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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE DEALERSHIP



                           Written by

                          Steve Koren

 
               
               
                             
               (A car dealership)

               
               (Jerry and George are looking over some cars)

               
                             GEORGE
               When are they gonna have the flying 
               cars, already?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, they have been promising that 
               for a while..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Years. When we were kids, they made 
               it seem like it was right around the 
               corner.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. That's just electric.

               
                             JERRY
               What about Harrison Ford? He had one 
               in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool 
               one.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Sarcastic) What's the competition, 
               Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what do you think the big holdup 
               is?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The government is very touchy about 
               us being in the air. Let us run around 
               on the ground as much as we want. Anything 
               in the air is a big production.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, right. And what about the floating 
               cities?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And the underwater bubble cities?

               
                             JERRY
               It's like we're living in the '50s here.
 
               
               
               (Kramer's bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of the 
               cars for sale)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It's good suspension!

               
                             JERRY
               (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll 
               have plenty of time to destroy it after 
               I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this 
               car. (Gestures to a black Saab)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What is wrong with you? You never tell 
               'em you like the car. (Advising) You're 
               not sure what you want. You don't even 
               know why you're here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Talking about the vein in George's 
               head) There's that vein again.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm starving. We should have had lunch 
               first..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to quiet George down) It'll 
               be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's 
               getting me an insider deal.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling 
               cars? I thought he was a mechanic.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I guess he graduated.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's an easy move: go from screwin' 
               you behind your back to screwin' you 
               right to your face.
 
               
               (Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn)

               
                             JERRY
               (To Kramer) Thank you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Puddy's just gonna give you the car, 
               huh? (Skeptic) You'll see. First they 
               stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, 
               dealer prep. Sudeenly, you're
 
               
               on your back like a turnip.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright. Calm down.

               
                             GEORGE
               My father had a car salesman buddy. 
               He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next 
               thing I know, I'm gettin' dropped of 
               in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All
 
               
               
               the kids are shoutin' at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! 
               Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!"
 
               
               (Kramer's now on his back, under a car)

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I don't think this thing is hooked 
               up right.
 
               
               (Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings)

               
                             JERRY
               (To Kramer) Alright, we're goin' in.
 
               
               
               (A salesman walks up to Kramer. He's still under the car)

               
                             SALESMAN
               You've got a good eye, there. I see 
               you've noticed the uni-body construction. 
               I'm Rick. Are you looking to buy or 
               lease?
 
               
               (Kramer emerges from under the car)

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah, 
               he'll be buying..
 
               
                             RICK
               Maybe I should talk to him.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer. 
               You know, all over the place. That's 
               where I come in.
 
               
                             RICK
               I see. So, you're his manag-

               
               (Kramer hops into the car)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah, 
               why don't we take this boiler out for 
               a shakedown?
 
               
               (Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry 
               and George are waiting for a salesman to assist them)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at these salesmen. The only thing 
               these guys fear is the walk-out. No 
               matter what they say, you say, "I'll 
               walk out of here right now!"
 
               
               (A salesman approaches)

               
                             SALESMAN
               Can I help you with something?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Threatening) Hold it! One more step 
               and we're walkin'!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, 
               we're just waiting for David Puddy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Still with a tone) He is. You don't 
               know what I'm doin' here.
 
               
               (Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             PUDDY
               Sorry I'm late.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend 
               took me out to celebrate his promotion.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah. Where'd you go?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Arby's.

               
                             ELAINE
               I had the roast beef..

               
                             JERRY
               So, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with 
               another 900 convertible.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Alright. Classic. (Holds his hand up) 
               High-five.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Interrupting) David, can you tell me 
               where the Xerox machine is?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room 
               (Points) right there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. (Leaves for the room)

               
                             PUDDY
               (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, 
               guys. I'll show you the 900.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us 
               the 900.
 
               
               (Scene cuts to Kramer. He's in the car with the salesman, Rick, 
               and they're driving an unknown street)
 
               
                             RICK
               .. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer: 
               Anti-lock breaks, automatic climate 
               control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) 
               make a right at this corner, please.
 
               
               
               (Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and.. 
               Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No. No, I didn't.

               
                             RICK
               Well, that's okay. (Pointing) We'll 
               make this next right, and swing around 
               to get back to the dealership.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Up to something) Well, it's a test 
               drive, right? I never drive around here. 
               If I'm gonna recommend this car, I need 
               to see that it'll handle my daily
 
               
               
               routine.

               
                             RICK
               So where are we going?

               
                             KRAMER
               Just a little place I like to call, 
               "You'll see".
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Puddy's office)

               
               (George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy)

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm starving. You got any of those free 
               donuts you use to soften people up?
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               (Pointing out his office door) By the 
               service department.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright, 
               remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to 
               nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (As George is leaving for the donuts) 
               Au revoir, Le George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't think it can't happen! (Leaves)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move 
               for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               I don't care for that term.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. Sorry, I didn't know..

               
                             PUDDY
               No, I don't know too many monkeys who 
               could take apart a fuel injector.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I saw one once that could do sign language.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Koko.

               
                             PUDDY
               Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. (Holds 
               up his hand) High-five.
 
               
               (Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here? 
               (To Jerry) You didn't agree to anything, 
               did ya?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. We both just saw the same monkey.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on 
               the donuts. There were none left.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               (Standing up) Well, there's a vending 
               machine. I could show you where it is. 
               (Leaves, showing George the way)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.

               
                             JERRY
               (Getting a dollar out) Where's your 
               money?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Talking it) I'm here helpin' you.
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Where's Puddy? The copy machine 
               is broken.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's 
               what they want you to think.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend 
               has developed an annoying little habit?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) 
               The staring?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. He keeps asking me to give him a 
               high-five.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I thought all guys do that.

               
                             JERRY
               Slapping hands is the lowest form of 
               male primate ritual. In fact, even some 
               of them have moved on - they're using 
               sign language now.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Is that bad?

               
                             JERRY
               What do you think the Nazis were doin'? 
               (Imitates the Nazi's salute) That was 
               the heil-five.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Pointing out) Isn't that from your 
               act, like, ten years ago?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good 
               bit in the ‘80's, and it's still relatable 
               today.
 
               
               (Puddy approaches them)

               
                             PUDDY
               Good news. We got a 900 in black. That's 
               the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
 
               
               
               (Elaine and Jerry exchange looks)

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, David, you know what? Can you come 
               help me fix the copy machine?
 
               
               (Elaine takes Puddy's arm, leading him to the room)

               
                             PUDDY
               (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership back room)

               
               (George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine 
               glass)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.
 
               
               
               (George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries 
               to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, come on!

               
               (A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George 
               to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use 
               it. The machine readily accepts
 
               
               the mechanic's dollar)

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, excuse me. Do you have change of 
               a dollar?
 
               
                             MECHANIC
               (While retrieving his candy) No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Could I, uh, could I trade you for another 
               dollar?
 
               
                             MECHANIC
               (While walking away) Don't have one.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Stopping him) Excuse me. When your, 
               uh, when your wallet was open, I glanced 
               inside, and I couldn't help but notice 
               that you had several crisp dollar
 
               
               
               bills.

               
                             MECHANIC
               (Calm) You're incorrect.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Persistent) Perhaps you could look 
               again, please? I'm very hungry.
 
               
                             MECHANIC
               (While taking his exit) We had donuts 
               earlier.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys 
               giving the old screwgie, huh?! You're 
               all doin' a hell of a job! (Looks longingly 
               at the Twix in the machine) Ho,
 
               
               ho. What I would do with you..

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership car)

               
               (Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is 
               filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed 
               Tweety bird)
 
               
                             RICK
               Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed 
               to use the cars to run errands.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, look, Rick. I'm very close to giving 
               this car, that my celebrity friend is 
               considering, my full endorsement. (Looks 
               out the window) Oooh, Let's see if
 
               
               
               I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) 
               Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It's the Saab 900! What do you 
               think? Can I interest you in a little
 
               
               supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend 
               him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze..
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership back room)

               
               (Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach, 
               reaching under the vending machine for change)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve 
               your candy on the machine) I think the 
               candy comes out over there.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               People can drop change down here, Jerry. 
               And they're too lazy to pick it up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Either that, or they've got a little 
               hang-up about lying face-down in filth. 
               Why don't you just go to the cashier?
 
               
               
               (George gets up)

               
                             GEORGE
               The cashier is at lunch - which is where 
               I'd like to be.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How much was under there?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Looking at his finger) I think somethin' 
               bit me. I just need another nickel.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (While fishing through his pocket for 
               change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go 
               for the CD player. What do you think? 
               (Hands him a nickel)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ho, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's 
               just reeling his big fish in!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, can I have my dollar back?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Stingy) It's wrinkled. It's worthless.
 
               
               
               (Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts 
               the money into the machine)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, 
               ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the 
               spindle right before falling. George 
               begins to pound the machine) Come on!
 
               
               
               Jump!

               
               (A man holding a donut walks past George)

               
                             MAN
               They just put out some more donuts.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They did?

               
                             MAN
               (Holding his up) Last one.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership car)

               
               (Kramer's still on the road with Rick)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, just one more errand and we can 
               head back.
 
               
                             RICK
               Actually, it looks like we're gonna 
               need some gas.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh? Well, how much gas do you think 
               is in there right now?
 
               
                             RICK
               (Looking) Well, it's on "E".

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he 
               lend me his car and I find myself in 
               a situation where the car is almost 
               out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, 
               I
 
               
               don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.
 
               
               
                             RICK
               (Pointing out) So, you want to know 
               how far you can drive your friend's 
               car for free.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) 
               Well, I make it up to him in other ways.
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership back room)

               
               (George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine)

               
                             GEORGE
               As you will see, the candy bar is paid 
               for, and yet, remains dangling in the 
               machine. (Notices that the Twix slot 
               is completely empty) Hey, it's gone.
 
               
               
               Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the 
               window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic 
               from before is eating a candy bar)
 
               
               What?! That guy's eatin' it!

               
                             SALESMAN
               Well, how do you know that one's yours?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, it was dangling! There were only 
               two left in the machine! He must've 
               bought one, and gotten both.
 
               
                             SALESMAN
               Sir, are you gonna buy a car?

               
                             GEORGE
               No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses 
               the mechanic through the door's window) 
               Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is my 
               Twix! (The mechanic eats
 
               
               the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. 
               It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!
 
               
               (Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He's trying 
               to fix the Xerox machine)
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand 
               up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps 
               it. He turns around, and puts his hand 
               out behind his back) On the flip side.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               David, um, I..

               
                             PUDDY
               (Still holding out his hand) Don't leave 
               me hangin'
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're a salesman now - and the high-five 
               is.. it's very grease monkey.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               What did I tell you about that?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry, but the high-five is just 
               so stupid.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you 
               what's stupid. You. Stupid.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that is really mature.

               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah? So are you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh?

               
                             PUDDY
               You're the grease monkey.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Confused at David's attempts at a comeback) 
               Uh.. that doesn't make any sense. I 
               am leaving.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, if you leave, we're through.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Fine! We're through!

               
               PUDDY; Oh, so you're leaving?

               
                             ELAINE
               (While leaving) That's right. (Mocking 
               Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! 
               (Turns around, putting her hand behind 
               her back like he had done) On the
 
               
               
               flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin' 
               me to Arby's..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where 
               are you..?
 
               
               (She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed)

               
                             PUDDY
               Let's finish this up.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you two break up?

               
                             PUDDY
               (While punching up numbers on a calculator) 
               That chick's whacked. We're history. 
               (Back to the transaction) I just left 
               out a couple of things:
 
               
               rust-proofing..

               
                             JERRY
               "Rust-proofing"?

               
                             PUDDY
               (Reading off what he's adding up on 
               the calculator) Transport charge, storage 
               surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's 
               fee
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Finder's fee"? It was on the lot!
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, that's right. (Continues reading 
               off) Floor mats, keys..
 
               
                             JERRY
               ‘Keys"?!

               
                             PUDDY
               How ya gonna start it?

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership's shop)

               
               (George catches up with the portly mechanic)

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me. I believe you just ate my 
               Twix bar. It was dangling. And when 
               you purchased your Twix bar, you got 
               a little freebie, and you never bothered
 
               
               
               to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.

               
                             MECHANIC
               First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was 
               a 5th Avenue bar.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Huh. You must think I'm pretty stupid. 
               That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see 
               the crumb right there in the corner 
               of your lip! Now, that-that-that is 
               a
 
               
               cookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the 
               cookie crunch.
 
               
                             MECHANIC
               Yeah, it's just a little nougat.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nougat? Please. I think I've reached 
               the point in my life where I can tell 
               between nougat and cookie. So, let's 
               not just say things that are obvious
 
               
               
               fabrications.

               
                             MECHANIC
               (Pointing to George's forehead) You 
               know, you're gettin' a little vein there..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Watching the mechanic leave) I know 
               about the vein! I can't believe this 
               guy..
 
               
               (Jerry rushes in with a box of candy)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, last one. Listen, you gotta help 
               me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke 
               up, he's treatin' me just like a regular 
               customer, now!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't 
               listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get 
               a deal, huh? There's now laws in this 
               place. Anything goes! It's
 
               
               Thunderdome!

               
               (A saleswoman approaches them)

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Is someone helping you?

               
               (Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room)

               
                             GEORGE
               Stay back!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership car)

               
                             RICK
               (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where 
               is it now?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There's still some overlap between the 
               needle and the slash below the "E".
 
               
               
                             RICK
               How long are you gonna go?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I've been in the slash many times. 
               This is nothing. You'll get used to 
               it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get 
               it out of your mind.
 
               
                             RICK
               Have you ever been completely below 
               the slash?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I almost did once, and I blacked 
               out. When I came to, the car was in 
               a ditch, and the tank was full. I don't 
               know who did it, and I never got to
 
               
               
               thank them..

               
                             RICK
               (As the car slowly drifts off the road) 
               Mr. Kramer, the road!
 
               
               (Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place)

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoop! Whoop!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Puddy's office)

               
               (Jerry and George are in conference)

               
                             JERRY
               (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. 
               When we first started this deal, I thought 
               things were gonna be different. Now, 
               if you want to play hard ball, I got 
               my
 
               
               friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving 
               the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good: 
               I need to know the name of that mechanic 
               that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. 
               Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               George! Can we focus on the car, here?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm starving! I can feel my stomach 
               sucking up against my spine.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) 
               Jerry, I just need your signature, here, 
               and we'll get you that yellow car ready 
               to go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yellow? I wanted black.

               
                             PUDDY
               I can't give you black at that price.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) George, could you help me, 
               please?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!

               
                             JERRY
               Sing it, sister!

               
                             GEORGE
               Just because a candy bar fails to fall 
               from its perch..!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Exasperated) Uhhh..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Losing it) ..does not imply transfer 
               of ownership. Moe, Sol, or... Lem is not 
               gonna get away with this!
 
               
               (Jerry follows George out the office)

               
                             JERRY
               (To Puddy) I'll be right back.

               
                             PUDDY
               Okay.

               
               (Jerry catches up with George)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership car)

               
               (The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it)

               
                             RICK
               Is it just the angle I'm looking from?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, Sir. We are down there.

               
                             RICK
               Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I've never 
               felt so alive!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, alright. I'm satisfied. 
               We better get some gas.
 
               
                             RICK
               What? Well, we can't stop now.

               
                             KRAMER
               What do you mean?

               
                             RICK
               We have to keep going - all the way 
               back to the dealership. That was the 
               plan.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There was no plan.

               
                             RICK
               Well, let's make it the plan! Let's 
               just.. go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What, they drove to a dealership?

               
                             RICK
               No, they drove off a cliff.

               
               (Kramer eyes Rick, frightened)

               
                             KRAMER
               You are one sick mama.. I like it.
 
               
               
                             RICK
               Mr. Kramer, the road!

               
               (Kramer swerves around again)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yup! Yup!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Elaine's apartment)

               
               (Phone rings, she answers it)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               (Over the phone) Elaine, you've got 
               to get back down to the dealer. Puddy 
               is screwin' me on this car, which is 
               yellow now!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Banging the phone against the booth) 
               Elaine!
 
               
               (Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise)

               
                             ELAINE
               What?!

               
                             JERRY
               You gotta get back together with Puddy 
               so I can make this deal.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Sarcastic) You know, just that you 
               cared enough to call means so much, 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're gonna get back together, anyway. 
               It's thousands of dollars!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I don't know..

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Then you don't have to see 
               him again ‘til my 15,000-mile check.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Fine.

               
                             ELAINE
               And I didn't like that roast beef, so 
               how ‘bout some lunch?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. No lunch.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll hang the phone up right now!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright! Lunch!

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll see ya. (Hanging up the phone)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Bye. (Hangs up)

               
                             JERRY
               (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody's 
               ripping me off!
 
               
               (Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window)

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like to report a problem with one 
               of your mechanics.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               When did you bring the car in?

               
                             GEORGE
               (To the man behind him in line) Yeah 
               right.. I'm gonna get my car repaired 
               at a dealership. Huh! Why don't I just 
               flush my money down the toilet?
 
               
                             WILLIE
               Sir, what, exactly, is the problem?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short 
               name - stole my Twix candy bar!
 
               
                             WILLIE
               Are you saying he grabbed the candy 
               bar away from you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He might as well have! I caught him, 
               and his face was covered in chocolate 
               and cookie crumbs.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               I thought you said it was a Twix.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 
               5th Avenue bar.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               Maybe it was.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with 
               the cookie crunch.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               What about the $100,000 bar?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. Rice and caramel.

               
                             WILLIE
               Nougat?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             WILLIE
               Positive?

               
                             GEORGE
               Please.

               
               (A woman appears from behind the window)

               
                             WOMAN
               You know they changed the name from 
               $100,000 bar to 100 Grand?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All I want is my seventy-five cents 
               back, an apology, and for him to be 
               fired!
 
               
               (An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He's Willie's 
               father)
 
               
                             WILLIE SR
               I remember when you used to be able 
               to get a Hershey for a nickel.
 
               
               (The man behind George speaks up)

               
                             MAN
               What's the one with the swirling chocolate 
               in the commercial?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They all have swirling chocolate in 
               the commercial!
 
               
                             WILLIE SR
               Not Skittles.

               
                             WILLIE
               Dad, I told you you could sit here only 
               if you don't talk.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               (Sitting behind George) You make your 
               father sit here all day?
 
               
                             WILLIE
               He likes it!

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright! Do you mind? I have the window! 
               (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna 
               do about my Twix?
 
               
                             MAN
               (In line behind George) Twix has too 
               much coconut.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No! There's no coconut!

               
                             WOMAN
               (Behind service window) I'm allergic 
               to coconut.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               I'm not.

               
                             WILLIE SR
               ..A nickel!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership office showroom)

               
               (Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab)

               
                             ELAINE
               Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy.

               
                             PUDDY
               I'm with a customer.

               
               (Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction, 
               and starts to walk away)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh..

               
                             JERRY
               No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. 
               What's important is you two getting 
               back together. Eh, then we'll talk about 
               the car.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               (Like a kid) I don't want to get back 
               with her. She's too bossy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative 
               tone) David..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. Now, I know this is an important 
               decision. Why don't we all just sit 
               down and talk about it? Come on, come 
               on. Now, look, you both find each
 
               
               
               other attractive, right?

               
                             ELAINE AND PUDDY
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               Clearly, no one else can stand to be 
               with either one of you..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I guess.

               
                             PUDDY
               Good point.

               
                             JERRY
               (Smiling, like a salesman) Alright. 
               Now, what do I have to do to put you 
               two in a relationship today?
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Gas station)

               
               (Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out)

               
                             KRAMER
               Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, 
               huh, fella? I'll get us a couple of 
               Twix bars.
 
               
                             RICK
               No, no coconut for me.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, I'll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep 
               the engine running.
 
               
               (Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out 
               and reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the 
               pump and scares him)
 
               
                             RICK
               Ahh!

               
                             KRAMER
               No, man! Not the gas!

               
                             RICK
               But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it 
               bad!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Do you think that this'll make you happy? 
               ‘Cause it won't!
 
               
                             RICK
               (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on 
               without me.
 
               
               (Kramer grabs him by the collar)

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen to me. When that car rolls into 
               that dealership, and that tank is bone 
               dry, I want you to be there with me 
               when everyone says, "Kramer and that
 
               
               
               other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than 
               anyone ever dreamed!"
 
               
               (The car makes puttering noises)

               
                             RICK
               Maybe we better get moving.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's good to have you back, Stan.

               
               (Both hop into the car)

               
                             RICK
               It's Rick, by the way.

               
                             KRAMER
               No time!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership's customer service room)
 
               
               
                             WILLIE
               Mr. Costanza, I really don't have time 
               for this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, 
               eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed, 
               wouldn't you agree he would have no 
               problem picking one out from a
 
               
               candy line-up?

               
                             WILLIE
               "Candy line-up"?

               
                             GEORGE
               I've spent the last hour preparing ten 
               candy bars with no wrappers of identification 
               of any kind for him to select from.
 
               
               
                             WILLIE
               It took you an hour?

               
                             GEORGE
               Only I hold the answer key to their 
               true candy identities. And so, without 
               further ado, I give you.. the candy 
               line-up. (Opens a door to a back room.
 
               
               
               Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's my candy line-up! Where are all 
               my cards?! They're - they're all on 
               the floor!
 
               
               (George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. 
               He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And you! How many Twix does that make 
               for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!
 
               
                             MECHANIC
               No.

               
                             MAN
               Hey, this Clark bar is good.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was 
               a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've 
               robbed it! You've all screwed me again! 
               Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!
 
               
                             MECHANIC
               They're all gone.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera 
               spins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx!
 
               
               
               (Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference)

               
                             ELAINE
               What was that?

               
                             PUDDY
               There's a mental hospital right near 
               here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. Elaine, David, I believe we 
               have a deal here in principle: Arby's 
               - no more than once a month. In exchange, 
               Elaine comes to your softball game, 
               and
 
               
               doesn't read a book.

               
                             ELAINE
               (While looking over the contract Jerry 
               just drew up) Yeah, well, that's not 
               bad.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               I can live with that.

               
                             JERRY
               So, you're back together?

               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah.

               
               (Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling)

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright. Alright, that's enough! 
               Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, 
               that's just a rip-off, isn't it, David?
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Oh, we don't even know what it is.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, I'm gettin' the insider's deal?
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Insider's deal. (Holds up his hand) 
               High-five.
 
               
               (Jerry gives a face of resentment)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               Dealership car)

               
               (Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership)

               
                             RICK
               (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There's 
               the dealer!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             RICK
               We did! We pulled it off! I can't believe 
               it! Where's the needle?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!
 
               
               
                             RICK
               Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I 
               - I learned a lot. Things are gonna 
               be different for me now.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's a weird thing to say..
 
               
               
                             RICK
               I wonder how much longer we could have 
               lasted.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm.

               
               (They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting 
               to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
                             
               NYC Cab)

               
               (Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab)

               
                             ELAINE
               This is nice. What kind of car is this?
 
               
               
                             CABBIE
               Caprice Classic.

               
                             ELAINE
               (To Jerry) You couldn't just give him 
               one high-five?
 
               
                             JERRY
               And where does it end? Then, everyone's 
               doin' it. It's like the wave at ball 
               games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't 
               go there." - Someone's gotta take a
 
               
               
               stand!

               
                             GEORGE
               (Munching on a hamburger) This Arby's 
               is good.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, George, I still don't understand 
               - how was that a setup?
 
               
                             JERRY
               And who were you tryin' to set up, anyway? 
               The mechanic or the manager?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (In the spotlight) I don't know. All 
               of ‘em. They're all crooks! Besides, 
               I couldn't get all different candy bars, 
               anyway.
 
               
               (Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming 
               and yelling)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               I think there's a mental hospital near 
               here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Very near.

               
               (Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come 
               to a stop)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Whew! Well, I think we stopped.

               
                             RICK
               You - you can probably let go of my 
               hand now.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, 
               I'll think about it..
 
               
                             RICK
               Do you have my card?

               
               
               
               
               
               THE END



The Dealership



Writers :   Steve Koren
Genres :   Comedy


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