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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE CADDY



                             Written by

                      Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               So why don't you get a locksmith?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was going to, but then I found out 
               that the auto club has this free locksmith 
               service, so I signed up. Just waiting 
               for the membership to kick in.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How long has your car been sitting in 
               the Yankee parking lot?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, about three days.

               
               (Kramer enters with golf clubs)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Y-you're not playin' golf?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, indeed. The calendar says winter, 
               but he gods of spring are out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Are the courses open?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan 
               the Caddy, we've been going through 
               the caddies entrance.
 
               
               George. Huh, No kidding?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. 
               Stan's advice has
 
               transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually 
               I'll
 
               have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my 
               dream,
 
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Really, you're getting that good?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'm the real deal.

               
               (Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, here, Stan, in here!

               
               (Stan enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this 
               is Stan the Caddy.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How ya doin'?

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             STAN
               Nice to meet you. Ready to hit the links, 
               Kramer?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, you betcha.

               
                             STAN
               What are those, ah, cotton pants?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah...Why, is it too cold out?

               
                             STAN
               Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight 
               jacket, that way the
 
               
               sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, that makes sense, that's a good 
               call, Stan. Alright, we'll
 
               
               see you guys later, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, we'll see ya.

               
               (Kramer and Stan leave)

               
                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               Stan The Caddy.

               
               (Commercial)

               
               (On the street)

               
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Elaine?

               
               (Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand)

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Hi!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, great. It's the bra-less wonder. 
               Who
 
               
               does she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out 
               of
 
               control.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               I was thinking that woman looks like 
               Elaine Benes.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up 
               to?
 
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               I've just been hanging out.

               
                             ELAINE
               I see.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Oh, listen! I'm having a birthday party 
               tomorrow evening,
 
               I'd love it if you came by.

               
                             ELAINE
               Tomorrow...? I don't know if I can.
 
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Nooo?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I'm just really, really busy.
 
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Oh, that's too bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha 
               ha ha.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ha ha ha.

               
               (Yankee Stadium)

               
               
               
                             WILHELM
               George!?

               
                             GEORGE
               Mr. Wilhelm!

               
                             WILHELM
               I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner 
               and I really
 
               want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting
 
               
               in....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the 
               General
 
               Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks, 
               you're the
 
               man for the job! So, keep it under your hat!

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Assistant to the General Manager!! You 
               know what means?!?
 
               He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm 
               a
 
               heartbeat away!

               
                             JERRY
               That's a hell of an organization they're 
               running up there. I
 
               can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               And, it is all because of that car. 
               You see, Steinbrenner is
 
               like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, 
               he figures
 
               
               I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. 
               He
 
               see my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between 
               the two of
 
               
               them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day!

               
                             JERRY
               Locking your keys in your car is the 
               best career move you ever
 
               made.

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, how ya doing?!?

               
                             ELAINE
               Better, now.

               
                             JERRY
               yeah, what happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know Sue Ellen Mishke?

               
                             JERRY
               Sue Ellen Mishke?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, 
               she moved here last
 
               
               year...

               
                             JERRY
               Sounds familiar.

               
                             ELAINE
               The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar 
               fortune--
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah, you mentioned her.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes. I ran into her today. This woman 
               has never, not once,
 
               ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, that is disgusting--

               
                             JERRY
               That is just shameless, I don't know, 
               There's no--
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's wrong, it's rude, and it's--

               
                             GEORGE
               It's disgusting--

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, there's no---

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on! Come-on.

               
                             JERRY
               We're only kidding!

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't understand. See, she hasn't 
               changed at all. She
 
               stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, 
               and
 
               I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by 
               the way,
 
               and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he 
               follows
 
               her, right out the door!

               
                             JERRY
               She's your Lex Luthor!

               
                             ELAINE
               Her birthday's comin' up, so I decided 
               to get her a little
 
               present.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you going to get her?

               
                             ELAINE
               A very traditional, a very supportive, 
               brazier.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There's nothing subtle about that.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, she might just think its a gift.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Have I ever bought you a jock strap 
               as a gift?
 
               
               
               
               (The coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               Ahhh, Hey-Ho.

               
                             JERRY
               What the hell are you doing here, aren't 
               you supposed to be at
 
               work?!?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting 
               out of town with Susan
 
               for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!

               
                             JERRY
               So, you're just taking off from work?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They won't know. I got the car there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Do you think this is such a good idea, 
               with you being on the
 
               verge of this big promotion?

               
                             GEORGE
               My presence, in that office, can only 
               hurt my chances.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Elaine's office at J Peterman)

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Sue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send 
               her in.
 
               
               (Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black 
               blazer)
 
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hellllloo.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               I happened to be in the neighborhood, 
               so I thought I'd stop
 
               in, and thank you for your lovely gift.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohhhhh. You're....welcome.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Is anything wrong?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a 
               top, it's a bra.
 
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Oh, I know. Thanks again.

               
               
               
               (The Rosses cabin)

               
                             GEORGE
               This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Wanna check out a swap meet?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, maybe. Where'd you get that?
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, it was on the windshield of the 
               car when we came out of that
 
               
               rest stop.

               
               (George sits up suddenly)

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment, phone ringing)

               
                             JERRY
               Yello.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to 
               do me a favor.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's goin' on?

               
                             GEORGE
               I just remembered, there's this Chinese 
               restaurant out near
 
               Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I 
               need ya to go out to the
 
               parking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know last time you had me throwin' 
               a rye bread up three
 
               floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers 
               off
 
               your car, where does it end?!?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours 
               each way, 6 hours all
 
               
               together, and take 'em off myself!!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright, I'll do it!!

               
               (Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what are ya up to?

               
               Kramer. Nothin'.

               
                             JERRY
               Do ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx 
               and see if there's any
 
               flyers on George's car.

               
                             KRAMER
               Sure!

               
                             JERRY
               I guess I coulda said just about anything 
               there, couldn't I?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               yep.

               
               (Yankee Stadium parking lot.)

               
               (George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man, look at this mess! You know 
               what's gonna happen if
 
               they see this? What are we gonna do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, we gotta get it washed....Ah, 
               the keys are locked inside!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a second....

               
                             JERRY
               What are ya gonna do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll just snag the lock with this. Here 
               we go...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, 
               huh?
 
               
               (Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash.
 
               
               Kramer is behind the wheel.)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               George has gotta be happy about this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, yeah...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just 
               wearing a bra?
 
               
               (Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, mama.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!!!

               
               (Car crashes into a lamp post)

               
               (Commercial)

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               My God, are you okay?

               
                             KRAMER
               I got a cut on my head and I banged 
               my shoulder.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I guess I have to bring his car back 
               up to the stadium, if it
 
               can make it.

               
                             ELAINE
               So how did this happen?

               
                             JERRY
               He was starin' at some woman!

               
                             KRAMER
               I couldn't help it, you saw what she 
               was wearing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What woman?

               
                             JERRY
               There was this beautiful woman walking 
               down the street wearing
 
               just a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...my God.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke!

               
                             JERRY
               Sue Ellen Mishke?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing 
               it as a top! The
 
               woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a 
               bra on,
 
               she's a menace to society.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, my arm really hurts. I wonder 
               if its gonna affect my
 
               
               golf swing.

               
               (Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain)

               
               (Stan enters)

               
                             STAN
               I got your message, how's the shoulder?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing 
               it!
 
               
                             STAN
               No, no. Not the left arm!

               
                             KRAMER
               What happens if I can't play like I 
               was? What about the tour,
 
               and all my dreams?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! I got it! Let's sue her!

               
                             KRAMER
               Sue her?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress 
               to the O'Henry candy bar
 
               
               fortune.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson 
               from that coffee
 
               company.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is 
               a once in a lifetime
 
               opportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got 
               to be held
 
               
               accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What do you think, Stan?

               
                             STAN
               Let's go for the green! You know a good 
               lawyer?
 
               
               (Kramer smiles)

               
               (Jackie Chiles' office)

               
               
               
                             JACKIE
               So you're driving in the car, you're 
               with your friend, minding
 
               your own business?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JACKIE
               Then what happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               The we saw this woman, and she was wearing 
               a bra with no top.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               No top? She didn't have a top on?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. So I got distracted and I crashed 
               the car.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Well how would you describe this woman? 
               Would you say she was
 
               an attractive woman?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             JACKIE
               So we got an attractive woman, wearing 
               a bra, no top, walkin'
 
               around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               She was flouting.

               
                             JACKIE
               That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, 
               vesivius, salacious,
 
               outrageous!

               
                             KRAMER
               It was outrageous. And she's the heir 
               to the O'Henry candy bar
 
               
               fortune.

               
                             JACKIE
               Could you repeat that?

               
                             KRAMER
               I said she's the heir to the O'Henry 
               candy bar fortune.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling 
               candy bars. It's got
 
               chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!
 
               
               Have you been to a doctor?

               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             JACKIE
               Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an

               appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me.

               
                             KRAMER
               So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we 
               got a case?
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Like taking candy from a baby.

               
               (The cabin)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I think I got it. How 'bout this? How 
               'bout this? We trade Jim
 
               
               Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya 
               think?
 
               That way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now 
               you got
 
               a team! Ha ha ha.

               
                             SUSAN
               I don't know, George. I'm still worried 
               about this car thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Would ya stop worrying?

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, what about the flyers?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry took the flyers off the car, I 
               got the whole thing
 
               covered.

               
               (Yankee Stadium parking lot)

               
               (Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car 
               in the
 
               space, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally 
               he
 
               gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he 
               goes)
 
               
               
               
               (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
 
               
               
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Come in!

               
               (Wilhelm enters)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Ah, Wilhelm.

               
                             WILHELM
               Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned 
               about George Costanza.
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               How 'bout a 'good morning'?

               
                             WILHELM
               Yes sir, good morning, good morning, 
               sir.
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Good morning to you, Wilhelm.

               
                             WILHELM
               Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, 
               the front end is based
 
               in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere.
 
               
               Obviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and, 
               trooper
 
               that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want 
               the stadium
 
               scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone 
               on
 
               
               alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've 
               gotta find
 
               
               that kid.

               
                             WILHELM
               Yes sir, yes sir.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               We must find George, find him, Wilhelm!
 
               
               
               (The hallway in Jerry's building)

               
               (As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue 
               Ellen
 
               knocking on Kramer's door)

               
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Excuse me, do you happen to know the 
               gentleman across the
 
               hall?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, yes, I do.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Do you happen to know if he'll be back 
               anytime soon?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Oh...

               
                             JERRY
               Is there something I can help you with?
 
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               No, I really just needed to speak with 
               him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you can wait for him in here if 
               you like.
 
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Oh, maybe I will.

               
               (Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind)
 
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               If you don't mind.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, not at all.

               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

               
               (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               What is with these people, all day long. 
               Come in, come
 
               in.

               
               
               
               
                             WILHELM
               Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've 
               searched everywhere,
 
               there's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his
 
               
               description, sir.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Oh my God, do you know what this means, 
               Wilhelm?
 
               
                             WILHELM
               What, sir?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               He's dead! Costanza's dead!

               
                             WILHELM
               Well, no, no, you see, I don't think--
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               As quickly as he came here, he's gone. 
               The poor little
 
               guy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm.

               
                             WILHELM
               Yessir?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Find out where his parents live.

               
                             WILHELM
               Parents.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and, 
               ah, line up
 
               some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager 
               position,
 
               we can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back 
               to
 
               Business Wilhelm!

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie 
               Chiles is right on
 
               it! Right on it, he's all over it!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, so the woman was walking 
               around in a bra, I mean
 
               it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been 
               watching
 
               the road.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, your attitude has certainly changed.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think my attitude has changed.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you 
               to testify.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't know if I....

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think I--

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, this is a million dollars we're 
               talkin' about, Jerry,
 
               now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my 
               team,
 
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about 
               it, Kramer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright what's gotten into you, what's 
               happened?!?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nothing's happened.

               
                             KRAMER
               Goohhhhck.

               
               (As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in 
               the garbage
 
               
               can)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ohhhh, what's this?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait 
               a second,...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar 
               paid a visit, didn't
 
               she?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, it is not what you think.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. 
               I think you're gaga over
 
               
               this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, 
               you're
 
               willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, 
               right down
 
               
               the river.

               
                             JERRY
               And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk 
               an innocent bystander
 
               out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing 
               quality
 
               O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!

               
                             KRAMER
               You're just out for sex!

               
                             JERRY
               You're just out for money!

               
                             KRAMER AND JERRY
               Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!

               
               (The Costanza house, Queens)

               
               (Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door)

               
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Mrs. Costanza?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Yesss?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm 
               afraid I have some
 
               very sad new about your son.

               
               (Scene changes to Costanza living room)

               
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               I can't believe it, he was so young. 
               How could this
 
               have happened?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Well, he'd been logging some pretty 
               heavy hours, first
 
               one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was 
               a human
 
               
               dynamo.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Are you sure you're talking about George?
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?

               
                             FRANK
               What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner 
               for?!? He had
 
               30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for 
               an arm, you
 
               
               don't know what the hell you're doin'!!

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Well, Buener was a good prospect, no 
               question about it.
 
               But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying 
               'Ken
 
               Phelps , Ken Phelps'.

               
               (Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message 
               on
 
               his answering machine)

               
               
               
                             FRANK
               Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr.

               Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back!

               
               (The phone rings again)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, it's George.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Where have you been?!?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I just got the most bizarre message 
               from you father,
 
               Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!

               
                             GEORGE
               Dead?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and we had an accident with your 
               car, it's a little
 
               crumpled.

               
                             GEORGE
               My car is a little crumpled?!?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do 
               so I put it back at the
 
               stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, 
               they saw
 
               the blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner 
               thinks
 
               
               you're dead!

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, I gotta head back right away, 
               I'll -- I gotta figure
 
               something out here.

               
                             JERRY
               Well you gotta call your parents.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't, Steinbrenner might still be 
               there!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're 
               still alive?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nnnooo! They could use the break!

               
               (Elaine's office at J Peterman)

               
               (Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters)

               
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, do you see this? Do you see 
               what
 
               I'm holding is my hands?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's a bra.

               
                             PETERMAN
               I saw a woman in our hallway wearing 
               one of these as a top.
 
               What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, 
               but the
 
               elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will 
               cross
 
               again some day.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is this all about?

               
                             PETERMAN
               I wanna market this item as a new direction 
               in women's
 
               Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild 
               parties,
 
               driving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of 
               the week.
 
               
               (Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Come in, come in.

               
               (George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches)
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mr. Steinbrenner--

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Ahhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing 
               few days. After the
 
               car accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on 
               grubs and
 
               
               puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted 
               one of those.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, 
               I think I may have found
 
               a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to 
               give up
 
               that much.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Well, don't tell it to me George, tell 
               it to the new
 
               Assistant to the General Manager.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't get the job?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Well, once you were dead, we couldn't 
               just sit on our
 
               hands. We had to make a move...

               
               (Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches,
 
               
               and takes the bandage off his head)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               But, you still have your old job. Of 
               course, we'll have
 
               to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club 
               here.
 
               If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next 
               thing
 
               you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work 
               for
 
               the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show!

               
               (Courtroom)

               
               
               
                             JACKIE
               So it was the meeting on the street 
               that prompted you to buy
 
               the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes...ummm, yes, that's correct.

               
               (Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried)
 
               
               
               
               
                             JACKIE
               And you have also brought with you, 
               another bra, exactly like
 
               the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, that's correct.

               
               (Kramer is now on the witness stand)

               
               
                             JACKIE
               What was you golf score, the last round 
               you played...before you
 
               
               shoulder was injured?

               
                             KRAMER
               Three under par.

               
               (Stan nods proudly)

               
                             JACKIE
               Oooohhhh, three under par...That's what 
               the
 
               professionals shoot, isn't it?

               
                             KRAMER
               If they're lucky.

               
               (Stan laughs)

               
               (Jerry is now on the witness stand)

               
               
                             JACKIE
               Would you tell this jury exactly what 
               you saw on the corner of
 
               83rd Street and Columbus?

               
                             JERRY
               I...don't remember.

               
                             JACKIE
               Well, did you, or did you not, see the 
               defendant, wearing the
 
               bra?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. Maybe.

               
                             JACKIE
               Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that 
               you are under oath. Now
 
               I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing 
               the
 
               bra?!?

               
                             JERRY
               ....Alright, alright, I saw her! And 
               she was beautiful in that
 
               bra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free
 
               
               wheeling attitude!

               
                             JUDGE
               This court will come to order!

               
                             JACKIE
               No further questions, your honor.

               
                             JUDGE
               You may step down.

               
                             JACKIE
               I think we got this wrapped up.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?
 
               
               
                             STAN
               You're close, you're on the green. You 
               just have to go for the cup.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What do you mean?

               
                             STAN
               Have her try on the bra, see if it fits.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               No, no, no, no!

               
                             KRAMER
               Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.

               
                             JACKIE
               Stan? Who the hell is Stan?

               
                             KRAMER
               He's my caddy.

               
                             JACKIE
               You're caddy?!? This is a big mistake!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               G- cada-

               
                             JACKIE
               Your honor, we request at this time, 
               that Miss Mishke...try on the bra.
 
               
               
                             JUDGE
               This court will come to order! Go ahead 
               Miss Mishke, try it on.
 
               
               (Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems 
               too
 
               small)

               
               
               
                             SUE ELLEN
               Ah, it doesn't fit...I can't put it 
               on.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothin' 
               now, nothin'! I've been practicing law 
               for 25 years, you're listenin' to a 
               caddy! This is a public humiliation! 
               You can't let the defendant have control 
               of the key piece of evidence. Plus, 
               she's trying it on over a leotard, of 
               course a bra's not gonna fit on over 
               a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up 
               a person's skin, like a glove!
 
               
               (Elaine's office)

               
               (Two women enter wearing bras as tops)

               
                             WOMAN #1
               Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, I don't think so.

               
                             WOMAN #2
               Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's 
               a winner.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah, thanks.

               
                             WOMAN #1
               Are you sure you don't wanna go? We 
               have reservations.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble 
               gettin' a table.
 
               
                             WOMAN #1
               Ciao.

               
                             WOMAN #2
               Ba-bye.

               
               (Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head)
 
               
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Caddy



Writers :   Gregg Kavet  Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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