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ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE BOOKSTORE



                           Written by

             Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe




 
               
               
                             
               (Bookstore)

               
               (George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)

               
                             GEORGE
               I read somewhere that this Brentano's 
               is the place to meet girls in New York.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               First it was the health club, then the 
               supermarket, now the bookstore. They 
               could put it anywhere they want, no 
               one's meetin' anybody.
 
               
               (Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a 
               book)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? 
               I gotta get over to Hong Kong before 
               it all goes back to China..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) You better hurry.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna hit the head.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed 
               the rickshaw. See, I always thought 
               those would be perfect for New York.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more 
               slow-moving wicker vehicles.
 
               
               (George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on 
               his way in)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should 
               give her a call.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's at that annual Peterman party 
               tonight. You know the one she danced 
               at last year?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh? Who's Leo?

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot 
               his first name..
 
               
               (Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. 
               Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Did I just see that?!

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you 
               busy for a few days, huh?
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               The Annual Peterman Party)

               
               (Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes 
               up to her)
 
               
                             WALTER
               (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. 
               are you going to dance this year?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe.. All over your face!

               
               (A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)

               
                             WAITER
               If you do dance, the cooks want to know 
               - so they can be brought out of the 
               kitchen. They missed it last year.
 
               
               
               (Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to 
               Peterman giving a toast)
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired 
               Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once 
               said, (Makes a series of clicking and 
               popping sounds. The music
 
               
               starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture 
               that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to 
               get things started. (Grabs a female
 
               
               employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)
 
               
               
               (Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down 
               at Elaine's table)
 
               
                             ZACH
               Hi, I'm Zach.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Bookstore)

               
               (George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom 
               with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)
 
               
               
                             MANAGER
               Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Acting innocent) I'm all set.

               
                             MANAGER
               (Pointing) Did you take that book with 
               you into the bathroom?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Not sure what the answer should be) 
               What do you want to hear?
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               The Coffee shop)

               
               (George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks 
               this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the 
               book) How dare they?! I got news for 
               you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there
 
               
               
               would be no books.

               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg 
               used to spend a lot of time in there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. 
               you're surrounded by reading material. 
               It's entrapment!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Reading the cover of the book George 
               was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist 
               Paintings'?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I find the soothing pastorial images 
               very conduc-
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm gonna go back there later 
               and return it when there's different 
               people working.. You want to catch a 
               movie?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw 
               him shoplifting at the bookstore.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! 
               Stickin' it to the man!
 
               
               (Elaine enters and sits down)

               
                             JERRY
               Sleeping in the caragain?

               
                             ELAINE
               Cocktail flu.

               
                             JERRY
               (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Angered) No, I found a better way to 
               humiliate myself. There was this guy, 
               and we had a few too many..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You went home with him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Worse. We made out at the table like 
               our plane was going down!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. 
               An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing 
               anything?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how 
               embarrassing this is to someone in my 
               position?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Confused) What's your position?

               
                             ELAINE
               I am an associate.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, me too.

               
               (A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)

               
                             WAITRESS
               Yeah, me too.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the 
               office skank.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, unless you tell everybody you're 
               dating.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause 
               if we're dating, what everyone saw was 
               just a beautiful moment between two 
               lovers.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed 
               to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having 
               a conference at his table)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas 
               some drinks and sandwiches?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've 
               already eaten.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (Gesturing to dishes and silverware 
               on the table) But you can clear some 
               of this stuff out of the way.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at 
               some papers on the table) Remember my 
               idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, 
               we're gonna make it happen!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, 
               you're not.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong 
               post office..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.

               
                             NEWMAN
               He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't 
               miss!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it can.

               
                             KRAMER
               We'll start out with one, and they when 
               it catches on, we're gonna have a whole 
               fleet!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               It's the romance of the Handsome Cab 
               without the guilt or dander of the equine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, who's gonna pull this thing?

               
               (Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you 
               would.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah, but I though-

               
                             KRAMER
               (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's 
               dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Brainstorming) What about the homeless?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Can't we worry about them later?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They 
               do have an intimate knowledge of the 
               street..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               They're always walkin' around the city. 
               Why not just strap something to them?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible 
               idea I've heard all day.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               The Coffee shop)

               
               (Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)

               
                             LEO
               Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

               
                             JERRY
               So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' 
               Okay?
 
               
                             LEO
               I still have the ringing in the ears. 
               Sounds like the phone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. 
               But what about money? Are you strapped? 
               Do you need a little?
 
               
                             LEO
               What, are you kidding? I should you 
               loaning you money! (Quickly amending 
               what he just said) But I'm not.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's 
               yesterday.
 
               
                             LEO
               Why didn't ya say hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Because you were too busy stealing a 
               book.
 
               
                             LEO
               (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still 
               say hello.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I 
               saw you steal.
 
               
                             LEO
               Oh, they don't care. We all do it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who, criminals?

               
                             LEO
               Senior citizens. No big deal.

               
                             JERRY
               You could get arrested.

               
                             LEO
               Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine 
               explaination for his stealing) I'm an 
               old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid 
               for it. What's my name? Will you take 
               me
 
               
               home?

               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) Leo..

               
                             LEO
               Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. 
               You made your point.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) 
               Thank you.
 
               
                             LEO
               (Yelling out to every one in the coffee 
               shop) Will somebody answer that damn 
               phone?!
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Peterman office building hallway)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach 
               and I have been dating. What'd you think, 
               I was the office skank?
 
               
                             WALTER
               Well..

               
                             ELAINE
               "Well"? We've been dating for three 
               months. Between you and me, and.. anyone 
               else you want to tell.
 
               
               (Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making 
               out with another co-worker)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Exits, closing the door behind her) 
               Oh man. Ugh..
 
               
                             WALTER
               (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't 
               that Zach?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             WALTER
               Aren't you upset?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               NYC street)

               
               (Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close 
               by are three homeless guys in a line)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, listen up. Now, you three have 
               been hand-picked out of possibly dozens 
               that applied. Now, what we're looking 
               for are motivated,
 
               
               hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. 
               (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) 
               Now, I don't caer where you're
 
               
               from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But 
               you will have to be physically fit.
 
               
               (One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)

               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               The government!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Continuing as if nothing happened) 
               Because to pull rickshaws means more 
               than just strong legs. You're also going 
               to need a well-toned upper body.
 
               
               (Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..

               
                             NEWMAN
               Alright, who's first?

               
               (The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him 
               on the shoulder - dust flies into the air)
 
               
                             KRMAER
               Hey.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Name, please.

               
                             HOMELESS MAN
               Rusty.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse 
               named Rusty. No offence.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down 
               to the end of the block. Make a controlled 
               turn, and bring her back. Let's see 
               what you've got! Ok? Ready, and
 
               
               go!

               
               (Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) 
               Giddy up! Good form.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace 
               yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to 
               do this all day for very little money.
 
               
               
               (They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what's he doin'?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I think he stealing our rickshaw!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, then, he's out!

               
               (Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing 
               in line - alone)
 
               
                             HOMELESS MAN 2
               (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. 
               Potato salad!"
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Bookstore)

               
               (Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return 
               the book)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
 
               
               
                             CASHIER
               (Puts the book's code into the computer) 
               I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             CASHIER
               It's been flagged.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Confused) Flagged?

               
                             CASHIER
               It's been in the bathroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               It says that on the computer?

               
                             CASHIER
               Please take it home. We don't want it 
               near the other books.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost 
               a lot of business! Because I love to 
               read!
 
               
               (George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo 
               stealing another book)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks 
               over to a security guard) Excuse me, 
               I wonder if you could do me a favor? 
               My uncle's having a little problem with
 
               
               
               shoplifting..

               
                             GUARD
               Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

               
                             JERRY
               (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. 
               If you could just kind of put a scare 
               into him.. You know, set him straight..
 
               
               
                             GAURD
               (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 
               in paperbacks. All units respond.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, 
               right?
 
               
                             GUARD
               Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand 
               out of the way and let us handle this. 
               (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! 
               Swarm!
 
               
               (Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)

               
                             LEO
               What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!
 
               
               
                             GUARD
               You're under arrest.

               
                             JERRY
               (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare 
               him.
 
               
                             LEO
               Jerry, you ratted me out?!

               
                             JERRY
               (Unsure of what to say - he remember's 
               Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?
 
               
                             LEO
               Hello.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry is on the phone with his parents)

               
                             JERRY
               Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just 
               wanted the guard to scare him straight.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just 
               a fine.
 
               
                             MORTY
               She's got priors.

               
                             JERRY
               (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? 
               Leo?
 
               
                             HELEN
               It was a crime of passion. Leave it 
               alone.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Besides, it's not stealing if it's something 
               you need.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Confused) What does that mean?

               
                             HELEN
               Nobody pays for everyting.

               
                             JERRY
               (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing 
               too?!
 
               
                             MORTY
               Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, 
               they wear out so quick.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Mom, you too?

               
                             HELEN
               Sometimes your father forgets, so I 
               have to steal them.
 
               
               (Kramer and Newman both enter)

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll talk to you later.

               
                             KRAMER
               (While washing his hands in Jerry's 
               kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. 
               We strapped it to a homeless guy and 
               he (Makes a noise), he bolted.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five 
               percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses 
               fail within the first three months.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (To Newman) See, we should've gotten 
               some collateral from him.. Like his 
               bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               We gotta find that rickshaw. You check 
               the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the 
               soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
 
               
               
               (Newman and Kramer both go to leave)

               
                             JERRY
               To the Idiotmobile!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               The Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)

               
                             JERRY
               So, even though you're not really going 
               out with this guy, he's cheating on 
               you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That is correct. But here's the beauty 
               part - now I stand up for myself by 
               telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry 
               ass, and I'm the office-
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Butting in) Tina Turner?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Accepting) Alright.

               
               (George enters with his large art book)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I've to every Brentano's. This 
               thing's flagged in every database in 
               town!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is it so horrible to have to keep a 
               book?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't understand what the big deal 
               is. They let you try on pants.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Stern on George) Not underpants.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.

               
               (Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his 
               check)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

               
                             LEO
               (Bitter) Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. 
               I didn't know about your.. past.
 
               
                             LEO
               (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? 
               If anyone betrays me, I never forget!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, 
               wait! Hello?!
 
               
               (Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through 
               it)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               French impressionism. Oh, I love this. 
               (Looking up at George) Now, what is 
               the problem with this book?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing.

               
                             ELAINE
               How much do you want for it?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I could let it go for.. say.. 
               a hundred and twenty-five.
 
               
               (Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George 
               at the booth)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks 
               when he sees Elaine looking at George's 
               book) What is that doing on the table?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, 
               he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer 
               down.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in 
               the vicinity of that book.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Confused) What is wrong with this book?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Simmer!

               
                             JERRY
               That book has been on a wild ride. George 
               took it into the bathroom with him and-
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying 
               to get away from the book. Yelling out) 
               Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard 
               coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs
 
               
               
               to the bathroom to wash her hands)

               
                             GEORGE
               (The damage has been done. He is slightly 
               angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do 
               you read in the bathroom?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't read in the bathroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, aren't you something?

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Elaine's office)

               
               (Peterman walks in)

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about 
               your lover.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know 
               all about his little performance in 
               the break room.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into 
               the break room to nibble on a love newton?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Confused) Love newton?

               
                             PETERMAN
               I'm afraid the problem with Zach is 
               more serious. He's back on the horse, 
               Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's 
               nightcap.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just 
               keeps getting better!
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. 
               I'm the one who sent him to Thailand 
               - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled 
               his head with pseudoerotic
 
               
               tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone 
               numbers of places he could score near the hotel.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is 
               that I was planning on breaking up with 
               Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That 
               was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold 
               turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at 
               his side.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to 
               uh-
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or 
               I will strip you of your 'associate' 
               status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the 
               first twenty-four hours are the worst.
 
               
               
               Better bring a poncho.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Jerry's bedroom)

               
               (Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through 
               his head while he's trying to sleep)
 
               
                             HELEN
               It was a crime of passion.

               
                             LEO
               If anyone betrays me, I never forget.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               He won't last a day in prison.

               
               (Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison 
               *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the 
               movie "Cape Fear")
 
               
                             LEO
               (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers 
               his right hand, and "Hello" written 
               on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. 
               Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to 
               the right,
 
               
               yelling out) Answer that damn phone!

               
               (Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's 
               ringing. He answers it)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, it's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are 
               you up to?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nightmares. You?

               
                             ELAINE
               My fake boyfriend is going through real 
               withdrawals.
 
               
                             ZACH
               (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning 
               up! Elaine!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Eat your soup!

               
                             JERRY
               You're not feeding him, are you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out 
               to him) I told you, away from the curtains. 
               Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He 
               vomits again - this time into the
 
               
               
               bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I 
               gotta go.
 
               
               (Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks 
               in)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               (Scared) Ah! Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               I thought I heard you.

               
                             JERRY
               Get out of here!

               
                             NEWMAN
               (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? 
               (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Will everybody please leave?!

               
                             NEWMAN
               I just heard that a postman spotted 
               a rickshaw down in Battery Park.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Our rickshaw?

               
                             NEWMAN
               It's entirely possible.

               
                             JERRY
               I want everyone out!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's 
               talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some 
               cocoa.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (To Jerry) Good night.

               
                             JERRY
               (Bitter) Good night, Newman.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Park)

               
               (Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               There it is!

               
                             KRAMER
               Rusty!

               
                             RUSTY
               Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the 
               job?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back 
               to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) 
               Let's get this baby home.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Uh..

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             NEWMAN
               You know, when you think about it, it's 
               kind of silly for us both to pull this 
               thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, 
               after all, it is a conveyance.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, that's true.

               
                             NEWMAN
               So, which one of us is gonna pull?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, there's only one way to settle 
               this. (Starts pointing back and forth 
               between Newman and him with each word 
               of the rhyme) One spot, two spot,
 
               
               
               zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 
               'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (Realizing he won) Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing 
               and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..
 
               
               
               (Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)
 
               
               
                             NEMWAN
               Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too 
               much jostling!
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               A homeless charity center)

               
               (Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes 
               across Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine 
               about her muffin stumps in
 
               
               episode "The Muffin Tops")

               
                             REBECCA
               (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want 
               to donate this to charity?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I assume there's some sort of 
               write-off.
 
               
                             REBECCA
               What's the value of the book?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss 
               DeMooney.
 
               
                             REBECCA
               (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca 
               DeMornay.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh.

               
                             REBECCA
               (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait 
               a second. (Certain) This book has been 
               in the bathroom.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? 
               That - that's rediculous.
 
               
                             REBECCA
               It's been flagged. I know. I used to 
               work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're 
               trying to help the homeless heare - 
               it's bad enough that we have some nut 
               out
 
               
               there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!

               
                             GEORGE
               (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, 
               I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we 
               have a deal?
 
               
                             REBECCA
               Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet 
               book out of here, and I won't jump over 
               this counter and punch you in the brain!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I could take it in merchandise..

               
                             REBECCA
               (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..
 
               
               
               (George grabs his book and runs for his life)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Bookstore)

               
               (Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking 
               with the cashier while checking out a book)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, this book'll tell me how to get 
               puke out of cashmere?
 
               
                             CASHIER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Great.

               
                             JERRY
               (To Elaine) So, the worst is over?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's 
               clean, and I'm the office hero.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Seems like you're better at fake relationships 
               than real ones.
 
               
                             ELAIEN
               Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of 
               it. the Detox Poncho.
 
               
               (She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Leaving Jerry) See ya.

               
                             JERRY
               (To cashier) I'd like to speak with 
               the manager, please.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               NYC Street)

               
               (Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take 
               a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking 
               a rest)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule 
               as it is.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Stretching) Oh..

               
               (The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!

               
               (The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes 
               an attempt to chase it)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Woah! Wait!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!

               
               (Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)

               
                             ZACH
               (Optimistic) Well, this is the first 
               day of the rest of my life!
 
               
               (Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Waaaaahhhh!

               
               (Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, 
               Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts 
               walking, then running away from the
 
               
               crushed rickshaw)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Bookstore)

               
               (Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George 
               enter)
 
               
                             JERRY
               George? What are you doin' here?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't sell the book. It's been marked.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, I'm gonna steal another one, and 
               then return it. That way, everything 
               is even.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to straighten things out) You 
               defile one book, steal another, ask 
               for your money back - and to you that's 
               even?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm goin' in!

               
               (George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks 
               up to Jerry)
 
               
                             MANAGER
               Did you want to speak with the manager?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing 
               here the other day..
 
               
                             MANAGER
               Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm 
               sorry, our policy is we prosecute all 
               shoplifters.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a 
               lonely old man. All old people steal.
 
               
               
                             MANAGER
               That's right. That's why we stopped 
               carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest 
               with you, we've had a lot of trouble 
               with theft lately - and my boss says 
               I have to make an example to someone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So it could be anyone?

               
                             MANAGER
               I.. guess. As long as we catch him in 
               the act.
 
               
               (Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat 
               - and is trying to act innocent)
 
               
                             JERRY
               That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! 
               Swarm!
 
               
               (George is instantly surrounded by guards)

               
                             GEORGE
               No! Jerry!

               
               
               
               THE END

                


The Bookstore



Writers :   Spike Feresten  Darin Henry  Mark Jaffe
Genres :   Comedy


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