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ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE BEARD



                             Written by

                            Carol Leifer




 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? 
               You're no good with the sticks.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know. I need a lesson.

               
                             JERRY
               You stink. You know you stink. What 
               is this?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. My ballet tickets.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. Your ballet tickets.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, I'm going as a beard.

               
                             JERRY
               A beard?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. This friend of a friend knows 
               this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 
               30 years, unbelievably
 
               
               gorgeous, of course he's gay.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               So anyway his boss has a box at the 
               Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, 
               which is fine, but he's
 
               
               afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going 
               along as his date.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why are you doing this?

               
                             ELAINE
               Swan Lake, at the Met.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks 
               in that thing?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I think he looks fantastic.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I never realized what an attractive 
               man he is.
 
               
               George enters, wearing a toupee.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, people, people, people, people, 
               people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You look ridiculous in that thing.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Is that so? Or could it be that you're 
               just a *little* bit worried that you 
               may have missed the boat?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I think they might have sutured 
               that thing to your brain.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, 
               deride, deride if you must. But let 
               me tell you something, with
 
               
               my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? 
               I am in the game. I no longer defer to the
 
               
               coifed. I'm a player.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know I just thought of something. 
               I know this gorgeous woman, she called 
               me up this
 
               
               morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know 
               of anyone she could meet. Now you can
 
               
               go out with her.

               
                             JERRY
               Well what about me?

               
                             KRAMER
               No I think he's got you beat buddy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So she's gorgeous.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, 
               five years ago.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well have you got a picture?

               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I have to see her.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I know what we can do. I've got 
               a friend who works over at the police 
               station. He's a
 
               
               composite artist.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw 
               a picture of her for you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I would love that. You think he'd 
               really do it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. I think he will.

               
                             JERRY
               It sounds like an excellent idea.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm 
               going to give it to a homeless person.
 
               
               
               Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I'm very excited about this. I've 
               always wanted to see how those sketch 
               artists do it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Here you go brother. Some food for you.
 
               
               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               Thank you. You're a good man. Bless 
               you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now are you going to be here in an hour?
 
               
               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               Where am I going?

               
               (commercial)

               
               At the police station.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh that's good, that's good. Make the 
               eyes, uh, what's that nut?
 
               
                             LOU
               Almond?

               
                             KRAMER
               Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. 
               Poutier.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Pouty? I like that.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't go wrong with pouty.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm excited about the pouty.

               
                             LOU
               All right I think that about does it.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right George, come on, take a look.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?
 
               
               
                             LOU
               Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. 
               You want to meet her?
 
               
               Walking down the street.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well this worked out okay. So are you 
               going to see the police woman?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea 
               of having the law on my side.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, man. Enjoy the food?

               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn 
               to cook like that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware 
               now.
 
               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Woah, woah, that's mine.

               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               You gave it to me.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, I didn't say you could keep 
               it. You see I don't give away tupperware.
 
               
               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               You should have said something.

               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't think I had to. Look with a 
               piece of Tupperware you just assume.
 
               
               
               At the ballet.

               
                             ROBERT
               I've really got to thank you for this.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well by now, you think people would 
               be a little more open minded.
 
               
                             ROBERT
               Really. Would you excuse me? I have 
               to run to the bathroom.
 
               
                             BOSS' WIFE
               So, um, you and Robert.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes indeed.

               
                             BOSS
               I'm surprised.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really. Why?

               
                             BOSS
               No reason.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. 
               Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* 
               *man*, if
 
               
               you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of 
               ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his
 
               
               sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here 
               tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in
 
               
               watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's 
               those two halves of his personality that just
 
               
               come together to make him the very special guy that he is.

               
               Robert comes back.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi honey.

               
               Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him.

               
               At Monk's.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh it was such a great night.

               
                             JERRY
               And did they suspect anything?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I was a fantastic beard. I held 
               hands, I called him honey.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And we discover yet another talent. 
               Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh it was such a great night. Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               You said that already.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh I did?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He's incredible.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I know.

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well it did occur to me.

               
                             JERRY
               You think you can get him to just change 
               teams? He's not going to suddenly switch 
               sides. Forget
 
               
               about it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why? Is it irrevocable?

               
                             JERRY
               Because when you join that team it's 
               not a whim. He likes his team. He's 
               set with that team.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We've got a good team.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why can't he play for us?

               
                             JERRY
               They're only comfortable with *their* 
               equipment.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We just got along *so* great.

               
                             JERRY
               Of course you did. Everyone gets along 
               great when there's no possibility of 
               sex.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no, I sensed something. I did 
               sense something. I perceived a possibility 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You realize you're venturing into uncharted 
               waters.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I realize that.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you that desperate?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes I am.

               
               At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               So are you going to bring your gun?... 
               All right, then it's settled. First 
               date, no weapons... All right
 
               
               I'll see you then... Okay, bye.

               
               Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you looking for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Tupperware.

               
                             JERRY
               Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I knew this was going to happen. I just 
               made a delicious casserole, but now 
               it won't keep because
 
               
               I have no Tupperware.

               
                             JERRY
               What about a plastic bag?

               
                             KRAMER
               You must be kidding.

               
                             JERRY
               What is the difference?

               
                             KRAMER
               The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in 
               freshness.
 
               
               George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               So I spoke a little to your little friend 
               Denise last night.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, you talked to her.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about 
               you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah well we go way back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why didn't anything happen between you 
               two?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Who's to say it didn't?

               
                             JERRY
               So did you describe yourself to her 
               over the phone?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes I did.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you say to her?

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you think I said?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               I told her the truth.

               
                             JERRY
               As you see it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, as I see it.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you tell her about, uh, your little 
               hat there?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What hat?

               
                             JERRY
               You know, you're little hair hat there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't you think she could tell?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect 
               match. Beautiful job.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's 
               nest two blocks away.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You only think that because you know 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Have you noticed people staring at your 
               head?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I noticed people staring at my head 
               because they like what they see.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well I think you should either take 
               it off or tell her about it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No he's not going to take it off. If 
               he was going to go over there bald, 
               I never would have
 
               
               introduced him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look, I guarantee she won't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going 
               to go down to the precinct. I'm going 
               to have lunch with Lou.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'll split a cab with you.

               
               Walking down the street.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey I'm really sorry about the other 
               day. Really sorry.
 
               
               Kramer drops something into the man's cup.

               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               Hey that's my coffee!

               
               At the police station

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Sarge.

               
                             TIERNEY
               Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our 
               lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of 
               you guys want to be in
 
               
               the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?

               
                             KRAMER
               Sure. I will.

               
                             TIERNEY
               Perfect. Just go over there with officer 
               Lampert.
 
               
               In the lineup room.

               
               6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.

               
                             OVER THE SPEAKER
               All of you, turn to the left.

               
               Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right.

               
                             OVER THE SPEAKER
               The left.

               
               Kramer turns left.

               
                             OVER THE SPEAKER
               Now turn to the right.

               
               Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance.

               
               At Monk's.

               
                             GEORGE
               (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there 
               she is. That's the face, just like the 
               picture.
 
               
                             DENISE
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.

               
                             DENISE
               Likewise. Have you been waiting long?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. I just got here. A few minutes 
               ago.
 
               
                             DENISE
               Good, good.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well why don't you take off your hat 
               and stay awhile.
 
               
               Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is 
               still on George. His expression changes to surprise.
 
               
               At the police station.

               
                             JERRY
               What's that?

               
                             TIERNEY
               A polygraph. It's what you civilians 
               call a lie detector test.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is 
               lying, is it true that their pants are 
               actually on fire?
 
               
                             TIERNEY
               If I could tell you the famous faces 
               that have been up here. A certain cast 
               member of Melrose
 
               
               Place.

               
                             JERRY
               Really.

               
                             TIERNEY
               Have you ever seen the show?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             TIERNEY
               You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I admit it. I don't watch it.

               
                             TIERNEY
               Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on 
               the poly.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The poly?

               
                             TIERNEY
               Yeah. I think you've seen it.

               
               At Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               Melrose Place?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. Melrose Place.

               
                             ELAINE
               I just didn't know you watched that.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well I do.

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean every time I mention it you never 
               say anything or join in the conversation.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You mean this whole time we could have 
               been discussing Sydney and Michael and 
               Jane...
 
               
                             JERRY
               And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes 
               we could have discussed it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

               
                             JERRY
               The point is I'm going to be taking 
               this lie detector test and that needle's 
               going to be going wild.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just 
               confess?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's too stupid to confess. Look at 
               what I'm confessing to.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what are you going to do?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey you know what? I have access to 
               one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, 
               deceptive minds of our
 
               
               time. Who better to advise me?

               
               Elaine takes a drink of something.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh god this tastes terrible.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you shake it up?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               You gotta shake it up.

               
                             ELAINE
               No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got 
               to shake everything.
 
               
               Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is 
               killing me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, I'm going out tonight with Robert 
               and the boss and his wife.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So tonight are you going to make the 
               move?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I think I might.

               
               George enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey there he is. So what happened? Could 
               she detect it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's an interesting question.

               
                             JERRY
               How so?

               
                             GEORGE
               How so? I'll tell you how so. She's 
               bald!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean bald?

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you think I mean bald? Bald. 
               Bald bald.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's bald?

               
                             GEORGE
               She's bald.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh come on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh come on? No come on. She took off 
               her hat and there she was (waving his 
               hand over his
 
               
               head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well maybe she got a haircut or something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me tell you something. No one walks 
               into a beauty parlor and says "Give 
               me the Larry Fine."
 
               
                             JERRY
               Women go bald?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they 
               usually wear a wig.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               You fixed me up with a bald woman.
 
               
               
               Kramer flinches.

               
                             KRAMER
               Bald?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting 
               somebody because they're bald.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're 
               bald!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No I'm not. I *was* bald.

               
               Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine.

               
               Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens 
               the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the
 
               
               toupee and runs to the window.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               (shouting) I don't like this thing. 
               And here's what I'm doing with it.
 
               
               
               She tosses the toupee out the window.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nooooo.

               
               He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.
 
               
               
               Outside.

               
               The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee. 
               He puts it on.
 
               
               At Elaine's apartment.

               
                             ROBERT
               Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with 
               me?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I figured that's what couples do.
 
               
               
                             ROBERT
               You almost convinced me we were a couple.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well it was easy. Really.

               
                             ROBERT
               Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like 
               to come, upstairs?
 
               
                             ROBERT
               Upstairs?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Upstairs?

               
                             ROBERT
               Elaine...

               
                             ELAINE
               I was hoping you know, that you might 
               be interested in... changing teams?
 
               
               
                             ROBERT
               Changing teams?

               
                             ELAINE
               Have you ever thought about it?

               
                             ROBERT
               But I'm a starting shortstop.

               
                             ELAINE
               Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.
 
               
               
               At Monk's.

               
                             GEORGE
               I tell you, when she threw that toupee 
               out the window, it was the best thing 
               that ever happened to
 
               
               me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely 
               insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a
 
               
               pleasure.

               
                             JERRY
               Good to have you back.

               
                             GEORGE
               And you know what else I've decided 
               to do? I'm going to keep seeing the 
               bald woman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's as good as anybody else.

               
                             GEORGE
               Her scalp was clean. She had a nice 
               skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair 
               on it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. 
               You're like a bald-again.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Going to need a little more coffee here.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on, you've got the gift. You're 
               the only one that can help me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to 
               Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right, well I've got to go take 
               this test. I can't believe I'm doing 
               this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... 
               if you believe it.
 
               
               Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, I did it.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I turned him. He defected.

               
                             JERRY
               Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did 
               you do that?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her 
               hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-
 
               
               
               boom.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, do you know what you've done? 
               You've give hope to every woman who's 
               ever said "Too
 
               
               bad he's gay".

               
                             ELAINE
               Well it's a lesson for the kids out 
               there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, 
               I have *hit* the jackpot.
 
               
               The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.

               
               At the police station.

               
               Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk 
               into the room. They stand there for a few
 
               
               moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. 
               He then tilts his head a few times to the man
 
               
               on his left.

               
               Elsewhere at the police station.

               
               Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph.

               
                             LOU
               What's your name?

               
                             JERRY
               Jerry Seinfeld.

               
                             LOU
               What is your address?

               
                             JERRY
               129 West 81st street.

               
                             LOU
               Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
               Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on 
               the paper.
 
               
                             LOU
               Did Billy sleep with Allison's best 
               friend?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
               Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on 
               the paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney
 
               
               look at each other.

               
                             LOU
               Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and 
               take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did 
               she enjoy it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             LOU
               Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. 
               He left her for Kimberly, he slept with 
               her sister. He tricked
 
               
               her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead 
               and sleeps with him again. I mean she's
 
               
               crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she 
               makes me so mad.
 
               
               He picks up his coat and leaves.

               
               At Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               He went back? What do you mean he went 
               back?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He went back.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand it. You were having 
               such a great time, the sex, the shopping.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well here's the thing. Being a woman, 
               I only really have access to the, uh... 
               equipment, what,
 
               
               thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. 
               How can I be expected to have the same
 
               
               expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access 
               to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire
 
               
               lives.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't. That's why they lose very 
               few players.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I guess I never really stood a 
               chance.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well there's always a place for you, 
               on our team.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose 
               Place on?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
               George enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. 
               I really do admire what you've done.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's 
               proud of me Jerry.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald 
               woman rejected me. Heh, you like that 
               one? A woman
 
               
               with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. 
               Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I'll tell you what I think. I think 
               she saw you with that piece off and 
               was devastated. You
 
               
               blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. 
               Didn't you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't ruin anything. He looked like 
               an idiot. He did, and it made him act 
               like a jerk.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose 
               Place is coming on.
 
               
               Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just 
               so smug.
 
               
               (commercial)

               
               At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. 
               You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. 
               You'd better
 
               
               straighten up and fly right buddy boy.

               
                             MAN
               I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry 
               store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize 
               anybody in the
 
               
               lineup?

               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               That's the guy officer. The guy there 
               in the middle. The tall guy with the, 
               with the high
 
               
               hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.

               
                             MAN
               Hey you, you with the high hair, step 
               forward.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Me?

               
               
                            THE END



The Beard



Writers :   Carol Leifer
Genres :   Comedy


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