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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE COUCH



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               The love seat, that's a nice little 
               item, there...I guess some guy
 
               thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why 
               not just shorten the
 
               furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. 
               This is very flattering to
 
               the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it 
               the 'half-conscious deadbeat
 
               with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? 
               I mean, it goes back
 
               so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's 
               over! You're wiped!'
 
               
               
               Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for 
               a new couch.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, she got you to join a book club?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter 
               than you pretty soon.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I think that statement alone reflects 
               your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits 
               on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, I don't like that one.

               
                             JERRY
               So, what's your first book?

               
                             GEORGE
               "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. 
               (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's kinda old, isn't it?

               
                             GEORGE
               They wanted to read a Truman Capote 
               book.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, sure...Truman Capote.

               
                             GEORGE
               He's a great writer.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you ever read anything by him?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. You?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, what about this one? Look at this, 
               this is it! This is what I'm looking 
               for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering 
               Jerry's new couch.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, what's going on?

               
                             JERRY
               New couch, baby!

               
                             ELAINE
               New couch? Why?

               
                             JERRY
               I love this couch. You know what the 
               best part about it is? It doesn't fold 
               out, so no one can sleep over.
 
               
               (Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and 
               they pick up Jerry's old couch.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             CARL
               Hello.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, let me get the door for you. (They 
               carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, 
               be careful!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait till you see it, it's perfect. 
               The guy told me it's one of a kind, 
               they stopped making it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing with your old couch?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nothing, the moving guys are taking 
               it. Why, you want it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I'll take it.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm sure that they can deliver 
               it to your apartment.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Couch is comin.'

               
                             JERRY
               It's here!

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited 
               about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel 
               like I'm getting a new couch.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. So do I.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh! Remember Poppie?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going 
               into business together. Remember that 
               idea I had a few years ago about the 
               pizza place where you make your own 
               pizza?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               What was that again?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's a pizza place where you make your 
               own pie! We give you the dough, the 
               sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap 
               it, you flip it up into the air...you 
               put your toppings on and you slide it 
               into the oven! Sounds good, huh?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella 
               and make mah own pie!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What made you resurrect that old idea?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's 
               when I told him the "old" idea, and 
               his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. 
               You know, he wants to back it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted 
               by the Board of Health?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, 
               New York Magazine just judged his kitchen 
               to be one of the cleanest in the city. 
               They got a duck there, you think you 
               died and went to heaven.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but you gotta order it two days 
               in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm 
               gonna call him, I'm gonna order the 
               duck for you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Kramer, I -

               
               (Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being 
               brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. 
               They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? 
               Whatta ya think, Lainie?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit 
               on it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on 
               it.
 
               
                             CARL
               Sign here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me, I was wondering if would 
               it be possible if you could deliver 
               the old couch to my apartment? It's 
               not very far.
 
               
                             CARL
               Sure.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the 
               truck for me?
 
               
                             CARL
               Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry 
               and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. 
               (Elaine and Carl exit.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Did you offer those guys a drink?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, no. Should I have?

               
                             KRAMER
               What kind of a person are you?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
               
               George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins 
               to read, but gradually his attention 
               is drawn to the TV Guide on the end 
               table. George realizes there's a show 
               on he wants to see by looking at his 
               watch, and doesn't start the book.)
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, he puts the couch down, and just 
               as he's about to leave he says, "Do 
               you date moving men?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah ha...

               
                             ELAINE
               You wanna know what I said?

               
                             JERRY
               I can't wait.

               
                             ELAINE
               "I do now."

               
                             JERRY
               Clever.

               
                             ELAINE
               Is that something?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Is that something?

               
                             JERRY
               You're something. So anyway, when they 
               were in my house before, I didn't offer 
               them anything to drink.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, they're real men, Jerry. They 
               get sweaty.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, anyone sweaty comes into your house 
               has to be offered a drink?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine 
               nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)
 
               
               
                             POPPIE
               Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! 
               (Puts his hand out.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Nice to meet you, Poppie.

               
                             POPPIE
               Let me show you to your table. (Leads 
               Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your 
               duck is cooking as we speak. It is so 
               succulent...so succulent!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, Kramer told us all about your 
               business venture together.
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Your friend and I are going to make 
               a lot of money. Of course, I already 
               have a lot of money. Poppie does very 
               well...very well.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, your mother must be very proud 
               of you.
 
               
                             POPPIE
               My mother...was taken from my house 
               by the Communists in the middle of the 
               night when I was ten years old. She 
               was sent to a slave labor camp, where 
               she labored for twelve years. Finally, 
               they released her and she was on a boat 
               to America to re-unite with us...but 
               she was served some bad fish, and she 
               died...on the high seas.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, what's good tonight?

               
               
               Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, 
               and he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading 
               - not "Breakfast At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked 
               magazine.
 
               
               
               Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, I'm really looking forward to this 
               duck. I've never had food ordered in 
               advance before.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered 
               a pizza from Paccino's.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order 
               pizza from Paccino's.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because, the owner contributes a lot 
               of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion 
               groups.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, you won't eat the pizza?

               
                             ELAINE
               No way.

               
                             JERRY
               Really.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! 
               Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie 
               comes over.)
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it 
               is more succulent than even I had hoped.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Poppie, I was just curious...where do 
               you stand on the abortion issue?
 
               
                             POPPIE
               When my mother was abducted by the Communists, 
               she was with child...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, boy.

               
                             POPPIE
               ...but the Communists, they put an end 
               to that! So, on this issue there is 
               no debate! And no intelligent person 
               can think differently.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well...Poppie. I think differently.
 
               
               
                             POPPIE
               And what gives you the right to do that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The Supreme Court gives me the right 
               to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
 
               
               
                             WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE
               I heard that. Let's go, Henry.

               
                             HENRY
               But we just got here...

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               And I am not coming back!

               
                             POPPIE
               You're not welcome!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it 
               up. (Gets up and leaves.)
 
               
               
               Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you should have seen it. It was 
               quite a scene over there.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry I missed it.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you really missed something. And 
               I have to say...it was pretty much all 
               my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) 
               So, how's the book coming? (George's 
               laughs taper off...) I say, how's the 
               book comin'?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh...pretty good.

               
                             JERRY
               So, what's it about?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Holly Go-Lightly.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, she's quite a character.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Big surprise.

               
                             GEORGE
               I couldn't. You know, if it's not about 
               sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're not very bright, are you?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I'm not. I would like to be, but 
               I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book 
               club meets in a few days.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you rent the movie?

               
                             GEORGE
               'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this 
               is when I like you. Alright, now I'm 
               relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over 
               to the booth.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So...how was the dinner last night?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh...well...

               
                             KRAMER
               Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes 
               back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! 
               I was just asking how dinner went last 
               night.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...well...

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, what did you do to Poppie?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he's in the hospital. And the 
               cook says you put him there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's wrong with him?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit 
               him later. (angrily) It would be nice 
               if you got him something. (Punches the 
               the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We should get him something.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. You're right.

               
               
               Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you know that I have been using the 
               same bottle of shampoo for a year? And 
               I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) 
               So, what do you think of my conversation?
 
               
               
                             CARL
               Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, 
               would have invited you up, but I don't 
               have any furniture.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You don't have any furniture?

               
                             CARL
               No, I hate furniture. I can't look at 
               it. (They laugh again.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I can understand that. Pretty 
               good date, huh?
 
               
                             CARL
               Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and 
               Carl look into each others eyes, then 
               kiss.)
 
               
               
               Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench 
               outside.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly 
               about what happened to you, and they 
               wanted you to have this.
 
               
                             POPPIE
               What's this? A bottle of wine and a 
               five-alarm chili? They're trying to 
               kill Poppie?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why, what...?

               
                             POPPIE
               Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal 
               disorder? If I would have any of this, 
               I would die. Then Poppie's no good to 
               anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on 
               Poppie. How could you be friends with 
               those two?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, we're not very close.

               
                             POPPIE
               They owe me for those ducks. They were 
               flown in from Newfoundland.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?
 
               
               
                             POPPIE
               Oh, very good ducks.

               
               
               Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm in looove!

               
                             JERRY
               Whoa!

               
                             ELAINE
               This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is 
               such an incredible person! He's real, 
               he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, 
               I'm really lucky!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't 
               offer him the drink?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I forgot. And, the best part is, 
               he doesn't play games. You know? There 
               are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No games? What is the point of dating 
               without games? How do you know if you're 
               winning or losing?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, all I know is, he doesn't like 
               games and he doesn't play games, you 
               know? He has too much character and 
               integrity.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What is his stand...on abortion?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

               
                             JERRY
               How do you know?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you should probably ask, because 
               if he's gonna be coming over with those 
               Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
 
               
               
               
               George at a video store counter.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               Uh, this is out. Someone has it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Out? Oh no, I've been to four other 
               places, you're the only ones that have 
               had it.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Well, I could put it on reserve for 
               you, if you'd like.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe we could call them and ask them 
               to return it.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Oh, sorry. We can't do that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, maybe they're done with it. I 
               could go pick it up.
 
               
                             CLERK
               I don't think so. It doesn't work that 
               way.
 
               
               (The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. 
               George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good 
               look at the information on his computer monitor.)
 
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast 
               At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.
 
               
               
                             VOICE ON INTERCOM
               Yes?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
 
               
               
                             INTERCOM
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my 
               name is George Costanza...did you happen 
               to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
 
               
               
               Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what's happenin.'

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, Poppie's over at my 
               place. Tonight's the big night. I'm 
               gonna make the first test pizza at the 
               restaurant.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' 
               going on over there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he 
               wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. Hi, Poppie.

               
                             POPPIE
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know 
               about your condition.
 
               
                             POPPIE
               That's fine. If you just give me my 
               duck money, I'll be on my way.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're 
               still recuperating. (Poppie moves to 
               the sofa and sits down, and exhales 
               a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you 
               tired, Poppie?
 
               
                             POPPIE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Poppie...you really think people 
               wanna make their own pizza?
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Kramer, did I ever tell you about my 
               mother? My mother -
 
               
                             JERRY
               Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes 
               the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again 
               about the...(notices a large, wet stain 
               on his couch)...the...the...
 
               
                             POPPIE
               The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               ...the...the...

               
                             KRAMER
               So long. I'll see you tonight.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!

               
                             KRAMER
               What is what?

               
                             JERRY
               This puddle on my sofa!

               
                             KRAMER
               What puddle?

               
                             JERRY
               That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle 
               and does a double-take.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? 
               IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on 
               my sofa!!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Are you sure?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! 
               Poppie peed on my new sofa!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sure it'll come out.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't care if it comes out, I can't 
               sit on that anymore!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, you're making too much of it.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural 
               human function...happens to be on my 
               sofa, instead of in the toilet, where 
               it would normally be.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Right!

               
               
               George at Joe Temple's door.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, 
               Mr. Temple.
 
               
                             JOE
               Well, I was going to watch it with my 
               daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very 
               much.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She was a delicate flower.

               
                             JOE
               Why didn't you just read the book?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my 
               vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter 
               comes to the door.)
 
               
                             JOE
               Remy, this is George. Would you mind 
               if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's 
               with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy 
               looks at Joe doubtfully.)
 
               
               
               
               Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.

               
                             CARL
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. (They kiss.)

               
                             CARL
               I missed you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I missed you!

               
                             CARL
               I don't remember the last time I felt 
               this way.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Me, either!

               
                             CARL
               I think about you all the time.

               
                             ELAINE
               You do?

               
                             CARL
               Do you think about me?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, 
               recently I've been thinking about this 
               friend of mine.
 
               
                             CARL
               What friend?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated 
               by her troglodytic half-brother, and 
               decided to have an abortion. (Waits 
               in suspense for what Carl's response 
               will be.)
 
               
                             CARL
               You know, someday...we're going to get 
               enough people in the Supreme Court to 
               change that law.
 
               
               (Elaine breaks down in tears.)

               
               
               George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's 
               with Joe and Remy.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, anything to uh, nosh?

               
                             JOE
               What did you want?

               
                             GEORGE
               Popcorn?

               
                             REMY
               Popcorn? Where do you think you are?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in 
               the house.
 
               
                             REMY
               Well, we don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               You might want to try it...makes the 
               movie more enjoyable, that's all.
 
               
               
                             JOE
               Here's some nuts.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I 
               love? How there's two nuts named after 
               people. Hazel...and filbert.
 
               
                             REMY
               Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe 
               presses play on the remote.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, let's turn off the lights, get 
               some real 'movie atmosphere.'
 
               
                             JOE
               The lights are fine. (George shrugs, 
               and the movie begins.)
 
               
               
               Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the 
               first 'test pizza.'
 
               
                             KRAMER
               See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza 
               dough into the air.)
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. 
               (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) 
               Not too high!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, put a little sauce on here... 
               (speaks some unintelligible words in 
               an Italian accent while spreading the 
               sauce around.) Some cheese...
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Not too much!

               
                             KRAMER
               And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful 
               and puts them on the pizza.)
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Wait a second...what is that?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's cucumbers.

               
                             POPPIE
               No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a 
               pizza.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why not? I like cucumbers.

               
                             POPPIE
               That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               But that's the idea, you make your own 
               pie.
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Yes, but we cannot give the people the 
               right to choose any topping they want! 
               Now on this issue there can be no debate!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What gives you the right to tell me 
               how I would make my pie?
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Because it's a pizza!

               
                             KRAMER
               It's not a pizza until it comes out 
               of the oven!
 
               
                             POPPIE
               It's a pizza the moment you put your 
               fists in the dough!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, it isn't!

               
                             POPPIE
               Yes, it is!

               
               
               Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife 
               enters.
 
               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               I'm home.

               
                             JOE
               Hey, honey.

               
                             REMY
               Hi, Mom.

               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast 
               At Tiffany's?
 
               
                             JOE
               Yeah.

               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               Well, I just came back from Angela's, 
               it's not looking very good for Duncan.
 
               
               
                             JOE
               Aw, that's too bad.

               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a 
               matter of time -
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Joe...could you...

               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like 
               this...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be 
               one of those people, but we're right 
               in the middle of this thing...I can't 
               hear.
 
               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               Who are you?

               
                             JOE
               This is George Costanza.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is very hard to follow with all 
               the talking.
 
               
                             JOE
               I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape 
               with the remote.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes 
               to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end 
               of the couch where George was sitting.)
 
               
               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               Who is this guy?

               
                             REMY
               He's in some book club.

               
                             JOE'S WIFE
               And what's he doing here?

               
                             REMY
               Cheating on his test. (George returns 
               from the kitchen with a glass of grape 
               juice.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, we watching the movie, or are we 
               still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her 
               head and goes into the other room. George 
               gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. 
               Let's go.
 
               
                             REMY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               C'mon, you took my seat.

               
                             REMY
               It's not your seat.

               
                             GEORGE
               I was sitting there, c'mon.

               
                             REMY
               You didn't save it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I had the arm! Joe...

               
                             JOE
               What's the difference?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I was very comfortable! I've got 
               my nuts here...
 
               
                             REMY
               It's my couch.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries 
               to squeeze into the corner seat of the 
               couch and struggles with Remy. He spills 
               his glass of grape juice all over the 
               couch in the process.)
 
               
                             REMY
               Look! Look what you did! You got grape 
               juice all over our couch, you've ruined 
               our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward 
               George with his hands on his hips.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Joe...

               
               
               Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at 
               the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my god.

               
                             JERRY
               You see?!

               
                             ELAINE
               So, you're gonna get a new couch?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I guess I have no choice.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you want your old couch back?

               
                             JERRY
               I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom 
               buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
 
               
                             INTERCOM
               It's the movers.

               
                             JERRY
               'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Who's that?

               
                             JERRY
               Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, he's not my boyfriend.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Take a guess.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, really. (Carl and another moving 
               guy come in and pick up the couch.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             CARL
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's 
               and bring my old couch back.
 
               
                             CARL
               Today?

               
                             JERRY
               Could you?

               
                             CARL
               Sure.

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing with this couch?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George is taking it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you tell him it was peed on?

               
                             JERRY
               He said he doesn't care, he'll just 
               turn the cushion over.
 
               
               
               Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.

               
                             CARL
               I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, me too.

               
                             CARL
               It's just too bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. It is.

               
                             CARL
               Well, I better get this couch back to 
               Jerry's.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Can I offer you anything to drink?
 
               
               
                             CARL
               Yeah, sure.

               
                             ELAINE
               All I've got is grape juice.

               
                             CARL
               Throw it!

               
               (Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and 
               we hear the sound of breaking glass.)
 
               
                             CARL
               The couch!

               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's.
 
               
               
                             MARIE
               She didn't want the constraints of any 
               relationship, that's why she got rid 
               of the cat. The most important thing 
               in Holly's life was her independence.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, not really. After all, she did 
               get together with George Peppard. I 
               mean, Fred.
 
               
                             MARIE
               George...Fred's gay.

               
               (George ponders this quizzically.)

               
               
                            THE END




The Couch



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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