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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB



                             Written by

                      Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               What's this little scam the airlines 
               have goin' now with these special clubs? 
               Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit 
               in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee 
               and soda, and read magazines. Excuse 
               me, but isn't this the flight? I already 
               got four hours of this comin' to me... 
               What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I 
               got all my luggage club'? Can I get 
               into that club? Where is that club? 
               I would like to join that club. Airlines 
               love to divide us into classes. You 
               know like when you're sitting in coach, 
               the stewardess always closes that stupid 
               curtain. Always gives you that look, 
               like, maybe if you would work a little 
               harder...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What time does your flight get in? Six? 
               All right, that gives us six hours. 
               Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's 
               club. I'll be the one without the big 
               red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs 
               up)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Is that the supermodel?

               
                             JERRY
               Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, 
               but I got six hours.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you had a show in Ithaca.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I do, but it's three o'clock and then 
               I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget 
               at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going 
               to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him 
               that I am quitting.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So that's it? You know I never even 
               met the guy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I've had enough. I am marchin' in.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're marchin' in.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm marchin'. (Enter George)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Elaine's quitting.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm marchin' in.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've done the march in. Best feeling 
               in the world.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How 'bout the march out?

               
                             GEORGE
               Not as good. That's when you realize 
               all the money you're losing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               This is it. Wish me luck.

               
                             JERRY
               Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I wanna put a picture of me and 
               my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               They're reorganizing the staff, and 
               I'm on thin ice with this guy as it 
               is.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Isn't putting this guy's picture on 
               your desk a little transparent?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It better be.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
 
               
               
                             PITT
               One second Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt...

               
                             PITT
               Elaine, you know what I just did? I 
               just amended my will to include you 
               as a beneficiary.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             PITT
               Well, I think of you as part of my family. 
               You've come to be like a daughter to 
               me and I want to make sure you're taken 
               care of after I'm gone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Flattered) Mr. Pitt...

               
                             PITT
               (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming 
               on. Could you get me a cold pill from 
               the medicine cabinet?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You 
               have to check with the pharmacy before 
               you combine anything with your heart 
               medicine,
 
               
                             PITT
               Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               We don't want anything to happen to 
               you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a 
               long, long time.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Holding camera) Look at this, I only 
               have one picture left... How 'bout a 
               shot of me and Mr. Morgan?
 
               
                             MORGAN
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would 
               you take this for us, dear? Thank you 
               very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) 
               Anyone ever tell you you look a lot 
               like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must 
               get that all the time.
 
               
                             MORGAN
               I suppose we all look alike to you, 
               right Costanza?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, not a racial thing, there really 
               is a resemblance...
 
               
               ...

               
               
               
               
               
               .....................????recessed on the floor.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God.

               
                             WOMAN
               Who are you?

               
                             PITT
               This is the girl I want to put in my 
               will. Elaine...
 
               
                             MAN
               Please, rest Mr. Pitt.

               
                             WOMAN
               You're the assistant? Why weren't you 
               taking care of him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, he gave me the morning off, I 
               was doing a little... shopping. How 
               did this happen?
 
               
                             MAN
               Took a very dangerous combination: prescription 
               heart medicine and these other pills.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with 
               the pharmacist.
 
               
                             PITT
               I spoke to someone who worked there.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. 
               (She exits)
 
               
                             WOMAN
               How well do you know her?

               
               
                             KATIE
               Jerry, listen, just so you know, before 
               we take off they're gonna tell us what 
               to do in the vent of a crash-
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I know. I've flown before.

               
                             KATIE
               Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak 
               out... The chance of a crash is very 
               slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KATIE
               (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry 
               gets up to go) to go a little you'd 
               better go now because you won't get 
               another chance until way after take 
               off.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how you doin'?

               
                             EARL
               Pretty good.

               
                             KRAMER
               Name's Kramer.

               
                             EARL
               Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed 
               to Houston, where you headed?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this 
               place amazing? Planes flying in from 
               all corners of the world, and they know 
               the minute they're arriving.
 
               
                             EARL
               Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's 
               why my flight the Houston's been delayed. 
               They're all morons. Matter of fact, 
               I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh 
               takes off before my flight to Houston.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Bet? Um, not betting.

               
                             EARL
               Friendly wager.

               
                             KRAMER
               I haven't made a bet in three years, 
               I-
 
               
                             EARL
               Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass 
               the time.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, how much?

               
                             EARL
               How 'bout 200?

               
                             KRAMER
               You're on, cowboy!

               
               
                             GEORGE
               How ya doin'?

               
                             MAN
               Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nice day today.

               
                             MAN
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm George. George Costanza, you live 
               around here?
 
               
               
               
                             INTERCOM
               Now arriving at gate 12...

               
                             EARL
               This could be Mexico City.

               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon Seattle, let's go.

               
                             EARL
               Come on, Mexico City!

               
                             KRAMER
               Seattle, yeah!

               
                             INTERCOM
               ...flight 42 from Mexico City.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, c'mon, let's go again.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?

               
                             PITT
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               You need something to sit up. Why don't 
               I get you a pillow?
 
               
                             PITT
               Okay.

               
               
               
                             KATIE
               It's a pretty full house, the lighting 
               guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday 
               next week.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't care.

               
                             KATIE
               By the way, Jerry, I don't want you 
               to freak out, but the pilot is going 
               to be in the audience.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             KATIE
               Remember the plane we took here? The 
               pilot is gonna be sitting out there 
               watching the show.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't care, why are you telling me 
               this?
 
               
                             KATIE
               I just didn't want you to freak out 
               when you saw him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why would I freak out? (To himself) 
               Pilot...
 
               
                             OFF STAGE
               Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for 
               Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. 
               Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, 
               I'll tell you, there's an awful lot 
               of those orange cones you have on the 
               throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... 
               up here... um... I..
 
               
               
               
                             KATIE
               It didn't go very well, did it?

               
                             JERRY
               No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing 
               the pilot in the audience really freaked 
               me out.
 
               
                             KATIE
               I knew it.

               
                             JERRY
               If you hadn't mentioned anything, I 
               would have been fine. I became obsessed 
               with him.
 
               
                             KATIE
               Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. 
               when he asked for a ticket, I should 
               have said no. I'm gonna go chew him 
               out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it doesn't matter now.

               
                             KATIE
               Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on 
               the bottom!
 
               
               
                             EARL
               Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're 
               in the hole $3200... Will that be cash 
               or check?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, look, one more bet. Double 
               or nothing. C'mon.
 
               
                             EARL
               All right, but I wanna see some cash 
               on the table.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, let me call my bank. You 
               stay here. (He calls)
 
               
                             N
               Hello?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's, uh, me.

               
                             N
               Hey, what's up?

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, listen. I need some cash.
 
               
               
                             N
               What for?

               
                             KRAMER
               I just need it, that's all.

               
                             N
               Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling 
               again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak 
               man. Where are you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm at the airport.

               
                             N
               The airport?

               
                             KRAMER
               We've been betting on arrivals and departures. 
               (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 
               , so you've gotta get me some cash.
 
               
               
                             N
               I don't have that kinda dough.

               
                             KRAMER
               Sure you do.

               
                             N
               Oh no, no, not the bag!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh help me man, I'm desperate!

               
                             N
               All right, all right.

               
               
                             INTERCOM
               Sorry for the delay, folks, there is 
               a slight complication that we're taking 
               care of, and then we'll be on our way 
               to La Guardia...
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To Katie) What is the complication?
 
               
               
                             FLISHT ATTENDANT
               Mr. Seinfeld?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes?

               
                             FA
               I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that 
               you leave this plane.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             FA
               Apparently, he has some sort of problem 
               with you.
 
               
                             KATIE
               I'm not surprised. I really let him 
               have it, Jerry. He has no business being 
               in your audience if you didn't want 
               him there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't care.

               
                             FA
               Well, now the pilot doesn't want you 
               on his plane.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He can't just throw me off the plane!
 
               
               
                             FA
               Yes he can, if he has cause to believe 
               a passenger will be a disturbance.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But I'm not a disturbance!

               
                             FA
               Well, apparently you are disturbing 
               him, sir.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But someone is waiting for me!

               
                             KATIE
               Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
 
               
               
               
                             KATIE
               There's a flight leaving at eight, and 
               another one at eight-thirty, which one 
               do you want?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Which one do you think I want?

               
                             KATIE
               The eight will get you in a little earlier.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Then we'll make it the eight.

               
                             KATIE
               I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard 
               room or mini suite?)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hotel?

               
                             KATIE
               Yeah, it's eight in the morning.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. 
               Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at 
               the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
 
               
                             KATIE
               Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's 
               your preference?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't have a preference, okay! Just 
               make a decision yourself! Stop bothering 
               me with every minor little detail, please?
 
               
               
                             KATIE
               Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yo.

               
                             JERRY
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go 
               down to the Diplomat's Club...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the 
               exterminator who fumigated your apartment 
               when you had fleas?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Carl, I think.

               
                             GEORGE
               Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he was nice.

               
                             GEORGE
               What company was it?

               
                             JERRY
               Defent.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, you know we spoke for a little 
               bit...
 
               
                             JERRY
               You need an exterminator?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, not really.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Gotta go.

               
                             JERRY
               George, George!

               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine 
               there?
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld 
               on the phone for you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. 
               I need you to go down to the Diplomat's 
               Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going 
               to be late.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That's at the airport, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Right, I don't want Bridget to think 
               I stood her up. I'll never get another 
               date with her. She'll freak out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, all right. You sound a little 
               freaked out yourself.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I am a little freaked out!

               
                             ELAINE
               Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. 
               Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right, but you have to go now.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I said I'll take care of it!

               
               
                             N
               Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             N
               Okay, here it is.

               
                             KRAMER
               Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
 
               
               
                             EARL
               So it's a mailbag, so what?

               
                             N
               So what? Do you know whose mailbag that 
               is?
 
               
                             EARL
               (Reading) David Berkowitz.

               
                             N
               Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer 
               the post office ever produced.
 
               
                             EARL
               Where did you get this?

               
                             N
               I took over his route. And boy, were 
               there a lot of dogs on that route.
 
               
               
                             EARL
               Any of 'em talk to you?

               
                             N
               Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!
 
               
               
                             EARL
               (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, don't I know it.

               
                             EARL
               Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. 
               Let's check out the board. Now, who 
               do you like?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?
 
               
               
                             EARL
               All right, I'll give you a sportin' 
               chance. I'll take Ithaca.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Double or nothin'.

               
                             EARL
               Double or nothin'.

               
                             N
               I hope you know what you're doing... 
               (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack 
               of confidence)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Wakes up) Where are we?

               
                             KATIE
               I'm not sure.

               
                             JERRY
               Is this even a road?

               
                             KATIE
               Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What? Why didn't you wake me up?

               
                             KATIE
               You told me not to bother you with minor 
               details.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, road is a major detail!

               
                             KATIE
               Okay, now I know. Should I keep going 
               or turn around, do you have a preference?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Pointing ahead) Look out!

               
               
                             GEORGE
               May I help you?

               
                             CARL
               I'm the exterminator.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yes of course, come in.

               
                             CARL
               Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment 
               or wear my uniform?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, well, if the other people in the 
               office saw that I called an exterminator, 
               they would just panic. Besides, this 
               is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?
 
               
               
                             CARL
               Do I know you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's 
               apartment. When you fumigated for fleas 
               over there.
 
               
                             CARL
               Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, 
               right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You 
               know, I never really thought about it. 
               I don't see people in terms of color. 
               You know, there's someone I'd like you 
               to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. 
               Morgan in?
 
               
                             PHONE
               Mr. Morgan left for dinner.

               
                             GEORGE
               He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?
 
               
               
               
                             TV
               Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early 
               this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove 
               through a residential backyard and wound 
               up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New 
               York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, 
               seemed a little freaked out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's it! No more questions! I don't 
               care!
 
               
                             PITT
               That's him! That's the man who gave 
               me the pills in the drug store! He's 
               no pharmacist.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. 
               He called here earlier for Elaine. (She 
               looks at Mr. Pitt)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything 
               you want, it's all on me. Just do me 
               a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. 
               Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, 
               it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want 
               you to meet a dear old friend of mine, 
               Carl.
 
               
                             CARL
               I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's... what we used to call him in 
               high school, the exterminator. He's 
               a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild 
               times.
 
               
               
                             EARL
               Well, that Newman was your good luck 
               charm.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, he was.

               
                             EARL
               I should have quitted at double or nothin'. 
               Travelers checks acceptable?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I accept.

               
                             N
               (Talking to another man) ...yeah he 
               worked in the cubicle right next to 
               me. We once double dated.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business 
               with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine 
               enters)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend 
               here. Did you here about his plane in 
               Ithaca?
 
               
                             EARL
               What about the plane in Ithaca?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the 
               pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane 
               a whole hour. Can you believe that?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Boy...

               
                             EARL
               Your friend caused the delay?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh huh.

               
                             EARL
               You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl 
               Hafler.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon!

               
                             EARL
               See you around, Cosmo.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to 
               poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are 
               you, delirious? He's never even met 
               you!
 
               
                             PITT
               You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.

               
                             ELAINE
               Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories 
               with Mr. Pitt)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Bridget!

               
                             BRIDGET
               Jerry, what happened?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of 
               town. I missed our whole time together.
 
               
               
                             BRIDGET
               Well, my plane doesn't leave for another 
               half hour.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really? (They start to make out, Jerry 
               sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, 
               that's him! That's the pilot!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I love this place. You know, Carl and 
               I come here all the time.
 
               
                             MORGAN
               Is that right?

               
                             CARL
               Yeah, I come here all the time. You 
               wouldn't believe the rat problems in 
               the kitchen.
 
               
                             MORGAN
               (George spits out food) I thought so. 
               You really are an exterminator. This 
               time, George, you've sunk to a new low. 
               (He leaves)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Check, please.

               
                             WAITER
               Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here 
               on the house.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!
 
               
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Diplomat's Club



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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