THE CARTOON
Written by
Bruce Eric Kaplan
(Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking)
JERRY
So you're saying UNICEF is a scam?
KRAMER
It's the perfect cover for a money laundering
operation. No one can keep track of all those
kids with the little orange boxes of change.
JERRY
Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.
We see Sally from a distance.
KRAMER
Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?
JERRY
No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate;
she moved to New York a few years ago
. she's trying to become an actress.
KRAMER
Hmmm, Dramatica comedia heh!
JERRY
Untalented, She's always inviting me
to see her in some bad play in tiny
room without ventilation.
It's really depressing.
KRAMER
Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.
JERRY
She should just give up.
She recognizes them.
JERRY
Heeyyy!...
SALLY
Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my
shows. I just came back. Whooo.....I'm
on my way to an audition...
still waiting for that big break.
KRAMER
Why don't you just give up?
JERRY
Kramer!!!
KRAMER
At least that's what Jerry says. Now
face it. If it hasn't happen it's not
gonna happen.
All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?
Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless
JERRY
So......Susan's dead.....
At Monk's
KRAMER
I think she was happy someone finally
said it.
JERRY
Why'd you have to say anything to her?
KRAMER
'felt that the conversation was lagging.
JERRY
Why can't you ever keep your big mouth
shut?
KRAMER
I come in here to get a pleasant meal
and if we're not gonna have one I'll
grab a bite to eat at your
place.
Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.
ELAINE
You know, maybe Kramer is right, some
people should just give up . I have.
JERRY
What did you wanna be?
ELAINE
I don't remember , but it certainly
wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in
the New Yorker, I don't get
this.
JERRY
I don't either.
ELAINE
And you're on the fringe of the humor
business.
George comes in
GEORGE
Hey!
ELAINE
Hey! George look at this.
GEORGE
That's cute.
ELAINE
You got it?
GEORGE
No , never mind.
ELAINE
Come on , We're two intelligent people
here. We can figure this out. Now we
got a dog and a cat in
an office.
JERRY
It looks like my accountant's office
but there's no pets working there.
ELAINE
The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading
your E-mail".
GEORGE
Maybe it's got something to do with
that 42 in the corner .
ELAINE
It's a page number.
GEORGE
Well , I can't crack this one.
ELAINE
Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.
GEORGE
try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet
should be here any minute.
JERRY
You've been hiding her from us. you
must really like her?
GEORGE
Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we
just clicked. She's got such a nice
face. hummmm her eyes, her
mouth, nose
ELAINE
We know what a face consists of.
Janet arrives
Janet; I'm sorry I'm late.
George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet.
JANET
Nice to meet you.
ELAINE
Hi!
Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie?
George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to
get some candy.
George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they
leave.
ELAINE
Jerry , She looks exactly like you.
JERRY
She does not.
ELAINE
Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.
To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.
JERRY
Hey! Kramer.
KRAMER
hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm..
.George, George, Elaine, George again,
Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank
call.
and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting
the business, you ruined her life.
JERRY
What! You're the one who ruined her
life.
KRAMER
Well that's not how she remembers it.
JERRY
Well , I got to talk her out of this.
Kramer; I thought you said she stinks
JERRY
She does stink and she should quit.
But I don't want it to be because of
me. It should be the
traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's
spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
Door buzzer rings
JERRY
Yeah...
GEORGE
Hey! George and Janet.
KRAMER
Aahh...Who's Janet?
JERRY
George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks
she looks like me but I think it's as
you would say ,kookie talk.
Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like;
Leena Horne.
ALL
Hey, Hey!
KRAMER
And you must....look exactly like Jerry.
You don't see this; you're like twins
.. WOoooohhhhh!!!
this is eerie.
GEORGE
Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet
doesn't look anything like Jerry
JANET
well maybe we do look a little like
each other.
GEORGE
No..hummm , What do you know about what
you look like.
KRAMER
C'mon George relax . Just because they
look alike doesn't mean you're secretly
in love with Jerry.
George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.
JANET
We just got here George
GEORGE
Well,,, it's getting dark.
They leave.
KRAMER
yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet
though.
Jerry slaps him in the back.
JERRY
What are you doing? Don't tell a woman
she looks like a man and George doesn't
want to hear his
girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I
KRAMER
Well how should I have "broached the
subject"
JERRY
You don't broach, you keep your mouth
shut.
KRAMER
Well sounds like someone's having a
bad day.
JERRY
Yeah! Because of you.
KRAMER
Well, I think one of us should leave.
They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to
Monks.
JERRY
Sally ,you can't quit the business.
This is all because of me.
SALLY
(nods) Hehumm!!
JERRY
You can't give up. You don't think people
tell me I stink?
When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We
like magic.
SALLY
Really?
JERRY
Of course , I stink , you stink. It's
show bizz. everybody stinks..
SALLY
Yeah! You've been stinking since the
Eighties.
JERRY
All right , I think we've covered my
act. Now you get out there and stink
it up with
everybody else.
SALLY
Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna
do it. (starts to eat her food)
JERRY
NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry)
Back to Jerry's place , evening.
ELAINE
Well I've asked every one at work and
nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't
understand why
no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
JERRY
Oh! I think we're at the bottom.
ELAINE
(to George who just came in) Hey! George
, Janet looks very nice and she's quite
a handsome
woman.
GEORGE
What does that mean?
JERRY
Yeah. What does that mean?
GEORGE
(to Jerry) What do you mean by that?
ELAINE
Enjoy. ( she leaves)
Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely..
GEORGE
Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..
JERRY
No....
GEORGE
Why would I...
Jerry; It's ludicrous..
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
For either one of us..
GEORGE
No...
Jerry; So...
GEORGE
Exactly.
JERRY
I'm not gay.
GEORGE
...neither am I.
BOTH
Kramer, Kramer , get in here.
GEORGE
Where's the crazy man , Come on up.
JERRY
Come on in here.
AS Kramer steps out and comes in
GEORGE
Haaaaaa!!!
JERRY
What's happening? What, you doing ,
come and talk to us.
KRAMER
I've made an important life decision.
JERRY
Lets talk about that.
GEORGE
Don't leave (George slams the door)
KRAMER
Aw right. I know I've been shooting
off at the mouth lately; First with
that girl whose life
you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry
GEORGE
What's the decision?
KRAMER
I know you want me to keep my big mouth
shut and that's exactly what I'm going
to do.
I'm never gonna talk again.
JERRY
Yeah right.
KRAMER
What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For
to blab to the neighbors about George
has a new fem-Jerry
friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all
mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of
some girl and his best friend.
See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.
GEORGE
Silence YES!!
Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
KRAMER
Jerry, ninety four percent of communications
is non-verbal. Here watch.
Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying
"What are you talking about, twice and then some crying)
JERRY
Well what does this mean?
KRAMER
Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction
of hearing George's man love towards
she-Jerry.
GEORGE
(frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP ,
SHUT UP,...(then leaves)
KRAMER
That's the idea.
JERRY
Kramer there's no way you stick to this.
KRAMER
(makes a zipper gesture to his mouth)
..Weeeeeepp!!
JERRY
Oh! you just startin' now?
Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.
Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table
Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!!
Next day at the New Yorker
MR. ELINOFF
So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of
our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?
ELAINE
Well we're hoping that if perhaps that
the catalog is a little funnier ,people
won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example..
I..I really do....Well I love this one
Elaine shows him the cartoon
MR. ELINOFF
Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab
at inter office politics don't you think.
ELAINE
Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is
it that the, that the animals enjoy
reading the email?
MR. ELINOFF
Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like
gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer.
heh..hemm..
Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me.
Why this is suppose to be funny?
MR. ELINOFF
Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary
mores. (slides the magazine to her)
ELAINE
But, what is the comment. (she slides
the magazine back to him)
MR. ELINOFF
It's a slice of life.
ELAINE
No it isn't.
MR. ELINOFF
Pun?
ELAINE
I don,t think so.
MR ELINOFF
Vorshtein?
ELAINE
That's not a word.....You have no idea
what this means do you?
MR ELINOFF
No.
ELAINE
Then why did you print it.
MR. ELINOFF
I liked the kitty.
ELAINE
(gets up) You know what? you people
should be ashamed of yourself, you know
ya doodle a couple of bears
at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think
you're doing comedy.
MR. ELINOFF
Actually that's not bad..
ELAINE
Oh! really (laughs) well you know.....
I have others
Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre
Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman
show?
SALLY
No, no.. It's just a little performance
piece I wrote... You know what? You
really inspired me ,oKay , a tear.
Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts
JERRY
Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence)
Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...
Applause, Sally starts her show
SALLY
Hi everybody think you're really going
to like this 'cos it' about me...All
right it's not just about me
It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call;
The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this
Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You
should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing
Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks
instead of feet. ( big laughs from the
audience and Kramer is cracking up)
JERRY
( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!
Next day at Jerry's
ELAINE
She does a full hour about how you're
the devil .I got to go see this thing.
JERRY
Good luck , It's sold out for the next
three weeks.
ELAINE
Well I bet I can get in once I mention
I'm from ...The New Yorker.
JERRY
The New Yorker?
ELAINE
Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with
their cartoon editor and I got him to
admit that that cartoon
...MADE NO SENSE....
JERRY
Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew
ELAINE
Then we ended up going out to lunch
and he had some great gossip about James
Thurber.
JERRY
Nodding off...
ELAINE
....And he said I could submit some
of my own cartoons.
JERRY
Wow! that's incredible......But you
don't draw.
ELAINE
I do to.
JERRY
What , your sad little horsies , the
house with the little curl of smoke
, the sunflower with the smiley
face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves)
ELAINE
It's better than your drawings of naked
Lois Lane.
JERRY
Where did you see that? Those are private!!!
Back to Monks, same day
SALLY
Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine
is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that
great? Do you hate me?
JERRY
No ,no I tought the show was terrific.
I was just wondering if you have to
keep saying Jerry Seinfeld
is the devil.
SALLY
Well...That is the title.
JERRY
I know but I thought that maybe you
could mention how I apologized then
encouraged you to stick with it.
SALLY
You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!!
he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll
think...
It's all a journey.
JERRY
You got a little shmootz there (picks
something on her sweater)
Newman shyly approaches the table
NEWMAN
Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it
is you! I.. I've seen your show six
times..
JERRY
What a surprise.
NEWMAN
Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's
so great to see a show that's (looks
at Jerry) about something.
Kramer climbs into a cab
DRIVER
Where to?
Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the
cab.
Evening at Janet's apt.
GEORGE
(we hear him think) My friends are idiots
, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't
look like anybody.
And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That
I could have everything I have with Jerry
but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And
that somehow that would be exactly
what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..
SALLY
You know I really do look like your
friend Jerry.
GEORGE
I know....
Back to Jerry's
TV ANNOUNCER
Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave
you tonight with a scene from Sally
Weavers One woman show.
SALLY
Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at
this horrible coffee shop right? And
he's like "Hey stop doing
your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then
he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and
he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know,
Hands Across America.
JERRY
There really was shmootz on I didn't
try to grab her
SALLY
...And this is what he looks like when
he's eating...
JERRY
Get Out of my House!!.
Elaine walks in the door looking terrible
ELAINE
Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up
all night but I finally came up with
a great New Yorker cartoon.
JERRY
I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself
up a little before I'd go out.
ELAINE
That is not the point.
JERRY
some mouthwash , a hat , something.
ELAINE
Just read it!
JERRY
(glances at it) Pretty good.
ELAINE
Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem
. Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What?
It's funny.
JERRY
It's a pig at a complain department.
ELAINE
And he's saying " I wish I was taller"
ha ha. See? that's his complaint.
JERRY
I get it.
ELAINE
Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal
complaint.
JERRY
How 'bout if it was something like "
I can't find my receipt my place's a
stye.
ELAINE
Everything with you has to be so ..
jokey.
JERRY
I'm a comedian.
ELAINE
I wish I was taller, that's, that's,
that's nice. that's real.
JERRY
Well I got a complaint. This cartoon
stinks.
ELAINE
I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks
, The New Yorker. that's right. They're
publishing it in their
next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall
and he said you tried to grope Sally
Weaver.
JERRY
oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to
this.
Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet
of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.
ELAINE
The pig says "my wife is a slut."
JERRY
Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally
, yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted
to leave you a message that I
caught your little piece on TV and..
Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message
that Jerry left on her message.
JERRY
....I'm getting a little tired of hearing
how horrible I am and would appreciate
it if you would leave
me out of your act all together.
JERRY
(from the back of the club , leaving)
That's it I'm calling in the big guns.
Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.
SALLY
To cease and desist on behalf of my
client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby
Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer.
Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You
JERRY
How could she say that on TV?.. And
how did she get a cable special . I
've never gotten a
cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more
material. We are incommunicado.
( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.
At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on
her door.
ELAINE
Check it out, from the new issue of
the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't
it? ( Dugan shrugs)
Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna
say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet
another flat tire.
ELAINE
Can I fix that after lunch sir?
PETERMAN
Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh!
a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller
(hearty laugh)
I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and
he leaves)
ELAINE
(to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart
people think this is funny and you want
to know why?
'Cause I wrote it.
DUGAN
You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he
leaves)
Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized
why I like this cartoon so much.
ELAINE
Oh! Do tell sir?
Peterman It's a Ziggy!
ELAINE
A Ziggy?
PETERMAN
That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize
it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen
a Ziggy and
passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my
archives.
In a restaurant later that evening.
GEORGE
You know , you know what's great about
our relationship?...It's not about looks.
JANET
It's not?
George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first
met , we had a great conversation.
JANET
I remember you said I was the prettiest
girl at the party.
GEORGE
....But after that we really talked
didn't we?
JANET
Well ,you told me how familiar I looked
and that you must have seen me somewhere
before.
GEORGE
Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has
got to be about something and fast or
I'm in very
serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?
JANET
You asked for a piece of gum because
you thought your breath smelled like
hummus.
GEORGE
Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll
take it.
JANET
I like gum.
GEORGE
I do too. you see that's what we're
about . You don't remind me of anyone
and we love gum.
JANET
I have gum in my hair.
GEORGE
I'm losin' it
Back to Monks
Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy
, mind if I sit. My show is going really well.
Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you
know what? I got recognized the other day,
How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but
it's like Whoa!! take three steps back ,
Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without
the fans, know what I mean.
But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman ,
Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person...
KRAMER
(loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally
is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't
spoken in days.
SALLY
Well , lay it on me string bean.
Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.
JANET
Let me get this gum out of my hair and
then I'll be ready for bed.
GEORGE
OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for
me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.
JANET
George.
George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and
a jerry like blue shirt.
GEORGE
Your hair?
JANET
Well I had to cut the gum out and I
had a little trouble getting it even.
So why don't you get undressed
George. ( George speeds out the door)
GEORGE
George is in big trouble....
At Jerry's the next day.
JERRY
You ripped off a Ziggy?
ELAINE
It must've seeped up my subconscious
, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you
read the comics today?
JERRY
I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint
department.. "The New Yorker is stealing
my ideas."
ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.
Kramer comes in
ELAINE
Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on
( Kramer turns around to leave)
JERRY
Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to
watch this , now she's got nothing.
SALLY
(on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld
has broke off all contacts with me.
JERRY
That's right sister. Why don't you just
give up?
ELAINE
Why are you yelling at the TV?
SALLY
..OK get this; I heard he makes his
best friend date women that look just
like him.Hello issues..
JERRY
Elaine , have you been talking to her?
ELAINE
Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...
SALLY
Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who
got a no-polish manicure and begged
his
neighbor not to tell anyone?
JERRY
( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??
KRAMER
...All right ..Starting now......
Credits
Epilogue at Monks
JERRY
You broke up with her just because she
cut her hair! how short?
GEORGE
like that (looking at Jerry)
JERRY
You mean like.. ( points to his hair)
George; ..That.
JERRY
So she..
GEORGE
Yes..
JERRY
And you don't...
GEORGE
Nooo...
Jerry; So...
GEORGE
Exactly..
JERRY
Hmmmm...
GEORGE
We...must never ever speak of this again..
JERRY
No , no......(long pause . they stare
at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see
a movie?
GEORGE
Actually I think I'm gonna take a few
days off (starts to leave)
JERRY
I think that's for the best.
THE END
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