THE BOYFRIEND PT 2
Written by
Larry David & Larry Levin
(New York State department of Labor)
MRS. SOKOL
Just sign here please.
GEORGE
I know who it was too. It was the guy
who interviewed me. He was
very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could
sell
latex like that (snaps fingers).
MRS. SOKOL
Sign that.
GEORGE
Who is this? (sees photo)
MRS. SOKOL
It's my daughta'
GEORGE
THIS is your daughter? My God! My God!
I I hope you don't mind my
saying. She is breathtaking.
MRS. SOKOL
Ya' think so?
GEORGE
Ah, would you take this picture away
from me. Take it away and get
it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.
MRS. SOKOL
You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
GEORGE
Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're
talking to? What are ya'... you
trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you
that.
MRS. SOKOL
I'm serious.
GEORGE
It's one think to not give me the extension
But to tease and to
torture me like this. There's no call for that.
MRS. SOKOL
Would you like her phone numba'?
MRS. SOKOL
Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say.
I, uh, where should I sign this
thing?
MRS. SOKOL
No no no, Don't worry about it.
(Fitzpatrick's Bar)
ELAINE
So tell me more about this game SIX.
KEITH
Well, there was two outs, bottom of
the tenth, we're one out away from losing
the series.
ELAINE
ooooh ahhh
(Mike and Carol's Apartment)
KRAMER
(to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
JERRY
(to baby) Hello. How are you/
CAROL
So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
JERRY
Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have
a very nice place here.
CAROL
So how do you think she looks like?
KRAMER
Lyndon Johnson.
CAROL
What? Lyndon Johnson?
JERRY
He's joking.
KRAMER
I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon
Johnson.
CAROL
Jerry, I can't believe it took you so
long to come see the baby. I kept saying
to
Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"
JERRY
I was saying the same thing.
CAROL
Let's take a picture. Michael, get the
camera.
JERRY
Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
MIKE
I don't know where it is.
CAROL
It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'.
Hurry up! ... He's such an idiot.
JERRY
Jerry, You want to pick her up?
JERRY
I better not.
KRAMER
I'll pick her up.
BABY
(cries)
(George's car)
CARRIE
Thank you for a wonderful time George.
GEORGE
Glad you enjoyed it.
CARRIE
I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
GEORGE
... millions and millions ...
CARRIE
Would you like to come up?
GEORGE
(pause) Would I like to come up? I would
love to come up. I, I'm fighting not
to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow.
Gotta' get up
and hit that pavement
CARRIE
But it's Saturday. all the offices are
closed.
GEORGE
I got me an appointment with a hardware
store. I'm not saying I want to do it
for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't
you love to make a
key?
CARRIE
Will you call me as soon as you get
home?
GEORGE
(pause) Tonight?
CARRIE
Yes.
GEORGE
Will I call you when I get home? ha
ha What do you think? ee, you kill me
kill me
CARRIE
Well. good night.(puckers up)
(Mike and Carol's Apartment)
KRAMER
Well it was an accident. Right Jerry
it was an accident. Ah, she's going
to be
all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
(Keith's car)
ELAINE
Well, thanks for a nice evening. It
was really fun.
KEITH
Yeah, it was. (mind) Gosh, should I
kiss her good night?
ELAINE
(mind) Is he going to try to kiss me?
ELAINE
I love Cajun cooking.
KEITH
Really, you know my mom's one quarter
Cajun.
ELAINE
Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha
ha
KEITH
Maybe they should get together. (mind)
Go ahead. Kiss her.
I'm a baseball player dammit.
ELAINE
(mind) What's he waiting for? I thought
he was a cool guy.
KEITH
(mind) Come on I won the MVP in 79.
I can do whatever I want to.
ELAINE
(mind) This is getting awkward.
KEITH
Well, goodnight
ELAINE
Good night
(they kiss - REALLY KISS)
ELAINE
(mind) Who does this guy think he is?
KEITH
(mind) I'm Keith Hernandez.
(Jerry's Apartment)
ELAINE
Uh, who else? ... Mookie. Mookie was there.
Do you know him?
JERRY
I don't know him. I know who he is.
ELAINE
Hum, he's such a great guy. You should
meet him. You know he's the one
who got that hit ...
JERRY
I know. He got the hit in game SIX.
So, so then what happened?
ELAINE
Nuthin'. Then he took me home.
JERRY
So, did you two, uh, ... have uh, ...
ELAINE
What?!
JERRY
... You know
ELAINE
Milk?
JERRY
No!
ELAINE
Cookies?
JERRY
Did he kiss you good night?
ELAINE
I dunno.
JERRY
What do you mean you don't know?
ELAINE
All right. He kissed me. Okay?
JERRY
Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a
peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make
out thing?
ELAINE
Between a peck and a make out.
JERRY
So, you like him.
ELAINE
I don't understand. Before you were
jealous of me. Now you're jealous of
him?
JERRY
Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.
(phone rings)
JERRY
hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? ... what?
oh um, sure, ... um, yeah, okay,
uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
ELAINE
Who was that?
JERRY
That was Keith.
ELAINE
What's going on?
JERRY
He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE
Help him move? Move what?
JERRY
You know, furniture.
ELAINE
So, what did you say?
JERRY
I said yes, but I don't feel right about
it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's
a
big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all
the way.
ELAINE
And you feel you're not really ready
for,...
JERRY
Well we went out one time. Don't you
think that's coming on a little too
strong?
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
What's going on?
JERRY
Keith Hernandez just asked me to help
him move.
KRAMER
What? Well, you hardly know the guy....
What a nerve. You see wasn't I
right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going
to do it are you?
JERRY
... I said yes.
KRAMER
YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride
or self respect? I mean, how
can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going
to do? You're going
to start driving him to the airport?
JERRY
I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!
..
KRAMER
yeah yeah
JERRY
hey Kramer do me a favour .
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Don't mention it to anybody.
KRAMER
I wish you never mentioned it to ME.
(exits)
(George's car)
GEORGE
I had a great time tonight Carrie. And
I am going to call you as soon as I
get
home.
CARRIE
Don't bottha
GEORGE
Bother, wa', what kind of bother?
CARRIE
I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.
GEORGE
Why? Is there anything wrong?
CARRIE
It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So
long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.
GEORGE
Why?
CARRIE
I bin thinkin about it. You got no job.
You got no prospects. You're like Biff
Loman.
GEORGE
I went to the hardware store interview.
CARRIE
You think I'm going to spend my life
with somebody because he can get me
a
deal on a box of nails?
GEORGE
I thought were a team.
CARRIE
If I ever need a drill bit I'll call
you. (exits car)
GEORGE
Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could
you not mention this to your
mother?
(Fitzpatrick's Bar)
KEITH
Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did
win eleven straight golden gloves.
ELAINE
(chuckles)
KEITH
I wouldn't have brought it up but since
you mentioned it.
ELAINE
Ha, I didn't mention it.
KEITH
Well I won them anyway.
ELAINE
Well so what. I mean you played first
base. I mean they always put the worst
player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.
KEITH
Elaine. you don't know the first thing
about first base.
ELAINE
ha ha well I know something about getting
to first base. And I know you'll
never be there.
KEITH
The way I figure it I've already been
there and I plan on rounding second
tonight at around eleven o'clock.
ELAINE
Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach
if I were you 'cause I don't think he's
waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're
really hitting it off. Get
it? Get it?
KEITH
Funny.
(Keith takes out a cigarette)
ELAINE
What are you doing?
KEITH
What's that?
ELAINE
You smoke?
KEITH
Yeah.
ELAINE
I didn't know you SMOKED.
KEITH
Is that a problem?
ELAINE
Uh, ...
(Monks)
JERRY
She likes him I mean she really likes
him.
GEORGE
How do you kn ow?
JERRY
Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And
I'm a guy.
GEORGE
I suppose he's an attractive man, I
, ...
JERRY
Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP(
1979. I'm making wise cracks in some
night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match.
They like go
together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples
that look alike.
GEORGE
Hate those couples. I could never bee
one of those couples. There are no bald
woman around. You know?
JERRY
You know I know this sounds a little
arrogant but I never thought she would
find
anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had
my chance and that's
that.
GEORGE
You know what I would like to do? I
would really like to have sex with a
tall
woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
What was the tallest woman you ever
slept with?
JERRY
I don't know ... six three.
GEORGE
Wow, ... god! You see this is all I think
about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my
life's ambition.
JERRY
So I guess it's fair to say you've set
different goals for yourself than say,
Thomas
Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
GEORGE
Magellan? You like Magellan?
JERRY
Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around
the world. Come on.
GEORGE
Who do you like?
GEORGE
I like DeSoto.
JERRY
DeSoto? What did he do?
GEORGE
Discovered the Mississippi.
JERRY
Oh. like they wouldn't have found that
anyway.
GEORGE
All right, I've got to go down to the
unemployment office. Wanna take a
walk?
JERRY
No I can't I've got some stuff to do
then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment
at three. I'm helping him move.
GEORGE
What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM
MOVE? Wow.
JERRY
I know isn't that something?
KRAMER
He's got money. Why doesn't he just
pay a mover?
JERRY
I don't know ... he's got some valuable
antiques, He's worried they'll break
something.
GEORGE
The next thing you know, he'll have
you driving him to the airport..
JERRY
I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
(New York State Department of lab or)
GEORGE
I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs.
Sokol. but nothing was good enough
for her.
MRS. SOKOL
Sign here please.
GEORGE
Ha, I don't know who she's looking for.
I don't know. I'll tell you something.
She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is
she looking for some
big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not
going to beg her.
MRS. SOKOL
All right just sign it. People are waiting.
GEORGE
You, uh, you like baseball? (picks up
baseball from desk)
MRS. SOKOL
That was autographed by the '86 Mets.
I saw every inning that year.
GEORGE
Funny, cause I happen to be very good
friends with Keith Hernandez.
MRS. SOKOL
You know Keith Hernandez.
GEORGE
Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet
him?
MRS. SOKOL
Oh, come on. Come on.
GEORGE
I can produce Keith Hernandez right
here within the hour.
MRS. SOKOL
All right. You got ONE hour.
GEORGE
All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal
Keith Hernandez will be right back.
(exits)
(Same phone booth)
(George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he
hops into a cab)
GEORGE
129 west 81st street and hurry.
(same cabby stares at him)
GEORGE
Goodbye (exits cab)
(Jerry's Apartment)
KEITH
Better bring your gloves, it's freezing
out there. It shouldn't take too long.
I'd
say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not
that much. First we got
the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.
JERRY
Is there a box spring?
KEITH
What's that?
JERRY
Is there a box spring?
KEITH
Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached
to the headboard and we'll have to take
that apart. Then we got the couch.
JERRY
Is that a sectional?
KEITH
Yeah. Twelve pieces. (not clear) ...coffee
table.
JERRY
Is that a thick marble?
(... Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith
so they don't make eye
contact and break up)
KEITH
Three inches thick. Got it in Italy.
But the BIG problem is going to be the
convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up
so it's going to be
real difficult getting it down the stairs.
JERRY
STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
KEITH
Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.
JERRY
I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do
it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't
know you. I
can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.
(Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take)
KRAMER
Hello.
KEITH
Hello.
KRAMER
Oh, you don't remember me.
KEITH
No should I (continuity error: in fact
he SHOULD from the basketball game)
KRAMER
Yeah, you should. I certainly remember
you. Let me refresh your memory.
(Newman enters)
NEWMAN
June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You
made a big error. Cost the Mets the
game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
KEITH
YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy."
KRAMER
Ah, you remember.
NEWMAN
And then you spit on us.
KEITH
Hey, I didn't spit at you.
NEWMAN
Oh, yeah, right.
KRAMER
No no no, well, then who was it?
KEITH
Well lookit, the way I remember it (back
to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was
walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when
you called me pretty
boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something
and as I turned
around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely
road. ...
Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you.
I tried to scream
out but it was too late. It was already on its way.
JERRY
I told you!
NEWMAN
Wow, it was McDowell.
JERRY
But why? Why McDowell?
KRAMER
Well, maybe because we were sitting
in the right field stands cursing at
him
in the bullpen all game.
NEWMAN
He must have caught a glimpse of us
when I poured that beer on his head.
NEWMAN
It was McDowell.
KRAMER
Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're
sorry.
NEWMAN
Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
KEITH
look guys, don't worry about it, I uh,
Well I guess I better get going.
KRAMER
Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
KEITH
I gotta move.
KRAMER
Want any help?
KEITH
I'd love some.
KRAMER
I'd love to help you move.
NEWMAN
Me too.
KEITH
Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one
thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile
We're going to have to handle it like a baby.
KRAMER
No sweat.
(they exit)
(phone rings)
JERRY
Hello, ... oh hi Elaine .. what's going
on ... no he just left ... you broke up
with him? ... ME TOO .. what happened? ... oh smoking you know you're
like
going out with C. Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through
with it ... I
just didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now? ... Oh, great
idea, I'll meet you
there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
(George frantically enters)
GEORGE
Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's
Keith?
JERRY
You just missed him. he just left. What
do you need him for?
GEORGE
(out the window) Keith, Keith, up here.
Can you do me a favor? I need you
to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend
... the guy from the
locker room, ... I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait.
Wait.
(sits down)
JERRY
Well Biff/ What's next?
GEORGE
I don't know.
(Tall girl enters)
TALL GIRL
Excuse me. I was walking behind you
and you dropped your wallet.
(Comedy club)
When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all
you think about is
boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the
street going in and out
of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean
it's all you think
about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate.
Shut up I'm looking
for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it
you can smell them. You walk
into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have
boxes. Dammit, I can
SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard
in the morning. You
could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and
your looking at the
casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got
that box? When he's
done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice
handles on it. And that's
what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The
hearse is like the van. The
pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask
to help you with a big
move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've
been waiting for your
whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.
THE END
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