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                          THE BIZARRO JERRY



                             Written by

                            David Mandel




           
          
          (JERRY and GEORGE are eating at
          an outdoor table, possibly in a
          zoo.)
          

                       JERRY          
          All right. How 'bout this one:
          let's say you're abducted by aliens.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Fine.
          

                       JERRY          
          They haul you aboard the mother
          ship, take you back to their planet
          as a curiosity. Now: would you
          rather be in their zoo, or their
          circus?
          

                       GEORGE          
          I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could
          set more of my own schedule.
          

                       JERRY          
          But in the circus you get to ride
          around in the train, see the whole
          planet!
          

                       GEORGE          
          I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin'
          through fire.. They're puttin'
          their little alien heads in my
          mouth..
          

                       JERRY          
          (resigned) At least it's show business..
          

                       GEORGE          
          But in the zoo, you know, they
          might, put a woman in there with
          me to uh.. you know, get me to
          mate.
          

                       JERRY          
          What if she's got no interest in
          you?
          

                       GEORGE          
          W--then I'm pretty much where I
          am now. At least I got to take
          a ride on a spaceship.
          
           
          

                       (TIME: 00:43)          
          (Commercial Break)
          
          (Exterior long shot: looking up
          at an office building)
          
          (Interior of office reception area
          of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY,
          and KRAMER come in. They calmly
          keep it quiet.)
          

                       KRAMER          
          George, why couldn't I use the
          bathroom in that store?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Krama, trust me, this is the best
          bathroom in midtown!
          

                       KRAMER          
          (frustrated) Wha??
          

                       JERRY          
          (dry) He knows.
          

                       GEORGE          
          {Anyway,} on the left--exquisite
          marble! High ceilings. An' a flush,
          like a jet engine! (imitates sound)
          Ha ha!
          

                       KRAMER          
          (impressed) Now, listen, uh. You
          better not wait. I'll catch you
          later.
          

                       GEORGE          
          You sure?
          

                       JERRY          
          (dry) He knows.
          
          (KRAMER goes on his mission and
          they're waiting for the elevator
          as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives,
          not noticing them.
          
          She could be a model.)
          

                       GEORGE          
          Wow.
          
          Nice.
          

                       JERRY          
          Why don't you try your engagement
          story?
          

                       GEORGE          
          (considers, but got into elevator)
          Won't work.
          

                       JERRY          
          Are you sure?
          

                       GEORGE          
          (wry) He knows.
          
          (Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN,
          a geekish nice guy in a red jacket,
          are eating at a table. ELAINE is
          a little bored,
          
          dreading.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          Look. Kevin. I really like you,
          heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd
          be, better off just being.. friends.
          (takes a bite of her
          

                       SANDWICH)          

                       KEVIN          
          Friends?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well. I mean. (distracted by the
          food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes
          like an old sponge.
          

                       KEVIN          
          Friends. Yeah! Why not friends?
          I might like to try that! Like
          you an' Jerry!
          
           
          
          (Men's room door. Flush sound and
          "Wooo!".)
          
          (Down the hall, a MAN in a suit
          is trying to use the copier as
          KRAMER comes out of the men's room
          affecting nonchalance.)
          

                       MAN          
          (frustrated) Damn thing is jammed
          again..
          

                       KRAMER          
          You know what happens with these?
          The rollers, they get flat spots
          on 'em. (hits button several times
          and whacks it)
          

                       MAN #2          
          (rushing by, tense) Hey Leland
          wants everyone in the conference
          room right now.
          

                       MAN          
          Come on, let's go.
          

                       KRAMER          
          (absently wants to be part of it)
          Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them)
          
           
          
          (Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE
          at a booth.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          (to JERRY) Remember I was telling
          you about Gillian, my friend who
          writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue?
          I really think you
          
          should give her a call.
          

                       JERRY          
          (doubtful) I don't know, do you
          have a--
          
          (ELAINE has anticipated the question,
          gives him her picture.)
          

                       JERRY          
          Not bad. Wuh--what does she--
          

                       ELAINE          
          (dry) I put her stats on the back.
          

                       JERRY          
          Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend
          '92 to '95." Owns her own car..
          "Favorite president: James Polk!"
          (ELAINE had
          
          echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it)
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hnn! Let me see that.
          

                       JERRY          
          (hands it to him as he asks ELAINE)
          So how'd it go with Kevin? Did
          you, steel-toe his ass back to
          Kentucky?
          

                       ELAINE          
          (laughs in appreciation) You are
          not gonna believe this! I told
          him that I just wanted to be friends.
          He's fine with it. He really
          
          wants to be friends.
          

                       JERRY          
          Why would anybody want a friend.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (dread) Uh.
          
          It's really not that bad, actually.
          He said he'd even go with me to
          the Museum of Miniatures. This
          is something you would never
          
          ever do.
          

                       JERRY          
          I mean all that stuff is so small..
          
          ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him))
          
          stupid..
          

                       GEORGE          
          (still looking at that picture)
          You know if I told my engagement
          story to that receptionist, but
          told her this, was my fiancée..
          

                       JERRY          
          What?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Don't you see. Women like that
          are like, members of a secret tribe
          living in a forbidden city. People
          like me have not been
          
          inside in thousands of years..
          But with this, it's like I've already
          been with one of her own! My hands
          been stamped! I come
          
          and go as I please!
          

                       ELAINE          
          (wry, not impressed) Well you cracked
          it! I warned the Queen you were
          gettin' close an', now it looks
          like we're gonna have to
          
          move the whole damn forbidden city.
          (chuckles with JERRY)
          

                       GEORGE          
          (getting up) Can I keep this?
          

                       ELAINE          
          No, I need it.
          

                       GEORGE          
          (absently leaving with it) Thanks.
          
           
          
          (The Brand/Leland office reception
          area. GEORGE comes in off elevator
          to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).)
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr.
          Art Vandelay..
          

                       AMANDA          
          I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr.
          Vandelay here..
          

                       GEORGE          
          (taking out wallet) Well, let me.
          Heh. Let me just eh.. check an',
          make sure I have the right man--ha!
          Heh, heh, heh!
          
          Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently
          dropped the photo into her view)
          

                       AMANDA          
          Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?
          

                       GEORGE          
          (humble) Well, if you must know,
          shhhe, was my fiancée, Susan. May
          she rest in peace.
          

                       AMANDA          
          Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm
          Amanda.
          

                       GEORGE          
          (shaking hands) I'm George.
          
          (As they continue talking, MAN3
          and KRAMER go to the elevator.)
          

                       MAN3          
          Good work today, K-man!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, you know what they say, you
          don't sell the steak, you sell
          the sizzle.
          

                       MAN3          
          Heh, heh!
          

                       KRAMER          
          {You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}
          

                       MAN3          
          In that case, make mine a double!
          
          (They yuck it up, getting on the
          elevator.)
          
          (Night at a restaurant. JERRY and
          GILLIAN meet.)
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Jerry?
          

                       JERRY          
          Gillian. Hiii..
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Very nice to meet you.
          

                       JERRY          
          It's nice to meet you!
          
          (They're shaking hands and he notices
          hers are like a man's--nice enough,
          but big, beefy.)
          
          (Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE
          are in a booth.)
          

                       JERRY          
          She had man-hands.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (pause) Man, Hands?
          

                       JERRY          
          The hands of a man. It's like a
          creature out of Greek Mythology,
          I mean, she was like part woman,
          part horrible beast.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (weary) {Look,} would you, prefer
          it, if she had, no hands at all?
          

                       JERRY          
          Would she have hooks?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive,
          Jerry?
          

                       JERRY          
          Kinda cool lookin'..
          

                       ELAINE          
          (getting up to go) Uh.. Listen,
          you're picking me up from my {place
          tomorrow}--
          

                       JERRY          
          (leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Okay, I've got five, huge boxes
          of {buttons}.
          

                       JERRY          
          Right. Well if you need an extra
          set of hands, I know who you can
          call--
          

                       ELAINE          
          (weary) Jerry!
          
          (Early morning in Jerry's "house,"
          a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's
          cooking breakfast as JERRY comes
          out of the bedroom,
          
          tired but surprised. He's in his
          pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit
          and oven mitts.)
          

                       JERRY          
          Kramer?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Hey buddy! Hey!
          

                       JERRY          
          It--eight o'clock in the morning!
          What the hell is goin' on?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland
          by nine.
          

                       JERRY          
          Why??
          

                       KRAMER          
          Because I'm workin' there, that's
          why.
          

                       JERRY          
          (disoriented) How long have I been
          asleep? What--what year is this?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed,
          but lately, I've been drifting,
          aimlessly?
          

                       JERRY          
          (snaps fingers) Now that you mention
          it.
          

                       KRAMER          
          But I finally realized what's missing,
          in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland,
          I'm gettin' things done. An' I
          love the people I'm
          
          workin' with.
          

                       JERRY          
          How much are they payin' you?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want
          any pay.
          
          I'm doin' this just for me.
          

                       JERRY          
          Really. So uh, what do you do down
          there all day?
          

                       KRAMER          

                       T.C.B.          
          You know, takin' care o' business.
          
          Aa--I gotta go.
          

                       JERRY          
          All right.
          

                       KRAMER          
          (leaving) I'll see you tonight,
          huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase)
          Forget my briefcase.
          

                       JERRY          
          W-w-wha' you got in there?
          

                       KRAMER          
          (as he leaves with it) Crackers.
          
          (MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning
          Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies
          assorted shots of working-man KRAMER:
          
          Getting on the subway (everyone
          else is going the opposite direction).
          
          Washing his shoes at the water
          cooler.
          
          Eating rolls of crackers out of
          his briefcase.
          
          Laughing it up after hours with
          co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.)
          
           
          
          (JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE
          is on the other end.)
          

                       JERRY          
          So the picture worked. Amazing!
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart
          casual." What uh, what is that?
          

                       JERRY          
          I don't know, but you don't have
          it.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Right. Bye.
          
          (ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging
          at JERRY. He doesn't know why so
          shrugs back.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          Where were you today?
          

                       JERRY          
          What?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Pick. Up.
          

                       JERRY          
          (whispers) Damn.
          

                       ELAINE          
          So? Where were you?!
          

                       JERRY          
          Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I
          went out and picked up a paper.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (irritated, throwing down her bag)
          I had to ask Kevin, to leave his
          office an' come an' pick me up!
          

                       JERRY          
          So? What are friends for?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry.
          He is reliable. He is considerate.
          He's like your, exact opposite.
          

                       JERRY          
          So he's Bizarro Jerry!
          

                       ELAINE          
          (pause) Bizarro Jerry?
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's
          exact opposite, who lives in the
          backwards bizarro world. Up is
          Down. Down is
          
          Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves,
          "Good bye" when he arrives.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"?
          Isn't that the, opposite of "Good
          bye"?
          

                       JERRY          
          No. It's still a goodbye.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Uh. Does he live underwater?
          

                       JERRY          
          No.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Is he black..
          

                       JERRY          
          Look. Just, forget it, {already}.
          All right?
          
          (KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.)
          

                       KRAMER          
          Wow. Man. What a day.
          
          Could I use a drink. (starts getting
          a drink and ice)
          

                       JERRY          
          Tough day at the office?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Just comin' in, an' that phone
          just wouldn't stop.
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, we better get goin' if we're
          gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock
          cold fusion.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'.
          Old man Leland is bustin' my hump
          over these reports. If I don't
          get 'em done by nine,
          
          I'm toast.. ({takes a swig and
          reacts})
          
           
          
          (Exterior of cheap-looking bar
          with neon "V"s on the outside.
          Then interior, it's a black-walled
          dance bar full of gorgeous
          
          women and GEORGE and AMANDA.)
          

                       GEORGE          
          This is a fantastic place! I always
          thought it was a meat packing plant!
          
          (Three female MODELS come up to
          them.)
          

                       MODEL #1          
          Hey! Amanda!
          

                       AMANDA          
          These are my friends. Anabelle,
          Justina, and Nikki. We used to
          model together.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Oh! Modelling! What's that like?
          Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid!
          Stupid! Stupid!
          

                       AMANDA          
          So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this
          time?
          

                       MODEL #2          
          (petulant) A bore.
          

                       GEORGE          
          You know, I used to love Paris.
          My uh, dead Fiancée, Susan.. (opening
          wallet) In fact I. think I, I may
          have a picture of her..
          
          (shows them the picture)
          

                       MODEL #3          
          (awed) Wow.. She was beautiful..
          Do you wanna dance?
          
           
          
          (Exterior of a restaurant.)
          
          (Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands
          tearing restaurant bread in half.)
          
          (GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in
          a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his
          horror of her hands.)
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Would you like some bread, Jerry?
          

                       JERRY          
          No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Well, then at least drink your
          beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief
          closeup on hands)
          

                       JERRY          
          (to self) Oh. Twist off..
          

                       GILLIAN          
          You have a little something on
          your face.
          

                       JERRY          
          I can get it. (feeling his face)
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing
          it, it's higher. (reaches over)
          
          (A close-up of his face while a
          man-hand is getting the very small
          thing. He's uneasy.)
          

                       GILLIAN          
          (friendly) It's an eyelash. Make
          a wish.
          
          (Closeup of his face with her outstretched
          finger in front of him.)
          

                       JERRY          
          I don't want to.
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Make a wish.
          

                       JERRY          
          Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her
          finger, opens eyes, says to self)
          Didn't come true.
          

                       GILLIAN          
          (smiles at him) Don't you just
          love lobster?
          
          (Closeup of her man-hands tearing
          open a lobster.)
          
          (Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking
          into Reggie's diner.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.
          

                       ELAINE          
          I know, he's so tiny!
          
          (Two guys are sitting in a booth
          and KEVIN sees them, motioning
          ELAINE to come along.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit
          down. These are a couple o' my
          friends. Uh, this is Gene. And
          this guy, we.. just call
          
          "Feldman!"
          
          (GENE is short and bald with glasses.
          Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking.
          ELAINE sits with them.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          (to self in head) Bizarro world..
          
           
          

                       (TIME: 10:33)          
          (Commercial Break)
          
          (Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.)
          

                       GEORGE          
          (delighted) Jerry? It was incredible!
          Models! As far as the eye could
          see!
          

                       JERRY          
          Then it does exist.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes. The legends are true.
          

                       JERRY          
          So when are you goin' out with
          this girl again?
          

                       GEORGE          
          I'm not! I'm inside the walls!
          

                       JERRY          
          So you're gonna burn that bridge.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Flame on!
          
           
          
          (Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN
          are at a booth when ELAINE comes
          and sits with them.)
          

                       GENE          
          (about the check) I got it.
          

                       KEVIN          
          (grabs it) No. You got it last
          time.
          

                       GENE          
          (calmly takes it) Don't worry about
          it.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (to self in head) This is unbelievable..
          

                       FELDMAN          
          Hey Elaine, what do you think of
          an alarm clock, that automatically
          tells you the weather when you
          wake up?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, I gotta say that I think
          that that is a fantastic idea,
          Feldman!
          

                       FELDMAN          
          Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.
          

                       KEVIN          
          (getting up) Well. See ya later,
          Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta
          get down 'o the library. (the three
          guys are leaving)
          

                       ELAINE          
          What are you gonna do down there?
          

                       KEVIN          
          Read!
          

                       ELAINE          
          (pause, then vaguely waves while
          watching them leave) Hello?
          
           
          
          (At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating
          breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied
          with the paper, JERRY's in a blue
          robe
          
          eating cereal and orange juice.)
          

                       JERRY          
          So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later.
          I think I'm gonna end it.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Uh-huh.
          

                       JERRY          
          Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm
          dating George the Animal, {steer}.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah..
          

                       JERRY          
          Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator
          an' sell tickets.
          

                       KRAMER          
          That's nice..
          

                       JERRY          
          Kramer, put the paper down! You
          never listen to me anymore! We
          hardly even talk!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't
          we?--
          

                       JERRY          
          I sit here for twenty lousy minutes
          in the morning--
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh here we go--
          

                       JERRY          
          An' then when you come home at
          night, you're always exhausted--we
          never do anything anymore!
          

                       KRAMER          
          What are you starting with me for?
          You know this is my crazy time
          o' year?!
          

                       JERRY          
          (pause) It's your third day..
          

                       KRAMER          
          (grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta
          go to work. We'll talk about this
          later. (leaves)
          

                       JERRY          
          Well.
          
          (calling down the hall) Call if
          you're gonna be late!
          
          (ELAINE's arrived.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          What? What is goin' on with you
          two?
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..
          

                       ELAINE          
          All right, listen. Have you seen
          my addre-- (sees address book on
          counter) --ah! There it is. Okay.
          I got it. I'll see you later.
          

                       (LEAVING)          

                       JERRY          
          Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second!
          Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever
          see you anymore.
          

                       ELAINE          
          (stops, pause) Well, I.
          
          (a little ashamed) I guess I been
          at Reggie's..
          

                       JERRY          
          The Bizarro coffeeshop?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Kevin and his friends are nice
          people! They do good things. They
          read..
          

                       JERRY          
          I read.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Books, Jerry.
          

                       JERRY          
          (pause) Oh.
          
          Big deal..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well! I can't spend the rest of
          my life coming into this stinking
          apartment every ten minutes to
          pore over the, excruciating
          
          minutia, of every, single, daily
          event..
          

                       JERRY          
          {What's goin' on,} like yesterday,
          I go to the bank to make a deposit,
          an' the teller gives me this look,
          like--
          

                       ELAINE          
          I'll see you later man. I gotta
          go.
          

                       JERRY          
          (frustrated, to self) The whole
          system is breakin' down!
          
          (GEORGE in his bathroom, drying
          his hair, looking at Gillian's
          picture. In the background, on
          a door, is a poster of a closeup
          of
          
          Dennis Franz in black and white.
          The phone rings and GEORGE puts
          the picture and blow-drier together
          on the side of the
          
          sink--the dryer's still running.)
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hello?
          
          Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know,
          I'm thinkin', we might just be
          better of bein' friends.
          
          Yeah.
          
          Yeah, you know what, I can't even
          really talk about it right now.
          
          Bye-bye. (hangs up)
          
          (happy with himself, but then sees
          the burned up photo) No! No!
          
          (At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.)
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Friends. Just friends.
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah.
          

                       GILLIAN          
          Yeah.
          
          All right. Well, do you still want
          to see a movie later?
          

                       JERRY          
          I wish I could, but, we're friends..
          

                       GILLIAN          
          I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.
          

                       JERRY          
          Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes
          to it)
          
          (muttering) There's a beach towel
          on the rack..
          
          (to phone) Yeah.
          

                       GEORGE          
          (frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my
          hair-dryer ruined the picture!
          An' I need another one or I can't
          get back into the
          
          forbidden city!
          

                       JERRY          
          (to drive him crazy) Who is this..
          

                       GEORGE          
          Jerry! I need you to get another
          picture of man-hands. I'm beggin'
          you!
          

                       JERRY          
          (pause) If I get it for you, will
          you take me to that club an' show
          me a good time?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes! Yes, all right--anything!
          
          (JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's
          taking forever--she's got quite
          a job there. He opens her purse
          and peeks
          
          around in it. Close-up of his hand
          getting the picture.)
          

                       JERRY          
          Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs
          his arm) Uh!
          
           
          
          (Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY
          is sitting at the table waiting
          up as KRAMER comes in and turns
          on the light.)
          

                       KRAMER          
          Jerry. Hey Jerry?
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm right here. (note: he has an
          athletic bandage on his right hand)
          
          You're late.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah, well, I got held up, you
          know. What happened to your hand?
          

                       JERRY          
          Like you care.
          

                       KRAMER          
          The work piled up, I lost track
          of time--
          

                       JERRY          
          (calmly getting up with plate of
          chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an'
          your work! Elaine's off in the
          Bizarro World, George only
          
          calls when he wants something,
          an' I'm left sitting here like
          this plate of cold chicken, which,
          by the way, (drops chicken into
          
          sink) was, for two.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You cooked?
          

                       JERRY          
          (calm) I ordered in. It's still
          effort.
          

                       KRAMER          
          (in pain) Ow! Jeez!
          

                       JERRY          
          What's wrong?
          

                       KRAMER          
          {Ow!} It's my stomach.
          

                       JERRY          
          You're probably gettin' an ulcer.
          This job is killing you! It's killing
          Us.
          

                       KRAMER          
          (putting briefcase down) You know
          what? You're right. These reports,
          they can wait a couple of hours.
          Whadda say we go out
          
          tonight? Any place you want.
          

                       JERRY          
          The coffeeshop?
          

                       KRAMER          
          You got it, buddy.
          

                       JERRY          
          (pleased) I'll call George!
          
           
          
          (Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY,
          and KRAMER walking down the street.
          Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming
          out of a
          
          shop by a liquor store.)
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey. Isn't that Elaine?
          

                       GEORGE          
          (quiet, desperate) Maybe she can
          get me another picture of man-hands.
          
          (calling) Elaine!
          

                       JERRY          
          Elaine!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Elaine!
          

                       ALL THREE          
          Elaine! Elaine!
          
          (ELAINE finally notices them, but
          suddenly from the other direction,
          three other guys are coming: GENE,
          KEVIN, and
          

                       FELDMAN.)          

                       KEVIN          
          Hey! Elaine!
          
          Hi-i! Over here!
          
          (Eerie music as ELAINE looks one
          way, then the other. All the MEN
          continue walking toward her. They
          all meet by her. To
          
          the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE,
          and FELDMAN. To the right of her
          are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY.
          It's like
          
          a bizarre mirroring.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is
          Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.
          
          (The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..",
          "Good to meet you..")
          

                       JERRY          
          (quietly crept out) This is really
          weird..
          
          (KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of
          Pepto Bismol.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          (diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE,
          and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse
          us, just for a moment.
          

                       KEVIN          
          Sure. (strolls away with his friends)
          

                       ELAINE          
          (pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE,
          and KRAMER) What.. what do you
          guys want..
          

                       GEORGE          
          Elaine, I got to have another picture
          of Gillian.
          

                       JERRY          
          I tried to get him one but Man-Hands
          almost ripped my arm out of the
          socket!
          
          (While the three argue briefly,
          ELAINE looks over to see where
          KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are
          friendly giving a beggar
          
          money.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          {Here ya are.}
          

                       ELAINE          
          (pause, turns back to JERRY et
          al.) Guys. I gotta go.
          
          Take it easy.
          
          (GEORGE tentatively follows her
          a couple steps.)
          

                       GEORGE          
          Elaine?
          
          (she turns, sighing)
          
          Can I come?
          

                       ELAINE          
          I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already
          got a George..
          
          (KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely
          turn to ELAINE as she joins them.
          They all go on companionably. JERRY,
          
          GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.)
          
           
          
          (Day, interior of Brand/Leland,
          KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's
          a greying man.)
          

                       KRAMER          
          What did you want to see me about,
          Mr. Leland?
          

                       LELAND          
          Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your
          work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble
          at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you
          know, I'll work harder, nights,
          weekends, whatever it takes..
          

                       LELAND          
          No, no, I don't think that's going
          to, do it, uh. These reports you
          handed in. It's almost as if you
          have no business training at all..
          
          I don't know what this is supposed
          to be!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get
          ahead..
          

                       LELAND          
          Well, I'm sorry. There's just no
          way that we could keep you on.
          

                       KRAMER          
          I don't even really work here!
          

                       LELAND          
          That's what makes this so difficult.
          
           
          
          (Night, GEORGE at the forbidden
          city.)
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hi. George.
          

                       MODEL #4          
          Are you sure you're supposed to
          be here?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come
          here all the time with my fiancée,
          back when it was a meat-packing
          plant. Ha. Here's her
          
          picture. (hands her a magazine
          page)
          

                       MODEL #4          
          What'd you do? Cut this out of
          a magazine or something?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Huh?
          

                       MODEL #5          
          That's me? It's from a Clinique
          ad I did..
          

                       GEORGE          
          Ha! Heh.
          
          (Muscled BOUNCER comes up.)
          

                       BOUNCER          
          Let's go. Private party. (escorts
          him out)
          
           
          
          (Night, Kevin's apartment. The
          doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to
          get it. GENE is reading on the
          couch. The apartment layout
          
          and furniture is the reverse of
          Jerry's--what's to the left in
          Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's.
          Also, Kevin's furnishings have
          more
          
          earth tones.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          Who is it?
          

                       ELAINE          
          (off-camera) It's Lainey!
          

                       KEVIN          
          (unlocks, opens door)
          
          Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her)
          

                       ELAINE          
          Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
          

                       KEVIN          
          Come on in!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses
          her bag to the left, it falls on
          the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks
          up her bag, puts it on a chair
          
          that's to the right)
          
          (As KEVIN gets back to reading,
          ELAINE looks around, noting how
          everything is the reverse. There's
          a unicycle on the wall.
          
          There's a bookcase near the couch.
          She goes to the kitchen. He has
          whole foods, not cereal boxes.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          What's up?
          

                       KEVIN          
          (friendly) Just reading..
          
          (ELAINE decides to make herself
          at home, opens the refrigerator
          and starts eating olives out of
          a jar, with her fingers. In the
          
          living room area, KEVIN is looking
          at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro
          Superman on a stereo speaker.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          Hey.. What're you doing?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Eatin' olives.
          

                       KEVIN          
          Have you ever heard of asking?
          (door bell rings)
          
          Who is it?
          

                       FELDMAN          
          (off-screen) Feldman..
          
          From across the hall.
          

                       KEVIN          
          (drops his suspicion and smiles,
          goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks
          and opens door)
          
          Hey.
          

                       FELDMAN          
          He-ey, Kevin!
          

                       KEVIN          
          Hi.
          

                       FELDMAN          
          Look who I ran into.
          
          (VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes
          into view in the hall.)
          

                       VARGUS          
          (testy) Hello, Kevin..
          

                       KEVIN          
          (testy) Hello, Vargus..
          
          (They both break into grins, chuckling--it
          was a joke.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          Ya wanna catch a ballgame this
          weekend?
          

                       VARGUS          
          Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves)
          

                       KEVIN          
          Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus..
          
          (to FELDMAN) {So?}
          

                       FELDMAN          
          I got 'em..
          

                       KEVIN          
          All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman
          was able to get us all tickets
          to the Bolshoi!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh! (comes to him)
          

                       KEVIN          
          (enthused) Fourth row, center.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Get out! (pushes him back, but
          he falls back on the floor!)
          
          (GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN,
          who's hurt!)
          

                       GENE          
          (to ELAINE) What is the matter
          with you?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there
          anything I can do?
          

                       GENE?          
          Haven't you done enough already?
          
          (Embarrassed, she grabs her bag
          and tries to leave. But the locks
          are set and the rape chain's in
          place. She tries to undo the
          
          locks.)
          

                       ELAINE          
          (turning to them, awkward) It's
          locked..
          
          (The meat-packing plant. GEORGE
          and JERRY are walking around. The
          walls are still black, but there's
          no furniture and there
          
          are sides of beef hanging on hooks,
          sawdust on the floor. They are
          the only people there. GEORGE is
          dismayed, and bumps
          
          into a side of beef in his distraction.)
          

                       JERRY          
          So this is it, huh?
          

                       GEORGE          
          But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin'
          you, an' w--w--it was really here!
          The, there was, a, bar, and a,
          an' a dance floor..
          

                       JERRY          
          (dry) I guess the DJ booth was
          over there behind the bone saw?
          
          (really disappointed) Get out of
          here George.
          
          (Shot of their feet in the sawdust
          as they walk out. There is the
          magazine photo GEORGE had brought
          there the previous night.)
          

                       (TIME: 10:52)          
          (Commercial Break)
          
          (Day, exterior of an apartment
          building. As credits run, the familiar
          Seinfeld interlude music, but done
          via corny "Brady
          
          Bunch"-esque sound effects.)
          
          (Interior of Kevin's apartment.
          GENE and KEVIN are talking.)
          

                       GENE          
          At work today, I discovered there's
          a payphone in the lobby that has
          free long distance.
          

                       KEVIN          
          Oh, so what did you do?
          

                       GENE          
          I called the phone company an'
          immediately reported the error.
          

                       KEVIN          
          Nice.
          
          (doorbell rings)
          
          Who is it?
          

                       FELDMAN          
          (off-screen) Feldman..
          
          From across the hall.
          

                       KEVIN          
          (smiles, relieved) Hold on.
          
          (GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN
          goes to unlock and open the door.
          FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags
          of groceries.)
          

                       FELDMAN          
          Kevin! Brought some groceries.
          

                       KEVIN          
          Again?! Feldman, you didn't have
          to do that!
          

                       FELDMAN          
          Hey, what are friends for?
          

                       KEVIN          
          You know, I may not say this enough
          but you two are about the best
          friends a guy could have.
          
          (They have a long smarmy group
          hug.)
          

                       KEVIN          
          (eyes closed in hug) Oh.
          
          Me so happy. Me want to cry.
         


                      THE END




The Bizarro Jerry



Writers :   David Mandel
Genres :   Comedy


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