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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE DEAL



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
                             JERRY
               I've been watching women in the department 
               stores. They're trying on clothes, and 
               I've noticed that they do it differently 
               from men. Women don't try on the clothes, 
               they get behind the clothes, you see? 
               They take a dress off the rack, and 
               they hold it up against themself. They 
               can tell something from this. They stick 
               one leg way out 'cause they nedd to 
               know, if some day I'm one-legged, and 
               at a fourty-five degree angle, what 
               am I gonna wear? You never see a man 
               do that. You never see a guy take a 
               suit off the rack, put his head in the 
               neck, and go, "What do you think about 
               this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, 
               it looks fine. Put some shoes by the 
               bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. 
               Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? 
               Move the shoes, move the shoes, move 
               the shoes, move the shoes.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing? All right, all right. 
               What's the matter with that? What about 
               that one?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               He was good in Man From Uncle.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I'm having my root canal the 
               same week.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral 
               surgeon because that can be very serious. 
               (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked 
               people.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't wanna see the naked people.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Been a while?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I have a vague recollection of doing 
               something with someone, but it was a 
               long, long time ago.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I think my last time was in Rochester. 
               My hair was a lot shorter.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, 
               I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks 
               at Elaine)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               What was that look?

               
               
                             JERRY
               What look?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               The look you just gave me.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I gave a look?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes.

               
               
                             JERRY
               What kind of look?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know that look.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Then what was it?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why should I tell you?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you're the big look expert. I 
               wanna see how smart you are.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               What about the look?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               You got something on your mind?

               
               
                             JERRY
               No. Things pop into your head. You?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Things occur to me from time to time.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect 
               to just forget the past completely.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, of course not.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I mean, it was something we did. Probably 
               about, what? Twenty-five times?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Thirty-seven.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, we pretty much know what we're 
               doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               We know the terrain.

               
               
                             JERRY
               No big surprises.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nope.

               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you think?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. What do you think?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's something to consider.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I mean, let's say we did.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               What if.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Is that like the end of the world or 
               something?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Certainly not.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Why shouldn't we be able to do that 
               once in a while if we want to?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I mean, really, what is the big deal? 
               We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) 
               We're in there for a while. We come 
               right back out here. It's not complicated.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's almost stupid if we didn't.

               
               
                             JERRY
               It's moronic.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Absurd!

               
               
                             JERRY
               Of course, I guess, maybe, some little 
               problems could arise.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               We, there are always a few.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I mean, if anything happened, and we 
               couldn't be friends the way we are now, 
               that would be really bad.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Devastating.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Because this is very good. (Points back 
               and forth between them to indicate friendship)
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               That would be good too. The idea is 
               combine the this and the that. But this 
               cannot be disturbed.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, we just wanna take this and add 
               that.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But of course, we'd have to figure out 
               a way to avoid the things that cause 
               the little problems. Maybe some rules 
               or something.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh.

               
               
                             JERRY
               For example, now, I call you whenever 
               I'm inclined and vice versa.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Right.

               
               
                             JERRY
               But if we did that, we might feel a 
               certain obligation to call.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well why should that be? Oh, I have 
               an idea. I have an idea. No call the 
               day after that.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, sir.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Now here's another little rule. When 
               we see each other now, we retire to 
               our separate quarters. But sometimes, 
               when people get involved with that, 
               they feel pressure to sleep over. When 
               that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate 
               from that. And I don't see why sleep 
               got all tied up and connected with that.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well now we're gettin' somewhere.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               What about the kiss goodnight?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Tough one. You're call.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's brug-wa (?).

               
               
                             JERRY
               Fine. Well.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well.

               
               
                             JERRY
               You ready?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ready.

               
               
                             JERRY
               So think you can handle this?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)

               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Got the paper?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Not yet.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               No paper?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I haven't been out yet.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine 
               enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a 
               little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... 
               (He exits)
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What's the deal with Aquaman? Could 
               he go on land, or was he just restricted 
               to water?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I think I saw him on land a couple 
               times. So how's the job situation goin'?
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. 
               What about you?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last 
               night.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is 
               major.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I thought you'd like that.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is huge!

               
               
                             JERRY
               I know.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, okay. Let's go, details.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I can't do details.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               You wha?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't give details.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               No details?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not in the mood.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               You ask me to have lunch, tell me you 
               slept with Elaine, and then say you're 
               not in the mood for details. Now you 
               listen to me. I want details and I want 
               them right now. I don't have a job, 
               I have no place to go. You're not in 
               the mood? Well you get in the mood!
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right, okay. We're in the apartment 
               watching TV.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where are you sitting?

               
               
                             JERRY
               On the couch.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Next to each other?

               
               
                             JERRY
               No, separated.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Time?

               
               
                             JERRY
               About eleven.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, go ahead.

               
               
                             JERRY
               So she's flipping around the TV, and 
               she gets to the naked station.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable 
               in my house. Because of that naked station. 
               If I had that in my house, I would never 
               turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't 
               eat. Eventually, firemen would have 
               to break through the door, they'd find 
               me sitting there in my pajamas with 
               drool coming down my face. All right, 
               all right. So you're watching the naked 
               station.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And then, somehow, we started talking 
               about, what if we had sex.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Boy, these are really bad details.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It pains me to say this, but I may be 
               getting to mature for details.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of 
               growth really irritates me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well. I'll tell you though. It was really 
               passionate.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Better than before?

               
               
                             JERRY
               She must've taken some kind of seminar 
               or something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This is all too much. So what are you 
               feeling? What's going on? Are you like 
               a couple again now?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not exactly.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Not exactly. What does that mean?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, we've tried to arrange a situation 
               where we'll be able to do this once 
               in a while and still be friends. (George 
               laughs hysterically and stands oiut 
               of his seat)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where are you living? Are you here? 
               Are you on this planet? It's impossible. 
               It can't be done.
 
               (He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying 
               to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two 
               of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the 
               ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think we've worked out a system.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you know what you're like? You're 
               like a pathetic gambler. You're one 
               of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps 
               thinking he's gonna come up with a way 
               to win at blackjack.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, this is very advanced. We've designed 
               at set of rules that we can maintain 
               the friendship by advancing all of the 
               relationship pitfalls.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. No calls the next day.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, 
               next day you don't have to call. That's 
               pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You ready for the second one?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed 
               with the first one.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Spending the night. Optional.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you see? You got greedy.

               
               
                             JERRY
               No, that's the rule. It's optional.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know less about women than anyone 
               in the world. But one thing I do know 
               is they're not happy if you don't spend 
               the night. I could be a hot, sweaty 
               room with no air conditioning and all 
               they have is a little army cot this 
               wide (Displays with French fry) You're 
               not going anywhere.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think you're wrong.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               I hope I am.

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is this yours or the roommate's?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               The roommate's.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Would she mind?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               She keeps track of everything.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' 
               it.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Thanks.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, guess I'll get going.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I have that root canal tomorrow 
               morning. It'll be easier if I go home.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Fine, go away.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand. Is there a problem? 
               (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels 
               about twenty feet long) I'm getting 
               the impression there's a problem.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Just go.

               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm having surgery tomorrow.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               But you said, it can be very serious.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, so fine. Go.

               
               
                             JERRY
               What happened to the rules? Remember? 
               Sleeping over was optional.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It has nothing to do with whose house 
               it is.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, 
               Tina, enters)
 
               
               
                             TINA
               Hi.

               
               
                             ELAINE + JERRY
               Hi.

               
               
                             TINA
               Hi, Jerry.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
               
                             TINA
               Such a great improv class tonight.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh really?

               
               
                             TINA
               I had this improv where I pretended 
               I was working in one of those booths. 
               You know, in the amusement park, where 
               you have to shoot the water in the clown's 
               mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just 
               one second?
 
               
               
                             TINA
               Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks 
               away)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't go if you're mad.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not mad.

               
               
                             JERRY
               You seemed a little mad.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's 
               okay.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you're okay with everything?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Definitely. Are you?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Definitely. Well, goodnight.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're 
               you doing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Rules.

               
               
                             TINA
               Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits 
               quickly)
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What about jewelry? That's very nice 
               gift.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, no. I have to be very careful here. 
               I don't want to send the wrong message. 
               Especially after the other night.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.

               
               
                             JERRY
               No, no. You can't get her anything better 
               than me. Whatever I spend, you have 
               to spend half.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand. I'm in a very 
               delicate position. Whatever I give her, 
               she's going to be bringing in experts 
               from all over the country to interpret 
               the meaning behind it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What does she need? Maybe there's something 
               that she needs.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think I heard her say something about 
               a bench.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               A bench? What kind of a bench?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What, like at a bus stop?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Like a park bench?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I have no idea.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Who puts a bench in their house?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Forget the bench.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               I got it. You wanna get her something 
               nice? How 'bout a music box?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, too relationshippy. She opens it 
               up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm 
               dead.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, what about a nice frame? With 
               a picture of another guy in it. Frame 
               says I care for you, but if you wanna 
               get serious, perhaps you'd be interested 
               in someone like this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nice looking fellow.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               What about candle holders?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Too romantic.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Lingerie?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Too sexual.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Waffle maker.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Too domestic.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Too Gubernatorial. (?)

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let's work on the card.

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you won't like it.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, how could I not like it? Of course 
               I'll like it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You could not like it.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Just the fact that you remembered means 
               everything.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Of course I remembered. You reminded 
               me everyday for two months. Oh, the 
               card. (She opens)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Cash?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Would do you think?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               You got me cash?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well this way I figure you can go out 
               and get yourself whatever you want. 
               No good?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Who are you, my uncle?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well come on. That's $182 right there. 
               I don't think that's anything to sneeze 
               at.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Let me see the card. (Reading) To a 
               wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? 
               (Kramer enters)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. 
               Stay right there. I'm gonna be right 
               back. (He exits)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Pal? You think I'm your pal?

               
               
                             JERRY
               I said, "and more."

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I am not your pal.

               
               
                             JERRY
               What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone 
               so down on pal? (Kramer enters with 
               present)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, what is this? You got me something?
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Open it.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! 
               You got me the bench that I wanted! 
               (Jerry looks irritated)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That's pretty good, huh?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Great.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Remember when we were standing there 
               and she mentioned it? I made a mental 
               note of it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well goody for you.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. 
               I mean, when someone's birthday comes 
               up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you 
               get her?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               182 bucks.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind 
               of gift is that? That's like something 
               her uncle would get her.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Reading card) Think where man's glory 
               most begins and ends and say my glory 
               was I had such a friend.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (To Jerry) Yates.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh Kramer. (They embrace)

               
               
                             JERRY
               Could you excuse us please?

               
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
               
                             JERRY
               We're talking.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)

               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, we never had one fight before 
               this deal.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Never.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ever.

               
               
                             JERRY
               We got along beautifully.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Like clams.

               
               
                             JERRY
               It was wonderful.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               A pleasure.

               
               
                             JERRY
               So I think we should just forget the 
               whole deal, and go back to being friends.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't do it.

               
               
                             JERRY
               You what?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't do that.

               
               
                             JERRY
               You mean it's... (She nods) No this. 
               No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What 
               do you want?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               This, that, and the other.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. 
               Who doesn't want this, that, and the 
               other?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You.

               
               
                             JERRY
               (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Those birthdays. I told you. They're 
               relationship killers. If a relationship 
               is having any problems whatsoever, a 
               birthday will always bring it out.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I never should have made up those rules.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What is it about sex that just disrupts 
               everything? Is it the touching? Is it 
               the nudity?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It can't be the nudity. I never got 
               into these terrible fights and misunderstandings 
               when I was changing before gym class.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what this means? I can't see 
               her anymore either.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's break up by association. Besides, 
               she's mad at me anyway because of my 
               birthday present.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What did you end up giving her?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               91 dollars.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Sorry about that.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               So what're you gonna do?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, if I call her, there's no joking 
               around anymore. This is pretty much 
               it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, maybe this should be it.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Could be it.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               She seems like an it.

               
               
                             JERRY
               She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping 
               into her on the street in five years 
               with a husband. And she tells me he's 
               a sculptor, they live in Vermont...
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               We'd have to kill him.

               
               
                             JERRY
               We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'd go to prison as your accomplice. 
               I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. 
               Go to the cafeteria line with the guy 
               who slops those mashed potatoes onto 
               your plate. Go to the bathroom in front 
               of hundreds of people.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Plus, you know what else.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               You better call her.

               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               You got the paper yet?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well where is it? (Elaine enters from 
               bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done 
               with that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you're not reading it now.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, you can take it. But I want 
               it back.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna 
               do today?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, this. And that.

               
               
                             JERRY
               And the other.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, I really liked the two of you much 
               better when you weren't a couple. (He 
               exits)
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END





The Deal



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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