Bruce Eric Kaplan
(Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking)
So you're saying UNICEF is a scam?
It's the perfect cover for a money laundering
operation. No one can keep track of all those
kids with the little orange boxes of change.
Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.
We see Sally from a distance.
Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?
No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate;
she moved to New York a few years ago
. she's trying to become an actress.
Hmmm, Dramatica comedia heh!
Untalented, She's always inviting me
to see her in some bad play in tiny
room without ventilation.
It's really depressing.
Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.
She should just give up.
She recognizes them.
Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my
shows. I just came back. Whooo.....I'm
on my way to an audition...
still waiting for that big break.
Why don't you just give up?
At least that's what Jerry says. Now
face it. If it hasn't happen it's not
All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?
Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless
I think she was happy someone finally
Why'd you have to say anything to her?
'felt that the conversation was lagging.
Why can't you ever keep your big mouth
I come in here to get a pleasant meal
and if we're not gonna have one I'll
grab a bite to eat at your
Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.
You know, maybe Kramer is right, some
people should just give up . I have.
What did you wanna be?
I don't remember , but it certainly
wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in
the New Yorker, I don't get
I don't either.
And you're on the fringe of the humor
George comes in
Hey! George look at this.
You got it?
No , never mind.
Come on , We're two intelligent people
here. We can figure this out. Now we
got a dog and a cat in
It looks like my accountant's office
but there's no pets working there.
The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading
Maybe it's got something to do with
that 42 in the corner .
It's a page number.
Well , I can't crack this one.
Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.
try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet
should be here any minute.
You've been hiding her from us. you
must really like her?
Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we
just clicked. She's got such a nice
face. hummmm her eyes, her
We know what a face consists of.
Janet; I'm sorry I'm late.
George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet.
Nice to meet you.
Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie?
George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to
get some candy.
George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they
Jerry , She looks exactly like you.
She does not.
Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.
To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.
hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm..
.George, George, Elaine, George again,
Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank
and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting
the business, you ruined her life.
What! You're the one who ruined her
Well that's not how she remembers it.
Well , I got to talk her out of this.
Kramer; I thought you said she stinks
She does stink and she should quit.
But I don't want it to be because of
me. It should be the
traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's
spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
Door buzzer rings
Hey! George and Janet.
George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks
she looks like me but I think it's as
you would say ,kookie talk.
Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like;
And you must....look exactly like Jerry.
You don't see this; you're like twins
this is eerie.
Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet
doesn't look anything like Jerry
well maybe we do look a little like
No..hummm , What do you know about what
you look like.
C'mon George relax . Just because they
look alike doesn't mean you're secretly
in love with Jerry.
George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.
We just got here George
Well,,, it's getting dark.
yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet
Jerry slaps him in the back.
What are you doing? Don't tell a woman
she looks like a man and George doesn't
want to hear his
girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I
Well how should I have "broached the
You don't broach, you keep your mouth
Well sounds like someone's having a
Yeah! Because of you.
Well, I think one of us should leave.
They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to
Sally ,you can't quit the business.
This is all because of me.
You can't give up. You don't think people
tell me I stink?
When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We
Of course , I stink , you stink. It's
show bizz. everybody stinks..
Yeah! You've been stinking since the
All right , I think we've covered my
act. Now you get out there and stink
it up with
Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna
do it. (starts to eat her food)
NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry)
Back to Jerry's place , evening.
Well I've asked every one at work and
nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't
no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Oh! I think we're at the bottom.
(to George who just came in) Hey! George
, Janet looks very nice and she's quite
What does that mean?
Yeah. What does that mean?
(to Jerry) What do you mean by that?
Enjoy. ( she leaves)
Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely..
Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..
Why would I...
Jerry; It's ludicrous..
For either one of us..
I'm not gay.
...neither am I.
Kramer, Kramer , get in here.
Where's the crazy man , Come on up.
Come on in here.
AS Kramer steps out and comes in
What's happening? What, you doing ,
come and talk to us.
I've made an important life decision.
Lets talk about that.
Don't leave (George slams the door)
Aw right. I know I've been shooting
off at the mouth lately; First with
that girl whose life
you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry
What's the decision?
I know you want me to keep my big mouth
shut and that's exactly what I'm going
I'm never gonna talk again.
What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For
to blab to the neighbors about George
has a new fem-Jerry
friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all
mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of
some girl and his best friend.
See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.
Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
Jerry, ninety four percent of communications
is non-verbal. Here watch.
Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying
"What are you talking about, twice and then some crying)
Well what does this mean?
Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction
of hearing George's man love towards
(frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP ,
SHUT UP,...(then leaves)
That's the idea.
Kramer there's no way you stick to this.
(makes a zipper gesture to his mouth)
Oh! you just startin' now?
Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.
Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table
Next day at the New Yorker
So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of
our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?
Well we're hoping that if perhaps that
the catalog is a little funnier ,people
won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example..
I..I really do....Well I love this one
Elaine shows him the cartoon
Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab
at inter office politics don't you think.
Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is
it that the, that the animals enjoy
reading the email?
Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like
gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer.
Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me.
Why this is suppose to be funny?
Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary
mores. (slides the magazine to her)
But, what is the comment. (she slides
the magazine back to him)
It's a slice of life.
No it isn't.
I don,t think so.
That's not a word.....You have no idea
what this means do you?
Then why did you print it.
I liked the kitty.
(gets up) You know what? you people
should be ashamed of yourself, you know
ya doodle a couple of bears
at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think
you're doing comedy.
Actually that's not bad..
Oh! really (laughs) well you know.....
I have others
Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre
Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman
No, no.. It's just a little performance
piece I wrote... You know what? You
really inspired me ,oKay , a tear.
Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts
Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence)
Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...
Applause, Sally starts her show
Hi everybody think you're really going
to like this 'cos it' about me...All
right it's not just about me
It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call;
The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this
Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You
should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing
Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks
instead of feet. ( big laughs from the
audience and Kramer is cracking up)
( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!
Next day at Jerry's
She does a full hour about how you're
the devil .I got to go see this thing.
Good luck , It's sold out for the next
Well I bet I can get in once I mention
I'm from ...The New Yorker.
The New Yorker?
Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with
their cartoon editor and I got him to
admit that that cartoon
...MADE NO SENSE....
Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew
Then we ended up going out to lunch
and he had some great gossip about James
....And he said I could submit some
of my own cartoons.
Wow! that's incredible......But you
I do to.
What , your sad little horsies , the
house with the little curl of smoke
, the sunflower with the smiley
face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves)
It's better than your drawings of naked
Where did you see that? Those are private!!!
Back to Monks, same day
Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine
is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that
great? Do you hate me?
No ,no I tought the show was terrific.
I was just wondering if you have to
keep saying Jerry Seinfeld
is the devil.
Well...That is the title.
I know but I thought that maybe you
could mention how I apologized then
encouraged you to stick with it.
You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!!
he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll
It's all a journey.
You got a little shmootz there (picks
something on her sweater)
Newman shyly approaches the table
Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it
is you! I.. I've seen your show six
What a surprise.
Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's
so great to see a show that's (looks
at Jerry) about something.
Kramer climbs into a cab
Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the
Evening at Janet's apt.
(we hear him think) My friends are idiots
, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't
look like anybody.
And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That
I could have everything I have with Jerry
but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And
that somehow that would be exactly
what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..
You know I really do look like your
Back to Jerry's
Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave
you tonight with a scene from Sally
Weavers One woman show.
Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at
this horrible coffee shop right? And
he's like "Hey stop doing
your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then
he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and
he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know,
Hands Across America.
There really was shmootz on I didn't
try to grab her
...And this is what he looks like when
Get Out of my House!!.
Elaine walks in the door looking terrible
Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up
all night but I finally came up with
a great New Yorker cartoon.
I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself
up a little before I'd go out.
That is not the point.
some mouthwash , a hat , something.
Just read it!
(glances at it) Pretty good.
Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem
. Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What?
It's a pig at a complain department.
And he's saying " I wish I was taller"
ha ha. See? that's his complaint.
I get it.
Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal
How 'bout if it was something like "
I can't find my receipt my place's a
Everything with you has to be so ..
I'm a comedian.
I wish I was taller, that's, that's,
that's nice. that's real.
Well I got a complaint. This cartoon
I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks
, The New Yorker. that's right. They're
publishing it in their
next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall
and he said you tried to grope Sally
oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to
Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet
of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.
The pig says "my wife is a slut."
Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally
, yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted
to leave you a message that I
caught your little piece on TV and..
Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message
that Jerry left on her message.
....I'm getting a little tired of hearing
how horrible I am and would appreciate
it if you would leave
me out of your act all together.
(from the back of the club , leaving)
That's it I'm calling in the big guns.
Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.
To cease and desist on behalf of my
client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby
Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer.
Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You
How could she say that on TV?.. And
how did she get a cable special . I
've never gotten a
cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more
material. We are incommunicado.
( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.
At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on
Check it out, from the new issue of
the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't
it? ( Dugan shrugs)
Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna
say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.
Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet
another flat tire.
Can I fix that after lunch sir?
Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh!
a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller
I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and
(to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart
people think this is funny and you want
to know why?
'Cause I wrote it.
You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he
Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized
why I like this cartoon so much.
Oh! Do tell sir?
Peterman It's a Ziggy!
That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize
it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen
a Ziggy and
passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my
In a restaurant later that evening.
You know , you know what's great about
our relationship?...It's not about looks.
George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first
met , we had a great conversation.
I remember you said I was the prettiest
girl at the party.
....But after that we really talked
Well ,you told me how familiar I looked
and that you must have seen me somewhere
Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has
got to be about something and fast or
I'm in very
serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?
You asked for a piece of gum because
you thought your breath smelled like
Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll
I like gum.
I do too. you see that's what we're
about . You don't remind me of anyone
and we love gum.
I have gum in my hair.
I'm losin' it
Back to Monks
Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy
, mind if I sit. My show is going really well.
Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you
know what? I got recognized the other day,
How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but
it's like Whoa!! take three steps back ,
Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without
the fans, know what I mean.
But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman ,
Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person...
(loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally
is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't
spoken in days.
Well , lay it on me string bean.
Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.
Let me get this gum out of my hair and
then I'll be ready for bed.
OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for
me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.
George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and
a jerry like blue shirt.
Well I had to cut the gum out and I
had a little trouble getting it even.
So why don't you get undressed
George. ( George speeds out the door)
George is in big trouble....
At Jerry's the next day.
You ripped off a Ziggy?
It must've seeped up my subconscious
, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you
read the comics today?
I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint
department.. "The New Yorker is stealing
ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.
Kramer comes in
Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on
( Kramer turns around to leave)
Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to
watch this , now she's got nothing.
(on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld
has broke off all contacts with me.
That's right sister. Why don't you just
Why are you yelling at the TV?
..OK get this; I heard he makes his
best friend date women that look just
like him.Hello issues..
Elaine , have you been talking to her?
Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...
Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who
got a no-polish manicure and begged
neighbor not to tell anyone?
( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??
...All right ..Starting now......
Epilogue at Monks
You broke up with her just because she
cut her hair! how short?
like that (looking at Jerry)
You mean like.. ( points to his hair)
And you don't...
We...must never ever speak of this again..
No , no......(long pause . they stare
at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see
Actually I think I'm gonna take a few
days off (starts to leave)
I think that's for the best.