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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE BIG SALAD



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               It's fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're               
               manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them. 
               I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe 
               two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator 
               there's a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all 
               the pens?
 
               That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. You got 
               a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it's so 
               humiliating. 

               I don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week! I know; 
               where are they?
 
               
               (Stationery store)

               
                             STATIONER
               May I help you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 
               1000 mechanical pencil.
 
               
                             STATIONER
               Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm sure you do.

               
                             STATIONER
               They're pretty expensive.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's for my boss.

               
                             STATIONER
               What do you do?

               
                             STATIONER
               Well, we don't have any in stock right 
               now but I would be happy to order it 
               for you. Just give me your phone number 
               and when it comes in I'll give you a 
               call. You're name is?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Elaine.

               
                             STATIONER
               Elaine, . . . and your last name?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha
 
               
               
                             STATIONER
               And your number?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, aw, KL5-239O.

               
                             STATIONER
               Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing 
               from me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, (to Jerry)  Move  along. . .
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why did you give him MY number?

               
               (On the street)

               
                             ELAINE
               I think he's got ideas.

               
                             JERRY
               I wonder if any woman ever said that 
               about Einstein?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?
 
               
               
               (On the street)

               
                             ELAINE
               Just call me when the new pen comes 
               in, okay?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to 
               a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey hey

               
                             JULIE
               Hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Julie.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, Julie.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             JULIE
               Hi.

               
                             JULIE
               Oh, hi.  Elaine's my middle name.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, mine's "Ike".

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, wanna get some lunch?

               
                             JERRY
               Just had a big bowl of Kix.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, well, that's very mature. What about 
               you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, no.

               
                             JULIE
               Please come, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no. How about if you bring me back 
               something?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Sure, all right, what do you want?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What big salad? I'm going to the coffee 
               shop.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               They have big salads.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've never seen a big salad.

               
                             ELAINE
               They have a big salad.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's okay, you don't...

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the 
               BIG salad?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like 
               volleyballs.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (???), we'll see you in a little while.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's)

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe I should just get married.

               
                             JERRY
               Dating is really starting to get embarrassing 
               isn't it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know. You know, whenever I'm on a 
               date I feel people can tell.
 
               
                             JERRY
               People on dates shouldn't even be allowed 
               out in public.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You can say that again.

               
                             JERRY
               It's embarrassing for them. It's painful 
               for us to watch. I'm going out with 
               someone later, I'm not even taking her 
               out of the house.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Good for you.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't need a bunch of people staring 
               at us.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Right on baby. (???)

               
               (noise from hall)

               
                             JERRY
               What was that?

               
               (Kramer enters with his golf clubs)

               
                             KRAMER
               That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never 
               playing golf with him again.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who Gendason?

               
                             KRAMER
               Steve Gendason.

               
                             .ELAINE
               Why is that name familiar?

                             HX
               He used to be a baseball player.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, how did you end up playing golf 
               with him?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I met him on the course a couple 
               of years ago. Yeah. Played with him 
               a lot. But today was it! We're on the 
               fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me 
               by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about 
               to hit his second shot, when, he picks 
               up the ball and CLEANS it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state 
               that you cannot clean the ball unless 
               it's on the green. The rules are very 
               clear about that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Certainly are.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.

               
               Jx; Ah, so what happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. 
               We were face to face like a manager 
               and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka 
               ba ya ka ba . . .
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. You're in MY face.

               
                             ELAINE
               I still don't see what the big deal 
               is.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               A rule is a rule. And let's face it. 
               Without rules there's chaos.
 
               
               (Monks)

               
                             JULIE
               I like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire. 
               Don't you like Sapphire?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, Sapphire. Uh ha

               
                             JULIE
               Although at times can be rather pedantic.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.
 
               
               
                             JULIE
               And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily 
               News.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. 
               The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons 
               is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find 
               fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, 
               Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a 
               fun name to pronounce. Try and say it 
               Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check 
               arrives) All right. I
 
               
               got it.

               
                             JULIE
               No, no. I'd like to take you out.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You 
               know, what difference does it make who 
               pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.
 
               
               
                             JULIE
               Okay, thanks, George.

               
                             WX
               Here's your big salad to go.

               
                             JULIE
               Oh, thank you.

               
               (Jerry's)

               
                             JERRY
               (on phone) Hello. No she's not here. 
               Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. 
               Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store 
               guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I told ya'. He has ideas.

               
                             JERRY
               He doesn't even care if a man answers.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Or you.

               
               (George and Julie enter)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JULIE
               Sorry e're late.

               
                             ELAINE
               No problem.

               
                             JULIE
               Here's your big salad.

               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you, Julie.

               
                             JULIE
               Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess 
               I better get going. Gotta meet mother 
               a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want 
               to go?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much 
               of a Guggenheim.
 
               
                             JULIE
               Sure, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya, you go.

               
                             JULIE
               Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Bye bye

               
               (Julie exits)

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you see what just happened?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that all depends. . .

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you happen to notice that Julie 
               handed the big salad to Elaine?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. 
               I bought the big salad.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is that a fact?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes it is. She just took credit for 
               my salad. That's not right.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No it isn't.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean I'm the one who bought it.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes you did.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think she should have said something?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She could have.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I know.

               
                             JERRY
               Imagine, her taking credit for your 
               big salad.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know you buy a big salad for somebody 
               it would be nice if they knew it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Obviously.

               
               (Kramer rushes in)

               
                             KRAMER
               Turn on the TV.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm puttin it on...

               
                             TV
               . . . the district attorney's office 
               and the police department have not answered 
               any questions as yet. To repeat in case 
               you're just joining us. Former baseball 
               start Steve Genderson, has been taken 
               to Police headquarters for questioning 
               the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner 
               of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam 
               Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson 
               had been involved in a dispute with 
               the cleaner about a stain on a pair 
               of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also 
               have a report that earlier in the day 
               a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf 
               Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving 
               the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there 
               is a possible connection between the 
               two is something we'll just have to 
               wait.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry . . .

                             JERRY
               Well, it has nothing to do with you.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the 
               penalty stroke that he murdered the 
               dry cleaner.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, generally speaking you don't need 
               any extra incentive to murder a dry 
               cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.
 
               
               
               (In a cab)

               
                             ELAINE
               I like Julie. She's very personable.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, she's very lovely.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's great George.

               
                             GEORGE
               So did you enjoy your lunch?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually 
               it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               oh, . . .because she handed you the 
               bag. I could have handed you the bag. 
               She happened to pick it up at the restaurant 
               even though, . . .
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Even though what?

               
                             GEORGE
               . . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, 
               and and oh, . . . what's the difference?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? What are you trying to say, George?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's just that I was the one who actually 
               paid for the big salad. She just happened 
               to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You want the money for the big salad, 
               George?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no,

               
                             ELAINE
               What is the problem?

               
                             GEORGE
               There is no problem. . . just a small 
               miscommunication. Whereby you thanked 
               her instead of the person actually responsible 
               for purchasing the big salad.
 
               
               (Jerry's)

               
                             JERRY
               And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may 
               have driven him to it.
 
               
                             MARGARET
               Well, they haven't even arrested him 
               yet. Come on, let's go out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, no , I don't think so.

               
                             MARGARET
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               We don't need a bunch of people staring 
               at us.
 
               
                             MARGARET
               Who is staring?

                             JERRY
               Oh, they're staring. They know we're 
               on a date. They're making fun. Come 
               on. It's embarrassing.
 
               
               (Phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will 
               tell her. No I don't know what time 
               she might be coming back. Look I gotta' 
               go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long 
               story.
 
               
               (Newman enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello Newman.

               
                             MARGARET
               Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you 
               knew where Kramer was.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no I don't. Why?

               
                             MARGARET
               You know, Genderson. This is something 
               big.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I suppose.

               
                             MARGARET
               What did Kramer say?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. Nothing.?

               
                             MARGARET
               Come on Jerry. You know something TELL 
               ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret?
 
               
               
                             MARGARET
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               You two know each other?

               
                             NEWMAN
               You might say that.

               
                             MARGARET
               We used to go out.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you 
               again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have 
               fun. Hehe
 
               
                             JERRY
               . . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?
 
               
               
                             MARGARET
               Just a few times.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             MARGARET
               I liked him.

               
                             JERRY
               You liked, Newman?

               
                             MARGARET
               Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking 
               about this okay?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. 
               I mean why did you stop seeing him.
 
               
               
                             MARGARET
               He ended it.

               
                             JERRY
               . . . HE ended it?

               
                             MARGARET
               YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years 
               ago. Why does it matter?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no of course not.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.

               
                             JERRY
               What tee?

               
                             KRAMER
               A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.

               
               (Monk's)

               
                             JERRY
               Newman! She went out with Newman!

               
                             ELAINE
               It must be a mistake.

               
                             JERRY
               No. It isn't and the most distressing 
               part of it is, not that she went out 
               with him but that HE stopped seeing 
               her. Do you understand? He, Newman; 
               Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never 
               stopped seeing anybody. Newman will 
               see whoever is willing to see him. Not 
               so much why she did see him as disturbing 
               as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, 
               stop seeing her?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Perhaps there's more to him than meets 
               the eye.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, there's less.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's possible.

               
                             JERRY
               No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. 
               He's pure evil.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in 
               a riddle.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
 
               
               
                             WX
               Would you like some more coffee?

               
                             JERRY
               No,, but thank you.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, by the way, your stationery store 
               guy called and he's got your pencil.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh! You are kidding me.

               
                             JERRY
               No, he left the store early, made a 
               special trip to the distributor and 
               got it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what did you do that for? You 
               ordered it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               To please Mr. Pitt.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you better go down there and tell 
               this guy. He's very excited.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, great!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Julie.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Julie.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting 
               George here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well then I better get going otherwise 
               George will make me buy him lunch to 
               make up for that big salad he bought 
               me yesterday.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How do you know THAT?

               
               (Newman's apartment)

               
               (knock knock)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Who is it.

               
                             JERRY
               It's Jerry.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You've come at a bad time now. Could 
               you come back later?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What 
               brings you down to the east wing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. 
               What happened with margaret?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               There's no need to get excited. Can't 
               we discuss this like gentlemen?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, we can't. My skin is crawling just 
               being inside your little rat's nest. 
               Now, what happened?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Do you really want to know what happened? 
               I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't 
               my type.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Noit your type?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Not really.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, how come?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Ah, she just didn't do it for me.

               
                             JERRY
               What, what is wrong with her?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with 
               her, that's all that matters.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't think she's attractive?

               
                             NEWMAN
               No. I need a really pretty face. But, 
               Hey, that's me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Care for some lemonade?

               
                             JERRY
               No, thank you.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha
 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen to this, "If a player cleans 
               his ball during the play of a hole accept 
               on the putting green he shall incur 
               a penalty of one stroke. " That's a 
               rule, Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But it's just a friendly game. Why do 
               you have to be such a stickler?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Because that's the way I weas raised. 
               You know when I was growing up I had 
               to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. 
               And if I wasn't, well I don't have to 
               tell you what happened.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you so worried about this for?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You know he talked about Pinkus on the 
               course?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He did?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of 
               pants into Pinkus' and they came back 
               stained with some kind of dry cleaning 
               fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. 
               You see he was very upset with Pinkus.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So it had nothing to do with you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the 
               edge.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, let me ask you a question. You 
               met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's 
               good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. 
               Oh, no makeup. I like that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I love curls.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah,, me too.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'll see you later.

               
                             JERRY
               Where you going?

               
                             KRAMER
               Genderson's.

               
                             JERRY
               You're going to see Genderson?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's weighing on my conscience.

               
               (Monk's)

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I think I could have played 
               with dolls if their were dolls in the 
               house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't 
               seem like a gender thing. I think I 
               would like to play with dolls. What's 
               so terrible?
 
               
                             JULIE
               Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine 
               before.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A ha! We're just friends.

               
                             JULIE
               Yes, well anyway, she said something 
               that was kind of intriguing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, share.

               
                             JULIE
               Well, when I came over to the table 
               she mentioned something about how she 
               better hurry up and leave or you'd make 
               her buy lunch to make up for the one 
               you bought yesterday.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.
 
               
               
                             JULIE
               Well, my question is, How could Elaine 
               be under the impression that you bought 
               the big salad, when I was the one who 
               handed it to her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, she probably just assumed.

               
                             JULIE
               Um, did she?

               
                             GEORGE
               . . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you 
               suggesting that I went out of my way 
               to tell Elaine that even though you 
               handed her the big salad, that it came 
               from me?
 
               
                             JULIE
               That's what I'm suggesting.

               
                             GEORGE
               . . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT 
               I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A 
               PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE 
               BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT 
               SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER 
               FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?
 
               
                             JULIE
               George, all I did was hand someone a 
               bag.
 
               
               (Julie leaves)

               
               (Stationery store)

               
                             ELAINE
               It's just that my boss is very demanding 
               and he needed the pencil right away.
 
               
               
                             STATIONER
               Well,, why did you tell me to order 
               it if you knew you were going to get 
               one someplace else?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.
 
               
               
                             STATIONER
               I went all the way down to the warehouse. 
               It took me three hours. I had a big 
               fight with the foreman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really? A fight with the foreman?

               
                             STATIONER
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.
 
               
               
                             STATIONER
               Yeah? Well, then how about going out 
               with me tonight?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
               (In Margaret's car)

               
                             MARGARET
               I mean they found a tee and he played 
               golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry 
               cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial 
               evidence is overwhelming.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You had how many dates with him? Three?
 
               
               
                             MARGARET
               Around three. I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               And . .

               
                             MARGARET
               I told you. He stopped calling me. I 
               moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What 
               are you looking at?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? I'm not looking. Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               Why are you looking at my face?

               
                             JERRY
               Where am I going to look?

               
                             MARGARET
               Kiss me.

               
                             JERRY
               . . . I can't.

               
               (Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off)

               
                             JERRY
               Newman!

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               All I could think of was when I was 
               looking at her face was; Newman found 
               this unacceptable.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery 
               store guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're going out with the stationery 
               store guy?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I felt so guilty about the pencil I 
               couldn't say no.
 
               
               (George enters, upset)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, well, well, I'm not treating you 
               to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie 
               that I made a special point of telling 
               you that I bought you the big salad. 
               Didn't ya'.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, uh.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, if it was a regular salad 
               I wouldn't have said anything. But you 
               had to have the BIG SALAD.
 
               
               (phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning 
               it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. 
               (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They 
               issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. 
               He escaped and the police spotted him 
               on the New Jersey Turnpike.
 
               
                             TV
               As you can see white Bronco. The police 
               have cleared the highway traffic in 
               front of him but they are keeping their 
               distance and don't want the situation 
               to escalate. And we have gotten an identification 
               on the driver of the vehicle. His name 
               is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing 
               buddies.
 
               
                             POLICE
               9-1-1 What are you reporting

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson 
               in the car. He wants to see his fish. 
               I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell 
               the police to back off.
 
               
                             POLICE
               Okay, sir, and what's your name?

               
                             KRAMER
               My name is Kramer. You know who I am 
               dammit!
 
               
                             GENDERSON
               I told you not to take the turnpike.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I thought we would blend in.

               
                             GENDERSON
               If we took the palisades this never 
               have happened.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               we would have had all that bridge traffic.
 
               
               
                             GENDERSON
               Ah, just drive.

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               Jail doesn't really seem like that great 
               of revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle 
               psychological mind games be a lot more 
               satisfying? Constantly calling him, 
               hanging up when he answers the phone. 
               Sending pizzas and taxis to their house 
               all night long. After a while he would 
               go, "I wish that guy would kill me already, 
               I can't take it anymore." And how come 
               when the police catch some really bad 
               criminal or something they put him in 
               the handcuffs, they hit him with the 
               baton, they put the choke hold on him, 
               then they're always careful they don't 
               want him to hurt his head when they're 
               putting him in the back of the patrol 
               car. "Watch your head, watch your head. 
               Don't hit that metal edge there. . . 
               . That REALLY hurts"
 
               
               
                             THE END



The Big Salad



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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