THE BRIS
Written by
Larry Charles
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)
STAN
...And so the baby's head comes
out, and I'm screaming and my
brother who's been videotaping
the
whole thing turns green, his eyes
roll up in his head and he blacks
out, drops the camera, the camera
breaks, then , the placenta comes
flying out.
ELAINE
Whoa.
STAN
And then doctor says...
JERRY
Thank you, that's enough.
JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE.
MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH.
HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.
STAN
Will you look at that baby. Sucking
like there's no tomorrow.
Just sucking away. Suck, suck,
suck...
JERRY
(LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STAN
Look at that JERRY, look at that.
Sucking, sucking...
JERRY
Yeah, I looked. I saw.
STAN
This doesn't make you uncomfortable,
does it?
JERRY
Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE
TO ELAINE) See your friend's
wife's breast sticking out - why
would that make me
uncomfortable?
STAN
Look at him.
JERRY
How long do they do that?
STAN
Oh, a year or two.
JERRY
No break?
STAN
Then comes the weaning.
JERRY
So after the sucking, comes the
weaning.
ELAINE
First the sucking then the weaning.
JERRY
Well, you gotta wean.
STAN
Gotta wean.
ELAINE
It's a must wean situation.
PAUSE.
GEORGE
What about that spot I got?
JERRY
Yeah, that's a great spot.
GEORGE
You open the door to the car, boom,
you walk right into the
hospital. You can't beat that spot.
I'm on a roll. I am just
willing these great parking spots.
In front of my house. In front
of JERRY's building. Did I tell
you about the spot in front of
the post office?
JERRY
Yes.
GEORGE
I'm driving to the post office.
JERRY
(INTERRUPTING) GEORGE.
GEORGE
Maybe the baby would like to see
my spot. A positive, uplifting
message to start his life out with.
You can still get a great
space in this town - if you apply
yourself.
JERRY
Where's KRAMER? He should've been
here by now.
ELAINE
Did you give him the room number?
JERRY
Yes, 1397.
CUT TO:
(KRAMER, Patient, Orderlies)
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1
KRAMER, WANDERING.
KRAMER
1937, 1937, 1937...
A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM
PATIENT
Excuse me. Do you know where the
staircase is?
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.
KRAMER
Uh.. over there...
PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER
WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS
WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
1937.
HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES
RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY
SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A
PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE
THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD.
HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS
HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD
TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE,
HE
BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND
EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE
CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK"
OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS
CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM,
WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS
INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A
BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,
SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.
KRAMER
Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!
CUT TO:
(JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, STAN, Myra,
KRAMER (Steven)
ACT ONE
SCENE D
INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1
STAN
..So anyway, JERRY and ELAINE,
we have something we want to ask
you.
GEORGE
Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly
equidistant from the car in
front of me and the car behind
me.
JERRY
Will you shut up.
ELAINE
I'm taking a cab home. I can't
take it anymore.
JERRY
So what were you about to say,
STAN?
STAN
Myra and I would like you and ELAINE
to be the Godparents of
Steven.
ELAINE
Wow.
JERRY
Me? A godfather?
STAN
Yes.
JERRY
(A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against
the family, ELAINE.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He
was just lying there and then he
woke up. He looked up at me and
made this horrible sound (MAKES
SOUND).
GEORGE
KRAMER, what the hell are you talking
about?
KRAMER
I'm talking about the pigman, GEORGE.
I went into the wrong room
and there he was.
GEORGE
A pigman?
KRAMER
Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.
ELAINE
That's nice, KRAMER... So, anyway,
what exactly is involved in
being a Godparent?
JERRY
(A LA DON CORLEIONE) ELAINE, don't
ever ask me about my
business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."
MYRA
Nothing really.
STAN
The most important thing is to
help with the bris.
JERRY
The bris?
ELAINE
The bris?
KRAMER
A bris? you mean snip snip?
STAN
Yeah.
KRAMER
I would advise against that.
ELAINE
KRAMER. It's a tradition.
KRAMER
Well, so was sacrificing virgins
to appease the gods, but we
don't do that anymore.
JERRY
Well, maybe we should.
GEORGE
Why are all those people milling
around my car?
KRAMER
I don't know.
JERRY
Maybe they're admiring your spot.
KRAMER
No. They're all looking up.
GEORGE.
Oh my god, there's somebody on
the roof of the hospital.
KRAMER
Whoa. That's the guy who asked
me where the staircase was.
GEORGE
Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!
BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE
HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE
THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S
CAR.
GEORGE
My car! My car!
GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.
CUT TO:
(JERRY GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)
ACT ONE
SCENE E
INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)
JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS
HIS FACE BURIED IN THE
NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.
ELAINE
A mohel! What the hell is a mohel?
JERRY
A mohel is the person who performs
the circumcision.
ELAINE
Where am I going to find a Mohel?
(LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES,
MUTTERING) How do you find a
mohel? Motels, models..
JERRY
Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece
of cake. Any idiot can find a
Mohel. I have the tough job. I
have to hold the baby while they
do it. How would you like that
job?
ELAINE
Have you ever seen one?
JERRY
You mean that wasn't -
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
No.. you?
ELAINE
Ya.
JERRY
What'd you think?
ELAINE
(SHAKES HER HEAD) No...
JERRY
Not good?
ELAINE
No, had no face, no personality,
very dull. It was like a
martian. But hey, that's me.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.
GEORGE
Well I just got the estimate. It's
going to cost more to fix that
roof than the car's worth, So I'm
gonna go see the hospital
administrator today. Someone's
paying for that damage and it's
not gonna be me.
JERRY
Ah, you're screwed.
GEORGE
I know, swan dives from twenty
floors, lands right on to it. What
do I have a bulls eye on there?
He couldn't move over two feet?
Land on the sidewalk. That's city
property.
What are the chances, what are
the odds? He couldn't do it again
if his life depended on it...
ELAINE
Well I have to interview a Mohel.
JERRY
Oh, poor ELAINE. Look at her. Attended
the finest finishing
schools on the Eastern seaboard.
Equestrian competitions.
Debutante balls. Well, look at
you now. Interviewing Mohels.
SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING
THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM
OF REVELATION.
JERRY
What's the matter?
ELAINE
Are you alright?
KRAMER
Don't even question my instincts,
because my instincts are honed.
(RE:PAPER) Look at that.
JERRY
What now?
HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER
JERRY (CONT'D)
"Hospital receives grant to conduct
DNA research".." Government
funds genetic research at area
hospital" ... Yeah, so?
KRAMER
Pigman, baby. Pigman.
ELAINE
Oh, if I hear about this pigman
one more time...
KRAMER
I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive.
The governments been
experimenting with pigmen since
the fifties.
JERRY
Will you stop it. Just because
a hospital gets a grant to study
DNA doesn't mean they are creating
a race of mutant pigmen.
KRAMER
Oh. JERRY wake up to reality. It's
military thing. They're
probably creating a whole army
of pig warriors.
GEORGE
I wish there were pigmen. You get
a few of these pigmen walking
around I'm looking a whole lot
better. Then if somebody wants
to
fix me up at least they could say,
"Hey he's no pig-man!"
JERRY
Believe me, there'd be plenty of
women going for the pig-men. No
matter what the deformity you'll
find some group of perverts
attracted to it. "Oo that little
tail turns me on."
ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE
DOOR.
ELAINE
(MUMBLES) Alright, that's about
enough
JERRY
Oh, what's the matter you're not
interested in this?
ELAINE
No, it's fascinating, could you
do me a favor, could you tape the
rest of the pigmen and the women
who love them discussion and
I'll listen to it next time I'm
here. I've got to find a Mohel.
KRAMER
You should call this off, ELAINE.
It's a barbaric ritual.
ELAINE
Perhaps one day when the pigmen
roam free it will be stopped.
Until then, off with their heads.
ELAINE LEAVES.
GEORGE
But KRAMER, isn't it a question
of hygiene?
KRAMER
Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you
know, it makes sex more
pleasurable.
GEORGE
Yeah. So how does that help me?
JERRY
(TO GEORGE) Hey GEORGE, have you
ever seen one?
GEORGE
Yeah, my roommate in college.
JERRY
So what'd you think?
GEORGE
I got used to it.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE G
(JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2
JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE
PASS IN HALLWAY.
JERRY
Alright, I'm waiting. I want to
see the pig-man. Show me the pig-
man.
KRAMER
Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show
him to you, and you'll never be
the same.
JERRY
Maybe he's just a guy with a nose
like this. You know a lot of
people have a nose like this, they're
not necessarily pig-men.
KRAMER
Believe me, JERRY, somewhere in
this hospital the anguished oink
of pigman cries for help.
JERRY
If I hear an anguished oink, I'm
outta here.
KRAMER
I can't let this go on.
JERRY
Let me understand this. So if you
find the pigman, your intention
is to ...emancipate him?
KRAMER
That's right. (CALLING OUT)
Sue-wee!
JERRY
KRAMER! well I don't see any pig-men.
Look (HE POINTS AT
PASSERBY) Human, human, human...
HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.
JERRY (CONT'D)
(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!...
Oh, that's GEORGE.
GEORGE APPROACHES.
GEORGE
Okay. The administrator's on the
third floor. I'll meet you guys
by the car.
KRAMER
You got room for the pig-man?
GEORGE
The pig-man can take the bus.
KRAMER
You know, if pig-man had a car,
he'd give you a ride.
GEORGE
How do you know? What if Pigman
had a two-seater?
KRAMER
Come on GEORGE, be realistic.
GEORGE
All right, if pig-man comes along,
we'll squeeze him in. I'll see
you later.
GEORGE EXITS.
CUT TO:
(GEORGE, Mrs. Sweedler)
ACT ONE
SCENE H
INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE
- DAY 2
THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER,
USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON
EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.
MRS. SWEEDLER
Mr. Costanza, come in, come in.
It's been a very trying couple
of
days around the hospital. Patients,
doctors, everyone, just grief
stricken over this unfortunate
occurrence.
GEORGE
Well, I join them in their grief.
Mrs. Sweedler
Horrible, just a horrible thing.
Flew right past the children's
wing. All the sick children, in
the playroom, looking out the
window, just traumatize by the
incident. Apparently, they all
thought he was flying. You know
how children are, "Oh look. A man
is flying. A man is flying" And
then, splat...
GEORGE
Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's
where I come in. On splat. You
see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital
administrator Sweedler?
Mrs. Sweedler
Mrs. Sweedler's fine.
GEORGE
You see, that trudge affected me
in a very, very personal way.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
How is that?
GEORGE
Yes, you see, the deceased landed
on my car. The splat, as it
were, actually took place on the
roof of my car. I can't help but
think that had it been a convertible
this whole tragedy may have
been averted but I've never been
the type to buy a convertible,
what with the baldness and all.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
Well I've known bald men who owned
convertibles. They wore a hat.
GEORGE
Well then it's all pulled down.
Anyway. The damage,
unfortunately, has marred an otherwise
fine automobile, rendering
it virtually undriveable.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is
a shame.
GEORGE
Yes, a shame. That's just how I
would describe it. Now, with all
due sensitivity and discretion,
bearing in mind the scope of the
situation, I can't help but think
the hospital bears some
responsibility to compensate the
other, still living "victim", of
this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
SHE GLARES
Mrs.Sweedler
Mr.Constanza.
GEORGE
Yes.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
A man plummeted tragically to his
ultimate demise -
GEORGE
Yes.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
... and you greedily, callously
try to profit from it.
GEORGE
(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS
POCKET)
Well, profit. I think you'll see
from the estimates that I'm not
really profiting that much. They
might be a little high, but..
Mrs. SWEEDLER
(WITH ANGER) How dare you.
GEORGE
What?
Mrs. SWEEDLER
Have you no decency? Have you no
shame?
GEORGE
Yes.. you know, depending.
Mrs. SWEEDLER
Get out! Get out, now! get out
of my office.
GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE
DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.
GEORGE
Should I leave these with you?
Mrs. SWEEDLER
Get out!
HE EXITS.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE J
(JERRY, KRAMER, resident)
INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2
KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S
ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER
STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT.
JERRY TRIES TO LOOK
INCONSPICUOUS.
KRAMER
Excuse me. What happened to the
man, that was in this room
before?
RESIDENT
I don't know what you're talking
about.
KRAMER
You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP
WITH HIS THUMB).
RESIDENT
No.
KRAMER
(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This
doesn't look familiar to you?
RESIDENT
Sir?
KRAMER
Look, I know what's going on. Oink,
oink.
RESIDENT
I really have some patients I have
to attend to.
HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS
HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM
AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE
OTHER WAY.
KRAMER
(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little
quack, I know you had a half man
half pig holed up in that room,
there. Now where is he?! Where
is
he?!
RESIDENT
Half-what?
KRAMER
You know what - bacon, sausage,
(A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-
deek th-th-th-that's all folks.
RESIDENT
Oh, the pig-man. They moved him
down the hall.
KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO
RUNS AWAY.
JERRY
Alright KRAMER, enough of this.
Let's go find GEORGE.
KRAMER
You go ahead.
KRAMER WALKS OFF.
JERRY
KRAMER
BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE K
(JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER,
STAN, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,
(STEVEN))
INT FLICKS' DAY 3
JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS,
AND ASSORTED GUESTS
JERRY
Where's the Mohel?
ELAINE
He'll be here.
JERRY
He's late already.
ELAINE
Relax. You'd think you were getting
whacked.
JERRY
How did I get to be Godfather?
I don't even know him that well.
Just cause we're on the softball
team and I'm the pitcher and
he's the catcher he thinks we have
a relationship?
ELAINE
I thought pitchers and catchers
did have a special rapport.
JERRY
Maybe in hardball it's more involved
you know they have signals
and everything. I'm just lobbing
it in. We don't have
conferences. He doesn't come out
to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINE
What about me? I watched a few
games with her sitting in the
stands.
JERRY
Don't they have any closer friends.
They're level jumping on our
friendship.
ELAINE
yes it is level jumping.
ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.
GEORGE
So uh... ever been to a bris before?
WOMAN
No.
GEORGE
If you fell little woozy, and it's
quite common, just stay close
to me. I'll get you through it.
WOMAN
I'm a cardiologist. I think I can
manage.
GEORGE
Oh.
ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE
IS SOBBING.
KRAMER
Don't believe them when they tell
you it doesn't hurt. It hurts
bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine,
this will be his first memory.
Of someone yanking the hat off
his little man. I know you love
your baby, but what kind of perverts
would stand idly by while a
stranger rips the cover off his
9-iron and then serve a catered
lunch?
MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING
KRAMER (cont'd)
She'll be okay.
HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY
CONFRONTS KRAMER.
ELAINE
What's wrong with you?
KRAMER
Me? What's wrong with you?! How
can you let this go on?
ELAINE
Hey have you ever seen one of those?
KRAMER
No.
ELAINE
Well I have and believe me it's
no picnic.
KRAMER
Oh, how bad could it be?
ELAINE
(TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody
here ever seen one?
MAN
One what?
ELAINE
... you know
MAN
I have.
WOMAN
I have.
ELAINE
And?
ALL
(SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...
GEORGE
I got used to it.
SFX: DOORBELL.
RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE
DOOR.
ALL (CONT'd)
(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel
is here! Thank God, the mohel
is here.
THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS
IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.
EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC
PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS
IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE
ASSEMBLED GUESTS.
MOHEL
Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's
very nice to meet you all...
A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE
MOHEL SNAPS.
MOHEL (CONT'D)
Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared
the hell out of me. My god. I
almost had a heart attack!
THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.
MOHEL (CONT'D)
(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine,
I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to
perform the mitzvah of the bris
and...
SFX: BABY CRYING
MOHEL (CONT'D)
(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is
the baby gonna cry like that? Is
that how the baby cries, with the
loud, sustained, squealing cry,
'cause that could pose a problem.
Do you have any control of your
child 'cause this is the time to
exercise it when baby is crying
in that high-pitched, squealing
tone that can drive you
insane?!!!
MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER
ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS
FOREHEAD.
ELAINE
Did you find the place alright?
MOHEL
Did I find it alright? I mean could
you send me to a more
dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading
walking back to the subway,
someone shouldn't crack me over
the head and steal my bag,
'accuse I'll be lying there on
the street in this neighborhood
and people will spit on me and
empty my pockets. I'll lie in the
gutter like a bum, like a dog,
like a mutt, like an animal! God
forbid someone should help me or
call an ambulance. No, that's
too much trouble to pick up a phone
and press a few buttons. Ahh!
What's the point.
ELAINE
Do you feel alright?
MOHEL
(TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling,
you see where that glass is?
How that glass is near the edge
of the table. You got the whole
table there to put the glass, why
you chose the absolute edge, so
half the glass is hanging off the
table, you breath and that
glass falls over, then you're gonna
have broken glass on the
carpet, embedded in the carpet
fibers, deep, deep in the shag,
broken glass, bits of broken glass
that you never get out. you
can't get it out with a vacuum
cleaner. Even on your hands and
knees with a magnifying glass,
you can't get all the pieces, and
then you think you got it all and
two years later, you're walkin'
barefoot and you step on a piece
of broken glass and you kill
yourself, is that what you want?
I don't think you want that, is
it? .. Do you?
THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE
ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.
ELAINE
(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very
highly recommended.
ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER
KRAMER
(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel
is twitching.
MOHEL
Who's holding the baby? Hello!
Who is holding the baby?!?
NO RESPONSE.
MOHEL (cont;d)
(WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN
LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?
ELAINE
JERRY is.. (TO JERRY) JERRY!
JERRY
(UNCERTAIN) Yeah.
ELAINE
JERRY go over there.
JERRY
All right.
ELAINE
Go.
JERRY
I'm going.
ELAINE
C'MON
JERRY
Don't push me.
MOHEL
Okay. you sit here. Bring out the
baby. Bring out the baby. I
need the baby!
KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM
AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE
BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER,
HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS
THE BABY TIGHTLY.
KRAMER
I can't let you do this.
(AD-LIB KRAMER!
EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.
KRAMER.
I can't let you do this!
PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY
THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS
A STRUGGLE.
ALL
(AD LIB) Let go of the baby! KRAMER!
KRAMER
No! No! I won't!
THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY
FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.
MOHEL
People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING
AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This
is a bris. We are performing a
bris here, not a burlesque show.
This is not a school play! This
is not a baggy pants farce! This
is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony,
symbolizing the covenant
between God and Abraham... or something.
THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS
INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.
MOHEL (CONT'D)
Damn.
PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.
MOHEL (CONT'D)
No! Don't touch anything! Don't
touch a thing! Away!
(MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher
butcher like my brother. The
money's good. There's a union,
with benefits. And, cows have no
families. You make a mistake with
a cow, you move on with your
life... Anyway.
HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE
TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE
PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD.
WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,
NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES
THE INSTRUMENT.
ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS
THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.
SFX: CROWD SCREAMING.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE L
(JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)
INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3
JERRY
Hurry up GEORGE! Step on it!
GEORGE
Alright, alright!
JERRY
That damn Mohel - he circumcised
my finger! The mohel circumcised
my finger!
ELAINE
You flinched.
JERRY
Flinched? I did not flinch. GEORGE,
did I flinch?
ELAINE
How should he know He blacked out.
He fainted.
GEORGE
It was very traumatic. But the
last thing I remember is you
flinching. Then, everything went
black.
JERRY
Who's got a tissue? I need more
tissues! Look at this thing. It's
my phone finger!
GEORGE
Be careful, you're bleeding all
over the car.
KRAMER
What about the baby?
JERRY
The baby's fine. They're just taking
him to the hospital as a
precautionary measure. I'm the
one who's hurt. Look at me.
ELAINE
Will you stop it? You'll just need
a few stitches.
JERRY
Stitches? I've never had stitched.
I'll be deformed. I can't live
with that. It goes against my whole
personality. It's not me!
GEORGE
Hey look a this - boy are you lucky
- another spot - right in
front of the hospital. In an emergency
yet! How lucky is that? Is
that unbelievable? How unbelievable
is that?
Cut to:
ACT two
SCENE
JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER,
Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)
(GUARDS))
Int Hospital Day 3
JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER
WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
JERRY
I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.
KRAMER
You'll be okay. I'll see you later.
KRAMER EXITS
GEORGE
Where's he going?
ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.
GEORGE (con'td)
I'm gonna look for a bathroom.
MOHEL ENTERS.
JERRY
Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel!
You did a hell of a
circumcision there pal. But it's
not supposed to be a finger.
MOHEL
(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You
flinched!
JERRY
Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get
your degree from a matchbook?
MOHEL
(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See!
See! He flinched again!
JERRY
Good mohel picking, ELAINE. You
picked a helluva mohel.
MOHEL
One more peep out of you and I'll
slice you up like a smoked
sturgeon.
JERRY
Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
MOHEL
Butcher Boy?!
JERRY
What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S
FLINCHING) What was this?
MOHEL
What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)
JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.
MOHEL (cont;d)
It was your fault!
JERRY
It was not!
ELAINE
JERRY, be careful. The Mohel's
got a knife!
THE FLICKS ENTER.
STAN
Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's
going on here?
STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP
OF FIGHT.
STAN (cont'd)
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
MOHEL
Ah, blood.
ELAINE
How's the baby?
STAN
The baby's fine. There's nothing
wrong with the baby.
MOHEL
Thank god the flincher didn't harm
the baby.
ALL
(AD LIB) Amen.
THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND
WHISPERS.
MOHEL
I will get you for this. This is
my business, this is my life. No
one ruins this for me. No on! (TO
ELAINE) Here's my card.
THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY
KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE
HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG
MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE
AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT
PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE
MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.
JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE N
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)
JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE
WITH BANDAGED FINGER,
JERRY
I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER)
Look what they did to my boy,
They massacred my boy.
ELAINE
You really do the worst Godfather
I ever heard. You're not even
close.
SFX:BUZZER
JERRY
It's the Flicks.
GEORGE
(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala.
It was stolen right in front
of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him
take off in it. He's about five
feet, hairless, pink complexion..
well. he looks like a pig.
Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.
KRAMER ENTERS.
GEORGE
So any word? Did you hear from
the "pigman?"
KRAMER
No.
GEORGE
And he's not a pigman is he?
KRAMER
NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat
little mental patient.
THE FLICKS ENTER
JERRY
Hi STAN, hi Myra.
ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA
PULLS HIM AWAY.
MYRA
Don't touch him
JERRY
What's wrong?
STAN
You're out, JERRY. You're out as
Godfather. You too, ELAINE.
You're both out.
ELAINE
BUT-
STAN
We want KRAMER.
KRAMER
(A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.
KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO
EXIT
JERRY
But I'm the pitcher. You're the
catcher. We have a special
relationship.
KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE
THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT
SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN
THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING
KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE
WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE
CRACK IN THE DOOR.
STAN (CONT'D)
Godfather.
MYRA
Godfather.
THE END
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