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                       THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN



                             Written by

                      Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Jerry's standup piece.

               
                             JERRY
               You can always tell what was the best 
               year of your father's life, because
 
               
               they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it 
               out to the end,
 
               don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's 
               just they
 
               somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like 
               this fashion time
 
               capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a 
               pedestal, with
 
               someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To 
               me the worst thing
 
               is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that 
               little room. What
 
               men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants 
               at the door,
 
               and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would 
               be the best
 
               way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some 
               help?' 'No, just
 
               getting some air.'

               
               (George's parents' house)

               
               Elaine and Jerry in the living room.

               
                             JERRY
               How would you describe the smell in 
               this house?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (sniffing) Dandruff?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               There's some kasha.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap 
               carpeting. It's pot pourri,
 
               really.

               
               George enters from the kitchen (?).

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, let's go, come on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha... you're going?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled 
               that last game, I'm gonna be
 
               late.

               
               Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured 
               objects in his
 
               hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.

               
                             KRAMER
               Egh. These aren't candies.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer. did you use those? These are 
               guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps
 
               and begins examining them for damage)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I'm a guest.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now my parents are gonna know I had 
               people over.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're not allowed to have people over?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't have any parties while they're 
               out of town. (he leaves to return
 
               
               the soaps)

               
                             KRAMER
               What, this is a party?

               
                             ELAINE
               Not any more. Come on, get your ball, 
               we're leaving. Let's go, let's go.
 
               
               
               Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and 
               notices Jerry's
 
               mug on the coffee table.

               
                             GEORGE
               (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right 
               on the new table!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (picks it up) I was having coffee, I 
               put it on the coffee table.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, 
               you left a stain! (he runs to
 
               kitchen)

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoah boy. There's always one at every 
               party, huh?
 
               
               George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (impatient) Come on!

               
                             JERRY
               What's the big rush?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm having people over.

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             ELAINE
               The girls for poker night. You know, 
               Joanne, Renee, Winona...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin 
               guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (interested) Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll put in a good word for you.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks, because I would really like... 
               (distractedly puts coffee cup back
 
               
               on the table)

               
                             GEORGE
               (screaming) Aaahh!!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks 
               it up again)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But Jerry, this is not coming out!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Just put a coffee table book over it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               My parents don't read! They're gonna 
               wonder what a book is doing on the
 
               
               table!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would 
               make a great coffee table book?
 
               A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, 
               you gotta take me to get this thing
 
               
               refinished.

               
                             ELAINE
               Now?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days 
               and my parents are gonna be back. I
 
               
               gotta have it back before them!

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, you promised you'd get me home 
               by seven.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, we'll take the subway.

               
                             JERRY
               There you go. That'll get you home in 
               time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! The subway? From Queens?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to 
               you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I need something to read on the subway.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (handing her a magazine) Here, read 
               this.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (looks at it) TV Guide?

               
               (Subway train)

               
               Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer 
               is expanding
 
               on his book concept.

               
                             KRAMER
               I got history of coffee tables, celebrities 
               and their coffee tables.
 
               It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

               
                             ELAINE
               (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, you're gonna talk to your boss about 
               it, huh?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. 
               First thing in the morning.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (claps hands) Yes indeed.

               
                             TANNOY
               Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) 
               This stop is famous for its
 
               gyros, you want one?

               
                             ELAINE
               How are you gonna get something and 
               get back on the train in time?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, they got a stand right out on 
               the platform. Gyros are cooked, and
 
               
               wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three 
               dollars, no
 
               change. You want one?

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing) No thanks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, but no bites.

               
               Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple 
               of other guys
 
               waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. 
               Elaine continues
 
               to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, 
               anorak inside and
 
               out) proffers a pen.

               
                             RICKY
               Highlighter?

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me?

               
                             RICKY
               To highlight the programmes you plan 
               to watch.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to 
               try and avoid contact) I'm just
 
               trying to read.

               
                             RICKY
               Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen 
               a beautiful lady reading 'the
 
               Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.
 
               
               
               The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do, 
               Kramer tries to
 
               enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving 
               him holding
 
               his gyro into the carriage.

               
                             KRAMER
               (yells) Elaine!

               
               A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's 
               hand and sits
 
               down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.
 
               
               
                             RICKY
               Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch 
               the next train.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He's not my boyfriend.

               
                             RICKY
               He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.
 
               
               
               (Furniture refinishers)

               
               Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee 
               table.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. 
               Plus, I give her a gift in front
 
               of Winona, how does that hurt me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Can't hurt you.

               
                             JERRY
               What about, what about this thing?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The Indian?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. 
               Cute.
 
               
                             GEPETTO
               Well, I can have the table ready for 
               you on Monday.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, but no later, because my parents 
               are coming back.
 
               
                             GEPETTO
               They left you home alone, huh?

               
               (Subway train)

               
               Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over 
               the TV Guide.
 
               Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.

               
                             RICKY
               Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday 
               (he swaps seats and sits beside
 
               Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love 
               Lucy, The Lucy
 
               Show, Here's Lucy.

               
               The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making 
               her escape) Bye-bye.
 
               
                             RICKY
               (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV 
               Guide) You forgot this!
 
               
               Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and 
               sees the address
 
               label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING 
               NY 11353
 
               
               (Furniture refinishers)

               
               Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.
 
               
               
                             GEPETTO
               They don't make these any more. The 
               work is, is all done by hand.
 
               (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, 
               and... (notices)
 
               Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!

               
                             SYLVIA
               Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is 
               that your car out there?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)
 
               
               
                             SYLVIA
               Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from 
               Manhattan.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the 
               corner.
 
               
                             SYLVIA
               Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool 
               guys lived in this neighbourhood.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. 
               Neighbourhood's changing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll take it.

               
                             GEPETTO
               Smart choice.

               
                             SYLVIA
               Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you 
               guys have great taste.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see 
               objects of great beauty and, uh, we
 
               
               must have them.

               
               (Elaine's apartment)

               
               Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.

               
                             ELAINE
               Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces
 
               
               
                             THE GIRLS
               Oh/Aah. (and similar comments)

               
                             ELAINE
               (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!

               
               There's a knock at the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who is it?

               
                             JERRY
               It's Jerry.

               
               Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside 
               a large
 
               object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Surprise! (he carries in the object)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What is this?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, 
               so I got you something.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys 
               all know Jerry?
 
               
                             THE GIRLS
               Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)

               
                             JERRY
               Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.
 
               
               
                             GIRL
               Elaine, is it your birthday?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't need a reason to give gifts, 
               it's my nature. I love to make
 
               people happy.

               
                             THE GIRLS
               Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur 
               of approval)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you ready?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!
 
               
               
               There is a deathly hush.

               
                             JERRY
               It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) 
               Read the card.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (examines card) (embarrassed) That's 
               very nice. Thank you very much.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Read it out loud.

               
                             ELAINE
               I, I don't think so.

               
                             JERRY
               (takes the card from Elaine) We had 
               a little fight this afternoon.
 
               (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace 
               pipe.
 
               
                             WINONA
               (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, 
               it's late. I really should go.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, 
               uh...
 
               
               Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical 
               movie
 
               Indian chant.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.

               
               Winona leaves, looking offended.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you out of your mind?!

               
                             JERRY
               ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Winona is a Native American.

               
                             JERRY
               She is?

               
               (George's parents' house)

               
               Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony 
               singing can be
 
               heard in the background.

               
                             SYLVIA
               You got very unusual taste.

               
                             GEORGE
               (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice 
               is alright. It's the only thing
 
               I had that was chilled.

               
                             SYLVIA
               Fine.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor 
               cabinet. The combination musta
 
               just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.

               
                             SYLVIA
               (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your 
               son in the bubble bath?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (bashful) No, that's me.

               
                             SYLVIA
               Oh. You don't see many guys your age 
               who keep baby pictures of
 
               themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest 
               of the house.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've 
               tried to maintain a consistent
 
               feel throughout the house.

               
                             SYLVIA
               What is this we're listening to?

               
                             GEORGE
               The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)
 
               
               
                             SYLVIA
               Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I 
               show you the master bedroom? (they
 
               
               leave together)

               
               Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.
 
               
               
                             WINONA
               Who is it?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

               
                             WINONA
               (unimpressed) Yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about 
               what happened, and I, I, I'd really
 
               
               like to apologise. Can I come up?

               
                             WINONA
               I'll come down.

               
               (Elaine's apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               I came by to get my ball.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's right over there.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, 
               it's got the magic grip. How d'you
 
               
               think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! 
               Where did this come
 
               from?

               
                             ELAINE
               You want it?

               
                             KRAMER
               (unbelieving) I can have this?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. I'll lug.

               
               (Street outside Winona's)

               
                             WINONA
               It's just that it's a very sensitive 
               issue for me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And well it should be. I think if you 
               spent any time with me at all,
 
               you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't 
               be hungry by
 
               any chance, wouldya?

               
                             WINONA
               (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went 
               to a great Szechwan restaurant in
 
               
               this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he 
               spots a mailman
 
               crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the 
               Chinese
 
               restaurant is around here.

               
               The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes 
               offence.
 
               
                             MAILMAN
               Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? 
               You think I know where all the
 
               Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, 
               ask honolable
 
               Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant.

               
                             JERRY
               I asked because you were the mailman, 
               you would know the neighbourhood.
 
               
               
                             MAILMAN
               Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to 
               hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms
 
               away)

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know that...

               
                             WINONA
               You know, it's late. I should probably 
               just go home.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I, I had no idea.

               
               A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the 
               top of the Indian.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door 
               with his palm) Look what I got!
 
               (begins doing war-whoops)

               
               Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find 
               nothing to say.
 
               Winona storms back into her building.

               
               (George's parent's house)

               
               George and Jerry are returning the table.

               
                             GEORGE
               Looks pretty good.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, did a good job.

               
               They put the various ornaments back on the table.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I don't think they'll be able 
               to tell.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, I don't get it. Not allowed 
               to ask a Chinese person where the
 
               
               Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little 
               too sensitive? I
 
               mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the 
               handle.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status 
               with, uh...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked 
               to her today. In fact I'm gonna see
 
               
               her tonight.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, great.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. 
               I'm afraid of making another
 
               mistake.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aw c'mon.

               
               The front door opens and George's parents enter.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Hello, hello!

               
                             GEORGE
               (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. 
               Hi.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, the house looks very nice.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, huh.

               
                             FRANK
               Where's the mail?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Hello Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, how was the trip?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Ah, your father...

               
                             FRANK
               Is there anything wrong with getting 
               a receipt at a toll booth?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for 
               the bedroom)
 
               
                             FRANK
               (examining mail) This stack should be 
               bigger, where's the TV Guide?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What TV Guide?

               
                             FRANK
               I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, 
               number thirty-one.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Elaine took it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't know she took it!

               
                             JERRY
               Wa, it's two weeks old.

               
                             FRANK
               (shouting) How could you let her take 
               the TV Guide?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) He collects them.

               
                             JERRY
               You collect TV Guide?

               
                             FRANK
               The nerve of that woman. Walking into 
               my house, stealing my collectible!
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding 
               a small packet) This was in
 
               our bed.

               
                             FRANK
               (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly 
               to George) A prophylactic
 
               wrapper?!

               
                             ESTELLE
               What is this doing on my bed?!

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, uh...

               
                             JERRY
               I'll see you later. (he leaves with 
               unseemly haste)
 
               
                             FRANK
               You were having sex on our bed?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Who told you you could have sex in our 
               bed?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Your bed is too small? I'm gone two 
               weeks and you turn our house into,
 
               
               into Bourbon Street!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Where am I going to sleep?

               
                             GEORGE
               What're you talking about?

               
                             ESTELLE
               I can't sleep in there!

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course you can.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I can't! (screams) I can't!

               
                             FRANK
               That's it! You're grounded!

               
                             GEORGE
               (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm 
               a grown man.
 
               
                             FRANK
               You wanna live here? You respect the 
               rules of our house. (yells) You're
 
               
               grounded!

               
               (Winona's apartment)

               
               Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.

               
                             WINONA
               So, where are we gonna go eat?

               
                             JERRY
               I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
 
               
               
                             WINONA
               Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually 
               so crowded. Can we get a table?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches 
               himself)
 
               
                             WINONA
               You made what?

               
                             JERRY
               I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate 
               accommodation. And then, Knick
 
               tickets, floor seats.

               
                             WINONA
               How did you get these?

               
                             JERRY
               Got 'em on the street, from a scal... 
               (catches himself again) A uh, one
 
               
               of those guys.

               
                             WINONA
               What guys?

               
                             JERRY
               You know, the guys, that uh, they sell 
               the tickets for the sold-out
 
               events.

               
                             WINONA
               Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan 
               TV Guide.
 
               
                             WINONA
               That's Al Roker.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. 
               I get Dom Deluise and Paul
 
               Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?

               
                             WINONA
               Sure, take it.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks.

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               Jerry enters with the TV Guide.

               
                             JERRY
               So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you 
               I'd make it up to you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, 
               huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He collects (holds up magazine) these?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow! Alright, well I will personally 
               go out to Queens and deliver his Al
 
               
               Roker TV Guide to him.

               
                             JERRY
               What'ya do with the one you took?

               
                             ELAINE
               I dunno.

               
               (Ricky's apartment (?))

               
               Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy 
               teenager. He's
 
               cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming 
               the theme to
 
               I Love Lucy to himself as he does so.

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               Kramer enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What did who say?

               
                             KRAMER
               Your boss. Didn't you tell him about 
               the coffee table book?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhmm...

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would 
               be (raising her voice as Kramer
 
               speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...

               
                             KRAMER
               (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the 
               cover I'm...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I thought it was a pretty good idea. 
               It's about coffee tables, it's on a
 
               
               coffee table.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, right, right, and on the cover 
               is a built-in coaster. (clicks
 
               tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.

               
                             JERRY
               Where you going?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. 
               I'm gonna see if I can sell that
 
               Indian.

               
                             JERRY
               My Indian?

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, I think it's worth something. 
               It's kitschy. (tongue click)
 
               
               He leaves.

               
               (George's parents' house)

               
               George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered 
               by the TV Guide
 
               incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               How do you just walk into a house and 
               take a TV Guide? How does she
 
               expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to 
               turn it on and
 
               wander aimlessly around the dial?

               
               Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, 
               holding what
 
               looks like a bouquet of flowers.

               
                             RICKY
               Hello. Is Elaine home?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (shouting) And she's not welcome in 
               this house!
 
               
                             RICKY
               (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this 
               very special gift. 'Kay, it's a
 
               bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.

               
                             FRANK
               (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped 
               to shreds! She gave that to you?!
 
               
               
                             RICKY
               (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight 
               Zone you're watching?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             RICKY
               Oh, this is a good one.

               
               (Subway train)

               
               Elaine riding the subway to Queens.

               
                             TANNOY
               Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

               
               A thought occurs to Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm, gyro.

               
               She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next 
               to her at the
 
               exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes 
               out first.
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona 
               looks around.
 
               
                             WINONA
               I like your place. It's very unassuming.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, why would I assume. I never assume. 
               Leads to assumptions.
 
               
                             WINONA
               (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide 
               I gave you, I need it back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             WINONA
               Well, I'm doing a report on minorities 
               in the media, and I wanted to use
 
               
               that interview with Al Roker.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, 
               and she's already on her way to
 
               give it to George's father.

               
                             WINONA
               Jerry, I really need it back. It, it 
               is mine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can't give something and then take 
               it back. I mean, what are you...
 
               (catches himself)

               
                             WINONA
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               A uh, a person that uh...

               
                             WINONA
               A person that what?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, a person that gives something 
               and then they're dissatisfied and
 
               
               they wish they had, had never uh...

               
                             WINONA
               And?

               
                             JERRY
               ...give, given it to the person that 
               they originally gave it to.
 
               
                             WINONA
               You mean like, an Indian giver?!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that 
               term.
 
               
               (Subway train)

               
               Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices 
               from her sandwich
 
               are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag.

               
               (George's parents' house)

               
               Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. 
               The coffee table
 
               is covered in boxes of the magazine.

               
                             RICKY
               I like the special fall preview issues 
               the best.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Those. I've been saving those from the 
               beginning.
 
               
               The doorbell rings.

               
                             RICKY
               These are worth like, a lot of money.
 
               
               
               Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, hello Elaine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello. (she enters)

               
                             RICKY
               (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! 
               You look scrumptious.
 
               
               Elaine looks nervous and surprised.

               
                             FRANK
               Why'd you take my TV Guide?

               
                             ELAINE
               (placatory) I'm so sorry about that 
               Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I
 
               brought you another one. (hands it over)

               
                             RICKY
               I made this for you.

               
                             ELAINE
               (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (examining magazine) What is this? You 
               got stains all over it! What the
 
               hell'd you do?

               
                             RICKY
               Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I 
               want!
 
               
                             RICKY
               Come on Elaine, let's go.

               
               As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table 
               with his leg. It
 
               tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls 
               over with a crash.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               My coffee table!

               
               (Gus' Smoke Shop)

               
               Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying 
               to do a job of
 
               salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed. 
               In the
 
               background, Mr Lippman is browsing.

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't understand. How can you have 
               a cigar store, without an Indian?
 
               
               It's unseemly.

               
                             SPIKE
               I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Forget it.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this 
               Indian?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, yeah.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office 
               in a south-western motif and
 
               this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Giddyup.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah? Could you help me bring it up 
               to my office, I'm right next door.
 
               
               Pendant Publishing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.
 
               
               
               (Lippman's office)

               
               Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. 
               Elaine enters.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens 
               uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing in here with that?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, well, it's a business transaction.
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               (entering, smoking a cigar and with 
               a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty
 
               
               cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, 
               count it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts 
               in in his pocket) You know I was
 
               just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               You like that, huh? I had that custom 
               made for me in Santa Fe.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You mind if I use it in my book?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               What book?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm doing a coffee table book 
               on coffee tables.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               About coffee tables?

               
               Elaine is pulling skeptical faces.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh huh.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) 
               Who's your publisher?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm still shopping it around.
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the 
               kind of idea you should be
 
               coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that 
               I...
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really 
               completes the room. Don't you
 
               think?

               
               Elaine looks sick.

               
               (Furniture refinishers)

               
               Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia.

               
                             SYLVIA
               I know this coffee table, it's George 
               Costanza's.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               It's mine. I'm his mother.

               
                             SYLVIA
               Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. 
               He must be working very hard.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's 
               why he lives at home with us.
 
               
                             SYLVIA
               He does?

               
               (Subway train)

               
               Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks 
               unhappy. Jerry
 
               has a copy of the TV Guide.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know why we didn't think of 
               this before. We just could call TV
 
               
               Guide.

               
                             ELAINE
               I dunno.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very 
               happy. (he hands the magazine to
 
               Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               I guess.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             ELAINE
               What d'you think is the matter? I've 
               been assigned to work on Kramer's
 
               
               coffee table book.

               
                             JERRY
               It is a good idea, Elaine.

               
                             TANNOY
               Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

               
                             JERRY
               You want a gyro?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't think so.

               
               Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past 
               other commuters.
 
               
                             
               moments later)

               
               Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage 
               just as the
 
               doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine!

               
               A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's 
               hand, just as
 
               Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing 
               to eat.
 
               
                             AL ROKER
               Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to 
               catch the next train.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He's not my boyfriend.

               
                             AL ROKER
               He's not? Interesting. (gives a big 
               grin)
 
               
               Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide 
               and finds the
 
               guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. 
               She looks up
 
               at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the 
               picture on the
 
               cover.

               
               (Nightclub)

               
               More Jerry standup.

               
                             JERRY
               I was always excited as a kid, when 
               that new TV Guide would come. Somehow
 
               
               when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good 
               fresh TV shows
 
               in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. 
               All the shows
 
               stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being 
               sat on, thrown
 
               across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to 
               another person.
 
               It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' 
               (mimes
 
               throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, 
               they have a phone
 
               number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers 
               to the TV
 
               Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV 
               Guide crossword
 
               puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?

               
               
               
                                  THE END



The Cigar Store Indian



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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