THE CHINESE WOMAN
Good shave today..
[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry,
I can manage these bags; really
I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns
grow in a little..
Can we rest here a second.
[pause] Yeah, I guess.
[She sits on the stairs of a small
.. So how's Noreen?
Mm! She's got a new boyfriend:
Already? That was fast.. I assume
he's not a High Talker..
No, but, he has, The Worst Habit.
Whenever he answers the phone,
won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta
go through, like, ten minutes of
A Long Talker.
Yeah! But he is so boring! But
now, whenever he answers the phone:
just hang up.
[pause] All right; let's move it
[ELAINE gets her bags.]
Hey, isn't that George's father?
Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say
I've never seen him in Manhattan
before; it's weird. So out of context.
That man he's with: is he wearing
I believe he is wearing a cape.
Why is Mr. Costanza with a man
in a cape?
Well, it is good cape weather.
Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape?
Where do you even get a cape?
You're right; it is strange. In
fact, let's cross to the other
the street. Cover me.
[ELAINE positions the bags to cover
her face and upper body. JERRY
by her so he's out of view, too.]
[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]
[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's
Just, ah, plop it on the counter
[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately
and throws the others on the counter.
He hadn't helped her at all on
the way--payback time. Then, during
following, she spends a lot of
time looking for food in the bags
puts some in one bag--presumably
Oh! I got a message. [presses button
on phone machine]
[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got
nothin' to say.. [beeeep]
That sounds Urgent..
Let me call him back..
Hello?? Who is this?
Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must
o' dialed the wrong number.
[is redialing] Should've talked
to her; I love Chinese women.
Isn't that a little racist?
If I like their race, how can that
Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..
Yyy-yes, I am calling George..
Oh, the lines are crossed; you're
getting his calls. Well, what do
[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle
of water. JERRY stays on the line
chat with Donna.]
I'm goin' through this stuff like
water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin'
He's on with a Chinese woman.
Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian
women. [a little distracted, pulling
down his underwear in back, through
You got a.. comfort problem there?
Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
I thought you wore silk underwear.
No. Well, you know, I wore 'em
for about a month but I couldn't
with it. Yeah, I need the secure
packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.
Then he makes a hand gesture of
grabbing up.] My boys need a house.
[not charmed..] That's nice.
Listen, Kramer, you know, if you
ever want to have kids you shouldn't
wear briefs. Boxers are much better
for your sperm count.
Well how many ssssperm should I
[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered
into the bedroom and is now off
I got a date!
With the Chinese woman?!
She knew who I was! She saw me
in a club one time! My first date
with the Pacific Rim. I'm very
Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm
No, why should I? I wear boxers.
You ever get a woman pregnant?
I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records
are permanently sealed..
What would you say if I told you,
"I never impregnated a woman"?
Really? You never slipped one past
the goalie in all these years??..
Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept
with a lot of women, I--
A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked
Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!
Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally
Well, but what if I am? I'm the
last male Kramer! We're facing
Well, go to a fertility clinic.
Have your sperm count checked.
Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well,
you know.. into a cup? In the middle
of the day??
Does that conflict with your regular
[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]
[going to the phone, she's been
eating chips from small package
All right. I'm gonna try Noreen
I am very excited about this date!
We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!
She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese
She suggested it!
I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..
She's very assimilated.
[Elaine's on the phone--we hear
a male, "Hello?" on the other end.
ELAINE quickly hangs up.]
[matter of fact] You can't get
one ring past him.
[GEORGE comes in.]
Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me
I tried! Your line's crossed with
a Chinese woman!
[coming toward GEORGE to sit over
by JERRY, who's on the arm of the
couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey,
George, we saw your father on the
What's he doin' in the city today?
[They both shrug.]
You didn't ask him?
[They both shake heads no. Elaine's
You didn't say hello?
Well, he was with someone.
A man.. In a cape.
Why was he wearing a cape?..
[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]
Was my father wearing a cape?
No. Jacket and tie: no cape.
Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes
to door] W--a man with a cape doin'
with my father?.. What was my father
doing with a man in a cape? ..
[opens door] Why a cape? [out the
door and gone]
[Fertility clinic. In an examination
room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR
The results of your sperm test
Well, ummm.. Are you planning to
start a family?
Yes! I would like to! Very much!..
Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I
ca--I can feel it!...
Yes, I'm afraid you're a little
Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer
name is finished! I'm never goin'
Hey--that's not necessarily true.
There are measures you can take
improve your fertility.
All right, all right. What. What.
You tell me; I'll do anything.
on, Doc, tell me.
First thing: you should wear boxer
All the time?
All the time. Ya have to get off
Jockeys right away.
Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.
[At Elaine's. She's in her robe
and talking on the phone, blowing
dryer onto the phone.]
Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!
Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone
so I don't really have time to
Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh.
She's not?! Okay, great. Well you
just tell her I called, then, an'--
Well, yes. It has been unseasonably
Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up
to the building now. So, I'm gonna..
[a little later, is sitting] Yeah,
I took 20%, too..
Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair
dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car..
seems to be running out of gas.
.. I'm gonna.. have to get off
phone. [hangs up]
[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's
in the waiting area, in a good
sitting next to a GUY.]
Just let me know when the rest
of your party has arrived, sir.
Yes, I will.
[indicating a cigarette] Mind?
[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand
smoke two packs a day.
[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not
oriental. But is good-looking.]
[pause] 'scuse me?
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
I'm Donna Chang..
[stands, in shock, it's not sinking
in] What do you mean?
I mean: I'm Donna Chang.
[pause] You're Donna Chang?
Did you think I was Chinese?..
Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of
Actually, the family name wasn't
I didn't think so.
It used to be "Changstein."
[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY.
She's making herself a bowl of
She's not Chinese?
No. Not Chinese.
Not even Asian.
So. What is she?
Well, she's.. like you.
[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed
you must have been. [walks to couch,
Well, it's false advertising, see?
And the thing is, I think she likes
people thinkin' she's Chinese.
She suggests Chinese food. She
introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..
So why're you seeing her again..
Well, she is a woman.
I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They
might be breakin' up.
[sits on couch as something occurs
to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny
Paul an' Noreen broke up because
o' you kept hangin' up on him?
[pause] What do you mean?
Well, you know if Paul thought
it was some guy.. hangin' up because
was having an affair with Noreen?
[As ELAINE considers the implications,
KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile
of underwear in his hands.]
Here. Take my Jockey shorts.
[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following
him as JERRY walks backward
around the apartment during the
What is that?!!
Look, you gotta help me. I have
to get off Jockey shorts.
Wha--you have a low sperm count?
Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take
Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.
Jerry, look! You gotta help me!
I can't have 'em near me! If I
pair in my house, I'm gonna wear
Look! I don't want 'em!
All it takes is one pair! Now,
I'm not gonna be able to sleep
if those are in the house!
[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's
table and is grabbing at his own
Boxers! How do you wear these things!!
Look at that--they're baggin' up,
they're rising in! An' there's
nothing holding me in place! I'm
pin'! I'm floppin'!
[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]
What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm
goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]
[calmly turns back to The Pile
on his table] Well. I'm gonna have
[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER
at a booth.]
Ya know what I like about Manhattan?
There's no mosquitoes.
Plenty of mosquitoes.
Queens is full of mosquitoes.
Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.
Dad! I heard you were in the city
the other day!
Your mother has to tell you every
move I make!?
No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.
They didn't say hello?
Well, they were in a rush.
They couldn't just say hello?!
.. Oh, to hell with them.
They, uh.. said you were with some
guy who was wearing a cape, ha
Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello.
She's very--what's the
How could Jerry not say Hello?!!
[Night. At Jerry's with he and
DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch
drying the dishes. She's just hung
up the phone.]
So did they, uh, uncross the lines,
No. They can't find the problem.
It's really getting ridicurous(sic).
[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should
he say something--can't
decide if he should. finally..]
Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?
[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic)
[he and she look at each
[GEORGE comes in.]
Oh, what are you doing here?
Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA]
talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't
you had company. [JERRY indicates
he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.
Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm
Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself
that as weird, is heading to the
I just spoke to your mother before.
[pause] You spoke to my mother?
She was trying to call you, but--
The rines(sic) were crossed?
[They both look at him weird.]
Did you say, "The rines(sic) were
[pause] George, she's so sweet.
We talked for an hour!
Anyway, I'm really sorry.
Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have
to be sorry for?
Well, she told me she and your
father are getting divorced.
[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE
immediately and ritually goes to
oven, turns on the gas, opens the
door and sticks his head in it.]
[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]
[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's
left. Elaine's there.]
Divorced. That's really too bad..
Yeah, you know it's a shame his
parents didn't get divorced thirty
ago. He could have been normal.
[coming out of bathroom] Oh my
God! You know what I just realized?!
they get divorced an' live in two
separate places? That's twice as
I never thought of that.
Imagine if I had to see them both
on the same day? [mirthless] Haha!
It's like runnin' the double marathon!
Hey George, did you have any idea
that anything was wrong?
Have you ever spent any time with
You know what this has to do with?
The man in the cape--I bet you
mixed up in this!
I don't trust men in capes.
You can't cast aspersions on someone
just because they're wearin' a
cape. .. Superman wore a cape..
An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna
here an' let you say something
bad about him.
All right Superman's the exception.
[has been watching that with amazed
Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that
Noreen and Paul are breaking up.
want you to put in a good word
for me. [to JERRY] I've always
thing for Noreen.
Oh, Kramer. You don't understand.
This could be my fault.
Well, if she's available now, I'm
not gonna let her slip through
fingers this time. Nooope. [walking
around at ease, some dancy moves]
Well it looks like you've adjusted
to the boxers..
Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as
You went back to the Jockeys?
[pause] Oh, no.
Don't you see what's goin' on here???
.. No boxers, no Jockeys..
The only thing between him and
us is a thin layer of gabardine..
Kramer, say it isn't so.
Oh, it be so.
I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin'
every minute of it!!!
Don't you need a little.. help?
Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm
unfettered.. [opens door to leave,
still very happy, then:] I'm like
a naked innocent boy rrroamin'
[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN
are sitting at the counter. We're
looking straight at them.]
Well, you guys are tryin' to work
it out! That's great!..
Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He
just went insane there for a while..
Oh, he went insane?..
Believe it or not: Paul was convinced
I was having an affair because
somebody kept calling and hanging
up whenever he answered! What kind
a Sick Person calls and hangs up
over and over?
[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical,
avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I
don't know about sick. I mean,
maybe it was somebody who, didn't
talk to whoever was answering because
whoever was answering was always
making, boring chit-chat, an' was
completely oblivious to the fact
the person who was calling, didn't
want to speak to them, ah!
[has been growing increasingly
slackjawed in amazement] I can't
that was you..
[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry,
[pause] So you thought he was boring?
Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha
[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]
[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's
What are you doin' to this woman?!
This is the second relationship
you've ruined for her in a few
First you ruin her relationship
with the High Talker.
Well, Jer--I got confused, they
sound exactly the same.
So she breaks up with him. Somehow
picks up the pieces of her life.
Miraculously meets: A New Guy!
Ya bust that up! An' then, just
reconciling, you announce to the
world: He's Boring.
[apologetically] I didn't know
she'd take it so seriously.
Well, apparently you have a tremendous
influence over this woman!
Anything you say she does!
[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over,
hits the button.]
It's Donna Chang.
[hits button] Come on up.
Well, I guess I just didn't realize
Well, let's look back on your history
with this woman. Okay?
First, you encouraged her to join:
The Army. .. She did.
She was lost..
Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL!
Well, she didn't seem to be havin'
so much fun..
You know.. You better make sure
you never tell this woman to jump
the Brooklyn Bridge..
If I have this much influence over
her, why don't I just call her
tell her to get back together with
[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly,
Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..
[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE:
Hi! Good to meet you.]
[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza
called me, they're not getting
Why? What happened?
Well, she was trying to call George
last night, she got me, we spoke
an hour, she changed her mind!!!
Wow! That's amazing!
Anyway, she wants to meet me! She
invited me over for dinner! She
you should come too.
Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna
have to cancel my acupuncture class.
[goes to phone]
[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly
[Same day. At the Costanzas', are
GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE
just entered. ESTELLE's snacking
All right. Let me just say one
thing: there is no way that this
to happen. No Way! Because if you
think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings,
you're out of your minds!!!
[calmly] We're not getting divorced.
You mother changed her mind.. [tries
to catch a fly with his hand]
[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's
Very good! I'm very glad to hear
Yeah. We worked it out.
All right. So let me ask you a
question. Who was the man in the
He was my lawyer.
You lawyer wears a cape..?
Yeah. So what?
Who wears a cape?
He's very independent; doesn't
follow the trends.
He looks ridiculous in that thing..
You have no eye for fashion!!!
I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!
All right! Come on!
Let's not fight.
FRANK and ESTELLE
All right! All right!
So what made you change your mind?
It was that Chinese woman.
[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving,
DONNA CHANG is with him.]
So I'm curious. What'd you tell
Mrs. Costanza that changed her
I mentioned a few bits of wisdom
[pause] Confucius, huh?
[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...
[The Costanzas again. They open
the door for JERRY and DONNA.]
Hey! I heard the good news!
Jerry: how come you didn't say
hello to me the other day, huh?!
Elaine was.. in a rush.
I knew it was Elaine!!
You must be Estelle.
Yes. Who are you..?
I'm Donna Chang!
You're not Chinese!
[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment.
NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on
couch when the phone rings. KRAMER
picks it up. Scene cuts back and
forth between ELAINE and them.]
What're you doin' there?
Wellll, isn't it obvious?
Uh! Ah, is Noreen there?
Yes, she is..
Well? Can I talk to her?
What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?
[tired] Fine--would you just put
Well, I feel it'd be best if you
just didn't talk to her for a while..
She an' I have had a very long
talk. An' I was appalled to learn
destructive influence you've had
over her life lo these many years..
What are you insane?!
From now, on, I'll be calling the
shots around here..
Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna
Well. I've encouraged her to go
back into the Army..
There she'll get the structure
an' the discipline she needs right
And she'll have qualified officers
telling her what to do..
Uh! Kramer! You have got to let
me talk to her!
Can't help ya, kid.
[Back at the Costanzas'. Still
You're not Chinese!?!?
I thought you were Chinese!!
I'm from Long Island.
I thought I was gettin' advice
from a Chinese woman!!
Well! Then, that changes everything!
She's not Chinese; I was duped!!
So what?! She gave you advice;
what's the difference if she's
I'm not taking advice from some
girl from Long Island!! [goes into
[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now
you're getting a divorce because
she's from Long Island?!?!
[from the living room, standing,
shouts after them] You want a
divorce?!!? You got one!!!
[pause, to DONNA] You know, you
might wanna think about changin'
[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking
down the street.]
So, ever since she started dating
Kramer, she won't even talk to
Well--Noreen listened to you like
George's mother listened to the
[pause] You know, everybody listens
to the Chinese.
I mean, look at the fortune cookie.
You couldn't get away with that
any other restaurant.
[has just bought a newspaper out
of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading
any rolled-up messages in a knish..
[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets
Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!
I predicted it! [hits cab roof
twice, it drives off]
Saw both of them today!
What a disaster!
I'm runnin' all over Queens. First
I saw my mother. We had lunch
together. Never had, Lunch, with
my mother before--it's like a date!
Then we drive down to Kew Gardens!
Tons of traffic! I see my father.
played "Clue"! All day with this!
[KRAMER sticks his head out of
his (or Jerry's) apartment window,
down to them.]
Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer
name might live on! Noreen's late!
[During credit roll. Night on the
Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over
edge, the wind blowing up on her
face. Then a man in a black cape
over to her cautiously, reaches
and holds her forearm.]
Who are you?!
[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank
Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her
back off (and out of view of the
The Chinese Woman
Writers : Peter Mehlman
Genres : Comedy