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                           THE CONVERSION



                             Written by

                          Bruce Kirschbaum




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               You know doctor is supposed to be such 
               a prestigious occupation. But
 
               
               it's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have 
               your diploma
 
               
               right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't 
               it? "I
 
               
               really am a doctor you know. You think I'm not, just check it 
               out." I don't
 
               
               know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage 
               over us all the
 
               
               time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, 
               and I'll
 
               
               give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants 
               on seems
 
               
               like they know what they're talking about. In any difference 
               of opinion,
 
               
               pants always beats no-pants.

               
               (Commercial)

               
               At a restaurant.

               
                             GEORGE
               Can I say one word to you? Lobster. 
               The lobster here is
 
               
               unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               Twenty five dollars.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, well, you know, I'm not thinking 
               about the price. You know
 
               
               you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get 
               the lobster. I
 
               
               beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               George, George, uh, I think we have 
               to talk. I think we
 
               
               have a problem.

               
                             GEORGE
               We do?

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               We can't keep seeing each other.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               (crying) Because it's over. *sob, sob, 
               sob* It's my
 
               
               parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you 
               ever forgive me?
 
               
               *sob*

               
                             WAITER
               Uh, have you decided yet?

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               (crying) Yes. I'll have the lobster.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Um, you know I'm starting to think that 
               maybe lobster isn't the way
 
               
               to go.

               
               The hallway outside Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Then he asked you out?

               
                             ELAINE
               We started to talk, and I told him that 
               I jog, and then he put his
 
               
               hand on my heart.

               
                             JERRY
               On your heart?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, the man is a doctor.

               
                             JERRY
               Doctor? He's a podiatrist.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's the same thing.

               
                             JERRY
               Anyone can get into podiatry school. 
               *George* got into podiatry
 
               
               school.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hi.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               Are you going to be stopping by later?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I'll be stopping. See you later. 
               (to Elaine) Well we can't all
 
               
               be dating podiatrists.

               
               They enter Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's over.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               How did you get in?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Lobster.

               
                             JERRY
               Looks like a swan.

               
                             GEORGE
               She says we can't go out anymore.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox. Her 
               parents won't let her get
 
               
               involved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox.

               
                             ELAINE
               Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? 
               Too bad.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know. This was the only woman I never 
               lied to. Well that's not
 
               
               entirely true.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm, delicious.

               
                             JERRY
               Mmm, succulent.

               
                             GEORGE
               She knew I didn't have a job, she knew 
               I lived at home. Didn't seem
 
               
               to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why don't you just ask her parents?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't. I met them. They're devout. 
               You know, In the cab on the
 
               
               way over here, I actually thought about converting.

               
                             JERRY
               To Latvian Orthodox?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not? What do I care?

               
                             JERRY
               You know it's not like changing toothpaste.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I think it would be romantic.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating 
               the throne and marrying
 
               
               Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.

               
                             GEORGE
               King Edward. King Edward, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah well King Edward didn't live in 
               Queens with Frank and Estelle
 
               
               Costanza.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what? I could probably do this. 
               What's the difference.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George I was just kidding around.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. I wouldn't even have to tell her. 
               I could surprise her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George I wasn't serious.

               
                             GEORGE
               How hard could it be? You make a little 
               contribution, have a
 
               
               ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going 
               to think about
 
               
               this.

               
               George leaves.

               
                             ELAINE
               I guess this one is my fault.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah.

               
               At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. 
               Have you always
 
               
               been such a good kisser?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh I don't know. Not always. No I uh 
               I had to work at it. When I
 
               
               was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in 
               my room
 
               
               practicing my kissing.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               Well it was worth it. *kiss* I'll be 
               *kiss* right *kiss*
 
               
               back *kiss*. Where are you going?

               
                             JERRY
               To wash my hands. They're sticky from 
               the orange.
 
               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               Meet you back here?

               
                             JERRY
               Right there.

               
               Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.

               
               He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.

               
                             JERRY
               (thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus?
 
               
               
               At Monk's.

               
                             JERRY
               Fungicide. I mean what could she have?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Fungus.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what did you say?

               
                             JERRY
               I said I was coming down with the flu 
               or something and I had to go
 
               
               home.

               
                             ELAINE
               What were you doing opening her medicine 
               cabinet?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't open it. It was open. I just 
               nudged it a little.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You were snooping.

               
                             JERRY
               I was not snooping. I did not break 
               the seal. There was no breaking
 
               
               and entering. I wouldn't do that.

               
                             KRAMER
               I would. I always open medicine cabinets.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I trust people not to do that.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Big mistake.

               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you ask that doctor what it 
               is?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Now he's a doctor? Before he was 
               a podiatrist.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But that's what podiatrists do. They 
               deal in fungus. They're knee-
 
               
               deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.

               
                             ELAINE
               I am not going to ask him about funguses.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Fungi.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Fungi.

               
               In the priest's office.

               
               (boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode... ;) )

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Why do you want to accept the Latvian 
               Orthodox faith?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               *ahem* In this age of uncertainty and 
               confusion, a man begins to ask
 
               
               himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into 
               words something
 
               
               so um... (trying to think of a word)

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Enigmatic?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")
 
               
               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Well whatever it is, basically you like 
               the religion.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST 2
               Is there one aspect of the faith that 
               you find particularly
 
               
               attractive?

               
                             GEORGE
               (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat 
               convey that solemn religious
 
               
               look you want in a faith. Very pious.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well perhaps, not to the extent that 
               you are. But I know the basic
 
               
               plot. Yeah.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Plot?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and 
               the uh lepers, and the
 
               
               commandments and all that.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST 2
               Well it's obvious that you are sincere 
               in your desire.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. 
               So, uh, pffft, am I in?
 
               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               The first step would be to familiarize 
               yourself with these
 
               
               texts (brings out a pile of books).

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah hah. You see Father, I'm I'm incredibly 
               anxious to become a
 
               
               member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? 
               A quick
 
               
               change?

               
               Sister Roberta enters.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Oh I'm sorry. Father, there's a man 
               waiting in the chapel.
 
               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               You may attend to it Sister, oh this 
               is George Costanza. He
 
               
               is interested in joining the church.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Oh are you? That's wonderful. Well good 
               luck to you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nice nun.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She 
               is what we call a
 
               
               novice.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST 2
               She won't be taking her final vows until 
               next Thursday.
 
               
               In the chapel.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               May I help you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, I'm here to pick up my friend 
               George Costanza.
 
               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Well he's in with the Father.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               I'm Sister Roberta.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)

               
               At Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe how easy it is. I'm 
               virtually Orthodox. All I have
 
               
               to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in 
               the club.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's all there is to it.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's all there is to it. By Christmas 
               day I will be Brother
 
               
               Costanza.

               
                             JERRY
               And when is Brother Costanza planning 
               on telling Mother Costanza?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Brother Costanza will be taking the 
               vow of silence.
 
               
               Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh a slinky. Where did you get it?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Sister Roberta gave it to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Why did she give you that?

               
                             KRAMER
               I think she liked me.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean she liked you?

               
                             KRAMER
               *Liked* me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, they like everybody. They're 
               friendly people.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No. I think I picked up on a vibe.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, Jerry I'm telling you I have this 
               power. And I have no control
 
               
               over it.

               
               Kramer leaves.

               
               Jerry's girlfriend appears at the doorway.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hi.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               I just wanted to stop by and see how 
               you were feeling.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (weakly) A little better. *fake cough*
 
               
               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               If you need anything let me know.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay. All right bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Story.

               
                             JERRY
               She's subletting Carol's place for a 
               month.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She likes you.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah but there's a problem. I found 
               a tube of a fungicide in her
 
               
               medicine cabinet.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               So I don't know what she's using it 
               for.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well how do you even know it's hers? 
               Maybe it belonged to Carol.
 
               
               Did you see a name on the tube?

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't even think to look.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well take a look. It might not even 
               belong to her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               People always leave old things in their 
               medicine cabinet.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah I've got this old bottle of cough 
               medicine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I still have brill cream.

               
               At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.

               
               Jerry knocks on the door

               
               *knock, knock, knock*

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi. Can I use your bathroom?

               
               At the doctor's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sure you don't mind?

               
                             DOCTOR
               No of course not. People ask me medical 
               questions all the
 
               
               time.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well the question isn't even for me 
               it's for a friend.
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               Elaine, I'm used to it. I'm a doctor.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well... podiatrist.

               
                             DOCTOR
               Huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               No no, I'm just saying you didn't really 
               go to medical school, you
 
               
               went to podiatry school. Which I'm sure is very grueling in it's 
               own way.
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               I went to podiatry school because I 
               like feet. I chose to work with
 
               
               feet.

               
                             ELAINE
               I like feet too. I'm just saying...

               
                             DOCTOR
               Saying what?

               
               In Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.

               
               She knocks on the bathroom door.

               
               *knock, knock, knock*

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               How are you doing in there?

               
                             JERRY
               Fine all done, just looking for the 
               soap.
 
               
               Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               No soap?

               
                             JERRY
               No I don't see it.

               
               Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry's 
               girlfriend
 
               
               enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle 
               of fungicide in
 
               
               his pocket.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.
 
               
               
               At George's parent's house.

               
               George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.

               
               *knock, knock, knock*

               
                             ESTELLE
               George what are you doing in there?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What? Nothing.

               
                             FRANK
               You've been in there an hour.

               
                             ESTELLE
               You don't feel well?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm fine.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I want to know what you're doing in 
               there.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing.

               
                             FRANK
               George, open the door.

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Georgie.

               
                             GEORGE
               No!

               
               At Kramer's apartment.

               
               Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.

               
               *knock, knock, knock*

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Good evening. I hope I'm not disturbing 
               you, but I found
 
               
               another toy I thought you might like.

               
               (Commercial)

               
               At Jerry's Apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? 
               And I'll need that in the
 
               
               form of a question.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. I can't believe they're 
               making me take this test.
 
               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, did you talk to the doctor?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, the next time you see him 
               show him this. (He presents the
 
               
               bottle of fungicide.)

               
                             ELAINE
               You *took* her medicine.

               
                             JERRY
               Not on purpose. I was hoping there would 
               be a name on the tube. When
 
               
               are you seeing him again?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. We got into this whole 
               thing about how podiatrists
 
               
               aren't real doctors.

               
                             JERRY
               How could you say that?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's you fault. You just got me thinking.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I've got nothing against the foot. I'm 
               pro-foot.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Me too.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you think I should call him and apologize?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. He's a doctor.

               
               Elaine starts to leave.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second.

               
               Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine's purse.

               
                             JERRY
               (to George) What are you doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               What does it look like I'm doing?

               
                             JERRY
               (Reading words George wrote on his hand) 
               "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what
 
               
               you're cheating on your conversion chest?

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you she liked me.

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             KRAMER
               Sister Roberta.

               
                             JERRY
               How do you know?

               
                             KRAMER
               She told me. She said she's never had 
               a man stir up all of these
 
               
               feelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking 
               of
 
               
               leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I'm dangerous Jerry, 
               I'm very very
 
               
               dangerous.

               
               At the priest's office.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               I must say George, I was somewhat surprised 
               at the results of
 
               
               your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive
 
               
               
               performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the 
               Lord.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I'm I'm full of it Father.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST 2
               (muttering something to Father-Priest 
               1) ...(mumble)... Kramer
 
               
               ...(mumble)...

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Yes, yes I see. (To George) I'm sorry 
               something has come up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I understand.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Um, you wanted to see me Father?

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta 
               came to see me
 
               
               yesterday.

               
                             KRAMER
               I know what this is about Father. I 
               didn't do anything. I just
 
               
               spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that, 
               that I have
 
               
               this power.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Yes. Kavorka.

               
               (I wouldn't mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) )

               
                             KRAMER
               Kavorka?

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               It is a Latvian word which means "the 
               lure of the animal".
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't understand.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Women are drawn to you. They would give 
               anything to be
 
               
               possessed by you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Help me Father. Help me.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very 
               carefully. I want you
 
               
               to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces...
 
               
               
               The hallway by Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that stench? I got it. (He follows 
               the smell to Kramer's
 
               
               door) Ah hah.

               
               *knock, knock, knock*

               
               Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around 
               his neck.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I've got the Kavorka Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               The Kavorka? What's that?

               
                             KRAMER
               The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is this thing around your neck?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               The priests they're helping me. I just 
               bathed in vinegar.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know you're funcifying the whole 
               building.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Keep away Jerry. Keep away.

               
               He closes his door.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.
 
               
               
               
               +---------------------+

               
               | CONVERSION CEREMONY |

               
               | FOR |

               
               | GEORGE COSTANZA |

               
                             | 3
               P.M. |

               
               | |

               
               | |

               
               | |

               
               +---------------------+

               
               The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.
 
               
               
               A woman reads the sign.

               
                             WOMAN
               George Costanza? Estelle's son?

               
               At George's parent's house.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing 
               this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               For a woman.

               
                             FRANK
               A woman? What are you out of your mind?
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Why can't you do anything like a normal 
               person?
 
               
                             FRANK
               Wait. Is this the group that goes around 
               mutilating squirrels?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No it's a regular religion.

               
                             FRANK
               I'm calling my lawyer. It might not 
               be too late to get out of this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want to get out of it.

               
                             ESTELLE
               George, you don't know what you're saying. 
               You're under their
 
               
               control.

               
                             FRANK
               What, they brainwashed you?

               
                             GEORGE
               No no.

               
                             FRANK
               You're not performing any rituals in 
               this house.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               And stay away from those squirrels.
 
               
               
               At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               Oh how you doing Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Good. What's the matter?

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               I'm tired. I hardly slept last night 
               with all this
 
               
               scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.

               
                             JERRY
               Bonkers?

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               My cat. He's got this weird sort of 
               skin condition.
 
               
               Some type of fungus, I couldn't find his medicine.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh it's your cat!

               
                             JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Ooh, nothing.

               
               At the church.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Are you ready my son?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes faddah.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               What did you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               I thought you said faddah.

               
                             GEORGE
               I said faddah, I meant Father. Just 
               a little bit nervous.
 
               
               Outside on a sidewalk.

               
               A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.

               
                             KRAMER
               How you doing?

               
                             WOMAN
               Get away from me you creep. (She walks 
               away.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta 
               I've still got time to catch
 
               
               her.

               
               At the church. It is George's conversion ceremony.

               
               Church music plays.

               
               George is dressed in a white church gown.

               
               He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.

               
               Father-priest says some Latvian words.

               
               Kramer is running down the street going to the church.

               
               The church music is still playing.

               
               George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. 
               He makes a
 
               
               hand motion on his gown.

               
               Kramer is still running to the church.

               
               The church music is still playing.

               
                             FATHER-PRIEST
               Congratulations George. Welcome to the 
               faith. Sister Roberta
 
               
               would you please offer the final benediction.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               (hesitates) I can't. (crowd murmurs) 
               I'm sorry. It's a
 
               
               beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something 
               else.
 
               
               Kramer enters the church.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Him.

               
                             CROWD
               Kavorka, Kavorka.

               
               At Elaine's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               *kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. 
               I'm a big fan of the foot.
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               Well it's my fault. I got a little defensive.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable 
               is the pinkie toe.
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               It's my favorite toe.

               
                             ELAINE
               Let's face it, you get a bunion, where 
               are you going? You're not
 
               
               going to the ear guy.

               
                             DOCTOR
               No you're not.

               
               *phone rings*

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll be right back.

               
                             DOCTOR
               Oh uh, where's the bathroom?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's right down here to the left. I 
               will meet you right back here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine it's her cat. Her cat had the 
               fungus. So I need the tube
 
               
               back.

               
               The doctor is in Elaine's bathroom.

               
               He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
 
               
               
               At the church.

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               Something's wrong. I don't feel the 
               same lure.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You don't?

               
                             SISTER ROBERTA
               What have I...? I must return to the church. 
               By the way you
 
               
               really need to take a bath. You stink.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah yeah.

               
               (Commercial)

               
               At Monk's

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               For me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I didn't do it for my mother.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               I'm really flattered. But I just don't 
               feel ready to
 
               
               make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.

               
                             GEORGE
               Latvia?

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               Yes. I'm going to stay with some relatives 
               there for a
 
               
               year. Isn't it great?

               
                             GEORGE
               Enjoy, enjoy.

               
                             GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND
               Oh George, you are so sweet. Don't ever 
               change.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like a doggie bag for this please.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Conversion



Writers :   Bruce Kirschbaum
Genres :   Comedy


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