The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE CADILLAC PART 1



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner 
               has he put his bags down than Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! You're back!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm back, baby.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, how was it?

               
                             JERRY
               Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Good for you.

               
                             JERRY
               I killed.

               
                             KRAMER
               You killed.

               
                             JERRY
               (taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. 
               Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging 
               up jacket) not only that, the money 
               was unbelievable.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Unbelievable.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How much?

               
                             JERRY
               (reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Aw, c'mon.

               
                             JERRY
               Nah. It's not good for friends to talk 
               about money, it can affect the friendship.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I tell you how much I make.

               
                             JERRY
               And I'm always impressed.

               
                             KRAMER
               Just show me the cheque, c'mon.

               
                             JERRY
               Awright, fine. You wanna see it?

               
                             KRAMER
               I wanna see it.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
               Jerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and 
               hands it to Kramer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Here, check that out.

               
               Kramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to 
               his face.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I told you.

               
               Kramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked.

               
                             KRAMER
               My god, you're rich.

               
                             JERRY
               (taking back the check) Oh yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't know you made that kinda money. 
               (subdued) Jeez.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't think I can talk to you any 
               more. I feel inferior.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I never shoulda told you.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, Jerry, I think this changes 
               the relationship. I mean, I
 
               feel it. Do you feel it?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I can't feel anything.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what're you gonna do with all 
               that money?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Actually, I was thinking of donating 
               a large portion of it to
 
               charity.

               
                             KRAMER
               (pleased) Really?

               
                             JERRY
               (deadpan) No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you should, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking 
               of buying my father a new
 
               car.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now, you see, that's nice.

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe a Cadillac.

               
                             KRAMER
               (smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow 
               his mind. He's always wanted
 
               one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) 
               I'm gonna
 
               do it.

               
                             KRAMER
               You're gonna score some big points with 
               the man upstairs on this
 
               one.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, isn't that what it's all about?
 
               
               
               Kramer and Jerry smile in agreement.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Elaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who was Pippi Longstocking?

               
                             KATY
               Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, 
               I don't don't know.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Did she have anything to do with Hitler?
 
               
               
                             KATY
               Hitler? (thinks) Maybe.

               
               George enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside 
               Elaine) I told him two o'clock.
 
               
               George twists round, so he can watch the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (indicating) You remember Katy?

               
                             GEORGE
               (distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) 
               Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
 
               We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.
 
               
               
                             KATY
               Also ear, nose and throat.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that 
               can happen to a nose? What
 
               does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)

               
                             KATY
               (amused) He's funny.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, you don't have to tell me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you know what? He got engaged.
 
               
               
                             KATY
               Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.

               
                             GEORGE
               What? Is that bad?

               
                             KATY
               I actually would've set you up with 
               a friend of mine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh-ho, yeah?

               
                             KATY
               You'd be perfect for her. She loves 
               quirky, funny guys.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (curious) Bald? Uh?

               
                             KATY
               Loves bald.

               
                             GEORGE
               Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who 
               is she?
 
               
                             KATY
               Marisa Tomei.

               
                             GEORGE
               (taken aback) The actress?

               
                             KATY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're friends with Marisa Tomei?

               
                             KATY
               That's right.

               
                             GEORGE
               (getting excited) That's, that's incredible. 
               My Cousin Vinnie, I
 
               love her, she was fantastic!

               
                             KATY
               Yeah, I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               (more excitement) You were gonna fix 
               me up with her?
 
               
                             KATY
               Yeah, she's just been sitting home.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting 
               home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't
 
               you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!

               
                             ELAINE
               (deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was 
               thinking.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his 
               coat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) 
               Well, how soon can you get
 
               it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, 
               bye.
 
               
               Jerry hangs up and turns to George.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, guess what. I just bought my father 
               a Cadillac
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying 
               down there and surprising him.
 
               
               Jerry walks to the kitchen.

               
                             GEORGE
               You gonna sleep on the fold-out?

               
                             JERRY
               (joyless) Yeah, yes.

               
               Jerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a 
               plate.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, 
               you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The actress?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't 
               she?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               She happens to be very good friends 
               with her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Marisa Tomei?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh-hmm.

               
                             JERRY
               How does she know Marisa Tomei?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, I didn't ask.

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't ask how she knows Marisa 
               Tomei?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Not the point!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             GEORGE
               Can I finish?

               
                             JERRY
               Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, 
               is all I'm saying. I
 
               would've asked her.

               
               Jerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice 
               cream.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright! So, she said, that she could've 
               fixed me up with her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What d'you mean, could've?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ohh!

               
                             GEORGE
               Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. 
               She said I was just her type!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
               Jerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie.

               
                             GEORGE
               (getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know 
               the odds of me being
 
               anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, 
               this Marisa
 
               Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, she won an academy award?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? 
               (excitement) My Cousin
 
               Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with 
               an Oscar
 
               winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's 
               like if
 
               fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? 
               Same thing!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Now there's a match. You and Katherine 
               Hepburn.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, you've seen her, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               (shout) Marisa Tomei!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's 
               just my type. The dark hair,
 
               the full lips.

               
               George wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of 
               pie and ice
 
               cream.

               
                             JERRY
               You like full lips.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I love full lips. Something you 
               can really put the lipstick on.
 
               
               The two sit on the couch.

               
                             JERRY
               Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.

               
               Jerry takes a mouthful of pie.

               
                             GEORGE
               (downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.
 
               
               
               There is a knock at the door.

               
                             JERRY
               (about the pie) This is no good.

               
               Jerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal 
               a guy in a
 
               Plaza Cable cap.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             NICK
               Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with 
               Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother
 
               you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting 
               about uh,
 
               heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             NICK
               If you see him, Could you just tell 
               him the cable company was here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             NICK
               Thanks.

               
               The guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (about the cable guy) Nice people.
 
               
               
               Jerry sits beside George again.

               
                             GEORGE
               Listen, lemme ask you a question. What 
               if I got a cup of coffee with
 
               her?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what about Susan?

               
                             GEORGE
               (worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee 
               with a person?! I'm not
 
               allowed to have coffee?!

               
                             JERRY
               Would you tell Susan about it?

               
                             GEORGE
               (frustrated) Not necessarily.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, if you can't tell Susan about 
               it, then there's something wrong.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (shouts) Of course there's something 
               wrong! (points at Jerry) We had
 
               a pact!

               
               Jerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, cable guy's looking for you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime 
               for free. See, they just
 
               found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, said he was waiting about two 
               hours. Seemed a little put out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable 
               man doesn't like to be kept
 
               waiting.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't seem too bothered by it.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You remember what they did to me ten 
               years ago? "Oh, we'll be there
 
               in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between 
               two and
 
               six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without 
               so much as a
 
               phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all 
               over my nice
 
               clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. 
               Well, looks
 
               like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, I've never seen you like this.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.
 
               
               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               George sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video. 
               Onscreen,
 
               Marisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems.
 
               
               
                             MARISA
               ...positrack, which was not available 
               on the sixty-four Buick
 
               Skylark.

               
               Susan enters

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you 
               watching? What is that? My
 
               Cousin Vinnie?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
               Susan stands behind George as she speaks.

               
                             SUSAN
               I thought you saw that before. How come 
               you're watching that again?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I..I..I dunno.

               
                             SUSAN
               Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar 
               for that? Boy, she's
 
               beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.

               
               George daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear 
               he wishes
 
               Susan looked like that.

               
                             SUSAN
               Turn it off. You're making me jealous. 
               I'm gonna think you like her
 
               more than you like me.

               
               Susan leaves to the bedroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               (forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.

               
               When Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping 
               an eye
 
               open in case Susan returns.

               
               
               (George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             GEORGE
               (whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.
 
               
               
               Elaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks 
               to George.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George. How come you're whispering?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (still quiet) Never mind, never mind. 
               I need you to do me a favour.
 
               Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               (still quiet) Think, a second. You know, 
               your friend was talking
 
               about me and, you know...

               
                             ELAINE
               Ech, George, I have no idea what you're 
               talking about.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (still quiet) The actress.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               (shouts) Marisa Tomei!

               
               Susan hears from the bedroom.

               
                             SUSAN
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               (calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. 
               Nothing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. 
               You're engaged!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't 
               mean anything.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh. No George!

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Forget it!

               
               Elaine hangs up her phone in disgust.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!

               
               Susan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips 
               the phone
 
               under a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin 
               Vinnie,
 
               to provide an excuse for his raised voice.

               
                             GEORGE
               D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this 
               guy!
 
               
               Susan looks at him oddly.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and 
               Kramer peers
 
               out into the hall through Jerry's peephole.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe you're buying your father 
               a car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And, best of all, it's a Cadillac.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! 
               (impressed) Wow.
 
               
               Elaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves 
               over to the
 
               table where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the 
               'on'
 
               position.

               
                             ELAINE
               I had no idea you had this kind of money.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. 
               I just didn't think you were in
 
               this kind of, you know, uh... position.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, it's just money.

               
                             ELAINE
               (smiling) So, when're you getting back 
               from Florida?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. (big smile) Just, things 
               seem a little more exciting
 
               when you're around. That's all.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you okay?

               
                             ELAINE
               (squeaky) Sure, sure.

               
                             JERRY
               What was that?

               
               Kramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry 
               and Elaine to
 
               quieten down.

               
                             KRAMER
               Quiet, quiet.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Nick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders 
               up to
 
               Jerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed.

               
                             NICK
               Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives 
               here?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
               George moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still 
               talking.
 
               
                             NICK
               (quietly angry) All morning I been waiting 
               here. All morning.
 
               
               Peering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited 
               satisfaction.
 
               
                             NICK
               (still angry) The guy says he's gonna 
               be home. I show up and all I do
 
               is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna 
               put up with
 
               it much longer.

               
               The cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak 
               to Jerry
 
               and Elaine.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm loving this.

               
               Kramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens 
               the door.
 
               The door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters. 
               Kramer
 
               peers round George to check the cable guy's gone.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, there's a guy out here that...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

               
               Kramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes 
               the door
 
               behind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very 
               much for yesterday, by the
 
               way.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, he want me to fix him up with 
               Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be
 
               a part of this!

               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! 
               A cup of coffee is not a fix
 
               up!

               
                             ELAINE
               You wanna meet her. You wanna see if 
               she likes you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (defensive) So what? So what if I do?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (shrill) You're engaged!

               
                             GEORGE
               (worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But 
               this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine.
 
               An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing 
               I coulda been
 
               with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, 
               stocky,
 
               balding funny men!

               
                             JERRY
               I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, what the hell?!

               
                             ELAINE
               George! It's cheating.

               
                             GEORGE
               (adamant) It's not cheating if there's 
               no sex!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes it is!

               
                             GEORGE
               (frustrated) Ahh!

               
                             ELAINE
               (looking for support) Jerry!

               
               Jerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank 
               notes and
 
               is counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that 
               currency.
 
               She stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money.

               
                             JERRY
               Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses 
               counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I
 
               didn't hear what you said.

               
               Elaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you 
               just make the call? (indicates
 
               the phone) Please, make the call.

               
                             ELAINE
               (distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll 
               make...
 
               
               Elaine picks up the phone and dials a number.

               
                             GEORGE
               (triumph) Alright.

               
               Jerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was 
               up to. He
 
               stands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously 
               been paying
 
               more attention, even as she dialled the phone.

               
                             ELAINE
               Eight-fifty.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right.

               
               Elaine waits for the phone to be picked up.

               
                             ELAINE
               So uh, how are you getting to the airport? 
               D'you need a ride, or...
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, don't be silly, I've arranged a 
               car.
 
               
               As Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in 
               his path,
 
               smiling flirtatiously.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe I'll let you pick me up.

               
                             ELAINE
               (big smile) Okay.

               
               Jerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads 
               for the
 
               bedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's 
               line. As Elaine
 
               speaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of 
               dances.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) 
               Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens)
 
               Oh, really?

               
               Something about the tone of her voice causes George to cease 
               dancing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, could you tell her Elaine called? 
               Yeah, thanks.
 
               
               Elaine turns to an expectant George.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) 
               She has an arrhythmia.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!
 
               
               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Morty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over 
               and grabs
 
               the box he's eating from.

               
                             HELEN
               Morty, what d'you have to open this 
               box for? (waving at another box)
 
               There's already a box of cookies open.

               
                             MORTY
               I wanted a Chip Ahoy.

               
                             HELEN
               I don't like all these open boxes.
 
               
               
               Helen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard.

               
                             MORTY
               Look, I got a few good years left. If 
               I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having
 
               it.

               
               The door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags.

               
                             JERRY
               Surprise!

               
                             MORTY
               (shout) Jerry!

               
                             HELEN
               (shock) Oh, my god!

               
                             MORTY
               What the hell are you doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm a good son.

               
                             HELEN
               Just like that? No calls?

               
                             JERRY
               Just like that.

               
                             MORTY
               Boy, you are really something.

               
                             HELEN
               To what do we owe this great honour?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You wanna know? Come on outside.

               
                             MORTY
               Outside? What's going on?

               
                             HELEN
               Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting 
               happens.
 
               
               Helen darts out of the door eagerly.

               
                             MORTY
               (laughs) Heh hah!

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, c'mon.

               
               Morty follows Helen outside.

               
               
               (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Standing at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming 
               in the
 
               Floridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what d'you think?

               
                             MORTY
               Look at this! Look at this! (excited) 
               You bought a Cadillac?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I bought it for you. It's yours.

               
               Morty and Helen both look astonished.

               
                             MORTY
               You what? You bought me a Cadillac?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over 
               the keys) Here you go.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your 
               mind?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             MORTY
               (to Helen) You don't want it? Are you 
               kidding?
 
               
                             HELEN
               He's not buying us a Cadillac.

               
                             MORTY
               What are you, nuts?

               
                             HELEN
               It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but 
               take it back.
 
               
               Helen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back 
               to Jerry.
 
               
                             MORTY
               (to Jerry) Can you believe this?!

               
                             HELEN
               I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. 
               He hasn't got that kind of
 
               money.

               
                             JERRY
               How d'you know?

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why can't I buy my father a car?

               
                             HELEN
               Your father doesn't need a car.

               
                             MORTY
               Yes, I do!

               
               Morty grabs the keys back from Jerry.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, Morty.

               
                             MORTY
               We're keeping it.

               
                             HELEN
               Over my dead body.

               
               Helen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle 
               for
 
               possession, watched by Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               (under his breath) Well, this worked 
               out just as I had hoped.
 
               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on 
               a table, are
 
               his phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer 
               doesn't
 
               answer, instead allowing the machine to pick up.

               
                             MACHINE
               Giddyup.

               
                             NICK
               Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza 
               Cable.
 
               
               Kramer smiles on hearing the voice.

               
                             NICK
               Well, I waited all morning again. You 
               said you were gonna be
 
               there from nine to one.

               
               Kramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to 
               listen.
 
               
                             NICK
               I was there. Where were you? You think 
               I got nothing better to
 
               do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!
 
               
               
               Kramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs 
               to himself.
 
               
                             NICK
               You're not gonna get away with this!
 
               
               
               
               (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Morty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door. 
               They're
 
               going through the features of the car.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got 
               a memory, in case somebody
 
               moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my 
               seat goes
 
               right back to where I like it.

               
                             JERRY
               That's what I was thinking.

               
               Jack Klompus approaches the car.

               
                             JACK
               (pointing) Hello, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hiya, Jack.

               
               Morty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (indicating) So, how d'you like this?
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Who's car?

               
                             MORTY
               It's mine.

               
                             JACK
               Yours?

               
                             MORTY
               That's right. My son bought it for me.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               He what?

               
                             MORTY
               My son bought me the car. It's a present.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               (disbelief) You bought it?

               
                             JERRY
               That's right. I bought it.

               
                             MORTY
               You ever see one so nice?

               
                             JACK
               Some car.

               
                             MORTY
               You wanna take a ride?

               
                             JACK
               No, thank you.

               
                             MORTY
               C'mon, take a ride.

               
                             JACK
               I don't wanna take a ride.

               
                             MORTY
               Why not?

               
                             JACK
               I don't feel like taking a ride. Do 
               I have to take a ride?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               He doesn't wanna take a ride.

               
                             MORTY
               Uh huh.

               
                             JACK
               (worked up) What d'you think? I've never 
               ridden in a Cadillac before?
 
               Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (skeptical) Thousands?!

               
                             JACK
               What? D'you think you're such a big 
               shot now, because you got a
 
               Cadillac?

               
                             MORTY
               (dismissive) Ahh!

               
                             JACK
               (dismissive) Yaah!

               
               Jack angrily stalks away.

               
                             MORTY
               Could you believe that guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Aahh!

               
               
               (Hospital Room)

               
               George sits, talking enthusiastically to someone.

               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, I was thinking about what you 
               said. About uh, me and Marisa.
 
               
               The person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing 
               an oxygen
 
               mask and has an intravenous drip in her.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, about the uh, two of us getting 
               together. And I know that
 
               I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really 
               just something
 
               you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, 
               engaged, it's,
 
               it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching 
               uh, My Cousin
 
               Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking 
               that uh,
 
               you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) 
               So,
 
               what d'you, what d'you think?

               
               Katy is still unconscious.

               
                             GEORGE
               (urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. 
               Can you move a pinkie?
 
               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and 
               he answers
 
               it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Y'hello.

               
                             NICK
               (inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, 
               uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah,
 
               this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about 
               some
 
               trouble on your line.

               
               Kramer smiles, as he recognises the voice.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
 
               
               
                             NICK
               Uh, the thing is, we happen to have 
               a man right in your
 
               neighbourhood.

               
               Kramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open 
               a couple of
 
               blades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone 
               box across
 
               the street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with 
               the Plaza Cable
 
               insignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the 
               cable guy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (playing along) Ohh, is that right? 
               Well, I have been having a
 
               little trouble with my call-waiting.

               
                             NICK
               We can fix that. We can fix that.

               
                             KRAMER
               (sitting back on the couch) Oh, can 
               you? That's funny, because, as
 
               it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone 
               company
 
               would know that.

               
                             NICK
               Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, 
               I was looking at the wrong
 
               work order.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? 
               I've got something on the
 
               stove.

               
               Kramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on. 
               It plays
 
               cheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the 
               door.
 
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Nick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening 
               to the cheesy
 
               music on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his 
               watch.
 
               Suddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, McNab!

               
               THe cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window 
               of a cab as it
 
               passes.

               
                             KRAMER
               Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't 
               you stop by?
 
               
               Kramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy, 
               as the cab
 
               accelerates away.

               
               
               (Tenant's Committee, Florida)

               
               Around a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy 
               looking Jack
 
               Klompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering. 
               He
 
               bangs a gavel to get their attention.

               
                             MORTY
               Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the 
               restoration of the fence at
 
               the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting 
               bids.
 
               
                             HERB
               C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six 
               months already. What the hell
 
               are you doing?

               
                             MORTY
               Well, I, as your president, have to 
               find the best price, and right
 
               now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.

               
                             JACK
               (half to himself) I'll bet you don't.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               What was that?

               
                             JACK
               C'mon Morty, the jig is up!

               
                             MORTY
               What're you talking about?

               
                             JACK
               I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole 
               meeting, holding my tongue.
 
               I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any 
               longer.
 
               
                             HERB
               What's going on, Jack?

               
                             JACK
               I'll tell you what's going on. Morty 
               Seinfeld has been stealing funds
 
               from the treasury.

               
                             MORTY
               Stealing?!

               
                             RALPH
               What proof do you have?

               
                             JACK
               Proof? You want proof? He's driving 
               around in a brand new Cadillac.
 
               Now what more proof do you want?

               
                             MORTY
               My son bought me that car!

               
                             JACK
               Your son?

               
                             MORTY
               Yeah.

               
                             JACK
               Your son could never afford that car. 
               We all saw his act, last year,
 
               at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!

               
                             HERB
               Jack's right! He stinks!

               
                             RALPH
               It's his material.

               
                             MORTY
               I tell you, he bought it for me!

               
                             HERB
               (bangs table with his fist) I move for 
               a full investigation!
 
               
                             RALPH
               I second.

               
               Morty looks dumbstruck.

               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               George sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen, 
               the
 
               ever-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines.

               
                             MARISA
               ...go introduce myself.

               
               Susan enters, with a bag of groceries.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey! What're you watching? (looks at 
               TV) Only You? That's another
 
               Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) 
               What, d'you
 
               have a thing for her?

               
                             GEORGE
               (laughing it off and trying too hard) 
               Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for
 
               Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, 
               bald man.
 
               (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's 
               an Oscar
 
               winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know 
               her. It's not
 
               like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix 
               me up with
 
               Marisa Tomei?

               
                             SUSAN
               What are you talking about?

               
               Susan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking 
               bemused by
 
               George. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as 
               he slips off
 
               into a daydream.

               
               
               (George Dream Sequence)

               
               George stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light. 
               Then
 
               Marisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress, 
               and her hair
 
               up. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at 
               him lovingly.
 
               
                             MARISA
               Have I told you how much I love you 
               today?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Not in the last fifteen minutes.

               
                             MARISA
               Well, I do love you very much.

               
                             GEORGE
               And I love you, Marisa.

               
                             MARISA
               Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're 
               going to be late for the
 
               premiere.

               
               George leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and 
               slowly
 
               recline onto the couch.

               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Susan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly 
               reclining
 
               onto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his 
               head, in the
 
               fashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head 
               from the
 
               cushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into 
               the
 
               kitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the 
               couch and
 
               lies down.

               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Jerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious 
               Morty
 
               delivers his news.

               
                             HELEN
               Impeachment?

               
                             MORTY
               That's right. Have you ever heard of 
               anything like that?
 
               
                             HELEN
               Can they do that?

               
                             MORTY
               If they get the votes.

               
                             HELEN
               I told you we shouldn't have let him 
               give us the car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of 
               sale? That proves I paid for
 
               it.

               
                             MORTY
               It doesn't make a difference. They think 
               we're in cahoots.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, you could put a fence around 
               these condos, and call it an insane 
               asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               No-one's ever been impeached before. 
               I couldn't live here. We'd have to move 
               to Boca.
 
               
               There's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn 
               walks in.
 
               
                             EVELYN
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi Evelyn.

               
               Morty sits by the table.

               
                             EVELYN
               Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) 
               I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               What'd he say?

               
                             EVELYN
               He's voting to impeach.

               
               Morty thumps the table with his fist.

               
                             EVELYN
               Not because he think you stole the money, 
               but mainly because you never thanked 
               him for giving you his aisle seat at 
               Freddy Roman's show.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I did so thank him!

               
                             HELEN
               (admonishing) No, he never heard you. 
               (prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't 
               hear you.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Ah, he's deaf anyway.

               
                             EVELYN
               Now, my sources tell me, there's three 
               votes for impeachment, three votes against 
               impeachment, and one undecided.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Who's that?

               
                             EVELYN
               Mrs Choate.

               
                             JERRY
               Who's she?

               
                             MORTY
               Oh, that one. She's been a member of 
               the board longer than anybody. She's 
               very tough to deal with.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Maybe we should have her over for coffee, 
               and explain our side of it?
 
               
                             MORTY
               That's a good idea.

               
                             EVELYN
               Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, 
               tonight.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (surprise) The Lichtenberg's?

               
                             EVELYN
               Yes, they're having a party.

               
                             HELEN
               We weren't invited.

               
                             EVELYN
               Oh. Probably they think you're too good 
               for them. You know, because of the car.
 
               
               
               Jerry puts his face in his hands.

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Cadillac Part 1



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy