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                             THE CHECKS



                             Written by

               Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple 
               of carrier bags
 
               she's fussing with the contents of.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, have you seen all these new commercials 
               for indigestion drugs?
 
               Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh, the whole country's sick to their 
               stomach.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Now, you know you're supposed to take 
               these things before you get
 
               sick?

               
               Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is this, a 'bit'?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cos I'm not in the mood.

               
                             JERRY
               We're just talking. Is this not the 
               greatest marketing ploy ever? If
 
               you feel good, you're supposed to take one!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They've opened up a whole new market. 
               Medication for the well.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (tired) Alright, are you done with your 
               little amusement?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It was okay, but move the 'medication 
               for the well' to the front, and
 
               hit the word 'good' harder.

               
                             JERRY
               (thinking) Great. Thanks.

               
               
               (Some Fancy Place)

               
               The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around, 
               chatting and
 
               drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the 
               room, carrying
 
               drinks.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, your firm designed all the furniture 
               in here?
 
               
                             BRETT
               We manufacture it. The original designs 
               are by Karl Farbman.
 
               
               Elaine and Brett sit on a couch

               
                             ELAINE
               (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.

               
                             BRETT
               You know Farbman?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mm, love Farbman.
 
               
                             BRETT
               Most people go their whole lives without 
               sitting in a Farbman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) 
               Ahaha.
 
               
               Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears 
               the music and
 
               is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to 
               everything but
 
               the song.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed 
               shoes?
 
               
               Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to 
               stare off into
 
               the distance.

               
                             ELAINE
               Brett? Don't you think that would be 
               great?
 
               
               Brett still doesn't react.

               
                             ELAINE
               Brett?

               
                             BRETT
               (still staring off) After the song, 
               babe.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh?

               
                             BRETT
               The song.

               
               Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by 
               his
 
               sensitivity.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant 
               and walk
 
               along the street.

               
                             JERRY
               So when do I meet this jerk?

               
                             ELAINE
               He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works 
               with Karl Farbman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             ELAINE
               (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. 
               Anyway, Brett is so generous,
 
               and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What song?

               
                             ELAINE
               Desperado.

               
                             JERRY
               Desperado?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh huh.

               
                             JERRY
               And you're still dating him? I tell 
               you who sounds a little desperado.
 
               
               
               Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk, 
               twirling a
 
               brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder.

               
                             JERRY
               (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, 
               twirling that umbrella.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh huh.

               
                             JERRY
               I invented that.

               
                             ELAINE
               That, had to be invented?

               
                             JERRY
               When I started out as a comedian, I 
               sold umbrellas. It was my idea to
 
               
               twirl it, to attract customers.

               
               Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced.

               
                             ELAINE
               (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why 
               don't we ask him about it?
 
               
               Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, 
               my, uh, friend here says that he
 
               invented that little twirl you're doing.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. 
               The man doesn't want a history
 
               lesson.

               
                             CLICKY
               Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (looking at Jerry) Ohh.

               
                             JERRY
               I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with 
               him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
 
               
                             CLICKY
               Yeah, that's where he come up with it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               In his dreams.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, can we (glances at her watch) 
               go?
 
               
               Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing 
               it too fast. You'll disorient the
 
               
               customers.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits 
               in a chair
 
               with a magazine.

               
                             JERRY
               It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. 
               Who buys an umbrella anyway?
 
               Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong 
               to people.
 
               
               Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the 
               kitchen. The
 
               door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This 
               was downstairs for you.
 
               Ker-ching.

               
                             JERRY
               (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more 
               checks. They're coming faster
 
               than I can sign 'em.

               
                             GEORGE
               What checks?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star 
               in Japan.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know why. There's a one-second 
               clip of me in the opening
 
               credits of some Japanese comedy show.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (opening the envelope and pulling out 
               a stack of checks) They run it
 
               all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at all of those! You're rich!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. 
               It's barely worth the pain in
 
               my hand to sign 'em.

               
               Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella. 
               He reaches
 
               under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally 
               opens it.
 
               He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               (getting a bottle of water out of the 
               fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's
 
               new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of 
               drawers. It's
 
               a Farbman.

               
               George wanders over.

               
                             GEORGE
               He's giving you furniture? Who is this 
               guy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, who are any of her losers?

               
                             GEORGE
               (dryly) You're on that list.

               
               George goes and gets his coat.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, I gotta go home and open up 
               with the house for the carpet
 
               cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five 
               dollars.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet 
               Cleaners?
 
               
                             EGO
               Yeah, you heard of 'em?

               
                             KRAMER
               They're a crazy religious cult. The 
               carpet cleaning is just a means
 
               for them to get into your apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, 
               I can listen to some pointless
 
               blather.

               
                             JERRY
               I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
 
               
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand, 
               as if it's
 
               giving him discomfort.

               
                             JERRY
               Signed over a hundred checks this morning.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hello, twelve dollars.

               
               Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One 
               of them steps
 
               forward, holding out a camera.

               
                             MR OH
               Excuse me. Would you take picture please?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.

               
               Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another 
               umbrella
 
               salesman, twirling his wares.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm gonna ask this guy something.

               
               Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture 
               of the
 
               three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them 
               all, and
 
               stumbles off the curb.

               
                             JERRY
               (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you 
               got there. You know who invented
 
               that, don't you?

               
               Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks 
               over toward
 
               Jerry, and thinks for a second.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from 
               Japan.
 
               
                             MR YAMAGUCHI
               Hai.

               
                             MR OH
               Yes.

               
                             KRAMER
               (points over to Jerry) You recognise 
               that mug?
 
               
               Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the 
               twirl to the
 
               guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and 
               arm waving.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's the funny face that greets you 
               at the beginning of the Super
 
               Terrific Happy Hour.

               
                             MR OH
               Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...

               
               The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.

               
               Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still 
               talking
 
               vigorously to the umbrella guy.

               
                             MR OH
               What is he doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I don't know. But something super 
               terrific, I'm sure.
 
               
                             MR OH
               He's funny.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't 
               be impolite to laugh at his
 
               antics.

               
               Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed 
               guy
 
               watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody 
               laughs at Jerry here in
 
               America.

               
               Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry.
 
               
               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living 
               room. Two of
 
               them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave, 
               The third, the
 
               leader, has a notebook.

               
                             CREW LEADER
               (calling to George) We're pretty much 
               finished.
 
               
               George enters from another room.

               
                             CREW LEADER
               There's just one more thing.

               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
 
               
               
               The leader opens his book and holds up a check.

               
                             CREW LEADER
               (clears throat) You forgot to sign your 
               check.
 
               
               The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his 
               signature.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, 
               uh, there isn't anything
 
               else?

               
                             CREW LEADER
               (flat) No.

               
               The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader 
               toward the
 
               door, looking disappointed.

               
                             GEORGE
               (let down) So, that's it?

               
                             CREW LEADER
               Unless you need a receipt.

               
                             GEORGE
               (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. 
               Life can be so confusing.
 
               I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.

               
                             CREW LEADER
               (flat) Good luck with that.

               
               The leader closes the door on a perplexed George.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his 
               pen awkwardly
 
               in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and 
               notices his
 
               hand.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's with the claw?

               
                             JERRY
               Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
 
               
               
               Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters.
 
               
               
                             BRETT
               (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
               Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the 
               position of the
 
               fingers in his wave back.

               
                             BRETT
               That's very funny. Elaine told me you 
               were some kinda comedian.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I'm one kind.

               
               Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge.

               
                             ELAINE
               Have you seen the chest of drawers that 
               Brett gave to Kramer?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The Fleckman.

               
                             BRETT
               Farbman.

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             ELAINE
               You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.

               
                             JERRY
               (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
 
               
               
                             BRETT
               I'd be happy to get you some if that's 
               what you're driving at.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. I'm fine, thank you.

               
                             BRETT
               Don't worry. It's no charge to you.
 
               
               
               Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk.

               
                             BRETT
               Looks like what you really need is a 
               decent desk for writing your
 
               skits.

               
                             JERRY
               (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
 
               
               
                             BRETT
               (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course 
               you don't. You don't have a
 
               proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have 
               a fax machine.
 
               
                             BRETT
               (quiet) Oops.

               
               Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed.

               
                             BRETT
               Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for 
               you soon. Elaine, maybe we should
 
               
               get going.

               
               Brett opens the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?
 
               
               
                             BRETT
               (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can 
               do a little better than that. You
 
               
               look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.

               
                             JERRY
               You look like you could use a...

               
                             ELAINE
               (warning) Jerry.

               
               
               (Saks)

               
               Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer 
               picks up a
 
               Stetson and reads the price tag.

               
                             KRAMER
               (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, 
               Mr Oh, how much would these run
 
               you in Tokyo?

               
               Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look.

               
                             MR OH
               (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, 
               thirty thousand yen.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are 
               practically free.
 
               
               Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head.

               
                             KRAMER
               Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.

               
               Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese.

               
               
               (Brett's Car)

               
               Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari.

               
                             BRETT
               I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. 
               He's upset that I gave Kramer
 
               that chest of drawers, isn't he?

               
                             ELAINE
               Why? Why d'you think he's upset?

               
                             BRETT
               How could he not be? Living in that 
               cramped little apartment. And
 
               outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.

               
                             ELAINE
               (romantic) We're not gonna talk about 
               Karl Farbman all night, are we?
 
               
                             BRETT
               (smiling) I hope not.

               
               Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss, 
               the Eagles'
 
               Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the 
               kiss, and
 
               stares off into the distance again.

               
                             ELAINE
               (surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
 
               
               
               Brett makes no response.

               
                             ELAINE
               (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there 
               someone outside?
 
               
                             BRETT
               Elaine, the song.

               
                             ELAINE
               (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, 
               for a minute there I thought
 
               it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's 
               hanging on
 
               the fender...

               
                             BRETT
               Elaine, could you just not talk for 
               one minute?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
 
               
               
               Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee.

               
                             JERRY
               No spiel?

               
                             GEORGE
               (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned 
               the carpets and left. Call
 
               themselves a cult!

               
                             JERRY
               So you're angry that this bizarre carpet 
               cabal made no attempt to
 
               abduct you?

               
                             GEORGE
               They could've at least tried!

               
                             JERRY
               You know, maybe they thought you looked 
               too smart to be brainwashed?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Please.

               
                             JERRY
               Too dumb?

               
               George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new 
               suit. He
 
               strolls over to the booth.

               
                             JERRY
               (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! 
               Nice duds.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my 
               Japanese friends. (sits beside
 
               Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going 
               dancing at the
 
               Rainbow Room.

               
                             JERRY
               Sounds like you're throwing a lot of 
               their money around.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, 
               that TV you watch, that sushi
 
               you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think 
               all that money
 
               goes, hmm?

               
               Jerry looks puzzled.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's right.

               
                             GEORGE
               How'd you hook up with these guys?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, they recognised Jerry from the 
               Super Terrific Happy Hour. See
 
               now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (to George) Alright, what'd you do with 
               that pilot you did.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (excited) Yeah, the pilot!

               
                             KRAMER
               That's right, I think that had marvellous 
               production values.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a 
               lotta business with Japanese TV.
 
               They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office 
               here in New
 
               York!

               
                             JERRY
               Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) It failed here! Because, 
               here, every time you turn on a
 
               TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining 
               about
 
               their dates!

               
               Jerry looks doubtful.

               
                             KRAMER
               George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're 
               just another apple, but in
 
               Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare 
               there.
 
               
               Jerry looks at George, wondering.

               
               
               (Japanese TV Office)

               
               Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives, 
               one male, one
 
               female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry 
               made at the
 
               end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George 
               is smiling
 
               and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large 
               bowl
 
               containing a plastic bag of oranges.

               
                             TV JERRY
               You had a date? You went out with my 
               butler?! Who said you could go
 
               out with my butler?!

               
                             TV ELAINE
               Well, why do I need your permission?
 
               
               
                             TV JERRY
               Because he's my butler.

               
               The first executive stops the tape.

               
                             GEORGE
               (eager) So? What d'you think?

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               We're bit confused. Why was this man 
               Jerry's butler?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, 
               uh, had gotten into a car
 
               accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, 
               the judge
 
               decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               Is this customary in your legal system?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. That's what makes it such a humorous 
               situation.
 
               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you 
               following any of this?
 
               
                             EXECUTIVE 2
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still 
               trying to figure out why
 
               they gave us a bag of oranges.

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm 
               sure Mr Seinfeld is very
 
               funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work 
               in Japan.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've 
               been living in America too
 
               long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's 
               like to have
 
               no oranges.

               
               Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers 
               are still
 
               twisted from the check signing.

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with 
               the oranges
 
               
               There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand 
               is numb.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks 
               for the Super Terrific Happy
 
               Hour. (laughs)

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               You must go now.

               
               Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder 
               and they
 
               ruefully begin to depart.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped 
               in his
 
               clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. 
               I got shushed during
 
               Desperado.

               
                             JERRY
               (throws out his hands) What does he 
               listen to? The all Desperado
 
               station?

               
                             ELAINE
               He is just in his own world when he 
               hears that song. It's like, I'm
 
               sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, what you need is a song you 
               can share.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' 
               song.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. So, is there any song that you 
               feel very strongly about?
 
               
               Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something 
               occurs.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (points) I like Witchy Woman.

               
                             JERRY
               Witchy Woman?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, 
               wit-chay woman'.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.

               
               The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying 
               another fat
 
               envelope.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to Jerry) Hey, man.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
               Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine 
               walks to the
 
               kitchen.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. 
               There was a, uh, slight
 
               monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
               Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're 
               gonna stay with me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought they all had suites at the 
               Plaza?
 
               
               Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't 
               have checks rolling in like you
 
               do.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what about all that money from 
               the kimonos I wear?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan 
               can be quite pricey. Even with
 
               fifty thousand yen.

               
               Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box.

               
                             ELAINE
               Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only 
               a few hundred dollars?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, 
               tell Brett that his chest of
 
               drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               In them?!

               
                             JERRY
               You have them sleeping in drawers?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, have you ever seen the business 
               hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in
 
               tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               This has 'international incident' written 
               all over it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest 
               of three
 
               drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a 
               foot and a half
 
               deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.

               
               One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer.

               
                             MR TANAKA
               Goodnight.

               
               Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut. 
               He then speaks
 
               to the occupant of the next drawer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Goodnight, Mr Oh.

               
                             MR OH
               (sits up) Goodnight.

               
               Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and 
               speaks to the
 
               final drawer's occupant.

               
                             KRAMER
               Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.

               
                             MR YAMAGUCHI
               (sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight.

               
               Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches 
               off the lamp
 
               and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter, 
               and a box of
 
               Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into 
               an envelope.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and 
               breakfast you're running. Well,
 
               I'm off to the bank.

               
                             KRAMER
               (opening the fridge) Sayonara.

               
                             JERRY
               (leaving) Konichi-wa.

               
               Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast.

               
               
               (Brett's Car)

               
               Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing 
               on the
 
               stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head 
               nodding. Brett
 
               looks puzzled.

               
                             BRETT
               Elaine, I...

               
                             ELAINE
               Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
 
               
               
               Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches 
               off the music.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. 
               That could be our song.
 
               
                             BRETT
               Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've 
               already got a song.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) 
               We can share it.
 
               
                             BRETT
               (flat) No. It's mine.

               
               There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers 
               out at the
 
               weather.

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi 
               sits up in the
 
               bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his 
               feet in his
 
               drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to 
               the pair of
 
               them.

               
                             KRAMER
               Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
 
               
               
               Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta 
               make up the drawer.
 
               
                             MR OH
               Ach, come back in half hour.

               
               Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on 
               top of the chest
 
               and walks off mumbling irritably.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing 
               just a light
 
               jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands. 
               Jerry spots
 
               the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares.

               
                             JERRY
               (calls) Hey, I'll take one.

               
                             CLICKY
               Well, look who's back!

               
               Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other 
               way.
 
               
                             CLICKY
               Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the 
               guy says he invented the twirl.
 
               
                             TEDDY
               (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing 
               at the umbrellas) What've
 
               you got in a push-button mini.

               
                             TEDDY
               (bitter) Same thing we had, when you 
               bailed on us, fifteen years ago.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to 
               be a comedian. Besides, we had
 
               some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?

               
                             TEDDY
               (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were 
               you during the poncho craze of
 
               eighty-four? I almost lost my house.

               
               A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros. 
               Clicky
 
               tries to catch his attention.

               
                             CLICKY
               Umbrella, buddy?

               
               The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the 
               street.
 
               
                             CLICKY
               Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' 
               to contend with.
 
               
                             TEDDY
               (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) 
               I hear you're taking credit for
 
               the twirl.

               
                             JERRY
               Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
 
               
               
                             TEDDY
               (intense) I care. Clicky cares.

               
                             JERRY
               So, could I...

               
               Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption.

               
                             JERRY
               Could I just buy an umbrella?

               
                             TEDDY
               (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (shock) What?!

               
                             TEDDY
               (caustically) Special price, for a real 
               foul-weather friend.
 
               
               The rain continues to pour down unabated.

               
               
               (George's Office, Yankee Stadium)

               
               George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed 
               by the three
 
               Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing 
               down.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? 
               These guys are ready to run
 
               the bases.

               
                             GEORGE
               (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, 
               it's raining. They got the tarp
 
               on the field.

               
                             KRAMER
               (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else 
               can I do with these guys?
 
               Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.

               
               George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his 
               hands.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry 
               show.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. 
               (to the Japanese) Hey, how would
 
               you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
 
               
               
               The Japanese nod to each other.

               
                             MR OH
               But, we are also very hungry.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) 
               Well, you guys just watch the
 
               tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.

               
               Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves 
               the office
 
               and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (shouts) Hey, peanuts!

               
               As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door.

               
                             WILHELM
               George. (waves George over) George.
 
               
               
               George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm.

               
                             WILHELM
               (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call 
               some carpet cleaners?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Are they here?

               
                             WILHELM
               They're in my office, right now.

               
                             GEORGE
               (suspicious) They haven't said anything 
               to you, have they?
 
               
                             WILHELM
               About what?

               
                             GEORGE
               (to himself, resentful) What kind of 
               a snobby, stuck-up, cult is
 
               this?!

               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks, 
               and by now
 
               he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with 
               Jerry, and
 
               the window winds down.

               
                             BRETT
               (calls over) Hey Jerry!

               
               Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises 
               Brett.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi Brett.

               
                             BRETT
               Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I didn't have enough money.

               
                             BRETT
               I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's not that, it's the...

               
               Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The 
               rain has soaked
 
               them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and 
               become
 
               illegible.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of 
               hard work ruined!
 
               
               Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip.
 
               
               
                             BRETT
               Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the 
               (reads) twelve cents?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's not the money. It's my hand. 
               It's crippled from writing and
 
               writing.

               
                             BRETT
               Nothing's working for you, is is?

               
                             JERRY
               (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
 
               
               
                             BRETT
               I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl 
               Farbman here.
 
               
               Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades.

               
                             JERRY
               (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!

               
               Jerry walks away

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the 
               apartment, and
 
               more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel.

               
                             ELAINE
               Brett said you ran away from him, as 
               if he were the boogetyman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boogeyman.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boogey?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting 
               together on a song?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and 
               he won't share Desperado. Hey,
 
               what d'you think of Oye Como Va?

               
                             JERRY
               (negative) Eehh.

               
                             ELAINE
               (desperation) Well, I'm running outta 
               guys here in this city, Jer!
 
               
               Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops 
               onto the
 
               couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot 
               to Kramer's Japanese
 
               friends. They loved it!

               
                             JERRY
               Really? They bought the butler character?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (excited) Did I tell you that story's 
               relatable?! That was a great
 
               show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.

               
                             JERRY
               NBC?

               
                             GEORGE
               (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast 
               Corporation.
 
               
               Elaine looks heavenwards.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah. But they told us we must go now.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               But now I have my own market research. 
               Actual Japanese viewers, that
 
               love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.

               
               George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George, do me a favour. If they 
               make you an offer, whatever it
 
               is. (vehement) Just take it!

               
               George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry 
               starts to close
 
               the door, but George turns back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, by the way, what'd you think of 
               Miss Yoshimura?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             GEORGE
               The network executive. You think she 
               liked me?
 
               
               Jerry swings the door closed in George's face.

               
               
               (Hallway)

               
               George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there 
               is no
 
               immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting 
               and laughter.
 
               He opens the door and goes in.

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped 
               to the
 
               waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot 
               George as he
 
               enters and shout greetings.

               
                             KRAMER
               Heyy! Look who's here.

               
               The Japanese whoop and wave at George.

               
                             KRAMER
               (beckoning to George) Come on, I want 
               you to come in here.
 
               
               All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in 
               the tub with
 
               them.

               
                             MR OH
               Come on in, fat boy!

               
               George waves away their appeals with a smile.

               
                             GEORGE
               Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. 
               (thumbs up) Big day
 
               tomorrow!

               
               Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who 
               leaves. Then
 
               they go back to knocking back sake.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out.

               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) Last one.

               
               Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like 
               hand. It's
 
               clearly painful.

               
                             JERRY
               (agonised) Uugh! Ahh.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's 
               waiting for
 
               someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's 
               ear.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There you are.

               
               George jumps, surprised by Kramer.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.

               
               Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline 
               tickets.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm on my way to cash in their plane 
               tickets for them. They need a
 
               little food money.

               
                             GEORGE
               (horrified) But that meeting starts 
               in ten minutes!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, well, I set their alarm. But they 
               did have a lot of sake in that
 
               hot-tub.

               
               A panicky George rushes toward a payphone.

               
                             GEORGE
               (frantic) I'm calling Jerry.

               
               
               (Street/Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. 
               The phone
 
               rings and he picks up (with his right).

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese 
               guys had sake in the
 
               hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down 
               here, or I
 
               don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!

               
                             JERRY
               (kidding) Uncle Leo?

               
                             GEORGE
               (scream) Jerry!!

               
               George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts 
               the phone
 
               away from his ear at the noise.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
 
               
               
               Jerry hangs up the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) Hmm, testy.

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers 
               are shut,
 
               and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for 
               help. Jerry
 
               enters and hears the calls.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             MR OH
               Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!
 
               
               
               Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move. 
               He tries to
 
               hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull.

               
                             JERRY
               It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam 
               from the hot-tub musta warped the
 
               
               wood.

               
                             MR OH
               Pull harder.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's 
               had kind of a bad week.
 
               
                             MR OH
               Very funny, but no joking, please.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get 
               you out.
 
               
               
               
               (Hallway)

               
               Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying 
               an umbrella.
 
               Elaine looks dubious.

               
                             ELAINE
               Brett, believe me. You don't have to 
               do this.
 
               
                             BRETT
               Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. 
               Granted, it's not as nice as
 
               Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous 
               of Kramer's cabinet.
 
               
               Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's 
               apartment
 
               distracts her.

               
                             JERRY
               (yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
 
               
               
               Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry?

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Elaine enters followed by Brett.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry.

               
               Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large 
               fireman's axe.
 
               He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the 
               wood
 
               splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops 
               the umbrella,
 
               and rushes forward to protect the furniture.

               
                             BRETT
               (shouting) Not the Farbman!!

               
               Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to 
               her mouth and
 
               screams, horrified at what she sees.

               
               
               (Japanese TV Office)

               
               The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors 
               of some
 
               horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George 
               perches on
 
               the arm of the couch.

               
                             MR OH
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld 
               is a dangerous lunatic. He
 
               wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an 
               axe.
 
               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect 
               his friend here is also
 
               unbalanced.

               
               The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending,
 
               
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
 
               
               
                             MR OH
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we 
               have a couple of those oranges?
 
               
               The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab 
               the fruit.
 
               
                             MR OH
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very 
               hungry and have survived many
 
               hardships.

               
               Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including 
               the
 
               leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you 
               hire the Sunshine Carpet
 
               Cleaners?

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee 
               stain, left by Jerry
 
               Seinfield.

               
               Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other 
               carpet
 
               cleaners. George looks stunned.

               
                             GEORGE
               Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
 
               
               
                             WILHELM
               I'm here to clean the carpets. Most 
               of the world is carpeted. And,
 
               one day, we will do the cleaning.

               
               George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.

               
                             GEORGE
               (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry 
               shout) What's he got that I
 
               don't have?!

               
               The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'

               
                             GEORGE
               (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've 
               been abducted! Please, Mr
 
               Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!

               
                             WILHELM
               Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his 
               cleaner) My name is Tanya.
 
               
               George purses his lips.

               
                             EXECUTIVE 1
               (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these 
               two idiots I don't know
 
               how the Yankees won the World Series.

               
               The second executive shakes her head.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands 
               beside him,
 
               applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really 
               sorry. I didn't mean to hit
 
               you in the head with.. an axe.

               
               Elaine gives Jerry a look.

               
                             JERRY
               (defensive) At least it was just the 
               handle!
 
               
                             BRETT
               It was a beautiful cabinet. What am 
               I gonna tell...
 
               
               Brett looks concerned.

               
                             BRETT
               I can't remember his name!

               
                             JERRY
               Fleckman?

               
                             ELAINE
               Calm down Brett, okay. You could have 
               a concussion. Calm down. (holds
 
               Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
 
               
               
                             ELAINE/JERRY
               (singing) '...let somebody love you. 
               Let somebody love you,
 
               before it's too...'

               
               Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto 
               the table
 
               with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just 
               looks down.
 
               
               
               (Insert)

               
               An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing.
 
               
               
               
               (Emergency Room)

               
               Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him.

               
                             NURSE
               His pulse is fine.

               
                             DOCTOR
               Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. 
               Let me see what I can do to
 
               relieve the swelling.

               
               Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets 
               the same look on
 
               his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance.
 
               
               
                             NURSE
               Doctor?

               
               The doctor stares away.

               
                             NURSE
               (concerned) Doctor?

               
               The doctor is oblivious to the nurse.

               
                             NURSE
               (worried) Doctor?

               
               There is still no response from the doctor.

               
                             NURSE
               (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing 
               him!
 
               
               As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments 
               can be
 
               heard beeping faster and faster.

               
               
               
                            THE END

               
                


The Checks



Writers :   Steve O'Donnell  Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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