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                         THE CADILLAC PART 2



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out. 
               He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put 
               the bar in the middle of the bed?
 
               
               
               Jerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings 
               and Jerry picks it up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
               On the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (flirtatious) Hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine? Wh..what's going on?

               
               Elaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats 
               playfully with Jerry.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, 
               I'm not really doing that much this 
               weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what 
               the hell, maybe I'll come down there 
               and hang out a little.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (a little confused) You wanna hang out 
               here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar 
               Gables?
 
               
               Elaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's 
               comment.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's just two hours by plane...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Gee, I dunno what to tell you.

               
               There is a beep from Elaine's phone.

               
                             ELAINE
               Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang 
               on, don't hang up Jerry.
 
               
               Elaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah?

               
               The other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing 
               gown.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got 
               to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (impatient) Okay, George, I am on the 
               other line. I promise you, I'll get 
               you her number.
 
               
               George punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeahhh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Goodbye.

               
               Elaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (smiling and flirty) Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, what d'you think?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, I don't think so.

               
                             ELAINE
               (disappointed) Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               I'll be back on Monday.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, 
               gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I 
               can meet you at the gate, Jer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll 
               see you.
 
               
               Jerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks.

               
                             ELAINE
               (urgent) Jerry? Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               (putting the phone back to his ear) 
               Yeah.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (breathy) Bye.

               
                             JERRY
               Bye.

               
               Jerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine.
 
               
               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               The phone rings and Kramer picks up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello.

               
               Somewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on 
               the phone. He's
 
               writing on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer.

               
                             JOHN
               Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, 
               from Con Ed.
 
               
               Kramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the 
               cable guy's
 
               tricks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?

               
                             JOHN
               Yeah. We've had some reports of power 
               surges in your building. It
 
               seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged 
               some of the
 
               wires.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you don't say.

               
               Kramer walks to his window as he listens.

               
                             JOHN
               (a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. 
               Either way, we need to get into your
 
               
               apartment and do a safety check.

               
               Kramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there 
               is no cable guy in
 
               the phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the 
               phone.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are 
               really good.
 
               
                             JOHN
               (confused) What're you talking about?
 
               
               
               Kramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back 
               on the table.
 
               John, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Elaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy, 
               and comes
 
               over.

               
                             GEORGE
               Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa 
               Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine)
 
               And I wasn't even that nervous.

               
               Elaine watches George, as he rambles on.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I can't remember the last 
               time I called a woman without being
 
               
               nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...

               
                             ELAINE
               (looking at her watch) Okay, well that's 
               all the time we have for today.
 
               Why don't we pick up with this next week?

               
               Elaine rises.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, where you going?

               
                             ELAINE
               I got stuff to do.

               
                             GEORGE
               What? You can't leave yet.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               We have to discuss my alibi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alibi? What does that have to do with 
               me?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I usually spend Saturday afternoons 
               with Susan. She's gonna want to know
 
               
               what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You 
               were with me.
 
               
               Elaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What is the difference?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because, if you ever see her and it 
               comes up, we have to be in sync.
 
               Hmm?

               
               Reluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows 
               his brow in
 
               concentration.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) 
               you?
 
               
               George and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets 
               a flash of
 
               inspiration.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, 
               and I'm afraid, and I want you to
 
               
               go with me.

               
               Elaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture.

               
                             GEORGE
               (dismissive) It's no good.

               
               Elaine looks offended.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointedly) Okay. Fine.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't like the way you just rejected 
               my suggestion.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive 
               here. This is a give and take
 
               process.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought that my suggestion was good. 
               And, I think you could've been a
 
               little more tactful.

               
                             GEORGE
               (explaining, with lots of hand gestures) 
               Okay, look. We've never worked
 
               together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have 
               a certain way of
 
               working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows 
               how I work. It's
 
               not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with 
               the best
 
               possible lie. That's what this is all about.

               
                             ELAINE
               (weary) Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright?

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine, fine, fine.

               
               The twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George 
               gets the
 
               inspiration.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. How about this?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               (pleased with himself) You are having 
               problems with your boyfriend and I
 
               
               am meeting you to discuss the situation.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't have a boyfriend.

               
                             GEORGE
               (still pleased) She doesn't know that. 
               We say that you do.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (not convinced) Ech.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's good. Believe me.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought my idea was just as good.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The dentist thing?

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, the dentist thing was not good.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, alright. What's his name? Who 
               is he?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is 
               my boyfriend?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's your boyfriend.

               
                             ELAINE
               What does he do?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's an importer.

               
                             ELAINE
               Just imports? No exports?

               
                             GEORGE
               (getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. 
               Okay?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What 
               is the problem we're discussing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (thoughtful) Yes. Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sighs) Yi-yi-yi.

               
               Elaine and George go into another bout of deep thought.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) 
               How 'bout this? How about, he's
 
               thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on 
               the importing. And
 
               this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?

               
               Elaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical, 
               and Elaine
 
               seems offended again.

               
                             ELAINE
               (irked) Oh, what? You don't like that 
               suggestion either?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's very complicated.

               
                             ELAINE
               (definitely irritated) You know, it 
               seems to me that it's all you, and
 
               
               none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know 
               it all and I am
 
               Miss Stupid. Right?

               
               George avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down.

               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Helen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless 
               Morty fusses
 
               around.

               
                             MORTY
               What're you doing? Are you making coffee?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Yeah.

               
                             MORTY
               Well, maybe you better make a pot of 
               tea, too.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Morty, you're driving me crazy.

               
                             MORTY
               Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. 
               If this woman votes to impeach
 
               me, I'll be a laughing stock.

               
                             HELEN
               You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to 
               pay the consequences.
 
               
               The doorbell chimes.

               
                             MORTY
               There she is.

               
               Morty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate 
               enters.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, come in, come in. May I take your 
               coat.
 
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's 
               taking my coat.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?
 
               
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with 
               lemon, if you have it.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have 
               a seat. That's a lovely scarf
 
               you're wearing. Where did you get it?

               
               Helen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Ahh, they're a dime a dozen.

               
               Jerry enters.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) 
               this is my son, Jerry.
 
               
               Mrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as 
               he recognises Mrs
 
               Choate. He remembers an incident from "The Rye".

               
               
               (New York Street, "The Rye")

               
               Jerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag.

               
                             JERRY
               Gimme that rye!

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!
 
               
               
               Jerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip.

               
                             JERRY
               Shut up, you old bag!

               
               Jerry races away down the street with the rye.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               (shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! 
               Stop him, he's got my rye!
 
               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Jerry manages to regain a normal expression.

               
                             JERRY
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Hello.

               
                             MORTY
               (holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives 
               in New York. You just came from
 
               New York, didn't you?

               
               Jerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate 
               connecting him with
 
               New York.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and 
               I'll never go back. The crime
 
               there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble 
               rye, right on the
 
               street?

               
               Jerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers 
               and cups from
 
               the kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate.

               
                             HELEN
               (sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They 
               stole a rye? Why would they steal a
 
               
               rye?

               
                             MORTY
               That's what the city's turning into. 
               They'll steal anything.
 
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               They're like savages.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, there's some sickos out there.
 
               
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               (peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. 
               Have we ever met?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?

               
                             HELEN
               Maybe you've seen him on television.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Jerry's a comedian.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Naw, I don't watch TV.

               
               Jerry has moved rapidly to the door.

               
                             JERRY
               (opening the door) Well, it was nice 
               meeting you.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Jerry, don't go.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I think I'll go.

               
               Jerry darts out and shuts the door behind him.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               So, Morty, what's this all about? What 
               d'you want?
 
               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Susan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat, 
               heading for the
 
               door.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey, where're you going?

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go 
               meet Elaine.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Elaine? What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. She..She's having some 
               problems with this guy she's
 
               seeing.

               
                             SUSAN
               I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art 
               Vandelay.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               So what does he do?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's an importer-exporter.

               
                             SUSAN
               What kind of problems are they having?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (not happy delivering Elaine's lie) 
               Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit
 
               
               the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a 
               problem, because
 
               she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.

               
               Susan looks unconvinced.

               
                             SUSAN
               Are you having an affair with Elaine?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! 
               I'm having an affair with
 
               Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell 
               you I'm going to
 
               see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was 
               gonna go see,
 
               and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.

               
                             SUSAN
               Huh?

               
               George gives a smile and slides out the door.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               Kramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries. 
               He becomes
 
               aware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind 
               him. Kramer
 
               shifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is 
               in a position he
 
               can use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image 
               of a Plaza Cable
 
               truck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run.
 
               
               
               
               (Another Street)

               
               Kramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile 
               comes to his face,
 
               as he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a 
               little shrug of
 
               satisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and 
               begins to walk on,
 
               with his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the 
               cable truck comes
 
               to a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head 
               him off.
 
               
               The cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger 
               through the truck
 
               window. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter 
               bin, drops his
 
               groceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his 
               truck and begins
 
               to advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning 
               his groceries,
 
               sets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit.

               
               
               (Variety of New York locations)

               
               Kramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later, 
               by the cable
 
               guy.

               
               Kramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and 
               then sets off
 
               running. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same 
               wall and sets off
 
               after Kramer.

               
               Kramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the 
               cable guy just a
 
               few yards behind.

               
               Kramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of 
               the roof and
 
               looks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly 
               behind him,
 
               for the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings. 
               Despite
 
               his worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up, 
               and leaps
 
               across to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks 
               himself up and
 
               sets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the 
               same gap, looks
 
               down at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting 
               the leap.
 
               
                             NICK
               (yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll 
               get you! I'll get you Kramer! You
 
               
               won't get away with this!

               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Morty is fastening a jacket as he enters.

               
                             MORTY
               Alright, are you ready to eat?

               
                             HELEN
               (glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's 
               go. Jerry, let's go, it's time
 
               to eat. We're going to dinner.

               
               Jerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants, 
               and holding a
 
               comic book he's been reading.

               
                             JERRY
               (confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               (pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner 
               at four-thirty?
 
               
                             MORTY
               By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter 
               to five.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand why we have to eat 
               now.
 
               
                             HELEN
               We gotta catch the early-bird. It's 
               only between four-thirty and six.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a 
               salad and a baked potato, for
 
               four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?

               
                             JERRY
               Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll 
               treat, okay?
 
               
                             HELEN
               You're not buying us dinner.

               
                             JERRY
               (emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself 
               a steak at four-thirty to save a
 
               coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!

               
                             HELEN
               Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll 
               wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard
 
               
               of.

               
               Jerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his 
               comic book.
 
               
               
               (Park)

               
               George sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and 
               Marisa's looking
 
               interested, smiling and laughing.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...So, anyway, if you think about it, 
               manure is not really that bad a
 
               word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front 
               of it, which is
 
               also good. Ma-newer , right?

               
                             MARISA
               (laughing) You're so right. I never 
               thought of it like that. Manure.
 
               'Ma' and the 'newer'.

               
               Marisa laughs and George is smiling happily.

               
                             MARISA
               Did you just make that up?

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you think I'm doing material here?
 
               
               
                             MARISA
               (laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe 
               anyone could be so spontaneously
 
               funny.

               
                             GEORGE
               (modest) And I'm a little tired.

               
               Marisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously.
 
               
               
                             MARISA
               So, tell me, how is it that a man like 
               you, so bald, and so quirky and
 
               funny, how is it you're not taken?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm 
               sort of engaged.
 
               
               Marisa's face falls in disappointment.

               
                             MARISA
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm, you know, engaged.

               
               Marisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches 
               George in the
 
               face, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful 
               spot where he
 
               received the blow.

               
               
               (Outside Scott's, Florida)

               
               A few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives 
               up to the
 
               front of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right 
               by the
 
               entrance.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey look, there's a spot right in front.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Always, Jerry. Always.

               
               The Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's 
               emerge Jack and
 
               Doris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick

               
                             DORIS
               Was that delicious or what?

               
                             JACK
               Where you gonna get a better meal than 
               that?
 
               
                             DORIS
               Better than Danny's.

               
                             JACK
               Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon!

               
               The Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus 
               duo.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Hello Jack.

               
                             HELEN
               Doris.

               
                             DORIS
               Hello, hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Jack.

               
                             DORIS
               Hello, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Doris.

               
                             JACK
               Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, 
               missed the early bird.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Yeah, so?

               
                             JACK
               (pointed) Must be nice to have that 
               kind of money.
 
               
               Jack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. 
               (pointed) Your suddenly
 
               well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. 
               Tomorrow, they
 
               kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your 
               Cadillac.
 
               
               Morty is looking confident, even smug.

               
                             MORTY
               They're not kicking me out. You don't 
               have the votes.
 
               
                             JACK
               That's what you think.

               
                             MORTY
               We'll see.

               
                             JACK
               Yes, we will.

               
                             JERRY
               Awright, let's eat already.

               
               The Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the 
               Cadillac.
 
               
               
               (Elaine's Apartment)

               
               Elaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious 
               looking Susan.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Susan.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.
 
               
               
               Susan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               (standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask 
               you a question.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, sure.

               
                             SUSAN
               (dead serious) Are you having an affair 
               with George?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) 
               Ha ha ha. Ha, no.
 
               
               Elaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) 
               I mean, why would anyone
 
               wanna sleep...

               
               Elaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies 
               away.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) 
               Ap..ap, Chu... Why would
 
               you think I was having an affair with George?

               
                             SUSAN
               Ohh, because he said that he had to 
               talk with you earlier about some
 
               problem that you were having.

               
                             ELAINE
               (recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, 
               I did have to talk with him. I
 
               definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Art Vandelay?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, Art Vandelay.

               
                             SUSAN
               I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel 
               like an idiot.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. 
               It's okay.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, just forget that we ever talked. 
               Okay?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It is so forgotten.

               
                             SUSAN
               Alright.

               
               Susan moves toward the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.
 
               
               
               Susan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her.

               
                             SUSAN
               So, was George helpful at all?

               
                             ELAINE
               (unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he 
               was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm,
 
               
               because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing 
               about his
 
               business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.

               
                             SUSAN
               (not convinced) Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               (explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George 
               felt that I was too adamant in
 
               my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about 
               the importing.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               (spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. 
               I thought that Art wanted to
 
               give up the exporting.

               
                             ELAINE
               What'd I say?

               
                             SUSAN
               The importing.

               
                             ELAINE
               (caught out) I did. Uh...

               
                             SUSAN
               So, what does he uh, import?

               
                             ELAINE
               (extemporising) Uh... chips.

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh. What kinda chips?

               
                             ELAINE
               Potato.

               
                             SUSAN
               Ah.

               
                             ELAINE
               (embroidering) Some corn.

               
                             SUSAN
               And what does he export?

               
                             ELAINE
               Diapers.

               
                             SUSAN
               (fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering 
               you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, it's okay.

               
               Susan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes 
               the door.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
               The moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her 
               phone and dials a
 
               number hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate 
               for a response.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. 
               Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.
 
               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Susan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens 
               and George
 
               enters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hi.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does 
               Art Vandelay import?
 
               
               George looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment 
               before replying.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Matches? Long matches.

               
               Susan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George 
               has received
 
               today. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow, 
               and Susan slams
 
               the door behind him.

               
               
               (Tenant's Committee, Florida)

               
               Around the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit 
               beside each
 
               other. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives 
               are
 
               present, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate 
               coming in through
 
               the door.

               
                             HERB
               ...There she is. Okay, if I can have 
               your attention for a minute here.
 
               
               We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, 
               to consider a
 
               motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.
 
               
               
               Mrs Choate sits beside Morty.

               
                             MORTY
               Nervous, Jack?

               
                             JACK
               What for?

               
                             MORTY
               Because I have the votes.

               
               Morty turns to Mrs Choate.

               
                             MORTY
               Nice to see you, Mrs Choate.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Hello, Morty.

               
               Jack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs 
               Choate.
 
               
                             HERB
               Building A. Are you for, or against, 
               the motion to impeach?
 
               
                             RALPH
               What does that mean?

               
                             HERB
               It means, if you're for the motion, 
               you're against Morty.
 
               
                             RALPH
               So why don't you say that?

               
                             HERB
               Hey, I'm running the meeting.

               
                             RALPH
               If you think so.

               
                             HERB
               Building A?

               
                             BUILDING A
               For impeachment.

               
                             HERB
               Building B?

               
                             BUILDING B
               Against impeachment.

               
                             HERB
               Building C?

               
                             BUILDING C
               For impeachment.

               
                             HERB
               Building D?

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Against impeachment.

               
                             JACK
               (a whisper to Morty) I can't believe 
               you got that old bag.
 
               
               Mrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She 
               thinks back.
 
               
               
               (New York Street, "The Rye")

               
               Jerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing 
               a marble rye.
 
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               Help! Someone help!

               
                             JERRY
               Shut up, you old bag!

               
               Jerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street.
 
               
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               (after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!

               
               
               (Tenant's Committee, Florida)

               
               Mrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and 
               addresses Morty.
 
               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your 
               son. Now I know where I saw
 
               him. He stole my marble rye.

               
                             MORTY
               My son never stole anything. He's a 
               good boy.
 
               
                             RALPH
               They should lock him up.

               
                             MRS. CHOATE
               (pointing at Morty) Like father, like 
               son. (thumps table) I change
 
               my vote. I vote to impeach!

               
                             BUILDING B
               Me too. I change my vote.

               
                             HERB
               All those in favour, say aye.

               
                             ALL
               Aye.

               
                             HERB
               All opposed.

               
               Morty forlornly raises his hand.

               
                             HERB
               The ayes have it. The motion passes.
 
               
               
               Jack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty.

               
                             HERB
               Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed 
               as condo president. As
 
               vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two 
               constitution, is
 
               hereby installed as president.

               
               Jack stands to acknowledge the honour.

               
                             HERB
               Hear, hear, Jack.

               
               Jack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud 
               him. A
 
               disgruntled Morty remains silent.

               
               
               (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)

               
               A weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door. 
               He knocks and
 
               there's no response.

               
                             NICK
               (weary) Alright, I know you're in there. 
               I know you can hear me. You win,
 
               okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? 
               Apology?
 
               Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I 
               see now how we
 
               made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why 
               we do it. (upset) I
 
               guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. 
               (reasonable) Well,
 
               that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no 
               more 'one to
 
               five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna 
               mean eleven
 
               o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell 
               you why. (worked
 
               up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost 
               sobbing)
 
               Anyway, that's it.

               
               The cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens, 
               and Kramer
 
               emerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a 
               few seconds. Then
 
               Kramer steps forward and they hug.

               
               
               (Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               Morty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home. 
               Helen holds his
 
               coat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him 
               a blue hat. Jerry
 
               enters through the front door.

               
                             JERRY
               The bags are in the car, I guess we 
               better go.
 
               
               Jerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over 
               her arm. Morty
 
               waits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He 
               stands by the
 
               door, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits, 
               closing the door
 
               behind him.

               
               
               (Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)

               
               The Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they 
               walk, they pass 
               the other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod 
               acknowledgement. As 
               they get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands 
               in the open door 
               of the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big 
               smile, and 
               arms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before 
               climbing into the 
               car. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and 
               Morty slowly drives the Cadillac away.

               
               
                                 THE END



The Cadillac Part 2



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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