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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE CARTOON



                           Written by

                        Bruce Eric Kaplan




 
               
               
               (Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking)

               
                             JERRY
               So you're saying UNICEF is a scam?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's the perfect cover for a money laundering 
               operation. No one can keep track of all those
               kids with the little orange boxes of change.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.

               
               
               
               We see Sally from a distance.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; 
               she moved to New York a few years ago 
               . she's trying to become an actress.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hmmm, Dramatica comedia heh!

               
                             JERRY
               Untalented, She's always inviting me 
               to see her in some bad play in tiny 
               room without ventilation.
 
               
               It's really depressing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She should just give up.

               
               She recognizes them.

               
                             JERRY
               Heeyyy!...

               
                             SALLY
               Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my 
               shows. I just came back. Whooo.....I'm 
               on my way to an audition...
               still waiting for that big break.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you just give up?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!!!

               
                             KRAMER
               At least that's what Jerry says. Now 
               face it. If it hasn't happen it's not 
               gonna happen.
 
               
               All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?
               
               Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless

               
                             JERRY
               So......Susan's dead.....

               
               
               
               At Monk's

               
                             KRAMER
               I think she was happy someone finally 
               said it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you have to say anything to her?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               'felt that the conversation was lagging.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why can't you ever keep your big mouth 
               shut?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I come in here to get a pleasant meal 
               and if we're not gonna have one I'll 
               grab a bite to eat at your
 
               
               place.

               
               Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, maybe Kramer is right, some 
               people should just give up . I have.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What did you wanna be?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't remember , but it certainly 
               wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in 
               the New Yorker, I don't get
 
               
               this.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't either.

               
                             ELAINE
               And you're on the fringe of the humor 
               business.
 
               
               George comes in

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! George look at this.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's cute.

               
                             ELAINE
               You got it?

               
                             GEORGE
               No , never mind.

               
                             ELAINE
               Come on , We're two intelligent people 
               here. We can figure this out. Now we 
               got a dog and a cat in
 
               
               an office.

               
                             JERRY
               It looks like my accountant's office 
               but there's no pets working there.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading 
               your E-mail".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe it's got something to do with 
               that 42 in the corner .
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's a page number.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well , I can't crack this one.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet 
               should be here any minute.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You've been hiding her from us. you 
               must really like her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we 
               just clicked. She's got such a nice 
               face. hummmm her eyes, her
 
               
               mouth, nose

               
                             ELAINE
               We know what a face consists of.

               
               Janet arrives

               
               Janet; I'm sorry I'm late.

               
               George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet.

               
                             JANET
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
               Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie?

               
               George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to 
               get some candy.
 
               
               George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they 
               leave.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry , She looks exactly like you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She does not.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.
 
               
               
               To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. 
               .George, George, Elaine, George again, 
               Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank 
               call.
 
               
               and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting 
               the business, you ruined her life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What! You're the one who ruined her 
               life.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well that's not how she remembers it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well , I got to talk her out of this.
 
               
               
               Kramer; I thought you said she stinks

               
                             JERRY
               She does stink and she should quit. 
               But I don't want it to be because of 
               me. It should be the
 
               
               traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's 
               spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
 
               
               Door buzzer rings

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah...

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! George and Janet.

               
                             KRAMER
               Aahh...Who's Janet?

               
                             JERRY
               George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks 
               she looks like me but I think it's as 
               you would say ,kookie talk.
 
               
               Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like; 
               Leena Horne.
 
               
                             ALL
               Hey, Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               And you must....look exactly like Jerry. 
               You don't see this; you're like twins 
               .. WOoooohhhhh!!!
 
               
               this is eerie.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet 
               doesn't look anything like Jerry
 
               
                             JANET
               well maybe we do look a little like 
               each other.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No..hummm , What do you know about what 
               you look like.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon George relax . Just because they 
               look alike doesn't mean you're secretly 
               in love with Jerry.
 
               
               George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.

               
                             JANET
               We just got here George

               
                             GEORGE
               Well,,, it's getting dark.

               
               They leave.

               
                             KRAMER
               yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet 
               though.
 
               
               Jerry slaps him in the back.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing? Don't tell a woman 
               she looks like a man and George doesn't 
               want to hear his
 
               
               girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I

               
                             KRAMER
               Well how should I have "broached the 
               subject"
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't broach, you keep your mouth 
               shut.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well sounds like someone's having a 
               bad day.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! Because of you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I think one of us should leave.
 
               
               
               They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to 
               Monks.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sally ,you can't quit the business. 
               This is all because of me.
 
               
                             SALLY
               (nods) Hehumm!!

               
                             JERRY
               You can't give up. You don't think people 
               tell me I stink?
 
               
               When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We 
               like magic.
 
               
                             SALLY
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Of course , I stink , you stink. It's 
               show bizz. everybody stinks..
 
               
                             SALLY
               Yeah! You've been stinking since the 
               Eighties.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right , I think we've covered my 
               act. Now you get out there and stink 
               it up with
 
               
               everybody else.

               
                             SALLY
               Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna 
               do it. (starts to eat her food)
 
               
                             JERRY
               NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry)
 
               
               
               Back to Jerry's place , evening.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I've asked every one at work and 
               nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't 
               understand why
 
               
               no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! I think we're at the bottom.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to George who just came in) Hey! George 
               , Janet looks very nice and she's quite 
               a handsome
 
               
               woman.

               
                             GEORGE
               What does that mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. What does that mean?

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Enjoy. ( she leaves)

               
               Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely..

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No....

               
                             GEORGE
               Why would I...

               
               Jerry; It's ludicrous..

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               For either one of us..

               
                             GEORGE
               No...

               
               Jerry; So...

               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not gay.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...neither am I.

               
                             BOTH
               Kramer, Kramer , get in here.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where's the crazy man , Come on up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on in here.

               
               AS Kramer steps out and comes in

               
                             GEORGE
               Haaaaaa!!!

               
                             JERRY
               What's happening? What, you doing , 
               come and talk to us.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I've made an important life decision.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Lets talk about that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't leave (George slams the door)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Aw right. I know I've been shooting 
               off at the mouth lately; First with 
               that girl whose life
 
               
               you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry

               
                             GEORGE
               What's the decision?

               
                             KRAMER
               I know you want me to keep my big mouth 
               shut and that's exactly what I'm going 
               to do.
 
               
               I'm never gonna talk again.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah right.

               
                             KRAMER
               What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For 
               to blab to the neighbors about George 
               has a new fem-Jerry
 
               
               friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all 
               mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of
 
               
               some girl and his best friend.

               
               See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Silence YES!!

               
               Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, ninety four percent of communications 
               is non-verbal. Here watch.
 
               
               Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying 
               "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well what does this mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction 
               of hearing George's man love towards 
               she-Jerry.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP , 
               SHUT UP,...(then leaves)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's the idea.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer there's no way you stick to this.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) 
               ..Weeeeeepp!!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! you just startin' now?

               
               Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.

               
               Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table
 
               
               
               Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!!

               
               Next day at the New Yorker

               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of 
               our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well we're hoping that if perhaps that 
               the catalog is a little funnier ,people
 
               
               
               won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. 
               I..I really do....Well I love this one
 
               
               Elaine shows him the cartoon

               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab 
               at inter office politics don't you think.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is 
               it that the, that the animals enjoy 
               reading the email?
 
               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like 
               gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. 
               heh..hemm..
 
               
               Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. 
               Why this is suppose to be funny?
 
               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary 
               mores. (slides the magazine to her)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               But, what is the comment. (she slides 
               the magazine back to him)
 
               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               It's a slice of life.

               
                             ELAINE
               No it isn't.

               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               Pun?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don,t think so.

               
                             MR ELINOFF
               Vorshtein?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's not a word.....You have no idea 
               what this means do you?
 
               
                             MR ELINOFF
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               Then why did you print it.

               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               I liked the kitty.

               
                             ELAINE
               (gets up) You know what? you people 
               should be ashamed of yourself, you know 
               ya doodle a couple of bears
 
               
               at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think 
               you're doing comedy.
 
               
                             MR. ELINOFF
               Actually that's not bad..

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... 
               I have others
 
               
               
               
               Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre

               
               Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman 
               show?
 
               
                             SALLY
               No, no.. It's just a little performance 
               piece I wrote... You know what? You 
               really inspired me ,oKay , a tear.
 
               
               
               Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts

               
                             JERRY
               Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence)
 
               
               
               Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...
 
               
               
               Applause, Sally starts her show

               
                             SALLY
               Hi everybody think you're really going 
               to like this 'cos it' about me...All 
               right it's not just about me
 
               
               It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; 
               The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this
 
               
               Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You 
               should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing
 
               
               Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks 
               instead of feet. ( big laughs from the
 
               
               audience and Kramer is cracking up)

               
                             JERRY
               ( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!

               
               Next day at Jerry's

               
                             ELAINE
               She does a full hour about how you're 
               the devil .I got to go see this thing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good luck , It's sold out for the next 
               three weeks.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I bet I can get in once I mention 
               I'm from ...The New Yorker.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The New Yorker?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with 
               their cartoon editor and I got him to 
               admit that that cartoon
 
               
               ...MADE NO SENSE....

               
                             JERRY
               Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew

               
                             ELAINE
               Then we ended up going out to lunch 
               and he had some great gossip about James 
               Thurber.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nodding off...

               
                             ELAINE
               ....And he said I could submit some 
               of my own cartoons.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow! that's incredible......But you 
               don't draw.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I do to.

               
                             JERRY
               What , your sad little horsies , the 
               house with the little curl of smoke 
               , the sunflower with the smiley
 
               
               face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves)

               
                             ELAINE
               It's better than your drawings of naked 
               Lois Lane.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where did you see that? Those are private!!!
 
               
               
               
               
               Back to Monks, same day

               
                             SALLY
               Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine 
               is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that 
               great? Do you hate me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No ,no I tought the show was terrific. 
               I was just wondering if you have to 
               keep saying Jerry Seinfeld
 
               
               is the devil.

               
                             SALLY
               Well...That is the title.

               
                             JERRY
               I know but I thought that maybe you 
               could mention how I apologized then 
               encouraged you to stick with it.
 
               
                             SALLY
               You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! 
               he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll 
               think...
 
               
               It's all a journey.

               
                             JERRY
               You got a little shmootz there (picks 
               something on her sweater)
 
               
               Newman shyly approaches the table

               
                             NEWMAN
               Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it 
               is you! I.. I've seen your show six 
               times..
 
               
                             JERRY
               What a surprise.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's 
               so great to see a show that's (looks 
               at Jerry) about something.
 
               
               Kramer climbs into a cab

               
                             DRIVER
               Where to?

               
               Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the 
               cab.
 
               
               Evening at Janet's apt.

               
                             GEORGE
               (we hear him think) My friends are idiots 
               , she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't 
               look like anybody.
 
               
               And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That 
               I could have everything I have with Jerry
 
               
               but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And 
               that somehow that would be exactly
 
               
               what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               You know I really do look like your 
               friend Jerry.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know....

               
               Back to Jerry's

               
                             TV ANNOUNCER
               Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave 
               you tonight with a scene from Sally 
               Weavers One woman show.
 
               
                             SALLY
               Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at 
               this horrible coffee shop right? And 
               he's like "Hey stop doing
 
               
               your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then 
               he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and
 
               
               he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know, 
               Hands Across America.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There really was shmootz on I didn't 
               try to grab her
 
               
                             SALLY
               ...And this is what he looks like when 
               he's eating...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Get Out of my House!!.

               
               Elaine walks in the door looking terrible

               
                             ELAINE
               Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up 
               all night but I finally came up with 
               a great New Yorker cartoon.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself 
               up a little before I'd go out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That is not the point.

               
                             JERRY
               some mouthwash , a hat , something.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Just read it!

               
                             JERRY
               (glances at it) Pretty good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem 
               . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What?
 
               
               
               It's funny.

               
                             JERRY
               It's a pig at a complain department.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               And he's saying " I wish I was taller" 
               ha ha. See? that's his complaint.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I get it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal 
               complaint.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How 'bout if it was something like " 
               I can't find my receipt my place's a 
               stye.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Everything with you has to be so .. 
               jokey.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm a comedian.

               
                             ELAINE
               I wish I was taller, that's, that's, 
               that's nice. that's real.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well I got a complaint. This cartoon 
               stinks.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks 
               , The New Yorker. that's right. They're 
               publishing it in their
 
               
               next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall 
               and he said you tried to grope Sally
 
               
               Weaver.

               
                             JERRY
               oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to 
               this.
 
               
               Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet 
               of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The pig says "my wife is a slut."

               
                             JERRY
               Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally 
               , yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted 
               to leave you a message that I
 
               
               caught your little piece on TV and..

               
               Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message 
               that Jerry left on her message.
 
               
                             JERRY
               ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing 
               how horrible I am and would appreciate 
               it if you would leave
 
               
               me out of your act all together.

               
                             JERRY
               (from the back of the club , leaving) 
               That's it I'm calling in the big guns.
 
               
               
               
               
               Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               To cease and desist on behalf of my 
               client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby 
               Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer.
 
               
               Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How could she say that on TV?.. And 
               how did she get a cable special . I 
               've never gotten a
 
               
               cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more 
               material. We are incommunicado.
 
               
               ( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.
 
               
               
               At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on 
               her door.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Check it out, from the new issue of 
               the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't 
               it? ( Dugan shrugs)
 
               
               Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna 
               say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet 
               another flat tire.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Can I fix that after lunch sir?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh! 
               a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller 
               (hearty laugh)
 
               
               I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and 
               he leaves)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart 
               people think this is funny and you want 
               to know why?
 
               
               'Cause I wrote it.

               
                             DUGAN
               You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he 
               leaves)
 
               
               Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized 
               why I like this cartoon so much.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Do tell sir?

               
               Peterman It's a Ziggy!

               
                             ELAINE
               A Ziggy?

               
                             PETERMAN
               That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize 
               it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen 
               a Ziggy and
 
               
               passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my 
               archives.
 
               
               
               
               In a restaurant later that evening.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know , you know what's great about 
               our relationship?...It's not about looks.
 
               
               
                             JANET
               It's not?

               
               George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first 
               met , we had a great conversation.
 
               
                             JANET
               I remember you said I was the prettiest 
               girl at the party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               ....But after that we really talked 
               didn't we?
 
               
                             JANET
               Well ,you told me how familiar I looked 
               and that you must have seen me somewhere 
               before.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has 
               got to be about something and fast or 
               I'm in very
 
               
               serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?

               
                             JANET
               You asked for a piece of gum because 
               you thought your breath smelled like 
               hummus.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll 
               take it.
 
               
                             JANET
               I like gum.

               
                             GEORGE
               I do too. you see that's what we're 
               about . You don't remind me of anyone 
               and we love gum.
 
               
                             JANET
               I have gum in my hair.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm losin' it

               
               Back to Monks

               
               Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy 
               , mind if I sit. My show is going really well.
 
               
               Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you 
               know what? I got recognized the other day,
 
               
               How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but 
               it's like Whoa!! take three steps back ,
 
               
               Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without 
               the fans, know what I mean.
 
               
               But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman , 
               Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally 
               is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't 
               spoken in days.
 
               
                             SALLY
               Well , lay it on me string bean.

               
               
               
               Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.

               
                             JANET
               Let me get this gum out of my hair and 
               then I'll be ready for bed.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for 
               me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.
 
               
               
                             JANET
               George.

               
               George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and 
               a jerry like blue shirt.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Your hair?

               
                             JANET
               Well I had to cut the gum out and I 
               had a little trouble getting it even. 
               So why don't you get undressed
 
               
               George. ( George speeds out the door)

               
                             GEORGE
               George is in big trouble....

               
               
               
               At Jerry's the next day.

               
                             JERRY
               You ripped off a Ziggy?

               
                             ELAINE
               It must've seeped up my subconscious 
               , Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you 
               read the comics today?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint 
               department.. "The New Yorker is stealing 
               my ideas."
 
               
               ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.

               
               Kramer comes in

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on 
               ( Kramer turns around to leave)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to 
               watch this , now she's got nothing.
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld 
               has broke off all contacts with me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's right sister. Why don't you just 
               give up?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why are you yelling at the TV?

               
                             SALLY
               ..OK get this; I heard he makes his 
               best friend date women that look just 
               like him.Hello issues..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine , have you been talking to her?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...

               
                             SALLY
               Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who 
               got a no-polish manicure and begged 
               his
 
               
               neighbor not to tell anyone?

               
                             JERRY
               ( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ...All right ..Starting now......

               
               
               
               Credits

               
               Epilogue at Monks

               
                             JERRY
               You broke up with her just because she 
               cut her hair! how short?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               like that (looking at Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               You mean like.. ( points to his hair)
 
               
               
               George; ..That.

               
                             JERRY
               So she..

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes..

               
                             JERRY
               And you don't...

               
                             GEORGE
               Nooo...

               
               Jerry; So...

               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly..

               
                             JERRY
               Hmmmm...

               
                             GEORGE
               We...must never ever speak of this again..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No , no......(long pause . they stare 
               at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see 
               a movie?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Actually I think I'm gonna take a few 
               days off (starts to leave)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think that's for the best.

               
               
               
               
                            THE END




The Cartoon



Writers :   Bruce Eric Kaplan
Genres :   Comedy


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