THE BIG SALAD
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
It's fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're
manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them.
I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe
two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator
there's a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all
the pens?
That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. You got
a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it's so
humiliating.
I don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week! I know;
where are they?
(Stationery store)
STATIONER
May I help you?
ELAINE
Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech
1000 mechanical pencil.
STATIONER
Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.
ELAINE
No, I'm sure you do.
STATIONER
They're pretty expensive.
ELAINE
Well, it's for my boss.
STATIONER
What do you do?
STATIONER
Well, we don't have any in stock right
now but I would be happy to order it
for you. Just give me your phone number
and when it comes in I'll give you a
call. You're name is?
ELAINE
Elaine.
STATIONER
Elaine, . . . and your last name?
ELAINE
It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha
STATIONER
And your number?
ELAINE
Uh, aw, KL5-239O.
STATIONER
Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing
from me.
ELAINE
Okay, (to Jerry) Move along. . .
JERRY
Why did you give him MY number?
(On the street)
ELAINE
I think he's got ideas.
JERRY
I wonder if any woman ever said that
about Einstein?
JERRY
Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?
(On the street)
ELAINE
Just call me when the new pen comes
in, okay?
JERRY
Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to
a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.
GEORGE
Hey, hey.
ELAINE
Hey hey
JULIE
Hi Jerry.
JERRY
Hi Julie.
GEORGE
Elaine, Julie.
ELAINE
Hi.
JULIE
Hi.
JULIE
Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.
ELAINE
Oh, mine's "Ike".
GEORGE
Hey, wanna get some lunch?
JERRY
Just had a big bowl of Kix.
GEORGE
Ah, well, that's very mature. What about
you?
ELAINE
Ah, no.
JULIE
Please come, Elaine.
ELAINE
No, no. How about if you bring me back
something?
GEORGE
Sure, all right, what do you want?
ELAINE
Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
GEORGE
What big salad? I'm going to the coffee
shop.
ELAINE
They have big salads.
GEORGE
I've never seen a big salad.
ELAINE
They have a big salad.
GEORGE
Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?
ELAINE
It's okay, you don't...
GEORGE
No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the
BIG salad?
JERRY
Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like
volleyballs.
GEORGE
(???), we'll see you in a little while.
(Jerry's)
ELAINE
Maybe I should just get married.
JERRY
Dating is really starting to get embarrassing
isn't it?
ELAINE
I know. You know, whenever I'm on a
date I feel people can tell.
JERRY
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed
out in public.
ELAINE
You can say that again.
JERRY
It's embarrassing for them. It's painful
for us to watch. I'm going out with
someone later, I'm not even taking her
out of the house.
ELAINE
Good for you.
JERRY
I don't need a bunch of people staring
at us.
ELAINE
Right on baby. (???)
(noise from hall)
JERRY
What was that?
(Kramer enters with his golf clubs)
KRAMER
That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never
playing golf with him again.
ELAINE
Who Gendason?
KRAMER
Steve Gendason.
.ELAINE
Why is that name familiar?
HX
He used to be a baseball player.
ELAINE
Oh, how did you end up playing golf
with him?
KRAMER
Well, I met him on the course a couple
of years ago. Yeah. Played with him
a lot. But today was it! We're on the
fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me
by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about
to hit his second shot, when, he picks
up the ball and CLEANS it.
ELAINE
So what?
KRAMER
Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state
that you cannot clean the ball unless
it's on the green. The rules are very
clear about that.
JERRY
Certainly are.
KRAMER
Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.
Jx; Ah, so what happened?
KRAMER
He LOST IT! We almost came to blows.
We were face to face like a manager
and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka
ba ya ka ba . . .
JERRY
All right. You're in MY face.
ELAINE
I still don't see what the big deal
is.
KRAMER
A rule is a rule. And let's face it.
Without rules there's chaos.
(Monks)
JULIE
I like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire.
Don't you like Sapphire?
GEORGE
Oh, Sapphire. Uh ha
JULIE
Although at times can be rather pedantic.
GEORGE
He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.
JULIE
And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily
News.
GEORGE
Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting.
The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons
is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find
fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t,
Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a
fun name to pronounce. Try and say it
Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check
arrives) All right. I
got it.
JULIE
No, no. I'd like to take you out.
GEORGE
No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You
know, what difference does it make who
pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.
JULIE
Okay, thanks, George.
WX
Here's your big salad to go.
JULIE
Oh, thank you.
(Jerry's)
JERRY
(on phone) Hello. No she's not here.
Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her.
Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store
guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.
ELAINE
I told ya'. He has ideas.
JERRY
He doesn't even care if a man answers.
ELAINE
Or you.
(George and Julie enter)
GEORGE
Hey, hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
JULIE
Sorry e're late.
ELAINE
No problem.
JULIE
Here's your big salad.
ELAINE
Thank you, Julie.
JULIE
Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess
I better get going. Gotta meet mother
a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want
to go?
GEORGE
No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much
of a Guggenheim.
JULIE
Sure, George.
GEORGE
Ya, you go.
JULIE
Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.
JERRY
Bye bye
(Julie exits)
GEORGE
Did you see what just happened?
JERRY
Well, that all depends. . .
GEORGE
Did you happen to notice that Julie
handed the big salad to Elaine?
JERRY
Yeah, so?
GEORGE
Well, she didn't BUY the big salad.
I bought the big salad.
JERRY
Is that a fact?
GEORGE
Yes it is. She just took credit for
my salad. That's not right.
JERRY
No it isn't.
GEORGE
I mean I'm the one who bought it.
JERRY
Yes you did.
GEORGE
You think she should have said something?
JERRY
She could have.
GEORGE
Oh, I know.
JERRY
Imagine, her taking credit for your
big salad.
GEORGE
You know you buy a big salad for somebody
it would be nice if they knew it.
JERRY
Obviously.
(Kramer rushes in)
KRAMER
Turn on the TV.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
I'm puttin it on...
TV
. . . the district attorney's office
and the police department have not answered
any questions as yet. To repeat in case
you're just joining us. Former baseball
start Steve Genderson, has been taken
to Police headquarters for questioning
the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner
of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam
Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson
had been involved in a dispute with
the cleaner about a stain on a pair
of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also
have a report that earlier in the day
a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf
Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving
the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there
is a possible connection between the
two is something we'll just have to
wait.
KRAMER
Jerry . . .
JERRY
Well, it has nothing to do with you.
KRAMER
Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the
penalty stroke that he murdered the
dry cleaner.
JERRY
Well, generally speaking you don't need
any extra incentive to murder a dry
cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.
(In a cab)
ELAINE
I like Julie. She's very personable.
GEORGE
Yeah, she's very lovely.
ELAINE
That's great George.
GEORGE
So did you enjoy your lunch?
ELAINE
Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually
it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?
GEORGE
oh, . . .because she handed you the
bag. I could have handed you the bag.
She happened to pick it up at the restaurant
even though, . . .
ELAINE
Even though what?
GEORGE
. . . naw, it's just you thanked HER,
and and oh, . . . what's the difference?
ELAINE
What? What are you trying to say, George?
GEORGE
It's just that I was the one who actually
paid for the big salad. She just happened
to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
ELAINE
You want the money for the big salad,
George?
GEORGE
No, no,
ELAINE
What is the problem?
GEORGE
There is no problem. . . just a small
miscommunication. Whereby you thanked
her instead of the person actually responsible
for purchasing the big salad.
(Jerry's)
JERRY
And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may
have driven him to it.
MARGARET
Well, they haven't even arrested him
yet. Come on, let's go out.
JERRY
Ah, no , I don't think so.
MARGARET
Why not?
JERRY
We don't need a bunch of people staring
at us.
MARGARET
Who is staring?
JERRY
Oh, they're staring. They know we're
on a date. They're making fun. Come
on. It's embarrassing.
(Phone rings)
JERRY
Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will
tell her. No I don't know what time
she might be coming back. Look I gotta'
go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long
story.
(Newman enters)
JERRY
Hello Newman.
MARGARET
Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you
knew where Kramer was.
JERRY
No, no I don't. Why?
MARGARET
You know, Genderson. This is something
big.
JERRY
I suppose.
MARGARET
What did Kramer say?
JERRY
I don't know. Nothing.?
MARGARET
Come on Jerry. You know something TELL
ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret?
MARGARET
Hello.
JERRY
You two know each other?
NEWMAN
You might say that.
MARGARET
We used to go out.
NEWMAN
Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you
again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have
fun. Hehe
JERRY
. . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?
MARGARET
Just a few times.
JERRY
Why?
MARGARET
I liked him.
JERRY
You liked, Newman?
MARGARET
Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking
about this okay?
JERRY
No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious.
I mean why did you stop seeing him.
MARGARET
He ended it.
JERRY
. . . HE ended it?
MARGARET
YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years
ago. Why does it matter?
JERRY
No, no of course not.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.
JERRY
What tee?
KRAMER
A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.
(Monk's)
JERRY
Newman! She went out with Newman!
ELAINE
It must be a mistake.
JERRY
No. It isn't and the most distressing
part of it is, not that she went out
with him but that HE stopped seeing
her. Do you understand? He, Newman;
Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never
stopped seeing anybody. Newman will
see whoever is willing to see him. Not
so much why she did see him as disturbing
as that is. But why, did HE, Newman,
stop seeing her?
ELAINE
Perhaps there's more to him than meets
the eye.
JERRY
No, there's less.
ELAINE
It's possible.
JERRY
No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes.
He's pure evil.
ELAINE
He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in
a riddle.
JERRY
Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
WX
Would you like some more coffee?
JERRY
No,, but thank you.
JERRY
Oh, by the way, your stationery store
guy called and he's got your pencil.
ELAINE
Ugh! You are kidding me.
JERRY
No, he left the store early, made a
special trip to the distributor and
got it.
ELAINE
I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.
JERRY
Well, what did you do that for? You
ordered it.
ELAINE
To please Mr. Pitt.
JERRY
Well, you better go down there and tell
this guy. He's very excited.
ELAINE
Uh, great!
JERRY
Hi Julie.
JERRY
Hi.
ELAINE
Hi Julie.
JERRY
Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting
George here.
ELAINE
Oh, well then I better get going otherwise
George will make me buy him lunch to
make up for that big salad he bought
me yesterday.
JERRY
How do you know THAT?
(Newman's apartment)
(knock knock)
NEWMAN
Who is it.
JERRY
It's Jerry.
NEWMAN
You've come at a bad time now. Could
you come back later?
JERRY
Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!
NEWMAN
Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What
brings you down to the east wing?
JERRY
Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games.
What happened with margaret?
NEWMAN
There's no need to get excited. Can't
we discuss this like gentlemen?
JERRY
No, we can't. My skin is crawling just
being inside your little rat's nest.
Now, what happened?
NEWMAN
Do you really want to know what happened?
I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't
my type.
JERRY
Noit your type?
NEWMAN
Not really.
JERRY
Well, how come?
NEWMAN
Ah, she just didn't do it for me.
JERRY
What, what is wrong with her?
NEWMAN
Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with
her, that's all that matters.
JERRY
You don't think she's attractive?
NEWMAN
No. I need a really pretty face. But,
Hey, that's me.
JERRY
Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.
NEWMAN
Care for some lemonade?
JERRY
No, thank you.
NEWMAN
Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha
(Jerry's apartment)
KRAMER
Listen to this, "If a player cleans
his ball during the play of a hole accept
on the putting green he shall incur
a penalty of one stroke. " That's a
rule, Jerry.
JERRY
But it's just a friendly game. Why do
you have to be such a stickler?
KRAMER
Because that's the way I weas raised.
You know when I was growing up I had
to be in bed every night by nine o'clock.
And if I wasn't, well I don't have to
tell you what happened.
JERRY
What are you so worried about this for?
KRAMER
You know he talked about Pinkus on the
course?
JERRY
He did?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of
pants into Pinkus' and they came back
stained with some kind of dry cleaning
fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility.
You see he was very upset with Pinkus.
JERRY
So it had nothing to do with you.
KRAMER
Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the
edge.
JERRY
No, I don't think so.
KRAMER
Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.
JERRY
Hey, let me ask you a question. You
met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's
good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty.
Oh, no makeup. I like that.
JERRY
Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?
KRAMER
Oh, I love curls.
JERRY
Yeah,, me too.
KRAMER
All right, I'll see you later.
JERRY
Where you going?
KRAMER
Genderson's.
JERRY
You're going to see Genderson?
KRAMER
It's weighing on my conscience.
(Monk's)
GEORGE
You know, I think I could have played
with dolls if their were dolls in the
house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't
seem like a gender thing. I think I
would like to play with dolls. What's
so terrible?
JULIE
Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine
before.
GEORGE
A ha! We're just friends.
JULIE
Yes, well anyway, she said something
that was kind of intriguing.
GEORGE
Oh, share.
JULIE
Well, when I came over to the table
she mentioned something about how she
better hurry up and leave or you'd make
her buy lunch to make up for the one
you bought yesterday.
GEORGE
Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.
JULIE
Well, my question is, How could Elaine
be under the impression that you bought
the big salad, when I was the one who
handed it to her?
GEORGE
Well, she probably just assumed.
JULIE
Um, did she?
GEORGE
. . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you
suggesting that I went out of my way
to tell Elaine that even though you
handed her the big salad, that it came
from me?
JULIE
That's what I'm suggesting.
GEORGE
. . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A
PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT
SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER
FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?
JULIE
George, all I did was hand someone a
bag.
(Julie leaves)
(Stationery store)
ELAINE
It's just that my boss is very demanding
and he needed the pencil right away.
STATIONER
Well,, why did you tell me to order
it if you knew you were going to get
one someplace else?
ELAINE
No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.
STATIONER
I went all the way down to the warehouse.
It took me three hours. I had a big
fight with the foreman.
ELAINE
Really? A fight with the foreman?
STATIONER
Yes.
ELAINE
Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.
STATIONER
Yeah? Well, then how about going out
with me tonight?
ELAINE
Okay.
(In Margaret's car)
MARGARET
I mean they found a tee and he played
golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry
cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial
evidence is overwhelming.
JERRY
You had how many dates with him? Three?
MARGARET
Around three. I don't know.
JERRY
And . .
MARGARET
I told you. He stopped calling me. I
moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What
are you looking at?
JERRY
What? I'm not looking. Nothing.
JERRY
Why are you looking at my face?
JERRY
Where am I going to look?
MARGARET
Kiss me.
JERRY
. . . I can't.
(Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off)
JERRY
Newman!
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
All I could think of was when I was
looking at her face was; Newman found
this unacceptable.
ELAINE
Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery
store guy.
JERRY
You're going out with the stationery
store guy?
ELAINE
I felt so guilty about the pencil I
couldn't say no.
(George enters, upset)
ELAINE
Well, well, well, I'm not treating you
to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie
that I made a special point of telling
you that I bought you the big salad.
Didn't ya'.
ELAINE
Uh, uh.
GEORGE
You know, if it was a regular salad
I wouldn't have said anything. But you
had to have the BIG SALAD.
(phone rings)
JERRY
Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning
it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here.
(hangs up) Hey listen to this. They
issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest.
He escaped and the police spotted him
on the New Jersey Turnpike.
TV
As you can see white Bronco. The police
have cleared the highway traffic in
front of him but they are keeping their
distance and don't want the situation
to escalate. And we have gotten an identification
on the driver of the vehicle. His name
is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing
buddies.
POLICE
9-1-1 What are you reporting
KRAMER
Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson
in the car. He wants to see his fish.
I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell
the police to back off.
POLICE
Okay, sir, and what's your name?
KRAMER
My name is Kramer. You know who I am
dammit!
GENDERSON
I told you not to take the turnpike.
KRAMER
I thought we would blend in.
GENDERSON
If we took the palisades this never
have happened.
KRAMER
we would have had all that bridge traffic.
GENDERSON
Ah, just drive.
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Jail doesn't really seem like that great
of revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle
psychological mind games be a lot more
satisfying? Constantly calling him,
hanging up when he answers the phone.
Sending pizzas and taxis to their house
all night long. After a while he would
go, "I wish that guy would kill me already,
I can't take it anymore." And how come
when the police catch some really bad
criminal or something they put him in
the handcuffs, they hit him with the
baton, they put the choke hold on him,
then they're always careful they don't
want him to hurt his head when they're
putting him in the back of the patrol
car. "Watch your head, watch your head.
Don't hit that metal edge there. . .
. That REALLY hurts"
THE END
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