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                       THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1



                             Written by

                      Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I love it when you get your car back 
               from the car place, and it's got that 
               paper mat on the floor. Like they're 
               so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't 
               even want their shoes to touch the carpet. 
               Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he 
               looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in 
               goo, from head to toe. You can't even 
               see him. Although, I prefer that to 
               when they have the lab coat, The clipboard 
               and the nice glasses. Now you know you're 
               getting screwed. (as concerned car owner) 
               'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 
               'You better not. It's idling quietly 
               right now. I think it should stay overnight. 
               We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna 
               keep the bill running up.'
 
               
               
               
               (Yankee Stadium)

               
               Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing 
               in his
 
               wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and 
               looking
 
               flustered.

               
                             WILHELM
               And you can tell the players that I 
               reimburse the trainer for
 
               
               The cigarettes and the dive checks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?
 
               
               
                             WILHELM
               The trainer, George. Tell the players 
               I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the 
               matter with you? This is the third time 
               I've had to repeat myself.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.

               
                             WILHELM
               Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running 
               a ball club here
 
               
               George. You've got to pay attention.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know, sir. It won't happen again.
 
               
               
                             WILHELM
               Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment 
               for you... uh.
 
               
               Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he 
               opens the door to the men's room and strolls through.
 
               
                             WILHELM
               Lemme think here.

               
               George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks 
               better of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against 
               the wall by the door, to await Wilhelm's return.
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
               Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman
 
               
               enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Mr Peterman.

               
                             PETERMAN
               You know what a huge fan I am of John 
               F Kennedy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I do.

               
                             PETERMAN
               It was the Peace Corps that gave me 
               my start in this
 
               
               business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The pygmy pullover.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's 
               memorabilia. One item
 
               
               in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. 
               To me, they
 
               
               capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.

               
                             ELAINE
               Whatever.

               
                             PETERMAN
               But, unfortunately I will be out of 
               town with my lady-friend
 
               
               And therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you 
               would go in
 
               
               my stead.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd 
               be happy to. Uhm, how much
 
               
               d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high 
               are you willing
 
               
               to go?

               
                             PETERMAN
               I would see no trouble in spending up 
               to, say, ten thousand
 
               
               dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.

               
               He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Wow.

               
               
               
               (Yankee Stadium)

               
               George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting 
               a while.
 
               
               He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he 
               finds Wilhelm
 
               
               emerging from a stall, and still talking.

               
                             WILHELM
               ...when you're done George, and bring 
               it directly to me. Mr
 
               
               Steinbrenner is very interested in this.

               
               Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts 
               to bluff
 
               
               it out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, sir.

               
                             WILHELM
               (drying his hands and heading for the 
               door) Yes, George. I
 
               
               want you to make this project a top priority.

               
                             GEORGE
               I will, sir. Top priority.

               
                             WILHELM
               (exiting) Top priority.

               
                             GEORGE
               Top priority.

               
               George throws up his arms in despair.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So he walks out of the stall, he's been 
               talking the whole time.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He pulled an LBJ on you.

               
                             GEORGE
               LBJ?

               
                             JERRY
               Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his 
               staffers.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No kidding?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah. He'd hold national security 
               meetings in there. He
 
               
               planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed 
               to do. I don't even
 
               
               know what my assignment is.

               
                             JERRY
               Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there 
               was an echo in there.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't. He's been on my case about 
               not paying attention.
 
               
               Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.

               
                             JERRY
               You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up 
               question. Tell him
 
               
               you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.
 
               
               
               The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer 
               is
 
               
               carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating 
               the odd morsel. Newman
 
               
               has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one 
               of the bottles.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I have my keys...

               
                             KRAMER
               (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (catching keys) ...back, please?

               
                             KRAMER
               You shoulda come, Jerry.

               
                             NEWMAN
               We made quite a haul.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where'd you go?

               
                             KRAMER
               Price club.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why didn't you take your car?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't 
               know where it is.
 
               
               Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What're you doing. (fetching the bottle 
               from the trash) Don't
 
               
               throw that away.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, I'm not paying the five cents 
               for that stupid recycling
 
               
               thing.

               
                             KRAMER
               You don't pay five cents, you get five 
               cents back. Here, read
 
               
               the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, 
               New
 
               
               York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, 
               five cents.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (taking bottle) Refund?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what d'you think the hoboes are 
               doing?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't know, they're deranged.

               
               Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide, 
               Newman
 
               
               Still reading the bottle.

               
                             GEORGE
               Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a 
               lift back to my place?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. 
               I'm taking her to this
 
               
               Kennedy auction.

               
                             GEORGE
               Awright, I'll see you later.

               
               George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (peering at bottle label) What is this 
               'MI, ten cents'?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's Michigan. In Michigan you get 
               ten cents.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Ten cents!?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Wait a minute. You mean you get five 
               cents here, and ten cents
 
               
               there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan 
               for the
 
               
               difference.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, it doesn't work.

               
                             NEWMAN
               What d'you mean it doesn't work? You 
               get enough bottles
 
               
               together...

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you overload your inventory and 
               you blow your margins on
 
               
               gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.

               
                             JERRY
               (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking 
               that Michigan deposit
 
               
               bottle scam again, are you?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, I'm off that.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You tried it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch 
               the numbers. It drove
 
               
               me crazy.

               
                             JERRY
               (leaving) You two keep an eye on each 
               other?
 
               
                             NEWMAN/KRAMER
               (simultaneous) No problem. You bet.
 
               
               
               Jerry exits, shaking his head.

               
               
               
               (Sotheby's)

               
               An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform 
               with a
 
               
               lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around, 
               with catalogues
 
               
               And numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure you didn't hear my car 
               making a funny noise? I know
 
               
               Those two idiots did something to it.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots 
               a familiar face) Oh, my
 
               
               God, look who's here.

               
                             JERRY
               Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' 
               candy bar heiress.
 
               
               Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Sue Ellen.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Sue Ellen.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               I'm surprised to see you here. Come 
               to catch a glimpse of
 
               
               high society?

               
                             ELAINE
               (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, 
               I'm actually here to
 
               
               bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high 
               society.
 
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Well, I hope you find something that 
               fits your budget.
 
               
               Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their 
               way to
 
               
               their seats,

               
                             ELAINE
               (half under her breath and half to Jerry) 
               I... hate that woman.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching 
               TV,
 
               
               While Newman has been working something out on a pad.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too 
               much overhead. You got
 
               
               permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your 
               league.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I wanna learn. I want to know why.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Sotheby's)

               
               A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform.

               
                             ELAINE
               (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) 
               Oh. Those are handsome.
 
               
               Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Lot number seven forty-five. We have 
               a full set of golf
 
               
               clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in 
               the famous
 
               
               photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning 
               of the Bay of Pigs
 
               
               invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the 
               bidding at four
 
               
               thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand 
               dollars?
 
               
               A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               I have four thousand dollars. Do I have 
               five? (another
 
               
               person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. 
               Do I have six? Six
 
               
               thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) 
               Six. I have six
 
               
               thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?

               
               Elaine raises her paddle to bid.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired 
               person on the right.
 
               
               We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?

               
               Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               The president's own golf clubs. Leisure 
               life at Camelot.
 
               
               Sixty-five hundred going once...

               
               Jerry and Elaine think they've got them.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Eight thousand.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. 
               The bid is now
 
               
               eight thousand dollars.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's 
               starting in on the bidding
 
               
               now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               We have eighty-five...

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Nine thousand.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Nine thousand dollars.

               
                             JERRY
               Think she wants those clubs.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ninety-five hundred.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Ten thousand.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on 
               the left. Ten
 
               
               thousand going once...

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's your ceiling.

               
                             AUCTIONEER
               Ten thousand going twice...

               
               Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk.

               
                             ELAINE
               (determined) Eleven thousand!

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Twelve thousand.

               
                             ELAINE
               (angrier) Thirteen thousand!

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Fourteen thousand.

               
                             ELAINE
               (vicious) Fifteen thousand!!

               
               Jerry buries his face in his hands.

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Car)

               
               Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs 
               can be
 
               
               seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Peterman is gonna kill me.

               
                             JERRY
               I really thought you had her there at 
               seventeen thousand.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why didn't you stop me?

               
                             JERRY
               Do you hear this clunking?

               
                             ELAINE
               (listening) A little.

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Car, later)

               
               The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) 
               I'm gonna grab these from
 
               
               You later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alrighty, bye.

               
                             JERRY
               Bye.

               
               Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car, 
               when he
 
               
               Notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood.

               
                             JERRY
               What's going on here?

               
               Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh God!

               
               Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears, 
               it
 
               
               becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on 
               and around the engine
 
               
               compartment.

               
                             JERRY
               (angry) Oh, you idiots!

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch.

               
                             NEWMAN
               So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. 
               You know, go lean and
 
               
               mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry 
               enters) Hey, there he
 
               
               is.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. You put your groceries under the 
               hood of my car?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot 
               about those.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (to Kramer) That's where my missing 
               soda is.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. 
               The Triple-A guy said
 
               
               I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What 
               were you
 
               
               thinking?

               
                             KRAMER
               We ran outta space.

               
                             JERRY
               Now I gotta take the car down to Tony 
               and get it checked out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, Tony, he's good.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive 
               about the car. He
 
               
               makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with 
               it. I gotta get
 
               
               it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll 
               yell at me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, thank you.

               
               
               
               (Auto Shop)

               
               Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and 
               Tony is
 
               
               Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over 
               the roof and
 
               
               along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.

               
                             TONY
               (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this 
               car. Beautiful car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been 
               idling a little rough. I
 
               
               thought it might be time for a check up...

               
               Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and 
               begins
 
               
               Ferreting about.

               
                             JERRY
               There's really nothing wrong on the 
               inside.
 
               
                             TONY
               Well, the shift knob is loose. You know 
               about that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I hadn't noticed.

               
                             TONY
               (accusingly) Have you been picking at 
               it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Have I been picking at it? No. You know. 
               It's just wear and
 
               
               tear.

               
                             TONY
               (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The engine is really the only thing 
               that needs checking.
 
               
                             TONY
               You been rotating the tires?

               
                             JERRY
               Try to.

               
                             TONY
               (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! 
               Fifty-one percent of all
 
               
               turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'

               
               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
                             PETERMAN
               Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's 
               twice the amount I
 
               
               authorised you to spend.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but 
               once I saw them, I just
 
               
               couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her 
               subject) You know,
 
               
               certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly 
               flaunts herself in
 
               
               public without any regard...

               
                             PETERMAN
               Well, where are they?

               
                             ELAINE
               (ingratiatingly) They should be here 
               today.
 
               
               
               
               (George's Office)

               
               George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm
 
               
               
               walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, Mr Wilhelm.

               
                             WILHELM
               (entering the office) Yes George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, I was just uh... I just had one 
               little question about uh,
 
               
               My assignment.

               
                             WILHELM
               Yes, well I trust things are moving 
               smoothly. Mr
 
               
               Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. 
               No, but I really wanna
 
               
               attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was 
               just wondering... what
 
               
               do you think would be the very best way to get started?

               
                             WILHELM
               (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I was wondering...

               
                             WILHELM
               You mean you haven't been to payroll?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.
 
               
               
                             WILHELM
               Well, what's the problem? Now come on 
               George. I told the big
 
               
               man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!

               
               Wilhelm leaves.

               
                             GEORGE
               Payroll!!

               
               George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has 
               gone,
 
               
               and darts off down the corridor.

               
               
               
                             
               Payroll Office)

               
               A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello there. I'm George Costanza.

               
                             CLERK
               Yes?

               
                             GEORGE
               Assistant to the travelling secretary. 
               (fishing for a reaction)
 
               
               I'm uh, working on the project.

               
                             CLERK
               What project?

               
                             GEORGE
               Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big 
               payroll project.
 
               
                             CLERK
               You're gonna have to fill me in.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just 
               look around for a little
 
               
               while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse 
               me, uh, you can't come
 
               
               Back here.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look, I am under direct orders from 
               Mr Wilhelm. So if you have
 
               
               a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               Well, maybe I will.

               
                             GEORGE
               (spotting possible salvation) You know 
               what, I urge you to take
 
               
               it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what 
               I'm doing
 
               
               here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.

               
                             CLERK
               (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge 
               in payroll. Uh,
 
               
               there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?
 
               
               
               George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's 
               side of
 
               
               the converstion.

               
                             CLERK
               (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to 
               his other ear) Oh, I see.
 
               
               (listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. 
               Alright, thank
 
               
               you.

               
               The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant.

               
                             CLERK
               (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that 
               I doubted you. Whatever
 
               
               you need, just uh, make yourself at home.

               
                             GEORGE
               So he explained it all to you?

               
                             CLERK
               Yes, he explained it all very clearly.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What'd he tell you?

               
                             CLERK
               (upset) Look! You were right, I was 
               wrong! You don't have to
 
               
               humiliate me about it, alright!

               
               
               
               (Newman's Apartment}

               
               Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding 
               machine
 
               
               and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle 
               scam'. There
 
               
               are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the 
               table and maps of
 
               
               the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps 
               out a
 
               
               series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then 
               looks at what he's
 
               
               written on his pad.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Damn!

               
               Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his 
               mother.
 
               
               A thought occurs.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) 
               Wait a second.
 
               
               Mother's Day?!

               
               He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He 
               mouths
 
               
               numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he 
               finishes he tears the
 
               
               paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               (triumphant) Yessss!

               
               In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Ahaha!

               
               
               
               (Hallway)

               
               Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his 
               fist. He
 
               
               waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Come on Kramer!

               
               The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding 
               a
 
               
               razor, with

               
               foam on his face.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wha...?

               
                             NEWMAN
               It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, Newman, I told you to let this 
               thing go.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most 
               days, the post office
 
               
               sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting 
               facility in
 
               
               Sagenaw, Michigan.

               
                             KRAMER
               (interested) Uh-huh.

               
                             NEWMAN
               But, on the week before holidays, we 
               see a surge. On
 
               
               alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed 
               to the brim. And tomorrow,
 
               
               if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth 
               truck.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (realisation) Mother's Day.

               
                             NEWMAN
               The mother of all mail days. And guess 
               who signed up for the
 
               
               truck.

               
                             KRAMER
               A free truck? Oh boy, that completely 
               changes our cost
 
               
               structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (excited) We carry a coupla bags of 
               mail, and the rest is ours!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman, you magnificent bastard, you 
               did it!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (triumph) Let the collecting begin!
 
               
               
               They embrace joyfully.

               
               
               
               (Montage of scenes)

               
               A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches 
               into her
 
               
               bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box, 
               picks up the can
 
               
               and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by 
               the can's
 
               
               disappearance.

               
               Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack
 
               
               
               containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots 
               about beneath the
 
               
               plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle 
               to Newman, who drops
 
               
               it into his sack.

               
               In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf 
               behind
 
               
               Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind 
               him, takes the
 
               
               tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack.

               
               Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes 
               a
 
               
               shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few 
               coins onto the
 
               
               sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves 
               his cart to
 
               
               retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold 
               of the cart and
 
               
               races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking 
               a fist and yelling
 
               
               after him.

               
               Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer, 
               who
 
               
               Hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty 
               bottles already
 
               
               on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman 
               reluctantly
 
               
               begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps 
               him on the
 
               
               stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the 
               table.
 
               
               A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back 
               of a mail
 
               
               truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap 
               palms and
 
               
               shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle 
               closed.
 
               
               
               
                             
               George's Office)

               
               George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily 
               along the
 
               
               Corridor and enters the office.

               
                             WILHELM
               So...

               
               George snaps awake.

               
                             WILHELM
               ...did you go down to payroll?

               
                             GEORGE
               (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. 
               Very productive. Payroll...
 
               
               Paid off.

               
                             WILHELM
               (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll 
               be heading downtown then,
 
               
               huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.

               
                             WILHELM
               Well, I'm very interested to see how 
               this thing turns out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to 
               Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr
 
               
               Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip 
               really
 
               
               necessary, you know, for the project?

               
                             WILHELM
               Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. 
               It's all downtown.
 
               
               Just like the song says.

               
                             GEORGE
               The song?

               
                             WILHELM
               There's your answer. Downtown.

               
               Wilhelm leaves.

               
                             GEORGE
               (thoughtful) Downtown.

               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               George and Jerry in a booth.

               
                             JERRY
               The song Downtown? You mean the Petula 
               Clark song?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You sure he didn't just mention it because 
               you happened to be
 
               
               Going downtown?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think he was trying to tell me something, 
               like it had some
 
               
               sort of a

               
               meaning.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, so how does it go?

               
                             GEORGE
               'When you're alone, and life is making 
               you lonely, you can
 
               
               always go...'

               
                             JERRY
               '... downtown.'

               
                             GEORGE
               'Maybe you know some little places to 
               go, where they never
 
               
               close...'

               
                             JERRY
               '...downtown.'

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second. 'Little places to go, 
               where they never close.'
 
               
               What's a little place that never closes?

               
                             JERRY
               Seven-eleven?

               
                             GEORGE
               'Just listen to the music of the traffic, 
               in the city. Linger
 
               
               on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the 
               neon lights are
 
               
               pretty. The Broadway area?

               
                             JERRY
               No, that's midtown.

               
                             GEORGE
               'The lights are much brighter there. 
               You can forget all your
 
               
               troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'

               
                             JERRY
               '...down town.'

               
                             GEORGE
               'Things'll be great, when you're...'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               '...downtown.'

               
                             GEORGE
               I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, 'don't hang around and let your 
               troubles surround you.
 
               
               There are movie shows...'

               
                             GEORGE
               You think I should come clean? What 
               d'you think, you think I
 
               
               Should confess?

               
                             JERRY
               How can you lose?

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office)

               
               Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the 
               messages.
 
               
                             TONY
               Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the 
               shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better 
               come down, any time after four.
 
               
               Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings, 
               and Jerry
 
               
               answers.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, it's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, I need to come over and pick 
               up the clubs for Peterman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you know what?

               
                             ELAINE
               (worry) Oh no. What?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the 
               clubs in the car.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You left them in the car? How could 
               you leave them in the car?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I forgot.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, go down and get them.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't. The car's at the mechanics.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where 
               is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 
               'em up myself.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, you can't. He's working on the 
               car right now. You can not disturb him 
               while he's working. But I'm going down 
               there in like an hour, if you wanna 
               meet me down there. You know the place, 
               it's on fifty-sixth street?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Outside Auto Shop)

               
               Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still 
               real intense.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Tony.

               
                             TONY
               Thanks for coming in, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             TONY
               I think I know what's goin' on here, 
               and I just wanna hear it from you. But 
               I want you to be straight with me. Don't 
               lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor 
               oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) 
               From one of those quicky lube places, 
               isn't it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I change it so often, I mean to 
               come all the way down here...
 
               
                             TONY
               Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of 
               a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade 
               oil, you could damage vital engine parts. 
               Okay. (holds up component) See this 
               gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence 
               in that gasket.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I really wanna...

               
                             TONY
               Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul 
               the entire engine. But it's gonna take 
               a major commitment from you. You're 
               gonna have to keep it under sixty miles 
               an hour for a while. You gotta come 
               in, and you gotta get the oil changed 
               every thousand miles.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How much money is this gonna cost me?
 
               
               
                             TONY
               (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. 
               It's your own car we're Talking about. 
               You know you wrote the wrong mileage 
               down on the form? You barely know the 
               car. You don't know the mileage, you 
               don't know the tyre pressure. When was 
               the last time you even checked the washer 
               fluid?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The washer fluid is fine.

               
                             TONY
               (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, you know what, uhm... I just 
               wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring 
               it someplace else.
 
               
                             TONY
               What d'you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay 
               my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.
 
               
                             TONY
               Well, the car's on a lift.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, just get it down.

               
                             TONY
               (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, 
               wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it 
               around.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. Thank you, very much.

               
               Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Where's the car?

               
                             JERRY
               He's bringing it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Good.

               
               There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires 
               and 
               Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes 
               Jerry and Elaine and 
               Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the 
               car, and at each other in astonishment.

               
               
                             THE END



The Bottle Deposit Part 1



Writers :   Gregg Kavet  Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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