THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
I love it when you get your car back
from the car place, and it's got that
paper mat on the floor. Like they're
so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't
even want their shoes to touch the carpet.
Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he
looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in
goo, from head to toe. You can't even
see him. Although, I prefer that to
when they have the lab coat, The clipboard
and the nice glasses. Now you know you're
getting screwed. (as concerned car owner)
'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic)
'You better not. It's idling quietly
right now. I think it should stay overnight.
We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna
keep the bill running up.'
Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing
wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and
And you can tell the players that I
reimburse the trainer for
The cigarettes and the dive checks.
Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?
The trainer, George. Tell the players
I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the
matter with you? This is the third time
I've had to repeat myself.
Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.
Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running
a ball club here
George. You've got to pay attention.
I know, sir. It won't happen again.
Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment
for you... uh.
Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he
opens the door to the men's room and strolls through.
Lemme think here.
George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks
better of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against
the wall by the door, to await Wilhelm's return.
Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman
enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue.
Hi, Mr Peterman.
You know what a huge fan I am of John
It was the Peace Corps that gave me
my start in this
business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.
The pygmy pullover.
Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's
memorabilia. One item
in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs.
To me, they
capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.
But, unfortunately I will be out of
town with my lady-friend
And therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you
would go in
Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd
be happy to. Uhm, how much
d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high
are you willing
I would see no trouble in spending up
to, say, ten thousand
dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.
He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits.
George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting
He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he
emerging from a stall, and still talking.
...when you're done George, and bring
it directly to me. Mr
Steinbrenner is very interested in this.
Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts
(drying his hands and heading for the
door) Yes, George. I
want you to make this project a top priority.
I will, sir. Top priority.
(exiting) Top priority.
George throws up his arms in despair.
Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened.
So he walks out of the stall, he's been
talking the whole time.
He pulled an LBJ on you.
Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his
Oh yeah. He'd hold national security
meetings in there. He
planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.
Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed
to do. I don't even
know what my assignment is.
Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there
was an echo in there.
I can't. He's been on my case about
not paying attention.
Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.
You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up
question. Tell him
you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.
Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.
The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer
carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating
the odd morsel. Newman
has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one
of the bottles.
Can I have my keys...
(tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.
(catching keys) ...back, please?
You shoulda come, Jerry.
We made quite a haul.
Where'd you go?
Why didn't you take your car?
Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't
know where it is.
Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin.
What're you doing. (fetching the bottle
from the trash) Don't
throw that away.
Well, I'm not paying the five cents
for that stupid recycling
You don't pay five cents, you get five
cents back. Here, read
the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts,
York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup,
(taking bottle) Refund?
Well, what d'you think the hoboes are
I don't know, they're deranged.
Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide,
Still reading the bottle.
Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a
lift back to my place?
No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine.
I'm taking her to this
Awright, I'll see you later.
George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom.
(peering at bottle label) What is this
'MI, ten cents'?
That's Michigan. In Michigan you get
Wait a minute. You mean you get five
cents here, and ten cents
there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan
No, it doesn't work.
What d'you mean it doesn't work? You
get enough bottles
Yeah, you overload your inventory and
you blow your margins on
gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.
(re-entering) Hey, you're not talking
that Michigan deposit
bottle scam again, are you?
No, no, I'm off that.
You tried it?
Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch
the numbers. It drove
(leaving) You two keep an eye on each
(simultaneous) No problem. You bet.
Jerry exits, shaking his head.
An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform
lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around,
And numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter.
Are you sure you didn't hear my car
making a funny noise? I know
Those two idiots did something to it.
No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots
a familiar face) Oh, my
God, look who's here.
Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry'
candy bar heiress.
Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over.
Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.
Hi Sue Ellen.
Hi Sue Ellen.
I'm surprised to see you here. Come
to catch a glimpse of
(faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no,
I'm actually here to
bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.
I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high
Well, I hope you find something that
fits your budget.
Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their
(half under her breath and half to Jerry)
I... hate that woman.
Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching
While Newman has been working something out on a pad.
I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?
No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too
much overhead. You got
permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your
I wanna learn. I want to know why.
A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform.
(loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen)
Oh. Those are handsome.
Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.
Lot number seven forty-five. We have
a full set of golf
clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in
photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning
of the Bay of Pigs
invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the
bidding at four
thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand
A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid.
I have four thousand dollars. Do I have
person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars.
Do I have six? Six
thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid)
Six. I have six
thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?
Elaine raises her paddle to bid.
Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired
person on the right.
We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?
Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful.
The president's own golf clubs. Leisure
life at Camelot.
Sixty-five hundred going once...
Jerry and Elaine think they've got them.
Eight thousand. We have eight thousand.
The bid is now
eight thousand dollars.
(to Jerry) What is she doing? She's
starting in on the bidding
now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!
We have eighty-five...
Nine thousand dollars.
Think she wants those clubs.
Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...
Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on
the left. Ten
thousand going once...
Well, that's your ceiling.
Ten thousand going twice...
Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk.
(determined) Eleven thousand!
(angrier) Thirteen thousand!
(vicious) Fifteen thousand!!
Jerry buries his face in his hands.
Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs
seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car.
Peterman is gonna kill me.
I really thought you had her there at
Why didn't you stop me?
Do you hear this clunking?
(listening) A little.
(Jerry's Car, later)
The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building.
Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs)
I'm gonna grab these from
You later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.
Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car,
Notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood.
What's going on here?
Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood.
Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears,
becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on
and around the engine
(angry) Oh, you idiots!
Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch.
So we could put the bottles in a U-haul.
You know, go lean and
Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry
enters) Hey, there he
Hey. You put your groceries under the
hood of my car?
(to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot
(to Kramer) That's where my missing
And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese.
The Triple-A guy said
I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What
We ran outta space.
Now I gotta take the car down to Tony
and get it checked out.
Ah, Tony, he's good.
Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive
about the car. He
makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with
it. I gotta get
it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll
yell at me.
(offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'
No, thank you.
Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and
Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over
the roof and
along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.
(lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this
car. Beautiful car.
Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been
idling a little rough. I
thought it might be time for a check up...
Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and
There's really nothing wrong on the
Well, the shift knob is loose. You know
No, I hadn't noticed.
(accusingly) Have you been picking at
Have I been picking at it? No. You know.
It's just wear and
(disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.
The engine is really the only thing
that needs checking.
You been rotating the tires?
(sharp) You don't try to. You do it!
Fifty-one percent of all
turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'
Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's
twice the amount I
authorised you to spend.
I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but
once I saw them, I just
couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her
subject) You know,
certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly
flaunts herself in
public without any regard...
Well, where are they?
(ingratiatingly) They should be here
George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm
walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge.
Uh, Mr Wilhelm.
(entering the office) Yes George.
Hi, I was just uh... I just had one
little question about uh,
Yes, well I trust things are moving
Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.
Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth.
No, but I really wanna
attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was
just wondering... what
do you think would be the very best way to get started?
(confusion) Get started? I don't understand,
Well, I was wondering...
You mean you haven't been to payroll?
Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.
Well, what's the problem? Now come on
George. I told the big
man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!
George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has
and darts off down the corridor.
A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters.
Hello there. I'm George Costanza.
Assistant to the travelling secretary.
(fishing for a reaction)
I'm uh, working on the project.
Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big
You're gonna have to fill me in.
You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just
look around for a little
while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.
(blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse
me, uh, you can't come
Look, I am under direct orders from
Mr Wilhelm. So if you have
a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.
Well, maybe I will.
(spotting possible salvation) You know
what, I urge you to take
it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what
here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.
(on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge
in payroll. Uh,
there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?
George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's
(on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to
his other ear) Oh, I see.
(listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project.
The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant.
(apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that
I doubted you. Whatever
you need, just uh, make yourself at home.
So he explained it all to you?
Yes, he explained it all very clearly.
What'd he tell you?
(upset) Look! You were right, I was
wrong! You don't have to
humiliate me about it, alright!
Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding
and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle
are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the
table and maps of
the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps
series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then
looks at what he's
written on his pad.
Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his
A thought occurs.
Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes)
Wait a second.
He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He
numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he
finishes he tears the
paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad.
In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda.
Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his
waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin.
Come on Kramer!
The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding
foam on his face.
It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
Look, Newman, I told you to let this
No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most
days, the post office
sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting
But, on the week before holidays, we
see a surge. On
alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed
to the brim. And tomorrow,
if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth
(realisation) Mother's Day.
The mother of all mail days. And guess
who signed up for the
A free truck? Oh boy, that completely
changes our cost
structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
(excited) We carry a coupla bags of
mail, and the rest is ours!
Newman, you magnificent bastard, you
(triumph) Let the collecting begin!
They embrace joyfully.
(Montage of scenes)
A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches
bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box,
picks up the can
and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by
Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack
containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots
about beneath the
plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle
to Newman, who drops
it into his sack.
In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf
Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind
him, takes the
tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack.
Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes
shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few
coins onto the
sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves
his cart to
retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold
of the cart and
races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking
a fist and yelling
Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer,
Hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty
on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman
begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps
him on the
stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the
A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back
of a mail
truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap
shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle
George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily
Corridor and enters the office.
George snaps awake.
...did you go down to payroll?
(standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did.
Very productive. Payroll...
(pleased) Well then, I guess you'll
be heading downtown then,
Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.
Well, I'm very interested to see how
this thing turns out.
(to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to
Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr
Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip
necessary, you know, for the project?
Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George.
It's all downtown.
Just like the song says.
There's your answer. Downtown.
George and Jerry in a booth.
The song Downtown? You mean the Petula
You sure he didn't just mention it because
you happened to be
I think he was trying to tell me something,
like it had some
sort of a
Okay, so how does it go?
'When you're alone, and life is making
you lonely, you can
'Maybe you know some little places to
go, where they never
Wait a second. 'Little places to go,
where they never close.'
What's a little place that never closes?
'Just listen to the music of the traffic,
in the city. Linger
on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the
neon lights are
pretty. The Broadway area?
No, that's midtown.
'The lights are much brighter there.
You can forget all your
troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'
'Things'll be great, when you're...'
I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.
Well, 'don't hang around and let your
troubles surround you.
There are movie shows...'
You think I should come clean? What
d'you think, you think I
How can you lose?
(Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office)
Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the
Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the
shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better
come down, any time after four.
Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings,
Hi, it's me.
Listen, I need to come over and pick
up the clubs for Peterman.
Oh, you know what?
(worry) Oh no. What?
Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the
clubs in the car.
You left them in the car? How could
you leave them in the car?
Oh, go down and get them.
I can't. The car's at the mechanics.
Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where
is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick
'em up myself.
No, no, you can't. He's working on the
car right now. You can not disturb him
while he's working. But I'm going down
there in like an hour, if you wanna
meet me down there. You know the place,
it's on fifty-sixth street?
(resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.
(Outside Auto Shop)
Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still
Thanks for coming in, Jerry.
I think I know what's goin' on here,
and I just wanna hear it from you. But
I want you to be straight with me. Don't
lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor
oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful)
From one of those quicky lube places,
Well, I change it so often, I mean to
come all the way down here...
Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of
a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade
oil, you could damage vital engine parts.
Okay. (holds up component) See this
gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence
in that gasket.
I really wanna...
Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul
the entire engine. But it's gonna take
a major commitment from you. You're
gonna have to keep it under sixty miles
an hour for a while. You gotta come
in, and you gotta get the oil changed
every thousand miles.
How much money is this gonna cost me?
(contempt) Huh. I don't understand you.
It's your own car we're Talking about.
You know you wrote the wrong mileage
down on the form? You barely know the
car. You don't know the mileage, you
don't know the tyre pressure. When was
the last time you even checked the washer
The washer fluid is fine.
(angry) The washer fluid is not fine!
Alright, you know what, uhm... I just
wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring
it someplace else.
What d'you mean?
Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay
my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.
Well, the car's on a lift.
Well, just get it down.
(subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm,
wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it
Okay. Thank you, very much.
Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.
Hey. Where's the car?
He's bringing it.
There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires
Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes
Jerry and Elaine and
Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the
car, and at each other in astonishment.
The Bottle Deposit Part 1
Writers : Gregg Kavet Andy Robin
Genres : Comedy