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                                     THE BUTTER SHAVE
						  
						  
						  
                                        Written by

                          Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel
						  
				  
 
               
               
               Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their 
               regular booth.
 
               
               A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper 
               to reveal...
 
               
               a moustache.

               
                             GEORGE
               What is Holland?

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's 
               a
 
               
               country right next to Belgium.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, that's the Netherlands.

               
                             JERRY
               Holland *is* the Netherlands.

               
                             GEORGE
               Then who are the Dutch?

               
                             JERRY
               You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know, I hate it too. I feel like an 
               out of work porn star.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I told you, we should have taken some 
               kind of vacation.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well why didn't we?

               
                             JERRY
               Because you said this would be better. 
               Remember? A vacation from
 
               
               ourselves. That's what you said.

               
                             GEORGE
               What if we grew muttonchops?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!

               
                             JERRY
               Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, 
               you've gotta get a job.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Dammit.

               
               
               
               
               
               George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a 
               cane.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               No more crutches, that must be a relief.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not with a cane?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, 
               with a cane it's a sad story. You through 
               with those?
 
               
               George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from 
               the other end of the bar.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Always a sad story. Hey, you should 
               have been here tonight. Some guy
 
               
               from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have 
               another shot at a pilot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, we're back in!

               
                             JERRY
               We? No.

               
                             CLUB ANNOUNCER
               Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.
 
               
               
               Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.

               
                             BANIA
               Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, 
               Jerry, didja see me up there? I
 
               
               was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.

               
                             JERRY
               Killed?

               
                             BANIA
               Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up 
               some chicks. Good looking ones too! 
               (walking away) Hey, what's your name?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Killed.

               
                             JERRY
               Because I killed first and warmed up 
               the crowd. He's like that fish that 
               attaches himself to the shark.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And you're the shark?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish 
               eating my laughs.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm glad I brought it up.

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, 
               George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Got any shredded coconut?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, we're not doing that any more.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my god.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I got a job interview. They want to 
               see me this afternoon.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what's this job?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Knicks? Rangers?

               
                             GEORGE
               Playground equipment.

               
                             JERRY
               Welcome back to the show.

               
               Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, this is better. So, you got any 
               shredded coconut?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta hobble. (walks out)

               
               Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.

               
                             KRAMER
               D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream. 
               I'm getting no protection.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What kind do you use?

               
                             KRAMER
               Whatever you get.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't tell me she's dragging another 
               poor guy across Europe.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Remember David Puddy?

               
                             KRAMER
               She's dating him again, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I guess she's batted around and 
               she's back at the top of the order.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. 
               That guy's coming home in a body bag.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to 
               Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, 
               a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait, 
               that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? 
               How much is that?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We have to break up.

               
                             PUDDY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't take this any more! I don't 
               want to hear how interesting the change 
               with the hole in it is! And if you tell 
               me what time it is in New York again, 
               you are going home in a body bag!
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Well what about you? What do you think 
               The Gap in Rome has that's not in The 
               Gap on Broadway?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, alright listen. Forget about The 
               Gap because we are through!
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Fine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine!

               
                             CAB DRIVER
               Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together.
 
               
               
                             CAPTAIN
               Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, 
               with stopovers, will be approximately 
               22 hours.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart 
               or what?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what are you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came 
               undone and touched the floor of a men's 
               room. That's the end of that.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Did you see Bania's set last night? 
               'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He killed. He only does well when he 
               has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot 
               hit.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you gotta give him some credit. 
               (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter 
               across his face) You're just being totally 
               ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see 
               you later buddy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Do I have to ask?

               
                             KRAMER
               I ran out of butter so I had to borrow 
               yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?
 
               
               Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and 
               drags him back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why are you buttering your face?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm shaving with it.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh Moses smell the roses.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial 
               shaving cream. Now feel my face.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Feel it.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't want to.

               
                             KRAMER
               Feel it. Feel it.

               
               Jerry places two slices of bread against Kramer's face.

               
                             JERRY
               That is close.

               
               Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's 
               apartment.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.

               
                             GEORGE
               I got the job?

               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               I don't want you to think that anyone's 
               gonna treat you any differently just 
               because of your, uh, handicap.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm 
               not handicapped.
 
               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I didn't mean that.

               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               Of course you will have your own private, 
               fully equipped bathroom.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               When do I start?

               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               Whenever you feel that you're able. 
               (Rises to show George out) Um, you need 
               a hand here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, what the hell.

               
               
               
               
               
               Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth.

               
                             JERRY
               You got the job?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people 
               over there. They treat me so great. 
               You know they think I'm handicapped, 
               they gave me this incredible office, 
               a great view.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. 
               You should see the bathroom they gave 
               me!
 
               
                             JERRY
               How can you do this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, let's face it, I've always been 
               handicapped. I'm just now getting the 
               recognition for it. Name one thing I 
               have that puts me in a position of advantage. 
               Huh? There was a guy that worked at 
               the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work 
               done than I did, made more money, had 
               a wife, a family, drove a better car 
               than I did.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He drove a car with no arms?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright I made up the part about the 
               car, but the rest is true. He hated 
               me anyway!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Do you know how hard it's getting just 
               to tell people I know you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I love that bathroom. It's got that 
               high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle 
               perched on the ledge of a building.
 
               
               
               Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               They hooked me up.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's with all the butter?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm shaving with it, and you know what 
               I discovered?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can eat it?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna 
               use it all over my body.
 
               
               Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.
 
               
               
               Bania and Jenna walk over.

               
                             BANIA
               Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good 
               lookin' huh?
 
               
                             JENNA
               Jerry's the guy that I dated right before 
               you.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Oh. This is awkward.

               
                             JENNA
               Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, 
               you're a pleasure.
 
               
               Bania and Jenna leave.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't believe this.

               
                             GEORGE
               You miss her, don't you?

               
                             JERRY
               No! He's riding my coattails again. 
               He's getting everything off me, first 
               laughs now ladies.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You miss her.

               
               
               
               
               
               Puddy and Elaine on the plane.

               
                             PUDDY
               You know I think ultimately, I'm upset 
               with myself. I knew what I was getting 
               into, she's a bitter, unstable person. 
               I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it 
               was fine for her. I need more.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh. You believing this?

               
                             PASSENGER
               Excuse me, I was sleeping.

               
                             ELAINE
               You missed quite a performance.

               
               Elaine drinks from a can of juice.

               
                             PASSENGER
               That's my apple juice.

               
               
               
               
               
               A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With 
               "Morning Train"
 
               by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs 
               on a rail, is
 
               carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with 
               his cane and fakes
 
               a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets 
               laughs from
 
               everyone, including the man he tripped.

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely 
               by Newman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Someone's cooking.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder 
               this silly gulf between us and I say, 
               "Why?" Are we really so different. For 
               what is--
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. 
               Um, somebody's got something on the 
               griddle. Maybe it's Kramer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, he's up on the roof getting some 
               sun with the butter - pause - Oh no!
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Butter?

               
               
               
               
               
               Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each 
               other.
 
               
                             PASSENGER
               -Fimty kroner.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know my last boyfriend, he had a 
               real kroner
 
               
               comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head.

               
               Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.

               
                             WOMAN
               David, you are so funny.

               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, I know.

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing?

               
                             PUDDY
               It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to 
               get on with my life.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               By making time with some floozy across 
               the aisle?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going 
               on over there with you and, uh, vegetable 
               lasagna?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               This guy? He's an idiot. He doesn't 
               mean anything to me.
 
               
                             PASSENGER
               I can hear you.

               
                             PUDDY
               Well, she doesn't mean anything to me 
               either. If it were up to me, we'd still 
               be together.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well maybe I feel the same way.

               
                             PUDDY
               Ok.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, so now what?

               
                             PUDDY
               Let's make out.

               
               
               
               
               
               Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer 
               is decked out shirtless
 
               and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.

               
                             JERRY
               Look at your skin.

               
                             KRAMER
               Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm fried.

               
                             JERRY
               Technically, you're sautéed. So, what 
               are you doing for that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist 
               so I don't dry out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is that what the doctor said?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I read an article in Bon Appetite 
               magazine.
 
               
               Kramer leaves, George enters, limping.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hmm. Game hen?

               
                             JERRY
               Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing 
               your work home with you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I fake limp on my right. This is 
               a real limp because I sprained my ankle.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I was buttering myself up for 
               a nice shave --
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh no, not you too?

               
                             GEORGE
               I must have dripped some on the floor 
               and I slipped and...
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know what's good for that? Relish.
 
               
               
               Phone rings, Jerry answers.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. 
               What? No. No! No! No!! No!!!
 
               
               Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania 
               to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink 
               out of the toilet? Shopping
 
               
               carts with one bad wheel?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's true, that always happens to 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You think that's funny?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, I like stuff you don't 
               have to think about too much.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You like Bania's act. You're a closet 
               Bania fan!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               maybe I am.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm gonna puke.

               
                             GEORGE
               Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) 
               puke! Don't have to
 
               
               think about that.

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Puddy on the plane.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe we broke up like that.
 
               
               
               Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you want something to read?

               
                             PUDDY
               Nah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, are you going to take a nap or 
               --
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Nah.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're just going to sit there staring 
               at the back of a seat?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah.

               
               Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, 
               look at this, nothing has
 
               
               changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same 
               problems we had
 
               
               12 hours ago.

               
                             PUDDY
               Tell me about it, I don't know why I 
               ever took you back.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Please! I took you back. You know it, 
               I know it, vegetable lasagna
 
               
               here knows it.

               
                             VEGETABLE LASAGNA
               I don't want to get involved.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out 
               of the ocean and we just ram
 
               
               right into it and end this whole thing!

               
                             VEGETABLE LASAGNA
               Oh god.

               
               Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of 
               the passenger
 
               
               seated behind her.

               
                             PASSENGER
               Ow! Ow!!

               
               
               
               
               
               Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated 
               beside it,
 
               
               reading "Alive"

               
                             NEWMAN
               How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving 
               here.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta 
               stay juicy.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               The smell. It's still with you, huh?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter 
               in. Stir it up so it melts.
 
               
               Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips 
               and working
 
               
               himself up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ahh, now I'm simmering.

               
               Newman drops the stick and runs out.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

               
               
               
               
               
               George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.

               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               Good morning, George. Is something wrong 
               with your other leg?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, that's just the old handicap 
               acting up.
 
               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               But your cane's on the wrong side.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's just because we're standing on 
               opposite sides. See, when we
 
               
               met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was 
               reversed, like in
 
               
               the mirror.

               
               They walk over to a mirrored wall.

               
                             GEORGE
               See? This looks right to you, doesn't 
               it?
 
               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               Uh, yeah, I guess.

               
                             GEORGE
               But, see here.

               
               Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--

               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               Will you stop it, George? Just stop 
               it! I think I can see
 
               
               what's going on here.

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. 
               Jerry opens
 
               
               the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you're not gonna believe what 
               happened.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You mugged Stephen Hawking?

               
                             GEORGE
               Play Now thinks I got problems in both 
               legs. My own personal Rascal,
 
               
               Jerry. On the house.

               
               George rides around the apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Well it must be comforting to know you'll 
               be going straight to hell at
 
               
               no more than three miles an hour.

               
               Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. 
               Huge!
 
               
                             VEGETABLE LASAGNA
               Please don't shout. I can't take it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who's that?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Vegetable Lasagna.

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             ELAINE
               Vegetable Lasagna!

               
                             VEGETABLE LASAGNA
               My name is Magnus.

               
                             ELAINE
               Shut up or I'll snap you in half and 
               stuff you in the overhead!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Get me some duty free Kahlua.

               
               Jerry hangs up.

               
                             GEORGE
               How's the trip?

               
                             JERRY
               Sounded good.

               
               George. Well. Gotta motor.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, if you got any juice left, you 
               might wanna roll by the big showcase
 
               
               
               tonight.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, 
               eh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's right, and I'll tell you what. 
               I'm feeling a little off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you talking about? You're not!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's right, I'm taking a dive.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're throwing the set?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm laying down! Then let's see how 
               he does up there, without all the
 
               
               
               assistance.

               
                             GEORGE
               Listen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice 
               of a new generation. My
 
               
               generation.

               
                             JERRY
               We're four months apart.

               
                             GEORGE
               nevertheless. His time has come.

               
               George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under 
               Jerry's coffee
 
               
               table.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now if you will kindly help me unwedge 
               my front wheel, I'll be on my
 
               
               way.

               
               Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.

               
               
               
               
               
               Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.

               
               The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates
 
               
               
               Kramer's head on the turkey.

               
                             KRAMER/TURKEY
               Hey buddy.

               
               Newman screams and runs out of Monks.

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club

               
                             KRAMER
               What are you doing? George tells me 
               you're gonna throw your set?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's right, Choochie. Let's see how 
               Bania does without the cushy
 
               
               timeslot.

               
                             CLUB ANNOUNCER
               Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!
 
               
               
               Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored 
               suspenders.
 
               
                             JERRY
               If you'll excuse me.

               
               Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the 
               stage.
 
               
               Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's the deal with lampshades? I mean 
               if it's a lamp, why do you want
 
               
               shade?

               
               Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.

               
                             JERRY
               And what's with people getting sick?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hee hee! Yeah yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, what's the deal with cancer?
 
               
               
                             MAN IN AUDIENCE
               I have cancer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, tough crowd.

               
               
               
               
               
               George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he 
               accidentally
 
               
               bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking 
               out of a nearby
 
               
               store.

               
                             MAN
               Hey, hey! You dented my ride.

               
               George walks back to inspect the damage.

               
                             GEORGE
               Whatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh, 
               I did you a favor.
 
               
                             MAN
               How about I do you a favor upside your 
               head?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah?

               
                             MAN
               Oh yeah.

               
               George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.

               
                             MAN
               Hey!

               
                             WOMAN
               Get the bikes.

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. 
               he's soaked with
 
               
               sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.

               
                             BANIA
               Ouch.

               
                             KRAMER
               You didn't do so bad.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about? I bombed!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, you had some good stuff. The cancer 
               bit? It was edgy, it was not
 
               
               my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really 
               liked it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Like who?

               
                             KRAMER
               Like that guy who yelled out.

               
                             JERRY
               He had cancer!

               
                             KRAMER
               And laughter is the best medicine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your 
               work cut out for you.
 
               
                             CLUB ANNOUNCER
               Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!
 
               
               
               Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry, he could have used your 
               laugh. He was a big turkey out
 
               
               there.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Turkey?

               
                             KRAMER
               A big fat turkey.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I'm sorry I missed that.

               
                             KRAMER
               He worked so hard and then he just--
 
               
               
               Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it 
               all over himself.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What is this, oregano?

               
               Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts 
               through carrying a
 
               
               bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over 
               Kramer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano 
               and Parmesan, and it's sticking
 
               
               to me because of the butter! Look at me!

               
               Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch 
               of green leaves
 
               
               and hands them to Kramer.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Here. Hold this.

               
                             KRAMER
               What is this, parsley?

               
               Newman makes as if to attack Kramer.

               
               
               
               Jerry watching Bania from the wing.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, the sweet stench of failure.

               
               Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto 
               the stage.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Get off of me, get off of me!

               
               
               
               
               
               City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. 
               Action movie
 
               
               music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. 
               George's battery
 
               
               dies and his scooter stops.

               
                             MAN
               Now I got you!

               
               George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling 
               it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's 
               exiting a building at that moment.
 
               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               George? Your legs!

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you a religious man, sir?

               
                             MR. THOMASSOULO
               No.

               
               Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about 
               to lay into him with a cane.
 
               
                             MAN
               Eat hickory!!

               
               The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene 
               changes to Jerry,
 
               sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. 
               Bania
 
               walks in.

               
                             BANIA
               Hey Jerry, didja see it?

               
                             JERRY
               Ouch.

               
               Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.

               
                             STU
               Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and 
               Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen,
 
               
               Kenny. Really funny out there.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             JAY
               That thing you did having the two guys 
               running through? I love stuff you don't 
               have to think too much about.
 
               
                             STU
               Give us a call. We want to be in the 
               Kenny Bania business.
 
               
                             JAY
               By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A 
               little hacky.
 
               
                             BANIA
               How about that Jerry? First you had 
               a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. 
               Looks like I'm following you again.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm gonna puke.

               
                             BANIA
               Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use 
               that?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Exterior of NYC airport.

               
                             ELAINE
               David, this has been the worst month 
               of my life and if I never see you
 
               
               
               again it'll be too soon.

               
                             PUDDY
               Ditto.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh that's origi-

               
                             PUDDY
               Shut up.

               
               Elaine gets into a taxi cab.

               
                             ELAINE
               86th and Broadway please.

               
                             CAB DRIVER
               I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. 
               The Transit Police are
 
               
               making everybody share.

               
               Puddy enters the cab on the left.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh no.

               
               Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.

               
                             VEGETABLE LASAGNA
               Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Noooooooooooo!

               
               Cab rides away.

               
               
               
                              THE END



The Butter Shave



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer  David Mandel
Genres :   Comedy


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