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                       THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2



                             Written by

                      Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Outside Auto Shop)

               
               Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So? What'd they say?

               
                             JERRY
               They're sending a detective to my apartment 
               tomorrow.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What the hell were you thinking leaving 
               my clubs in that car?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I didn't count on my mechanic 
               pulling a Mary-Beth
 
               Whitehead, did I?

               
                             ELAINE
               What kind of maniac is this guy?

               
                             JERRY
               He's a very special maniac.

               
                             ELAINE
               What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why couldn't you take better care of 
               that car?!
 
               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
               Elaine at her desk. Peterman enters.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Well, are they here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be 
               a bit of a snag.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Snag?

               
                             ELAINE
               It seems that a psychotic mechanic has 
               absconded with my
 
               friend's car.

               
                             PETERMAN
               What does that have to do with my clubs?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               They happened to be in the back seat 
               at the time.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is talking with a police detective at his door.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               What was the suspect wearing at the 
               time of the incident?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt 
               that said 'Tony'. Lemme
 
               ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
 
               
               
                             DETECTIVE
               All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional 
               attachment,
 
               thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. 
               I'm gonna ask
 
               you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but 
               I think it'll
 
               help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Had I been taking...?

               
                             DETECTIVE
               Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you 
               zip over speed bumps?
 
               Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.

               
                             JERRY
               W-well, what does it matter? It's my 
               car, I can do whatever I
 
               want with it.

               
               The detective stares at Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Not that I would think of doing such 
               things.
 
               
                             DETECTIVE
               (making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, 
               we'll let you know if
 
               we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never 
               end up well.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.
 
               
               
               
                             
               George's Office)

               
               George sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he 
               has
 
               clutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy.

               
                             GEORGE
               (hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about 
               the project...
 
               
                             WILHELM
               That's what I came to talk to you about. 
               Great job George.
 
               (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I did?

               
                             WILHELM
               Oh yes, I read through it this morning. 
               I couldn't have done
 
               it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. 
               Good work
 
               George.

               
               Wilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               By now, George is looking much more pleased.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't get it. He assigns it to you, 
               you don't do it. Somehow
 
               it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe somebody did it and didn't take 
               credit for it. Maybe it
 
               was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I 
               have no idea
 
               who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you 
               know what? Jimmy
 
               crack corn and I don't care.

               
               
               (Mr Wilhelm's Home)

               
               Wilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking 
               to his
 
               wife, who's in another room.

               
                             WILHELM
               The gardener did a nice job planting 
               the rose bushes, didn't
 
               he dear?

               
                             MRS WILHELM
               You planted the rose bushes, dear.
 
               
               
                             WILHELM
               I did?

               
                             MRS WILHELM
               Yesterday. You remember.

               
                             WILHELM
               (thinks for a moment) That's right. 
               (pause) What's for dinner?
 
               
                             MRS WILHELM
               We just ate. Did you forget to take 
               your medicine?
 
               
               Wilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               A still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's 
               fridge.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The point is, however it got done, it's 
               done. So, any luck with
 
               the car?

               
                             JERRY
               No. The police have no leads (sitting 
               on the couch arm) and I
 
               just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               They don't consider it stolen, if you 
               wilfully give the guy the
 
               keys.

               
               The door opens and Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to George) Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective 
               say?
 
               
                             JERRY
               They're looking.

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta go.

               
               George leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up.

               
                             JERRY
               Y'hello.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               Mr Seinfeld?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               It's Detective McMahon...

               
               Elaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police'

               
                             DETECTIVE
               ...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. 
               Ah, I think you'd
 
               better get down here.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have 
               found the car.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (makes surprise noise) Are the clubs 
               in it? Ask him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are there golf clubs in the back?

               
                             DETECTIVE
               We really can't tell. You better bring 
               your service
 
               records.

               
               
               (Pier 38 Warehouse)

               
               The interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars 
               and
 
               parts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding 
               gear, etc.
 
               Detective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under 
               a white sheet.
 
               Jerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy.
 
               
               
                             YOUNG COP
               Watch where you step. There's quite 
               a bit of... grease.
 
               Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (indicating) This is Elaine Benes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (explaining) We used to date, but now 
               we're just friends.
 
               
                             DETECTIVE
               I see.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               I'm sorry to make you go through this, 
               but we need to make
 
               sure.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what's going on? What is this 
               thing?
 
               
                             DETECTIVE
               One of our patrolmen stumbled over this.
 
               
               
               He lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and 
               covers her mouth)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God!

               
               The young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim.
 
               
               
                             DETECTIVE
               The block is nearly split apart. We 
               found the overhead cams
 
               thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my God.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               And we know it's a Saab. The angle on 
               the Vee-6 is
 
               definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because 
               the drive train is
 
               all burnt out.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that smell?

               
                             DETECTIVE
               Look at the clutch.

               
               They look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uuh.

               
               The patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous.
 
               
               
                             YOUNG COP
               Excuse me.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               Whoever did this didn't just dismantle 
               it. I mean, they took
 
               their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went 
               out of their
 
               way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated 
               from the
 
               housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have 
               a turbo.
 
               
                             DETECTIVE
               Your car's not a turbo?

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's 
               a turbo, Elaine, a
 
               turbo!

               
                             ELAINE
               (sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.
 
               
               
               Elaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another 
               woman
 
               arrives.

               
                             WOMAN
               Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo 
               nine-thousand? Is it...
 
               (voice breaking) midnight blue?

               
                             DETECTIVE
               (condolences) Yes ma'am.

               
               
               (Mail Truck)

               
               Newman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER/NEWMAN
               (singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred 
               and ninety-nine
 
               bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and 
               ninety-nine bottles
 
               and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling 
               in five
 
               hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight 
               bottle and cans in
 
               the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles 
               and cans.
 
               We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...

               
               Their singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics. 
               But
 
               the pair still look gleeful.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car)

               
               The phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             TONY
               Hey Jerry, it's Tony.

               
                             JERRY
               Tony, where are you?

               
               The Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night.

               
                             TONY
               Aw look, I just want you to know that 
               the car is fine. I got her
 
               all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. 
               So there's nothing
 
               to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to 
               you.
 
               
               Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little.
 
               
               Jerry can hear the engine noise over the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Tony, y-you better bring that car back!
 
               
               
                             TONY
               (angry) Nobody's giving anything back! 
               You tried to take it from
 
               me, I don't forget that.

               
                             JERRY
               Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
 
               
               
                             TONY
               Oh, your car. You want your car back!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Tony.

               
                             TONY
               Listen, that registration may have your 
               name on it, Jerry. But
 
               this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.

               
               Tony hangs up the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               (exasperated) Where do I find these 
               guys?
 
               
               
               (Mail Truck)

               
               Kramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight.

               
                             NEWMAN
               How much gas we got?

               
                             KRAMER
               Three quarters of a tank.

               
               Newman punches the numbers into a calculator.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's better than we estimated.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two 
               cents better.
 
               
               They give a smug little laugh.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, no, that's not in the budget.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. 
               I mean, it might be a
 
               good investment.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's not a good investment, that's 
               a loss.
 
               
               A convertible black Saab passes the mail truck.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like 
               Jerry's. I'm gonna check
 
               out that license plate.

               
               He accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans 
               forward,
 
               straining to make out the plate.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, those are New York plates.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Is that Jerry's number?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know, but that's New York and 
               we're in Ohio. Those are
 
               pretty good odds.

               
               Kramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something.

               
                             NEWMAN
               What're you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm calling Jerry.

               
                             NEWMAN
               On what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Brought my phone.

               
               He pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck)

               
                             JERRY
               (answering phone) Y'hello.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence 
               plate number?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why, what's up?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for 
               his wallet) Hang on a
 
               second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.

               
                             KRAMER
               (checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's 
               it! That's it. Hey,
 
               uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought 
               it to the country.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well we're in the country and we're 
               right on his tail.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Good work Kramer, this is incredible.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right 
               on this guy like stink on
 
               a monkey! I'll check back with you.

               
               
               (Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment)

               
               The phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Elaine Benes.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my god, where is it?

               
                             JERRY
               It's somewhere in the country, they're 
               following 'em.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Are the clubs there?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm 
               waiting for them to call
 
               me back.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, I'm heading over right now.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Elaine enters at a rush.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's the status?

               
                             JERRY
               Last check-in, they were still on him.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, have they called the police yet?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, they won't call the police.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               They're afraid they'll get in trouble 
               for misusing a mail truck.
 
               Kramer doesn't want a record.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer has a record.

               
                             JERRY
               Not a Federal record.

               
               The phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine 
               picks up
 
               in the kitchen.

               
               
               (Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             ELAINE/JERRY
               Kramer?

               
                             JERRY
               What's going on?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, nothing. We're still following 
               him.
 
               
               Ahead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to 
               move onto
 
               the off-ramp.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, 
               he's gonna be going
 
               south on the one-thirty-five.

               
                             ELAINE
               Keep following him.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, alright, I'll follow him.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, we can't follow him, we're going 
               north to Michigan.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna 
               be taking us out of our
 
               way.

               
                             ELAINE
               I need those clubs.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, I want my car.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I don't know what to do.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles 
               here. I mean, this guy
 
               could be going to Arkansas.

               
                             JERRY
               Keep following him Kramer. don't let 
               me down.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we 
               can't afford a detour. Our
 
               budget won't hold it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I don't know what to do man!
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE/JERRY
               Right. Go right!/South!

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm 
               gonna go on the ramp.
 
               
               Kramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal 
               and
 
               the truck sways.

               
               
               (Mail Truck)

               
                             NEWMAN
               I hope you realise what you've done. 
               You've destroyed our whole
 
               venture.

               
                             KRAMER
               This ramp is steep.

               
                             NEWMAN
               All my work, my planning, my genius. 
               All for nought.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, look, we're pulling too much 
               weight. He's getting away
 
               from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.

               
               Newman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer 
               gets out
 
               of the driving seat.

               
                             NEWMAN
               What're you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               (climbing though into the back of the 
               truck) I'm gonna get
 
               something.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Are you crazy?

               
               The truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat.

               
                             KRAMER
               Keep your foot on the gas.

               
               Kramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey! You're not dumping those bottles 
               back there, are you?
 
               
               Kramer slides open the rear door of the truck.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! 
               We could cut our
 
               losses.

               
               Kramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look out below!!

               
               Car horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway. 
               Kramer
 
               grabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             
               Steinbrenner's Office)

               
               Steinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on 
               his
 
               desktop with a large powerful magnifying glass.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               (to himself) With this magnifying glass, 
               I feel like a
 
               scientist.

               
               There is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               You wanted to see me, sir?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Ah, come in George, come in.

               
               George strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident.
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you 
               worked on.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) Yes sir.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Let me ask you something, George. You 
               having any personal
 
               problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?

               
                             GEORGE
               (wondering where this is leading) No 
               sir.
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               What about drugs? You doing some of 
               that crack cocaine?
 
               You on the pipe?

               
                             GEORGE
               (worried now) No sir.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause 
               I got a flash for
 
               you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in 
               the belfry!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What're.. What're you talking about?
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               George, I've read this report. It's 
               very troubling, very
 
               troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.

               
               Two burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the 
               room
 
               behind George.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Okay, come on boys, come on in here. 
               George, this is Herb
 
               and Dan.

               
               George regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach 
               him and
 
               stand behind him, one on either shoulder.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               They're gonna take you away to a nice 
               place where you can
 
               get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law 
               was there
 
               for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. 
               They
 
               completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.
 
               
               
               Herb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that 
               report. That, that's not
 
               mine.

               
               Herb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office
 
               
               toward the door.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Of course you didn't George. Of course 
               you didn't write
 
               it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't do it! It..It just got done. 
               I don't know how it got
 
               done, but it did.

               
               As Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his 
               last
 
               stand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually 
               he is
 
               dragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Of course. Of course it got done. Things 
               get done all the
 
               time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your 
               job'll be waiting
 
               for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get 
               better George.
 
               Get better!

               
               
               (Mail Truck)

               
               The Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed 
               by the
 
               mail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger 
               seat.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (frustrated) Damn. I don't understand 
               this. I've ditched every
 
               bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...
 
               
               
               He looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought 
               occurs.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ...sluggish.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I went through all those bottles and 
               all those cans, for what?
 
               What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing 
               mailbags.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               (perks up) A pie stand? Where?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred 
               yards back.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will 
               ya.
 
               
               Kramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman 
               sticks
 
               his head out the window to peer back down the road.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Where? I..I..I don't see it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well open the door, you get a better 
               look.
 
               
               Newman slides back the door and leans out.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't see any pie...

               
               Kramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves 
               him out
 
               of the truck.

               
                             NEWMAN
               ...Aargh!

               
               As Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door 
               shut and
 
               drives away.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer!!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us 
               back.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (after speeding truck) Kramer!!

               
               In the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials.

               
                             KRAMER
               (shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat 
               man, and we're running
 
               lean. We're back on track, buddy!

               
               
               (Country Roadside)

               
               Newman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries 
               to thumb
 
               a ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia 
               to drivers.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Federal employee. Federal employee.
 
               
               
               Aside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues
 
               
               his trudge, a sour look on his face.

               
               (Countryside)

               
               Newman struggles up a steep slope.

               
               Newman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from 
               the
 
               vegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face 
               lights up. He
 
               stumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling, 
               before picking
 
               himself up and running up to the building.

               
               (Farm)

               
               Newman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As 
               he
 
               reaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the 
               window, he sees a
 
               pie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes 
               to his face. He
 
               turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens.
 
               
               
                             FARMER
               Hello stranger.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm 
               sorry to bother you, but
 
               I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by 
               a band of
 
               backwoods mail-hating survivalists.

               
                             FARMER
               Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, 
               we'll take care of you.
 
               This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. 
               Hot bath,
 
               hearty meal, clean bed.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, thank you, sir.

               
                             FARMER
               Just have one rule. Keep your hands 
               off my daughter.
 
               
               Just then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer.
 
               
               Blonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation.

               
               
               (Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race 
               along
 
               a quiet country road.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. 
               There's no escape. He's
 
               running scared, buddy.

               
               Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone 
               handset.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How's the gas situation?

               
                             KRAMER
               (checks dial) I got enough to get to 
               Memphis.
 
               
               In front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He's reaching in back. He's grabbing 
               at something.
 
               
               Tony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself.

               
                             KRAMER
               He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, 
               Jerry!!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Duck, Kramer! Duck!

               
               Kramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's
 
               
               mail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw 
               a golf club at me!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Those are JFK's golf clubs!

               
               Tony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces 
               off the
 
               windshield, leaving some cracks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club 
               hits) I'm under heavy
 
               fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!

               
                             ELAINE
               Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the 
               clubs!
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, 
               don't let him get away.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers 
               at the Saab) Oh no,
 
               he's taking out the woods!

               
               Tony flings a heavy wood at the truck.

               
                             KRAMER
               (noise)

               
               The Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club 
               after
 
               club over his shoulder and into the front of the truck.

               
                             KRAMER
               (yelling at Tony) You'll have to do 
               a lot better than that!
 
               
               Tony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against 
               the
 
               windshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel 
               runs over a club on
 
               the tarmac and the tyre bursts.

               
                             JERRY
               (hearing the noises) What's happening!
 
               
               
               The truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the 
               road.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               This truck is dying. We're losing him.
 
               
               
               The Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The 
               truck
 
               staggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam 
               and smoke erupts from
 
               under the hood.

               
                             KRAMER
               I think we lost him.

               
                             JERRY
               (disappointment) Dammit!

               
                             ELAINE
               (quietly) Can you stop and pick up those 
               clubs Kramer?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.
 
               
               
               Jerry hangs up.

               
               
               (Country)

               
               Kramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road. 
               He kicks
 
               the deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks 
               a club off
 
               the front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of 
               the radiator
 
               grille.

               
               Kramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He 
               comes
 
               upon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over 
               his shoulder, he
 
               continues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as 
               he goes.
 
               
               (Farm)

               
               Newman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen
 
               
               table. They are working their way through a generous meal.

               
                             FARMER
               Enjoy that mutton?

               
                             NEWMAN
               (mouth full) It's delicious mutton. 
               This is uh, this is outta
 
               sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.
 
               
               
               The farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her 
               fork,
 
               touching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing 
               with cutlery, but
 
               she's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and 
               tries to take a
 
               nonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and 
               he
 
               splutters.

               
                             FARMER
               That cider too strong for you?

               
                             NEWMAN
               No, no. I love strong cider. (for the 
               farmer's daughter's
 
               benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.

               
               The farmer's daughter licks her lips.

               
                             FARMER
               Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, 
               if you'd like to
 
               lend a hand.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (reluctant) You know, I don't really 
               know that much about uh..
 
               I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about 
               that.
 
               
                             FARMER
               Ahh, Susie here'll teach you.

               
               The farmer's daughter goes wide eyed.

               
                             FARMER
               Just gotta pull on the teat a little.
 
               
               
               Susie and Newman half-laugh nervously.

               
                             SUSIE
               (suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, 
               man around.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You know, those mail bags, they get 
               mighty heavy. I uh, I
 
               Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)

               
               The farmer looks at him oddly.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (breaking from his pose) Can I have 
               some gravy?
 
               
               
               (Institution)

               
               George is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free 
               hand is
 
               holding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are 
               a couple of
 
               inmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are 
               Pop and Deena Lazzari,
 
               previously seen in 'The Gum'.

               
                             GEORGE
               (desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! 
               I'm in the nuthouse!
 
               
                             DEENA
               I'll be back same time next week, Pop.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (quieter desperation) They took my belt, 
               Jerry. I got nothing
 
               to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here 
               now! Just tell 'em
 
               what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
 
               
               
               Deena spots George as she makes her way out of the room.

               
                             DEENA
               George?

               
               George looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the 
               phone.
 
               
                             DEENA
               I see you're finally getting some help.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs 
               Deena) Thank God you're
 
               here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people 
               that I'm okay.
 
               You know that I don't belong in here.

               
                             DEENA
               George, this is the best thing for you. 
               (she walks away)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!

               
               As he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and
 
               
               restrains him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
 
               
               
               George is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration 
               as
 
               the orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over.

               
                             POP
               Is that little Georgie C? How's the 
               folks? You still got that nice
 
               little car?

               
               
               (Countryside)

               
               Kramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps 
               up to
 
               the porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings 
               out and the
 
               farmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be 
               heard yelling
 
               angrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up 
               his trousers.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!

               
                             KRAMER
               What you doing?!

               
                             NEWMAN
               (pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! 
               Help me!
 
               
               Newman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes 
               the
 
               farmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter, 
               whose shirt is undone
 
               and hair is dishevelled.

               
                             KRAMER
               (takes one look and sets off after Newman) 
               Jeez!
 
               
                             FARMER
               (taking aim) I told you to keep away 
               from my daughter!
 
               
               As Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer 
               fires a
 
               shot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the 
               cover of the crop.
 
               Before the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel 
               of the shotgun
 
               downward, spoiling his aim.

               
                             SUSIE
               No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! 
               (waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman, 
               goodbye.
 
               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
               Elaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters 
               at a rush.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. 
               That's wonderful news. Where are they?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme 
               get 'em for you, Mr Peterman.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, 
               with none other than Ethel Kennedy. 
               A woman whose triumph in the face of 
               tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity 
               to procreate.
 
               
               Elaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs 
               are, of course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a 
               poor reaction. Peterman picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief 
               at the twisted metal.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The uh, the letter of, authenticity's 
               in the side pocket there.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such 
               a temper.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (spotting a chance to keep her job) 
               Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was 
               his slice. (she laughs nervously)
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               See you on Monday.

               
               Peterman picks up the bag and heads for the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               Have a good game.

               
               
                             THE END



The Bottle Deposit Part 2



Writers :   Gregg Kavet  Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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