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ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE BRIS



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




           
          

          INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)
          
          

                       STAN          
          ...And so the baby's head comes
          
          out, and I'm screaming and my
          
          brother who's been videotaping
          the
          
          whole thing turns green, his eyes
          
          roll up in his head and he blacks
          
          out, drops the camera, the camera
          
          breaks, then , the placenta comes
          
          flying out.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Whoa.
          

                       STAN          
          And then doctor says...
          

                       JERRY          
          Thank you, that's enough.
          

                       JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE.
          MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH.
          HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.          

                       STAN          
          Will you look at that baby. Sucking
          like there's no tomorrow.
          
          Just sucking away. Suck, suck,
          suck...
          

                       JERRY          
          (LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
          

                       STAN          
          Look at that JERRY, look at that.          
          Sucking, sucking...
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah, I looked. I saw.
          

                       STAN          
          This doesn't make you uncomfortable,
          does it?
          

                       JERRY          
          Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE
          TO ELAINE) See your friend's          
          wife's breast sticking out - why
          would that make me          
          uncomfortable?
          

                       STAN          
          Look at him.
          

                       JERRY          
          How long do they do that?
          

                       STAN          
          Oh, a year or two.
          

                       JERRY          
          No break?
          

                       STAN          
          Then comes the weaning.
          

                       JERRY          
          So after the sucking, comes the
          weaning.
          

                       ELAINE          
          First the sucking then the weaning.
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, you gotta wean.
          

                       STAN          
          Gotta wean.
          

                       ELAINE          
          It's a must wean situation.
          

                       PAUSE.          

                       GEORGE          
          What about that spot I got?
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah, that's a great spot.
          

                       GEORGE          
          You open the door to the car, boom,
          you walk right into the
          
          hospital. You can't beat that spot.
          I'm on a roll. I am just
          
          willing these great parking spots.
          In front of my house. In front
          
          of JERRY's building. Did I tell
          you about the spot in front of
          
          the post office?
          

                       JERRY          
          Yes.
          

                       GEORGE          
          I'm driving to the post office.
          

                       JERRY          

                       (INTERRUPTING) GEORGE.          

                       GEORGE          
          Maybe the baby would like to see
          my spot. A positive, uplifting
          
          message to start his life out with.
          You can still get a great
          
          space in this town - if you apply
          yourself.
          

                       JERRY          
          Where's KRAMER? He should've been
          here by now.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Did you give him the room number?
          

                       JERRY          
          Yes, 1397.
          

                       CUT TO:          
          (KRAMER, Patient, Orderlies)
          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE B          

                       INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1
          

                       KRAMER, WANDERING.          

                       KRAMER          

                       1937, 1937, 1937...          

                       A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM          

                       PATIENT          
          Excuse me. Do you know where the
          staircase is?
          

                       KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.          

                       KRAMER          
          Uh.. over there...
          

                       PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER
          WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS          

                       WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.          

                       KRAMER (CONT'D)          

                       1937.          

                       HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES
          RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY          

                       SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.          

                       CUT TO:          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE C          

                       IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1          

                       KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A
          PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE          

                       THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD.
          HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS          

                       HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD
          TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE,
          HE          

                       BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND
          EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE          

                       CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK"
          OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS          

                       CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM,
          WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS          

                       INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A
          BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,          

                       SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.          

                       KRAMER          
          Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!
          

                       CUT TO:          
          (JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, STAN, Myra,
          KRAMER (Steven)
          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE D          

                       INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1          

                       STAN          
          ..So anyway, JERRY and ELAINE,
          we have something we want to ask
          
          you.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly
          equidistant from the car in
          
          front of me and the car behind
          me.
          

                       JERRY          
          Will you shut up.
          

                       ELAINE          
          I'm taking a cab home. I can't
          take it anymore.
          

                       JERRY          
          So what were you about to say,
          STAN?
          

                       STAN          
          Myra and I would like you and ELAINE
          to be the Godparents of
          
          Steven.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Wow.
          

                       JERRY          
          Me? A godfather?
          

                       STAN          
          Yes.
          

                       JERRY          
          (A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against
          the family, ELAINE.
          

                       ELAINE          
          What?
          

                       KRAMER ENTERS.          

                       KRAMER          
          The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He
          was just lying there and then he
          
          woke up. He looked up at me and
          made this horrible sound (MAKES
          

                       SOUND).          

                       GEORGE          
          KRAMER, what the hell are you talking
          about?
          

                       KRAMER          
          I'm talking about the pigman, GEORGE.
          I went into the wrong room
          
          and there he was.
          

                       GEORGE          
          A pigman?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.
          

                       ELAINE          
          That's nice, KRAMER... So, anyway,
          what exactly is involved in
          
          being a Godparent?
          

                       JERRY          
          (A LA DON CORLEIONE) ELAINE, don't
          ever ask me about my
          
          business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."
          

                       MYRA          
          Nothing really.
          

                       STAN          
          The most important thing is to
          help with the bris.
          

                       JERRY          
          The bris?
          

                       ELAINE          
          The bris?
          

                       KRAMER          
          A bris? you mean snip snip?
          

                       STAN          
          Yeah.
          

                       KRAMER          
          I would advise against that.
          

                       ELAINE          
          KRAMER. It's a tradition.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, so was sacrificing virgins
          to appease the gods, but we
          
          don't do that anymore.
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, maybe we should.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Why are all those people milling
          around my car?
          

                       KRAMER          
          I don't know.
          

                       JERRY          
          Maybe they're admiring your spot.
          

                       KRAMER          
          No. They're all looking up.
          

                       GEORGE.          
          Oh my god, there's somebody on
          the roof of the hospital.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Whoa. That's the guy who asked
          me where the staircase was.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!
          

                       BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE
          HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE          

                       THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S
          CAR.          

                       GEORGE          
          My car! My car!
          

                       GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.          

                       CUT TO:          

                       (JERRY GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE E          

                       INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)          

                       JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS
          HIS FACE BURIED IN THE          

                       NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.          

                       ELAINE          
          A mohel! What the hell is a mohel?
          

                       JERRY          
          A mohel is the person who performs
          the circumcision.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Where am I going to find a Mohel?
          
          (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES,
          MUTTERING) How do you find a
          
          mohel? Motels, models..
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece
          of cake. Any idiot can find a
          
          Mohel. I have the tough job. I
          have to hold the baby while they
          
          do it. How would you like that
          job?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Have you ever seen one?
          

                       JERRY          
          You mean that wasn't -
          

                       ELAINE          
          Yeah.
          

                       JERRY          
          No.. you?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Ya.
          

                       JERRY          
          What'd you think?
          

                       ELAINE          
          (SHAKES HER HEAD) No...
          

                       JERRY          
          Not good?
          

                       ELAINE          
          No, had no face, no personality,
          very dull. It was like a
          
          martian. But hey, that's me.
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey.
          

                       GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.          

                       GEORGE          
          Well I just got the estimate. It's
          going to cost more to fix that
          
          roof than the car's worth, So I'm
          gonna go see the hospital
          
          administrator today. Someone's
          paying for that damage and it's
          
          not gonna be me.
          

                       JERRY          
          Ah, you're screwed.
          

                       GEORGE          
          I know, swan dives from twenty
          floors, lands right on to it. What
          
          do I have a bulls eye on there?
          He couldn't move over two feet?
          
          Land on the sidewalk. That's city
          property.
          
          What are the chances, what are
          the odds? He couldn't do it again
          
          if his life depended on it...
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well I have to interview a Mohel.
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, poor ELAINE. Look at her. Attended
          the finest finishing
          
          schools on the Eastern seaboard.
          Equestrian competitions.
          
          Debutante balls. Well, look at
          you now. Interviewing Mohels.
          

                       SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING
          THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM          

                       OF REVELATION.          

                       JERRY          
          What's the matter?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Are you alright?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Don't even question my instincts,
          because my instincts are honed.
          
          (RE:PAPER) Look at that.
          

                       JERRY          
          What now?
          

                       HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER          

                       JERRY (CONT'D)          
          "Hospital receives grant to conduct
          DNA research".." Government
          
          funds genetic research at area
          hospital" ... Yeah, so?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Pigman, baby. Pigman.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh, if I hear about this pigman
          one more time...
          

                       KRAMER          
          I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive.
          The governments been
          
          experimenting with pigmen since
          the fifties.
          

                       JERRY          
          Will you stop it. Just because
          a hospital gets a grant to study
          
          DNA doesn't mean they are creating
          a race of mutant pigmen.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh. JERRY wake up to reality. It's
          military thing. They're
          
          probably creating a whole army
          of pig warriors.
          

                       GEORGE          
          I wish there were pigmen. You get
          a few of these pigmen walking
          
          around I'm looking a whole lot
          better. Then if somebody wants
          to
          
          fix me up at least they could say,
          "Hey he's no pig-man!"
          

                       JERRY          
          Believe me, there'd be plenty of
          women going for the pig-men. No
          
          matter what the deformity you'll
          find some group of perverts
          
          attracted to it. "Oo that little
          tail turns me on."
          

                       ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE
          DOOR.          

                       ELAINE          
          (MUMBLES) Alright, that's about
          enough
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, what's the matter you're not
          interested in this?
          

                       ELAINE          
          No, it's fascinating, could you
          do me a favor, could you tape the
          
          rest of the pigmen and the women
          who love them discussion and
          
          I'll listen to it next time I'm
          here. I've got to find a Mohel.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You should call this off, ELAINE.
          It's a barbaric ritual.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Perhaps one day when the pigmen
          roam free it will be stopped.
          
          Until then, off with their heads.
          

                       ELAINE LEAVES.          

                       GEORGE          
          But KRAMER, isn't it a question
          of hygiene?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you
          know, it makes sex more
          
          pleasurable.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yeah. So how does that help me?
          

                       JERRY          
          (TO GEORGE) Hey GEORGE, have you
          ever seen one?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yeah, my roommate in college.
          

                       JERRY          
          So what'd you think?
          

                       GEORGE          
          I got used to it.
          

                       DISSOLVE TO:          
           
          
           
          
           
          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE G          

                       (JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)          

                       INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2
          

                       JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE
          PASS IN HALLWAY.          

                       JERRY          
          Alright, I'm waiting. I want to
          see the pig-man. Show me the pig-
          
          man.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show
          him to you, and you'll never be
          
          the same.
          

                       JERRY          
          Maybe he's just a guy with a nose
          like this. You know a lot of
          
          people have a nose like this, they're
          not necessarily pig-men.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Believe me, JERRY, somewhere in
          this hospital the anguished oink
          
          of pigman cries for help.
          

                       JERRY          
          If I hear an anguished oink, I'm
          outta here.
          

                       KRAMER          
          I can't let this go on.
          

                       JERRY          
          Let me understand this. So if you
          find the pigman, your intention
          
          is to ...emancipate him?
          

                       KRAMER          
          That's right. (CALLING OUT)
          
          Sue-wee!
          

                       JERRY          
          KRAMER! well I don't see any pig-men.
          Look (HE POINTS AT
          
          PASSERBY) Human, human, human...
          

                       HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.          

                       JERRY (CONT'D)          
          (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!...
          Oh, that's GEORGE.
          

                       GEORGE APPROACHES.          

                       GEORGE          
          Okay. The administrator's on the
          third floor. I'll meet you guys
          
          by the car.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You got room for the pig-man?
          

                       GEORGE          
          The pig-man can take the bus.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You know, if pig-man had a car,
          he'd give you a ride.
          

                       GEORGE          
          How do you know? What if Pigman
          had a two-seater?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Come on GEORGE, be realistic.
          

                       GEORGE          
          All right, if pig-man comes along,
          we'll squeeze him in. I'll see
          
          you later.
          

                       GEORGE EXITS.          

                       CUT TO:          
          (GEORGE, Mrs. Sweedler)
          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE H          

                       INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE
          - DAY 2          

                       THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER,
          USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON          

                       EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.          

                       MRS. SWEEDLER          
          Mr. Costanza, come in, come in.
          It's been a very trying couple
          of
          
          days around the hospital. Patients,
          doctors, everyone, just grief
          
          stricken over this unfortunate
          occurrence.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Well, I join them in their grief.
          
          Mrs. Sweedler
          
          Horrible, just a horrible thing.
          Flew right past the children's
          
          wing. All the sick children, in
          the playroom, looking out the
          
          window, just traumatize by the
          incident. Apparently, they all
          
          thought he was flying. You know
          how children are, "Oh look. A man
          
          is flying. A man is flying" And
          then, splat...
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's
          where I come in. On splat. You
          
          see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital
          administrator Sweedler?
          
          Mrs. Sweedler
          
          Mrs. Sweedler's fine.
          

                       GEORGE          
          You see, that trudge affected me
          in a very, very personal way.
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          How is that?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes, you see, the deceased landed
          on my car. The splat, as it
          
          were, actually took place on the
          roof of my car. I can't help but
          
          think that had it been a convertible
          this whole tragedy may have
          
          been averted but I've never been
          the type to buy a convertible,
          
          what with the baldness and all.
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          Well I've known bald men who owned
          convertibles. They wore a hat.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Well then it's all pulled down.
          Anyway. The damage,
          
          unfortunately, has marred an otherwise
          fine automobile, rendering
          
          it virtually undriveable.
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          (STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is
          a shame.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes, a shame. That's just how I
          would describe it. Now, with all
          
          due sensitivity and discretion,
          bearing in mind the scope of the
          
          situation, I can't help but think
          the hospital bears some
          
          responsibility to compensate the
          other, still living "victim", of
          
          this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
          

                       SHE GLARES          
          Mrs.Sweedler
          
          Mr.Constanza.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes.
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          A man plummeted tragically to his
          ultimate demise -
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes.
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          ... and you greedily, callously
          try to profit from it.
          

                       GEORGE          

                       (PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS
          POCKET)          
          Well, profit. I think you'll see
          from the estimates that I'm not
          
          really profiting that much. They
          might be a little high, but..
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          (WITH ANGER) How dare you.
          

                       GEORGE          
          What?
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          Have you no decency? Have you no
          shame?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes.. you know, depending.
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          Get out! Get out, now! get out
          of my office.
          

                       GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE
          DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.          

                       GEORGE          
          Should I leave these with you?
          
          Mrs. SWEEDLER
          
          Get out!
          

                       HE EXITS.          

                       CUT TO:          

                       ACT ONE          

                       SCENE J          
          (JERRY, KRAMER, resident)
          

                       INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2          

                       KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S
          ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER          

                       STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT.
          JERRY TRIES TO LOOK          

                       INCONSPICUOUS.          

                       KRAMER          
          Excuse me. What happened to the
          man, that was in this room
          
          before?
          

                       RESIDENT          
          I don't know what you're talking
          about.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP
          WITH HIS THUMB).
          

                       RESIDENT          
          No.
          

                       KRAMER          
          (STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This
          doesn't look familiar to you?
          

                       RESIDENT          
          Sir?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Look, I know what's going on. Oink,
          oink.
          

                       RESIDENT          
          I really have some patients I have
          to attend to.
          

                       HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS
          HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM          

                       AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE
          OTHER WAY.          

                       KRAMER          
          (TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little
          quack, I know you had a half man
          
          half pig holed up in that room,
          there. Now where is he?! Where
          is
          
          he?!
          

                       RESIDENT          
          Half-what?
          

                       KRAMER          
          You know what - bacon, sausage,
          (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-
          
          deek th-th-th-that's all folks.
          

                       RESIDENT          
          Oh, the pig-man. They moved him
          down the hall.
          

                       KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO
          RUNS AWAY.          

                       JERRY          
          Alright KRAMER, enough of this.
          Let's go find GEORGE.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You go ahead.
          

                       KRAMER WALKS OFF.          

                       JERRY          

                       KRAMER          

                       BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.          

                       FADE OUT          

                       END OF ACT ONE          
           
          

                       ACT TWO          

                       SCENE K          
          (JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER,
          STAN, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,
          

                       (STEVEN))          

                       INT FLICKS' DAY 3          

                       JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS,
          AND ASSORTED GUESTS          

                       JERRY          
          Where's the Mohel?
          

                       ELAINE          
          He'll be here.
          

                       JERRY          
          He's late already.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Relax. You'd think you were getting
          whacked.
          

                       JERRY          
          How did I get to be Godfather?
          I don't even know him that well.
          
          Just cause we're on the softball
          team and I'm the pitcher and
          
          he's the catcher he thinks we have
          a relationship?
          

                       ELAINE          
          I thought pitchers and catchers
          did have a special rapport.
          

                       JERRY          
          Maybe in hardball it's more involved
          you know they have signals
          
          and everything. I'm just lobbing
          it in. We don't have
          
          conferences. He doesn't come out
          to the mound and encourage me.
          

                       ELAINE          
          What about me? I watched a few
          games with her sitting in the
          
          stands.
          

                       JERRY          
          Don't they have any closer friends.
          They're level jumping on our
          
          friendship.
          

                       ELAINE          
          yes it is level jumping.
          

                       ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.          

                       GEORGE          
          So uh... ever been to a bris before?
          

                       WOMAN          
          No.
          

                       GEORGE          
          If you fell little woozy, and it's
          quite common, just stay close
          
          to me. I'll get you through it.
          

                       WOMAN          
          I'm a cardiologist. I think I can
          manage.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Oh.
          

                       ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE
          IS SOBBING.          

                       KRAMER          
          Don't believe them when they tell
          you it doesn't hurt. It hurts
          
          bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine,
          this will be his first memory.
          
          Of someone yanking the hat off
          his little man. I know you love
          
          your baby, but what kind of perverts
          would stand idly by while a
          
          stranger rips the cover off his
          9-iron and then serve a catered
          
          lunch?
          

                       MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING          
          KRAMER (cont'd)
          
          She'll be okay.
          

                       HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY
          CONFRONTS KRAMER.          

                       ELAINE          
          What's wrong with you?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Me? What's wrong with you?! How
          can you let this go on?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Hey have you ever seen one of those?
          

                       KRAMER          
          No.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well I have and believe me it's
          no picnic.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, how bad could it be?
          

                       ELAINE          
          (TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody
          here ever seen one?
          

                       MAN          
          One what?
          

                       ELAINE          
          ... you know
          

                       MAN          
          I have.
          

                       WOMAN          
          I have.
          

                       ELAINE          
          And?
          

                       ALL          
          (SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...
          

                       GEORGE          
          I got used to it.
          

                       SFX: DOORBELL.          

                       RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE
          DOOR.          
          ALL (CONT'd)
          
          (ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel
          is here! Thank God, the mohel
          
          is here.
          

                       THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS
          IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.          

                       EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC
          PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS          

                       IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE
          ASSEMBLED GUESTS.          
           
          

                       MOHEL          
          Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's
          very nice to meet you all...
          

                       A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE
          MOHEL SNAPS.          

                       MOHEL (CONT'D)          
          Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared
          the hell out of me. My god. I
          
          almost had a heart attack!
          

                       THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.          

                       MOHEL (CONT'D)          
          (CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine,
          I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to
          
          perform the mitzvah of the bris
          and...
          

                       SFX: BABY CRYING          

                       MOHEL (CONT'D)          
          (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is
          the baby gonna cry like that? Is
          
          that how the baby cries, with the
          loud, sustained, squealing cry,
          
          'cause that could pose a problem.
          Do you have any control of your
          
          child 'cause this is the time to
          exercise it when baby is crying
          
          in that high-pitched, squealing
          tone that can drive you
          
          insane?!!!
          

                       MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER
          ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS          

                       FOREHEAD.          

                       ELAINE          
          Did you find the place alright?
          

                       MOHEL          
          Did I find it alright? I mean could
          you send me to a more
          
          dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading
          walking back to the subway,
          
          someone shouldn't crack me over
          the head and steal my bag,
          
          'accuse I'll be lying there on
          the street in this neighborhood
          
          and people will spit on me and
          empty my pockets. I'll lie in the
          
          gutter like a bum, like a dog,
          like a mutt, like an animal! God
          
          forbid someone should help me or
          call an ambulance. No, that's
          
          too much trouble to pick up a phone
          and press a few buttons. Ahh!
          
          What's the point.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Do you feel alright?
          

                       MOHEL          
          (TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling,
          you see where that glass is?
          
          How that glass is near the edge
          of the table. You got the whole
          
          table there to put the glass, why
          you chose the absolute edge, so
          
          half the glass is hanging off the
          table, you breath and that
          
          glass falls over, then you're gonna
          have broken glass on the
          
          carpet, embedded in the carpet
          fibers, deep, deep in the shag,
          
          broken glass, bits of broken glass
          that you never get out. you
          
          can't get it out with a vacuum
          cleaner. Even on your hands and
          
          knees with a magnifying glass,
          you can't get all the pieces, and
          
          then you think you got it all and
          two years later, you're walkin'
          
          barefoot and you step on a piece
          of broken glass and you kill
          
          yourself, is that what you want?
          I don't think you want that, is
          
          it? .. Do you?
          

                       THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE
          ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.          

                       ELAINE          
          (TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very
          highly recommended.
          

                       ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER          

                       KRAMER          
          (TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel
          is twitching.
          

                       MOHEL          
          Who's holding the baby? Hello!
          Who is holding the baby?!?
          

                       NO RESPONSE.          
          MOHEL (cont;d)
          
          (WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN
          LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?
          

                       ELAINE          
          JERRY is.. (TO JERRY) JERRY!
          

                       JERRY          
          (UNCERTAIN) Yeah.
          

                       ELAINE          
          JERRY go over there.
          

                       JERRY          
          All right.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Go.
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm going.
          

                       ELAINE          

                       C'MON          

                       JERRY          
          Don't push me.
          

                       MOHEL          
          Okay. you sit here. Bring out the
          baby. Bring out the baby. I
          
          need the baby!
          

                       KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM
          AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE          

                       BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER,
          HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS          

                       THE BABY TIGHTLY.          

                       KRAMER          
          I can't let you do this.
          

                       (AD-LIB KRAMER!          

                       EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.          

                       KRAMER.          
          I can't let you do this!
          

                       PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY
          THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS          

                       A STRUGGLE.          

                       ALL          
          (AD LIB) Let go of the baby! KRAMER!
          

                       KRAMER          
          No! No! I won't!
          

                       THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY
          FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.          

                       MOHEL          
          People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING
          AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This
          
          is a bris. We are performing a
          bris here, not a burlesque show.
          
          This is not a school play! This
          is not a baggy pants farce! This
          
          is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony,
          symbolizing the covenant
          
          between God and Abraham... or something.
          

                       THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS
          INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.          

                       MOHEL (CONT'D)          
          Damn.
          

                       PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.          

                       MOHEL (CONT'D)          
          No! Don't touch anything! Don't
          touch a thing! Away!
          
          (MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher
          butcher like my brother. The
          
          money's good. There's a union,
          with benefits. And, cows have no
          
          families. You make a mistake with
          a cow, you move on with your
          
          life... Anyway.
          

                       HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE
          TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE          

                       PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD.
          WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,          

                       NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES
          THE INSTRUMENT.          

                       ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS
          THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.          

                       SFX: CROWD SCREAMING.          

                       CUT TO:          

                       ACT TWO          

                       SCENE L          

                       (JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)          

                       INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3          

                       JERRY          
          Hurry up GEORGE! Step on it!
          

                       GEORGE          
          Alright, alright!
          

                       JERRY          
          That damn Mohel - he circumcised
          my finger! The mohel circumcised
          
          my finger!
          

                       ELAINE          
          You flinched.
          

                       JERRY          
          Flinched? I did not flinch. GEORGE,
          did I flinch?
          

                       ELAINE          
          How should he know He blacked out.
          He fainted.
          

                       GEORGE          
          It was very traumatic. But the
          last thing I remember is you
          
          flinching. Then, everything went
          black.
          

                       JERRY          
          Who's got a tissue? I need more
          tissues! Look at this thing. It's
          
          my phone finger!
          

                       GEORGE          
          Be careful, you're bleeding all
          over the car.
          

                       KRAMER          
          What about the baby?
          

                       JERRY          
          The baby's fine. They're just taking
          him to the hospital as a
          
          precautionary measure. I'm the
          one who's hurt. Look at me.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Will you stop it? You'll just need
          a few stitches.
          

                       JERRY          
          Stitches? I've never had stitched.
          I'll be deformed. I can't live
          
          with that. It goes against my whole
          personality. It's not me!
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hey look a this - boy are you lucky
          - another spot - right in
          
          front of the hospital. In an emergency
          yet! How lucky is that? Is
          
          that unbelievable? How unbelievable
          is that?
          
          Cut to:
          
          ACT two
          

                       SCENE          
          JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER,
          Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)
          

                       (GUARDS))          
          Int Hospital Day 3
          

                       JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER
          WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.          

                       JERRY          
          I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You'll be okay. I'll see you later.
          

                       KRAMER EXITS          

                       GEORGE          
          Where's he going?
          

                       ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.          
          GEORGE (con'td)
          
          I'm gonna look for a bathroom.
          

                       MOHEL ENTERS.          

                       JERRY          
          Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel!
          You did a hell of a
          
          circumcision there pal. But it's
          not supposed to be a finger.
          

                       MOHEL          
          (RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You
          flinched!
          

                       JERRY          
          Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get
          your degree from a matchbook?
          

                       MOHEL          
          (HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See!
          See! He flinched again!
          

                       JERRY          
          Good mohel picking, ELAINE. You
          picked a helluva mohel.
          

                       MOHEL          
          One more peep out of you and I'll
          slice you up like a smoked
          
          sturgeon.
          

                       JERRY          
          Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
          

                       MOHEL          
          Butcher Boy?!
          

                       JERRY          
          What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S
          FLINCHING) What was this?
          

                       MOHEL          
          What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)
          

                       JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.          
          MOHEL (cont;d)
          
          It was your fault!
          

                       JERRY          
          It was not!
          

                       ELAINE          
          JERRY, be careful. The Mohel's
          got a knife!
          

                       THE FLICKS ENTER.          

                       STAN          
          Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's
          going on here?
          

                       STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP
          OF FIGHT.          
          STAN (cont'd)
          
          You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
          

                       MOHEL          
          Ah, blood.
          

                       ELAINE          
          How's the baby?
          

                       STAN          
          The baby's fine. There's nothing
          wrong with the baby.
          

                       MOHEL          
          Thank god the flincher didn't harm
          the baby.
          

                       ALL          
          (AD LIB) Amen.
          

                       THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND
          WHISPERS.          

                       MOHEL          
          I will get you for this. This is
          my business, this is my life. No
          
          one ruins this for me. No on! (TO
          ELAINE) Here's my card.
          

                       THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY
          KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE          

                       HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG
          MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE          

                       AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT
          PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE          

                       MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.          

                       JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.          

                       DISSOLVE TO:          

                       ACT TWO          

                       SCENE N          

                       INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)
          

                       JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE
          WITH BANDAGED FINGER,          

                       JERRY          
          I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER)
          Look what they did to my boy,
          
          They massacred my boy.
          

                       ELAINE          
          You really do the worst Godfather
          I ever heard. You're not even
          
          close.
          

                       SFX:BUZZER          

                       JERRY          
          It's the Flicks.
          

                       GEORGE          
          (ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala.
          It was stolen right in front
          
          of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him
          take off in it. He's about five
          
          feet, hairless, pink complexion..
          well. he looks like a pig.
          
          Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.
          

                       KRAMER ENTERS.          

                       GEORGE          
          So any word? Did you hear from
          the "pigman?"
          

                       KRAMER          
          No.
          

                       GEORGE          
          And he's not a pigman is he?
          

                       KRAMER          
          NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat
          little mental patient.
          

                       THE FLICKS ENTER          

                       JERRY          
          Hi STAN, hi Myra.
          

                       ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA
          PULLS HIM AWAY.          

                       MYRA          
          Don't touch him
          

                       JERRY          
          What's wrong?
          

                       STAN          
          You're out, JERRY. You're out as
          Godfather. You too, ELAINE.
          
          You're both out.
          

                       ELAINE          

                       BUT-          

                       STAN          
          We want KRAMER.
          

                       KRAMER          
          (A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.
          

                       KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO
          EXIT          

                       JERRY          
          But I'm the pitcher. You're the
          catcher. We have a special
          
          relationship.
          

                       KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE
          THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT          

                       SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN
          THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING          

                       KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE
          WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE          

                       CRACK IN THE DOOR.          

                       STAN (CONT'D)          
          Godfather.
          

                       MYRA          
          Godfather.          
          
          

                       THE END 



The Bris



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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