The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE CHINESE WOMAN



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




           
          
          (The street)
          

                       JERRY          
          Good shave today..
          

                       ELAINE          
          [wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry,
          I can manage these bags; really
          I'm
          
          fine.
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns
          grow in a little..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Can we rest here a second.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] Yeah, I guess.
          
          [She sits on the stairs of a small
          entryway.]
          

                       JERRY          
          .. So how's Noreen?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Mm! She's got a new boyfriend:
          Paul.
          

                       JERRY          
          Already? That was fast.. I assume
          he's not a High Talker..
          

                       ELAINE          
          No, but, he has, The Worst Habit.
          Whenever he answers the phone,
          he
          
          won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta
          go through, like, ten minutes of
          
          chit-chat.
          

                       JERRY          
          A Long Talker.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Yeah! But he is so boring! But
          now, whenever he answers the phone:
          I
          
          just hang up.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] All right; let's move it
          out.
          
          [ELAINE gets her bags.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey, isn't that George's father?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say
          hello?
          

                       JERRY          
          I've never seen him in Manhattan
          before; it's weird. So out of context.
          

                       ELAINE          
          That man he's with: is he wearing
          a cape?
          

                       JERRY          
          I believe he is wearing a cape.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Why is Mr. Costanza with a man
          in a cape?
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, it is good cape weather.
          Cool. Breezy.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape?
          Where do you even get a cape?
          

                       JERRY          
          You're right; it is strange. In
          fact, let's cross to the other
          side of
          
          the street. Cover me.
          
          [ELAINE positions the bags to cover
          her face and upper body. JERRY
          walks
          
          by her so he's out of view, too.]
          
           
          
          
          
          [End of Intro-- time: 1:23]
          
          [Commercial Break]
          
          
          
          [JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's
          "house."]
          

                       JERRY          
          Just, ah, plop it on the counter
          there.
          
          [ELAINE drops one bag deliberately
          and throws the others on the counter.
          
          He hadn't helped her at all on
          the way--payback time. Then, during
          the
          
          following, she spends a lot of
          time looking for food in the bags
          and
          
          puts some in one bag--presumably
          hers.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh! I got a message. [presses button
          on phone machine]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [on tape] Hey, it's George. I got
          nothin' to say.. [beeeep]
          

                       ELAINE          
          That sounds Urgent..
          

                       JERRY          
          Let me call him back..
          
          Hello?? Who is this?
          
          Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must
          o' dialed the wrong number.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Donna Chang?
          

                       JERRY          
          [is redialing] Should've talked
          to her; I love Chinese women.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Isn't that a little racist?
          

                       JERRY          
          If I like their race, how can that
          be racist?..
          
          Hellooo??..
          
          Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..
          
          Yyy-yes, I am calling George..
          
          Oh, the lines are crossed; you're
          getting his calls. Well, what do
          you
          
          know?!
          
          [KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle
          of water. JERRY stays on the line
          to
          
          chat with Donna.]
          

                       JERRY          
          So listen..
          

                       KRAMER          
          I'm goin' through this stuff like
          water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin'
          to?
          

                       ELAINE          
          He's on with a Chinese woman.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian
          women. [a little distracted, pulling
          
          down his underwear in back, through
          his pants]
          

                       ELAINE          
          You got a.. comfort problem there?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
          

                       ELAINE          
          I thought you wore silk underwear.
          

                       KRAMER          
          No. Well, you know, I wore 'em
          for about a month but I couldn't
          stay
          
          with it. Yeah, I need the secure
          packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.
          
          Then he makes a hand gesture of
          grabbing up.] My boys need a house.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [not charmed..] That's nice.
          
          Listen, Kramer, you know, if you
          ever want to have kids you shouldn't
          
          wear briefs. Boxers are much better
          for your sperm count.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Sperm count?
          
          Well how many ssssperm should I
          have?
          

                       ELAINE          
          A lot.
          
          [JERRY comes back. He'd wandered
          into the bedroom and is now off
          the
          
          phone.]
          

                       JERRY          
          I got a date!
          

                       ELAINE          
          With the Chinese woman?!
          

                       JERRY          
          She knew who I was! She saw me
          in a club one time! My first date
          ever
          
          with the Pacific Rim. I'm very
          excited.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm
          count checked?
          

                       JERRY          
          No, why should I? I wear boxers.
          

                       KRAMER          
          You ever get a woman pregnant?
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records
          are permanently sealed..
          

                       KRAMER          
          What would you say if I told you,
          "I never impregnated a woman"?
          

                       JERRY          
          Really? You never slipped one past
          the goalie in all these years??..
          
          Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept
          with a lot of women, I--
          

                       KRAMER          
          A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked
          out]
          
          Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally
          Depleted.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, but what if I am? I'm the
          last male Kramer! We're facing
          extinction!
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, go to a fertility clinic.
          Have your sperm count checked.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well,
          you know.. into a cup? In the middle
          
          of the day??
          

                       ELAINE          
          Does that conflict with your regular
          schedule?
          
          [KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          [going to the phone, she's been
          eating chips from small package
          of them]
          
          All right. I'm gonna try Noreen
          again.
          

                       JERRY          
          I am very excited about this date!
          We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!
          

                       ELAINE          
          She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese
          food?
          

                       JERRY          
          She suggested it!
          

                       ELAINE          
          I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..
          

                       JERRY          
          She's very assimilated.
          
          [Elaine's on the phone--we hear
          a male, "Hello?" on the other end.
          
          ELAINE quickly hangs up.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Paul again?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [matter of fact] You can't get
          one ring past him.
          
          [GEORGE comes in.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me
          back?!
          

                       JERRY          
          I tried! Your line's crossed with
          a Chinese woman!
          

                       GEORGE          
          Uh?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [coming toward GEORGE to sit over
          by JERRY, who's on the arm of the
          
          couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey,
          George, we saw your father on the
          
          street before.
          

                       GEORGE          
          What's he doin' in the city today?
          
          [They both shrug.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          You didn't ask him?
          
          [They both shake heads no. Elaine's
          eating chips.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          You didn't say hello?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, he was with someone.
          
          A man.. In a cape.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Why was he wearing a cape?..
          
          [ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Was my father wearing a cape?
          

                       JERRY          
          No. Jacket and tie: no cape.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes
          to door] W--a man with a cape doin'
          
          with my father?.. What was my father
          doing with a man in a cape? ..
          
          [opens door] Why a cape? [out the
          door and gone]
          
           
          
          
          
          [Fertility clinic. In an examination
          room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR
          
          comes in.]
          

                       DOCTOR          
          The results of your sperm test
          are in.
          
          Well, ummm.. Are you planning to
          start a family?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yes! I would like to! Very much!..
          
          Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I
          ca--I can feel it!...
          

                       DOCTOR          
          Yes, I'm afraid you're a little
          low.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer
          name is finished! I'm never goin'
          to
          
          procreate! I--
          

                       DOCTOR          
          Hey--that's not necessarily true.
          There are measures you can take
          to
          
          improve your fertility.
          

                       KRAMER          
          All right, all right. What. What.
          You tell me; I'll do anything.
          Come
          
          on, Doc, tell me.
          

                       DOCTOR          
          First thing: you should wear boxer
          shorts.
          

                       KRAMER          
          All the time?
          

                       DOCTOR          
          All the time. Ya have to get off
          Jockeys right away.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.
          
           
          
          
          
          [At Elaine's. She's in her robe
          and talking on the phone, blowing
          a hair
          
          dryer onto the phone.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!
          
          Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone
          so I don't really have time to
          talk.
          
          Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh.
          She's not?! Okay, great. Well you
          can
          
          just tell her I called, then, an'--
          
          Well, yes. It has been unseasonably
          cool lately..
          
          Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up
          to the building now. So, I'm gonna..
          
          [a little later, is sitting] Yeah,
          I took 20%, too..
          
          Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair
          dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car..
          
          seems to be running out of gas.
          .. I'm gonna.. have to get off
          the
          
          phone. [hangs up]
          
           
          
          
          
          [Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's
          in the waiting area, in a good
          mood,
          
          sitting next to a GUY.]
          

                       HOSTESS          
          Just let me know when the rest
          of your party has arrived, sir.
          

                       JERRY          
          Yes, I will.
          

                       GUY          
          [indicating a cigarette] Mind?
          

                       JERRY          
          [good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand
          smoke two packs a day.
          
          [DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not
          oriental. But is good-looking.]
          

                       DONNA          
          Jerry.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] 'scuse me?
          

                       DONNA          
          Hi. Sorry I'm late.
          

                       JERRY          
          Who're you?
          

                       DONNA          
          I'm Donna Chang..
          

                       JERRY          
          [stands, in shock, it's not sinking
          in] What do you mean?
          

                       DONNA          
          I mean: I'm Donna Chang.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] You're Donna Chang?
          

                       DONNA          
          Did you think I was Chinese?..
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of
          the "Chang"?
          

                       DONNA          
          Actually, the family name wasn't
          originally Chang.
          

                       JERRY          
          I didn't think so.
          

                       DONNA          
          It used to be "Changstein."
          
           
          
          
          
          [Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY.
          She's making herself a bowl of
          
          Raisin Bran.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          She's not Chinese?
          

                       JERRY          
          No. Not Chinese.
          
          Not even Asian.
          

                       ELAINE          
          So. What is she?
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, she's.. like you.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [pause] Oh, how.. disappointed
          you must have been. [walks to couch,
          with
          
          her cereal]
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, it's false advertising, see?
          And the thing is, I think she likes
          
          people thinkin' she's Chinese.
          She suggests Chinese food. She
          always
          
          introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..
          

                       ELAINE          
          So why're you seeing her again..
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, she is a woman.
          

                       ELAINE          
          I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They
          might be breakin' up.
          

                       JERRY          
          Really?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, maybe.
          

                       JERRY          
          [sits on couch as something occurs
          to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny
          if
          
          Paul an' Noreen broke up because
          o' you kept hangin' up on him?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [pause] What do you mean?
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, you know if Paul thought
          it was some guy.. hangin' up because
          he
          
          was having an affair with Noreen?
          
          [As ELAINE considers the implications,
          KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile
          
          of underwear in his hands.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Here. Take my Jockey shorts.
          
          [JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following
          him as JERRY walks backward
          
          around the apartment during the
          following.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Whoa! Whoa!
          

                       JERRY          
          What is that?!!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Look, you gotta help me. I have
          to get off Jockey shorts.
          

                       JERRY          
          Wha--you have a low sperm count?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take
          'em.
          

                       JERRY          
          Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Jerry, look! You gotta help me!
          I can't have 'em near me! If I
          have one
          
          pair in my house, I'm gonna wear
          them!
          

                       JERRY          
          Look! I don't want 'em!
          

                       KRAMER          
          All it takes is one pair! Now,
          come on!
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm not gonna be able to sleep
          if those are in the house!
          
          [KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's
          table and is grabbing at his own
          
          pants.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Boxers! How do you wear these things!!
          Look at that--they're baggin' up,
          
          they're rising in! An' there's
          nothing holding me in place! I'm
          flip
          
          pin'! I'm floppin'!
          
          [ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm
          goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]
          

                       JERRY          
          [calmly turns back to The Pile
          on his table] Well. I'm gonna have
          to
          
          move now.
          
           
          
          
          
          [At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER
          at a booth.]
          

                       FRANK          
          Ya know what I like about Manhattan?
          There's no mosquitoes.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Plenty of mosquitoes.
          

                       FRANK          
          Queens is full of mosquitoes.
          

                       GEORGE          
          So, Dad..
          

                       FRANK          
          Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Dad! I heard you were in the city
          the other day!
          

                       FRANK          
          Your mother has to tell you every
          move I make!?
          

                       GEORGE          
          No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.
          

                       FRANK          
          They didn't say hello?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Well, they were in a rush.
          

                       FRANK          
          They couldn't just say hello?!
          .. Oh, to hell with them.
          

                       GEORGE          
          They, uh.. said you were with some
          guy who was wearing a cape, ha
          ha.
          

                       FRANK          
          Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello.
          She's very--what's the
          
          word--supercilious.
          

                       GEORGE          
          So Dad.
          

                       FRANK          
          How could Jerry not say Hello?!!
          
           
          
          
          
          [Night. At Jerry's with he and
          DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch
          and he's
          
          drying the dishes. She's just hung
          up the phone.]
          

                       JERRY          
          So did they, uh, uncross the lines,
          yet?
          

                       DONNA          
          No. They can't find the problem.
          It's really getting ridicurous(sic).
          

                       JERRY          
          [long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should
          he say something--can't
          
          decide if he should. finally..]
          Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?
          

                       DONNA          
          Ridiculous.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic)
          [he and she look at each
          
          other, puzzled.]
          
          [GEORGE comes in.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, what are you doing here?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA]
          talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't
          know
          
          you had company. [JERRY indicates
          he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.
          

                       DONNA          
          Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm
          Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself
          registers
          
          that as weird, is heading to the
          kitchen.]
          
          I just spoke to your mother before.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [pause] You spoke to my mother?
          

                       DONNA          
          She was trying to call you, but--
          

                       JERRY          
          The rines(sic) were crossed?
          
          [They both look at him weird.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Did you say, "The rines(sic) were
          crossed?"
          

                       JERRY          
          Did I?
          

                       DONNA          
          [pause] George, she's so sweet.
          We talked for an hour!
          
          Anyway, I'm really sorry.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have
          to be sorry for?
          

                       DONNA          
          Well, she told me she and your
          father are getting divorced.
          
          [JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE
          immediately and ritually goes to
          the
          
          oven, turns on the gas, opens the
          door and sticks his head in it.]
          
           
          
          
          
          [End of Act I-- time: 10:18]
          
          [Commercial Break]
          
          
          
          [Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's
          left. Elaine's there.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Divorced. That's really too bad..
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah, you know it's a shame his
          parents didn't get divorced thirty
          years
          
          ago. He could have been normal.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [coming out of bathroom] Oh my
          God! You know what I just realized?!
          If
          
          they get divorced an' live in two
          separate places? That's twice as
          many
          
          visits!
          

                       JERRY          
          I never thought of that.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Imagine if I had to see them both
          on the same day? [mirthless] Haha!
          
          It's like runnin' the double marathon!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Hey George, did you have any idea
          that anything was wrong?
          

                       JERRY          
          Have you ever spent any time with
          these people..?
          

                       GEORGE          
          You know what this has to do with?
          The man in the cape--I bet you
          he is
          
          mixed up in this!
          
          I don't trust men in capes.
          

                       JERRY          
          You can't cast aspersions on someone
          just because they're wearin' a
          
          cape. .. Superman wore a cape..
          An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna
          stand
          
          here an' let you say something
          bad about him.
          

                       GEORGE          
          All right Superman's the exception.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [has been watching that with amazed
          disbelief]
          
          [KRAMER enters.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that
          Noreen and Paul are breaking up.
          I
          
          want you to put in a good word
          for me. [to JERRY] I've always
          had a
          
          thing for Noreen.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh, Kramer. You don't understand.
          This could be my fault.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, if she's available now, I'm
          not gonna let her slip through
          my
          
          fingers this time. Nooope. [walking
          around at ease, some dancy moves]
          

                       JERRY          
          Well it looks like you've adjusted
          to the boxers..
          

                       KRAMER          
          Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as
          that.
          

                       JERRY          
          You went back to the Jockeys?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Wrong again.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] Oh, no.
          

                       ELAINE          
          What? What?..
          

                       JERRY          
          Don't you see what's goin' on here???
          .. No boxers, no Jockeys..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Eeaawww...
          

                       JERRY          
          The only thing between him and
          us is a thin layer of gabardine..
          

                       JERRY          
          Kramer, say it isn't so.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, it be so.
          
          I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin'
          every minute of it!!!
          

                       JERRY          
          Don't you need a little.. help?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm
          unfettered.. [opens door to leave,
          
          still very happy, then:] I'm like
          a naked innocent boy rrroamin'
          the
          
          countryside!!
          
           
          
          
          
          [Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN
          are sitting at the counter. We're
          
          looking straight at them.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, you guys are tryin' to work
          it out! That's great!..
          

                       NOREEN          
          Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He
          just went insane there for a while..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh, he went insane?..
          

                       NOREEN          
          Believe it or not: Paul was convinced
          I was having an affair because
          
          somebody kept calling and hanging
          up whenever he answered! What kind
          of
          
          a Sick Person calls and hangs up
          over and over?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [awkward, defensive yet hypothetical,
          avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I
          
          don't know about sick. I mean,
          maybe it was somebody who, didn't
          wanna,
          
          talk to whoever was answering because
          whoever was answering was always
          
          making, boring chit-chat, an' was
          completely oblivious to the fact
          that
          
          the person who was calling, didn't
          want to speak to them, ah!
          

                       NOREEN          
          [has been growing increasingly
          slackjawed in amazement] I can't
          believe
          
          that was you..
          

                       ELAINE          
          [looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry,
          Noreen..
          

                       NOREEN          
          [pause] So you thought he was boring?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha
          ha.
          

                       NOREEN          
          [reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]
          
           
          
          
          
          [Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's
          apartment.]
          

                       JERRY          
          What are you doin' to this woman?!
          This is the second relationship
          
          you've ruined for her in a few
          weeks!!
          

                       ELAINE          
          I know--
          

                       JERRY          
          First you ruin her relationship
          with the High Talker.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, Jer--I got confused, they
          sound exactly the same.
          

                       JERRY          
          So she breaks up with him. Somehow
          picks up the pieces of her life.
          Miraculously meets: A New Guy!
          Ya bust that up! An' then, just
          as they're
          
          reconciling, you announce to the
          world: He's Boring.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [apologetically] I didn't know
          she'd take it so seriously.
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, apparently you have a tremendous
          influence over this woman!
          
          Anything you say she does!
          
          [Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over,
          hits the button.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah.
          

                       DONNA          
          It's Donna Chang.
          

                       JERRY          
          [hits button] Come on up.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, I guess I just didn't realize
          it..
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, let's look back on your history
          with this woman. Okay?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Okay..
          

                       JERRY          
          First, you encouraged her to join:
          The Army. .. She did.
          

                       ELAINE          
          She was lost..
          

                       JERRY          
          Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL!
          She did!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, she didn't seem to be havin'
          so much fun..
          

                       JERRY          
          You know.. You better make sure
          you never tell this woman to jump
          off
          
          the Brooklyn Bridge..
          

                       ELAINE          
          If I have this much influence over
          her, why don't I just call her
          an'
          
          tell her to get back together with
          him--that's aalll!
          
          [DONNA CHANG comes in briskly,
          good mood.]
          

                       DONNA          
          Hi.
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..
          
          [At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE:
          Hi! Good to meet you.]
          

                       DONNA          
          [to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza
          called me, they're not getting
          
          divorced.
          

                       JERRY          
          Why? What happened?
          

                       DONNA          
          Well, she was trying to call George
          last night, she got me, we spoke
          for
          
          an hour, she changed her mind!!!
          

                       JERRY          
          Wow! That's amazing!
          

                       DONNA          
          Anyway, she wants to meet me! She
          invited me over for dinner! She
          said
          
          you should come too.
          

                       JERRY          
          Tonight?
          

                       DONNA          
          Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna
          have to cancel my acupuncture class.
          
          [goes to phone]
          
          [Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly
          exchange looks.]
          
           
          
          
          
          [Same day. At the Costanzas', are
          GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE
          
          just entered. ESTELLE's snacking
          watching TV.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          All right. Let me just say one
          thing: there is no way that this
          is goin'
          
          to happen. No Way! Because if you
          think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings,
          
          you're out of your minds!!!
          

                       ESTELLE          
          [calmly] We're not getting divorced.
          

                       FRANK          
          You mother changed her mind.. [tries
          to catch a fly with his hand]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's
          Very good! I'm very glad to hear
          
          that.
          

                       FRANK          
          Yeah. We worked it out.
          

                       GEORGE          
          All right. So let me ask you a
          question. Who was the man in the
          cape?
          

                       FRANK          
          He was my lawyer.
          

                       GEORGE          
          You lawyer wears a cape..?
          

                       FRANK          
          Yeah. So what?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Who wears a cape?
          

                       FRANK          
          He's very independent; doesn't
          follow the trends.
          

                       ESTELLE          
          He looks ridiculous in that thing..
          

                       FRANK          
          You have no eye for fashion!!!
          

                       ESTELLE          
          I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!
          

                       GEORGE          
          All right! Come on!
          
          Let's not fight.
          
          FRANK and ESTELLE
          
          All right! All right!
          

                       ESTELLE          
          Georgie's right.
          

                       GEORGE          
          So what made you change your mind?
          

                       ESTELLE          
          It was that Chinese woman.
          
           
          
          
          
          [In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving,
          DONNA CHANG is with him.]
          

                       JERRY          
          So I'm curious. What'd you tell
          Mrs. Costanza that changed her
          mind?
          

                       DONNA          
          I mentioned a few bits of wisdom
          from Confucius.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] Confucius, huh?
          

                       DONNA          
          Yeah.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] You know, you're not Chinese...
          
          
          
          [The Costanzas again. They open
          the door for JERRY and DONNA.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey! I heard the good news!
          

                       FRANK          
          Jerry: how come you didn't say
          hello to me the other day, huh?!
          

                       JERRY          
          Elaine was.. in a rush.
          

                       FRANK          
          I knew it was Elaine!!
          

                       DONNA          
          You must be Estelle.
          

                       ESTELLE          
          Yes. Who are you..?
          

                       DONNA          
          I'm Donna Chang!
          

                       ESTELLE          
          You're not Chinese!
          
           
          
          
          
          [Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment.
          NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on
          the
          
          couch when the phone rings. KRAMER
          picks it up. Scene cuts back and
          
          forth between ELAINE and them.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Hello?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Paul?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Elaine!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Kramer?
          

                       KRAMER          
          [pause] Yeahh!
          

                       ELAINE          
          What're you doin' there?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Wellll, isn't it obvious?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Uh! Ah, is Noreen there?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yes, she is..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well? Can I talk to her?
          

                       KRAMER          
          What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [tired] Fine--would you just put
          her on?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, I feel it'd be best if you
          just didn't talk to her for a while..
          

                       ELAINE          
          You feel?
          

                       KRAMER          
          That's right!
          
          She an' I have had a very long
          talk. An' I was appalled to learn
          of the
          
          destructive influence you've had
          over her life lo these many years..
          

                       ELAINE          
          What are you insane?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          From now, on, I'll be calling the
          shots around here..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna
          tell her?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well. I've encouraged her to go
          back into the Army..
          
          There she'll get the structure
          an' the discipline she needs right
          now..
          
          And she'll have qualified officers
          telling her what to do..
          

                       ELAINE          
          Uh! Kramer! You have got to let
          me talk to her!
          

                       KRAMER          
          Can't help ya, kid.
          
           
          
          
          
          [Back at the Costanzas'. Still
          daylight.]
          

                       ESTELLE          
          You're not Chinese!?!?
          

                       DONNA          
          [pause] No.
          

                       ESTELLE          
          I thought you were Chinese!!
          

                       DONNA          
          I'm from Long Island.
          

                       ESTELLE          
          Long Island?!?!
          
          I thought I was gettin' advice
          from a Chinese woman!!
          

                       DONNA          
          I'm sorry..?
          

                       ESTELLE          
          Well! Then, that changes everything!
          

                       GEORGE          
          What?!
          

                       ESTELLE          
          She's not Chinese; I was duped!!
          

                       GEORGE          
          So what?! She gave you advice;
          what's the difference if she's
          not Chi
          
          nese?!?!
          

                       ESTELLE          
          I'm not taking advice from some
          girl from Long Island!! [goes into
          

                       KITCHEN]          

                       GEORGE          
          [chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now
          you're getting a divorce because
          
          she's from Long Island?!?!
          

                       FRANK          
          [from the living room, standing,
          shouts after them] You want a
          
          divorce?!!? You got one!!!
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause, to DONNA] You know, you
          might wanna think about changin'
          your
          
          name..
          
           
          
          
          
          [Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking
          down the street.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          So, ever since she started dating
          Kramer, she won't even talk to
          me!
          

                       JERRY          
          Well--Noreen listened to you like
          George's mother listened to the
          
          Chinese.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [pause] You know, everybody listens
          to the Chinese.
          
          I mean, look at the fortune cookie.
          You couldn't get away with that
          in
          
          any other restaurant.
          

                       JERRY          
          [has just bought a newspaper out
          of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading
          
          any rolled-up messages in a knish..
          
          [A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets
          out.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey.
          

                       GEORGE          
          I predicted it! [hits cab roof
          twice, it drives off]
          
          Saw both of them today!
          
          What a disaster!
          
          I'm runnin' all over Queens. First
          I saw my mother. We had lunch
          
          together. Never had, Lunch, with
          my mother before--it's like a date!
          
          Then we drive down to Kew Gardens!
          Tons of traffic! I see my father.
          We
          
          played "Clue"! All day with this!
          
          [KRAMER sticks his head out of
          his (or Jerry's) apartment window,
          shouts
          
          down to them.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer
          name might live on! Noreen's late!
          
          She's laaate!!
          
           
          
          [During credit roll. Night on the
          Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over
          the
          
          edge, the wind blowing up on her
          face. Then a man in a black cape
          edges
          
          over to her cautiously, reaches
          and holds her forearm.]
          

                       NOREEN          
          Who are you?!
          

                       MAN          
          [calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank
          Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her
          get
          
          back off (and out of view of the
          camera).]
          
          
          

                       THE END



The Chinese Woman



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy