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                         THE CHICKEN ROASTER



                             Written by

                     Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer




 
               
               
               
               (Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack)

               
               George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why is there no haggling in this country?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I guess we like to think we've progressed 
               beyond a knife fight for a
 
               
               citrus drink.

               
                             GEORGE
               Not me. Everything should be negotiable.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Restaurants too?

               
                             GEORGE
               Absolutely. You're telling me there's 
               no room to move on pasta.
 
               
               All starches are a scam.

               
                             JERRY
               Yea especially zedi(???), with that 
               big hole.
 
               
               (George asks the store worker a question)

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, how much is this?

               
                             WORKER
               Dollar nineteen.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll give you a quarter.

               
                             WORKER
               Get the hell out of here.

               
                             JERRY
               Tell him forty and no fork.

               
                             GEORGE
               Thirty.

               
                             WORKER
               That's it you leave and never come back!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How about we leave and come back in 
               a week?
 
               
                             WORKER
               Deal!

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright see? We got something there.
 
               
               
               (Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about 
               the new chicken
 
               
               shack. ( I came in a little late.))

               
                             JERRY
               Look at the size of that neon light.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Roger's can't sell chicken around here, 
               we got chicken places on
 
               
               every block.

               
                             JERRY
               He is the gambler.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet 
               store. Helping him pick out a
 
               
               turtle.

               
                             JERRY
               Try and stay calm.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yea, yea.

               
               (Exit the K-Man.)

               
               (Man on street recognizes Jerry.)

               
                             MAN
               Hey Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Seth! Wow what has it been like five 
               years?
 
               
                             SETH
               At least.

               
                             JERRY
               You wanna grab lunch?

               
                             SETH
               Uh, I'm actually headed back to the 
               office.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Seth it's me. What's more important 
               than catching up with an old
 
               
               college buddy?

               
                             SETH
               Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How 
               many of those did we go to?
 
               
                             SETH+JERRY
               Alright, alright.

               
                             JERRY
               Whatever happened to Moochie?

               
                             SETH
               He's dead.

               
                             JERRY
               Is that right?

               
               (George and Elaine are in a store )

               
                             GEORGE
               I still don't understand how you can 
               call lunch with me a business
 
               
               expense.

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you think of the catalog?

               
                             GEORGE
               It stinks.

               
                             ELAINE
               There, we just talked business.

               
                             WORKER
               We do have the down comforter and the 
               cookware you liked.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh great, put it all on the Peterman 
               account with the other stuff.
 
               
                             WORKER
               You know what else we have that you 
               might like?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'll take it.

               
               (George puts on a giant Russian hat)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, you like?

               
               (Elaine laughs)

               
                             WORKER
               I think that looks very nice on you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? Elaine...Peterman account?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why not? (To worker) And some hair for 
               my little friend here.
 
               
               (Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant)

               
                             SETH
               So how's your stand up career?

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I 
               almost had my own show in Japan.
 
               
                             SETH
               You speak Japanese?

               
                             JERRY
               No

               
                             SETH
               So you would have done it in Japan, 
               but in English.
 
               
               (Jerry thinks for a minute)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. So what's this job of 
               yours?
 
               
                             SETH
               Big investment firm. We just got the 
               Citibank account. In fact today
 
               
               was our first big meeting with them.

               
                             JERRY
               The meeting you blew off?

               
               (Seth laughs)

               
                             SETH
               Yea.

               
                             JERRY
               Wasn't that kind of important?

               
               ( Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.)

               
                             SETH
               Yea.

               
               (Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone)

               
                             ELAINE
               ...and I brought I whole new set of 
               cookware, and a water pic.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You use a water pick?

               
                             ELAINE
               Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, 
               listerine...
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you go in the bathroom at eleven 
               your in bed by what two?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, 
               I gotta another call.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello?

               
                             MAN
               Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting?
 
               
               
                             ROGER
               Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging 
               quite a bit of merchandise
 
               
               on the Peterman account.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I am the President.

               
                             ROGER
               Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never 
               the less the expense account
 
               
               is for business purposes only.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, isn't the president allowed to 
               do anything that they want?
 
               
                             ROGER
               No, I'll be in your office first thing 
               tomorrow. Good day.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Good day. (Elaine and Roger hang up, 
               leaving Jerry still on hold)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello, anybody?

               
               (George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, why didn't you get the big one?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This hat just bottles in the heat, I 
               don't even need a coat! It's
 
               
               unbelievable!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't believe it.

               
                             GEORGE
               And I got a date with the sales woman. 
               She's got a little Marisa
 
               
               Tomei thing going on.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, too bad you got a little George 
               Costanza thing going on.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm going out with her tomorrow, she 
               said she had some errands to run.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's a date?

               
                             GEORGE
               What's the difference? You know they 
               way I work, I'm like a
 
               
               commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear
 
               
               
               it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's
 
               
               
               "By Mennen!".

               
                             JERRY
               How do you make sure your gonna get 
               to the third date?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind 
               keys, glove, scarf, I go
 
               
               back to her place to pick it up...date number three.

               
                             JERRY
               That's so old. Why don't you show up 
               at her door in a wood horse?
 
               
               (Jerry is at his apartment door)

               
                             JERRY
               "By Mennen"

               
               (Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's 
               peep hole,
 
               
               Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a 
               huge red light
 
               
               is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar)

               
                             JERRY
               What's going on in there?

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               The light!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh the red, its the chicken roaster 
               sign, its right across my window.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Can't you shut the shades?

               
                             KRAMER
               They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth 
               stopped by.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yea? What'd he say?

               
                             KRAMER
               he was fired.

               
               (Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting 
               guy that
 
               
               all of her expenses are business related)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, as you can see the comforter I 
               expensed is actually the
 
               
               Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?

               
                             ROGER
               Another bulls eye.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of 
               my expenses are obviously for a
 
               
               legitimate business purpose.

               
               ( Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.)

               
                             ROGER
               I just need to see the sable hat you 
               purchased yesterday.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The hat? Why do you need to see the 
               hat?
 
               
                             ROGER
               Because it costs eight-thousand dollars.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               (Hits Roger with water from water pic.)

               
               (Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Seth, if you knew the meeting was so 
               important why did you go the
 
               
               lunch with me?

               
                             SETH
               We're old college buddies.

               
                             JERRY
               I only knew you through Moochie.

               
                             SETH
               Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the 
               important thing is that we got to
 
               
               
               catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?

               
                             JERRY
               Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara 
               yet.
 
               
               (Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. )

               
                             JERRY
               How's life on the red planet?

               
                             KRAMER
               Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't 
               sleep, all I can see is that
 
               
               giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers 
               and complain?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't 
               think that Kenny Rogers has
 
               
               any idea what's going on down there.

               
               (Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes 
               the tomato
 
               
               juice from the fridge.)

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Getting some cereal

               
                             JERRY
               That's tomato juice.

               
               (Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!)

               
               (Spits out cereal)

               
                             KRAMER
               That looked like milk to me! Jerry my 
               Rods and Cones are all screwed
 
               
               up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry.

               
               (Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know Kramer, my only concern 
               is that ....
 
               
               (Cleans it with a dish rag....)

               
                             JERRY
               ..living together after a while we might 
               start to get on each others
 
               
               nerves a little.

               
               (Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back 
               in fridge)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright listen to me, I got a great 
               idea. You're a heavy sleeper,
 
               
               right? Why don't we switch apartments?

               
                             JERRY
               Or I could sleep in the park? You could 
               knock these walls down, make
 
               
               it an eight room luxury suite.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're 
               not gonna come down!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yea, that's no good.

               
                             KRAMER
               I may have to drive that place out of 
               business.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How you gonna do that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Like we did in the sixties, takin' in 
               to the streets.
 
               
               (Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light )

               
               (George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.)

               
                             WOMAN
               Thanks George, but I got it from here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no I'm in already come on.

               
               (George puts down the bags he came in with)

               
                             GEORGE
               So you want to get together tomorrow?
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about this weekend?

               
                             WOMAN
               I'm gonna be busy for a while.

               
               (George throws his keys on the table)

               
                             GEORGE
               OK, see ya!

               
                             WOMAN
               Hey, you forgot your keys.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, those aren't my keys.

               
                             WOMAN
               Well they're not mine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, they are my keys, how weird.

               
                             WOMAN
               Bye George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yea.

               
                             WOMAN
               George, bye!

               
               (George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. )

               
                             GEORGE
               Costanza. (Like "By Mennen")

               
               (George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking 
               at a bunch of
 
               
               fake butterflies on the wall(?) )

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean you don't have the 
               hat?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No dead! George, I need that Russian 
               hat back!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather, 
               you'll get your hat back, I will
 
               
               get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic.

               
                             
               Dial 9- MERLIN.

               
               (George dials again and Heather picks up the phone)

               
                             HEATHER
               Hello?

               
                             GEORGE
               Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.

               
                             HEATHER
               Oy!

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother 
               you but, silly me, I think I may
 
               
               have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come 
               by
 
               
               later and pick it up.

               
                             HEATHER
               You didn't' leave a hat here.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm pretty sure I left it behind the 
               cushion of the chair ...
 
               
               accidentally.

               
                             HEATHER
               No hat. George I gotta go.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know maybe ... I'll ...

               
               (Heather hangs up)

               
               (Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage 
               for Kenny
 
               
               Roger's Chick shack)

               
                             JERRY
               Seth?

               
                             SETH
               Jerry Hi! What do you think?

               
                             JERRY
               I think your taking the trash out for 
               this chicken place, but that
 
               
               couldn't be.

               
                             SETH
               Yea, I'm the new manager

               
                             JERRY
               But your were an executive, this is 
               fast food.
 
               
                             SETH
               Not fast food, good food served quickly.
 
               
               
               (Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN")
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad 
               chicken, mess you up.
 
               
                             SETH
               That's not going to be good for business.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's not going to be good for anybody.
 
               
               
               (Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. )

               
                             JERRY
               If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta 
               take some of this stuff out.
 
               
               I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its 
               gonna
 
               
               come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.

               
               (Jerry holds up a doll)

               
                             KRAMER
               Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

               
                             JERRY
               And one other thing, I don't want Newman 
               using my...
 
               
               (Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes 
               Newman from
 
               
               the bathroom)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Nice place you got here Kramer a man 
               can really get some
 
               
               thinking done.

               
                             JERRY
               Well don't get too comfortable, as soon 
               as Seth gets a real job you two
 
               
               are gong back in that chicken supernova.

               
               (Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment. 
               Newman starts
 
               
               eating chicken)

               
                             KRAMER
               What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get 
               that outta here.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't know. The man makes a pretty 
               strong bird.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I'm boycotting it.

               
               (Kramer looks at the chicken.)

               
                             KRAMER
               What is that, hickory?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Really?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Uh-Huh.

               
               (Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh stop it.

               
               (Kramer looks like he loves it)

               
               (Knock on Heather's door.)

               
                             HEATHER
               Can I help you?

               
               (Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by 
               pulling his
 
               
               ear)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at 
               Barney's, I'm a friend of George
 
               
               Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this
 
               
               
               pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel 
               a
 
               
               second date.

               
                             HEATHER
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               I know, he has a real confidence problem.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well not really...

               
                             ELAINE
               George...Anyway I know you told him 
               you didn't have the hat because
 
               
               you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could 
               not
 
               
               be. But I really do need to have that hat back.

               
                             HEATHER
               Look, I don't know what to tell you, 
               but there's no hat here. I mean,
 
               
               maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...

               
                             GEORGE
               Well that makes sense.

               
                             ELAINE
               Then you wouldn't mind if we took a 
               second look around?
 
               
                             HEATHER
               Be my guest.

               
               (George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine)

               
                             GEORGE
               Good to see you again.

               
               (George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.)

               
                             GEORGE
               She's bluffing, she's got it stashed 
               away in there somewhere.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               This is an absolute disaster.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I don't know. Check this out.

               
               (George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. 
               )
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You stole her clock?

               
               (George smiles)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well done.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yep, this one for our side!

               
               (Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny 
               Roger's
 
               
               Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so 
               found
 
               
               another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.)

               
               (Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is that creaking, its like I'm 
               in the hold of a ship.
 
               
               Gotta relax.

               
               (sound of a door opening)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?
 
               
               
               (Morning at Jerry apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat 
               by this afternoon, what am I
 
               
               gonna do?

               
                             KRAMER
               You should sleep with him.

               
               (Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's 
               slide)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. 
               You don't know what it's
 
               
               like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking. 
               And
 
               
               that red light is burning my brain!

               
                             ELAINE
               You look a little stressed.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh I'm stressed!

               
                             ELAINE
               So Kramer what am I supposed to do? 
               If I don't have that fur hat by
 
               
               four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.

               
                             JERRY
               You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought he was Kramer's friend.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. 
               we got to talking, he sells
 
               
               Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.

               
                             ELAINE
               fourty bucks? Are they Sable?

               
                             JERRY
               No, but the difference is unnoticeable.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yea, I like this idea.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Giddee up!

               
               (Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding 
               in the
 
               
               bathroom.)

               
                             NEWMAN
               It's getting cold, it's getting cold.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That was a close one.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Why do we have to keep this a secret 
               from Jerry?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's 
               chicken I'm back there with
 
               
               the red menace.

               
               (Back to Elaine's office)

               
                             IPSWITCH
               Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the 
               company was Sable, this is
 
               
               Neutria.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that's a kind of sable.

               
                             IPSWITCH
               No, its a kind of rat.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's a rat hat?

               
                             IPSWITCH
               And a poorly made one, even by rat hat 
               standards. I have no choice
 
               
               but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors
 
               
               
               nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you 
               this
 
               
               time.

               
                             ELAINE
               But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.
 
               
               
                             IPSWITCH
               Yes, and quite mad from what I hear.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Wait? Can I fire you?

               
                             IPSWITCH
               No.

               
               (Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together)

               
                             KRAMER
               So Heather called?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yea, but get this, the message said 
               'call me if you have the time'.
 
               
               Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, but this is all very exciting.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She knows that I have her clock, I know 
               that she has my hat, I think
 
               
               she's getting ready to make an exchange.

               
                             KRAMER
               Of course there's the possibility that 
               you've gone right out of your
 
               
               mind.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've looked at that, seems unlikely.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'd look again. So, how come you didn't 
               call Jerry about all this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even 
               since he moved into that
 
               
               apartment he's too much ... like you.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's a shame.

               
               (Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand)

               
                             JERRY
               Seth, you're the manager, can't you 
               turn off the sign?
 
               
                             SETH
               Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant 
               manager.
 
               
                             SETH
               Number sixty seven, family feast.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Number 67, right here, right here!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Jerry.

               
                             SETH
               And don't forget your steamed broccoli.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli 
               if it was deep fried in
 
               
               chocolate sauce.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I love broccoli, its good for you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really? Then maybe you'd like to have 
               a piece?
 
               
               (Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Gladly.

               
               (Newman spits it out)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Vile weed!

               
                             JERRY
               It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door 
               knob the constant licking of
 
               
               the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.
 
               
               
               (Newman drinks mustard like Henningins )

               
               (Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry 
               comes in.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman, what took you so long, oh hey 
               buddy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Expecting Newman? That's funny because 
               I happened to find him at
 
               
               Kenny Roger's Roasters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that 
               place.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He was buying quite a load of chicken 
               almost for two people, as long
 
               
               as one of them is not him.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped 
               off that Bob Sacamano hat, oh
 
               
               she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping 
               by.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll 
               switch back.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh you don't want to think about that 
               no sir. Otherwise I'd have no
 
               
               choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right 
               out
 
               
               of town.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think you will. As a matter 
               of fact I'll save you the trouble,
 
               
               
               I'll do it myself.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up 
               doesn't matter to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta 
               have that chicken, you leave
 
               
               those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.

               
                             JERRY
               You got a little problem.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I got a big problem Jerry!

               
               (Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is 
               brought in and
 
               
               told to sit. )

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Peterman.

               
               (A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds 
               him in another
 
               
               language )

               
                             ELAINE
               You speak Burmese?

               
                             PETERMAN
               No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did 
               you have any trouble finding
 
               
               the place?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, you're the only white poet warlord 
               in the neighborhood.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Are you an assassin?

               
                             ELAINE
               I work for your mail order catalog.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               You're an errand girl, sent by grocery 
               clerks, to collect a bill.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, actually I do have a bill here, 
               if you could just sign this
 
               
               expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of 
               here.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will 
               have to see this hat.
 
               
               (George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding 
               a bag.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So how do you want to do this?

               
                             HEATHER
               Alright George I'll be honest, the first 
               time we went out, I found
 
               
               you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times, 
               you
 
               
               sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza!

               
               (Costanza like "By Mennen")

               
                             GEORGE
               So you really don't have my hat?

               
                             HEATHER
               What?

               
               (George moves his bag)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. let's go do something.

               
                             HEATHER
               What's in bag?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's a sandwich.

               
               (Clock starts ringing)

               
                             GEORGE
               Damn salami.

               
                             HEATHER
               My clock, you stole it!

               
                             GEORGE
               That damn deli that is last time they 
               screw up one of my orders.
 
               
               (Starts raining )

               
               (Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which 
               he was
 
               
               wearing) wet (or course))

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard 
               out there.
 
               
               (As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of 
               the wetness,
 
               
               the hat falls apart into everyone's plate)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good 
               for business.
 
               
                             SETH
               That's not gonna be good for anybody.
 
               
               
               (Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken 
               light goes
 
               
               out)

               
                             KRAMER
               Kenny? ... Kenny?

               
               (Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny" )
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Kenny....

               
               (Jerry is in bed at his own apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Home at last.

               
               (Creek!)

               
                             JERRY
               Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?

               
               (Elaine with Peterman in the jungle)

               
                             ELAINE
               Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in 
               the last catalog.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               The horror...the horror.

               
               
               
                             THE END

                


The Chicken Roaster



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer
Genres :   Comedy


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