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ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE CHEEVER LETTERS



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)

               
                             JERRY
               She hasn't told her father yet?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Susan wants me to be there.

               
                             JERRY
               You're meetin' the father for the first 
               time?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Reluctantly) Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make 
               quite an impression on him when you 
               tell him how you burned his cabin down.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is 
               ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is 
               nice enough to give you a box of very 
               fine Cuban cigars..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I know what happened.

               
                             JERRY
               No, but wait, wait: And then you dump 
               them off onto Kramer..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Getting frustrated) I know.

               
                             JERRY
               (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to 
               burn the man's cabin down with one of 
               those very same cigars! (Topping off 
               his observation) It's very comical..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing 
               today. I got a lot on my mind.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Persisting) No, no, we put this off 
               long enough. Today's the day.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Letting his conscious get the best 
               of him) I wonder how Susan's father's 
               going to react to this. Alright, what- 
               what's the worst he could do? So you 
               burn
 
               
               a cabin down..

               
                             JERRY
               (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house 
               - it's, like, a cabin.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We could build a cabin like (Snaps) 
               that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two 
               men could.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Looking over the writing materials 
               they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, 
               bics?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What, you got a problem with the pen 
               now?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I like a rolling writer. They're 
               very smooth.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, let's just get to work. (They 
               both move into the living room - ready 
               to start writing their script. Jerry 
               sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. 
               Act I,
 
               
               Scene A.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit 
               there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Wanting to get started) Just - just 
               park yourself. (George reluctantly sits 
               on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Offering) Drink?

               
                             JERRY
               No, no thank you.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we 
               go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Act I, Scene A..

               
               (A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. 
               (George turns the TV on, and begins 
               watching as Jerry dials the number) 
               Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. 
               Uh,
 
               
               yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat 
               with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the 
               phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay
 
               
               phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling 
               out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, 
               could you just put me through to
 
               
               Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of 
               ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed 
               into the television. He seems to not
 
               
               even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get 
               through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear 
               for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So
 
               
               we're on for later?

               
               (Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around 
               in her free hand)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, 
               I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' 
               here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, 
               I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up)
 
               
               
               Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?

               
               (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television 
               off, ready to work)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, here we go. You got it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Here we go.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, 
               you come in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Holding out his arms - giving praise) 
               It's beautiful. Now, what do I say?
 
               
               
               (A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Could you do me a favor? Um, when my 
               friends call, could you not talk to 
               them for too long?
 
               
                             SANDRA
               Why? Did Jerry say something?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no.

               
                             SANDRA
               He must have said something.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, he didn't say anything.

               
                             SANDRA
               (Near tears) I can't work for you! I 
               can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. 
               I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, 
               listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure 
               right now. It's very hard being a
 
               
               
               stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!

               
               (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. 
               Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, let's go.

               
                             JERRY
               Here we go.

               
               (Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in 
               the middle of something here. We're 
               trying to do a little work..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated 
               sigh) What's with you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Complaining) No more golf.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you remember I told you about 
               the pro, you know, at the Westchester 
               Country Club, who's letting me play 
               a round every time I give him a couple
 
               
               
               of those Cuban cigars?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all 
               in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, 
               he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe 
               you can ask Susan's father for
 
               
               more, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the 
               guy for more cigars after you burned 
               down his cabin!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why? What's one thing got to do with 
               another?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, please.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I can't go back to the public 
               courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, 
               you know what that's like? It's crowded, 
               the grass has big brown patches in it,
 
               
               
               they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of 
               people you have to play with!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna 
               have to get them some place else.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. 
               (Leaves)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I 
               should take off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's 
               parent's house for dinner.. and, you 
               know, I want to shower first.. and I 
               want to leave myself plenty of time.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Looking at his watch) You got four 
               hours! What about the script?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (The Ross' house)

               
               (Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like 
               your sister, Sarah?
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               (Gruff) A slight resemblance.

               
               (George laughs slightly)

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, 
               you know.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people 
               who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate 
               yourself to the foot - you're toiling 
               in virtual anonymity. I mean..
 
               
               (Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)

               
                             MR. ROSS
               How are you enjoying those cigars I 
               gave you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) 
               I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing 
               my brains out, yeah.
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               You know those cigars are made special 
               for Castro?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not 
               know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George 
               both laugh)
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               What?

               
                             SUSAN
               (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, 
               daddy.
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               I didn't care much for his jokes.

               
                             SUSAN
               (To George) Daddy never laughs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is 
               that? I mean, what is the point of opening 
               your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What 
               is that? "Ha, ha!"?
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               You know, you can't get those cigars 
               anywhere.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               You and your cigars..

               
                             MR. ROSS
               (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some 
               more lipstick.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Daddy, there's, um, there's something 
               that we have to talk to you about..
 
               
               
                             MR. ROSS
               Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you 
               like the cabin?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Even more nervous than before) Oh, 
               the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)

               
                             JERRY
               Right after we get off the phone, then 
               you go and tell her that?! Well, of 
               course she knows it was me who complained! 
               Now I'm responsible for this
 
               
               woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!

               
                             ELAINE
               (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. 
               It's all my fault. Would you call her?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine 
               picks up the phone, and starts to dial) 
               How could you do this?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Handing the phone over to him) I was 
               just trying to help you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely 
               grabs the phone from her) help me.. 
               (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, 
               uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine 
               now has her
 
               
               hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I 
               just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing 
               her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her
 
               
               
               and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a 
               comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, 
               it was a real treat talking to her on
 
               
               the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being 
               sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold 
               on a second. (To Elaine, whispering)
 
               
               Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just 
               go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the 
               phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um..
 
               
               yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, 
               bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (The Ross' house)

               
               (Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be 
               discussed)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. 
               (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break 
               the news, then decides to pass it off) 
               Susan?
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Uhh.. about the cabin..

               
                             MR. ROSS
               (Cutting her off) I love that place. 
               My father built that cabin in 1947. 
               My mother was recuperating from Impetigo 
               at the time, and dad thought it would
 
               
               
               be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there 
               the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the 
               day. His last words to me were, (Mrs.
 
               
               Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a 
               million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish 
               the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care
 
               
               of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the 
               cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's 
               often been a.. sanctuary for me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's 
               fortress of solitude.
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the 
               fortress of solitude up at the North 
               Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get 
               away from it all..
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               When I go, I'm passing it on to her. 
               (Pointing at Susan)
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take 
               a hotel any day.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Daddy..

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Yes?

               
                             SUSAN
               Daddy, about the cabin..

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (Laughing, she points to her shirt) 
               Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs 
               again)
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               (To Susan) What about it?

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, the thing is..

               
                             MR. ROSS
               What? What is it?

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, 
               uh.. George?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Extremely blunt) Burned.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Burned?

               
                             SUSAN
               There was a fire, and it uh..

               
                             GEORGE
               Burned.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               (Still trying to comprehend what has 
               happened) The cabin burned?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George 
               laughs with her)
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               Was anything found? Was it all burned 
               to the ground?! Did they find anything?
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               (Solemn) No. Nothing.

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (Laughing, she's obviously getting a 
               kick out of her husband's misfortune) 
               Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.
 
               
               (Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward 
               the room's exit as everyone continues to talk)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if 
               you look at the whole situating, what 
               with it being your cigars, and everything, 
               it's really rather ironic - one might 
               even
 
               
               say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. 
               Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to 
               say he hit the bullseye. George calls out
 
               
               to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. 
               Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)
 
               
                             SANDRA
               (Offended) I can't believe you said 
               that!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?!

               
                             SANDRA
               (Buttoning her jacket) How could you 
               say something like that to me?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? What?! You were the one who was 
               talking dirty. I was just trying to 
               keep up!
 
               
                             SANDRA
               That was a weird thing to say.

               
                             JERRY
               Why? It didn't mean anything. I was 
               just trying to join in so you wouldn't 
               feel embarrassed.
 
               
                             SANDRA
               Ohh, I think you're really sick.

               
                             JERRY
               (Getting slightly offended) I'm not 
               sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said 
               much sicker things than me.
 
               
                             SANDRA
               I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. 
               Jerry blocks her path)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I really think you're making too much 
               of this.
 
               
                             SANDRA
               (Attempting to get past him) Excuse 
               me. (They both move to the door)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let me walk you to a cab.

               
                             SANDRA
               (Opens the door) That's ok.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, the main thing is that this 
               is just between us, and that'll be the 
               end of it.
 
               
                             SANDRA
               Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)

               
                             JERRY
               (Calling after her) I mean, people - 
               they're not interested in things like 
               this. They don't want to hear about 
               it. They really don't.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (The Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry's telling George about last night)

               
                             JERRY
               So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', 
               and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wo-hoah! What did you do?

               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman 
               to stop touching your leg?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, right.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, I know it's the wrong thing 
               to do. She works in Elaine's office. 
               I know it's wrong - but I can't get 
               that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking 
               at the
 
               
               hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." 
               But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would 
               you mind?!"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, woman have no problem getting 
               the hand off. How do they do that?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, they're working on a whole 
               other level..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, so, go ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               So we go back to my apartment..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. 
               you know, it's getting a little passionate.. 
               (Scoots closer to George, to prevent 
               others from hearing) and, uh, she starts
 
               
               
               with the dirty talking.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, 
               hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) 
               Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, 
               giddy) What did she say?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I don't know. How do I know the 
               usual?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Typical things.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? 
               Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. 
               George, so shocked by what he's just 
               heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup 
               bottle - ketchup squirts out
 
               
               and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. 
               (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               ..And then she starts talking about 
               her panties.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need 
               some water here!
 
               
                             JERRY
               So I said something.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, what did you say?

               
                             JERRY
               (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am 
               just trying to keep up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, 
               so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties 
               your mother laid out for you?"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Takes a few seconds to mull this one 
               over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, 
               he repeats it) "The panties your mother 
               laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What
 
               
               
               does that mean?

               
                             JERRY
               (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! 
               It just popped out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, how did she react?

               
                             JERRY
               She flipped out! Just left.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) 
               It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look, the main thing is I don't want 
               Elaine to know about any of this. I 
               mean, especially the panty remark. I 
               mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never 
               let me
 
               
               hear the end of it.

               
               GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?

               
                             JERRY
               She will tell her. She's going back 
               to work. I talked her into it - how 
               stupid was that? (Changing subject as 
               they both collect money to pay for the 
               check)
 
               
               Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom 
               and started sobbing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I guess he failed to see the humor in 
               it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture 
               with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We 
               got a lot of work to do today.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Getting up) Alright, big work day.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's right.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down 
               in the living room while giving each other pep talks)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               Let's go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Here we are.

               
                             JERRY
               Right now.

               
                             GEORGE
               Let's do it.

               
                             JERRY
               You and me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             GEORGE
               What'dya got?

               
                             JERRY
               (Reading from his notebook) I got: You 
               enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." 
               Now.. we need something here..
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey.

               
               (Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting 
               - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come 
               back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and
 
               
               George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No, 
               you guys should get back to work. (More protests)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't be silly.

               
                             JERRY
               Come in, we're taking a break.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, George, did you talk to that guy 
               about getting me some more cigars?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna 
               do that.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm 
               just going to have to take matters into 
               my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, 
               I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite
 
               
               
               "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George)
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building)

               
               (Kramer walks up to a secretary)

               
                             KRAMER
               Buenos dias.

               
                             SECRETARY
               Buenos dias.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, habla ingles?

               
                             SECRETARY
               Si.

               
                             KRAMER
               Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman 
               wearing dark sunglasses and sitting 
               on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) 
               Um. I need to talk to someone.
 
               
                             SECRETARY
               What is this about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well, It's a very private matter, 
               but it's extremely urgent.
 
               
                             SECRETARY
               Are you an American?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             SECRETARY
               I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid 
               out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking 
               them up. George rolls off the couch and falls
 
               
               to the floor)

               
                             JERRY
               (Stirring, he gets up to answer the 
               buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, 
               c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) 
               C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through
 
               
               
               intercom) Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for 
               Elaine)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, 
               you know what we should do? We should 
               go to the movies. Get away from this 
               script for a while..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, I just have to go over to the 
               Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's 
               sunglasses. You'll come with me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with 
               them?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no, no.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I just got a message from Sandra, she's 
               coming back to work.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, then, you've just got to fire 
               her! Don't even think about it - there's 
               no two ways about it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why? What happened? Did you talk?

               
                             JERRY
               Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right 
               I talk to her! We talked up a storm 
               - and I concluded from the basis of 
               these talks that this isn't anybody 
               you should
 
               
               be talking to.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really? You really think I should fire 
               her?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and 
               I weren't so busy here working on the 
               script, I'd do it myself.
 
               
               (George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building)

               
               (A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with 
               Kramer)
 
               
                             MAN
               (To secretary) Expira te afuera.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos 
               dias.
 
               
                             MAN
               What is your name, Senor?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Kramer.

               
                             MAN
               So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               (Confused) Cigars?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Definite) Cigars.

               
                             MAN
               What about cigars?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper 
               ring from his pocket) I saved one of 
               the cigar rings..
 
               
                             MAN
               Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from 
               his inner coat pocket) You mean - one 
               of these..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) 
               Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, 
               So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of 
               boxes of those from you, yeah?
 
               
                             MAN
               (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You 
               do realize, of course, these are illegal 
               in your country.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?

               
               (The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches 
               out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)
 
               
                             MAN
               I like that jacket..

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (The Ross' apartment)

               
               (There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and 
               George)
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Hi!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             SUSAN
               I thought you two guys were working 
               today.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, just - takin' a little break.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your 
               sunglasses. (Hands them to her)
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. 
               (They move into the living room. Susan 
               gestures to a man sitting on the couch 
               reading the paper) This is my brother,
 
               
               
               Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake 
               hands) What's your major?
 
               
                             RICKY
               (Blunt) I don't have one.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you should always consider podiatry. 
               (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's 
               nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky 
               looks critically back at George)
 
               
                             SUSAN
               (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) 
               And this is my Aunt, Sara.
 
               
                             SARA
               (Staring at George) He doesn't look 
               like me.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Sara, what do you have on your wheels?
 
               
               
                             SARA
               Nothing, they're clean.

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?
 
               
               
                             RICKY
               (Annoyed) Yes.

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's 
               just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels 
               Sara over to a spot off the rug) When 
               you come in the house you
 
               
               wipe your wheels.

               
               (Doorbell rings)

               
                             SUSAN
               Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her 
               doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) 
               Hello, Raymond.
 
               
                             RAYMOND
               Ah, yes, the man from the insurance 
               company dropped this off this morning. 
               He said it was the only thing left from 
               the remains of the fire.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As 
               the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry 
               and George) Wow, I've never seen this 
               before.. (Opens the charred box)
 
               
               Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan 
               takes out a few letters)
 
               
                             SUSAN
               From.. (Trying to read one) from John 
               Cheever.
 
               
                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               Oh, wow.

               
                             SUSAN
               (Chuckles as she opens up one of the 
               letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, 
               last night with you was bliss. I fear 
               my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's
 
               
               
               attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever 
               get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan 
               is still concentrating on the notes) I love
 
               
               you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, 
               and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)
 
               
               (A long pause)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we.. we, we, ah..

               
                             JERRY
               (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..

               
                             GEORGE
               We really should be, uh, heading out..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the 
               time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, the time..

               
               (Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)

               
                             MR. ROSS
               The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing 
               the box away from him, then the letters 
               from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme 
               that! (Now holding them
 
               
               against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!
 
               
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!
 
               
               
                             SARA
               (Yelling out) I knew it!

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               I want to know who John is!

               
                             RICKEY
               John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!
 
               
               
                             MR. ROSS
               (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most 
               wonderful person I've ever known. And 
               I love him deeply! In a way you could 
               never understand.. (Slowly
 
               
               walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems 
               to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George 
               a signal that they should go)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we really should be-

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates 
               to miss the coming attractions.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because 
               of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               yeah, time is what he's indicating there..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) 
               onward and upward.
 
               
               (Jerry grabs George, leaving)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living 
               room, attempting to write)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, here we go.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, let's go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on now.

               
                             JERRY
               Right now.

               
                             GEORGE
               Here we go.

               
                             JERRY
               You and me.

               
                             GEORGE
               You got it.

               
                             JERRY
               No foolin'

               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, so, what'dya got?

               
                             JERRY
               (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I 
               got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", 
               and I say "Hello".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, so, we need something..

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's 
               it goin'?"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "How's it going?" - beautiful.

               
               (They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) 
               Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, 
               did you get that line?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Did you write it down?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"

               
                             JERRY
               Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic 
               Elaine)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Real good!

               
                             JERRY
               What?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you know how much money you cost 
               me today?! 429 dollars!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?! How?

               
                             ELAINE
               I got Sandra transferred to another 
               office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs 
               to Lippman about my long distance calls 
               to Europe!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What calls?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, 
               okay?! And we've been in touch, and 
               Sandra told Lippman!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, did - did she say anything else 
               to you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Confused) "Anything else"? What do 
               you mean "anything else"?
 
               
                             JERRY
               So she just left the office - didn't 
               say a word to you about anything?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why is that beautiful?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no, not beautiful.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no.

               
                             JERRY
               (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. 
               I was the one who encouraged you to 
               fire her - the whole thing was all my-
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Giving up too easy) Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) 
               fault. (Starts to write a check out, 
               then stops, looking at the door) Do 
               you smell smoke?
 
               
               (Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed 
               up in golf wear, smoking cigars)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet 
               my new friends, here. (Introducing each 
               one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and 
               Umberto.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester 
               - gonna hit the links.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, 
               uh, your..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, 
               yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three 
               friends) Vamanos, muchachos!
 
               
               (They exit)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Turns to George, he is now reading 
               a book) Hey, what are you reading?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. 
               It's really excellent.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read 
               any of his stuff?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of 
               his writing. (George shoots Jerry a 
               smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, 
               (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we 
               gotta
 
               
               get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave 
               you two alone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Moving back into the living room) Okay.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit 
               my mother. She just bought me some new 
               panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting 
               in his chair) and they're - all laid
 
               
               
               out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both 
               look at each other, frozen in their places)
 
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Cheever Letters



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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