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ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE COMEBACK



                             Written by

                      Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)

               
               A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. 
               There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with 
               a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a 
               platter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with 
               them, about as fast as he can manage.

               
                             BILL
               Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, 
               I don't wanna be the one to tell him no.

               
                             REILLY
               No-one in the park is gonna be able 
               to see it from there.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, 
               why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?

               
                             REILLY
               Hey George, the ocean called. They're 
               running outta shrimp.
 
               
               Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's 
               joke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful 
               of seafood.

               
               
               (George's Car)

               
               George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.

               
                             GEORGE
               (angry, to himself) The ocean called. 
               Running outta shrimp. Outta  shrimp! (a thought occurs)
               Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! 
               (frustrated shout) Dammit!

               
               
               (New York Health & Racquet Club)

               
               George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags 
               and paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.

               
                             JERRY
               'The ocean called, They're running outta 
               shrimp'?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to 
               him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk
 
               store called, and they're running outta you.'

               
               Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. 
               Jerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed 
               tennis racquet.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (smiling) Really? That's great. You 
               said that to him?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (confessing) Well, actually, I thought 
               it up on the way over here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. That's not quite the same.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. No it's not. You don't know this 
               guy. It woulda been so sweet.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm gonna grab a can of balls.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right.

               
               George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, 
               carrying
 
               his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, 
               tracksuit
 
               wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.
 
               
               
                             MILOS
               Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I need a can of balls.

               
               Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. 
               Milos
 
               reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.
 
               
               
                             MILOS
               Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...
 
               
               
               Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.

               
                             MILOS
               ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these 
               balls with that racquet, do you?
 
               
               Jerry looks surprised.

               
               
               (Champagne Video)

               
               Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before 
               a rack marked
 
               'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', 
               and
 
               'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video 
               box, when
 
               Kramer comes up behind her.

               
                             KRAMER
               Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. 
               (indicating shelf) This Vincent
 
               guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I 
               stick to the Gene rack.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all 
               these, so I went with a Kramer
 
               pick.

               
               Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.

               
                             ELAINE
               (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. 
               Huh, I never heard of that
 
               one.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, went straight to video.

               
               Elaine looks upon this as a negative.

               
                             KRAMER
               (positive) That makes me the premiere.
 
               
               
               Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter.

               
                             ELAINE
               (gets Kramer's point) Hah.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece 
               of paper.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, have you ever seen the movie 
               The Other Side Of Darkness?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. (img src="http://tinyurl.com/2rau")
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, 
               I couldn't finish watching
 
               it, so I want you to read this.

               
               Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just 
               seen the movie The Other Side
 
               Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in 
               the movie,
 
               hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding 
               machine,
 
               lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'

               
                             KRAMER
               Can you do that for me, buddy?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't if what you have here 
               constitutes a legally binding
 
               document.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm gonna type it up.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, well, of course, but, even so, 
               you may wanna talk to a lawyer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining 
               order on me.
 
               (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. 
               I
 
               couldn't even give him his Christmas present.

               
               Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't 
               gonna get it, but this guy
 
               Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.

               
               Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.

               
                             JERRY
               In fact, it's the only racquet he plays 
               with.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, 
               you're not gonna need this any
 
               more.

               
               Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry 
               notices
 
               something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.

               
                             JERRY
               (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page 
               of my address book.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your 
               zees on the weights and measures
 
               page.

               
               Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound 
               effects.
 
               
               
               (Elaine's Apartment)

               
               Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a 
               tear from her
 
               eye, and sniffs.

               
                             ELAINE
               (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. 
               Bravo. (sniffs)
 
               
               The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy 
               at being
 
               interrupted.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             VINCENT
               Did you enjoy the movie?

               
                             ELAINE
               Who is it?

               
                             VINCENT
               It's Vincent.

               
                             ELAINE
               Of Vincent's picks?

               
                             VINCENT
               The same.

               
               Elaine smiles excitedly.

               
               
               (Tennis Club)

               
               Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club 
               from the one we
 
               saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, 
               behind them,
 
               a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful 
               tennis. He's
 
               missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He called you?

               
                             ELAINE
               He musta got my number off the computer. 
               We ended up talking for,
 
               like, two hours.

               
                             JERRY
               To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) 
               Your screening process is
 
               getting ever more rigorous.

               
               Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Trying to meet him. He's never at the 
               video store. They said he sets
 
               his own hours.

               
               A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible 
               player from
 
               the other court shouts over.

               
                             PLAYER
               Little help, hey!

               
                             ELAINE
               (tossing the ball back) Yeah.

               
                             PLAYER
               Thank you.

               
               The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses 
               his racquet and
 
               bounces away past him.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's 
               terrible.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.

               
               The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy 
               balls in the
 
               background.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, how come we played at this crummy 
               place instead of your club?
 
               
                             JERRY
               George used up all my guest passes already.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah.

               
                             PLAYER
               Ahh.

               
               A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on.

               
                             PLAYER
               Thank you.

               
               The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, 
               he
 
               removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (tossing the ball) Here you go.

               
               The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see 
               his face. It's
 
               Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.

               
                             JERRY
               (disbelief) Milos?

               
                             MILOS
               (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back 
               on) How you doing?
 
               
               Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner 
               as he walks away
 
               from Jerry.

               
                             MILOS
               Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.
 
               
               
               Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over 
               the net. He
 
               fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry 
               looks down at
 
               his new racquet, thoughtfully.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and 
               are putting
 
               their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.

               
                             ELAINE
               So he was bad. What d'you care?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for 
               this racquet, because he said
 
               it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well 
               with a log.
 
               
               The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit 
               and tie.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer 
               guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna
 
               set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.

               
                             ELAINE
               The executor? Of what?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer wants to die with dignity.

               
                             ELAINE
               There's a feather in your cap.

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. 
               I just want out. (snaps
 
               fingers)

               
               The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon 
               you, my friends.
 
               
                             JERRY
               D'you get someone to take that Canadian 
               quarter?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I got another meeting with Reilly. A 
               whole new audience, and I bet I
 
               can get him to try that line again.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who's Reilly?

               
                             JERRY
               George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, 
               and this guy says 'Hey,
 
               George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'

               
               Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile 
               and laugh.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh 
               yeah? Well the jerk store
 
               called. They're running outta you.'

               
               George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare 
               at him, with
 
               varying levels of confusion in their expressions.

               
                             GEORGE
               (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding 
               me?!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your 
               cranium called. It's got some
 
               space to rent.'?

               
               Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.

               
                             GEORGE
               (confused) What does that mean?

               
                             JERRY
               (taps George's chest) Hey, here you 
               go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called.
 
               
               You're due back by six.'

               
                             GEORGE
               (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're 
               not helping me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, just tell him you had sex with 
               his wife. That'll kill him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (shouting) I'm not looking for another 
               line. I got the line.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, George, just think about it. You 
               know, you're married, how
 
               would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (really animated) Alright, alright. 
               You see? This is why I hate
 
               writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, 
               and it
 
               all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm 
               going with jerk
 
               store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!

               
               George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer 
               walks over
 
               and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's 
               old
 
               racquet on a stool.

               
                             KRAMER
               (picking the racquet up) Did you take 
               this out of the garbage?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's still got some spring in 
               the strings.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. 
               (drops racquet in the trash) How
 
               are you gonna be the executor of my living will?

               
               Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.

               
                             KRAMER
               (indicating) You see? You can't let 
               go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, 
               I will kill you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, 
               do you have some free time
 
               tomorrow afternoon?

               
                             ELAINE
               Me?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, because you're perfect. You're 
               a calculating, cold-hearted
 
               businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't 
               mind
 
               stomping on a few throats.

               
                             ELAINE
               (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.
 
               
               
               
               (Lawyer's Office)

               
               Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach 
               the lawyer,
 
               who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. 
               Kramer looks
 
               nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.
 
               
               
                             SHELLBACH
               Situation number four. You're breathing 
               on your own, you're
 
               conscious, but with no muscular function.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, would I be able to communicate?
 
               
               
                             SHELLBACH
               I don't see how.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ach, I don't like the sound of this 
               one.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're 
               starting a mower.
 
               
                             SHELLBACH
               Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and 
               gall bladder, but no
 
               central nervous system.

               
               Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I gotta have a central nervous 
               system.
 
               
                             SHELLBACH
               Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating 
               through a tube.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Naw, that's not my style.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bore-ing.

               
                             SHELLBACH
               Alright, you can eat. But machines do 
               everything else.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (hesitant) Uhm...

               
               Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'd stick.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos 
               I could still go to the coffee
 
               shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) 
               That's right.
 
               
               
               (New York Health & Racquet Club)

               
               A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the 
               counter to be
 
               met by a nervous and apologetic Milos.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello Milos.

               
                             MILOS
               Jerry, thank god you got my message. 
               Thank you so much for coming down
 
               
               here. Uhm, listen...

               
                             JERRY
               (animated) You know, I spent two hundred 
               dollars on a racquet because
 
               I thought you knew what you were talking about.

               
                             MILOS
               I..I...

               
                             JERRY
               You can't even play.

               
                             MILOS
               Believe me, it is Milos great shame. 
               But Jerry, I could lose my
 
               business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership 
               of the
 
               club? Free. No charge.

               
                             JERRY
               You could do that?

               
                             MILOS
               Jerry, for you, anything.

               
               Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. 
               Jerry
 
               looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman 
               who's
 
               trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking 
               rueful.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (indicating the woman) Game, set and 
               match, huh Milos?
 
               
                             MILOS
               (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. 
               they tell me there is no way
 
               they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? 
               Anything at
 
               all. I refund your money.

               
                             JERRY
               (animated) You know what Milos, I don't 
               even care about the money. I
 
               just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...

               
                             MILOS
               Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to 
               me.
 
               
               Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the 
               beautiful woman,
 
               he speaks.

               
                             JERRY
               Tennis, anyone?

               
               The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos 
               looks after
 
               him, worried.

               
               
               (Champagne Video)

               
               Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. 
               Elaine picks a
 
               video off the 'Vincent' rack.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, this is the one Vincent told me 
               about. The Pain And The Yearning.
 
               
               (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' 
               A hundred
 
               and ninety-two minutes?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's a lotta yearning, huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, these movies are great, but 
               they're just so emotionally
 
               exhausting.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime 
               adolescent high jinx.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor 
               Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls
 
               down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. 
               Now, that's
 
               an hilarious premise.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) 
               Well...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's 
               II box)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I could use a chuckle.

               
               Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward 
               the counter
 
               with the Bernie's tape.

               
                             KRAMER
               (approving) Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               What're you getting?

               
                             KRAMER
               Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The 
               Other Side Of Darkness.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. How much you got left?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, about two hours.

               
               Elaine does a double-take at this.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine's Apartment)

               
               Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! 
               (frustration) Just because
 
               he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) 
               Ugh, how long
 
               is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!

               
               The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             VINCENT
               (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Vincent?

               
                             VINCENT
               (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could 
               you? I thought we had
 
               something special.

               
                             ELAINE
               (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. 
               I'm not even gonna rewind
 
               it.

               
               There is a click as Vincent hangs up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Vincent?

               
               
               (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)

               
               The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. 
               George is
 
               stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple 
               of empty
 
               seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.
 
               
               
                             FRED
               Alright, let's get to it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about 
               Reilly?
 
               
                             FRED
               Reilly doesn't work here any more.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about 
               that.
 
               
                             FRED
               Oh, we only wake you up for the important 
               meetings.
 
               
               Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. 
               Again,
 
               George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful 
               woman
 
               from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.
 
               
               
                             PATTY
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop 
               yesterday?
 
               
                             PATTY
               I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me 
               your address. I hope you don't
 
               mind me waiting for you here.

               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) 
               Well uh, what shall we do,
 
               uhm, care for a cup of coffee?

               
                             PATTY
               Why don't we just go up to your apartment?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (surprised) Alright.

               
               Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.

               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) Gotta be an easier way.
 
               
               
               Jerry turns to follow Patty.

               
               
                             TRANSCRIBED BY
               (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, 
               UK
 
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The 
               soundtrack can
 
               be heard from the TV.

               
                             NURSE
               Doctor, how's her coma?

               
                             DOCTOR
               Oh, exactly the same.

               
               Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on 
               the couch to
 
               watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.

               
                             DOCTOR
               Wait a minute, she's coming out of the 
               coma.
 
               
               Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are 
               you okay?
 
               
                             ALLBRIGHT
               (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested 
               and refreshed. Get
 
               me a toothbrush.

               
               Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome 
               of the movie.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, you play tennis?

               
                             PATTY
               (putting the glass down on the counter) 
               Enough talk, Jerry.
 
               
               Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not for me, I love chatting.

               
                             PATTY
               (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.
 
               
               
               Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's 
               about to kiss,
 
               she breaks away.

               
                             PATTY
               (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. 
               (moving away) I can't go through
 
               with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             PATTY
               (cries) Milos. My husband!

               
                             JERRY
               (shocked) Your husband?!

               
               Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his 
               hands up in
 
               the air, in a gesture of total disbelief.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story 
               straight.
 
               Jerry listens.

               
                             GEORGE
               So concerned was he, that word of his 
               poor tennis skills might leak
 
               out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval 
               sexual payola?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (explanation) He's new around here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (hopeful) So, details?

               
                             JERRY
               (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep 
               with her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Because of society, right?

               
                             JERRY
               (weary) Yes, George, because of society. 
               So how did the big meeting
 
               turn out?

               
               Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the 
               counter.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting 
               up) You believe that?
 
               
               George wanders over into the kitchen.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, you're better off. Now you can just 
               let it go.
 
               
               George looks in the fridge.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.

               
                             JERRY
               You never really had the right comeback, 
               anyway.
 
               
               George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.

               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, 
               woulda smoked that guy! Smoked
 
               him, I say.

               
               George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. 
               The door
 
               opens and Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, 
               I saw the rest of that movie,
 
               The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. 
               (waves his arms in
 
               frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.

               
               George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind 
               him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't know it was possible to come 
               out of a coma.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know it was possible not to 
               know that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts 
               as the husband?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (disappointed) Oww.

               
                             KRAMER
               (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, 
               she's gonna pull my plug.
 
               
               Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.

               
               
               (Champagne Video)

               
               Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing 
               but copies of a
 
               video called Betrayed.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so 
               sorry. I...
 
               
               Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed 
               my mind about the whole coma
 
               thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, do you have any idea what you've 
               done?
 
               
               The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.

               
                             MANAGER
               Excuse me.

                             
               //tinyurl.com/2rau")

               The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces 
               it with
 
               another name.

               
                             ELAINE
               What're you doing?

               
               The manager walks back to behind the counter.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha..wha...?

               
                             MANAGER
               Vincent stopped making picks.

               
                             ELAINE
               (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what 
               movies to see?
 
               
                             MANAGER
               We have a wide variety of Gene picks.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (dismissive) Gene's trash.

               
                             MANAGER
               I'm Gene.

               
               Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his 
               eyebrows.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (forcing a smile) Hi.

               
               
               (New York Health & Racquet Club)

               
               A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention 
               of telling anyone about
 
               your unbelievably bad tennis playing.

               
                             MILOS
               (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, 
               I have much larger
 
               problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I guess that's a risk you run when you 
               dabble in the flesh trade.
 
               
                             MILOS
               Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much 
               like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would
 
               you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only 
               way I can show
 
               her I am still a man.

               
                             JERRY
               (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long 
               as there's no other girls around.
 
               
               I mean, I wanna be a man too.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth.

               
                             JERRY
               So you hurt Vincent's feelings?

               
                             ELAINE
               (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what 
               came in the mail today.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
 
               
               
               Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his 
               palm.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's the play button, off his VCR.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (examining the button) Boy, look how 
               far back it goes. It's like a
 
               tooth.

               
               George enters and strolls over to the booth.

               
                             GEORGE
               (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean 
               phoned' turned up? He's working
 
               for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohio? Mark's Michelle is a dog.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow 
               morning.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, 
               just to zing a guy?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't you understand? It's not about 
               him. To have a line as perfect
 
               as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with 
               myself.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's 
               just a little confusing, is
 
               all.

               
                             GEORGE
               (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, 
               and a smart crowd will
 
               appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for 
               some bonehead
 
               mass audience!

               
               George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over 
               at him, and
 
               has heard his shouts.

               
                             GEORGE
               (waving apologetically) Not you.

               
               
               (Elaine's Apartment)

               
               Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess 
               is it's The
 
               Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.

               
                             OLD WOMAN
               Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be 
               rid of the pain.
 
               
               The phone rings and Elaine picks up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             VINCENT
               Elaine? It's Vincent.

               
                             ELAINE
               (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where 
               are you? I have to meet you.
 
               
                             VINCENT
               No. I can't bear to have anyone see 
               me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the 
               way everyone else does.
 
               You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) 
               Now, let's
 
               have a look at you.

               
                             VINCENT
               (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring 
               me few things from
 
               the store? I haven't been out in a while.

               
               
               (Kramer's Car)

               
               Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic 
               stacked up
 
               behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer 
               is hunched
 
               over the steering wheel, looking nervous.

               
                             KRAMER
               (indicating that cars should pass him) 
               Well, go around, you bunch of
 
               crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.

               
               
               (Lawyer's Office)

               
               Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.
 
               
               
                             SECRETARY
               Hi, can I help you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, 
               I had an appointment to annul
 
               my living will.

               
                             SECRETARY
               Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, 
               you had a ten-thirty
 
               appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. 
               He's gone
 
               for the day.

               
               Kramer looks anxious again.

               
               
               (Tennis Club)

               
               Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are 
               watched by a
 
               small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak 
               underarm
 
               serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting 
               his racquet
 
               vaguely in the direction of the ball.

               
                             JERRY
               Too good.

               
                             MILOS
               (triumphant shout) Another game for 
               Milos!! Hahaha!
 
               
               Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               You're on fire today.

               
                             MILOS
               (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this 
               guy. He's awful!
 
               
               Patty blows Milos a kiss.

               
                             MILOS
               (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. 
               He's not even married like I
 
               am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.

               
                             JERRY
               (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind 
               rolling over here, but could
 
               you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?

               
                             MILOS
               (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The 
               little chicken girl wants me to
 
               ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs 
               evilly)
 
               Hahaha!

               
               Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking 
               rueful.
 
               
               
               (Outside Vincent's Apartment)

               
               Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She 
               reads numbers
 
               off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, 
               flicks her
 
               hair a little, and knocks at the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello? Vincent?

               
               The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, 
               so the
 
               occupant can't be seen.

               
                             VINCENT
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               I got what you asked.

               
                             VINCENT
               Just, leave it and go.

               
                             ELAINE
               W..well, can't I come in?

               
                             VINCENT
               No. Go away. Now.

               
                             TRANSCRIBED BY
               (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, 
               UK
 
               
               
               Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't 
               shut me out. (beseeching) I
 
               just, I know you feel what I feel.

               
               A woman comes up behind Elaine.

               
                             WOMAN
               Excuse me. Can I help you?

               
                             VINCENT
               Aw, dammit!

               
                             ELAINE
               (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to 
               see Vincent.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, 
               what's going on here?
 
               
               The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing 
               there.
 
               Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws 
               his hands
 
               up to cover his face.

               
                             VINCENT
               (shrieks) No, my acne!

               
               Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is 
               open-mouthed
 
               in surprise.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ahh-cnee.

               
                             WOMAN
               (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you 
               have here?
 
               
               Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage 
               through the
 
               contents.

               
                             WOMAN
               (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. 
               (accusing) What kind of a
 
               sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?

               
                             ELAINE
               (sick smile) We have the same taste 
               in movies.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Did he send you part of our VCR?

               
               Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her 
               neck. Threaded
 
               onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
               Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain 
               over her head
 
               and hands it over.

               
                             WOMAN
               (entering the apartment) Vincent!

               
               Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of 
               vodka. She
 
               drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging 
               the bottle
 
               like a club.

               
               
               (Tennis Club)

               
               Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the 
               game, and
 
               Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight 
               into the court
 
               in front of himself.

               
                             MILOS
               (pointing and shouting) Look at the 
               big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to
 
               Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time 
               for you to
 
               be changed. (laughter) Hahah.

               
               Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks 
               angry at this
 
               constant derision.

               
                             JERRY
               (quietly) I told you to cut it out.
 
               
               
               Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits 
               him in the
 
               face.

               
                             MILOS
               (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're 
               you doing? (to his audience)
 
               Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.

               
               Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and 
               looks around for
 
               someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving 
               machine.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (waving) Shellbach.

               
               Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk 
               round the room
 
               to get to him.

               
               Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos 
               stretches
 
               desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. 
               The
 
               racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted 
               by Kramer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Racquet.

               
               The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is 
               operating the
 
               automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious 
               and,
 
               as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point 
               at Kramer.
 
               Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at 
               him. Several
 
               balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps,
 
               
               unconscious, to the floor.

               
               
               (Insert)

               
               Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.

               
               
               (Firestone Boardroom, Akron)

               
               A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone 
               sign on
 
               the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, 
               and George,
 
               who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.

               
                             REILLY
               So, George. You're proposing a snow 
               tyre day at Yankee Stadium?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (through a mouthful) Long as they don't 
               throw 'em on the field.
 
               (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, 
               I brought
 
               enough for everybody.

               
                             MCADAM
               (doubtful) I have to say this, this 
               proposal doesn't make a whole lot
 
               
               of sense.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you never know. (picks up more 
               shrimp) Let's see how many I can
 
               fit in my mouth.

               
               George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them 
               into his mouth.
 
               
                             REILLY
               (leaning forward) You know, George...
 
               
               
               George looks up, expectantly.

               
                             REILLY
               The ocean called. They're running outta 
               shrimp.
 
               
               Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks 
               triumphant. He
 
               swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.

               
                             GEORGE
               (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) 
               Well, the jerk store called.
 
               They're running outta you

               
                             REILLY
               (unperturbed) What's the difference? 
               You're their all-time best
 
               seller!

               
               Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. 
               George looks
 
               angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, 
               then something
 
               occurs to him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
 
               
               
               George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But 
               there is a
 
               deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam 
               stands and
 
               leans over to speak in George's ear.

               
                             MCADAM
               His wife is in a coma.

               
               George looks sick.

               
               
               (Hospital Room)

               
               Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a 
               newspaper.
 
               There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's 
               he doing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's been sleeping a lot. He's still 
               groggy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a 
               movie might cheer him up. I got
 
               him a Gene pick.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to Vincent?

               
                             ELAINE
               (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking 
               around) Uh, outlet?
 
               
               Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah.

               
               Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold 
               of one of
 
               the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt 
               wakes
 
               Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding 
               the plug,
 
               as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed 
               and shrieks
 
               in terror.

               
                             KRAMER
               (screaming) Waahhh!!!

               
               
               (Insert)

               
               A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.

               
               
               (George's Car)

               
               Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.

               
                             GEORGE
               'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the 
               life support machine called
 
               and...

               
               He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look 
               of
 
               enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've 
               said! (frustration)
 
               D'ohh!

               
               George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression 
               comes to his
 
               face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads 
               back towards
 
               the airport.

               
                             GEORGE
               (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) 
               You're meat, Reilly! You just
 
               screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!

               
               
               
                            THE END





The Comeback



Writers :   Gregg Kavet  Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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