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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE DINNER PARTY



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. 
               Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't 
               believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my 
               coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they 
               hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make 
               a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised 
               they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense 
               to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small 
               step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the 
               face of the earth. "
 
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, do you believe I got happy new 
               year today? It's February.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I once got Happy new Year in July.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's

               
                             JERRY
               It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold 
               out?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's really cold.

               
                             JERRY
               Scary cold.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. What's your definition 
               of scary cold?
 
               
               (George enters in Gore-Tex jacket)

               
                             JERRY
               That.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh, What is that, ha?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               When did you get that?

               
                             GEORGE
               This week. My father got a deal from 
               a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You 
               know about Gore-Tex?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You can't even turn around in that thing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look at this (start hitting George)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey George, can you feel this? (they 
               are hitting his jacket)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. 
               Come on, let's go.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe we should stop off on the way 
               and get a bottle of wine or something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What for?

               
                             ELAINE
               These people invited us for dinner. 
               We have to bring something.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

                             ELAINE
               Because it's rude, otherwise.

               
                             GEORGE
               You mean just going there because I'm 
               invited, that's rude?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So you're telling me instead of being 
               happy to see me they're going to be 
               upset because I didn't bring anything. 
               You see what I'm saying?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The fabric of society is very complex 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You can't bring Pepsi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because we're adults?

               
                             GEORGE
               You telling me that wine is better than 
               Pepsi? Huh, no way wine is better than 
               Pepsi.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling you George, I don't think 
               we want to walk in there and put a big 
               plastic jug of Pepsi on the table.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I just don't like the ideas that every 
               time there is a dinner invitation there's 
               this annoying little chore that goes 
               along with it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, you're getting to be an annoying 
               little chore yourself.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, let's go. Who's driving?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You are. I can't get that thing (George) 
               in my car.
 
               
               (In Kramer's car)

               
                             JERRY
               Where's the heat in this car? Come on 
               Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Give 
               me a squeeze.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Get off of me. Get off of ME!

               
                             JERRY
               You're pretty comfortable up there eh. 
               Bubble boy?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I was just thinking. The four of us 
               can't show up with just one bottle of 
               wine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them 
               a couch? Bring them a nice sectional.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               We'll get some cake. Can you stop off 
               at the bakery?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you just get some Ring Dings 
               at the liquor store?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ring Dings?

                             GEORGE
               Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything 
               you'll ever get at a bakery.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I like Ring Dings.

               
                             ELAINE
               George, we can't show up at someone's 
               house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON!

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a funeral procession. . . . And 
               I got news for you. I show up with Ring 
               Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest 
               hit at the party. People be coming up 
               to me, "just between you and me I'm 
               really excited about the Ring Dings 
               and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais 
               and Chardonnay . . .
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery. 
               Stop here. Stop here. Okay, let me out. 
               You, whatever your name is...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, Jerry, come with me.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, so we're going to get the wine 
               and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right

               
               
               
               (The Royal Bakery)

               
                             ELAINE
               Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh look Elaine, the black and white 
               cookie. I love the black and white. 
               Two races of flavor living side by side 
               (mumble?) It's a wonderful thing isn't 
               it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know I often wonder what you'll 
               be like when you're senile.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm looking forward to it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth 
               transition for you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thank you. All right, look at all this 
               stuff. What are we getting'?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Love that Bobka.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               So listen Elaine, when we get up to 
               the door, you , you hold the cake box.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, just standing there with 
               a box, holding it by the little string.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You think it's effeminate?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a tad dainty.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, we forgot to pick a number.

               
                             JERRY
               You see that's not fair. We were here 
               ahead of all these people.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You think I should go ask her for hers?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, forget it.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no it's not fair. Just because they 
               have a ticket doesn't mean they were 
               here first. We were here and we were 
               ahead of them, and them, and her. Come 
               on let's just go ask them. Come on. 
               . . . Excuse me.
 
               
               (Kramer's car)

               
                             KRAMER
               Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What 
               do you want to do?
 
                             GEORGE
               Just double park

               
                             KRAMER
               No

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if 
               somebody wants to get out of here?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Are you kidding? People get spaces this 
               good, they never give them up.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It's a fallacy.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, I'll tell you what, why don't 
               you go into the store and I'll wait 
               in the car?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't YOU go into the store and 
               I'LL wait in the car?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Because, I've got the coat. I can sit 
               in the car and not get cold.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So what I'm going to leave the car running 
               and the heater'll be on.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Does the heater even work in this car?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, there's a spot right in front of 
               the liquor store. You see
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I see.

               
                             GEORGE
               You see, ho ho,

               
               (Royal Bakery)

               
                             ELAINE
               But we were here ahead of you.

               
                             BARBARA
               How do I know that?

               
                             JERRY
               Well we saw you come in.

               
                             YYY
               Well, that's easy for you to say.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah, right, that's something I 
               do all the time, right. I make up stories 
               to get ahead in line at bakeries.
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               46?

               
                             ELAINE
               Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara 
               Benedict?
 
               
                             BARBARA
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine 
               Benes, you remember we met at Linda 
               van Grak's baby shower.
 
               
                             BARBARA
               I'm on my way over there right now.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Me too.

               
                             D
               You're Jerry right?

                             JERRY
               David!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't 
               it?
 
               
                             BARBARA
               Yes it is.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know we were here ahead of you.
 
               
               
                             BARBARA
               You're NOT getting my number.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh so you still don't believe us.

               
                             CLERK
               47!

               
                             BARBARA
               Us.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let 
               me tell you something as soon as I get 
               there I'm going to tell everyone what 
               a jerk you are.
 
               
                             BARBARA
               Well, I'll be there ahead of you and 
               I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU 
               are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our 
               last one.
 
               
               (Liquor Store)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So alright, what are we getting? It's 
               so hot in here!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What's that?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed 
               to a Beaujolais which is richer and 
               fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Twelve dollars? I knew we should have 
               gone to the bakery. I guarantee you 
               they aren't getting no twelve dollar 
               cake.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right but I am going to have to 
               pay you back latter I don't have my 
               wallet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               . . . Why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because I don't like to carry my wallet. 
               My osteopath says it's bad for my spine. 
               It throws my hips off kilter
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "throws your hips off kilter" So where's 
               your money?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I never take it.

               
                             GEORGE
               So what do you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I get by.

               
               (Royal Bakery)

               
                             BARBARA
               See you later (exits with the Bobka)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               /JERRY: See you later.

               
                             JERRY
               That's the last Bobka. They got the 
               last Bobka.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know. They're going in first with 
               the last Bobka.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That was our Bobka.

               
                             ELAINE
               You can't beat a Bobka.

               
                             JERRY
               We should have had that Bobka.

               
                             ELAINE
               They're going to be heroes.

               
                             JERRY
               What are we going to do now. If we can't 
               get the Bobka the whole thing's useless.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well how about a carrot cake?

               
                             JERRY
               Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? 
               You don't make carrots into a cake. 
               I'm sorry.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Black Forrest?

               
                             JERRY
               Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in 
               the Forrest, oohh.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How about a Napoleon?

               
                             ELAINE
               Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He 
               was a ruthless war monger. Might as 
               well get Mengle.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What's this one?

               
                             CLERK
               That's cinnamon Bobka.

               
                             JERRY
               Another Bobka?

               
                             CLERK
               There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, but they got the chocolate. We'll 
               be going in with a lesser Bobka.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a 
               back seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon. 
               It should be on tables at restaurants 
               along with salt and pepper. Anytime 
               anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's 
               in it?" The answer invariably comes 
               back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and 
               again. Lesser Bobka - I think not.
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               49?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll have the cinnamon Bobka.

               
                             JERRY
               ... and a black and white cookie, for 
               me. Peace!
 
               
               (Liquor store)

               
                             CLECK
               That will be 13.05

               
                             GEORGE
               All right here you go.

               
                             CLERK
               A hundred? I can't change that.

               
                             GEORGE
               You can't - oh uh oh All right let's 
               go.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a second. I can get change.

               
               (Out on the street)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll 
               get us killed.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar 
               bill. People will be jumping out of 
               windows after us.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll 
               get some change.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I am not buying something just to get 
               change.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               George, there's a news stand right over 
               there. Now come on.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All rright let's get some gum or something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Pack of gum, okay here you go.

               
                             CLERK
               What I this a hundred? I can't change 
               a hundred.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             CLERK
               You got to buy more than that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Here, get a newspaper.

               
                             GEORGE
               A newspaper.

               
                             CLERK
               That's not enough.

               
                             KRAMER
               A Clark Bar.

               
                             GEORGE
               Clark Bar.

               
                             CLERK
               Keep going.

               
                             GEORGE
               There's 22 dollars here.

               
                             KRAMER
               George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That will make great dinner party conversation. 
               We'll read the letters at the dinner 
               table.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's nice.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, did you ever read one of these?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's not real. They're all made up.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's real.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know there is an unusual number 
               of people in this country having sex 
               with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum, 
               newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.
 
               
                             CLERK
               6.75.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over 
               twenty dollars now.
 
               
                             MAN1
               (gibberish Arabic yelling)

               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You better be careful with that thing. 
               You'll start a war.
 
               
               (Royal Bakery)

               
                             JERRY
               Uhm, The thing about eating the Black 
               and White cookie, Elaine, is you want 
               to get some black and some white in 
               each bite. Nothing mixes better than 
               vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow 
               racial harmony eludes us. If people 
               would only look to the cookie all our 
               problems would be solved.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Your views on race relations are fascinating. 
               You really should do an op-ed piece 
               for the Times.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look 
               to the cookie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is this?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's a hair.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, take it back. Let's get another 
               one.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, we've already got this. I'll just 
               take it off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, really, let's get another one. It 
               will just take a second.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me.

               
                             MAN
               Hey hey, I'm in line here.

               
                             ELAINE
               No noo no, we just bought this. . . 
               . Um, you sold us a cake with a hair 
               on it.
 
               
                             CLERK
               You have to take a number.

               
                             ELAINE
               We waited fifteen minutes for this. 
               Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON 
               IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . 
               What are you doing (to Jerry taking 
               a number) are you going to wait here?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with 
               a hair on it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It was a little hair. I took it off.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               A little hair? Do you think that makes 
               it better?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What if it's your hair?

               
                             JERRY
               What if it's your hair?

               
                             ELAINE
               What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. 
               Nobody takes better care of their hair 
               than me. You can serve dinner on my 
               head.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who needs misty herbal rain water crap 
               they sell in the health food store. 
               I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred 
               proof - takes your roots out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she 
               calls the number.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, why don't we just forget about 
               the cake?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No I'm bringing cake!

               
               (Liquor store)

               
                             GEORGE
               All right we got the wine. Aren't we 
               lucky? We got wine. Imagine if we didn't 
               bring wine. We'd be shunned by society. 
               Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               "I know this is going to sound like 
               a crazy fantasy but every word of this 
               story is true..." (exits to street) " 
               A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened 
               to mention to me how attractive our 
               new neighbor Linda was..."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at this? Somebody double parked 
               and blocked us in. DOES ANYBODY KNOW 
               WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note 
               on it. No, no note. Can you believe 
               this?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               "...well of course I noticed it too with 
               those ample breasts and those pouty 
               lips. I don't have to tell you she was 
               a knock out...."
 
               
               (still on street but much later)

               
                             GEORGE
               I really can't comprehend how stupid 
               people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend 
               it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no I can't comprehend it?

                             GEORGE
               I mean we can put a man on the moon 
               but we're basically still very stupid. 
               The guy who's car this is? He could 
               be one of the guys who built the rocket. 
               You see what I'm saying?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, he could build the rocket but 
               he's still stupid for double-parking 
               and blocking somebody in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So you really understand my point about 
               building a rocket and double-parking.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets 
               and on the other part he's dumb with 
               parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe 
               it's just a blatant disregard for basic 
               human decency. If this how dictator's 
               start. Do you think Mussolini would 
               circle the block six times looking for 
               a spot?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               How about Idi Amin?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ill tell you, if I was running for office 
               I would ask for the death penalty for 
               double-parking. If this is allowed to 
               go on this is not a society. THIS IS 
               ANARCHY!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Are those shoes comfortable?

               
                             GEORGE
               No not really.

               
                             KRAMER
               They look comfortable.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know that's why I bought them but 
               they're not comfortable.
 
               
               (Royal Bakery)

               
                             ELAINE
               Why couldn't we have just taken the 
               hair off and go?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, out of the question.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Because I had a bad experience with 
               a hair when I was younger.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               I'd rather not talk about it.

               
                             ELAINE
               You can't tell me?

               
                             JERRY
               All right . . . I once had a hair in 
               my Farina and I freaked out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You found a hair in your Farina?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah,

               
                             ELAINE
               What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               I started screaming, "There's a hair 
               in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." 
               Then I ran out of the house and I was 
               running and running. I was little but 
               I could run very fast. I just kept running 
               and they found me like three hours later 
               collapsed at a construction site.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Wow. Who's hair was it?

                             JERRY
               My mother's.

               
                             CLERK
               68!

               
                             ELAINE
               That's us.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, good.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sold us a hair with a cake around 
               it. I'd like another one.
 
               
                             CLERK
               (coughing and coughing)

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, that's lovely.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah,

               
                             JERRY
               Just what you want to see, yeah. . . 
               . You want to trade your hair for some 
               phlegm
 
               
                             CLERK
               Here you are.

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where 
               are George and Kramer?
 
               
               (on street outside Liquor Store)

               
               (honking)

               
                             KRAMER
               HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME 
               ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We're really late now. We're in big 
               trouble. Big trouble.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, Elaine.

               
                             KRAMER
               What about her?

               
                             GEORGE
               . . . I'm a little scared of her.

               
                             KRAMER
               You're scared of Elaine?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             KRAMER
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you ever see her lose her temper. 
               I was once late because I bought a Panama 
               hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled 
               it down so hard my head came right through 
               the top of it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Let's go inside the liquor store. It's 
               freezing in here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why didn't you wear a heavier coat?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Because I wanted to look good for the 
               party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice. 
               We've been waiting twenty minutes for 
               you people? What do you think? You're 
               Mussolini?
 
               
                             MAN2
               Back off puff ball it's not my car!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I wasn't talking to you.

               
               (Royal Bakery)

               
                             ELAINE
               Wait until I get my hands on that George. 
               I'm going to pull that big hood over 
               his little head, tie the string and 
               suffocate him. You remember that Panama 
               hat? That was nothing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, wa?

               
                             ELAINE
               What's the matter with you?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, I don't feel so good.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's wrong?

               
                             JERRY
               My stomach, I , I think it was that 
               cookie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The black and white?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Not getting along?

               
                             JERRY
               I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan 
               down there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well if we can't look to the cookie 
               where can we look?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I feel like I'm going to throw up.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, what about your vomit streak?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I haven't thrown up since June 
               29th, 1980.
 
               
               (Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, oh!

               
                             MAN3
               Sooory.

               
                             ELAINE
               Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why 
               don't you watch what you're doing you, 
               LUNATIC!... uh, I think he broke my toe. 
               (Jerry gets up) Where're you going?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Fourteen years down the drain.

               
               (Liquor Store)

               
                             GEORGE
               Do chickens have individual personalities?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (shivering) I don't care.

               
                             GEORGE
               If you had five chickens could you tell 
               them apart by just the way they acted? 
               Or would they all just be walking around? 
               Cluck, puk cluck? Because if they have 
               individual personalities I don't think 
               we should be eating them. What's the 
               matter with you?
 
               
                             CLERK
               Can I help you guys with anything?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               We bought the wine here before, but 
               now we're blocked in by some car that's 
               double parked and we're just waiting 
               for the guy to pull out.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout. 
               But my friend here has hypothermia.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I've got hypothermia.

               
                             CLERK
               All right guys, take it outside.

               
               (George turns and breaks wine bottles)

               
                             CLERK
               You're paying for these.

               
               (Royal bakery)

               
                             ELAINE
               How was it?

               
                             JERRY
               As good as it gets.

               
               (Outside Liquor Store)

               
                             GEORGE
               You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It 
               was worth a hell of a lot more than 
               that cheap Chardonnay.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I 
               can't stop shaking.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm cold too. At least you've got a 
               coat. Let's get in the car.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein.

               
                             MAN4
               Don't walk around without a coat in 
               this weather; you'll catch your death 
               of cold. So long.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Can I get you anything else?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no thanks.

               
                             CLERK
               How about a nice box of "scram".

               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Somebody double parked, we couldn't 
               help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, 
               we're not really sure. He had a British 
               accent though. What, what happened to 
               you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just 
               like the one I'm going to put up your 
               ....
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what happened to your coat? And 
               what's the smell, what are you drunk?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I had to give it to the liquor store 
               guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did 
               you get?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Cinnamon Bobka.

               
                             GEORGE
               Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George!

               
               (In the car)

               
               (silence)

               
               (Apartment #7)

               
                             ELAINE
               Here, here's your cake.

               
                             GEORGE
               And your wine.

               
                             ELAINE
               See ya'.

               
                             JERRY
               See ya'.

               
               
               (Comedy club)


                             JERRY

               I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is 
               actually lost through the top of the top of the head. 
               Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat. 
               But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap. 
               The hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat 
               says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than 
               anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on 
               trial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, 
               this is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it. 

               [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The defense rests."
               
               
                             THE END



The Dinner Party



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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