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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                       THE CHINESE RESTAURANT



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               (A couple of days ago I used a public 
               phone), go over time on the call,
 
               
               
               hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. 
               It's the
 
               
               phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And 
               you got them
 
               
               right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're 
               on the
 
               
               street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a 
               few times, you
 
               
               know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it 
               up, "Yeah,
 
               
               operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... 
               D'you hear
 
               
               that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that 
               don't you?"
 
               
               (Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant)

               
                             ELAINE
               No, they've just got to get more cops 
               on the force, it's as simple as
 
               
               that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Cops. I don't even care about cops. 
               I wanna see more garbage men. It's
 
               
               
               much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage 
               cans and
 
               
               garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least 
               be clean.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I tell you what they should do, they 
               should combine the two jobs, make
 
               
               
               it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around 
               with nothing to
 
               
               do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch 
               a criminal, get
 
               
               right back to sweeping.

               
                             ELAINE
               You should run for mayor.

               
                             JERRY
               Ehh, nobody listens.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where is someone? I'm starving.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think this is him right here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Is there a table ready?

               
                             RESTAURANT MANAGER
               How many?

               
                             ELAINE
               How many?

               
                             JERRY
               Is Tatiana coming?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, I have to call her, tell 
               her where we are. I'm very
 
               
               lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? I thought things were going 
               OK.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They were, it's kinda complicated.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well what is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               How many?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld.

               
                             BRUCE
               Four. It'll be five, ten minutes.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you wanna do?

               
                             ELAINE
               Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We might as well just stay here, we 
               haven't got that much time if we
 
               
               wanna make it to the movie.

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Tatiana...

               
               (George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?
 
               
               
               (guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)

               
                             BRUCE
               Lashbrook(sp?), 4!

               
                             JERRY
               So did I do a terrible thing?

               
                             ELAINE
               You mean lying to your uncle?

               
                             JERRY
               I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 
               9 from Outer Space', one night
 
               
               only, the big screen. My hands are tied!

               
                             GEORGE
               You know it's a public phone, you're 
               not supposed to just
 
               
               chit-chat.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, get menus so when we sit down 
               we can order right away.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be 
               at the table.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He 
               just doesn't wanna look.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Everything's gotta be just so with you, 
               doesn't it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I offered you those cookies in 
               my house.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Health cookies. I hate those little 
               dustboard fructose things.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I just can't believe at the way people 
               are. What is it with humanity?
 
               
               What kind of a world do we live in?

               
               (Jerry stares at someone)

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               There's a woman over there that looks 
               really familiar. Dark hair,
 
               
               striped shirt?

               
                             ELAINE
               I've never seen her before.

               
                             JERRY
               I know this woman. This is gonna drive 
               me crazy.
 
               
               (a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Oh, Excuse me.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry.

               
               (the group just walks right into the dining room)

               
                             ELAINE
               Didja see that? Those people, look, 
               they're getting a table.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well maybe they were here from before.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No no no, they weren't here before.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, are you going to be much 
               longer? I have to make a
 
               
               very important call.

               
               (guy on phone turns away again)

               
                             ELAINE
               Find out what's going on!

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, didn't those people just 
               come in? I believe we were ahead of
 
               
               
               them.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             BRUCE
               What's your name?

               
                             JERRY
               Seinfeld.

               
               (Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)

               
                             BRUCE
               No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 
               2!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Did you ever notice how happy people 
               are when they finally get a table?
 
               
               
               They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's 
               enough to make
 
               
               you sick.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, you are really hungry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey!

               
               (guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, 
               goes over to Jerry)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               If anything happens here, can I count 
               on you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               If we decide to go at it.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I have to get in touch with Tatiana! 
               And look at his little outfit.
 
               
               It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. 
               I really hate
 
               
               this guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm gonna faint...

               
                             JERRY
               George, who is that woman in the stripes?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know her.

               
                             JERRY
               She looks so familiar.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ya know, its not fair people are seated 
               First Come First Served, It
 
               
               should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over 
               there and
 
               
               taking some food off somebody's plate.

               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks 
               in it for you if you do it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               You walk over that table, you pick up 
               an eggroll, you don't say
 
               
               anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, 
               walk away- I
 
               
               give you 50 bucks.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are they gonna do?

               
                             JERRY
               They won't do anything; in fact, you'll 
               be giving them a story to tell
 
               
               for the rest of their lives.

               
                             ELAINE
               50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               50 bucks. That table over there, the 
               three couples.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               OK, I don't wanna go over there and 
               do it, and then come back here and
 
               
               
               find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard 
               on it or
 
               
               something...

               
                             JERRY
               No, no tricks.

               
                             ELAINE
               Should I do it, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the 
               soup and blow.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm 
               doin' it.
 
               
               (Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)

               
                             ELAINE
               I know this sounds crazy, but the two 
               men who are
 
               
               standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here 
               and eat one of
 
               
               your eggrolls.

               
               (the people at the table are confused)

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.
 
               
               
                             PEOPLE AT TABLE
               What? What is she talking about? What 
               did she say?
 
               
               (Elaine runs from the table, laughing)

               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you see that?

               
                             GEORGE
               What were you doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               I offered them 25, they had no idea...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George, the phone's free.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alleluia.

               
               (as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts 
               dialing)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, I was waiting here.

               
                             WOMAN AT PHONE
               Where? I didn't see you.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've been standing here for the last 
               ten minutes!
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Well I won't be long.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's not the point. The point is I 
               was here first.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Well if you were here first, you'd be 
               holding the phone.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, we're living in a society! 
               We're supposed
 
               
               to act in a civilized way.

               
               (he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)

               
                             GEORGE
               Does she care? No. Does anyone ever 
               display the slightest sensitivity
 
               
               
               over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding 
               no!
 
               
               (guy on phone approaches George)

               
                             GUY
               Hey, sorry I took so long.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this 
               crazy? I'm gonna walk around,
 
               
               see what dishes look good.

               
                             JERRY
               I told my uncle I had a stomach ache 
               tonight. You think he bought that?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well, he probably bought it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what happened with Tatiana?

               
                             GEORGE
               I shouldn't even tell you this.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on...

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, after dinner last week, she invites 
               me back to her apartment.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm with you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's this little place with this 
               little bathroom. It's like
 
               
               right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off 
               in an alcove.
 
               
               You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool 
               around, and
 
               
               it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin 
               to perceive this
 
               
               impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to 
               surpass by great
 
               
               lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have 
               to stop. And as
 
               
               this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage 
               to momentarily...
 
               
               extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable 
               force, I know
 
               
               that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that 
               I know I'm
 
               
               going to need...

               
                             JERRY
               This could only happen to you.

               
                             GEORGE
               So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, 
               I hope you don't take this the
 
               
               wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

               
                             JERRY
               You said this to her after.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. During.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, boy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Wow! So...?

               
                             GEORGE
               So I'm dressing and she's staring up 
               at me, struggling to compute this
 
               
               
               unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure 
               this woman,
 
               
               and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse 
               she might
 
               
               possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, 
               and I'm very
 
               
               sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone 
               calls to get her
 
               
               to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, 
               and she's
 
               
               (gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.

               
               (Elaine comes over)

               
                             ELAINE
               I hate this place. I don't know why 
               we came here, I'm never coming back
 
               
               
               here again.

               
                             JERRY
               Who is that woman?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Remember when you first went out to 
               eat with your parents? Remember,
 
               
               it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food 
               that you never
 
               
               saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a 
               delicious and
 
               
               exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog 
               waiting for them
 
               
               to fill up the trough.

               
                             GEORGE
               She's off. (goes over to the now available 
               public phone)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, talk to that guy again.

               
                             JERRY
               What am I gonna say?

               
                             ELAINE
               Tell him we wanna catch a movie and 
               that we're late.
 
               
               (as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in)

               
                             MR. COHEN
               Hey, what stinks in here?

               
                             BRUCE
               Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple 
               of weeks.
 
               
                             MR. COHEN
               Well, I've been looking for a better 
               place.
 
               
               (Bruce laughs)

               
                             BRUCE
               Better place... Want a table?

               
                             MR. COHEN
               No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat 
               here.
 
               
                             BRUCE
               Give him a plate and you eat here... 
               Come on, I give you a
 
               
               table.

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me... we've been waiting here. 
               Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that
 
               
               
               guy, he just came in.

               
                             BRUCE
               Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here.

               
                             ELAINE
               He's always here? What does that mean? 
               What does that mean?
 
               
                             BRUCE
               Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live 
               on Park Avenue.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Where am I? Is this a dream? What in 
               God's name is going on here?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She's not there. She left. She must've 
               waited and left because those
 
               
               people wouldn't get off the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Didja leave a message?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I told her to call me here and 
               to tell anyone who answers the
 
               
               phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better 
               tell him I'm
 
               
               expecting a call.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Where do I know her?

               
               (woman in stripes approaches Jerry)

               
                             LORRAINE
               Hello, Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?

               
                             LORRAINE
               How is everything?

               
                             JERRY
               Good, good, good... What's goin' on?
 
               
               
                             LORRAINE
               Oh, working hard. And you?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, 
               doing... whatever.
 
               
                             LORRAINE
               You haven't been around in a while.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I know... Well, you know.

               
                             LORRAINE
               You should come by.

               
                             JERRY
               Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just 
               saying that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, I'm Elaine.

               
                             LORRAINE
               Lorraine. Catalano.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...
 
               
               
               (They all laugh, then silent)

               
                             LORRAINE
               Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. 
               And nice meeting you. (she
 
               
               leaves)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine 
               from my uncle's office. I'm in
 
               
               big, big trouble.

               
                             ELAINE
               The one you broke the plans with tonight?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's 
               gonna see him tomorrow and
 
               
               tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his 
               wife's gonna
 
               
               call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction 
               of calls
 
               
               this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like 
               the Bermuda
 
               
               Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to 
               my aunt, my aunt
 
               
               to my mother, my mother to my uncle...

               
                             JERRY
               ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin 
               to my sister, my sister to me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You should've just had dinner with your 
               uncle tonight and gotten in
 
               
               over with. It's just a movie.

               
                             JERRY
               Just a movie?! You don't understand. 
               This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8
 
               
               from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. 
               The worst
 
               
               movie ever made!

               
               (Elaine nods)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I got news for you, if we're making 
               this movie, we gotta get a
 
               
               table immediately.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. 
               Let's just slip him some
 
               
               money.

               
                             JERRY
               In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take 
               money?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do they take money? Everyone takes money. 
               I used to go out with a guy
 
               
               who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.

               
                             GEORGE
               20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well what do you want to give him, change?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's more than the meal!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three 
               ways.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. 
               I'm not gonna eat that much!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's 
               gonna do it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good 
               at these things, I get flustered.
 
               
               
               Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost 
               got arrested.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I guess it's you, Jer.

               
                             JERRY
               Me? What about you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The woman's movement just can't seem 
               to make any progress in the world
 
               
               
               of bribery, can they?

               
                             ELAINE
               Give me the money.

               
               (Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How's it going'?

               
                             BRUCE
               Very busy.

               
               (Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.
 
               
               
                             BRUCE
               Very good specials tonight.

               
               (Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)

               
                             ELAINE
               If there's anything you can do to get 
               us a table we'd really appreciate
 
               
               
               it.

               
                             BRUCE
               What is your name? (he turns the page 
               over the money)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No no, I want to eat now! (she gets 
               the money from under the page)
 
               
                             BRUCE
               Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, 
               very fresh.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Here, take this. I'm starving. Take 
               it! Take
 
               
               it!

               
               (Bruce shrugs and takes it)

               
                             BRUCE
               Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) 
               Your table is ready.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No no, no, I want that table. I want 
               that table! Oh, come on, did you
 
               
               see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us 
               a table.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You lost the 20.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, how could he do that?

               
                             GEORGE
               You didn't make it clear.

               
                             ELAINE
               Make it clear?

               
                             JERRY
               What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, 
               let me get the money back.
 
               
               (goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely 
               embarrassing, my
 
               
               friend here apparently made a mistake.

               
                             BRUCE
               Your name?

               
                             JERRY
               Seinfeld.

               
                             BRUCE
               Yeah, Seinfeld 4!

               
                             JERRY
               No no no, you see the girl there, with 
               the long hair?
 
               
               (Elaine waves at him, smiling)

               
                             BRUCE
               Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very 
               beautiful. Is your girlfriend?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, actually, we did date for a while, 
               but... it's really not relevant
 
               
               here.

               
                             BRUCE
               Relationships are difficult. It's very 
               hard to stay together-
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, listen, alright. How much longer 
               is it gonna be?
 
               
                             BRUCE
               Oh. In about five, ten minutes.

               
               (Jerry goes over to Elaine and George)

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So when are we gonna eat?

               
                             JERRY
               Five, ten minutes.

               
                             GEORGE
               We should have left earlier. I told 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't see any way we can eat and make 
               this movie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well I have to eat.

               
                             JERRY
               Well let's just order to go, we'll eat 
               it in the cab.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a 
               cab?
 
               
                             JERRY
               We'll eat it in the movie.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, who do you think you're going? Do 
               you think that they have big
 
               
               picnic tables there?

               
                             JERRY
               Well what do you suggest?

               
                             ELAINE
               I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' 
               and we scarf 'em down.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, 
               it's in the opposite direction,
 
               
               let's just eat popcorn or something.

               
                             BRUCE
               Cartwright?

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't have popcorn for dinner!

               
                             BRUCE
               Cartwright?

               
                             ELAINE
               I have to eat!

               
                             JERRY
               So they have hotdogs there.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the 
               food off the floor.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't go anywhere, I have to wait 
               here for Tatiana's call. Let me
 
               
               just check.

               
               (goes over to Bruce)

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?
 
               
               
                             BRUCE
               Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! 
               Cartwright!', just like
 
               
               that. Nobody came up, I hang up.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, was it for Costanza or...

               
                             BRUCE
               Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well was it a woman?

               
                             BRUCE
               Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, 
               she said curse word, I hang up.
 
               
               (George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)

               
                             GEORGE
               She called. He yelled Cartwright. I 
               missed her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who's Cartwright?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm Cartwright!

               
                             JERRY
               You're not Cartwri-

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, 
               why don't you two just go to the
 
               
               movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So You're not going?

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't need us.

               
                             JERRY
               Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. 
               Who am I gonna make sarcastic
 
               
               remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Should we tell him we're leaving?

               
                             ELAINE
               What for? Let's just get out of here.
 
               
               
               (they all leave)

               
                             BRUCE
               Seinfeld, 4?

               
               (closing monologue)

               
                             JERRY
               Hunger will make people do amazing things. 
               I mean, the proof of that is               
               cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating 
               and, you               
               know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, 
               I mean, I               
               would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying 
               to get some very               
               deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, 
               (pretending to               
               wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody 
               there? What do               
               you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? 
               Get out of here!"

               
               
               
                                  THE END





The Chinese Restaurant



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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