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ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE BURNING



                           Written by

                       Jennifer Crittenden




 
               
               
               Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her 
               last minute
 
               instructions.

               
                             PUDDY
               Alright, be careful with the car, babe.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             PUDDY
               And don't move the seat, I got it right 
               where I like it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Goodbye?

               
                             PUDDY
               Two and ten, babe.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
                             PUDDY
               Don't peel out.

               
                             ELAINE
               I won't.

               
               is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the 
               stations but all
 
               of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said 
               unto
 
               Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" 
               She turns
 
               off the radio.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jesus?

               
               
               
               Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.
 
               
               
                             KRUGER
               According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger 
               Industrial Smoothing is
 
               heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. 
               Any thoughts?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, 
               I sometimes drop off my rent
 
               check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
 
               
               
                             KRUGER
               Works for me. Good thinking, George.
 
               
               
                             CO-WORKER 1
               Alright, George.

               
                             CO-WORKER 2
               Way to go man.

               
                             GEORGE
               Or we don't even send the check and 
               then when they call, we pretend
 
               we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here 
               Kruger."
 
               
                             KRUGER
               Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, 
               let's get real.
 
               
                             CO-WORKER 1
               Good one.

               
                             CO-WORKER 2
               That was bad.

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.

               
                             JERRY
               And then?

               
                             GEORGE
               I lost them. I can usually come up with 
               one good comment during a
 
               meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and 
               bad puns.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Showmanship, George. When you hit that 
               high note, you say goodnight and
 
               walk off.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't just leave.

               
                             JERRY
               That's the way they do it in Vegas.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You never played Vegas.

               
                             JERRY
               I hear things.

               
               Elaine enters and has a seat.

               
                             ELAINE
               Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and 
               all the presets on his radio
 
               were Christian rock stations.

               
                             GEORGE
               I like Christian rock. It's very positive. 
               It's not like those real
 
               musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, you think that Puddy actually believes 
               in something?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's a used car, he probably never changed 
               the presets.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, he is lazy.

               
                             JERRY
               Plus he probably doesn't even know how 
               to program the buttons.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, he is dumb.

               
                             JERRY
               So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Dumb and lazy, I understand.

               
                             GEORGE
               Tell you how you could check.

               
                             ELAINE
               How?

               
                             GEORGE
               Reprogram all the buttons, see if he 
               changes them back. You know? The
 
               old switcheroo.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison 
               your drink then you switch it
 
               with the other person's.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, it's doing the same thing to someone 
               that they did to you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing 
               to Puddy's radio that the radio
 
               did to her.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well that's the gist of it!

               
                             ELAINE
               Quiet! So where is this Sophie?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How long have you two been together?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here 
               she is. You wanna meet her?
 
               
                             ELAINE AND GEORGE
               Nah.

               
               Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.

               
                             GEORGE
               By the way, how did Puddy get back in 
               the picture?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I needed to move a bureau.

               
               
               
               Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?

               
                             MICKEY
               Hey Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes 
               violently) See? It should
 
               sound like that, something like that.

               
                             MICKEY
               Aah-choo.

               
                             KRAMER
               A little wetter. See, I didn't believe 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's with the fake sneezing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai 
               Hospital, See they hire actors to
 
               
               help the students practice diagnosing.

               
                             MICKEY
               They assign you a specific disease and 
               you act out the symptoms. It's
 
               an easy gig.

               
                             JERRY
               Do medical schools actually do this?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well the better ones. Alright, let's 
               practice retching.
 
               
                             KRAMER AND MICKEY
               HUAAHHH!!

               
                             JERRY
               I think the phone is ringing.

               
                             KRAMER AND MICKEY
               HUAAHHH!!

               
                             JERRY
               Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, 
               will you get out of here with
 
               that stuff?

               
                             KRAMER
               Mickey, DTs.

               
               Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             SOPHIE
               Hey. It's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine?

               
                             SOPHIE
               No, it's me.

               
                             JERRY
               George??

               
                             SOPHIE
               Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe 
               you don't recognize my voice.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. 
               I'm a comedian.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               You got any Ipecac?

               
                             JERRY
               Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys 
               are going too far with this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Did he overdose?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, it's just too much.

               
               
               
               Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

               
                             KRUGER
               ...And it gets worse. The team working 
               on the statue in Lafayette
 
               Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to 
               about the size of
 
               a softball, and that spells trouble.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, well why don't we smooth the 
               head down to nothing, stick a
 
               pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
 
               
               
               Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight
 
               
               everybody.

               
               
               
               Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes 
               to a group of
 
               people, Mickey and Kramer included.

               
                             DR. WEXLER
               In your packet you will find the disease 
               you have been assigned and
 
               the symptoms you will need to exhibit.

               
                             MICKEY
               Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!

               
                             KRAMER
               Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?

               
                             MICKEY
               Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of 
               diseases. Severe pain, nausea,
 
               delusions, it's got everything.

               
                             KRAMER
               Howbout you, do you wanna trade?

               
                             MAN
               Sure.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, what do you got?

               
                             MAN
               The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Good luck with that.

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked 
               the crowd and I was gone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did you do the rest of the day?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, 
               she's just a liar, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
 
               
               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello boys.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, so, did you give that radio the 
               old switcheroo?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I did.

               
                             GEORGE
               And the Christian rock?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ressurected! And look what I pried off 
               of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual 
               person?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well yeah, I got him because he seemed 
               so one-dimensional, I feel
 
               misled.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think it's neat. You don't hear that 
               much about god anymore.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me 
               the "It's me" on the phone today.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I thought so.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed 
               and egotistical, it's
 
               like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I got gonorrhea.

               
                             ELAINE
               That seems about right.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's what they gave me.

               
                             GEORGE
               They? The Government?

               
                             JERRY
               No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea 
               so med students can diagnose
 
               it.

               
                             KRAMER
               And it's a waste of my talent. It's 
               just a little burning. Mickey, he
 
               
               got bacterial meningitis.

               
                             GEORGE
               I guess there are no small diseases, 
               only small actors.
 
               
               The other three start laughing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright that's it for me. Good night 
               everybody.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               Showmanship, George is trying to get 
               out on a high note.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               See, showmanship. Maybe that's what 
               my gonorrhea is missing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt 
               that gonorrhea out to the back
 
               row.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people 
               feel my gonorrhea, and feel the
 
               gonorrhea themselves.

               
               
               
               Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med 
               students.
 
               
                             STUDENT #1
               And are you experiencing any discomfort?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Just a little burning during urination.
 
               
               
                             STUDENT #1
               Okay, any other pain?

               
                             KRAMER
               The haunting memories of lost love. 
               May I? (signals to Mickey)
 
               Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) 
               Our eyes met
 
               across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish 
               haberdasher.
 
               Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, 
               and so we
 
               danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination 
               that I would
 
               experience soon afterwards.

               
                             STUDENT #1
               Gonorrhea?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Gonorrhea!

               
               The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up 
               the lights and
 
               Kramer takes a bow.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking 
               his phone
 
               messages.

               
                             JERRY
               One message. Hope it's not from you.
 
               
               
                             ANSWERING MACHINE
               "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sophie.

               
                             GEORGE
               She's still doing that?

               
                             JERRY
               Yep.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, I'll tell you what you do. 
               You call her back and give her the
 
               
               "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.

               
                             JERRY
               I think that's a "what's good for the 
               goose is good for the gander".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What the hell is a gander, anyway?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's a goose that's had the old

               switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.

               
                             SOPHIE
               Hey Raef.

               
                             JERRY
               She thinks it's someone named Raef.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Good, let her think it.

               
                             JERRY
               So, what's going on?

               
                             SOPHIE
               Not a lot.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ask about you, ask about you.

               
                             JERRY
               So, uh, how are things with Jerry?
 
               
               
                             SOPHIE
               Oh, I really like him but, well, I still 
               haven't told him the tractor
 
               story.

               
                             JERRY
               Right, right, the tractor story.

               
                             SOPHIE
               Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda 
               funny.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I sound funny?

               
                             GEORGE
               Abort! Abort!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. 
               (Hangs up) That was close! What
 
               drives me to take chances like that?

               
                             GEORGE
               That was very real.

               
                             JERRY
               She said there's some tractor story 
               that she hasn't told me about.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, 
               beep, beep. Tractor story?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
 
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               So where do you wanna eat?

               
                             PUDDY
               Feels like an Arby's night.

               
                             ELAINE
               Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe 
               in god?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. So, you're pretty religious?

               
                             PUDDY
               That's right.

               
                             ELAINE
               So is it a problem that I'm not really 
               religious?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Not for me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why not?

               
                             PUDDY
               I'm not the one going to hell.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what I think? I bet she stole 
               a tractor.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No one's stealing a tractor, it's a 
               five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're
 
               dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.

               
                             GEORGE
               Does she walk around holding a pen she 
               never seems to need?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, she looks completely normal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She 
               lost her thumbs in a tractor
 
               accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You think she's got toes for thumbs?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How's her handshake? A little firm, 
               isn't it? Maybe a little too
 
               firm?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hands a little smelly?

               
                             JERRY
               Why do I seek your counsel?

               
               Elaine walks in.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I'm going to hell.

               
                             JERRY
               That seems about right.

               
                             ELAINE
               According to Puddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, have you heard the one about the 
               guy in hell with the coffee and
 
               the doughtnuts and--

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not in the mood.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you care? You don't believe 
               in hell.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know, but he does.

               
                             JERRY
               So it's more of a relationship problem 
               than the final destination of
 
               your soul.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, relationships are very important 
               to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you can strike one up with the 
               prince of darkness as you burn for
 
               
               all eternity.

               
                             GEORGE
               And a slice of devil's food

               cake.

               
               
               
               Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. Where is everyone?

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               They're all off the project. They were 
               boring. George, you are my
 
               main man.

               
                             GEORGE
               I am?

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               I don't know what it is, I can't put 
               my finger on it, but lately
 
               you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This is a huge project involving lots 
               of numbers and papers and
 
               folders.

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's 
               get started.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               George? Check it out. (He begins to 
               spin around in his chair)
 
               Three times around, no feet.

               
                             GEORGE
               And?

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               All me.

               
               
               
               Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.

               
                             DR. WEXLER
               Alright, and here are you ailments for 
               this week. By the way, Mr.
 
               Kramer, you were excellent.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, thank you.

               
                             MICKEY
               Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! 
               Alright I get to wear make-up!
 
               What did you get?

               
                             KRAMER
               Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's 
               been a mistake, see, I had
 
               gonorrhea last week.

               
                             DR. WEXLER
               Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you 
               did with it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.
 
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.

               
                             SOPHIE
               I move my knight... here. Check.

               
                             JERRY
               They should update these pieces, nobody 
               rides horses anymore. Maybe
 
               they should change it to a tractor.

               
                             SOPHIE
               Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're 
               losing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control 
               of my car, almost bought the
 
               farm.

               
                             SOPHIE
               Bought the farm?

               
                             JERRY
               Tractor!

               
                             SOPHIE
               This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I 
               feel uncomfortable.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.
 
               
               
               Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, 
               Jerry nods
 
               knowingly.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               A scar?

               
                             JERRY
               A big long scar where her leg would 
               dangle when she's riding a...?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A tractor.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure she's a little self-conscious 
               and doesn't like to talk about
 
               it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't see why's she more self-conscious 
               about that than her toe
 
               thumbs.

               
                             JERRY
               She doesn't have toe thumbs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if she keeps horsing around with 
               that tractor--
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. So how's the two-man operation 
               at Kruger?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't 
               do anything; Disappears for
 
               hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found 
               him with sleep
 
               creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite 
               today was that he
 
               finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning 
               around, George
 
               sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't 
               believe this.
 
               This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. 
               Kruger? Who
 
               said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               I'm not too worried about it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through 
               some of that stuff I put in
 
               your shoebox?

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               Alright, alright I'm going.

               
                             GEORGE
               Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything 
               like this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Never.

               
               
               
               Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. 
               There's a
 
               newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.

               
                             PUDDY
               Elaine, they forgot to deliver your 
               paper today. Why don't you just
 
               grab that one.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, 
               that's his.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               C'mon, get it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well if you want it, you get it.

               
                             PUDDY
               Sorry, thou shalt not steal.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, but it's ok for me?

               
                             PUDDY
               What do you care, you know where you're 
               going.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, that is it! I can't live like 
               this.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Nah.

               
                             ELAINE
               C'mon.

               
                             PUDDY
               Alright, what did I do?

               
                             ELAINE
               David, I'm going to hell! The worst 
               place in the world! With devils
 
               and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, 
               the heat! I
 
               mean, what do you think about all that?

               
                             PUDDY
               Gonna be rough.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, you should be trying to save me!
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Don't boss me! This is why you're going 
               to hell.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I am not going to hell and if you think 
               I'm going to hell, you should
 
               care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.

               
                             PUDDY
               You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's right!

               
               Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised 
               as 'horns' and she
 
               emits a gutteral growling sound.

               
               
               
               Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing 
               his part.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those 
               years? Why did I look for
 
               love in a bottle?

               
                             DR. WEXLER
               Mr. Kramer? You're up.

               
               Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.

               
                             MICKEY
               Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, 
               aren't you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, we'll see.

               
                             STUDENT #2
               So, what seems to be bothering you today, 
               Mr. Kramer?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I guess it

               started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, 
               and this was the
 
               only friend I had left.

               
                             MICKEY
               Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing 
               my cirrhosis! (he jumps
 
               Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.

               
               They fall to the floor, wrestling.

               
                             STUDENT #2
               Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?
 
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.

               
                             FATHER CURTIS
               Let me see if I understand this. You're 
               concerned that he isn't
 
               concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's 
               too bossy.
 
               
                             ELAINE AND PUDDY
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             FATHER CURTIS
               Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith 
               marriages, couples have
 
               difficulty--

               
                             ELAINE
               Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married 
               here.
 
               
                             FATHER CURTIS
               You aren't?

               
                             PUDDY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               We're just, you know, having a good 
               time.
 
               
                             FATHER CURTIS
               Oh, well then it's simple. You're both 
               going to hell.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               No way, this is bogus, man!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, thank you father.

               
                             FATHER CURTIS
               Oh, did you hear the one about the new 
               guy in hell who's talkng
 
               to the devil by the coffee machine?

               
                             PUDDY
               I'm really not in the mood, I'm going 
               to hell.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like 
               an eternity.
 
               
               Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in 
               her apartment and
 
               Father Curtis joins in.

               
               
               
               Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             SOPHIE
               You know, Jerry, there's this thing 
               that I haven't told you about.
 
               See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor 
               story and I'm fine with it.
 
               
                             SOPHIE
               How could you know?

               
               Jerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, 
               then back to
 
                             SOPIE'S)
               Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's 
               important is I'm not
 
               gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very 
               long-term and
 
               meaningful relationship.

               
               Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ...I didn't say that, no.

               
                             MICKEY
               You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even 
               tell me!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea 
               because I thought you'd have fun
 
               with it.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey! I'm with someone.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Hello.

               
                             SOPHIE
               No, I understand. This could be a tough 
               thing to deal with. The
 
               important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You know? She's right.

               
                             SOPHIE
               Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. 
               I got gonorrhea from a
 
               tractor.

               
                             JERRY
               You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And 
               you call *that* your tractor
 
               story??

               
                             KRAMER
               You can't get it from that.

               
                             SOPHIE
               But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea 
               from riding the tractor
 
               in my bathing suit.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, that's it for me. You've been 
               great. Goodnight
 
               everybody.

               
               
               
               Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is 
               working, Mr.
 
               Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George 
               is
 
               percolating.

               
                             GEORGE
               Would you mind helping me out with some 
               of this stuff?!?
 
               
                             MR. KRUGER
               You seem like you've got a pretty good 
               handle on it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No! I don't! Don't you even care? This 
               is your company! It's your
 
               name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' 
               fell off and
 
               all it says now is K-uger!

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               K-uger, that sounds like one of those 
               old-time car horns, huh?
 
               K-uger! K-uger!

               
                             GEORGE
               Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! 
               Too much!
 
               
                             MR. KRUGER
               Thank you George, you've been great. 
               That's
 
               it for me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no, you're not going out on a high 
               note with me Mr. Kruger!
 
               
                             MR. KRUGER
               It's K-uger!

               
                             GEORGE
               No! No!

               
                             MR. KRUGER
               Goodnight everybody!

               
               
               
               
               THE END





The Burning



Writers :   Jennifer Crittenden
Genres :   Comedy


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