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ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE CONTEST



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Monk's Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating 
               lunch)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mm-hm.

               
                             JERRY
               You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Smiling, chewing) Who, me?

               
                             JERRY
               You, anybody - whatever. You're in the 
               little room, you're chained to the floor, 
               you're there for a long time.. do you 
               think they would ever consider doing
 
               
               
               the laundry?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's 
               in the Geneva Convention.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! 
               Take off your socks, your pants, your 
               underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! 
               Take it off, take it off!
 
               
               (Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George 
               slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Georgie.

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Hi.

               
               (George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)

               
                             JERRY
               (To George) What's the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Caught" you? Doing what?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know. (All three give him blank 
               stares) I was alone..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Nods) Uh-huh.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Laughing) She caught you?

               
               (Elaine laughs with Kramer)

               
                             JERRY
               Where?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I 
               stopped by the house to drop the car 
               off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. 
               Nobody was there - they're supposed
 
               
               
               to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying 
               the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing 
               through it..
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Glamour"?

               
               (Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)

               
                             GEORGE
               ..So, one thing lead to another..

               
                             JERRY
               So, what did she do?

               
                             GEORGE
               First she screams, "George, what are 
               you doing?! My God!" And it looked like 
               she was gonna faint - she started clutching 
               the wall, trying to hang onto it.
 
               
               
                             KRMAER
               (Reflecting on the story so far) Man..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't know whether to try and keep 
               her from falling, or zip up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I zipped up!

               
                             ELAINE
               (Wide-eyed) So, she fell?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to 
               be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, 
               I couldn't run over there the way I 
               was!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I guess you couldn't have..

               
                             JERRY
               (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, 
               smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Finishing it off) ..done that.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, she fell, and then she started screaming, 
               "My back! My back!" So, I picked her 
               up and took her to the hospital.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Between chuckles) How is she?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not funny, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm 
               sorry. I'm serious.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Her back went out. She's gotta be there 
               for a couple of days. All she said on 
               the way over in the car was, "Why, George, 
               why?!".. I said, "Because it's
 
               
               there!"

               
               (Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)

               
                             JERRY
               "Glamour"?

               
               (Elaine laughs)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though 
               - I am never doing.. that , again.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What, you mean, in your mother's house, 
               or all together?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Definite) All together.

               
               (The next three lines are said at the exact same time)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, gimme a break..

               
                             JERRY
               (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, like you're gonna stop?

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               C'mon..

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't think I can?

               
                             JERRY
               No chance.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Daring) You think you could?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I know I could hold out longer 
               than you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Care to make it interesting?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure, how much?

               
                             GEORGE
               A hundred dollars.

               
                             JERRY
               (Pointing) You're on.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. 
               Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You'll be out before we get the check.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE AND JERRY
               (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               (Showing difference) It's apples and 
               oranges..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from 
               Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Because you're a woman!

               
                             ELAINE
               So what?

               
                             JERRY
               It's easier for a woman not to do it 
               than a man.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Sarcastic) Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. 
               It's like, uh.. shaving.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my 
               legs.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Making a point) Not everyday.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, look, you want to be in?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               You gotta give us odds. At least two 
               to one - you gotta put up two-hundred 
               dollars.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, a thousand!

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, you're in for one-fifty.

               
                             JERRY
               (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor 
               this thing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, obviously, we all know each other 
               very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) 
               I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable 
               within the confines of the honor system.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the 
               center of the table)
 
               
               (Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in 
               a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out 
               "Yeah!")
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is 
               on the phone with his mother)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a 
               psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you 
               do pay for it! No! Discussion over. 
               Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, 
               of course
 
               
               I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the 
               coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me 
               to see a psychiatrist now. Why?!
 
               
               Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if 
               everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, 
               he snorts)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Waits for the rest of the sentence) 
               ..Yeah?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Defensively) Whatever.

               
               (Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)

               
                             JERRY
               How is she?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I 
               gotta go to the hospital to see her 
               tonight.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Answering to the intercom) Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking 
               the front door)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what are you doing tonight?

               
                             JERRY
               (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) 
               Dating Marla.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, the virgin?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the 
               latest?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I got my troops amassed along 
               the border - I'm just waiting for someone 
               to give me the go-ahead.
 
               
               (Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a 
               naked woman across the street.
 
               
               (George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)

               
                             JERRY
               Where?

               
                             KRAMER
               Second floor from the top. (Pointing) 
               See the window on the left?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (In awe) Wow!

               
                             JERRY
               (Also amazed) Who walks around the house 
               like that?!
 
               
               (All eyes are glued to the woman)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You 
               know, those nudist colony people..
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands 
               up, and walks out Jerry's apartment 
               - leaving Jerry and George with the 
               view, he shuts the door behind him)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, let me ask you a question. In these 
               nudist colonies, do they eat naked in 
               the dining room?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I would imagine it's all naked.

               
                             JERRY
               What about the chamber maids? Are they 
               naked, too?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Still focused on the nudist) They're 
               naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. 
               (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) 
               One big nude-a-rama.
 
               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               (Only turning back for a second) Hey.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who 
               caved?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Over his shoulder) Not me.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Also, over his shoulder) Not me.

               
                             ELAINE
               What're you looking at?

               
                             JERRY
               There's a naked woman across the street.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be 
               the easiest money I've ever made in 
               my life. (Moving on to a new topic) 
               So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an 
               aerobics
 
               
               class. I'm gonna go tonight.

               
                             JERRY
               (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress 
               should've taken it back.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying 
               attention) So then, I got a call this 
               morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen 
               to go on the space shuttle. We're goin'
 
               
               
               to Mars.

               
                             JERRY
               (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Have a good time.

               
               (Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, 
               and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Declaring) I'm out!

               
               (Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's 
               mouth is open in shock. A moment passes)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're out?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) 
               what?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that was fast!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it was that woman across the street. 
               (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, 
               buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks 
               out, shutting the door
 
               
               behind him)

               
               (Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               ..And then there were three.

               
               
               
               (Hospital room)

               
               (Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, 
               is visiting her)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't understand you. I really don't. 
               You have nothing better to do at three 
               o' clock in the afternoon? I go out 
               for a quart of milk, I come home, and 
               find
 
               
               my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!

               
                             GEORGE
               (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing 
               I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked 
               my head open.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ma, people can hear you.

               
                             ESTELLE
               (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't 
               do that for a living. You'd be very 
               successful at it. You could sell out 
               Madison Square Garden. Thousands of
 
               
               
               people could watch you! You could be a big star!

               
                             GEORGE
               (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               I want you to go see a psychiatrist.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Like a kid) Because I don't want to.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               I want you to go see somebody.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I am not going.

               
                             ESTELLE
               It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.
 
               
               
               (George's cousin, Shelly, enters)

               
                             SHELLY
               Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how 
               did this happen?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Snapping) Is that important, really? 
               What is this, a police investigation? 
               The woman's been through enough. She 
               has to relive the experience now?!
 
               
               
               (On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a 
               shapely nurse can be seen entering)
 
               
                             NURSE
               Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your 
               sponge bath.
 
               
               (The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)

               
                             DENISE
               Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell 
               asleep.
 
               
               (The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is 
               visibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through 
               the curtain)
 
               
                             SHELLY
               (Seems not to notice what's going on 
               beyond the divider) So, George, what 
               are you doing now? I hear you got some 
               kinda television, writing - thing?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Slowly backing away, he's not at all 
               committed to the conversation) Yeah.. 
               television.
 
               
               (The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)

               
                             NURSE
               Let me help you out with that. Here, 
               just slip it over your head..
 
               
                             DENISE
               Oh.. thank you.

               
                             SHELLY
               (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We 
               thought you were gonna wind up on the 
               street. (As the bath is going on, George 
               is now completely mesmerized)
 
               
               What is it you're doing, exactly?

               
               (A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking 
               to you!
 
               
               
               
               (New York Health Club)

               
               (Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking 
               with her friend, Joyce)
 
               
                             JOYCE
               So, when was the last time you took 
               a class?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it's been a while.

               
                             JOYCE
               (Overly excited) Are you psyched?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. 
               psyched.
 
               
                             JOYCE
               Well, you're gonna thank me for getting 
               you in here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why is that?

               
                             JOYCE
               (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention 
               off-camera) See the guy with the dark 
               hair and the red shorts?
 
               
               (Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, 
               she turns back to her friend)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce 
               nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!
 
               
               
                             JOYCE
               He's gonna be in your class today.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Still unable to speak right) In my 
               class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my 
               class?!
 
               
                             JOYCE
               I can get you a spot right behind him. 
               He has got a great butt.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's 
               butt.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's car)

               
               (Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. 
               After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)
 
               
                             MARLA
               Let's slow it down a little.

               
                             JERRY
               "Slow it down"?

               
                             MARLA
               Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) 
               You know..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, yeah.. I know.

               
                             MARLA
               You're okay with that, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you 
               think I care about the sex? What kind 
               of person do you think I am? That doesn't 
               mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't
 
               
               
               care about that.

               
                             MARLA
               So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.
 
               
               
                             MARLA
               Alright, then. Good night.

               
                             JERRY
               Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans 
               forward, adding) Not just a good night 
               - a great night. (She shuts the door, 
               he waves)
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's bedroom)

               
               (Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable 
               to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide 
               awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to
 
               
               Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The 
               scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!

               
                             JERRY
               (Out of it) Yeah, good morning.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid 
               sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's not there. She's doin' her wash.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did 
               you make it through the night?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say 
               I did!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, you're still master of your domain.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) 
               Master of my domain. But I will tell 
               you this: I am going over to (Gestures 
               to the nudist) her apartment, and
 
               
               
               I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!

               
                             KRAMER
               Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you 
               just say?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't take it anymore! She's driving 
               me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave 
               the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' 
               the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, 
               I'm in
 
               
               this contest - something's gotta give!

               
                             KRAMER
               Do you hear what you're saying?! Can 
               you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) 
               This is a beautiful woman walking around 
               naked, and you want to tell her to
 
               
               
               stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- 
               I'm not gonna let you do it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get 
               out of my way.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! 
               You can't! This is something that comes 
               about once in a lifetime! When we were 
               boys, looking through our
 
               
               
               noise) throw it away?!

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I'm sorry-

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta 
               my way!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't 
               do it! For my sake! God knows I don't 
               ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come 
               on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm
 
               
               beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!

               
               (A pause as Jerry thinks it over)

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.. (Takes his coat off)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes!

               
                             JERRY
               ..Alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank 
               you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, 
               looking out the window)
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's not there!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I can wait..

               
               
               
               (Monk's Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So the nurse was giving her a sponge 
               bath?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Every night at six-thirty. The nurse 
               was gorgeous.. then I got a look at 
               the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) 
               I was going nuts.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going 
               back to that hospital.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..
 
               
               
               (Jerry nods)

               
                             JERRY
               (Pointing) But are you still master 
               of your domain?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Arms out) I am king of the county. 
               You?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Lord of the manor.

               
               (Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)

               
                             ELAINE
               John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really? Did you talk to him?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, you don't understand - he was working 
               out right in front of me. So, listen, 
               after the class was over, I timed my 
               walk to the door so we'd get there at
 
               
               
               the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world 
               of what he said) "Quite a workout."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."

               
                             JERRY
               (Adding, fake praise) Good one.

               
                             ELAINE
               So then, listen, listen. So then, I 
               showered and I dressed, and I saw him 
               again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly 
               out of breath) So we're walkin' and
 
               
               
               
               And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we 
               get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? 
               But this is John F. Kennedy Junior
 
               
               we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where 
               do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, 
               so I said your building. So he
 
               
               dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all 
               the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold 
               water and presses it up to her
 
               
               forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..

               
                             JERRY
               But the question is, are you still master 
               of your domain?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the 
               castle. (Pops a piece of food into her 
               mouth)
 
               
               
               
               (Estelle's hospital room)

               
               (George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his 
               watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You're back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be 
               back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm 
               going to pay her a visit.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I know, but two days in a row? You didn't 
               have to do this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're my mother! What wouldn't I do 
               for you?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You know what you could do? I haven't 
               eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this 
               hospital food. Maybe you could run down 
               to the deli and get me a
 
               
               sandwich..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles 
               back, nodding) A little later. (George 
               sits back in a nearby chair, looking 
               at the divider in anticipation)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               (Let down) Could you go now, George? 
               I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's 
               the difference?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I don't understand why you can't do 
               this for me!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd 
               like to spend a little time with you.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               But if you wait, they won't let you 
               back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box 
               of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and 
               tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets 
               them aside) I'm sorry you came.
 
               
               (Nurse enters)

               
                             NURSE
               (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your 
               sponge bath.
 
               
               (George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on 
               the divider)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               George.. I'm huuunnnggry!

               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang 
               on..
 
               
               
               
               (New York Health Club)

               
               (Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously 
               looking around for JFK Jr.)
 
               
                             JOYCE
               Hi!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             JOYCE
               Did you get your hair done today?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little 
               bit. (Still looking around, she quickly 
               checks her breath)
 
               
                             JOYCE
               You know who - isn't here. He was in 
               the early class today. (Elaine looses 
               her composure) But I think you made 
               quite an impression on him yesterday.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? 
               Me-me-me? I made an impression? What 
               impression?
 
               
                             JOYCE
               Let me just put this back. (Turns to 
               put a stack of shorts away)
 
               
               (Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her 
               direction)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he 
               say?!
 
               
                             JOYCE
               (Uneasy) He asked about you.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy 
               asked about me?! (Hangs off the side 
               of the counter, both feet in the air) 
               What did he say?
 
               
                             JOYCE
               He wanted to know your situation.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?
 
               
               
                             JOYCE
               I-I told him you were single.

               
                             ELAINE
               That was good. That was very good.
 
               
               
                             JOYCE
               He said you were just his type.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? 
               Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' 
               to injure me, right? You're trying to 
               hurt me.
 
               
                             JOYCE
               He also told me to tell you that he'll 
               be in your neighborhood tomorrow around 
               nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in 
               front of your building if you want to
 
               
               
               come down and say hello.

               
               (Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, 
               watching TV)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. 
               Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny 
               Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I 
               like kid shows. They have a very innocent,
 
               
               
               wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. 
               (Hangs up)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Obviously watching the nudist across 
               the street) Oh, that's good. That's 
               good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's 
               hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at
 
               
               
               Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little 
               bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's 
               good.. yes, yes, yes..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts 
               to sing along with the TV) The wheels 
               on the bus go round and round, round 
               and round, round and round. The
 
               
               wheels on the bus..

               
               (Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               The woman across the street has nothing 
               on, nothing on, nothing on..
 
               
               (Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, 
               trying to over ride the other)
 
               
               
               
               (George's room)

               
               (George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to 
               Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. 
               Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light.
 
               
               The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next 
               scene, she's sound asleep too)
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the 
               lack of sex)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All you got is instant coffee? Why don't 
               you get some real coffee?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't keep real coffee in here, I 
               get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom 
               buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Through intercom) It's Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door 
               for Elaine)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where did you get those socks?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think those are my socks!

               
                             JERRY
               How are these your socks?!

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, but those are my socks! 
               I had a pair just like that with the 
               blue stripe, and now I don't have them 
               anymore!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, 
               well, you fell asleep one day on the 
               sofa and I took them off your stinkin' 
               feet. They looked so good to me, I just 
               had to
 
               
               have them!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well, they're my socks!

               
                             JERRY
               They're my socks!

               
               (A brief moment passes as they look at each other)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh boy..

               
                             JERRY
               What are we doing here..

               
                             GEORGE
               ..Oh boy.

               
                             JERRY
               This is ridiculous.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you believe this? We're fighting. 
               We're fighting.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I haven't been myself lately. I've been 
               snapping at everybody.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me too. I've been yelling at strangers 
               on the street.
 
               
               (Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of 
               her purse, and starts to count it up)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Shocked) You caved?!

               
                             JERRY
               It's over?

               
                             GEORGE
               You're out?

               
                             JERRY
               Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.

               
               (Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)

               
                             GEORGE
               I figured you'd cruise. At least through 
               the Spring.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               It was..uh.. John-John.

               
                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               Ohhhhh.. John-John.

               
                             JERRY
               But you made it through the day before.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, 
               the aerobics teacher, that he wants 
               to meet me outside here at nine o' clock 
               tonight.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why outside here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because he think I live here. Remember 
               when we shared a cab, and he dropped 
               me off out in front? He's picking me 
               up.
 
               
               (George picks up the money, counting it)

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, Costanza - it's just you and 
               me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And then, (Smacks the money) there were 
               two.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)

               
                             MARLA
               Let's go in the bedroom.

               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             MARLA
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               You sure?

               
                             MARLA
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               You really want to?

               
                             MARLA
               I do. I'm ready.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay..

               
                             MARLA
               I know how difficult this must have 
               been for you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Chuckles) You don't know the half of 
               it.
 
               
               (They both laugh slightly)

               
                             MARLA
               What do you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's kinda silly, but..

               
               (Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She 
               checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, 
               obviously upset, is putting her coat
 
               
               on)

               
                             MARLA
               Contest?! A contest! This is what you 
               do with your friends?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually 
               started with George and his mother-
 
               
               
                             MARLA
               I don't want to hear another word. And 
               to think how close I came to you being 
               the one! I must have been out of my 
               mind.
 
               
               (She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs 
               his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in 
               his chair, staring at the woman)
 
               
               (Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying 
               to hail a taxi)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-
 
               
               
                             MARLA
               I don't want to have anything to do 
               with you or your perverted friends. 
               (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, 
               get away from me! You're horrible.
 
               
               
               Horrible! All of you!

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               I told her about the contest.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.

               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I thought you were meeting Kennedy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Let down) He didn't show.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, he did.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my 
               God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no. He just left.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, he was talking to Marla.

               
                             JERRY
               Marla?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, 
               crying, and he was consoling her, and 
               then, she, uh, just got into his car, 
               and they just drove away.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               They drove away?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 
               'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my 
               God in heaven!
 
               
               (All three crowd around the window)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer?!

               
               (A brief pause)

               
                             ELAINE
               He's waving..

               
               (All three wave back)

               
               
               
               (Elaine's bedroom)

               
               (Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They 
               too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist 
               - both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's
 
               
               bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)

               
                             MARLA
               Ohh, John. That was wonderful..

               
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Contest



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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