jerry doesn't suspect anything -
 
               
               yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it 
               makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes 
               did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. 
               He's always got some ulterior motive.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't 
               take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't 
               go back to my place, Elaine's having 
               the shower.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Obviously knows that, but pretends 
               he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, 
               it's no big deal. We'll just go back 
               to your place.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. 
               I don't wanna go back to my place.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You want to get a bite?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, 
               I just ate a whole pot roast.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, so what should we do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Shouldn't we at least drop off your 
               bag?
 
               
               (Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, 
               then reaches over and pulls the sweater down)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red 
               shirt!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Nervous) What are you talking about?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I am? What a strange coincidence..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you 
               gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Pleading) You gotta let me go over 
               there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant 
               woman at her own baby shower?! What 
               are you, gonna take it off and make 
               her rinse it in club soda?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose 
               so she can smell the scent of stale 
               Bosco that I had to live with for three 
               years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember 
               this
 
               
               shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)

               
                             LESLIE
               We just bought an apartment on Riverside 
               Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to 
               live there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, where's Todd?

               
                             LESLIE
               Up in Hyannisport.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? 
               Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?
 
               
               
                             LESLIE
               March twentieth, nine a.m.

               
                             WOMAN
               You know the time!

               
                             LESLIE
               I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist 
               told me if I go through labor, I might 
               get psychotic.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to 
               Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? 
               You don't hear much about him these 
               days. Is he out of the loop?
 
               
                             LESLIE
               (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered 
               this, Sears?
 
               
               (Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his 
               assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. 
               The woman freeze at the sight,
 
               
               then disperse nervously)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! 
               What are you doing here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               We're putting in cable.

               
                             ELAINE
               The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a 
               party here. You can't do this now!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, we have to do this now.

               
               (Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)

               
                             ELAINE
               Who's this guy?

               
                             KRAMER
               Which one?

               
                             ELAINE
               Both of the them.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You can't! You can't do this now!

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, do you know how booked up this 
               guy is? Now, if I send him away now, 
               it's gonna take Jerry months to get 
               him back.. He won't like that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright. Just do it fast and then get 
               out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians 
               get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, 
               it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, 
               you and the gals can take a
 
               
               load off and watch something on Lifetime.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (George's car)

               
                             JERRY
               And what if we go up there? What are 
               you going to say to her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Boiling) What am I going to say?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               What did you go out with me for?! Just 
               to dump chocolate on my shirt and then 
               just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve 
               that kind of treatment! What,
 
               
               you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! 
               You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and 
               ignored?! Who's shirt can be
 
               
               ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist 
               who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like 
               I have some sort of disease?! You have
 
               
               the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich 
               and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You 
               disgust me! You and everyone like
 
               
               you!

               
                             JERRY
               You'll never say that to her face.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Watch me.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, 
               I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, 
               seeds, everything.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at 
               him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! 
               He's eating all the food!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are 
               many differences between American and 
               Soviet cultures that you're not aware 
               of. See, in Russian, the cable guy,
 
               
               
               they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. 
               (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?
 
               
               
               (Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start 
               fighting)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. 
               Excuse me..
 
               
               (Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick 
               walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick 
               bangs on the door, and
 
               
               shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets 
               into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. 
               Elaine runs up to greet them)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing here? I thought you 
               were out of town for the weekend.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The show was cancelled. There was a 
               blizzard.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe you told Kramer it's 
               okay to put the cable in during the 
               shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've 
               eaten everything.
 
               
               (Leslie approaches them)

               
                             LESLIE
               Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you 
               sere out of town.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less 
               travelled is less travelled for a reason.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Speaking confidentially to George) 
               George, don't even think about it! Don't 
               even dream about it!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Unconvincingly coy) About what?

               
                             TABACHNICK
               (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, 
               Kramer, Kramer..
 
               
               (Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as 
               Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready 
               for Leslie - he takes off his sweater,
 
               
               revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)

               
                             GEORGE
               Leslie.

               
                             LESLIE
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize 
               him) George Costanza.
 
               
                             LESLIE
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember 
               me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went 
               out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. 
               remember?
 
               
                             LESLIE
               Vaguely.

               
                             GEORGE
               You took me to one of your shows..
 
               
               
                             LESLIE
               And?

               
                             GEORGE
               And, um, it was quite good. In fact, 
               you even incorporated me into the show. 
               I'm not actually a performer. Although, 
               my parents felt I had talent..
 
               
               (Scene cuts to Jerry)

               
                             MARY
               Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches 
               him. Jerry looks confused) Remember 
               me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, I..

               
                             MARY
               (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring 
               a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three 
               years ago. You took me to one of your 
               shows.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..
 
               
               
                             MARY
               Told me you had a great time! Said you'd 
               call me the next day.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably 
               just lost your..
 
               
                             MARY
               Liar! Liar! You were never going to 
               call me! You thought you could waltz 
               throught the rest of your life and never 
               bump into me again! But you were wrong,
 
               
               
               Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, 
               pathetic wretch?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't think that..

               
                             MARRY
               Some person who could be dismissed and 
               ignored?! Some insignificant piece of 
               dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve 
               your respect and your
 
               
               attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and 
               my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!
 
               
               (She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms 
               out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Actually, I never had any formal training. 
               I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, 
               or something..
 
               
               (Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate 
               cake is now all over George's shirt)
 
               
                             LESLIE
               Thanks a lot!

               
               (Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a 
               few women who are rushing out the door)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry you have to go.

               
                             WOMAN
               Yeah. I really have to be going.

               
               (Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, listen, I've changed my mind 
               about this whole thing. I don't want 
               cable.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't be a fool.

               
                             TABACHNICK
               You don't want?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't want. So, just tell me what 
               I owe you for your trouble..
 
               
                             TABACHNICK
               (Confers with his assistant, then) Four 
               hundred dollars.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You 
               told me one-fifty!
 
               
               (Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and 
               is ready to leave)
 
               
                             LESLIE
               I'm going.. obviously.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything 
               that went on here tonight. You know, 
               I had no idea..
 
               
                             LESLIE
               Elaine, you know, I was watching you 
               tonight, and I realized something. You're 
               just like you were in college.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) 
               Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then 
               Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you 
               were in college"?
 
               
                             LESLIE
               (Comes back, and yells in the direction 
               of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!
 
               
               
               (George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts 
               - embarrassed)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right 
               back. (Leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred 
               dollars! I don't even want the thing. 
               What are you going to do?!
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped 
               on chairs)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Every woman on the face of the earth 
               has complete control of my life. And 
               yet, I want them all.. is that irony?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw 
               John Junior once downtown. I was on 
               a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't 
               stop.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I said I had a good time and 
               I'd call, but who takes that literally?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) 
               Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on 
               cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! 
               (Leaves)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               What do you do at the end of a date 
               when you know you don't want to see 
               this person ever again, for the rest 
               of your life? What do you say? What 
               do you
 
               
               say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. 
               See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you 
               around that area. You'll be around other
 
               
               people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take 
               care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. 
               Take care, now. Because, I'm
 
               
               not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, 
               now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" 
               Isn't that what you really want to say?
 
               
               "Take off now."

               
               
               
               
                                  THE END





The Baby Shower



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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