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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE BOYFRIEND PT 2



                             Written by

                      Larry David & Larry Levin




 
               
               
               (New York State department of Labor)

               
                             MRS. SOKOL
               Just sign here please.

                             GEORGE
               I know who it was too. It was the guy 
               who interviewed me. He was
 
               very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could 
               sell
 
               latex like that (snaps fingers).

                             MRS. SOKOL
               Sign that.

                             GEORGE
               Who is this? (sees photo)

                             MRS. SOKOL
               It's my daughta'

                             GEORGE
               THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! 
               I I hope you don't mind my
 
               saying. She is breathtaking.

                             MRS. SOKOL
               Ya' think so?

                             GEORGE
               Ah, would you take this picture away 
               from me. Take it away and get
 
               it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.

                             MRS. SOKOL
               You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're 
               talking to? What are ya'... you
 
               trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you 
               that.
 
                             MRS. SOKOL
               I'm serious.

                             GEORGE
               It's one think to not give me the extension 
               But to tease and to
 
               torture me like this. There's no call for that.

                             MRS. SOKOL
               Would you like her phone numba'?

                             MRS. SOKOL
               Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. 
               I, uh, where should I sign this
 
               thing?

                             MRS. SOKOL
               No no no, Don't worry about it.

               
               (Fitzpatrick's Bar)

               
                             ELAINE
               So tell me more about this game SIX.
 
               
                             KEITH
               Well, there was two outs, bottom of 
               the tenth, we're one out away from losing
 
               
               the series.

                             ELAINE
               ooooh ahhh

               
               (Mike and Carol's Apartment)

                             KRAMER
               (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to baby) Hello. How are you/

                             CAROL
               So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have 
               a very nice place here.
 
                             CAROL
               So how do you think she looks like?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Lyndon Johnson.

                             CAROL
               What? Lyndon Johnson?

                             JERRY
               He's joking.

                             KRAMER
               I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon 
               Johnson.
 
                             CAROL
               Jerry, I can't believe it took you so 
               long to come see the baby. I kept saying 
               to
 
               Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"

                             JERRY
               I was saying the same thing.

                             CAROL
               Let's take a picture. Michael, get the 
               camera.
 
                             JERRY
               Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
 
               
                             MIKE
               I don't know where it is.

                             CAROL
               It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. 
               Hurry up! ... He's such an idiot.
 
                             JERRY
               Jerry, You want to pick her up?

                             JERRY
               I better not.

                             KRAMER
               I'll pick her up.

                             BABY
               (cries)

               
               (George's car)

               
                             CARRIE
               Thank you for a wonderful time George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Glad you enjoyed it.

                             CARRIE
               I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               ... millions and millions ...

                             CARRIE
               Would you like to come up?

                             GEORGE
               (pause) Would I like to come up? I would 
               love to come up. I, I'm fighting not
 
               
               to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. 
               Gotta' get up
 
               and hit that pavement

                             CARRIE
               But it's Saturday. all the offices are 
               closed.
 
                             GEORGE
               I got me an appointment with a hardware 
               store. I'm not saying I want to do it
 
               
               for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't 
               you love to make a
 
               key?

                             CARRIE
               Will you call me as soon as you get 
               home?
 
                             GEORGE
               (pause) Tonight?

                             CARRIE
               Yes.

                             GEORGE
               Will I call you when I get home? ha 
               ha What do you think? ee, you kill me
 
               
               kill me

                             CARRIE
               Well. good night.(puckers up)

               
               (Mike and Carol's Apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well it was an accident. Right Jerry 
               it was an accident. Ah, she's going 
               to be
 
               all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.

               
               (Keith's car)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, thanks for a nice evening. It 
               was really fun.
 
                             KEITH
               Yeah, it was. (mind) Gosh, should I 
               kiss her good night?
 
                             ELAINE
               (mind) Is he going to try to kiss me?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I love Cajun cooking.

                             KEITH
               Really, you know my mom's one quarter 
               Cajun.
 
                             ELAINE
               Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha 
               ha
 
                             KEITH
               Maybe they should get together. (mind) 
               Go ahead. Kiss her.
 
               I'm a baseball player dammit.

                             ELAINE
               (mind) What's he waiting for? I thought 
               he was a cool guy.
 
                             KEITH
               (mind) Come on I won the MVP in 79. 
               I can do whatever I want to.
 
                             ELAINE
               (mind) This is getting awkward.

                             KEITH
               Well, goodnight

                             ELAINE
               Good night

               (they kiss - REALLY KISS)

                             ELAINE
               (mind) Who does this guy think he is?
 
               
                             KEITH
               (mind) I'm Keith Hernandez.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, who else? ... Mookie. Mookie was there. 
               Do you know him?
 
                             JERRY
               I don't know him. I know who he is.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hum, he's such a great guy. You should 
               meet him. You know he's the one
 
               who got that hit ...

                             JERRY
               I know. He got the hit in game SIX. 
               So, so then what happened?
 
                             ELAINE
               Nuthin'. Then he took me home.

                             JERRY
               So, did you two, uh, ... have uh, ...

                             ELAINE
               What?!

                             JERRY
               ... You know

                             ELAINE
               Milk?

                             JERRY
               No!

                             ELAINE
               Cookies?

                             JERRY
               Did he kiss you good night?

                             ELAINE
               I dunno.

                             JERRY
               What do you mean you don't know?

                             ELAINE
               All right. He kissed me. Okay?

                             JERRY
               Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a 
               peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make
 
               
               out thing?

                             ELAINE
               Between a peck and a make out.

                             JERRY
               So, you like him.

                             ELAINE
               I don't understand. Before you were 
               jealous of me. Now you're jealous of
 
               
               him?

                             JERRY
               Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.

               (phone rings)

                             JERRY
               hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? ... what? 
               oh um, sure, ... um, yeah, okay,
 
               uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.

                             ELAINE
               Who was that?

                             JERRY
               That was Keith.

                             ELAINE
               What's going on?

                             JERRY
               He wants me to help him move.

                             ELAINE
               Help him move? Move what?

                             JERRY
               You know, furniture.

                             ELAINE
               So, what did you say?

                             JERRY
               I said yes, but I don't feel right about 
               it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's 
               a
 
               big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all 
               the way.
 
                             ELAINE
               And you feel you're not really ready 
               for,...
 
                             JERRY
               Well we went out one time. Don't you 
               think that's coming on a little too 
               strong?
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               What's going on?

                             JERRY
               Keith Hernandez just asked me to help 
               him move.
 
                             KRAMER
               What? Well, you hardly know the guy.... 
               What a nerve. You see wasn't I
 
               right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going 
               to do it are you?
 
                             JERRY
               ... I said yes.

                             KRAMER
               YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride 
               or self respect? I mean, how
 
               can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going 
               to do? You're going
 
               to start driving him to the airport?

                             JERRY
               I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! 
               ..
 
                             KRAMER
               yeah yeah

                             JERRY
               hey Kramer do me a favour .

                             KRAMER
               What?

                             JERRY
               Don't mention it to anybody.

                             KRAMER
               I wish you never mentioned it to ME. 
               (exits)
 
               
               (George's car)

                             GEORGE
               I had a great time tonight Carrie. And 
               I am going to call you as soon as I 
               get
 
               home.

                             CARRIE
               Don't bottha

                             GEORGE
               Bother, wa', what kind of bother?

                             CARRIE
               I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.

                             GEORGE
               Why? Is there anything wrong?

                             CARRIE
               It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So 
               long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.
 
                             GEORGE
               Why?

                             CARRIE
               I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. 
               You got no prospects. You're like Biff
 
               
               Loman.

                             GEORGE
               I went to the hardware store interview.
 
               
                             CARRIE
               You think I'm going to spend my life 
               with somebody because he can get me 
               a
 
               deal on a box of nails?

                             GEORGE
               I thought were a team.

                             CARRIE
               If I ever need a drill bit I'll call 
               you. (exits car)
 
                             GEORGE
               Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could 
               you not mention this to your
 
               mother?

               
               (Fitzpatrick's Bar)

                             KEITH
               Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did 
               win eleven straight golden gloves.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (chuckles)

                             KEITH
               I wouldn't have brought it up but since 
               you mentioned it.
 
                             ELAINE
               Ha, I didn't mention it.

                             KEITH
               Well I won them anyway.

                             ELAINE
               Well so what. I mean you played first 
               base. I mean they always put the worst
 
               
               player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.

                             KEITH
               Elaine. you don't know the first thing 
               about first base.
 
                             ELAINE
               ha ha well I know something about getting 
               to first base. And I know you'll
 
               never be there.

                             KEITH
               The way I figure it I've already been 
               there and I plan on rounding second
 
               
               tonight at around eleven o'clock.

                             ELAINE
               Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach 
               if I were you 'cause I don't think he's
 
               
               waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're 
               really hitting it off. Get
 
               it? Get it?

                             KEITH
               Funny.

               
               (Keith takes out a cigarette)

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing?

                             KEITH
               What's that?

                             ELAINE
               You smoke?

                             KEITH
               Yeah.

                             ELAINE
               I didn't know you SMOKED.

                             KEITH
               Is that a problem?

                             ELAINE
               Uh, ...

               
               (Monks)

               
                             JERRY
               She likes him I mean she really likes 
               him.
 
                             GEORGE
               How do you kn ow?

                             JERRY
               Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And 
               I'm a guy.
 
                             GEORGE
               I suppose he's an attractive man, I 
               , ...
 
                             JERRY
               Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP( 
               1979. I'm making wise cracks in some
 
               
               night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. 
               They like go
 
               together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples 
               that look alike.
 
                             GEORGE
               Hate those couples. I could never bee 
               one of those couples. There are no bald
 
               
               woman around. You know?

                             JERRY
               You know I know this sounds a little 
               arrogant but I never thought she would 
               find
 
               anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had 
               my chance and that's
 
               that.

                             GEORGE
               You know what I would like to do? I 
               would really like to have sex with a 
               tall
 
               woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

                             GEORGE
               What was the tallest woman you ever 
               slept with?
 
                             JERRY
               I don't know ... six three.

                             GEORGE
               Wow, ... god! You see this is all I think 
               about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my
 
               
               life's ambition.

                             JERRY
               So I guess it's fair to say you've set 
               different goals for yourself than say, 
               Thomas
 
               Edison, Magellan, these types of people.

                             GEORGE
               Magellan? You like Magellan?

                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around 
               the world. Come on.
 
                             GEORGE
               Who do you like?

                             GEORGE
               I like DeSoto.

                             JERRY
               DeSoto? What did he do?

                             GEORGE
               Discovered the Mississippi.

                             JERRY
               Oh. like they wouldn't have found that 
               anyway.
 
                             GEORGE
               All right, I've got to go down to the 
               unemployment office. Wanna take a
 
               
               walk?

                             JERRY
               No I can't I've got some stuff to do 
               then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment
 
               
               at three. I'm helping him move.

                             GEORGE
               What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM 
               MOVE? Wow.
 
                             JERRY
               I know isn't that something?

                             KRAMER
               He's got money. Why doesn't he just 
               pay a mover?
 
                             JERRY
               I don't know ... he's got some valuable 
               antiques, He's worried they'll break
 
               
               something.

                             GEORGE
               The next thing you know, he'll have 
               you driving him to the airport..
 
                             JERRY
               I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
 
               
               
               (New York State Department of lab or)

                             GEORGE
               I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. 
               Sokol. but nothing was good enough
 
               
               for her.

                             MRS. SOKOL
               Sign here please.

                             GEORGE
               Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. 
               I don't know. I'll tell you something.
 
               
               She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is 
               she looking for some
 
               big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not 
               going to beg her.
 
                             MRS. SOKOL
               All right just sign it. People are waiting.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You, uh, you like baseball? (picks up 
               baseball from desk)
 
                             MRS. SOKOL
               That was autographed by the '86 Mets. 
               I saw every inning that year.
 
                             GEORGE
               Funny, cause I happen to be very good 
               friends with Keith Hernandez.
 
                             MRS. SOKOL
               You know Keith Hernandez.

                             GEORGE
               Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet 
               him?
 
                             MRS. SOKOL
               Oh, come on. Come on.

                             GEORGE
               I can produce Keith Hernandez right 
               here within the hour.
 
                             MRS. SOKOL
               All right. You got ONE hour.

                             GEORGE
               All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal 
               Keith Hernandez will be right back.
 
               
               (exits)

               
               (Same phone booth)

               
               (George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he 
               hops into a cab)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               129 west 81st street and hurry.

               
               (same cabby stares at him)

               
                             GEORGE
               Goodbye (exits cab)

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             KEITH
               Better bring your gloves, it's freezing 
               out there. It shouldn't take too long. 
               I'd
 
               say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not 
               that much. First we got
 
               the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.

                             JERRY
               Is there a box spring?

                             KEITH
               What's that?

                             JERRY
               Is there a box spring?

                             KEITH
               Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached 
               to the headboard and we'll have to take
 
               
               that apart. Then we got the couch.

                             JERRY
               Is that a sectional?

                             KEITH
               Yeah. Twelve pieces. (not clear) ...coffee 
               table.
 
                             JERRY
               Is that a thick marble?

               
               (... Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith 
               so they don't make eye
 
               contact and break up)

               
                             KEITH
               Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. 
               But the BIG problem is going to be the
 
               
               convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up 
               so it's going to be
 
               real difficult getting it down the stairs.

                             JERRY
               STAIRS??? There's no elevator?

                             KEITH
               Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do 
               it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't 
               know you. I
 
               can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.

               
               (Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello.

                             KEITH
               Hello.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, you don't remember me.

                             KEITH
               No should I (continuity error: in fact 
               he SHOULD from the basketball game)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you should. I certainly remember 
               you. Let me refresh your memory.
 
               
               (Newman enters)

               
                             NEWMAN
               June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You 
               made a big error. Cost the Mets the
 
               
               game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.

                             KEITH
               YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy."
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, you remember.

                             NEWMAN
               And then you spit on us.

                             KEITH
               Hey, I didn't spit at you.

                             NEWMAN
               Oh, yeah, right.

                             KRAMER
               No no no, well, then who was it?

                             KEITH
               Well lookit, the way I remember it (back 
               to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was
 
               
               walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when 
               you called me pretty
 
               boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something 
               and as I turned
 
               around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely 
               road. ...
 
               Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. 
               I tried to scream
 
               out but it was too late. It was already on its way.

                             JERRY
               I told you!

                             NEWMAN
               Wow, it was McDowell.

                             JERRY
               But why? Why McDowell?

                             KRAMER
               Well, maybe because we were sitting 
               in the right field stands cursing at 
               him
 
               in the bullpen all game.

                             NEWMAN
               He must have caught a glimpse of us 
               when I poured that beer on his head.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               It was McDowell.

                             KRAMER
               Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're 
               sorry.
 
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
 
               
                             KEITH
               look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, 
               Well I guess I better get going.
 
                             KRAMER
               Wait, uh what are ya' doing?

                             KEITH
               I gotta move.

                             KRAMER
               Want any help?

                             KEITH
               I'd love some.

                             KRAMER
               I'd love to help you move.

                             NEWMAN
               Me too.

                             KEITH
               Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one 
               thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile
 
               
               We're going to have to handle it like a baby.

                             KRAMER
               No sweat.

               
               (they exit)

               
               (phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, ... oh hi Elaine .. what's going 
               on ... no he just left ... you broke up
 
               
               with him? ... ME TOO .. what happened? ... oh smoking you know you're 
               like
 
               going out with C. Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through 
               with it ... I
 
               just didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now? ... Oh, great 
               idea, I'll meet you
 
               there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.

               
               (George frantically enters)

                             GEORGE
               Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's 
               Keith?
 
                             JERRY
               You just missed him. he just left. What 
               do you need him for?
 
                             GEORGE
               (out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. 
               Can you do me a favor? I need you
 
               
               to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend 
               ... the guy from the
 
               locker room, ... I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. 
               Wait.
 
               
               (sits down)

               
                             JERRY
               Well Biff/ What's next?

                             GEORGE
               I don't know.

               
               (Tall girl enters)

               
                             TALL GIRL
               Excuse me. I was walking behind you 
               and you dropped your wallet.
 
               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
               When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all 
               you think about is
 
               boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the 
               street going in and out
 
               of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean 
               it's all you think
 
               about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. 
               Shut up I'm looking
 
               for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it 
               you can smell them. You walk
 
               into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have 
               boxes. Dammit, I can
 
               SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard 
               in the morning. You
 
               could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and 
               your looking at the
 
               casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got 
               that box? When he's
 
               done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice 
               handles on it. And that's
 
               what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The 
               hearse is like the van. The
 
               pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask 
               to help you with a big
 
               move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've 
               been waiting for your
 
               whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.
 
               
               
               
                                     THE END




The Boyfriend Part 2



Writers :   Larry David  Larry Levin
Genres :   Comedy


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