INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)
...And so the baby's head comes
out, and I'm screaming and my
brother who's been videotaping
whole thing turns green, his eyes
roll up in his head and he blacks
out, drops the camera, the camera
breaks, then , the placenta comes
And then doctor says...
Thank you, that's enough.
JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE.
MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH.
HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.
Will you look at that baby. Sucking
like there's no tomorrow.
Just sucking away. Suck, suck,
(LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at that JERRY, look at that.
Yeah, I looked. I saw.
This doesn't make you uncomfortable,
Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE
TO ELAINE) See your friend's
wife's breast sticking out - why
would that make me
Look at him.
How long do they do that?
Oh, a year or two.
Then comes the weaning.
So after the sucking, comes the
First the sucking then the weaning.
Well, you gotta wean.
It's a must wean situation.
What about that spot I got?
Yeah, that's a great spot.
You open the door to the car, boom,
you walk right into the
hospital. You can't beat that spot.
I'm on a roll. I am just
willing these great parking spots.
In front of my house. In front
of JERRY's building. Did I tell
you about the spot in front of
the post office?
I'm driving to the post office.
Maybe the baby would like to see
my spot. A positive, uplifting
message to start his life out with.
You can still get a great
space in this town - if you apply
Where's KRAMER? He should've been
here by now.
Did you give him the room number?
(KRAMER, Patient, Orderlies)
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1
1937, 1937, 1937...
A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM
Excuse me. Do you know where the
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.
Uh.. over there...
PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER
WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS
WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.
HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES
RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY
SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.
IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1
KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A
PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE
THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD.
HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS
HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD
TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE,
BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND
EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE
CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK"
OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS
CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM,
WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS
INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A
BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,
SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.
Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!
(JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, STAN, Myra,
INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1
..So anyway, JERRY and ELAINE,
we have something we want to ask
Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly
equidistant from the car in
front of me and the car behind
Will you shut up.
I'm taking a cab home. I can't
take it anymore.
So what were you about to say,
Myra and I would like you and ELAINE
to be the Godparents of
Me? A godfather?
(A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against
the family, ELAINE.
The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He
was just lying there and then he
woke up. He looked up at me and
made this horrible sound (MAKES
KRAMER, what the hell are you talking
I'm talking about the pigman, GEORGE.
I went into the wrong room
and there he was.
Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.
That's nice, KRAMER... So, anyway,
what exactly is involved in
being a Godparent?
(A LA DON CORLEIONE) ELAINE, don't
ever ask me about my
business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."
The most important thing is to
help with the bris.
A bris? you mean snip snip?
I would advise against that.
KRAMER. It's a tradition.
Well, so was sacrificing virgins
to appease the gods, but we
don't do that anymore.
Well, maybe we should.
Why are all those people milling
around my car?
I don't know.
Maybe they're admiring your spot.
No. They're all looking up.
Oh my god, there's somebody on
the roof of the hospital.
Whoa. That's the guy who asked
me where the staircase was.
Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!
BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE
HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE
THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S
My car! My car!
GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.
(JERRY GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)
INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)
JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS
HIS FACE BURIED IN THE
NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.
A mohel! What the hell is a mohel?
A mohel is the person who performs
Where am I going to find a Mohel?
(LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES,
MUTTERING) How do you find a
mohel? Motels, models..
Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece
of cake. Any idiot can find a
Mohel. I have the tough job. I
have to hold the baby while they
do it. How would you like that
Have you ever seen one?
You mean that wasn't -
What'd you think?
(SHAKES HER HEAD) No...
No, had no face, no personality,
very dull. It was like a
martian. But hey, that's me.
GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.
Well I just got the estimate. It's
going to cost more to fix that
roof than the car's worth, So I'm
gonna go see the hospital
administrator today. Someone's
paying for that damage and it's
not gonna be me.
Ah, you're screwed.
I know, swan dives from twenty
floors, lands right on to it. What
do I have a bulls eye on there?
He couldn't move over two feet?
Land on the sidewalk. That's city
What are the chances, what are
the odds? He couldn't do it again
if his life depended on it...
Well I have to interview a Mohel.
Oh, poor ELAINE. Look at her. Attended
the finest finishing
schools on the Eastern seaboard.
Debutante balls. Well, look at
you now. Interviewing Mohels.
SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING
THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM
What's the matter?
Are you alright?
Don't even question my instincts,
because my instincts are honed.
(RE:PAPER) Look at that.
HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER
"Hospital receives grant to conduct
DNA research".." Government
funds genetic research at area
hospital" ... Yeah, so?
Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Oh, if I hear about this pigman
one more time...
I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive.
The governments been
experimenting with pigmen since
Will you stop it. Just because
a hospital gets a grant to study
DNA doesn't mean they are creating
a race of mutant pigmen.
Oh. JERRY wake up to reality. It's
military thing. They're
probably creating a whole army
of pig warriors.
I wish there were pigmen. You get
a few of these pigmen walking
around I'm looking a whole lot
better. Then if somebody wants
fix me up at least they could say,
"Hey he's no pig-man!"
Believe me, there'd be plenty of
women going for the pig-men. No
matter what the deformity you'll
find some group of perverts
attracted to it. "Oo that little
tail turns me on."
ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE
(MUMBLES) Alright, that's about
Oh, what's the matter you're not
interested in this?
No, it's fascinating, could you
do me a favor, could you tape the
rest of the pigmen and the women
who love them discussion and
I'll listen to it next time I'm
here. I've got to find a Mohel.
You should call this off, ELAINE.
It's a barbaric ritual.
Perhaps one day when the pigmen
roam free it will be stopped.
Until then, off with their heads.
But KRAMER, isn't it a question
Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you
know, it makes sex more
Yeah. So how does that help me?
(TO GEORGE) Hey GEORGE, have you
ever seen one?
Yeah, my roommate in college.
So what'd you think?
I got used to it.
(JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2
JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE
PASS IN HALLWAY.
Alright, I'm waiting. I want to
see the pig-man. Show me the pig-
Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show
him to you, and you'll never be
Maybe he's just a guy with a nose
like this. You know a lot of
people have a nose like this, they're
not necessarily pig-men.
Believe me, JERRY, somewhere in
this hospital the anguished oink
of pigman cries for help.
If I hear an anguished oink, I'm
I can't let this go on.
Let me understand this. So if you
find the pigman, your intention
is to ...emancipate him?
That's right. (CALLING OUT)
KRAMER! well I don't see any pig-men.
Look (HE POINTS AT
PASSERBY) Human, human, human...
HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.
(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!...
Oh, that's GEORGE.
Okay. The administrator's on the
third floor. I'll meet you guys
by the car.
You got room for the pig-man?
The pig-man can take the bus.
You know, if pig-man had a car,
he'd give you a ride.
How do you know? What if Pigman
had a two-seater?
Come on GEORGE, be realistic.
All right, if pig-man comes along,
we'll squeeze him in. I'll see
(GEORGE, Mrs. Sweedler)
INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE
- DAY 2
THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER,
USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON
EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.
Mr. Costanza, come in, come in.
It's been a very trying couple
days around the hospital. Patients,
doctors, everyone, just grief
stricken over this unfortunate
Well, I join them in their grief.
Horrible, just a horrible thing.
Flew right past the children's
wing. All the sick children, in
the playroom, looking out the
window, just traumatize by the
incident. Apparently, they all
thought he was flying. You know
how children are, "Oh look. A man
is flying. A man is flying" And
Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's
where I come in. On splat. You
see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital
Mrs. Sweedler's fine.
You see, that trudge affected me
in a very, very personal way.
How is that?
Yes, you see, the deceased landed
on my car. The splat, as it
were, actually took place on the
roof of my car. I can't help but
think that had it been a convertible
this whole tragedy may have
been averted but I've never been
the type to buy a convertible,
what with the baldness and all.
Well I've known bald men who owned
convertibles. They wore a hat.
Well then it's all pulled down.
Anyway. The damage,
unfortunately, has marred an otherwise
fine automobile, rendering
it virtually undriveable.
(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is
Yes, a shame. That's just how I
would describe it. Now, with all
due sensitivity and discretion,
bearing in mind the scope of the
situation, I can't help but think
the hospital bears some
responsibility to compensate the
other, still living "victim", of
this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
A man plummeted tragically to his
ultimate demise -
... and you greedily, callously
try to profit from it.
(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS
Well, profit. I think you'll see
from the estimates that I'm not
really profiting that much. They
might be a little high, but..
(WITH ANGER) How dare you.
Have you no decency? Have you no
Yes.. you know, depending.
Get out! Get out, now! get out
of my office.
GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE
DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.
Should I leave these with you?
(JERRY, KRAMER, resident)
INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2
KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S
ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER
STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT.
JERRY TRIES TO LOOK
Excuse me. What happened to the
man, that was in this room
I don't know what you're talking
You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP
WITH HIS THUMB).
(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This
doesn't look familiar to you?
Look, I know what's going on. Oink,
I really have some patients I have
to attend to.
HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS
HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM
AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE
(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little
quack, I know you had a half man
half pig holed up in that room,
there. Now where is he?! Where
You know what - bacon, sausage,
(A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-
deek th-th-th-that's all folks.
Oh, the pig-man. They moved him
down the hall.
KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO
Alright KRAMER, enough of this.
Let's go find GEORGE.
You go ahead.
KRAMER WALKS OFF.
BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.
END OF ACT ONE
(JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER,
STAN, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,
INT FLICKS' DAY 3
JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS,
AND ASSORTED GUESTS
Where's the Mohel?
He'll be here.
He's late already.
Relax. You'd think you were getting
How did I get to be Godfather?
I don't even know him that well.
Just cause we're on the softball
team and I'm the pitcher and
he's the catcher he thinks we have
I thought pitchers and catchers
did have a special rapport.
Maybe in hardball it's more involved
you know they have signals
and everything. I'm just lobbing
it in. We don't have
conferences. He doesn't come out
to the mound and encourage me.
What about me? I watched a few
games with her sitting in the
Don't they have any closer friends.
They're level jumping on our
yes it is level jumping.
ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.
So uh... ever been to a bris before?
If you fell little woozy, and it's
quite common, just stay close
to me. I'll get you through it.
I'm a cardiologist. I think I can
ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE
Don't believe them when they tell
you it doesn't hurt. It hurts
bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine,
this will be his first memory.
Of someone yanking the hat off
his little man. I know you love
your baby, but what kind of perverts
would stand idly by while a
stranger rips the cover off his
9-iron and then serve a catered
MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING
She'll be okay.
HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY
What's wrong with you?
Me? What's wrong with you?! How
can you let this go on?
Hey have you ever seen one of those?
Well I have and believe me it's
Oh, how bad could it be?
(TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody
here ever seen one?
... you know
(SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...
I got used to it.
RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE
(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel
is here! Thank God, the mohel
THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS
IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.
EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC
PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS
IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE
Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's
very nice to meet you all...
A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE
Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared
the hell out of me. My god. I
almost had a heart attack!
THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.
(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine,
I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to
perform the mitzvah of the bris
SFX: BABY CRYING
(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is
the baby gonna cry like that? Is
that how the baby cries, with the
loud, sustained, squealing cry,
'cause that could pose a problem.
Do you have any control of your
child 'cause this is the time to
exercise it when baby is crying
in that high-pitched, squealing
tone that can drive you
MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER
ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS
Did you find the place alright?
Did I find it alright? I mean could
you send me to a more
dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading
walking back to the subway,
someone shouldn't crack me over
the head and steal my bag,
'accuse I'll be lying there on
the street in this neighborhood
and people will spit on me and
empty my pockets. I'll lie in the
gutter like a bum, like a dog,
like a mutt, like an animal! God
forbid someone should help me or
call an ambulance. No, that's
too much trouble to pick up a phone
and press a few buttons. Ahh!
What's the point.
Do you feel alright?
(TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling,
you see where that glass is?
How that glass is near the edge
of the table. You got the whole
table there to put the glass, why
you chose the absolute edge, so
half the glass is hanging off the
table, you breath and that
glass falls over, then you're gonna
have broken glass on the
carpet, embedded in the carpet
fibers, deep, deep in the shag,
broken glass, bits of broken glass
that you never get out. you
can't get it out with a vacuum
cleaner. Even on your hands and
knees with a magnifying glass,
you can't get all the pieces, and
then you think you got it all and
two years later, you're walkin'
barefoot and you step on a piece
of broken glass and you kill
yourself, is that what you want?
I don't think you want that, is
it? .. Do you?
THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE
ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.
(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very
ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER
(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel
Who's holding the baby? Hello!
Who is holding the baby?!?
(WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN
LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?
JERRY is.. (TO JERRY) JERRY!
JERRY go over there.
Don't push me.
Okay. you sit here. Bring out the
baby. Bring out the baby. I
need the baby!
KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM
AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE
BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER,
HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS
THE BABY TIGHTLY.
I can't let you do this.
EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.
I can't let you do this!
PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY
THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS
(AD LIB) Let go of the baby! KRAMER!
No! No! I won't!
THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY
FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.
People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING
AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This
is a bris. We are performing a
bris here, not a burlesque show.
This is not a school play! This
is not a baggy pants farce! This
is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony,
symbolizing the covenant
between God and Abraham... or something.
THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS
INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.
PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.
No! Don't touch anything! Don't
touch a thing! Away!
(MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher
butcher like my brother. The
money's good. There's a union,
with benefits. And, cows have no
families. You make a mistake with
a cow, you move on with your
HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE
TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE
PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD.
WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,
NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES
ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS
THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.
SFX: CROWD SCREAMING.
(JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)
INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3
Hurry up GEORGE! Step on it!
That damn Mohel - he circumcised
my finger! The mohel circumcised
Flinched? I did not flinch. GEORGE,
did I flinch?
How should he know He blacked out.
It was very traumatic. But the
last thing I remember is you
flinching. Then, everything went
Who's got a tissue? I need more
tissues! Look at this thing. It's
my phone finger!
Be careful, you're bleeding all
over the car.
What about the baby?
The baby's fine. They're just taking
him to the hospital as a
precautionary measure. I'm the
one who's hurt. Look at me.
Will you stop it? You'll just need
a few stitches.
Stitches? I've never had stitched.
I'll be deformed. I can't live
with that. It goes against my whole
personality. It's not me!
Hey look a this - boy are you lucky
- another spot - right in
front of the hospital. In an emergency
yet! How lucky is that? Is
that unbelievable? How unbelievable
JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER,
Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)
Int Hospital Day 3
JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER
WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.
You'll be okay. I'll see you later.
Where's he going?
ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.
I'm gonna look for a bathroom.
Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel!
You did a hell of a
circumcision there pal. But it's
not supposed to be a finger.
(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You
Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get
your degree from a matchbook?
(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See!
See! He flinched again!
Good mohel picking, ELAINE. You
picked a helluva mohel.
One more peep out of you and I'll
slice you up like a smoked
Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S
FLINCHING) What was this?
What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)
JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.
It was your fault!
It was not!
JERRY, be careful. The Mohel's
got a knife!
THE FLICKS ENTER.
Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's
going on here?
STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
How's the baby?
The baby's fine. There's nothing
wrong with the baby.
Thank god the flincher didn't harm
(AD LIB) Amen.
THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND
I will get you for this. This is
my business, this is my life. No
one ruins this for me. No on! (TO
ELAINE) Here's my card.
THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY
KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE
HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG
MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE
AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT
PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE
MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.
JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)
JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE
WITH BANDAGED FINGER,
I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER)
Look what they did to my boy,
They massacred my boy.
You really do the worst Godfather
I ever heard. You're not even
It's the Flicks.
(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala.
It was stolen right in front
of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him
take off in it. He's about five
feet, hairless, pink complexion..
well. he looks like a pig.
Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.
So any word? Did you hear from
And he's not a pigman is he?
NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat
little mental patient.
THE FLICKS ENTER
Hi STAN, hi Myra.
ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA
PULLS HIM AWAY.
Don't touch him
You're out, JERRY. You're out as
Godfather. You too, ELAINE.
You're both out.
We want KRAMER.
(A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.
KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO
But I'm the pitcher. You're the
catcher. We have a special
KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE
THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT
SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN
THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING
KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE
WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE
CRACK IN THE DOOR.