Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe
(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)
I read somewhere that this Brentano's
is the place to meet girls in New York.
First it was the health club, then the
supermarket, now the bookstore. They
could put it anywhere they want, no
one's meetin' anybody.
(Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a
Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh?
I gotta get over to Hong Kong before
it all goes back to China..
(Sarcastic) You better hurry.
I'm gonna hit the head.
Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed
the rickshaw. See, I always thought
those would be perfect for New York.
(Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more
slow-moving wicker vehicles.
(George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on
his way in)
Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should
give her a call.
She's at that annual Peterman party
tonight. You know the one she danced
at last year?
(Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.
(Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.
Oh? Who's Leo?
Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot
his first name..
(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf.
Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)
Did I just see that?!
(To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you
busy for a few days, huh?
The Annual Peterman Party)
(Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes
up to her)
(Joking around with her) So, Elaine..
are you going to dance this year?
Maybe.. All over your face!
(A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)
If you do dance, the cooks want to know
- so they can be brought out of the
kitchen. They missed it last year.
(Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to
Peterman giving a toast)
My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired
Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once
said, (Makes a series of clicking and
popping sounds. The music
starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture
that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to
get things started. (Grabs a female
employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)
(Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down
at Elaine's table)
Hi, I'm Zach.
Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)
(George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom
with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)
Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?
(Acting innocent) I'm all set.
(Pointing) Did you take that book with
you into the bathroom?
(Not sure what the answer should be)
What do you want to hear?
The Coffee shop)
(George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)
They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks
this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the
book) How dare they?! I got news for
you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there
would be no books.
(Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg
used to spend a lot of time in there.
They're selling coffee, bran muffins..
you're surrounded by reading material.
(Reading the cover of the book George
was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist
I find the soothing pastorial images
(Cutting him off) Thank you very much.
Well, I'm gonna go back there later
and return it when there's different
people working.. You want to catch a
I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw
him shoplifting at the bookstore.
(Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo!
Stickin' it to the man!
(Elaine enters and sits down)
Sleeping in the caragain?
(Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..
You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
(Angered) No, I found a better way to
humiliate myself. There was this guy,
and we had a few too many..
You went home with him?
Worse. We made out at the table like
our plane was going down!
(Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out.
An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing
(Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how
embarrassing this is to someone in my
(Confused) What's your position?
I am an associate.
Hey, me too.
(A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)
Yeah, me too.
Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the
Well, unless you tell everybody you're
(Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause
if we're dating, what everyone saw was
just a beautiful moment between two
(Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed
to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
(Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.
(Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having
a conference at his table)
(Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas
some drinks and sandwiches?
(Taking his offer seriously) No, we've
(Gesturing to dishes and silverware
on the table) But you can clear some
of this stuff out of the way.
Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at
some papers on the table) Remember my
idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well,
we're gonna make it happen!
(Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No,
Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong
(Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.
He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't
Yes, it can.
We'll start out with one, and they when
it catches on, we're gonna have a whole
It's the romance of the Handsome Cab
without the guilt or dander of the equine.
So, who's gonna pull this thing?
(Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)
(To Newman) Well, I just assumed you
Yeah, but I though-
(Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.
(Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's
dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?
(Brainstorming) What about the homeless?
Can't we worry about them later?
(Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.
(Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They
do have an intimate knowledge of the
They're always walkin' around the city.
Why not just strap something to them?!
(Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible
idea I've heard all day.
The Coffee shop)
(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)
Jerry, hello! (Sits down)
So, Leo, how's everything? You doin'
I still have the ringing in the ears.
Sounds like the phone.
(Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah.
But what about money? Are you strapped?
Do you need a little?
What, are you kidding? I should you
loaning you money! (Quickly amending
what he just said) But I'm not.
(Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's
Why didn't ya say hello?
Because you were too busy stealing a
(Giving a courtesy lesson) You still
(Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I
saw you steal.
Oh, they don't care. We all do it.
Senior citizens. No big deal.
You could get arrested.
Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine
explaination for his stealing) I'm an
old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid
for it. What's my name? Will you take
Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.
You made your point.
(Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts)
(Yelling out to every one in the coffee
shop) Will somebody answer that damn
Peterman office building hallway)
(Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach
and I have been dating. What'd you think,
I was the office skank?
"Well"? We've been dating for three
months. Between you and me, and.. anyone
else you want to tell.
(Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making
out with another co-worker)
(Exits, closing the door behind her)
Oh man. Ugh..
(Pointing at the closed door) Isn't
Aren't you upset?
(Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!
(Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close
by are three homeless guys in a line)
Alright, listen up. Now, you three have
been hand-picked out of possibly dozens
that applied. Now, what we're looking
for are motivated,
hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws.
(One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away)
Now, I don't caer where you're
from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But
you will have to be physically fit.
(One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)
(Continuing as if nothing happened)
Because to pull rickshaws means more
than just strong legs. You're also going
to need a well-toned upper body.
(Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..
Alright, who's first?
(The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him
on the shoulder - dust flies into the air)
(Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.
(To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse
named Rusty. No offence.
(To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down
to the end of the block. Make a controlled
turn, and bring her back. Let's see
what you've got! Ok? Ready, and
(Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)
(Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw)
Giddy up! Good form.
(Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace
yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to
do this all day for very little money.
(They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)
Hey, what's he doin'?
I think he stealing our rickshaw!
Well, then, he's out!
(Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing
in line - alone)
HOMELESS MAN 2
(Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job.
(Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return
Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
(Puts the book's code into the computer)
I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
It's been flagged.
It's been in the bathroom.
It says that on the computer?
Please take it home. We don't want it
near the other books.
(Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost
a lot of business! Because I love to
(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo
stealing another book)
(To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks
over to a security guard) Excuse me,
I wonder if you could do me a favor?
My uncle's having a little problem with
Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?
(Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat.
If you could just kind of put a scare
into him.. You know, set him straight..
(Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50
in paperbacks. All units respond.
'51-50'? That - that's just a scare,
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand
out of the way and let us handle this.
(The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm!
(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)
What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!
You're under arrest.
(To Guard) I just wanted you to scare
Jerry, you ratted me out?!
(Unsure of what to say - he remember's
Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?
(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)
Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just
wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
(Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just
She's got priors.
(Not believeing it) Prior convictions?
It was a crime of passion. Leave it
Besides, it's not stealing if it's something
(Confused) What does that mean?
Nobody pays for everyting.
(Shocked at his parents) You're stealing
Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well,
they wear out so quick.
Mom, you too?
Sometimes your father forgets, so I
have to steal them.
(Kramer and Newman both enter)
Alright, I'll talk to you later.
(While washing his hands in Jerry's
kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone.
We strapped it to a homeless guy and
he (Makes a noise), he bolted.
(Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five
percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses
fail within the first three months.
(To Newman) See, we should've gotten
some collateral from him.. Like his
bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.
We gotta find that rickshaw. You check
the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the
soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
(Newman and Kramer both go to leave)
To the Idiotmobile!
The Coffee shop)
(Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)
So, even though you're not really going
out with this guy, he's cheating on
That is correct. But here's the beauty
part - now I stand up for myself by
telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry
ass, and I'm the office-
(Butting in) Tina Turner?
(George enters with his large art book)
Well, I've to every Brentano's. This
thing's flagged in every database in
Is it so horrible to have to keep a
I don't understand what the big deal
is. They let you try on pants.
(Stern on George) Not underpants.
Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.
(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his
(Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!
(Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry.
I didn't know about your.. past.
(Exiting) You mean my crime of passion?
If anyone betrays me, I never forget!
(Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo,
(Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through
French impressionism. Oh, I love this.
(Looking up at George) Now, what is
the problem with this book?
How much do you want for it?
You know, I could let it go for.. say..
a hundred and twenty-five.
(Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George
at the booth)
Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks
when he sees Elaine looking at George's
book) What is that doing on the table?
(Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands,
he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer
(Pointing) I'm not eating anything in
the vicinity of that book.
(Confused) What is wrong with this book?
That book has been on a wild ride. George
took it into the bathroom with him and-
(Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying
to get away from the book. Yelling out)
Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard
coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs
to the bathroom to wash her hands)
(The damage has been done. He is slightly
angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do
you read in the bathroom?
I don't read in the bathroom.
Well, aren't you something?
(Peterman walks in)
Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about
(Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know
all about his little performance in
the break room.
Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into
the break room to nibble on a love newton?
(Confused) Love newton?
I'm afraid the problem with Zach is
more serious. He's back on the horse,
Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's
An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just
keeps getting better!
And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible.
I'm the one who sent him to Thailand
- in search of low-cost whistles. Filled
his head with pseudoerotic
tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone
numbers of places he could score near the hotel.
Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is
that I was planning on breaking up with
Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That
was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold
turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at
Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to
(Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or
I will strip you of your 'associate'
status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the
first twenty-four hours are the worst.
Better bring a poncho.
(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through
his head while he's trying to sleep)
It was a crime of passion.
If anyone betrays me, I never forget.
He won't last a day in prison.
(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison
*NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the
movie "Cape Fear")
(Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers
his right hand, and "Hello" written
on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry.
Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to
yelling out) Answer that damn phone!
(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's
ringing. He answers it)
Hey, it's me.
(Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are
you up to?
My fake boyfriend is going through real
(Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning
Eat your soup!
You're not feeding him, are you?
Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out
to him) I told you, away from the curtains.
Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He
vomits again - this time into the
bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I
(Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks
(Scared) Ah! Kramer!
I thought I heard you.
Get out of here!
(From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer?
(Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.
Will everybody please leave?!
I just heard that a postman spotted
a rickshaw down in Battery Park.
It's entirely possible.
I want everyone out!
(Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's
talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some
(To Jerry) Good night.
(Bitter) Good night, Newman.
(Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)
There it is!
Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the
(Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back
to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman)
Let's get this baby home.
You know, when you think about it, it's
kind of silly for us both to pull this
thing all t he way back uptown. I mean,
after all, it is a conveyance.
Yes, that's true.
So, which one of us is gonna pull?
Well, there's only one way to settle
this. (Starts pointing back and forth
between Newman and him with each word
of the rhyme) One spot, two spot,
zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare
'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..
(Realizing he won) Yeah.
Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing
and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..
(Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)
Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too
A homeless charity center)
(Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes
across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine
about her muffin stumps in
episode "The Muffin Tops")
(Gesturing tward the book) So, you want
to donate this to charity?
Well, I assume there's some sort of
What's the value of the book?
Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss
(Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca
(Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait
a second. (Certain) This book has been
in the bathroom.
(Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about?
That - that's rediculous.
It's been flagged. I know. I used to
work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're
trying to help the homeless heare -
it's bad enough that we have some nut
there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!
(Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright,
I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we
have a deal?
Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet
book out of here, and I won't jump over
this counter and punch you in the brain!
I could take it in merchandise..
(Threatening to hit him) Here I come..
(George grabs his book and runs for his life)
(Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking
with the cashier while checking out a book)
So, this book'll tell me how to get
puke out of cashmere?
(To Elaine) So, the worst is over?
Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's
clean, and I'm the office hero.
Seems like you're better at fake relationships
than real ones.
Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of
it. the Detox Poncho.
(She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)
(Leaving Jerry) See ya.
(To cashier) I'd like to speak with
the manager, please.
(Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)
Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!
(Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take
a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking
Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule
as it is.
(The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)
(Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!
(The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes
an attempt to chase it)
(Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)
(Optimistic) Well, this is the first
day of the rest of my life!
(Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)
(Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street,
Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts
walking, then running away from the
(Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George
George? What are you doin' here?
I can't sell the book. It's been marked.
(Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.
So, I'm gonna steal another one, and
then return it. That way, everything
(Trying to straighten things out) You
defile one book, steal another, ask
for your money back - and to you that's
I'm goin' in!
(George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks
up to Jerry)
Did you want to speak with the manager?
Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing
here the other day..
Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm
sorry, our policy is we prosecute all
(Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a
lonely old man. All old people steal.
That's right. That's why we stopped
carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest
with you, we've had a lot of trouble
with theft lately - and my boss says
I have to make an example to someone.
So it could be anyone?
I.. guess. As long as we catch him in
(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat
- and is trying to act innocent)
That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm!
(George is instantly surrounded by guards)